Author Topic: My Story New chapter.....hope of living, breathing & healing despite never ending MLC  (Read 3769 times)

Offline Bewildered survivorTopic starterTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 536
  • Gender: Female
How appropriate to start a new thread at such a significant stage in my journey. It’s been nearly 22 months since BD- considered early days but...feel like I’ve had years worth of MLC s*^t thrown at me.

We’ve made the move. Back to my home town and back to my parents. But moving back seems to be a massive step towards moving forward.


It’s weird how my last thread started with children’s court hearing and this one starts with yet another court battle. The theme of my story so far seems to be legal court battles. This is the tool MLCer is using. I think he knows he can’t engage me in any other way since I stopped reacting to him and since I have minimal contact- therefore this is the only way he can continue to fuel his justifications. It’s more complex than that and other factors such as wearing a mask and appearing to fight for his kids is just one of them. They say this crisis is not personal but I truly 100% believe in my case it is. That doesn’t mean I believe it’s my fault, that I caused it or that I can change it. I KNOW it’s his crisis and his inner demons but he doesn’t know that yet. He believes it’s 100% my fault and I’m the cause of all his misery. With that comes an intense anger and need to make me suffer and to punish me.

 He is trying to break me. RCR said to me that my H is in a way a clinging boomerang and I really didn’t buy it.  But I can see now that he is absolutely negatively attached to me for now. I think subconsciously he knows if he just let it all go...stops the court stuff, sees his kids (as I always let him), be happy and at peace with OW...he would lose me completely. He doesn’t know it but he needs me for negative conflict for him to live with himself. He also knows I’m done! My move from our home, city and life is a massive line drawn and I can now start living again rather than just existing.

So....back to court we go. It’s only been 5 full days since moving but the feeling of relief is bigger than I ever expected. Despite the stress of 2 court cases coming up, the complete lack of money, starting a new job, issues with getting kids school places, living with my parents with no idea about how I’m going to afford a new home, and generally starting my life again at 40....for now I feel stronger and more positive. I won’t let him break me. I don’t for one second regret leaving. We had a lovely dream home that we worked hard for and a good life but that home became a prison to me and it had no soul left. I often heard echoes of our old life......

I’ve been looking at new homes for me and kids in this area and I’ll prob only be able to afford a cupboard and yes it will be a massive contrast and adjustment for all of us in comparison to our pre BD life. But I’m honestly at the point of not caring. All I can think about is.... it will be mine. I can close the door each night and know my home is no longer used as a tool to hurt me and no longer ties me to H. My kids will learn an important lesson in life...that things can’t be taken for granted and that although their mum struggled she was still able to put a roof over their heads and food on the table. I’m soo proud of them that they have not once said they will miss the materialistic things and their big house with their big garden and playroom. In fact they teach me positivity when they look at these houses by saying at least we will be together, it will be cosy, we can make it girly and mummy you won’t have to share your closet space with anyone...love them!

Not sure how to quote from my last thread but wanted to respond to some comments...

Morte
Thank you for your words. I have battled with the thought of NPD and MLC or both right from the start. Right now he is showing massive signs of narcissism but some MLCer’s do. For me there’s lots of signs for and against NPD and I’ve accepted I may never know or not until crisis is over. I’ve done lots of reading on NPD divorce and prepared myself for court. Its scary!


It’s scary how good I’ve become at keeping evidence, keeping one step ahead and just being on guard 24/7. I’m exhausted and not even sure how I will be if the day comes when I don’t have to be hypervigilant and can actually relax. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself nor do I know if it’s then that I will crash, physically and mentally. I’ve been running on high cortisol levels for a very long time like many of us and the havoc that plays on our body is long term.

Morte & UM- yes I took pics of everything I left behind & a list with the approx value as well as written justifications and arguments for why I’ve taken what I did...all as evidence for court as I have no doubt I will be cross examined about it all in court.....story of my hypervigilant life right now.

And no he won’t win as he hasn’t so far.....but how long until I have no energy or fight left? For now i’ll keep going in the hope that he will get tired before me and give up.   

