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Author Topic: My Story The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot

s
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I have finally come to the conclusion that I do not have to sacrifice my well being whether financial, emotional, socially etc for him. It won't make the MLC shorter, it won't bring him back and honestly I don't think it pushes him any further away because he has pretty much vanished. Am I being crazy? I feel a little crazy. It feels mean to counter back. I have tried so hard to approach this with as much grace as possible, but when I stand up for myself for these things, it makes me feel like I am being that "woman who is taking him for everything he's got". Which is his words ringing in my ears from last year, and I know it's not true. That's not what this is at all. It all just feels so crappy.


FN - I hear you.  In fact, there are probably many here that felt just like you're feeling right now.  I started out feeling that way but it didn't take long for me to re-think things, especially after I landed here. 

I needed to make sure that I was getting my share of what I put into this relationship (and that was much more in dollar form than he had!). It became pretty clear, pretty early, that my MLCer wasn't going to look out for me or my interests.  Well, okay then....I'm an educated grown woman and I needed to pull it together and look out for me! 

I think you'll know what is fair and what is greed.  Do what needs to be done for you to get what you are rightly entitled to.  Keep us posted. 

How's the golfing?  I haven't even taken my clubs out yet!   :(
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BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

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Fear, try to stay calm.  I know this is truly upsetting but remember his lawyer is only trying to get the best deal for is client.  Yours will do the same.  Just wait until you talk to him/her.

My H's lawyer did the same thing to me.  The offer was ridiculous.

Big Hug Hon!
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

F
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Father5- Thank you for your advice! Sorry that you have ended up here with the rest of us.

SB- Thanks for reiterating what I needed to hear! I do know what is fair and H does not have my interests in mind! Get those clubs out girl!!! I got rained out on Sunday and I was on fire, if I do say so myself!!lol. Supposed to be playing 9 tonight, forecast is rain. Hopefully it passes. Another tee time on Saturday, forecast, more rain  >:(. I think I should just wear my swim suit, get a rain glove and go for it...unless of course there is lightening!

Thunder- I really should've expected ridiculous all things considered! Lol. That does seem to be the common thing around here!!

I think I'm getting my head wrapped around this.

I spent sometime going over the affidavit and have my questions and responses ready for my conversation with the L tomorrow morning. I am feeling better about it. I know in my heart of hearts I am not being vindictive or greedy (thanks for reminding me SB that I do have a conscious and I do know right from wrong) and that it's ok for me to ask for what I am entitled to. I can't let his words of me "ruining his life/taking him for everything he has" have any bearing on what needs to be done. Those words are not who I am and regardless of what I do or don't do, there is a good chance H will think that anyway. I can't control what H thinks, does or says, but I know who I am and how I have treated him during our relationship, marriage and this last year and a half and it has been with grace and kindness. I have nothing to regret, and I am not going to regret not standing up for myself because of the fear of what H is saying. The more I thought about it the more I realized that under all of it the root was fear. Fear that he might think differently of me, that he wouldn't love me. The fact of the matter is, he doesn't know me anymore, I don't know him and whether he loves me or not, now or later, has no bearing on this. This is business (like Seahorse says in her thread)

I allowed the response to steal my peace but I don't have to have it that way. My peace comes from God and within myself. Not from H and the L's and the dealings working out. Is there still some melt downs ahead...yup pretty sure there might be, but this crap, this response they sent, doesn't define what our R was, it doesn't define me, it doesn't discredit what was. Whether H thinks it's 6 years, 2 years, 20 years, whatever. I KNOW. I know how long we were together. I know our history and this is just another moment where he is rewriting it. I guess in some ways I should feel blessed that I managed to get 5 years more out of the R than he did. lol. There's a lot of great memories throughout that time. I get to have all 11 years. He's only got 6!! Tee hee hee!!

I'm not saying it doesn't hurt, and that there isn't going to be WTH moments, hours, or days throughout this process, but I am going to do my very best to honestly treat it as business. I think maybe it was Acorn who said something about putting your R and H in a box up on the shelf... I'm gonna try pack that up, and do just that. I think I have just enough room in my spare room closet for it.  :)

Hugs N Prayers.
FN
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M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

F
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So it's been awhile and I've got a bit of rambling to do. Just coming here to spew my stuff, since it seems like my best option. It served me well for a long time so I figured I might as well try get this stuff outta my head and heart.

I've been in the new place for awhile and it's taking a little more adjusting than anticipating. Initially it was good, I was good. I was able to decorate and organize they way I want it, make it all mine. Telling myself and those around me how grateful I was to be there , that I have a roof over my head, it's decent place, all works out the way it should, and yet within, I had never felt less grateful, sad and longing for life I once had. I had my golf happening and work was in full swing. I was busy, busy, busy and then it stopped. My ladies golf network wrapped up, worked slowed down, some big changes at work announced, friendships fading/changing/ending and the silence came. And now... I don't know. I'm struggling.

