Author Topic: My Story Aliens stole my W!!!!  (Read 2105 times)

Offline in it

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My Story Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #20 on: May 28, 2019, 09:08:56 PM »
If she acknowledges the Anniversary then I think it would be ok.
And as much as I'd rather not tell a newbie this? Whether they are evil is up for interpretation.I believe I dealt and still am dealing with evil. The situation I dealt with may have been a planned and or a manipultion. I have no idea for how long.it may have been thought of in advance. Some of it may have been impulsive

Protect your finances. Protect your heart, use your head.
« Last Edit: May 28, 2019, 09:23:10 PM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #21 on: May 28, 2019, 09:19:09 PM »
I have a low-energy MLCer. I'm a sample size of one, so your mileage may vary.

Mine left home for 1 week after BD #2 in November 2018. She came home looking like hell. She has some physical health issues that make things harder for her, so she may be an exception.

She has recently started talking about finding an apartment of her own. We're three years post BD#1. I'm concerned that she's waiting until after our son's wedding in September to move out. Or she may wait until our daughter graduates from college next Spring. Or she may move out this weekend for all I know.

In any case, mine has done more talking than doing.

I have no idea what to tell you about warning signs. I would just recommend having a plan for if it happens and then not thinking about it. There's too much to think about that actually does happen to worry about what might happen someday. Also, try not to freak out if she does start talking about it. Just listen and validate her feelings. Whatever you do, don't give her an excuse to leave and don't be the one to leave. Unless it just becomes unsafe or unbearable.

Again, I'm a sample size of one. No two MLCers are exactly alike.

You're doing better than you might think. One day at a time. Or one hour at a time if you need to.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2:  FA
W is still at home but says she's leaving.

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #22 on: May 28, 2019, 09:21:15 PM »
Oh, and I would be cautious with the anniversary. Anything romantic can feel like pressure to a guilty conscience. I've made that mistake and got myself hurt. Maybe keep that rose in reserve in case she gets you something. Just a thought. Others may have better ideas.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2:  FA
W is still at home but says she's leaving.

Offline stayed

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #23 on: May 28, 2019, 09:38:41 PM »
I agree with both in it and PJ...my h left when I went home to care for my mother who was dying of cancer.  Of course he didn't tell me, I found out when I tried to call him all one weekend.... he had his cell phone connected to our home phone so I wouldn't know he wasn't at home, after that.  They are very sneaky, very conniving. 

I especially agree about the rose... if by some bazaar chance that she gets you something, then give it to her.... otherwise ignore it. Everything is a&&backwards now.  Have no expectations.  Show no emotion.  Most of all NO RELATIONSHIP TALKS....

You are doing very well, hugs Stayed
Married 41yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

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Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #24 on: May 28, 2019, 11:23:45 PM »
Thanks for the ideas...... so I think what I'll do is this:

If she says Happy Anniversary in the morning, I'll go ahead and make a special dinner that night. No gold plated rose.
If she wants to run away and close the door with her food..... that's ok. I'll feel like a did good without too much pressure (we all have to eat right?), and if she appreciates it... all the better.


There is another thing which would be a HUGE help.... I'm really struggling with it: Saying where you're going.
I've seen where some people say to just go, don't say anything.... And other people which say treat them as a house guest.
Well... to me it's rude to just run off for hours or even a whole day without a peep.... but then again, the rules have changed. Making her wonder (if she does) is a good thing? Or being rude to the house guest?
When I've said "I'm going out" or "I'll be out tomorrow", always brings a question from her of "where are you going?" or "What are you doing?".

It was very strange on Sunday when I told her I'd be out Monday..... she asked what I was doing, and I told her "Going to visit Grandpa at the national cemetery (memorial day)". She asked "are you going by yourself?!?", I said no... with my mom, dad and sister. She got an almost hurt look.... sorta like "why am I not invited?". Who knows what was going on in there. She said ok.
The next day before I was picked up, she said in a semi-nasty tone "Enjoy the visit with YOUR family". Poor thing. I know she feels isolated..... actually I know she feels nothing, she's told me several times..... she feels NOTHING. How horrible that must be. I'm so glad she didn't go. We got to the cemetery.... the wind was blowing, the hundreds of little flags were flapping. Imagine seeing such a wonderful, beautiful, moving sight..... and feeling.... NOTHING. Terrible. I know that's depression..... she sure masks it well. She'll do anything for a distraction..... piano, painting, and her favorite..... going in to work extra hours (yes I know that's where she's going..... we have phone trackers from before BD, but I'm not looking. Another 180).

So, do you tell them what you're doing? Or just ghost them? This is super difficult for me. Manners are so important.

-SS
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Silver

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #25 on: May 29, 2019, 01:18:01 AM »
We had anniversary soon after BD. I gave her Roses with the truth dart 'one for each year, even this last one'. She wasn't delighted, not for a dart but I guess roses either meant nothing to her or annoyed her. To be honest, she didn't deserve those roses but I'm glad now I did it b/c it was our last anniversary (which I didn't know at that time of course).

