Author Topic: My Story New chapter.....hope of living, breathing & healing despite never ending MLC  (Read 668 times)

Online megogirl

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I miss old H but am starting to look forward and starting to believe that we will be ok.  I'm not as terrified of being alone as I was. 

This is EXACTLY what I told S16 immediately after BD....that we'd "be ok".....mainly because I was flabbergasted, and had nothing else to say to S16.  (Enter: my journey into finding this website!)
 
I no longer worry about "being alone" because in my heart I will never, ever believe it, come hell or high water.  For this reason I never dumped my rings, nor got rid of his stupid monogrammed towels in the bathroom, nor changed my name back to my maiden (thank you again, RCR!)

I just "KNOW".
« Last Edit: June 10, 2019, 05:41:08 PM by megogirl »

Offline Bewildered survivorTopic starter

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Mego I understand what you are saying about holding onto rings as I've been there. But I took mine off the day I confronted him about OW and I knew I would never wear them again.  They represented the old marriage and the vows we made. Even IF H returned and IF I accepted him back I could never wear them again.

I don't have a knowing as you do and therefore am very careful with what I tell my kids. They are hopeful he will return still and I have to manage their expectations and hope as he may not.  Very difficult. I just reassure them that the 3 of us will be fine and show them that I can manage on my own without him.  I think showing them this makes them feel less worried about us and takes away some of the anxiety they feel.about the whole situation. The last thing they need as children is to have to deal with MLC dad as well as worry about if their mum is going to be ok. MLC has already stolen too much of their childhood and innocence

Offline sachat3

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It’s odd with kids isn’t it because they are oddly resilient but at the same time, they are resilient without knowing why. My kids are okay with Clington being gone. I’ve never had the “I wish daddy was here” speech at bedtime or anything like that. It was funny because Clington has been with Ow for almost 18 months. My kids haven’t met Ow and D7 is convinced I’m her daddy’s girlfriend 🤣 She has also seen Ow name pop up on Clingtons phone because she knows her first name and surname and when I ask who it is, she just says “I don’t know but when daddy was showing me ukuleles on his phone. She text and he pushed it up. He didn’t reply to her tho” 🤣🤣

I think kids will be kids and they will shock us with their coping skills!
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Bewildered survivorTopic starter

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Sach its a positive that clington recognizes somewhere in his MLC muddled brain that introducing kids to OW would not be a good idea. 

Unfortunately mine does not recognize this at all.  Hes the opposite.  Tried to introduce them to her 2 months after BD and they actually met her and her D before BD and told me she was more than a friend when I tried to explain where daddy was.  He has since been trying to get OW to replace me as their mother (strange and deluded) by getting her to do their hair despite them saying no and all sorts of other crazy.  There also is a replacement D (OW's D) in the mix who happens to be same age as ours.  He treats this girl as if she is his own and spends more time with her than his own (maybe less responsibility for her and less guilt? IDK). 

My children have been forced into a situation they didnt ask for and never wanted.  They continue to hope that he returns to our family despite me saying that may not be possible.  They have even said "what if Ow dies"- she is older than him and at 50 they think shes old and might die  :o.  I have explained that even if OW wasnt around and they broke up or she died doesnt mean he would return to me or our family.  My children are getting used to not having him around but do miss old him terribly and have grieved and still are as he really was hands on father and had a particularly close relationship with our older daughter who he seems to ignore mostly now- he cant handle her emotions it seems. 

You are right that they really are resilient and amaze us with their coping skills but I think thats because of stable LBS's like us who keep things ok and damage control.  We have to give ourselves credit where its due I guess..   ;)

Online megogirl

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I understand what you are saying about holding onto rings as I've been there. But I took mine off the day I confronted him about OW and I knew I would never wear them again.  They represented the old marriage and the vows we made. Even IF H returned and IF I accepted him back I could never wear them again

That is certainly a valid way to look at them.  I struggle with them too. 

But they also represent a covenant; yes one that he broke, but that doesn't mean I should as well.  I guess I see it as a part of the "For Better or for Worse" thing?  I do go back and forth on it. 

Even the Bible wavers on the subject of adultery.....no clear answers there either!
« Last Edit: June 11, 2019, 07:40:14 AM by megogirl »

Offline Standing Strong

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I understand what you are saying about holding onto rings as I've been there. But I took mine off the day I confronted him about OW and I knew I would never wear them again.  They represented the old marriage and the vows we made. Even IF H returned and IF I accepted him back I could never wear them again

That is certainly a valid way to look at them.  I struggle with them too. 

But they also represent a covenant; yes one that he broke, but that doesn't mean I should as well.  I guess I see it as a part of the "For Better or for Worse" thing?  I do go back and forth on it. 

Even the Bible wavers on the subject of adultery.....no clear answers there either!

I'm wearing mine.... W isn't.
I think the bible is pretty clear on it...... Woman D's her H and moves on... Adultery. Man D's his W and moves on.... adultery. Infidelity of course... adultery.
All these MLC'ers are adulterers (well almost all of them). The question is, has the person who has been wronged freed from their commitment? I'm not sure, and I lean no we are not released.... BUT..... God is very understanding and if you reach the end of your rope he knows it's not your fault. I think if someone prays to be released and waits for him to release them, he will.
The harder thing to me right now is, your H or W comes back..... forgiven or not, they are an adulterer the rest of their life, it can't be undone. That must be torture for them, but it also can't be easy for us.