Morte...I want nothing to do with this version of H. My reaction was very early on, soon after BD and at that point I saw in his eyes that old H was gone and I was dealing with a different person who was actually getting a kick out of my pain. I swore to myself that I will never leave myself in that vulnerable position again. You are right- killing with kindness doesn’t work with a Narc but it makes me feel more in control and like I’m not giving him the satisfaction. I do hope you are right about him
him getting bored when he gets nothing from me but seriously it’s been over a year of minimal response from me and yet he’s still trying. Yep it may take years.

Saviour Faire I’m sorry you went through all of that. I do wonder if sometimes if I’m exaggerating his monstering in my head but I just have this gut feeling and a sense of unease and we have to pay attention to that. For me...it’s prompting me to stay well away from him. I have a feeling it’s gonna go on for a long while yet....hope I’m wrong.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9930.0
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10068.0
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10264.0

“Sometimes you have to take a step back to move forward” – Erika Taylor



Offline sachat3

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1165
  • Gender: Female
Attaching bewildered

I think whilst your MLCer is a tw@t in the worst form. You are handleing it with utter strength!
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9501
  • Gender: Female
Just wanted to say two things, BS.
One is to validate trusting your gut...you feel how you feel for good rational practical reasons based on his past behaviour.
The second is to say how much I admire what you have done and your resilience and courage in doing it. It is wise, sane and constructive for you and your kids...you may not feel awesome right now but that doesn't change the fact that you are. X,
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline One day at a time

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1188
  • Gender: Female
I'm very happy you have made the move BS. The court cases are not over but this will hopefully help you to feel you are moving on from this nightmare.. So proud of your kids!! Them not caring about the materialistic side of things really shows that they know what's important in life and I have no doubt that thanks to you!!

And I agree, negative attention is better than no attention for your H. I really hope he runs out of steam soon, you deserve some peace in this new chapter of your life.. 
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 43 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019
H gets engaged with OW (we are not divorced) - Oct 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Bewildered survivorTopic starterTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 536
  • Gender: Female
Thank you treasure & one day. What choice is there but to some how carry on. I’m desperate for a ‘normal’ life again.

Just when you think it can’t get worse- it always does. You couldn’t make this $hit up. Since the move H still throwing everything he can at me. I suspect it’s the fact that he’s losing control. This week it’s threats to not bring the kids back & for them to live with him and go back to school they were at- because of school situation where we’ve moved. So whilst I’m drowning in all the house sale, school, move, job and court case crap...he sending letters picking everything I’m doing apart. He has not taken any active part in any of it and knows I’m trying my best for the girls sake- yet says I haven’t sent him emails about school etc. I have in fact sent him everything apart from their responses as I didn’t realise he would not receive it as parent. But instead of asking me about it directly or contacting them directly he sends a legal letter that costs money and I have to respond to- with nothing valid and full of lies! Many other examples like this. When will this end?!! It’s like he never runs out of steam. I suspect it’s because he’s using his energy on doing nice things with ow & living his new life whilst letting me do all the hard work with the house, kids & every thing else involving picking up the pieces from the destruction.

The kids came back after few days with him and ow. I really thought with all his horrendous monstrous behaviours- detachment from the hurt and pain would be easier. But the news that ow has met the rest of family, stayed at his parents house again with everyone else and my kids, wedding pic of us has come down finally and I’ve heard she enjoyed herself at the family event, wasn’t uneasy and got on with a few of his family members....hit me hard. I crashed last night and just sobbed forever. I think it was the timing, after having said goodbye to old life & moving and how hard that was- then hearing how I’ve been soo easily replaced with someone who they once despised, was just the last straw. I have lost every last ounce of respect for his family. The insensitive way in which they have managed the situation and the result of hurting my children more is unforgivable. Their own grandmother is buying OW’s daughter equal amount to them- whilst OW ignores them completely. This hurts them as in their eyes this girl has taken their daddy and now everything & everyone else. I once trusted them with my kids knowing that they protected them - but now I just few like that whole situation is sick and damaging. I don’t want them surrounded by a family that has no morals and where they are treated like this . If anything they should be made a fuss of and there are soo many subtle ways in which their grandmother could do this without necessarily being cruel to the other child. My girls deserve better and there’s no way they are going to grow up like their dad with low self esteem and history repeat itself. Although it’s not my place to stop them being around his family and that situation I do hope they chose eventually to not be a part of it.

