Author Topic: My Story The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot  (Read 1448 times)

Offline FearNotTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« on: May 28, 2019, 10:04:32 AM »
Previous Thread https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10451.0

Well here I am again and it's been a hectic couple weeks!!

THE HOUSE SOLD!! And we should come out ok on it. We got the offer last Sunday. They wanted me out by June 14th. I ended up having to speak to H on the phone regarding this and he was kind enough to have me on speakerphone with his moonbeam. >:( He was a complete ass when I told him that the time frame they wanted me out in wouldn't work. I needed a little more time. His response was, "well haven't you been looking?" I responded "No, actually I haven't really, considering it's been on the market for 8 months. Didn't think I would waste my time looking at places that wouldn't be there." I ended up speaking to him a couple days later and his tune was totally different. Sad how out of touch they are. He had no idea what we owed, what the penalties would me... freaked out about a price that was above what I told him our bottom line was. Just generally has his head really far up his arse or that V@g!n@l hypnosis is really messing with his mind.

Insert meltdown here....and then I had to pull my $h!tee together and figure out my life. This is hard.

Long story short, in the deal I have to be out by June 23rd. The conditions on the house are supposed to be lifted today. I am moving back into the city from my lovely little town, since I can't afford the rent there and the availability is very limited. It was a bit of a challenge to find something available in the short time frame, but I am moving to the top floor of a little house, in a little bit sketchy neighborhood. Not too sketchy hopefully  ::). There is a renter in the basement who seems like a decent guy. The landlord seems very personable and easy to deal with so I think I'm on the right track.

I have been liquidating the extra crap in the house. One of the guys I work with got a really sweet deal on H's precious home theater system. I have to say it brought me a little joy, thinking that had he known what I sold it for.... he would lose his mind!! Lol. But I needed it gone ASAP and there was cash to be had ;D. I've also been enjoying selling of some of the other crap of his!!

The affidavit for spousal has been put on hold for now, due to my financials changing. What a PITA. And get this... the courthouse lost our divorce affidavit 6 times. The lawyers assistant called me to let me know about the hold up. She said she would file it, then file number wouldn't exist, or it was never received, or they gave her a file number and when she went to use it, it didn't exist. She had never had that happen. I know everything happens for a reason, so I am curious as to why that took place  ::). Maybe so he could get served closer to his birthday on June 1  ;D.

My step dad is still in isolation, but he is doing ok. He has some pretty rough days. They finally said that he will never walk again.... hmmm pretty sure I could've told you that over a month ago. My mom is doing alright but is a little ruffled that I am moving back into the city as she doesn't drive there. I live close to the outskirts, so it is possible for her to do!!

Right now, just trying to pack, which is putting a bit of a damper on golf. The positive in that is that I will be able to afford to golf more, once the move is complete.

Well, I think that about sums it up. I don't have anything really prolific and insightful to start this thread with. Just a little morel livin la vida limbo for a few more weeks :D and trying to keep it together. I kinda thought it wouldn't be this hard to walk away after all this time.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN

M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Thunder

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #1 on: May 28, 2019, 11:20:03 AM »
Sweetie, it's always hard to walk away from your home, even if a person choose to do it. 
There's memories, but you will make new ones.

I sure wish they would have given you more time to get out.  There's always so much to do.

I had a bit of an evil grin on my face when you said you were selling his stuff..oh well he wanted this, right?
I hope you'll be happy in your new place, it takes awhile.  Once I got used to me new place and fixed it up the way I wanted it, I loved it.

Sorry to hear about your stepdad, but you already pretty much knew already he wouldn't be walking again.
Still sad to hear.

Well keep us updated on your progress, in between things, just so we know how everything is going.

Big Hug, Fear!
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Mitzpah

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #2 on: May 28, 2019, 04:21:25 PM »
FearNot,

I am reading along, it is good to see you firmly moving on.

I am glad you have sold your place and found a place to move to - hoping that you will find comfort in a place/space of your own.

Hoping your mom is able to deal with all the changes in her life too. My mother is elderly and widowed, she is finding life tough. She still insists on driving everywhere though. Will your SD be moving into assisted living now?

Hugs to you too!
M 58
H 58
S 27
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Online megogirl

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #3 on: May 28, 2019, 05:27:51 PM »
I kinda thought it wouldn't be this hard to walk away after all this time.

It's not only hard, but it's almost innocuous.

Because you know that your SO is in the throes of MLC, so can't process the magnitude of what they're doing.  So, who really *cares* what a random state has to say?!

I had to live this, but I fully understand it now.  The choice is simply where we will be "remarried" (Courthouse?  Vegas?  Who knows!)
« Last Edit: May 28, 2019, 05:30:15 PM by megogirl »

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #4 on: May 28, 2019, 08:20:21 PM »
FN - wow, big changes happening in living arrangements for you!  Hang in there, it sounds like you are on top of everything and dealing with stuff. 

Sorry that there is going to be some down time for golfing, but good to hear that once the dust settles you will be able to do it more often. 

Lost divorce affidavit? Six times?   Sheesh, that seems pretty bizarre, even for bureaucracy! 

Don't get too discouraged with all that packing and the emotions that go with moving.   We're here to support you.   
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline FearNotTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #5 on: May 29, 2019, 10:37:54 AM »
Thank you all for your support and hugs!!

Mitzpah- I'm sorry to hear of the loss in your family and the struggles your mom is facing.These changes are difficult for our parents  :'(  He is still in the hospital and will be going to palliative care unit when space comes available, due to his other illness.

Update:

The glitch.... conditions were extended on the house until 9 pm tonight. They want permits for the deck. That damn deck that has been the bane of my existence since we built that house. This was his dream deck, had to have it and it had to be ridiculous and dug a bigger hole that I never should've agreed too and here it biting him in the ass (and me a little, at least I still get to have a wine on it for now). H had to get a variance permit on it last summer when we listed the house due to the contractor making it a 1 ft bigger (can't exactly remember but it's in an older thread lol) than allowed by the town. He did follow through and do that. When he got it, he told me it was all good. (The following is on me to some degree because when we deal with these people we know they can't be trusted.) I believed it was all good. When he sent the papers to the realtor last night, it states that we were to have an electrical outlet inspected, railing installed and a couple other things and the variance expires in November of this year. So really... it wasn't all good. The twatwaddle probably didn't even reading it.( I'm starting to wonder if he is even literate anymore  :o). Today's text from him was " I hope it will all be ok". Seriously?!?!? I have kept my mouth shut because if I open, I am afraid of what might come out of it. I am grateful that he at least provided the paper work. I have decided that should there be issues with this, inspection needing to be booked, railing done or whatever comes back, it's not my problem. He walked away, he wanted the dream deck, he didn't communicate what the documentation actually entailed , he can deal with it. I'm not taking responsibility for it. It will work out the way that God has planned. But I do still have a burr up my butt that he is such nimrod right now. Lol. I am praying this all works out and that I don't loose the place I have lined up due to this.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Thunder

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #6 on: May 29, 2019, 12:10:09 PM »
Oh geeez, sorry to hear this hon but you're right, it is his to fix.  You just have to wonder what happens to their brain.   ::)

Hope things go smoothly.  Darn it.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #7 on: May 29, 2019, 08:17:09 PM »

You just have to wonder what happens to their brain.   ::)


Thunder, you have no idea how many times I have said this or thought it over the last 3 plus years! 

