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Author Topic: My Story The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot

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My Story Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
#70: December 16, 2019, 04:58:19 AM
Hi FN!  I finally caught up with your thread and I just wanted to say I think you are doing great.  You inspire me!  There is so much wisdom here from everyone, it was like a balm to my heart to read it all.  Re: divorce and negotiations, I can say that I am truly grateful that I went for everything that my lawyer thought I could get.  Your present self has to protect your future self and she will be grateful!  It's very hard not to react.  They are coming from a place of fear and self-loathing, but that is not your problem.  You handled it all perfectly, but I know emotionally it's so hard.  And since you mentioned co-dependence and Melodie Beattie, I love my daily reader by her "The Language of Letting Go".  Lots of love and light to you and everyone here! xoxox
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Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Divorced as of January 2019
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 59
OW? I don't know - probably plural

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
#71: December 22, 2019, 12:52:14 PM
Treasur- Thank you, said it all so well! He does act like I betrayed him. So weird! I can only imagine what H is feeling as I am not privy to that but I agree that the responses are fueled by different aspects of life/emotions for him and it's not how a happy person would respond. I can see a very heavy influence of OW in his responses and I find that hugely frustrating because I have no want of communicating with her, but should I respond, that is exactly what I'd be doing. Yet another reason to down another STFU smoothie. Hugs and give Grace a pet for me!!

FW- Thank you for your kind words and support!
  Re: divorce and negotiations, I can say that I am truly grateful that I went for everything that my lawyer thought I could get.  Your present self has to protect your future self and she will be grateful! 
I needed to hear this, because quite often my present self says to just give in and walk away, which I know is not what I need to do, but would end having to endure this crap.
I'll have to check out "The Language of Letting Go". Her book was one that had a huge influence on me and was a real eye opener. I feel like that was the kickstarter to me starting to dig myself out of this and be able to realize what I needed to change in me!!

Ramblings...
Today is my birthday (which I tend to gloss over and not really acknowledge). I am sitting here thinking about how 2 years ago on this day and H and I were headed to my mom's to spend it there as well as do our Christmas thing. There was much discussion as to where we wanted to go for supper because we needed to accommodate H and his picky 10 year old palate. I distinctly recall my mom saying that we could go to the casino because H loves casinos and he'd definitely find something on the menu and he would be able to gamble a little (she has apologized many times for this and all the other times it became about H). I remember being really hurt and angry that it was all about H's preference , but on the other hand I was thinking, I am the one that isn't really into celebrating, I'm not willing to say anything so I really shouldn't feel this way. (I've  had some growth in this area lol). The days that followed were worse.Two days later, Christmas Eve Day morning I found the text messages from the OW while still at my moms.

When I reflect on that I know that even in that moment God's hand was in this. I never checked H's phone. Never felt the need or want. I trusted him implicitly. That morning while H was showering, I couldn't get it out of my head. So I checked. Sometimes I think I wish I never had. That maybe this wouldn't have spiraled into what it is now, but in my heart I know it's not true. I walked into the bathroom with his phone and asked who the firetruck is OW? I was met with lies and denial. We're just friends... blah blah blah...In hindsight I realize I didn't even take the time to read all the messages. I read enough to know and stopped (another blessing). I told him to get dressed and packed, we're having breakfast and then leaving to head to his parents.

I went upstairs, pulled my mom into her room and told her what I had just found. A couple tears were shed, told me she understood, she'd been through it with my dad and she said a quick prayer (more blessings) I asked her to treat him as she always had at breakfast and I would call her once I was at home. ( In hindsight I realize now the pressure I put on her and how amazing she was and still is). We had breakfast, said goodbye to my mom and uncle, hugs all around and left. Got in the car, told him to drive me home, I wasn't going to Christmas at his parents. His concern was that "what will I tell them?". I told him he would be telling them the truth. He said he was going to tell them I wasn't feeling well. I called bull$h!te on that, said you tell them or I will. There weren't any tears, there were a few harsh words during the half hour drive that felt like a freaking life time. In the big picture he did not get much of a tongue lashing. Just some well placed truth darts that bounced of his MLC  vest of armor I'm sure.Got home, took the suitcase out of the car, removed my things, repacked it, took it downstairs and set it by the door and said "you better go". I have no idea what he was doing while I did this. H walked out and my world shattered. H walked back in maybe 5 mins later to a crumpled, bawling mess on the floor and wanted to know what he could do to "fix" this because he could hear me crying when he was in the garage. I told him you don't get to fix this, you firetrucking broke it. Now leave. He left. I had no idea he would never live in our home again.

When I think about this I can see that God has been zipping my lips from the very beginning, given me the ability to treat H with grace that was not my own, whether I thought he deserved it or not. He picked me up off the floor not my H, He led me to HS within a couple days to find love and support, put people in my path when I really needed them, filled my life with blessings and has led me every step of the way and still is.