The heartache and pain of this all is sooo unbelievable. But the injustice of it all is what causes the most hurt & anger. The fact that they all seem to have moved on and living a normal life not fully aware of the hell he is putting us through.  Although I didn’t really want to be a part of the family event or even miss it- I just felt soo angry that this crazy woman is living my life and that she’s not being given a hard time. And that I’ve been soo easily replaced after soo many years. I know this is not necessarily the case and in fact they may all be laughing behind their backs. At the end of the day it’s only what small bits I’ve heard from the kids. I guess I just really wanted her to get drunk & show her true colours 😂-  now that would be justice.

Offline islandgirl68

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 475
  • Gender: Female
I'm sorry OW and your H overshadowed all your hard work and accomplishments... moving,  raising your girls by yourself. But in reality they haven't. They can't keep that mask on forever. OW's will slip. Maybe not today or tomorrow, maybe years later. Just know you are the genuine prize that your H and his family lost. Instead they get fake OW and a fake family. Your girls will see and know the difference.

Who knows, before long drunk sloppy OW will appear and everyone will know the true person she is  ;)
Me: 35
H: 37
S18; D12; D9; D5
Together 20 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
Learning about one another again

Offline Bewildered survivorTopic starterTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 536
  • Gender: Female
Who knows, before long drunk sloppy OW will appear and everyone will know the true person she is  ;)

Thanks for the reassurance Islandgirl.
I genuinely can’t wait for that day. I think your right- how long can mask be worn?

I am having revengeful thoughts not just about H & OW but also his family. I know it’s probably not healthy but I can’t help it.



Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9501
  • Gender: Female
For many of us the injustice burns, my friend. And the feeling of being so easily replaced.

My h's aunt...who had been my friend before I even met my h....was at his new wedding, front and centre. Enabled him to live on her houseboat while he made his new life and destroyed mine. Cut me off after almost 30 years as if I never existed and as if I deserved to be threatened and abused by her nephew. For a while tbh I felt angrier about that bc she wasn't 'in crisis' so I couldn't make the same excuses as I did at that time for my h. She knew I'd lost my parents, she knew I'd had cancer, she knew about the stolen watch and the death threats, she probably knew about ow before I did bc they planned the wedding from her houseboat, knew he was under psychiatric care.  What I eventually concluded was two things...that her idea of friendship and mine were not the same and that her reactions were part of the same twisted FOO stuff that had damaged my h in the first place. And that it wasn't my fault or my circus but I deserved better friends. Was I replaced? Well, on one level yes, but at the same time ow is not me...she will not be the kind of friend or family member that I was. And the loss is theirs not mine bc they have shown who they are by how they behaved, so I will do them the courtesy of accepting that this is who they are and what i meant to them when it came to tough choices.

At the same time - and we do it with our MLC spouses until our brains hurt and we stop - we can see the actions (or some) but that doesn't always mean our assumptions about why people act that way or how they feel are 100% accurate does it? My h's aunt chose to enable her nephew and avoid confronting any of the unpleasant stuff bc it was easier for her...and she would rather erase me than risk losing him. I have no idea what story she believes or how she feels about me...but i was one of her few close friends and she has lost my friendship which will not be easy to replace after almost 30 years. She is 75 next week and I have accepted her loss just as i have accepted the loss of my h...my h changed the world we all lived in and along with that destroyed future plans and support systems. The hardest thing actually was accepting that I will probably never know if she dies but that, if her relationship with my h has not been broken, my h and ow will inherit a lot if she does. Including jewllry that she wanted me to have and the houseboat that I found for her and helped her to move onto in 2014 when her wider family did very little....but she has lost me and I am irreplaceable. And certainly not by an ill-educated provincial bank clerk who obsesses about selfies and sees herself as a character in the tv show 'Made in Chelsea'  ::)...i loved my friend and I miss her, but the friendship was just one more bit of collateral damage and her own weakness. Actually who knows what God plans...the houseboat might end up as a bone of contention in my xh's second divorce lol.

Much harder for you to navigate with kids but others here will know more about that than I do.
The negative version of a clinging boomerang is a thing and lots of others here have survived similar crazy legal stuff as part of that. But my word, you are doing well...every bit you chip off and sever and close down is one more bit he can't use to control you. Trust your instincts, my friend...you are not at the end of the road quite yet I know but you are getting closer and you are also simultaneously making a new beginning. And as part of that, you and your family will give your kids the strength, love and self worth to navigate the mess that their father and his family created. 
« Last Edit: June 03, 2019, 11:54:59 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 22645
  • Gender: Female
Attaching Bewildered.   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Bewildered survivorTopic starterTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 536
  • Gender: Female
For many of us the injustice burns, my friend. And the feeling of being so easily replaced.