I've spent the last month my own head space, trying to look within, and realizing that my issues seem to run a little deeper and wider than I really ever knew. Forget about H outrunning his FOO issues, turns out I've had my sneakers on for awhile. I have managed to keep myself very occupied with golf, crafts,friend drama, trying to make new friends, working harder, mirror work, galing and generally anything that would take my attention from what I really had going on inside. When everything came to a halt... and I have no craft room/tee time/piles of work to run to I came across a lot of time on my hands and  some very uncomfortable feelings creeping in. I also ended up having ample time to look at how/why I was relating to some of the different relationships from  family, friends, acquaintances in my life and was in need of making some changes. I finally think the time has come to stop, be still, face this crap and find some healing. It's been almost a year since the book on Co Dependency made a debut in my life. Almost a year since I became aware of how this related to me and almost a year of continuing the vicious cycle (albeit with some changes  :)).

More later

Hugs N Prayers
FN

Hugs

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M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

F
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Boundaries aren't my strong point. I've been working on that for awhile now and it really is a work in progress, filled with a lot of frustration. I have realized in the last little while that I don't really want to set boundaries with people, because then when they cross them, I would have to address it. If I address it and they don't like it, there is the chance that they will walk away and well...abandonment. I have a hard time dealing with that or not dealing, truth be told. If someone told me prior to the last couple months that I had abandonment issues, I would've disagreed. Said that I dealt with my childhood crap and I'm all good. Today, there's things creeping out of the past that I had never really allowed myself to really think about, let alone feel.

I recently had a friendship end and it sent me reeling and down the path to try figure out the whys and what my role really was. I finally had the courage to enforce a boundary and the friendship came to crashing halt. The negative- I've lost a friend. The positive- I made a big step in upholding a boundary that meant something to me for once, it's caused me to do a lot of soul searching, and has made me aware that I have some underlying issues that I need to get a reign on.

I read the co dependency book last year and I totally related to it.  I think somehow I thought by just reading it, it would somehow resolve the issues within me by osmosis  :-\. I am a fixer and caregiver  but didn't really get that it was what I identified with, found my self worth in and in a lot of ways how I controlled things and people. But I do. I really do and it sucks to realize it. It was how I made myself feel worthy, validated and less insecure about the possibility of someone walking away. If I do enough, if I do it to perfection, if I take it all on, leave them wanting for nothing, they are going to NEED me, because I am indispensable. They couldn't possibly walk away, when I do so much for them, right? Ya they can, they do, they will, H did and others before him. It's pretty skewed thinking that I can control my world in that way. I am finally grasping that this doesn't work and trying  to get to a place where this doesn't happen. Where I don't chose or draw the people that are great projects to be fixed/helped and I can do so much for them and they'll see how great I really am.(shaking my own head)That's not where my worth/value or identity is and damn it's exhausting. I know it starts with dealing with my brokenness and using this quiet time to really reflect on that, instead of being distracted by doing for the sake of avoiding. I think this is probably where the saying "you can't outrun your past" might come in to play.
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M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

M
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Fear, how you described yourself is exactly how I think I was, too: "If I do enough, if I do it to perfection, if I take it all on, leave them wanting for nothing, they are going to NEED me, because I am indispensable. They couldn't possibly walk away, when I do so much for them, right?" This is how I thought for so many years, and probably as a child, too.

Just like you, I now realized that it got me nothing. As much I like to look after my loved ones and have them want for nothing, I'm not doing it as much any more. The lack of appreciation has finally got through to me. But it's not that simple.

This: "I am a fixer and caregiver  but didn't really get that it was what I identified with, found my self worth in and in a lot of ways how I controlled things and people."

I thought I was doing it for my family, but I was doing it to feel good about myself. I realize now that they didn't ask me to do everything, I took it upon myself, then begrudged them for not being grateful or for not doing like me.

Great lesson Fear. Thanks for pointing this out to me with your candor.   
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

F
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Milly- It's a tough realization to come to and I too have been doing this since childhood, unasked, but begrudgingly as well. This journey is a not an easy one and there is a lot to learn at every twist and turn. Big hugs!!

One of the questions that I came across in the last little while, while reading about childhood issues was " Did you ever feel like you weren't trusted as a child?" I had never really thought about that much until I read that question. When I started journaling, I realized that there was one very significant incidence at 16 where I wasn't trusted and it had a major impact for me over the years. At 16 I had been dating a fellow for 6 months, went to the Dr. on my own, to find out about birth control. Nothing had happened at this point, but I wanted to be smart about it. I didn't take my health care number with me and they sent a bill to my home address for the visit. My mom opened it (initial breaking of trust), freaked out, made a bunch of assumptions and ultimatums. I tried to tell her otherwise, she wouldn't believe me. The end result I moved out at 16.5 yrs of age, in with my boyfriend, and lived with him for a number of months before I ever took that step. That's probably oversharing.... ???