Now the funny part where I know God has a sense of humor!! I usually dread any news of H. I try to not know what he's got going on because generally it's hurtful but this report not so much.  H has been sent to Pakistan by himself for work(my cousin told me) and is there now through Christmas. For once OW is not travelling with him. H is not someone who is open to trying any kind of ethnic food (jerk chicken excluded), and actually would gag at the smells encountered in our neighborhood sometimes. I couldn't even let him see me put cumin/oregano/thyme/ in anything or he'd freak out. (I put it in all the time when he wasn't looking ::)) When we would travel food was always a concern and that was only Cuba, Dominican, Jamaica etc. He always stated he would never go to Asia because of the weird food and didn't want to live on rice. The idea of his child like palate having to deal with this journey, during this season (H loves Turkey and gravy) gives me great joy!! I literally laughed out loud. It also makes me wonder about him being alone at Christmas in a foreign country by himself and how that will be for him. Maybe I should send an email to negotiate on Christmas day, all in the spirit of Christmas ya know?!?! Just kidding.  His company has never worked over Christmas let alone internationally, so kinda strange. It's taking him away from his family, the OW, and placing him in a country that will challenge him due to his tastes and is well outside his comfort zone. It does make me curious as to why this has happened, but chances are I will never know.

So this year there is definitely some sadness and a variety of other emotions, but I also to see the blessings in reflecting on this day and the days that are coming. I've grown, stood my ground, and I can use whatever spices I want today and any day going forward! I'll toast myself with my glass of vitamin P (prosecco) and perhaps have an extra dose, and let this day be what it is. My day.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN


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M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
#72: December 22, 2019, 09:38:06 PM
Meant FIMG not FW. Sorry I couldn't figure out how to edit it!
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M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
#73: December 22, 2019, 11:37:03 PM
Happy birthday, FN xxx
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
#74: December 23, 2019, 04:32:23 AM
Belated Happy Birthday Fear!

Interesting to see you lay out the time line since your birthday 2 years ago and where you and your H are today. You were thrown to rock bottom that Christmas Eve 2 years ago, your H is sounding like he's going downhill a bit himself now.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
#75: December 23, 2019, 05:30:56 AM
Happy Birthday, Fear!

{{Warm Hug}}
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
#76: December 23, 2019, 03:45:06 PM
FN - I hope you had a tremendous birthday yesterday!
You've been through so much and shown so much grace through this.

Enjoy and celebrate YOU!
You deserve it.

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
#77: December 24, 2019, 08:31:51 AM
Thank you for the birthday wishes!!

Well the season got a little more interesting. Long back story here, but I'll try to sum it up as much as I can.

Back story...in 2000 I had a girl contact me that said we probably had the same dad. My dad passed away 25 years come January. Needless to say I hung up on her but kept her number from caller ID (old school technology lol) I called her back 6 months later, we met, and have a great Big Sis, little sis relationship. I am so grateful she came into my life. Unfortunately it wreaked havoc in my dads family and my life. My full sister, step mom and some aunts and I have been estranged since. My mom confirmed the timeline and had no doubt in her mind that she was my sister. My Full Sister (FS) and my Half Sister (HS) are 6 months apart. There's a lot more that happened for the perfect storm... lies, secrets, deceit, a dad/husband who had passed away and couldn't answer any questions, anger, all the good things you need to build a 20 year estrangement. About 12 years ago my HS and I had a DNA party. I ordered a kit online, she flew out, brought my niece, my mom came  (she is truly the most awesome person) and met her and we did the swabs. Not for us, but to try and get the rest of the family to finally believe that it wasn't a bunch of BS. Guess what... DNA doesn't lie.

Anyways since then HS has met our dads family at a reunion. My FS was, well there's not even really words that I can put on her that describe her poor behavior towards our HS. My stepmom always believed that my dad was a faithful guy (she got sit at dinner with the proof that he wasn't). My step mom and I were very close after my dad passed but when this happened she refused to believe that he was that guy. It caused a rift. I have briefly seen her a couple times in the last 20 years.Once was last year and we sorta chatted about getting together. It was something that was on my mind but I honestly didn't really know how to go about it and I was afraid.

Here's the good part  :D. Last night my step mom called me. She has a letter that is for MY mom  :o, that is from one of my Uncle's. It came care of her to her address?!?! Last time they had sent it to my mom directly but she has since moved. She wanted to know what to do with it. My first reaction was I'll come see you and get it. She was really surprised and wanted to know if I was sure I wanted that. I told her absolutely. I think this was supposed to happen this way (since why would you send the letter to the second wife). She agreed and said that she thought that too. We chatted for a bit. Had a good conversation, agreed it's time to move forward on a positive note. So I am heading there in the next few days.

Fun fact,  I introduced her to one of my friends that I didn't want to date. She married him. It's been 17 years. Hindsight makes me think I might've chose the wrong guy. Lol.

So, I have to say I feel pretty good about this. It's been a long time and I have missed her. I know it's not going to be what it was, there's trust issues, but we can have some form of a relationship instead of the animosity. I kinda feel like it's my own little Christmas Miracle. Just wanted to share the good  :)

Merry Christmas all my Hero Spouse Peeps! I hope you have a very blessed Christmas. I know it's not easy for so many of us! Keeping you in prayers and of course some hugs!

FN
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M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

S
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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
#78: December 25, 2019, 09:13:36 PM
Happy belated birthday Fear and it seems crazy that it’s “only” been 2 years for you. You seem so much further and filled with such grace and faith.
I am happy that your stepmom called and that you had a chat.
I found since BD I am way more forgiving and have much more empathy and appreciate how important human connection is to our spirit.
Merry Christmas and keep going strong
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Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
#79: December 29, 2019, 08:11:30 AM
Schratz, I couldn't agree more: " I found since BD I am way more forgiving and have much more empathy and appreciate how important human connection is to our spirit."

FN, I hope your Christmas went well!

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Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Divorced as of January 2019
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 59
OW? I don't know - probably plural

 

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