FN - sending positive vibes your way. 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #8 on: May 31, 2019, 09:41:46 PM »
Attaching

Thinking of you as you move.  That was very much an emotional time in my life after BD.  I'm hoping things aren't too stressful for you.
M-41
H-43
S-19
D-17
S-14
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Has several dating profiles on POF and another but no major signs of anything new.

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline FearNotTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #9 on: June 03, 2019, 02:02:33 PM »
Thank you all!

The house deal is officially done. Sold. Moving and moving on. I have been packing and liquidating things because the space I am going to is much smaller. It does feel good to purge. I have 11 days until the movers come. I can't even really put it into words right now. I've been so busy that I don't really have much time to think about it and when I do take a moment, I almost feel blank ( if blank can be a feeling Lol).

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Thunder

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #10 on: June 03, 2019, 02:42:51 PM »
Yes..bland, stunned, numb..is a good way to express it.

It will take you awhile to wrap your head around all this Fear, but you will.
You will.

Things are moving fast you just need to catch up.

A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #11 on: June 04, 2019, 03:12:50 PM »
One day at a time, FN.  You can only do so much each day, and the emotions are in high gear right now.  Sending support. 

 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #12 on: June 05, 2019, 05:01:33 AM »
I remember that day VERY well... sitting in the lawyers office on Ash Wednesday 2016 with STBXW so Hyper-Happy, the new owners looking like the cat that ate the canary (they got a VERY good deal) and me thinking "Well, this is really it. She's managed to destroy everything ."

I started looking for a new place to live the following day since we had until the end of April to vacate....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #13 on: June 08, 2019, 02:18:13 PM »
I remember sitting in my house closing with similar thoughts as UM.  Same looks on new owners faces.  The difference was that I'd already vacated.  It was kind of nice to leave him with dealing with the mess of figuring out what to do with the "leftover traces of our lives."
M-41
H-43
S-19
D-17
S-14
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Has several dating profiles on POF and another but no major signs of anything new.

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline FearNotTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #14 on: June 11, 2019, 09:19:02 AM »
That's the great thing about being able to come to this safe place. I know there are others who get how this feels. Dealing with the RL people in this situation is a bit of a challenge. Some have the idea that it's been 1.5 years, no biggie, move on. Shouldn't you be over it by now? I had one person tell me how detrimental it was for me to stay in our home for the last year and a half  ???. I don't feel it was detrimental. I feel like this played out the way it was supposed too, as difficult as it was and is. I had a year and a half (yes it was living la vida limbo) but I don't think I would change it one iota. I was in my home, now I am going to make a new home somewhere else because the time is right.

When this all started, I did everything in my power to stay. I prayed, I begged, I asked the neighbors to let their giant dogs out to sabotage the showings. Funny enough, I spoke with them the other day and they were telling me how they would let the dog out, then holler at it, holler at the kids. In the fall and spring the neighbor dude pulled his Harley out in the drive way, rev it up. They did their best to make a spectacle!! Man that made me laugh!! I'm sad to be leaving them. Such great people.

But in the end, I guess it's going to the right peeps,if they can handle all that! I probably shouldn't even share this but... the morning of the showing, I was very under the weather from some quality time of drowning a few sorrows with my cousin. I didn't even have the energy to leave the house. I grabbed my blanket, pillow, water and a snack and went for a nap in the back of my car in the garage. They didn't even look in the garage that morning. Who knew that would be the showing where the house actually sold.  ::)

So I'm down to the final few days. My mom and uncle came to get some stuff. It didn't dawn on me until the very end when my mom got really emotional, that was the last time they would be there. The tears started, and it's been tough reigning them in every since. I think I can honestly say...this is one of the most difficult things I have had to do. The range of emotions is insane. I've been trying to stay at 100 mph because I don't want to think about it...cuz when I do.. it wrecks me.

I was getting ready in the bathroom this morning and thought I only have 3 more days. I managed to work myself into such a tizzy about that, that I ended up being physically ill. So ridiculous.

I know so many of you have already walked this walk, and I am truly thankful for you sharing and supporting!! I know there is light at the end of the tunnel for me...H, well I guess time will tell.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Online Treasur

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #15 on: June 11, 2019, 09:40:05 AM »
Ah Fear....so get it.
And the feeling underneath that the time is right for something else too.
I howled like an exhausted baby when I left my greenhouse built as a surprise gift by my father and h. I howled like a child the last time I shut the door on my father's shed and walked away after selling my mother's house. I sobbed intermittently for months every time I had to empty a box or clear away stuff. Everything hurt. And like you I put my head down and kept going. But it still hurt. I felt like I was exhausted in my bones and my heart and my head all at once. Didn't eat. Didn't sleep. Inhaled coffee though lol.
Yet at the same time running away here to the sea repaired my soul. I remember feeling that I could breathe out for the first time for a very long time.

You're tired. It's emotional. But you will get there and There will be better, I promise x
« Last Edit: June 11, 2019, 09:44:28 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #16 on: June 11, 2019, 09:41:07 AM »
Ok Fear, I have to share.

When I moved out it was 101 degrees...hot!!  Bad hot!
We got me all moved in, helpers all left..I was fine all day..laughing, talking...working, after they left I made a drink and got snot-faced drunk that night, all by myself.  I couldn't believe it the next day.

I realized this was so much harder and emotional then I admitted.  Leaving my dogs was the hardest.
So if there are times you need to cry a tear or two, just do it.  This is hard.

I'm sure there are others who have stories too to tell, but you are going to be fine, Fear.

I now LOVE where I live.  It just takes awhile.
Do you have enough people to help you with the move?

{{{Big Hug}}}
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Mitzpah

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #17 on: June 11, 2019, 10:46:18 AM »
Fear Not,

It has been a good 23 years since I did any moving... I still remember how traumatic it is, though!

Perhaps the silver lining is knowing that you can move to a place that is all yours now, decorate and arrange it anyway you want, play the music you want...

Probably not much of a help right now as the emotions are running high - I remember stroking/caressing the door posts of our last house (we built it) and thanking God for all the happiness we had there, all three of our kids were born into that house. And, wow, what a mess the new house was for a good three weeks - it was stifling hot too!

I hope it goes as smoothly as these things can go. Just don't overdo things!
M 58
H 58
S 27
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #18 on: June 12, 2019, 05:11:54 AM »
FN,

I moved in March and got REALLY lucky to hit a few days when it did NOT rain... I was out of one house and into my apartment in 12 hours.... I had my bed set up, my closet, the dining room table and chairs and that was about it. Everything else was either still in boxes, needed to be bought or ordered and built... I was SO tired. I had 2 living room chairs (no couch yet), had sat down and I guess fell asleep. I woke at some point (NO idea how long) in a start and it took me about 5 minutes of blind panic before I actually realized WHERE I was...  That was the first night I had NOT been in the house formerly known as home for 10 years unless it was with STBXW and S/D on vacation...

So, yeah, there will be emotional times...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline FearNotTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #19 on: June 13, 2019, 11:39:45 AM »
Thank you all for sharing!! It really does help to hear others experiences. Then I don't feel like such a quack.

Thunder- I have hired movers. That was just easier than trying to rely on people who may or may not follow through. I didn't want that added stress.