-SS
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Online megogirl

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I think the bible is pretty clear on it...... Woman D's her H and moves on... Adultery. Man D's his W and moves on.... adultery. Infidelity of course... adultery.

Yes the Bible is pretty clear that a spouse may hit the road upon adulterous acts.....hey they violated 5 of the 10 Commandments in one foul swoop!  (Hard to do!)

It's just the vows that did not include an "adultery exemption clause."   So, I struggle with that.
« Last Edit: June 11, 2019, 08:55:31 AM by megogirl »

Offline Mitzpah

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I don't have a knowing as you do and therefore am very careful with what I tell my kids. They are hopeful he will return still and I have to manage their expectations and hope as he may not.  Very difficult. I just reassure them that the 3 of us will be fine and show them that I can manage on my own without him.  I think showing them this makes them feel less worried about us and takes away some of the anxiety they feel.about the whole situation. The last thing they need as children is to have to deal with MLC dad as well as worry about if their mum is going to be ok. MLC has already stolen too much of their childhood and innocence

Hi Bewildered, I am another who does NOT have a knowing - perhaps I am not the type of person to have one?

I understand the way you deal with it... My kids were older than yours and it was very hard for them, having had a very hands on dad who even shared the mid dawn breast feeding sessions! He would get up with me every time, all I had to do was feed the baby :) and then suddenly this super dad was not there anymore. Worse, he was living with an ow who had two younger children of her own. The attempt to blend the children was rather painful and at times disastrous. Fortunately, after some time - a year or two - it kind of died a natural death (the offspring blending, that is :P)

My children are aware that I love their dad and pray for the restoration of our marriage, however, I have always made it clear that their relationship with their dad is theirs and they need to respect him (honor him in the biblical sense).  I am their mother and he is their dad and there is no changing that. I know that they would love for him to come home but they also respect him and have managed to stay close to him regardless. They have often suggested that I move on (as in get into a new relationship), I think that now they know I am not interested and we rarely talk of that possibility :).


You are right that they really are resilient and amaze us with their coping skills but I think thats because of stable LBS's like us who keep things ok and damage control.  We have to give ourselves credit where its due I guess..   ;)

I agree with this. Doing damage control is essential. It often means that we just zip our lips and put a smile on, change the subject, encourage to look the other way!

M 57
H 57
S 27
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline sachat3

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I suppose in that sense I feel lucky the way Clington has done things. They don’t know Ow. They haven’t met her. Ow doesn’t have her own kids. So in that sense it’s fairly easy. Clington was also a hands on- ish dad. I think now tho, he views himself as a friend. The one they can wrestle with. The one who does the fun stuff. Type thing. Yuno because at 34 he’s too old to be a “dad” hey!

See I suppose I have the “knowing” he will come back. I don’t like to call it that but yuno if I had a gun to my head and had to guess red (he’d stay away) or black (he would want to return) then yuno id go black. But that changes nothing in the mean time. I never say to my kids he will be back. I never really mention it. They don’t ask. They don’t know type thing.

I’m lucky I had three girls. I’ve even got female kittens (pot luck on that front!) and so when Clington left I did a big song and dance of “we now have a girls house” type thing. They enjoyed it.

I suppose protecting our kids is what us mothers (and some dads!) do. Same as mothers who can lift cars to save children. It’s built in most of us.
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Bewildered survivorTopic starter

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Sach I dont think any of us are lucky, worse or better off.  MLC stinks.  I am grateful to have 2 girls and we really have come together with it being us against the world . I just hope it stays that way. 

As for the ring situation.  I have no specific religious beliefs about it.  My rings never came off during the marriage...even to sleep or shower. I wore them with pride and when ever approached by the opposite sex would be happy to use them to represent my faithfulness to my husband.  I didnt take them off to show my single status or to show that im no longer married (I hated the thought of that).  Taking them off was more about H’s betrayal than about me- ss yes they are adulterers.  I could not wear them knowing he violated the very meaning of them and was living with another woman treating her like his wife.  Wearing them would make me feel as though I was in complete denial of that fact rather than accepting of it.  Even if he was to return (& its a big IF and at this point I dont think im even standing) I would have to buy new rings as it would be a completely new relationship.

Mitzpah my H did the same. Got up int he night while I breast fed to make sure I had a snack and something to drink...I miss that man.  It also hurts that he may be doing similar for OW now.

So after being served court papers the day before I moved after 2 weeks I was finally able to look a them.  The anxiety levels are still so high.  Well I discovered that not only is it an application to go back to court regarding custody but its actually an application accusing me of emotionally and psychologically harming my children....WTF?!! He basing this on the fact that I have moved city and the fact that they cant see him as much.  I have never stopped them seeing him and have proof and have offered for him to come and see them here....which he refuses saying 45 minutes is to far.  I have proof the the kids are not happy there with him and do not want to spend more time with him and OW but put up with it because they want to see their dad.  I have lots of concerns about the chdliren being neglected and the impact on them but have been so careful as they are big accusations to make and the kids still want to see their dad.  He is aware of my concerns and then files an application accusing me of the same with no basis. This is the second time hes accused me off this...last year he filed an application saying I physically harmed them by pulling D7 away when she was crying and wanting to come to me and I hurt her arm in the process!

WHat he is doing legally is abusive.  I have no doubt in my mind that there is something very wrong with his thinking and OW is fuelling and putting these ideas in his head as the on going legal battle with me feeds their relationship.  I am not just blaming her as I 100% think its his fault but I know she is behind most of it. 

Will this ever end??

 

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