Author Topic: My Story Aliens stole my W!!!!  (Read 1652 times)

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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My Story Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #10 on: May 27, 2019, 07:58:59 AM »
Thank you everybody  :)

Just like everyone at the beginning: looking, reading, crying, praying, hoping, planning.... all that stuff.

I guess the biggest and hardest question is this (and I know there's no right answer).... Do they come out of it? I mean do they actually come out of it?
I've been reading everything I can get my hands on... and on the surface, it is straightforward: The spouse is broken, they have to get thru these stages, wake up, and have their life/memory return and maybe be stronger than before. That's great. Sounds like a long, painful, heartbreaking voyage but there's an ending.Sacrifice pays off in the end.

Then you see all the stories about all the years a LBS waits (or gets on with their life with the door still creaked open a crack) but no sign of improvement with the MLC'er..... and all the D's which happen to standers anyway.
Is this normal? I can't believe (or don't want to believe) that the vast majority of MLC R's are just thrown into the D meat-grinder and that's that. Or that limbo goes on forever.
People do get thru this right? This happens all the time.... right?

I had a brutally honest conversation with myself last night which had me bawling........ The last couple weeks I've cried more than the rest of my life combined......
I was telling myself, ok..... get ready for this period of time..... here's what you need to do and make yourself better..... here's some activities and hobbies to keep you busy.... here's some skills which would be great to learn....... here's some difficulties that are probably coming.....we need to detach ASAP............... Then this horrible, horrible thought came into my mind, and it was this: "Your W.... your real W..... would not want you to suffer like this.... she loves you too much". Ohh that totally slayed me..... because it's true. And if it were me, I'd say the same thing to her.... "Don't you worry about me sweetie..... I don't want you to be in pain". I don't know if this message/thought will help me detach or not..... but I know for a fact it will linger in me and not be forgotten.


-SS   
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline megogirl

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #11 on: May 27, 2019, 08:15:19 AM »
Sounds like a long, painful, heartbreaking voyage but there's an ending.Sacrifice pays off in the end.

Yes.  They are in the (slow!) process of piecing themselves back together again.  RCR likens this process to the story of Humpty Dumpty.  And the more wounding that occurred in childhood, the longer it takes to do so.

Along the way, you will see blips of the W you always knew.  These pockets of clarity are ever-fleeting.  But they're real, so you will think the crisis is over - when it's really far from it. 

They're just proof that the "real" person is lost.....but still in there.
« Last Edit: May 27, 2019, 08:19:19 AM by megogirl »

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #12 on: May 27, 2019, 08:53:33 AM »
Sorry you're here, Standing. But I'm glad you found us. Yes, the advice out there celebrating divorce and selfishness is horrible. Everything you're feeling is completely normal. We've been there. You're not the crazy one.

Aliens stole my wife too. I have a stay-home wallower. You're doing well to be so far along so fast. My BD was discovering an EA and I spent months blaming myself for it. You're WAY ahead of where I was at the same point.

I'm now three years in and I'm still standing. I've survived some serious weirdness and mindfrackery. There's no way I would wish this on anyone, but I can honestly say I've become a stronger, more empathetic, and better person. You're definitely in the school of hard knocks. But, as Ursa Major says, you don't go through hell and back without acquiring some transferable skills. Try to learn your lessons well. But it sucks, it truly does.

You've already gotten some great advice from some wise veterans here, so I won't add much. But here are a few survival skills.

* One thing I will caution you about is worrying too much about what may or may not happen. I have a hard time not doing this and I get myself tied up in knots about what she's going to do tomorrow, next week or next year. Do what you can to protect yourself legally, financially and emotionally, but try not to let your anxiety get the best of you. There's enough craziness to deal with one day at a time.

* Treat yourself like you would treat a buddy who came to you with the same story. In other words, take it easy on yourself.

* Post often. This is the perfect place to rant, vent, ask questions or rave like a lunatic. You're among friends here.

Take care.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2:  FA
W is still at home but says she's leaving.