In an hour and a half I go sign the papers for the sale of our home. I am feeling really apprehensive about this. The lawyer emailed asking when we could come in. I replied with my availability and H was sure to choose a different day.  ::) No surprise there. In my reply to the L I asked that an additional money be held in trust due to us being separated. I did not mention that I am filing for D. Passed on my L info. H replied to same with his L information and just stated that was acceptable. I wonder if this will light a fire under his ass to get things done, so he can get his dollar bills y'all?!?!?

Got the keys to my new place last night. Mixed feelings there as well. My 2 major requirements when looking for a place to live (beside affording it) was that it fit my dining room table (the one nice asset that I held firm in H not taking - he even offered to buy it.. Hell no!) and that I was living above grade. I was a basement dweller for many years (nothing wrong with it) just not what I wanted now. Funny enough, after I looked at the place, gave the deposit I freaked out that my dining table might not fit. I measured last night. Plenty of room. What I did over look is the fact that the log bed I have for the spare room will take up the entire bedroom and that my dresser won't fit in the master bedroom and will live in the bathroom.   ??? Oh well... what's a girl to do. At least my undies will be at the ready when jumping out of the shower. I have a little packing to do and tomorrow afternoon it will be a done deal.

May God give me the strength not to melt down on the movers and if I do, may they have a great sense of humor!! I am a little nervous about that happening . I can only imagine the drama they probably see, so realistically, my meltdown is probably not worthy of consideration. Right? Right! Unfortunately I have no one to be with me while leaving our home. I am trying to decide if that is good or bad. I am going to go with good because I don't really have a choice. Lol. My cousin will be able to meet me when I get to the new place later.

I am looking forward to it just being done. The house papers, the move, and starting a new way of living la vida limbo  :D.

I am supposed to be working right now and I have not accomplished a damn thing today here.  ???

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Thunder

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #20 on: June 13, 2019, 12:09:15 PM »
Fear, when I moved back in my old house and XH had to go, he was fighting it tooth and nail...he was not leaving!!

I told him we were coming..
Anyway I had to tell the movers there may be a problem when we get there.
They laughed and said not to worry about it, we've seen just about every scenario you can imagine.
So you feel how you're going to feel, they will understand.

I'm sure you will figure out the furniture, it will just take you a little time.  You'll make it nice and homey.
Plants will help a lot.  Do you have a balcony?

Good luck with today, Fear.  Wish I could go with you.  We'll all be thinking about you and sending a little prayer your way.

Biggest of hugs!!! 
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #21 on: June 13, 2019, 07:48:02 PM »
Sending support and encouragement your way, FN.   Hope the move goes okay.
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #22 on: June 14, 2019, 02:29:10 AM »
FN,

For what it is worth, in Germany, there are no such thing as Built in closets... You buy a cupboard of some sort or a wardrobe or whatever for your clothes. When I moved, the cut of my new apartment is such that my wardrobe no longer fits int he Master Bedroom (or at least not if I wanted to walk between the end of the bed and the wardrobe doors) so it now lives in my study which is the adjoining wall to the BR... So I feel your pain... and, since my bathroom is off the MBR, (and is the size of a postage stamp) I end up doing the naked perp walk between the shower and my clothes... Ironically, the MBR and Study are below grade so I don't have to worry about being seen AND it stays cooler in the summer...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline FearNotTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #23 on: June 25, 2019, 12:23:44 PM »
Thunder - I have a front porch/step/stoop?!?! that fits a couple chairs and a bbq. There's a shared patio at the back of the house with the giant downstairs!

UM- Thank you, that kinda of spoke to me in a couple ways. It's all about perspective really. Kinda like "looking outside the box" but "your wardrobe can go anywhere with your wardrobe in it, don't limit yourself to a closet" in all sorts of relatable ways  :D!! As for the naked perp walk... I am not below grade and I no longer have the same privacy. I am trying to limit my naked perp walk, but the dresser actually fit in the bedroom... hindsight... would've been easier on the neighbors if it was in the bathroom.  :-\ lol.

Update

<<<<Dusting hands off>>>>

Well, that's done!
It actually went really well. The paper signing was fine. I am glad to be rid of the imbecile realtor. The new people took possession of the house this weekend. I had messaged the realtor to set up getting the keys and garage door opener to him. His response... "leave them on the counter and let yourself out through the garage. The lock box is still there." He couldn't even be bothered to meet after making thousands of dollars off the sale of our house to say  F- all, like a thanks or just make some nice customery servicey type crap up?!?!?. Glad I don't have to communicate with him anymore.

The move...
The movers were awesome, the poor neighbor got the brunt of it. I got my melt down in before they arrived when the neighbor gal gave me a hug on the driveway and sad how said she was for me to be leaving. By melt down, I mean complete snotty, sobbing mess on the neighbors shoulder, who showed some compassion at the right time for the dam to break... Ugly cry... It must've been epic enough because she brought me flowers shortly after to help cheer me up and have something bright in my new place. Too dang sweet. More tears.

The move itself went really well. They did an awesome job, they were very kind and had me from one place to another in 6 hours. My cousin came and stayed with me the first night and helped me unpack. We had a lot of fun. I was glad that she came. She was a huge help getting me settled. She also may have over served me. lol

I have been in the new place just over a week and I am really liking it. The neighborhood seems pretty good, the giant downstairs seems alright. It feels right to be there. I planted a bunch of flowers, got stung by a wasp and had my hand swell up 3x it normal size. I tend to react dramatically to stings. Luckily the EPI pen didn't need to be brought out.  :D. It's 3 days later and still swollen but I don't look like a mutant any more. I am declaring war on that nest!!

I feel very relieved to be done with the sale of our home, as sad as it was. It does feel like freedom. This does feel like my place. I feel like am going in the right direction. It feels gooood!

Today my SD is being moved to a long term palliative care home. This is great news. He will no longer be isolated in his hospital room. It has been very hard on my mom, making all the decisions about it. It finally became very real to here that he wasn't coming home.  :-[. Hard on both of them, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I think maybe when the dust settles a little more, I might be a little more emotional about it all, right now, I am tired. What am I going to do with all the worry free time I will have, since I don't have to clean house for showings, SD is going to a good place, things will be leveling out for mom?!?! Not sure, but looking forward to it.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN


M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Thunder

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #24 on: June 25, 2019, 12:44:17 PM »
Oh Fear I'd rather have a porch than a balcony.  You could get some cute potted flowers out there...AFTER you get rid of the bees.  Your landlord should pay for that. btw.

Anyway I am thrilled you are happy and like your new place.   ;D

Sorry for the epic meltdown (it had to come out), now it's done and dusted!!
You may feel teary at times but the big one is over.  Whew!
Very sweet of your neighbors.

I know you are going to make your place look so cute.

Big Hug hon

A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #25 on: June 26, 2019, 04:15:04 PM »

I think maybe when the dust settles a little more, I might be a little more emotional about it all, right now, I am tired. What am I going to do with all the worry free time I will have, since I don't have to clean house for showings, SD is going to a good place, things will be leveling out for mom?!?! Not sure, but looking forward to it.


Well, I'm going to recommend at least 36 holes of golf with all that extra time! 

So the house craziness is done - good.  It's another thing to put in the past with other memories.   We just keep moving forward FN.  That's all we can do. 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline FearNotTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #26 on: July 03, 2019, 01:19:36 PM »
Thanks Thunder! The flower pots are planted  ;D!!