Don't use too much headspace about should you tell where you're going or not. If she's interested in it, you may very well tell her if she asks. That doesn't change anything in this IMO. People give different advice as we all have experienced thing in individual situations, you will learn with time which is best way to go in your's. Do what seems to work and 180 what is not!

Let her decide, if she wants to know where you are going, tell her, she is still your W. If she doesn't ask, feel free to just say you are going out and maybe when you are planning to come back home. Don't offer her any information she is not interested in.
Just my 2 cents.

DO NOT PRETZEL yourself!  Do not try to twist yourself into becoming the person YOU THINK she wants.  She had no idea what she wants.  In fact, at this moment, I expect you are pretty confused about what you want, as well.  For the most part, we think we just want back what we once had.  Sadly Standing Strong, that is gone.  You will never again have what was before.  Sounds terrible, but actually, that is a really good thing. 

This is such important. I could swear what stayed wrote is from my life, I used so much energy thinking about how she would like me to be as a husband to prevent her leaving, to make her see all the good in me. Didn't work and made me walk on eggshells and using HUGE amount of my headspace in that. Less you think about that, the better, think about what kind of person you want to be instead,  and work for becoming that person! I am truly happy now I finally understood that. I lost my marriage but learned a lot about me and got my self confidence and trust on life back. Mirror work is the only way to take advantage from horrible situation you didn't choose to be in.








"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Online Treasur

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #26 on: May 29, 2019, 01:36:23 AM »
The underpinning 'flavour' I'm hearing in your posts, my friend, is a kind of hyper-vigilance.
Which is about anxiety bc the world doesn't make sense and is a completely normal reaction to an abnormal situation.

My best advice? Keep it simple.
If she acknowledges your anniversary, respond with a card, small gift or dinner. But expect zip.
If you are going out, be polite and share basic factual info e.g. 'Going out...should be back by x time'. If she asks, expand on the basic factual info e.g. 'Meeting Fred for a beer' but no more than that.
If you are doing something and would be ok if she wanted to join in, extend the offer once, let her choose, have no expectations and press on. Maybe the family graveyard visit was one of those things, maybe not.
And the 'cunning planfullness' question? That is probably bc your brain is trying to game this out to protect you. Do some do evil planning? Yup...but rarely to any depth e.g. they plan to run and start looking at apartments secretly but don't think about how they will pay for it after the first few months or if there is room for kids to visit or the length of the work commute. Many don't plan much or not far out, just a drive to run and then a chain of events. Imho, not worth worrying about bc you can't control it. The bit you can control is locking down joint finances where you can, not agreeing to new big ticket stuff when the future is uncertain and trust that whatever happens, you will be ok and deal with it then.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline stayed

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #27 on: May 29, 2019, 08:01:44 AM »
Only one thing I would add to the excellent advice you are being given.  Before you do anything for your MLCer, always ask yourself WHY?  Why am I doing this?  If you have ANY ulterior motive, even something as simple as one of her "lovely, caring" smiles that once was reserved just for you.... then DO NOT DO IT.  NO EXPECTATIONS!

Anything you do in the future must be done only because it makes YOU feel good about yourself.  Don't hate us, we will tell you this a thousand times over, in time you will repeat this mantra to others.... FOCUS ON YOU!  You cannot fix her!  Only she can do that.  YOU can fix yourself.  You can prevent yourself a great deal of pain and anguish simply by focusing on yourself.  This is not easily learned as a part of you has become Mrs. Standing Strong, normal, you have been partners a long time, but now you have to become your OWN best, best, best friend. 

You're asking all the right questions Standing.... stay strong.... hugs Stayed


« Last Edit: May 29, 2019, 08:05:09 AM by stayed »
Married 41yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions for Newbies
The Mentor Program
LBS SCRIPT

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #28 on: May 29, 2019, 08:46:06 AM »
Quote
The underpinning 'flavour' I'm hearing in your posts, my friend, is a kind of hyper-vigilance.
Which is about anxiety bc the world doesn't make sense and is a completely normal reaction to an abnormal situation.
Totally agree with Treasur here. Hyper-vigilance can get you completely tied up into knots. It can also be a symptom of PTSD, which many LBS face.

I've struggled with this a lot. I still struggle sometimes. It's a completely normal reaction to a dangerous situation. It's how your body protects itself. Think about it - if you were in a tiger-infested jungle or a war zone, being hyper-vigilant could save your life. But in dealing with an MLCer, it can just make you crazy.

Try to keep yourself calm and rested. Long walks, exercise. Whatever you need to keep your mind as clear as possible.

Hang in there and be good to yourself. 
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2:  FA
W is still at home but says she's leaving.

Offline in it

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #29 on: May 29, 2019, 08:58:16 AM »
Out of courtesy I'd give a real short explanation of where I might be going.

I would not allow her to dictate or try to control who you spend you time with and where.

"I'm going to the store. I'll be back in a while" Type thing.

No adding " Is there anything you need?"

You are living (or trying to) in a high stress situation. I'm not one of the people here that would tell you to "hang in there" living with someone like this..
« Last Edit: May 29, 2019, 09:07:20 AM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

 

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