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #13 on: May 27, 2019, 09:04:22 AM »
I guess the biggest and hardest question is this (and I know there's no right answer).... Do they come out of it? I mean do they actually come out of it?
I've been reading everything I can get my hands on... and on the surface, it is straightforward: The spouse is broken, they have to get thru these stages, wake up, and have their life/memory return and maybe be stronger than before. That's great. Sounds like a long, painful, heartbreaking voyage but there's an ending.Sacrifice pays off in the end.

Then you see all the stories about all the years a LBS waits (or gets on with their life with the door still creaked open a crack) but no sign of improvement with the MLC'er..... and all the D's which happen to standers anyway.
Is this normal? I can't believe (or don't want to believe) that the vast majority of MLC R's are just thrown into the D meat-grinder and that's that. Or that limbo goes on forever.
People do get thru this right? This happens all the time.... right?
Some might, others won't and that's the problem.. You don't know what category your wife will fall into. Nobody knows..
I completely understand what you are going through, I was the same at the beginning... It was about "passing time" until he could get through it.. Specially when he was still at home, I thought it was a matter of time (didn't realize we were talking YEARS)  He also thought it was temporary, said that to me himself. He thought he would wake up one day and he'd be back to normal.. But I think he could feel himself loosing control.. At some point he said his biggest fear was to make my life miserable for a long time and things will never go back to normal. And then he ran... I'm not saying the same will happen to you but it is a possibility and you need to prepare yourself for that as best as you can.

Then this horrible, horrible thought came into my mind, and it was this: "Your W.... your real W..... would not want you to suffer like this.... she loves you too much". Ohh that totally slayed me..... because it's true. And if it were me, I'd say the same thing to her.... "Don't you worry about me sweetie..... I don't want you to be in pain". I don't know if this message/thought will help me detach or not..... but I know for a fact it will linger in me and not be forgotten.
A year or 2 before BD, H and I were talking about a girl I know from the gym. Her long term partner had cancer and they were splitting up. Very tough situation, she had a lot of guilt but she said the reasons for separating had nothing to do with his sickness. H told me that if he was in the same situation as this girl's partner,  he wouldn't like to see me sacrificing my life for him. He would want me to be free and happy...
This conversation came to my mind when H ran away... In the weeks before he announced he was done, I was struggling.. The constant acts of rejections were hurting me very deeply and it showed. I do wonder if H couldn't face my pain anymore so he actually had no option but to run.. I will probably never get an answer to that question.. But I also know that the real him would hate to hurt me in the way he did. But he's not the real him right now.. and neither is your wife.

Just be as gentle as you can with yourself.. Some of our advice right now will be hard to accept, a very bitter pill to swallow.. Some of if you might not be able to apply for a while.. We all learn in our own time.. This is probably going to be one of the hardest things you face in your life, at least it is for me.. But we all get through it and make it to the other side... with or without our spouses.
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #14 on: May 27, 2019, 09:38:57 AM »
Quote
Do they come out of it? I mean do they actually come out of it?

There are some that do. If you see a purple colored icon beside a person's name, they are in the process of reconciling or have reconciled.

There are also several return stories posted at:

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=237.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1756.0

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5763.0

You might like to read BBhelp's thread whose wife was in a crisis. He explains things very well. He can be followed at:

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8080.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8194.0
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9713.0
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10463.0

There is absolutely no guarantees and MLC often takes years, my husband has been in a crisis for 10 years and it continues to this day. I am a stander and have always been...it matters deeply to me to remain faithful to our marriage.



Quote
Then you see all the stories about all the years a LBS waits (or gets on with their life with the door still creaked open a crack) but no sign of improvement with the MLC'er..... and all the D's which happen to standers anyway.
Is this normal? I can't believe (or don't want to believe) that the vast majority of MLC R's are just thrown into the D meat-grinder and that's that. Or that limbo goes on forever.

This is why it is so very important, and you will hear this over and over...leave her to her crisis. This is not about you and not about your marriage. Protect your finances and build a life that is yours...as we say "live as though they are never coming back".