SB- If it would stop raining here for a dang minute I would administer your recommendation!

It's been pretty quiet the last little while. I am feeling more at home. Something has been occurring since I moved that I forgot what it was like to experience in the last year and a half. I have actually been sleeping through some of the nights (fairly regularly). I have never been a great sleeper to begin with, but it was more of a falling asleep than staying asleep issue. Since H peaced out it became both. I rarely have slept through the night since BD. It has happened now on several occasions ???. I think that's a good sign. I think that perhaps I can relax a little easier in my own space, knowing it is mine. H has no idea where I live, he can't walk in at any moment... and I think the important part... I am not expecting/hoping that he will. I don't have that need to listen for the garage door opening constantly. It's funny, well not really, but I realize now that I was living like that. Fully expecting that he could show up at any given moment. I didn't really comprehend the stress of that. I just wanted to stay in our home so badly. I don't regret staying there for the year and a half, but I am realizing that perhaps it did affect me a little more than I was truly aware of.

It was a long weekend here in canuck land and it was pretty tame. Rain, rain and more rain. I went to Pentatonix concert and really enjoyed it. Tried golfing on Monday and got rained out, so I took the afternoon, sat on my couch curled up in my blanket, watched numerous episodes of crap tv that I have on the PVR, ate ice cream & potato chips for supper and went to bed at 8:30. It was great!! It has been a long, long time since I did NOTHING. It kinda made me realize how tired I am. Not sure if that's good or bad. Lol.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Online Treasur

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #27 on: July 03, 2019, 01:34:57 PM »
Good to hear, FN. I didn't sleep through the night until I moved here a year ago. Tbh I think we don't realise the strain until we feel safer again  ;)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline FearNotTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #28 on: July 09, 2019, 01:50:27 PM »
I 100% agree with you Treasur!!

Well let get this party started!!

Finally heard back from the L. The counter offer that I received from H was absolutely ridiculous. Basically it was I keep my half for what we made on the house(which wasn't much) and he keeps his half, He'll give me  $5k and I just go away. It also included that our marriage/relationship was only 6 years. Not sure how H arrived at the number. We owned our first home for 7 years together and the second one for 3 years. Technically we didn't make it to 5 years married, since he peaced out prior, so that's not where he's getting the number. We met in Jan 2007, moved into together in June 2007, married Jan 2013 and he left Dec of 2017.They really aren't good at mathing!! Lol. Needless to say, I won't be accepting the offer. It felt like a real punch in the gut. More so the fact that we were together 11 years and I guess you just get to automatically erase 5 of those?!?! For why? Because you worked away from home so they don't count? Because maybe you weren't invested the last 5, then why the heck did we get married at that point?I truly don't understand where the 6 years comes from. A number pulled out of H's arse? Sorry this is me venting my anger, hurt and shock. I know this is just the beginning of negotiations. It sure does bring the frustration to the surface quickly though.

I have an appointment for a call with my L Thursday morning to discuss. I have zero intentions of backing down on this. I have dug myself a big hole over for the last year and a half for his benefit and I am not willing to do that anymore. Not because I want to be vindictive or play the victim card but because I need to watch out for myself and all I am asking for is what is entitled by law. I have finally come to the conclusion that I do not have to sacrifice my well being whether financial, emotional, socially etc for him. It won't make the MLC shorter, it won't bring him back and honestly I don't think it pushes him any further away because he has pretty much vanished. Am I being crazy? I feel a little crazy. It feels mean to counter back. I have tried so hard to approach this with as much grace as possible, but when I stand up for myself for these things, it makes me feel like I am being that "woman who is taking him for everything he's got". Which is his words ringing in my ears from last year, and I know it's not true. That's not what this is at all. It all just feels so crappy.
M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Father5

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #29 on: July 09, 2019, 02:23:42 PM »
Hi fearnot,

  We are very similar timelines. Together 12 years married five. I am getting left high and dry. The cash I brought onto the relationship is considered mutual and her assets are considered brought into and not mutual. If you don't get very penny you are entitled too you will be fooling yourself. Your anger and resentment will only build as you realize you will have nothing at our age to fall back on. Please do not risk it and go after every penny you can get. Life is short and he will just spend it on the O/W if you let him have it all. I am not saying this out of anger to you but they aren't thinking clearly and they definitely aren't thinking about us! You look out for #1 now!
Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #30 on: July 09, 2019, 02:54:37 PM »

I have finally come to the conclusion that I do not have to sacrifice my well being whether financial, emotional, socially etc for him. It won't make the MLC shorter, it won't bring him back and honestly I don't think it pushes him any further away because he has pretty much vanished. Am I being crazy? I feel a little crazy. It feels mean to counter back. I have tried so hard to approach this with as much grace as possible, but when I stand up for myself for these things, it makes me feel like I am being that "woman who is taking him for everything he's got". Which is his words ringing in my ears from last year, and I know it's not true. That's not what this is at all. It all just feels so crappy.


FN - I hear you.  In fact, there are probably many here that felt just like you're feeling right now.  I started out feeling that way but it didn't take long for me to re-think things, especially after I landed here. 

I needed to make sure that I was getting my share of what I put into this relationship (and that was much more in dollar form than he had!). It became pretty clear, pretty early, that my MLCer wasn't going to look out for me or my interests.  Well, okay then....I'm an educated grown woman and I needed to pull it together and look out for me! 

I think you'll know what is fair and what is greed.  Do what needs to be done for you to get what you are rightly entitled to.  Keep us posted. 

How's the golfing?  I haven't even taken my clubs out yet!   :(
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline Thunder

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #31 on: July 09, 2019, 03:08:00 PM »
Fear, try to stay calm.  I know this is truly upsetting but remember his lawyer is only trying to get the best deal for is client.  Yours will do the same.  Just wait until you talk to him/her.

My H's lawyer did the same thing to me.  The offer was ridiculous.

Big Hug Hon!
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline FearNotTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #32 on: July 10, 2019, 12:16:15 PM »
Father5- Thank you for your advice! Sorry that you have ended up here with the rest of us.

SB- Thanks for reiterating what I needed to hear! I do know what is fair and H does not have my interests in mind! Get those clubs out girl!!! I got rained out on Sunday and I was on fire, if I do say so myself!!lol. Supposed to be playing 9 tonight, forecast is rain. Hopefully it passes. Another tee time on Saturday, forecast, more rain  >:(. I think I should just wear my swim suit, get a rain glove and go for it...unless of course there is lightening!

Thunder- I really should've expected ridiculous all things considered! Lol. That does seem to be the common thing around here!!

I think I'm getting my head wrapped around this.

