Author Topic: My Story New chapter.....hope of living, breathing & healing despite never ending MLC  (Read 681 times)

Offline sachat3

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I think we all wonder if it will ever end. I know I do. I admit, for the first 3-4 months post bomb drop I was a crazy lady. Phoning Ow at work. Sending her messages online. Sly digs on SM you name it. I did it. You see I was hurting. I was 26, a single mum to 3 kids. My oldest was 6 and youngest 1. My youngest was in and out of hospital and as many additional needs and still to this day Ow baits me online. Despite the fact I haven’t even done the slightest thing for 15 months. Will she ever stop? I don’t know. However, what I do know is we get stronger and you will too. Courts are not stupid people. You can’t really hoodwink them. And so your ex may be saying the most vile things about you however, please please remember NOBODY will believe it. Maybe Ow will but nobody of importance will. As the saying goes “those that mind don’t matter and those that matter don’t mind”.

You have built the solid of solid foundations for your girls and whilst the rug was pulled out from under you. You didn’t crumble. It may have felt like you did but you didn’t. You made sure your girls have everything they needed. You gave them love when your heart was breaking. And the courts and everyone else will see this.
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Philadelphiagirl

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Hi BW, just a quick hello to send you some support. I have dealt with similar allegations and I think that this sort of behaviour can be quite common in our situation. I had lots of allegations made against me, complaints made to social services, the school etc. I was hysterical at the time but because I had a lot of support from my IC etc. I managed to get through it all relatively unscathed. Stay strong, you know the truth and bring yourself back to that when you are stressed. I know the anxiety feeling of court docs/letters etc. I have left things for weeks before as I was focusing on keeping going and looking after the kids. Stay strong, you got this! PG xxx

Offline Bewildered survivorTopic starter

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Thanks all for your support  :)

Philadelphiagirl...sadly it is common behavior....as if the trauma of being abandoned, ow etc isnt enough!  I believe the worst part for me is being blamed constantly and having to justify everything when I didnt do anything wrong.  I could deal with and heal from the rest if he would just leave me alone. 

Although you would hope that the courts can see through his compulsive lies and BS (they have so far) it the fact that you have to be in court in the first place and feel like a criminal because you have to defend yourself constantly.  Its crazy making.  Especially as all im doing is trying to survive and make the best of an awful situation for the sake of my kids.  The amount of time and energy wasted on all these court cases I could have spent on my kids.

I know we have all been there and had many similar challenges and its great to have somewhere to go where others have felt the pain, anxiety and pure injustice of it all. 

I will get through it and I will just keep fighting...as I say with my warrior suit firmly in place.  I pray this is the last custody battle as I have spoken to my solicitor about getting an order in place if he keeps trying tio take me back to court whereby the judge can throw it out if found to be false or unnecessary.  In this instance unfortunately he has a case as the order in place wasnt specific enough about contact with him when we move.  As for the allegations I now have to spend all weekend yet again responding and defending. 

Im trying to say to myself "you cant be wrong and strong at the same time".  Hopefully the truth and whats right will shine through.

Offline sachat3

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There’s a quote I shared on my Instagram a while back and I always refer back to it and it is

A lie can get half way around the world before the truth has time to put its pants on.

And unfortunately it’s true. People want to believe lies so quickly without even questioning it. However, I always put myself in the others shoes. So if I was a judge and I’ve got a case from the same person for the 5th time. The 4 cases beforehand they were proved to be a liar. I wouldn’t really look into the 5th case because it’s proven this person is untrustworthy. I understand because it’s you living it and it’s your kids you will always think “what if?” But the fact of the matter is this, the courts will see the truth. They will see he’s a arse and they will see you as the super strong loving and caring mother you are.
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Bewildered survivorTopic starter

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Up date:

Final financial hearing is v soon. Deadline for submissions was last Wednesday. I was ready to go with mine but of course nothing from MLCer, despite it being him that’s applied. My L still chasing.

Custody battle- manipulation with the kids ++++. Hes refusing to drive 45-1 hour to see them here in the week and moaned all the way here and back when he had them for the weekend. Told the kids I’m meant to have you 3 weekends in a row but don’t know what your mums playing at! Obviously not true. Uping the ante with OW- getting her to take D10 shopping. This is all for court purposes so he can say the kids are fine with OW. They are fine because they have to be. They are being put in a position where they have no choice and because they are polite, mild tempered children and that they are scared of their dad....they go along with it! The immature games continue.....

On a funny note. The kids came back and said mummy- your dressing table and bedside tables are in daddy and OW’s bedroom! I’d left things that I didn’t need or want behind in the house. I had to laugh- she has my broken husband and now my broken furniture. She’s obviously ok with used goods! Had to be said  :).  My makeup stain is still on it and it’s cheap furniture. I’m sure she’s been to the house and would have expected to have seen stuff worth some money- instead she gets nothing worth all that much.