Quote
People do get thru this right? This happens all the time.... right?

Unfortunately no, or if they do get through it, it takes so many years that many LBSers are not willing to have them back, have moved on into another relationship or the MLC cannot find it in themselves to face the damage they have caused.

Live as though they are never coming back. You can do that and continue to stand. Several of us do.

Quote
Standing until the A, can't know how I'll react until then.

Standers, like MLCers come in various sizes and shapes. Some stand because of their values and beliefs systems and to me that is the true definition of a stander...in my opinion, there is something really wrong with my husband. Many factors affect why I am standing.

Some have specific boundaries that if their spouse crosses them, that will be the end. The amount of pain and hurt they cause us, makes some people decide that they do not wish to have this person ion their life, or it will take too long for them to come through their crisis.

This is something that will become clearer to you as time passes. I suggest, especially because it is so early, that you need not make any firm commitment either way.

You have come to a really good place of support and will learn a great deal from others...please read RCR's articles! They are gold regarding understanding what is happening to your wife.

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

"Women in MidLife Crisis" By Jim Conway is also an excellent resource.
« Last Edit: May 27, 2019, 09:39:59 AM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #15 on: May 27, 2019, 04:32:00 PM »
Thank you all for you insight and all the links... I'm reading and absorbing everything.

As a practical matter, day to day living...... what is the correct thing for interacting with your "new" spouse?

She is still here in the house but I know her desire is to run.
She's has said it.... "I want to run, I'm trying not to run. Run, run, run".
She moved into the guest room for one night, and then moved back (both unannounced, and both not talked about afterward).
I'm giving her total space: I'm withdrawing to a room so she can't see me (while I read online and books on this subject), but leaving the door ajar so she can approach if she wants to (she's only done so once).
Likewise, if she goes into a room and closes the door, I don't enter (before I learned, I offered that deal when she 1st said she wanted to run). I'm ok with that.

But, I do the cooking (always have), and well... I miss her. I want to know how her day was. Little things like that. I don't want to pressure her. I don't want to give her stress.
I keep the conversations light and quick, and then I get out of there. Is this the right thing to do? Am I pursuing by doing this?
She's avoiding me like the plague. I get that. It's so weird to not know where she's going or what she's doing.... and that's ok. I am adjusting to that new reality, and I haven't asked her about her whereabouts at all.
I do ask how her day is, and whatever she volunteers I go with that. Can that be interpreted as pushing? I don't ask her to do anything, I don't ask her to make any decisions now (beyond is there anything you'd like from the store).
Being nice and caring is still a good thing right? Just be assertive (I haven't had to do any boundaries yet), direct, and brief?

This is one of the hardest parts for me right now. I don't want her to run, and I know she wants to. Trying to make sure I don't add anything to her plate so she can process herself.

So much more learning.... and praying to do.

-SS

W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline megogirl

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #16 on: May 27, 2019, 04:45:01 PM »
She's has said it.... "I want to run, I'm trying not to run. Run, run, run".

She actually SAID that?  WOW

Well, you definitely don't need to hem and haw about whether or not she's "really in" MLC......
« Last Edit: May 27, 2019, 05:02:49 PM by megogirl »

Offline Silver

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #17 on: May 28, 2019, 01:56:24 AM »

But, I do the cooking (always have), and well... I miss her. I want to know how her day was. Little things like that. I don't want to pressure her. I don't want to give her stress.
I keep the conversations light and quick, and then I get out of there. Is this the right thing to do? Am I pursuing by doing this?
She's avoiding me like the plague. I get that. It's so weird to not know where she's going or what she's doing.... and that's ok. I am adjusting to that new reality, and I haven't asked her about her whereabouts at all.
I do ask how her day is, and whatever she volunteers I go with that. Can that be interpreted as pushing? I don't ask her to do anything, I don't ask her to make any decisions now (beyond is there anything you'd like from the store).
Being nice and caring is still a good thing right? Just be assertive (I haven't had to do any boundaries yet), direct, and brief?