I spent sometime going over the affidavit and have my questions and responses ready for my conversation with the L tomorrow morning. I am feeling better about it. I know in my heart of hearts I am not being vindictive or greedy (thanks for reminding me SB that I do have a conscious and I do know right from wrong) and that it's ok for me to ask for what I am entitled to. I can't let his words of me "ruining his life/taking him for everything he has" have any bearing on what needs to be done. Those words are not who I am and regardless of what I do or don't do, there is a good chance H will think that anyway. I can't control what H thinks, does or says, but I know who I am and how I have treated him during our relationship, marriage and this last year and a half and it has been with grace and kindness. I have nothing to regret, and I am not going to regret not standing up for myself because of the fear of what H is saying. The more I thought about it the more I realized that under all of it the root was fear. Fear that he might think differently of me, that he wouldn't love me. The fact of the matter is, he doesn't know me anymore, I don't know him and whether he loves me or not, now or later, has no bearing on this. This is business (like Seahorse says in her thread)

I allowed the response to steal my peace but I don't have to have it that way. My peace comes from God and within myself. Not from H and the L's and the dealings working out. Is there still some melt downs ahead...yup pretty sure there might be, but this crap, this response they sent, doesn't define what our R was, it doesn't define me, it doesn't discredit what was. Whether H thinks it's 6 years, 2 years, 20 years, whatever. I KNOW. I know how long we were together. I know our history and this is just another moment where he is rewriting it. I guess in some ways I should feel blessed that I managed to get 5 years more out of the R than he did. lol. There's a lot of great memories throughout that time. I get to have all 11 years. He's only got 6!! Tee hee hee!!

I'm not saying it doesn't hurt, and that there isn't going to be WTH moments, hours, or days throughout this process, but I am going to do my very best to honestly treat it as business. I think maybe it was Acorn who said something about putting your R and H in a box up on the shelf... I'm gonna try pack that up, and do just that. I think I have just enough room in my spare room closet for it.  :)

Hugs N Prayers.
FN
M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline FearNotTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #33 on: October 15, 2019, 12:30:30 PM »
So it's been awhile and I've got a bit of rambling to do. Just coming here to spew my stuff, since it seems like my best option. It served me well for a long time so I figured I might as well try get this stuff outta my head and heart.

I've been in the new place for awhile and it's taking a little more adjusting than anticipating. Initially it was good, I was good. I was able to decorate and organize they way I want it, make it all mine. Telling myself and those around me how grateful I was to be there , that I have a roof over my head, it's decent place, all works out the way it should, and yet within, I had never felt less grateful, sad and longing for life I once had. I had my golf happening and work was in full swing. I was busy, busy, busy and then it stopped. My ladies golf network wrapped up, worked slowed down, some big changes at work announced, friendships fading/changing/ending and the silence came. And now... I don't know. I'm struggling.

I've spent the last month my own head space, trying to look within, and realizing that my issues seem to run a little deeper and wider than I really ever knew. Forget about H outrunning his FOO issues, turns out I've had my sneakers on for awhile. I have managed to keep myself very occupied with golf, crafts,friend drama, trying to make new friends, working harder, mirror work, galing and generally anything that would take my attention from what I really had going on inside. When everything came to a halt... and I have no craft room/tee time/piles of work to run to I came across a lot of time on my hands and  some very uncomfortable feelings creeping in. I also ended up having ample time to look at how/why I was relating to some of the different relationships from  family, friends, acquaintances in my life and was in need of making some changes. I finally think the time has come to stop, be still, face this crap and find some healing. It's been almost a year since the book on Co Dependency made a debut in my life. Almost a year since I became aware of how this related to me and almost a year of continuing the vicious cycle (albeit with some changes  :)).

More later

Hugs N Prayers
FN

Hugs

M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline FearNotTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #34 on: October 15, 2019, 08:06:12 PM »
Boundaries aren't my strong point. I've been working on that for awhile now and it really is a work in progress, filled with a lot of frustration. I have realized in the last little while that I don't really want to set boundaries with people, because then when they cross them, I would have to address it. If I address it and they don't like it, there is the chance that they will walk away and well...abandonment. I have a hard time dealing with that or not dealing, truth be told. If someone told me prior to the last couple months that I had abandonment issues, I would've disagreed. Said that I dealt with my childhood crap and I'm all good. Today, there's things creeping out of the past that I had never really allowed myself to really think about, let alone feel.

I recently had a friendship end and it sent me reeling and down the path to try figure out the whys and what my role really was. I finally had the courage to enforce a boundary and the friendship came to crashing halt. The negative- I've lost a friend. The positive- I made a big step in upholding a boundary that meant something to me for once, it's caused me to do a lot of soul searching, and has made me aware that I have some underlying issues that I need to get a reign on.

I read the co dependency book last year and I totally related to it.  I think somehow I thought by just reading it, it would somehow resolve the issues within me by osmosis  :-\. I am a fixer and caregiver  but didn't really get that it was what I identified with, found my self worth in and in a lot of ways how I controlled things and people. But I do. I really do and it sucks to realize it. It was how I made myself feel worthy, validated and less insecure about the possibility of someone walking away. If I do enough, if I do it to perfection, if I take it all on, leave them wanting for nothing, they are going to NEED me, because I am indispensable. They couldn't possibly walk away, when I do so much for them, right? Ya they can, they do, they will, H did and others before him. It's pretty skewed thinking that I can control my world in that way. I am finally grasping that this doesn't work and trying  to get to a place where this doesn't happen. Where I don't chose or draw the people that are great projects to be fixed/helped and I can do so much for them and they'll see how great I really am.(shaking my own head)That's not where my worth/value or identity is and damn it's exhausting. I know it starts with dealing with my brokenness and using this quiet time to really reflect on that, instead of being distracted by doing for the sake of avoiding. I think this is probably where the saying "you can't outrun your past" might come in to play.
M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Milly

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #35 on: October 18, 2019, 05:00:44 PM »
Fear, how you described yourself is exactly how I think I was, too: "If I do enough, if I do it to perfection, if I take it all on, leave them wanting for nothing, they are going to NEED me, because I am indispensable. They couldn't possibly walk away, when I do so much for them, right?" This is how I thought for so many years, and probably as a child, too.

Just like you, I now realized that it got me nothing. As much I like to look after my loved ones and have them want for nothing, I'm not doing it as much any more. The lack of appreciation has finally got through to me. But it's not that simple.

This: "I am a fixer and caregiver  but didn't really get that it was what I identified with, found my self worth in and in a lot of ways how I controlled things and people."

I thought I was doing it for my family, but I was doing it to feel good about myself. I realize now that they didn't ask me to do everything, I took it upon myself, then begrudged them for not being grateful or for not doing like me.

Great lesson Fear. Thanks for pointing this out to me with your candor.   
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline FearNotTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #36 on: October 21, 2019, 01:13:33 PM »
Milly- It's a tough realization to come to and I too have been doing this since childhood, unasked, but begrudgingly as well. This journey is a not an easy one and there is a lot to learn at every twist and turn. Big hugs!!

One of the questions that I came across in the last little while, while reading about childhood issues was " Did you ever feel like you weren't trusted as a child?" I had never really thought about that much until I read that question. When I started journaling, I realized that there was one very significant incidence at 16 where I wasn't trusted and it had a major impact for me over the years. At 16 I had been dating a fellow for 6 months, went to the Dr. on my own, to find out about birth control. Nothing had happened at this point, but I wanted to be smart about it. I didn't take my health care number with me and they sent a bill to my home address for the visit. My mom opened it (initial breaking of trust), freaked out, made a bunch of assumptions and ultimatums. I tried to tell her otherwise, she wouldn't believe me. The end result I moved out at 16.5 yrs of age, in with my boyfriend, and lived with him for a number of months before I ever took that step. That's probably oversharing.... ???