My h's aunt...who had been my friend before I even met my h....was at his new wedding, front and centre. Enabled him to live on her houseboat while he made his new life and destroyed mine. Cut me off after almost 30 years as if I never existed and as if I deserved to be threatened and abused by her nephew. For a while tbh I felt angrier about that bc she wasn't 'in crisis' so I couldn't make the same excuses as I did at that time for my h. She knew I'd lost my parents, she knew I'd had cancer, she knew about the stolen watch and the death threats, she probably knew about ow before I did bc they planned the wedding from her houseboat, knew he was under psychiatric care.  What I eventually concluded was two things...that her idea of friendship and mine were not the same and that her reactions were part of the same twisted FOO stuff that had damaged my h in the first place. And that it wasn't my fault or my circus but I deserved better friends. Was I replaced? Well, on one level yes, but at the same time ow is not me...she will not be the kind of friend or family member that I was. And the loss is theirs not mine bc they have shown who they are by how they behaved, so I will do them the courtesy of accepting that this is who they are and what i meant to them when it came to tough choices.

At the same time - and we do it with our MLC spouses until our brains hurt and we stop  My brain most certainly hurts- we can see the actions (or some) but that doesn't always mean our assumptions about why people act that way or how they feel are 100% accurate does it? My h's aunt chose to enable her nephew and avoid confronting any of the unpleasant stuff bc it was easier for her...and she would rather erase me than risk losing him. I have no idea what story she believes or how she feels about me...but i was one of her few close friends and she has lost my friendship which will not be easy to replace after almost 30 years. She is 75 next week and I have accepted her loss just as i have accepted the loss of my h...my h changed the world we all lived in and along with that destroyed future plans and support systems. The hardest thing actually was accepting that I will probably never know if she dies but that, if her relationship with my h has not been broken, my h and ow will inherit a lot if she does. Including jewllry that she wanted me to have and the houseboat that I found for her and helped her to move onto in 2014 when her wider family did very little....but she has lost me and I am irreplaceable.You definitely are irreplaceable! And certainly not by an ill-educated provincial bank clerk who obsesses about selfies and sees herself as a character in the tv show 'Made in Chelsea'  ::)...i loved my friend and I miss her, but the friendship was just one more bit of collateral damage and her own weakness. Actually who knows what God plans...the houseboat might end up as a bone of contention in my xh's second divorce lol.

Much harder for you to navigate with kids but others here will know more about that than I do.
The negative version of a clinging boomerang is a thing and lots of others here have survived similar crazy legal stuff as part of that. But my word, you are doing well...every bit you chip off and sever and close down is one more bit he can't use to control you. Trust your instincts, my friend...you are not at the end of the road quite yet I know but you are getting closer and you are also simultaneously making a new beginning. And as part of that, you and your family will give your kids the strength, love and self worth to navigate the mess that their father and his family created.


Thank you Treasure for your words.  The crazy legal stuff is definitely where we've been at from pretty much the start and continue to be.  I do feel as though the move has been the best thing for us.  The kids are in school...yay.  They did a full day today and seem to love it.  They may change school again but for now MLCer cant use that against me.  Life is very busy but despite dealing with soo many changes for some reason I don't feel as over whelmed by this or what's coming with up coming court cases. H is occupying less of my brain and there have actually been moments over the last couple of weeks when I haven't thought about him or the whole MLC mess- I think its because i'm not on my own and have family around to keep me distracted.  I have started to GAL & caught up with some old school friends.  I've been looking into things for me and the girls to do and basically re discovering home town.  I feel like I was in limbo for so long waiting to move. 

I'm not going to lie that I still feel the hurt and pain when the kids come back from contact with him and OW and some of the things they say- particularly about things they have been doing and the feeling of being replaced.  But the pain is getting less and I don't miss that life.  I miss old H but am starting to look forward and starting to believe that we will be ok.  I'm not as terrified of being alone as I was. 

That's today....tomorrow may be different. 

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.