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Author Topic: My Story The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot

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My Story Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
#80: December 29, 2019, 09:34:39 AM
Hello and a Belated Happy Birthday to you!

Two years, and so  many emotions, experiences, and a new life to manage after Bomb Drop. Just a couple of things to note that I have been pondering for the past few days.

Law Professor actually stated what I have been thinking. Many of us on the site are conflict avoiding personalities. I tend to be very mellow until I feel I am backed up into a corner then I come out swinging. Until that point, I am very solid and overall very mellow, just a tad ADHD.

Is part of our mirror work that we need to call out behaviors and stick up for ourselves more often? I was reading how much you gave into your H meeting all of his wants and wishes. I did the same. She lead her life as she pleased. Never consulted or spoke to me about anything she did. Because I didn't draw a line in the beginning, did I allow her behaviors to have a snowball effect until they just rolled over me?

I need to read more on conflict avoidance and how it negatively impacts a relationship.

The second point was how you realized how mean your H has become. I saw the same exact thing with my wife. After bomb drop and the years that followed, she was vindictive and at times downright cruel. As you stated, it was as if I was the one that had the affair. I did nothing right and despite the space and more avoidance, I just feel deeper and deeper in the hole.

It was over nine years after bomb drop that my ex called me and apologized for her behavior and actions. During the apology she said something that has stack with me. "I don't know. I just felt so angry about everything for years and years."

Depression can also be expressed through anger. Maybe your H is acting out against you not from a place of righteousness, but from a place of depression. After all, it is hard to find yourself in hell and somehow it's all your fault.

My advice it to continue to work on you and become a stronger and better person. To learn to live and love without him. You can learn to set boundaries not just for him, but for all your relationships. To hold hard and fast to your moral compass and that you control and set the course for your life.

Hugs to you and have a great new year,

((((Ready))))
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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
#81: December 29, 2019, 12:12:54 PM
Hope you had a nice Christmas, FN.   

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BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

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Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
#82: December 29, 2019, 03:36:10 PM
Ready, I loved your post. It hit a nerve with me, touched one of my vulnerable spots. What you said has really made me think.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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FIMG and S66- I 100% agree that I have become more empathetic as well as forgiving after dealing with all this, all for the greater good. I always had very black and white ideals when it came to affairs, what I would do, blah blah blah and shared them very easily. Since being put in a place where I actually had to encounter this myself, there's a lot of grey in there. I didn't do what I preached and it made me sing a very different tune and I am very grateful for that and thankfully it has ran into other parts of my life and ideals as well.

Ready- Thank you for your post, support and hugs. A lot of food for thought in that, and I relate to so much of it. When I learned about codependency, I also found out that I was definitely an avoidant for conflict and of course had no boundaries. I have been and still have a lot of work to do in that area but I am making progress. I do think it's a very important part of mirror work for us!!

I need to read more on conflict avoidance and how it negatively impacts a relationship.
((((Ready))))
I always thought I was doing our R a favor by not engaging and I have learned that it certainly does more damage than good. That was/is hard to face when I feel like I am so hard programmed to do this. I have to really force myself to stick up for myself, and communicate my thoughts/feelings instead of just "keeping the peace" for everybody.

Depression can also be expressed through anger. Maybe your H is acting out against you not from a place of righteousness, but from a place of depression. After all, it is hard to find yourself in hell and somehow it's all your fault.
((((Ready))))
This is a really good point regarding anger and initially I was aware of this, but over the course of the couple years, I kinda quit seeing that way. I got caught in the life that H presents, and we can all make that look good. There have been ongoing depression issues in his family members for years, and H is somebody who has stated that he "doesn't believe in depression and meds etc for it". He has also expressed numerous times that he was the failure of the family even though he was the one who had never ended up clinically depressed  :o. Thank you for the reminder as to where this anger may really be coming from.

Update/Ramblings

I made it through Christmas and New Years. It was pleasant and different? I think that might be the best way to say it but I am glad it's over. My step dad was pretty happy on Christmas Day that we were there, so that was totally worth it.