 That move affected a lot of things in my life and there were a lot of consequences. I had to work very hard to graduate, pay rent and endured ridicule at school for living with my boyfriend and his cousin, a place I didn't fit in initially and certainly not after that. (There's a lot I gained from it as well, I've always had a great work ethic, been able to support myself etc.) But I had never really allowed myself to consider the negative effects of that. How it really affected me that my mom just would not believe me. That I was trying to live according to the morals/values that I was brought up with but still try to be a smart, responsible 16 year old, because you aren't always as strong as you think. I thought I was ( and I was) doing the right thing by being prepared, informed, taking initiative not to be unsafe,prevent teenage pregnancy if I decided on a different choice down the road. In my mom's mind I was already guilty. That 16 yr old girl still hurts from this. When it comes to trusting myself and others, I think this has some answers as to why I don't think I make good decisions for myself.

 I think I have 2 choices here. Have a conversation with my mom, let her know she was wrong about me, maybe she will believe it, maybe not, but I'd get to say my piece OR truly let it go, forgive her and myself (which I think is a big part of it) and move forward. I'm not sure what avenue to take here, but I know I do have to make a choice.

I have never given myself credit for making an informed decision at 16 and sticking with it for long time. It wasn't a bad decision. It was a smart decision given I grew up in a household where you sure as heck did not discuss those things and here I am at 47, still kid less (by choice). Guess I at least got that part down pat!! ;)

These days, I still feel like I don't trust myself in making good decisions regarding my personal life. I realize there is more to work through now, dealing with H's betrayal, but it's time to deal with some of this residual stuff that's been there in the back of my head. That 16 year old girl was pretty awesome and smart and deserves some credit and so does the 47 yr old. It's just working through the crap to get there.

My faith is a big part of my life, but even in that, I am realizing I have a lot of work to do, especially in the area of trust and worthiness (mine). Good thing He's patient and understanding cuz He's got a bit of a project on his hands here.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Thunder

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #37 on: October 22, 2019, 04:33:19 AM »
Fear,

I think that would be a big step in your healing to discuss this with your mother.  It may be something she needs to talk about too.
Having your daughter move out at such a young age had to have had a big impact on her.

Sounds like you have been doing a lot of inner work on yourself.
I think this happens to a lot of us when we go through something like this, and it changes us...sometimes dramatically, sometimes in just small ways, but they are good changes.

Hugs
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline FearNotTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #38 on: October 24, 2019, 02:21:41 PM »
Thunder-That's a great point!! I have never really thought about the impact it had on her (now who's the self centered one  :o Yikes!). Thank you for bringing that up. She was just newly married to my step dad at that time as well. There is probably a very interesting conversation to be had, and it will probably be nothing like what I anticipate in my head.

So while googling all sorts of things about dealing with your past/healing/ moving on/self reflection and instant pot recipes, I came across some really interesting questions. I decided to write them out and journal my answers (they are in my real journals that my BFF has been tasked with burning should I leave this world) and they really made me think about things. Some of the questions I am still working on. A glimpse of the reflections will/are shared here, and a lot of it is just a little too much to put out there.  But I'm gonna leave them here and maybe there will be value in them for someone else. The one thing I know, is that even a few months ago... I wasn't ready to answer these. That in itself lets me know I am heading in the right direction.

Did you lie to yourself about what was happening in your relationship?
Did you lie to yourself about any relationships in your life?
Did you ignore what emotions were screaming at you and chose to tell an acceptable story?
Did you grow up in a family where members had lied, family secrets prevailed or false appearances were created?
Have you ever felt guilt or taken blame in your life previously? (LBS might need a few pages for the MLC'er accusations here  ;))
Have you ever been very fearful about what people think of you?
What truly is the way you think about yourself, your own rights and worthiness?
What are your levels of self talk? Are they loving or condemning?
Did you grow up in a family where you were not trusted and even blamed for what went wrong?
Do you have a relationship with yourself?
Do you really love and cherish yourself?
Do you really commit to yourself, meaning self care and self emotional support?
Was your family one which did not include regular displays of love and affection and did not nurture within you the deep feelings that you were loved?

Hugs N Prayers,
FN



M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Schratz66

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #39 on: October 28, 2019, 12:42:37 PM »
Fear - I could hug you right now - not because of any deep wisdom you shared but because I finally found you again - I thought you had dropped off while all along it was I who somehow missed the connection to a new thread and missed all the moving and selling the house and I am so, so sorry that I wasn't there to support you but I see many of the other more diligent peeps here were right there for you. I feel terrible for missing all of it. Please forgive me.

Anyhow.....I am all caught up now and wow - what a few months you have had. This journey sure isn't for the weak hearted, is it ? But as always you show such strength and courage and are always a wonderful inspiration to me.

And excuse me, if I chuckle just a wee bit......and I only chuckle because I have been right there....thinking that we have dealt with our own childhood issues and then out of nowhere BAM there they are because we really didn't deal with them at all. At least I didn't....I thought I was all done and cool with my father leaving us and mother becoming a raging alcoholic and that I was a fine upstanding citizen now.....it only took my H MLC to show me just how not dealt I was with all those issues.

And who would have ever thought Co-Dependency was the word....not me - since I clearly didn't think I had an issue.....and then I read Melodie Beattie's books about Co-Dependents and they all showed me that yes, I had an issue and was repeating patterns from child hood to 'earn' being loved by being perfect and compliant.

And that is the main thing I still struggle with. Finding my own worth.
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline FearNotTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #40 on: November 15, 2019, 02:08:19 PM »
S66 - Nothing to forgive, just big hugs to you! We all get a little lost on here sometimes! I totally hear you on finding your own self worth. That is not an easy task. I spent years placing that in H and many other things. Change isn't easy but it is necessary to move forward.

Not much has been happening besides spending time with the most awesome person I know...me. Lol. I decided to throw some of my crafts in a sale and I have a couple weeks to get everything together. Time crunch!! I also am not sharing a work office right now. There was some big changes at my work in October and  initially I didn't handle it well. The gal that I have shared an office with for 7 years and has been one of my biggest supporters/ sounding board/ and hugger was promoted to a different position. That required her moving out of our office. We were both devastated when we realized we were being split up, as she too has gone through quite a bit in the last couple years. I cried for 2 days at work as did she. I was a complete disaster. It then dawned on me that perhaps I was over reacting and that it all had to do with the feeling that I was losing her/being left. The reality was (and go ahead and laugh) she was moving next door... It's not like I would never see her again, but it "felt" like it was going to be life altering (I have a difficult time with change Lol). Of course the dynamic has changed, we don't get to spend hours talking about stuff as we work, but she still here when I need her. And that is when life reinforced that I have a little more work to do!!

In other news, my SD is doing better. He spent a few days in the hospital getting his heart meds adjusted but is back in his new home. He was excited to go back which was great to hear. Tonight I am going to see "The Hiding Place" with my mom. It's a live theater production. On Monday my previous office mate and I are invited to join the Christmas Party of one of the companies I use. They are taking us to see Shaun Majumder (comedian), so that should be fun as well.

I just finished reading the book "Soul Care" and it's given me more to think about, more to work on, but a great guide(for me) to deal with some issues. I haven't heard a peep from H. I contacted my L the other day to see if there was a date for Judicial Review and we are still waiting. So since H was on my mind I decided to creep OW IG account and saw a pic of them at Halloween. It made me really sad to see how run down and unhealthy he looks, and that's not because he was in a costume  :-\. He didn't even look like the man I married.  :(. I was able to not wallow in it. I came, I creeped, I saw, I closed, I moved on to something else... Progress.