 That move affected a lot of things in my life and there were a lot of consequences. I had to work very hard to graduate, pay rent and endured ridicule at school for living with my boyfriend and his cousin, a place I didn't fit in initially and certainly not after that. (There's a lot I gained from it as well, I've always had a great work ethic, been able to support myself etc.) But I had never really allowed myself to consider the negative effects of that. How it really affected me that my mom just would not believe me. That I was trying to live according to the morals/values that I was brought up with but still try to be a smart, responsible 16 year old, because you aren't always as strong as you think. I thought I was ( and I was) doing the right thing by being prepared, informed, taking initiative not to be unsafe,prevent teenage pregnancy if I decided on a different choice down the road. In my mom's mind I was already guilty. That 16 yr old girl still hurts from this. When it comes to trusting myself and others, I think this has some answers as to why I don't think I make good decisions for myself.

 I think I have 2 choices here. Have a conversation with my mom, let her know she was wrong about me, maybe she will believe it, maybe not, but I'd get to say my piece OR truly let it go, forgive her and myself (which I think is a big part of it) and move forward. I'm not sure what avenue to take here, but I know I do have to make a choice.

I have never given myself credit for making an informed decision at 16 and sticking with it for long time. It wasn't a bad decision. It was a smart decision given I grew up in a household where you sure as heck did not discuss those things and here I am at 47, still kid less (by choice). Guess I at least got that part down pat!! ;)

These days, I still feel like I don't trust myself in making good decisions regarding my personal life. I realize there is more to work through now, dealing with H's betrayal, but it's time to deal with some of this residual stuff that's been there in the back of my head. That 16 year old girl was pretty awesome and smart and deserves some credit and so does the 47 yr old. It's just working through the crap to get there.

My faith is a big part of my life, but even in that, I am realizing I have a lot of work to do, especially in the area of trust and worthiness (mine). Good thing He's patient and understanding cuz He's got a bit of a project on his hands here.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
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M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

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Fear,

I think that would be a big step in your healing to discuss this with your mother.  It may be something she needs to talk about too.
Having your daughter move out at such a young age had to have had a big impact on her.

Sounds like you have been doing a lot of inner work on yourself.
I think this happens to a lot of us when we go through something like this, and it changes us...sometimes dramatically, sometimes in just small ways, but they are good changes.

Hugs
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

F
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Thunder-That's a great point!! I have never really thought about the impact it had on her (now who's the self centered one  :o Yikes!). Thank you for bringing that up. She was just newly married to my step dad at that time as well. There is probably a very interesting conversation to be had, and it will probably be nothing like what I anticipate in my head.

So while googling all sorts of things about dealing with your past/healing/ moving on/self reflection and instant pot recipes, I came across some really interesting questions. I decided to write them out and journal my answers (they are in my real journals that my BFF has been tasked with burning should I leave this world) and they really made me think about things. Some of the questions I am still working on. A glimpse of the reflections will/are shared here, and a lot of it is just a little too much to put out there.  But I'm gonna leave them here and maybe there will be value in them for someone else. The one thing I know, is that even a few months ago... I wasn't ready to answer these. That in itself lets me know I am heading in the right direction.

Did you lie to yourself about what was happening in your relationship?
Did you lie to yourself about any relationships in your life?
Did you ignore what emotions were screaming at you and chose to tell an acceptable story?
Did you grow up in a family where members had lied, family secrets prevailed or false appearances were created?
Have you ever felt guilt or taken blame in your life previously? (LBS might need a few pages for the MLC'er accusations here  ;))
Have you ever been very fearful about what people think of you?
What truly is the way you think about yourself, your own rights and worthiness?
What are your levels of self talk? Are they loving or condemning?
Did you grow up in a family where you were not trusted and even blamed for what went wrong?
Do you have a relationship with yourself?
Do you really love and cherish yourself?
Do you really commit to yourself, meaning self care and self emotional support?
Was your family one which did not include regular displays of love and affection and did not nurture within you the deep feelings that you were loved?

Hugs N Prayers,
FN



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M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

S
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Fear - I could hug you right now - not because of any deep wisdom you shared but because I finally found you again - I thought you had dropped off while all along it was I who somehow missed the connection to a new thread and missed all the moving and selling the house and I am so, so sorry that I wasn't there to support you but I see many of the other more diligent peeps here were right there for you. I feel terrible for missing all of it. Please forgive me.

Anyhow.....I am all caught up now and wow - what a few months you have had. This journey sure isn't for the weak hearted, is it ? But as always you show such strength and courage and are always a wonderful inspiration to me.

And excuse me, if I chuckle just a wee bit......and I only chuckle because I have been right there....thinking that we have dealt with our own childhood issues and then out of nowhere BAM there they are because we really didn't deal with them at all. At least I didn't....I thought I was all done and cool with my father leaving us and mother becoming a raging alcoholic and that I was a fine upstanding citizen now.....it only took my H MLC to show me just how not dealt I was with all those issues.

And who would have ever thought Co-Dependency was the word....not me - since I clearly didn't think I had an issue.....and then I read Melodie Beattie's books about Co-Dependents and they all showed me that yes, I had an issue and was repeating patterns from child hood to 'earn' being loved by being perfect and compliant.

And that is the main thing I still struggle with. Finding my own worth.
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Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

 

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