[Anon]

I read so many posts here about the om/ow in the lbs stories.   I've read that something like 97% of MLC's involve an affair.   The other 3%?  Wallowers, perhaps and they don't typically have affairs.   Most of the reconnection and reconciliation situations also involved affairs during the crisis.   

So this is the million dollar question.   Is the affair necessary in order to process their unconscious buried 'stuff', somehow?  HB seems to think it helps and may even be necessary to face whatever is bugging them.   

When hit with these unresolved issues that rise to the surface, there are 2 options:  Either the MLCer deals with their unresolved issues internally, through introspection, brooding or whatever that involves, or they deal with these issues externally, which means through an affair partner who they can reenact and fix whatever caused their deep psychic wounds.   Those who deal with the issues internally are supposedly not in a Midlife Crisis but in the milder Midlife Transition.   No affair,,, at least the family is spared that agony even if things are seriously wrong in the marriage for awhile while they 'introspect' themselves through their transition.   

Those of us here are not so lucky to just be dealing with a spouse in Midlife Transition.   Most are in MLC and from reading the posts here, it's hard not to conclude that the almost inevitable affairs do anything other than hinder progress and slow down their progress.   Especially when they get involved with a Personality Disordered partner that has them in a death grip.  Even so,,, is there a lesson in that experience with a PD partner that helps them process stuff?   Like,,,were they raised by a PD parent so it now makes sense to figure out those issues with a PD partner?   

If the MLCer isn't the introspective type (my h sure isn't), then what is the alternative?   Are affairs inevitable then and back to the original question.... do they help or hinder the progress through the crisis?

[Standing Strong]

Anon,

I think it is a requirement. I can't prove mine has had one yet, but I'm trying to gear up for it and accept it's inevitable. It is.

There are so many dynamics to that...... before this MLC, we had both told each other that cheating would result in D...... period. We both believed it would be impossible. Then this happens.

In some twisted way, it is a benefit......... what strength does it take to forgive such a horrible thing? If God does use these things to make us better, it is a very effective crucible.

It makes me wonder.... all those people out there, that will never experience this...... heck, even know it exists...... are they better off than us.... or worse?

I'm very thankful to God for starting to show me who I am, what my faults are, and how to fix them. What a price to pay. The MLC will pay an even bigger price. What they gain, I have no idea.

-SS
 

[OldPilot]

The higher the energy in replay the faster and hotter the fires of replay burn.
The lower energy may not do as much damage but it takes much much longer for the fire to burn out.

So I think you may be comparing a tornado to a hurricane and asking which one helps or hinders.

Either way there is lots of damage.

[Bewildered survivor]

I think in some ways it can do both or have no impact what so ever...

It could prolong the crisis as the role of OW is as a band aid and distraction from their inner demons.  So the longer OW is involved the longer it takes them to resolve their issues and the longer they stay in replay.  The dynamics of the affair also make a difference.  So a PD OW may either prolong replay with the use of manipulation, emotional blackmail etc or shorten in as it may lead to wanting to escape. 

It can shorten replay if OW is used as a way to process FOO issues.  In my case I dont see OW as similar to MLCer’s parents but what I do see is that he has picked someone who he would never have been allowed to as a teenager and so massive rebellion against his parents and everything he was brought up as. 

Or.....it makes no difference at all to the length of crisis.

The crisis is internal therefore OW or whatever is used as distraction will serve its purpose until what ever internal is fixed.  There are so may factors and variables involved...but ultimately the factors are related to the MLCer not the tool for distraction. 

[Sunandshade]

I really wish I knew. My H will not answer anything, I don’t know what a stupid girl 27 years younger has to offer. Everything about it kills me. I don’t know what it serves.

[Milly]

Sun, think of it as alcohol. It serves the same purpose.

I have a high replaying MLCer with an OW he thought was 20 years younger, so a classic. He's still at it. My friend, however, I've spoken about her before, both her and her H doctors, he had a MLC, wallower, no affair, BDropped them, left the house 1 week later, then left and went to live on the other side of the world for 2 years. Would have been a vanisher if my friend hadn't insisted he phone the boys once a week on the house phone, which she would pick up and say hi first. He had an awakening and came back. Said he doesn't know why he did what he did. So it can happen quickly even with a wallower. Certainly there's less damage to fix if there hasn't been an affair.

I think it's like OP said, turnadoes and hurricanes.

[sachat3]

I don’t really know. But I’m attaching cos I’m interested ha!


With me I don’t believe the affair started until after BD. I have a sneaky feeling I kicked him out and that caused BD just in the nick Of time before an affair could start. Ow only came on the scene weeks after.


In my case I think Ow represents the freedom he craved. When the BD we were a family of 5 very much on the breadline. Ow is a year older than me however she has no responsibilities. No kids. Living with Mummy and daddy blah blah blah. So I think the attraction was “wow she can do what she wants@ type of thing. So she is very much the band aid. However the band aid is also paying for lots of luxuries he wouldn’t have if not for her.

[Savoir Faire]

The affair is necessary.

My xH went searching for the perfect ow and after possibly ?three false starts, he finally found her. She is the same age as he is and very like his mother - controlling & as cold as ice.

This article from HB really says it all.  The MLCer uses the ow/om to fill the gaps in their upbringing.  That's why it's called REPLAY.  Love this article.  Almost makes me like the ow

https://thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org/past-parental-issues-and-the-affair-partner-an-explanation/

[Treasur]

Both probably. And sometimes makes no difference at all to an internal crisis would be my guess.
Landscape, distraction, feel good addiction, enabler, bolt hole, partner in crime, fantasy to run to, justification, mother/father figure...I suspect that ow/om is not much more than a necessary player as Savvy says in the internal drama and probably has as little impact on their progress as we do. If it is MLC, and they do ever recover, I suppose the ow/om changes from these things to something to learn from....like a mirror maybe. Or a good slug of the terrible karma of being careful what you wish for lol. My instinct was that xh's choice to marry ow was just another bit of running in the hope that some other woman would fix him rather than him take responsibility for his own demons, so in his case I suspect it will hinder his progress perhaps....and that his likely second divorce in a few years time will be hideous bc she is not a very healthy person and not me 

As Savvy says, the articles on ow do seem to be surprisingly accurate in my situation anyway.

What they do bring perhaps is more damage to clean up, another set of responsibilities or a messy situation to feel trapped in and unacceptable risk/damage to the LBS or kids if they are the bats$it crazy types of ow/om.

[Nerissa]

I agree it is distraction/ running/fixing a problem.  I suppose the usefulness or otherwise of an affair for the identity crisis is whether enough self awareness occurs at some time for the MLCer to decide to do the psychological work necessary to get over their problems.  Maybe the ow is enough of a sticking plaster for life to continue and feel ok.  Maybe they’ll find another and keep running, repeatingnir making new mistakes.

But in the end, if they do the work or not, they might go on to a new life without us because they have become different people and we no longer fit together.