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Author Topic: My Story The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot

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My Story Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
#60: December 09, 2019, 01:00:18 PM
I listened to this podcast by Jay Shetty and he speaks about closure and expectations. As an LBS, it was pretty relate-able, some of the things a little hard to hear since they hit home but some good info. Not to mention he's sounds lovely and he's pretty easy on the eyes :). Just thought I'd share.

https://player.fm/series/2484441/247608610

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
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M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
#61: December 11, 2019, 01:30:11 PM
Venting ....

Today I received another email from H (clearly written by his armchair L aka the OW) stating that I won't get anywhere with what I am asking. He's been more than fair, and will not be taken advantage of, and it's in my best interest to agree to what he is offering and other grating meanderings. Initially I wrote a scathing email back telling him to shove it up his arse, and what a complete asshat, rat fink, delusional piece of dung he is. I didn't send it. I whittled it down to "See you at the JDR." And then I didn't send that. I chose to email my L our conversation to add to the file and not respond. There really isn't any point in me responding to OW/H bullying. No reaction, no response, no contact is my best option right now but man oh man, my tongue is damn near bleeding from biting it.

The part that really sucks about this is that when I receive these emails, it shows that H is still deep in the tunnel. It reminds me that I am not even communicating with the man that I married and I don't know this stranger. I see that H who once had no problem thinking for himself, doesn't even have the ability to write an email by himself. It creates a mixture of sadness and anger, that I just want to shake him and say WTH ?!?!?  It makes me monkey brain about what H has told his family. That he's spouting off to friends etc. I know in my heart of hearts that doesn't matter. I know that I have treated him with grace from the very beginning. That his family has no idea of the crap he has pulled,nor do his friends. He has never had to endure or hear about the hell that he put me through that plays on loop in my mind at a moments notice. That somehow this whole MLC deal is normal, when the way it all went down, the posing, the lies, the bullying, the bull$h!te, the threats and shenanigans are so far from normal. That he ripped that rug right out from underneath me and stomped on everything we had built together with stupid Fred Flintstones feet (He really did have Flintstone feet  :D)I'm just trying to remind myself that God has a plan. He has a plan...He really DOES have a plan and it's not up to me (but I have entertained a few fantasies as to what would happen if it was  ::)).

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
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M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
#62: December 11, 2019, 02:55:49 PM
Oh Fear Not, I hear you! I'm feeling just like you right now! And those OW, it's bad enough our Hs are crappy useless pathetic men right now, but then these OW butt in and think they can dictate how our lives should end up after all the years we lived with their married boyfriends! Stop me! I could lose my composure!
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
#63: December 11, 2019, 03:06:04 PM
FN...you know this I know, but I want to affirm how wise, how Sane and how self disciplined you were to not reply to him.
But omg, I remember that boiling sense of frustration and the silent scream feeling that felt it had nowhere to go. I wrote some doozies of unsent emails lol...but that unspoken rage is very wearing. I trained myself to see it as an investment in me, a gift to me, every time I refused to be baited. And I used to keep telling myself He does not care what you think and File under F for Futile  ;)....but I did some stomping walks and had some very angry dreams  :)

You did well, my friend.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
#64: December 12, 2019, 12:55:22 AM


One Hundred Points for FN and Gryffindor for an amazing exercise of self-restraint!
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
#65: December 12, 2019, 08:05:17 AM
You do deserve Ursa's gold star and you should wear it proudly for not responding at all.

But I get the frustration - in my opinion it is because we knew these men before and how different they were and it is just mindblowing how they turn into everything they claimed they hated and from there i go monkeybraining that maybe it was all a show - but how could they pull off being somebody else for 20 years - and from there I go into maybe our whole R was a show and this is the real him. It does boggle once mind and kudos for you for once again handling it with such grace.

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Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
#66: December 12, 2019, 02:00:21 PM
Milly- Thank you for your support. I am sorry that you too are having to experience this! Bug Hugs!!

Treasur- Thank you for your kind words. Being that I am not one for confrontation, I think that aids me in keeping my words to myself. Not always a healthy thing but in this instance beneficial. You're right, it is wearing!! I was completely exhausted yesterday. Now that things have settled down and I don't live in the constant state of waiting for the next shoe, I definitely noticed how it sucked the life out of me. I like the F for Futile, that sums it up beautifully and I can visualize those emails going right in there. Seems like there's a chance that I might require a bigger folder. Lol. Ps. Love your new kitty! Very pretty!

UM- Thanks for the star! I'll take it, been awhile since I got one of those!