So the big news... I booked a trip to Cuba in January. SOLO. I am terrified but a little excited. Still kind of processing the feelings. I haven't traveled alone, so this is definitely new territory for me. I felt strongly that this was something that I needed to do. I might feel differently when it comes time to board the plane. Lol.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #41 on: November 15, 2019, 06:46:36 PM »
Nice update, FN. 

Good for you on that Cuba booking. 

I've learned to travel alone and it's been an adjustment but I'm getting there. 

I still don't look for any signs of my MLCer and the owifey.  Pretty sure it would hurt too much for me so good for you that you sailed through that. 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline Schratz66

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #42 on: November 16, 2019, 07:16:08 PM »
Cuba - sounds exciting!!
Glad that SD is doing better and you sound so at peace.
How awe inspiring that you can creep on OW and then be done and not go into monkey brain mode.

Do you have a secret on how to get your mind back on yourself ?
Since my H is contacting more now, every contact throws me out of balance and I’m so wobbly now and need to find balance again.

What kind of crafts are you taking to the fair ?
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline FearNotTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #43 on: November 19, 2019, 10:24:40 AM »
SB, what would be your best piece of advice for travelling alone, besides safety issues? Frankly, I think it is better to just not look...but curiosity killed the cat, right?!?!? One day it will bite me in the ass, I am sure! Lol.

S66, I don't have a secret really. My focus has definitely been on healing what's within me, my issues, my past. A lot of ME and God. I've spent a lot of my time reading books pertaining to my faith and healing, journaling, and dealing with my thoughts. That has made it easier to put the focus back on me.

 My situation is very different from yours. I haven't laid on eyes on H in over a year. I had a couple very brief phone calls dealing with the selling the house. We didn't even sign the papers together, he made sure to avoid me. He has completely vanished from my life. How he managed to Houdini himself right out of it, still baffles me somewhat! For me, the move has been a catalyst of shifting my thinking. It really made me realize that I am on my own now. I can't count on him in anyway, shape or form. This is my life and I am getting the hang of living like he's not coming back. I often think of when I first met H and wanted nothing to do with him. I had been single  and very independent for a long time. That's where I am headed again. Doesn't mean that I am not open to reconciliation. It's not that I don't feel anything when I looked at the pics of H and OW. I had a mixture of feelings, but the resounding one was just sadness for both of them. I also think it helps that he looks nothing like the man that I fell in love with and married. It's almost is like looking at OW as being with someone completely different. I don't know her BF cuz he doesn't resemble much of my H anymore.

Now it will be a completely different story when the date for judicial review is set and I have to see them in court. When I think about that, it makes me feel sick.

I think  being in your situation would be extremely difficult and challenging. I can't say that I wouldn't feel the same you do when if I had to run into H. Balance is difficult in life as it is and certainly a big challenge in this situation for you. I lean on my faith. That's where I find my peace, but there are days where I don't feel that either and those are the days I really struggle, but I put on my music, or listen to an inspirational message (and funny enough it generally relates to whatever I have going on)  Nothing is easy about this. You have done a tremendous job and have really showed your strength. Wobbles happen. Just like the old toys (1970's)... Weebles wobble but they don't fall down!! That's you S66!

I am making a variety of wreaths, deco mesh angels, blinging some hats... generally trying to get rid of the crap in my tiny storage room :)

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline FearNotTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #44 on: November 26, 2019, 08:11:01 AM »
Off to a great start to Tuesday! I wiped out on the ice on the road in front of my house. I totally did the bambi. I had a heck of a time trying to stand back up. Scraped up my knuckles and banged up my knee and elbow. So graceful  :'( and then a charming email awaiting me from H.

So after crickets for a number of months H has resurfaced with a request. He hopes I'm doing well and he would like to settle out of court  ::). Heck, me too! BUT.. His deal is that I take what little we made on the house, AND I pay for the divorce AND I pay transfer fees out of that money and we call it even (no mention of any other assets etc), because if we go to court that will eat up all the money we made (or is is because he will end up having to pay what is required by law?!?!  ::)). I am going to wait to respond, because I don't think what I really want to say is what I should be responding with.  They really do come up with some doozies!!
M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Thunder

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #45 on: November 26, 2019, 08:21:02 AM »
Oh geez Fear, so that was the best offer he could come up with???   ::)
Yeah you better not answer just yet.  ha ha

Sorry about your fall, hope you're not too hurt.
The Bambi comment made me laugh out loud.   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Milly

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #46 on: November 26, 2019, 11:07:32 AM »
Sorry about he Bambi fall, Fear. I hope you're not too sore tomorrow.

Re your H's request to settle out of court the way he wants it or else...These MLCers are so boring. They think they can scare monger us into doing things quickly the way they want or we will end up with nothing because of their D? My H does this, too. What they don't get is that we are not that person they left. They, unfortunately, are still the person they were when they left.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #47 on: November 27, 2019, 03:52:50 AM »
Rule of Three application right there....

You mean this one?



Ouch!
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Treasur

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #48 on: November 27, 2019, 04:19:21 AM »
Quote
.These MLCers are so boring.

Now this is a great example of realistic detachment lol...go Milly  :)
As we refind our sense of self and normality, the MLC stuff becomes both predictable and frankly rather dull. Even a bit silly.
The key I suspect is a combination of losing our fear and no longer feeling a need to tell them how stupid their behaviour is....
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Philadelphiagirl

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #49 on: November 27, 2019, 05:16:26 AM »
I agree Milly and Treasur, it does become boring and silly! I am still working on losing my fear FN and am enduring similar scare tactics. You got this!!!! It is all so very, very predictable!

Sorry to hear about your fall, sending support, PG xxx

Offline FearNotTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #50 on: November 27, 2019, 09:44:54 AM »
You peeps are right. It is scare tactics, predictable, and a waste of breath to try explain their behavior. Thank you for the support and encouraging words.

UM- Yup, it was pretty much just like that. Awkward!

I woke up pretty stiff and sore this morning. These old bones aren't meant to fall down. The blessing was that I had made a tulle angel with a glass ornament head for my co worker. I was carrying it when I wiped out and did everything I could so she wouldn't break. She made it... lol.

I wrote H back. I knocked a little off of what the L suggested asking for, told him I'd acquiesce on a couple other things that wouldn't make or break me and mirrored his sentiment that "I feel this a very fair offer".  :D

I had an answer within minutes, telling me that we agree on everything but spousal (which is some progress). Therefore we are at odds because my L thinks I'm entitled and his L thinks I'm not. Then went on to state that we could go to JDR and there's a chance that I would get absolutely nothing in spousal and of course the cost of it. Let's work this out. Sure there's a chance that could happen. But there's also a chance that I would get it... or a portion of it. More scare tactics. I really don't know what to reply because it's just going in circles. I was thinking a simple "Yes that could happen and I guess we are at odds. Life's a gamble (he loves to gamble), guess I'll roll the dice on this one." because I really have nothing to say. I'm gonna sit on it for awhile before replying or maybe not even reply.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #51 on: November 29, 2019, 05:27:52 AM »
Sort of like accident insurance.... The insurance company is gambling that you'll never make a claim and just pay them lots of money in premiums. You, on the other hand, are gambling that you will make a claim that will equal or exceed what you are paying them in premiums...