I went and saw my step mom on Boxing Day. I ended up spending the entire afternoon with her, her husband ( I don't know what to call him here, cuz he's not my step dad, or my dad lol) and my youngest brother. It was really good actually. Nothing really got discussed about the situation until the last hour and I was ok with that (there's that avoid conflict thing lol). My step mom made a comment about how all of the situation was blamed on her and my dad. Ummmmm what? Of course my dad was blamed, he got another woman pregnant while he was with my mom. If it wasn't his fault then who the hecks was it?!?! I just said that I didn't feel that it was any of her fault or really had anything to do with her at all. It had everything to do with my dad's actions and he is no longer here to answer the questions or face the fire, which really sucks. The other person that it truly affects is my HS, and she has been blamed by many in this family for contacting me, wanting money, wrong intentions etc which is not true and that this is no fault of hers for wanting to find family. So we need to remember that! The only one who had a choice in this matter was dad, he chose to do what he did, the rest of us... dealing with the repercussions of his actions. It ended there and we have been chatting via text since. I am glad that I stood up for my HS and stated what I did about my dad. I've always allowed my step mom to keep my dad on the pedestal and kept my mouth shut. I'm not doing that anymore. He is who he was, and made the choices that he did. It doesn't make him a bad man, it makes him a man who made some real $h!te choices. Just like my H....

I found out that second BD December 27th is actually OW and H's official anniversary date. I let that throw me for a loop this weekend. I'm still trying to figure out why it bothers me soooo much, but it does. For some reason when I thought it was around New Years Eve that seemed way more rational in my mind. Knowing that it was the last day H was at our home, how agitated he was, the conversation etc it just kinda boggles me mind that it's their official date. That seems really messed up.

Today I received news from the L that our Binding Judicial Dispute Resolution is April 28th. My prayer has been answered that we have received a judge that will do a "binding" JDR.  I am still processing it. I don't know what I really feel about this or about having to see him. The good thing is, it will only be our L's and us. OW will not be able to tag along. I am not really sure how I feel about a real end being in sight.

Just over a week until I leave for my solo Cuba adventure. I have to say, I am starting to look forward to it. I am scared poopless, but I look forward to having a week to sit on a beach, stare at the ocean, listen to my God tunes/podcasts and process some of this. I think the solitude will serve me well.

Happy New Year to you all, and thank you for all your love and support in 2019!!

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
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H 41
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Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

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FN -
Following along.
Quite a holiday you had, indeed.

I am happy that you feel the "end is finally in sight".
It's okay not to be sure how you feel - it's a very emotional and bit step in your marriage.

Your trip to Cuba sounds perfect.
Enjoy your "you" time and basque in the sun, surf and enjoy your podcasts.

Sea
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Have a wonderful trip to Cuba, Fear. Do what you want, when you want, and just enjoy the beauty. I bet you will do great!
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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So jealous of the Cuba trip! Please bring a way to download photos so you donĀ“t run out of space and please post some of the pics here.
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me 51
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BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

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Hi Fear, sounds like you've been doing a bit of sorting out.  That's never a bad thing.

I hope this trip is a good one for you.  Sounds relaxing.
May I ask what made you decide on Cuba?  I guess I never thought about going there.

Enjoy yourself, dear.

{{Big Hug}}
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Thanks Y'all!

Forthetrees- I'm a little inept at technical computery things but I will do my best!

Thunder- Truth be told I didn't want to go to Cuba. It will be 6 yrs ago on Jan 28th that we got married there, and out of all the travelling I've done it was my least favorite. I ended up going there because it fit my budget,it's safe, small resort (wasn't looking to get lost in a mammoth resort), and with direct flights from where I am (which was important to me for my first solo adventure, less stress), So I decided to face my demons, give it another try and booked in a completely different area. Everything happens for a reason, right?!?!

Ramblings
Yesterday was a rough one and today is feeling a little rough as well. I really did not expect to become the basket case that I did from having the JDR booked. I do know that I need to separate myself from H financially and need to follow through on this. I don't like the idea of it being final at all. But is that because I am afraid of being a divorcee, and it makes me question standing and where that leaves me. If/when it happens and I actually end up divorced, will that be the end of my stand? Is that God's will? I realize that D papers don't automatically mean it's done. People get a divorce and then reconcile. Anything can happen.

Somehow this limbo land became comfortable and now thinking that there is an end to that, makes me really uncomfortable. In theory wanting it all to be done is one thing, but when faced with the reality of it actually happening, that there will be no more ties in any way, that chokes me up. It brings instant tears and a whole gamut of emotions that I really wasn't prepared for. I'm just going to have to wade through this and pray for guidance and answers, because yet again, I have no idea how to go about this. I just kinda want to hide under the covers.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
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M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

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Fear,

All good reasons to choose Cuba.  I admire what you're doing.

Just remember those words...."It's ok to be scared."
We all were, but we will walk through this with you.

Hugs
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

 

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