What I don’t understand is H’s current money situation. He’s not spending lots as MLCers do- that I can see. In fact he’s doing the opposite. Won’t spend money on the kids when they are there. Part of me wonders if they are just saving for their extension and will splash out then or that he’s in more debt than I know. I’m pretty sure  OW’s motivation is money although she’s used the fact that she’s not into all that to get him. In the long run she knows she’s better off as he’s on a good wage and she’s never seen anything like that. Just for me wondering. Why on earth would you use broken furniture from our marital bedroom when you could probably afford to buy new stuff 🤔


Offline Bewildered survivorTopic starter

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Ok I’m going to indulge myself in some over analysing.

Got a glimpse of H after months of not seeing him. It was kids school sports day and he made out like he wasn’t coming but turned up towards the end.

It was a scorching day and he turned up in a thick winter hooded sweatshirt. When I looked over I saw he’s gained most of his weight back that he had initially lost & has aged massively.

This was my observation of getting a 2 minute glimpse. I still can’t bring my self to look at him for any longer. I think it’s me that is highly avoidant because being near him provokes such anxiety in me. I don’t make eye contact & act as he doesn’t exist. It was a very strange situation with him standing a few feet away (on his phone to OW no doubt) and luckily I started to talk to someone next to me. I felt at times eyes on me . Later walked straight past his car with him sitting in it & didn’t look his way at all. I am going to get myself some help for this I think. It’s not healthy to fear someone like this- at the end of the day how much more can he hurt me? Also weather I stand or not and weather or not he tries to reconcile at the end of this- we have 2 small children together & I do hope that if he comes through this we can have some kind of healthy co parenting relationship ( not possible with his crazy MLC irrationality right now). That can’t happen if I can’t even look at him. How would he ever even approach me if he wanted to? I’m very closed off, have a wall around me and a double wall around my heart when it comes to him.

 I have no idea what any of it means really. On FT with the kids the week before he told them he would be at their sports day and then a week later said I’ll see you at pick up (his weekend) so therefore wouldn’t be at sports day after all. My interpretation...OW had an issue with him going when I was going to be there (this has happened many times before). Then he turns up at the end so got to see a bit of it- so OW wouldn’t have known.

Just made me wonder if the weight gain means he’s running out of his high energy replay phase- or just having a break. Still no way near end of replay I know that- just hopefully running out of a bit of energy. His legal actions are still high energy and quite irrational. The thick sweatshirt (it was extremely hot) maybe a sign he’s just not with it fully. He was always body conscious and would hide behind sweatshirts- so maybe that’s what it was.

I don’t see him much and don’t ask the kids about things like this of course. So when I come across him like this my mind goes into to overdrive. So I’ve allowed myself to over indulge in a bit of MLCer watching and analysing- now focus back to ME.

Online Treasur

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BS...a bit of analysing on a first sighting after a long time is understandable. Tbh some of it is probably your anxiety making you want to 'gauge' the threat he represents....ah the crazy joys of recovering trauma lol.

Very few spouses, even years out, seem to look well or healthy do they? Not sure why...I suspect it is a function of their own mental stress and maybe some lifestyle stuff if they now drink more or sleep less. I suppose it just is a reminder that their 'new happy' doesn't look like it is doing them much good physically.

Tbh I read your post as being more about you. That you recognisr you have a fear response to him which may be disproportionate now and that doesn't feel good to carry. It is understandable and it is a trauma response....if you have an IC who understands trauma, there are some fairly simple things you can do to work past it but you might need a little guidance to start you off.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Bewildered survivorTopic starter

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Treasure....yes the trauma is a b!tc#.

I feel fortunate that as a CBT therapist who deals with other people's trauma and anxiety...im able to recognize this in myself.  However much to my frustration I struggle to apply any of the techniques to myself.  Tbh I believe most of our trauma is due to understandable adjustment rather than true PTSD (which really is unprocessed memories).  I know EMDR  has worked very well for you and I definitely promote it (I was due to do my training in it before I left my current job) but for me I think I have processed the memories themselves and am now dealing with the grief and adjustment. 