S66- It IS mind boggling and extremely frustrating (another F word lol). I think we all question whether they were the people we initially knew. There are definitely  things that I now realize I choose to overlook, avoid,  or ignore but what I see now is certainly not the same man. One day this grace might run out... then I would suggest he best start running!! Lol

Thoughts...
One of the things I had a really tough time getting a grasp on since the exchange was how mean H can be. That was so far from his personality before. He just wasn't a mean, vindictive individual. In the last 2 years he seems to have developed some mad skills in this department. It just causes me to shake my head and wonder if it's just for me, or if others get to experience this lovely new trait. I guess it doesn't really matter in the big picture. It doesn't affect me if he is cruel to others. It's just sad that it seems as though that's who he might be for now.

In other news..
Bombed at the craft sale. Didn't sell a darn thing. Now I am trying to unload a few wreaths before Christmas because I really don't have room for them.
 
Tomorrow is our staff lunch. It's usually pretty awkward. The bonus is my old office roomie is coming for a sleep over so we can catch up on what's been happening since we no longer get to spend 8 hours a day together. Got a lot of talking to do!! Lol.

I also have a book bag that I am going to bling up and add some applique to for my mom's gift and I need to finish the John Deere wreath that I am building for my step dad's door in his new home.

And I need to choose a new book to read. Just finished "Girl, Wash you Face" and I really enjoyed it.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
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M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
#67: December 12, 2019, 03:58:46 PM
Fear, I'm sorry the crafts fair didn't go well, but don't give up. One failure is not a sign that you are not good at what you're doing. It could be that the fair was not the right one, or that fairs are not the correct outlet.

I hope that the office party ends up being a great time because of your old office roomie. xxx
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
#68: December 12, 2019, 06:37:02 PM

Thoughts...
One of the things I had a really tough time getting a grasp on since the exchange was how mean H can be. That was so far from his personality before. He just wasn't a mean, vindictive individual. In the last 2 years he seems to have developed some mad skills in this department. It just causes me to shake my head and wonder if it's just for me, or if others get to experience this lovely new trait. I guess it doesn't really matter in the big picture. It doesn't affect me if he is cruel to others. It's just sad that it seems as though that's who he might be for now.


Yes, I've said many times that I don't seem to know this new 2.0 version of a guy I've known since we were teenagers. 

Hang in there FN.  You still have some hurdles to clear.  You have mentioned that Christmas is a difficult time for you.  Take care of you. 

I hope you have a great time catching up with your former work buddy. 

Golf is just around the corner (well, probs lots and lots of corners but I do believe we will get there!). 
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BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
#69: December 13, 2019, 01:39:38 AM
Yes, FN, it is a bit like hitting your own head against a wall isn't it?
You don't notice the strain of adapting to it all until you stop.
I remember last year realising that my xh could not do anything new to hurt me, he had done it all already. Only the thoughts in my head about him could hurt me.

Like you, my xh's spitefulness was perhaps the biggest shock to me of all of this. I am lucky that most of his spite was passive or routed through ow....but it was relentless for almost two years. I often thought that he was behaving as if I had been the one to betray and leave him; it was very peculiar. And no amount of logic or calmness in my response made any difference to it all. And it went on long past the point where it made sense for a normal divorce, long past the point when he had what he wanted, long past the point when I was asking anything from him and I was pretty absent from his day to day life. And very different from the man i had known for 20 years. It was very strange. I think that sense of a kind of strange boiling rage and vindictiveness was what brought me here looking for an explanation. But with time, it also became more and more obvious to me that whatever the cause was did not come from me - if it had my responses would have influenced it with time - and that this is not how happy people who have found their new perfect life behave.

Mad skills as you say lol. And bc we liked who they were so much, it is sad from our POV. My best guess about it is that it is fuelled by a deep sense of feeling out of control and a kind of victimhood that tells you that you can only be ok if others are not. Rage and mean feels more powerful perhaps and it seems to take a long time for that feeling to burn out of some people. I imagine for most though it must if only bc living that way must be exhausting. I had no idea what kind of person he had become or what I had become in his head that he thought our history and me as a human being deserved that kind of spite and meanness....but it was obviously his new normal.

It is easy to assume that we are the only object of it. Maybe that is true for a while when they keep us centre stage as the cause of their unhappiness. Maybe why the divorce process seems to make it worse for a while. Maybe they can keep us alive in their head as that for a while long after we are absent from their lives. But eventually I susoect the feelings come out in other places too. Anecdotally that seems to be true. Makes sense really...if you feel those kind of feelings I doubt you wake up one morning and they are magically gone. But as you say too, it is good to reach a point when it can no longer affect us. But I found swallowing the reality of the kind of person my h self evidently had become was hard and painful and sad. Not what I would wish for anyone and certainly not for him.
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« Last Edit: December 13, 2019, 01:43:59 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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