This is one of the hardest parts for me right now. I don't want her to run, and I know she wants to. Trying to make sure I don't add anything to her plate so she can process herself.


Anything can be taken as pressure in MLCer's view, I had several WTF -moments with XW as she told me how I was pressuring her in some way even when I really wasn't. I wouldn't even ask her about how her day was, I know it sounds stupid but it's possible she finds 'pressuring' even in it. Just my opinion.

I'd let her do all the initiatives, being scarce and neutral with your words, which doesn't mean you have to be 'cold'. (I got feedback about that too like 'why can't you act normal' bc I was TOO neutral at one point  :o) Just let her understand that you are focusing in everything else than her crisis at the moment (as you should too).

IF she starts talking and wants you to listen, be a good listener and validate, don't get sucked in any relationship talks but hear what she says to you instead. If she blames you about anything (everything) just say something like 'sorry you feel this way' but don't start to defend yourself. If she monsters, just walk away for a while.

It is easy for me to tell you all this (which everything about I read from HS and got as advice) bc I did everything exactly opposite MANY times and not ONCE lead it to anything good.
It's very difficult to stay calm, cool, collected as you should with live-in-MLCer, at least if they monster a lot, but it's the best you can do in the situation buddy.

Read RCR's advice about communication once again too:

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1149.msg134214#msg134214


"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline stayed

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #18 on: May 28, 2019, 09:27:49 AM »
Silvers advice is GOLD.  I would like to add to it though.... DO NOT PRETZEL yourself!  Do not try to twist yourself into becoming the person YOU THINK she wants.  She had no idea what she wants.  In fact, at this moment, I expect you are pretty confused about what you want, as well.  For the most part, we think we just want back what we once had.  Sadly Standing Strong, that is gone.  You will never again have what was before.  Sounds terrible, but actually, that is a really good thing. 

In time you will start to truly examine your old marriage and you will find it wanting.  Not in a bad way, as it wasn't bad, it was very good BUT it could have been better, much better.  If your marriage survives this, it can be better but ONLY if you do the work that it's going to take. 

Focus on yourself,  rediscover yourself, we all become a bit combined with our spouses in marriage and breaking those tendencies is probably what will save yourself and probably your marriage.  Happiness, true happiness begins within ourselves.... that is the key!

Hugs Stayed
Married 41yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
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Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #19 on: May 28, 2019, 08:47:19 PM »
Thank you Silver and Stayed,

I'm doing really really good with the cool and collected in front of her (as least I think I am). She actually asked me why I wasn't mad at the 3rd (and last) R talk a couple weeks ago (I'm even better now).
Pretty sure she was hoping I'd pull the trigger and end it for her (never going to happen).

I had read somewhere that a low energy MCL'er may move out but it could be an extended period of time before they do (like 2 years).
Are there any warning signs (behaviors) to be on the lookout for? Or you just go home one day and they're gone? I've never had anyone leave me, so I don't know what it looks like. I really want her to separate in-house if at all possible.

Oh!!!! Question Question:
How devious are these MCL'ers? I mean, they wait a long time and act normal before the BD (evil if you ask me). Since they can't seem to keep a thought straight for any period of time.... are they able to plan out things they intend to do to you in advance? Or is it all impulse? For example: My MIL is coming in AUG, and will stay with us on and off for a month. After that, W is going back with them to have a second vacation this year with her mom (for 2-3 weeks). I'm guessing I won't have a D or external S thrown in my face before then since the space is needed for MIL. Are they able to plan complex evil things like this months in advance and keep to them? Somehow she's able to keep doing her job flawlessly (which is a complex and high stress job).

Super bummer.... I guess I shouldn't do anything for our anniversary on Monday  :'(     Too much pressure.....
That so breaks my heart. I had this gold plated rose to give her this year, and in her favorite color (pink). Can I even tell her happy anniversary? Or she has to say it first? I should just be happy that she's still in the house.  :-X

-SS
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

 

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