I personally think the odds are probably more in your favor...

Note to H:


Let you lawyer reply... That is what they are there for...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #52 on: November 29, 2019, 06:14:22 AM »
Fear, I understand you want to make things fair, but please think future/down the road when accepting anything.  Once it's done you can go back and redo it.  Think only what is best for you and your future. I'm sure he is.

If your lawyer thinks you should ask for xyz, then he knows the probability of it being accepted by the courts is good.

I also agree with UM, maybe just say you will run it by your lawyer and he/she can let you know what they think of the offer.

Hugs
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #53 on: November 29, 2019, 06:19:57 AM »
I'm glad you waited before replying. 

I also think you get legal advice. 

Getting any snow there?   Have one we just finished and another one due to hit Saturday.    :(
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline Thunder

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #54 on: November 29, 2019, 06:38:52 AM »
 :(
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline FearNotTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #55 on: December 02, 2019, 08:25:11 AM »
Perfect one UM! I think that should just play on loop in the background when we go the the JDR. Lol. I also like your analogy!!

Thanks for the support SB and Thunder I decided not to negotiate any more.

This was my reply: "Well I guess we are at odds then. There is a formula that they use to determine spousal and the splitting of assets etc (as I am sure you are well aware of).  If I was indeed not entitled to it whatsoever, then my L wouldn't even bother to request it.  I think it is in my best interests perhaps to let the courts decide. They can be the ones to go over the financials and documentation as to what transpired in the last year and a half, as well as the 11 years together and make a call. I am really not too concerned, I am in no rush.  Cheers, FN"

I didn't get a response from H. But what I did get this weekend was a text from MIL wondering how I am? I haven't heard from her since last Feb when I wished her Happy Birthday and got a thanks back. I answered vaguely as she usually tends not to engage much past that. Then she wrote me all about FIL back surgery, Grans new home, Grans been sick (all things I already knew cuz Gran wrote me). I replied that I hope things calm down for them ,less stress and that everyone receives the healing they need. She wasn't done yet. Then she wanted to know if I see my friends, did I find a church, ohhh and the best one yet... have I started dating?! I responded with I'm keeping busy as always, I haven't found a local church yet but continue online and have no interest in dating. Fishing Expedition perhaps, in light of just having contact with H?!?!?

Well December is upon me. I woke up in  a snit this morning and trying to shake it off. I've got to get this negative December garbage out of my head. I'm struggling with the approach of 2 years since BD. Christmas was never really my deal to begin with, certainly not a fan now, but it's not like I can get around it. I don't have the option of crawling into a cave and emerging on January 1. Although that would be nice... wonder how many bags of Cheetos I'd need to get through it? And Prosecco! Lol.

I spent 2 hrs yesterday scraping hardened laundry soap encrusted with cat litter off the floor of the laundry room ( I don't have a cat). I made the mistake of vacuuming under the edge of the dryer and heard the vacuum pick up all sorts of stuff. Stuck the little edger thing under a little further and came up with a pink chewed up nail brush ???  Can't just leave that alone, so I pulled out the washer and dryer and wish I had once more listened about how "Curiosity killed the cat..." There was caked on, dried up laundry soap from who knows how long ago,with kitty litter, a lot of lint and some mysterious other liquid that was unidentifiable (other people unidentified stuff is gross). It was so disgusting! Needless to say after folding myself behind the laundry machines to get this done, I could barely unfold myself. What a pain in the patooty. When I first moved into the rental I spent a couple hours cleaning laundry soap out of where you're supposed to put liquid bleach in the washing machine...now I know where all the laundry soap leaked.   :-\ Bright side- it's done now and I don't have to worry about doing it again because I know where the soap goes!!

Dropped my items off at the craft sale Friday night and I am hoping I have nothing to bring home!!

We've had a couple dumps of snow but they have melted. This weekend was cold with a skiff of snow but we are supposed to be above zero this week. Considering it's the beginning of December we don't have much, I am A-OK with it!! There's a lot shoveling at the new place and the basement troll (renter downstairs) doesn't seem to be inclined to do much. Less snow we get the better off I am  :)

Hugs N Prayers,
FN



M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Thunder

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #56 on: December 02, 2019, 09:28:49 AM »
Fear, not too surprising you got no reply.  He probably thought...dang, foiled again!
I really liked how calm you sounded.  I'm in no hurry...ha ha

Your mil is not too sneaky, is she?  It sounds like the whole contact was about asking you if you were dating.  I couldn't even imagine my mil (RIP) ever asking me if I was dating yet.
Hmmm...who really wants to know?   ::)

Well dear, hope your little snit mood is over.  Although it sounds like you had ample reasons to feel that way.

Good luck on selling your items!

Hugs
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Schratz66

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #57 on: December 02, 2019, 12:31:42 PM »
I love your reply and am so proud of you for not caving and trying to make it easy on him.
You go girl.....and you must have done a very elegant fancy triple tooloop if you managed to not break a glass head on that angel...had it been me that head would have been smashed to smithereens.
Really - MIL - like that's not obvious at all on what you are doing ? I swear they think we are all as dumb as they become when they walk out. More kudos for replying casually and not revealing nothing and even more Kudos for not calling her out on her pathetic little snitch move.

I am with you on the not much of a December fan. Christmas was never fun while growing up and it is even less fun now without MLC. So, if you bring the Cheetos I will bring the wine and we can find a cave somewhere to hide out in.
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline FearNotTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #58 on: December 05, 2019, 08:17:51 AM »
I am happy to report that the snit is over. I am going for a massage tonight to work out some of the repercussions of my wipe out!

One thing I noticed in dealing with H last week and MIL. The urge to answer immediately is long gone. I think that is a good sign. Not that there isn't some anxiety when the messages are received, but in the past I would've answered both right away and I would've answered from a more emotional place. This time I was able to process the emotion, then answer and felt no need to cave to H's requests. Progress  :)

When I spoke to my mom (bless her heart she is cup is half full kinda gal) about the MIL text. She said, do you think perhaps she was asking more for herself, because she was a) wanting to know that I had moved on and found happiness after what her turd son did or b) wondering because she still has hope that turd son might get his life back together and go back to the best thing that ever happened to that family because, the proof is in the puddin' that the OW is bat snot bonkers and I was an awesome DIL. I never thought of it that way. I just immediately went to fishing expedition because that seemed like the logical thing. H rarely talked to his parents when we were together, so who knows if he mentioned our last interaction or not. Truth is I don't know why she asked what she did, but there could be multiple reasons. I answered with the truth. Done deal but her perspective made me realize there is other avenues, and I really don't know. She always was one to ask/say slightly inappropriate things. As an example and because it's funny now, Christmas day 2016 we got up and were sitting in the living room in our PJS. She asked me if I was wearing a bra or if they were really that perky in front of H, FIL, BIL, SIL, SIL fiance and four nephews under the age of 8?!?!? Ummmm WTH?. So that being said, if she can ask that, not so much out of the realm for the dating question. Lol.

S66- we need to find that cave, I would be so down for that!!

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
« Reply #59 on: December 06, 2019, 02:32:56 AM »
"Are they really that perky?"

OMG! Merry Christmas indeed!

Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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