I am anxious around him because I avoid him (not hard when he also avoids me lol) and what is known about anxiety is that avoidance reinforces it and the only way to reduce this reaction is through habituation.  Habituation would be seeing him regularly, having positive interaction with him regularly in order to re teach my brain that he is not a threat to me and that I am safe in his presence.  Essentially myself and many others have this reaction because we have developed a phobia of our MLCers.  This is because our brains have learnt to associate the feeling of danger and being unsafe to them.  In that way the MLCer is like a spider to someone who has a spider phobia.  Phobias are developed through avoidance of something we think is to be feared.  So we treat it through exposure.  By exposing to a spider the spider phobic re learns that they can even hold a spider without it harming them.  Now if their phobia was a tiger or poisonous snake we would not be able to expose them as they ARE dangerous and could kill us.  Therefore there is no way to treat our phobia of MLCer until they stop causing us pain and stop trying to harm us.  My MLCer is harmful to my heart and is causing me pain.  Trauma cant be treated whilst you are still being exposed to the trauma.  If H was to come through MLC, return to himself, stop trying to cause me pain and returned to our marriage and I still felt this level of anxiety in his presence- it could be treated with CBT using exposure and anxiety treatment.  In this scenario I would no longer be in a situation of continued trauma and if I still had unprocessed memories (experiencing true flashbacks and nightmares in which I was reliving specific trauma memories) then I could be treated with EMDR or CBT for PTSD.  Otherwise it probably wouldn't work.

 I think its great EMDR is working for you and although I have no doubt you are struggling with true PTSD the timing of your treatment is right.  From what I know of your story Treasure...you went through hell and have come out the other end and are no longer in your exh's firing line for continued trauma.  The fact that he has remarried and moved on is very painful and you are dealing with that and everything else with strength and getting yourself help to heal. But my opinion is that if you had tried this treatment whilst in the thick of it, it would have worked as well. 

Sorry this is long winded...its just my personal and professional take on trauma treatment in our situations. 

I feel all I can do right now is get help to become resilient and strong to continue to deal with the trauma.  I cant really afford the therapy right now but do feel like I need something.  Strangely enough despite me being quite scientific and logical this process has opened my mind to other things.  Its made me explore my spiritual side.  I have my first session with a psychic life coach who has qualifications in counseling and meditation. She is hopefully going to help me focus on me, meditate and learn how to bring some peace to my heart whilst I continue to battle court and everything else monster is throwing at me right now.  This is the best I can hope for at the moment.  It may even hopefully prevent me from crashing and developing PTSD once im through the worst of this continued trauma.

Ill let you know how it goes. 

Offline Bewildered survivorTopic starter

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Journaling


Well the move & distance has not caused any kind of relief from the monstering. Im actually concerned about the fact that I think MLCer is losing complete control of himself. I’m getting false allegation after false allegation- all unfounded, unsupported & contradictory! Soo much so that its irrational. My MLCer has always had high levels of projection but it seems to be getting more paranoid in nature. A lot of his messages are projection. I have no choice but to message him about things to do with the kids however I always get a message back full of irrational accusations. Latest one (after I informed him that I had registered kids at Gp & they recommended a blood test for them).....first of all I didn’t need to take them in to drs- I could have just registered with a form (it’s the practice policy to see new patients for a 20 min consultation) & that I’m asking for unnecessary blood tests because I’m playing games - again of course not true. The doctor recommended it from his consultation. So he could be either trying to bait me before court, he’s playing a game himself because he’s a narc- however although I think he definitely has narcissist tendencies the game is not very clever because all of his accusations can be disproved. I’m just exhausted with having to constantly defend myself, especially as I need all that energy & time to re build our lives & settle the kids.

I have not responded to the text & I don’t think I will. But I drafted this response which made me feel a bit better:

“I’m not quite sure what your accusing me of this time? The false accusations are getting so frequent, ridiculous & paranoid that it’s hard to keep track. Are you perhaps suggesting that I’m taking my girls to the doctors for no reason & harming them in some way?? - just like I’m harming them physically, oh & emotionally like in your C1A applications full of false allegations. What game exactly would I be playing?? Ask yourself- does that even make sense?? I’m concerned about your paranoia & the level of projection is actually crazy. I urge you to sort yourself out- this is not healthy for the girls & your not doing yourself any favours. You can ring whoever, whenever you want- you will NOT EVER find anything on me as there is NOTHING. You are clutching at straws as I am NOT doing anything apart from get on with my life and look after my kids. Im that busy doing everything (that you should be actually trying to help with) that you do not enter my mind. Are you that arrogant & full of yourself that you actually believe I spend every minute trying to think of ways to play games with you?? I inform you of things related to the girls as unfortunately you are their father & that’s what I need to do- not to play any kind of game as you are truly an abusive monster that I would rather never have nothing to do with as long as I live. It’s you that’s playing a very silly mental game which your wasting a lot of energy and time on. Time and energy you could spend on your girls. It’s clear for everyone to see that you need to make me the enemy in your head so you can sleep at night- your soo desperate to do that you compulsively lie. The most dangerous lie is the one that you tell yourself and actually believe. One day you won’t be able to keep using me to fuel your lie- you will just have to live with yourself. Hopefully you will finally have no choice but to look in the mirror. “

Any insights on how to manage this? I think he might just get worse- particularly if things don’t go his way in court next week for the finances. My first instinct is to ignore him & not reply to his message. He has threatened to contact the GP- which he can do as he will find nothing. I have to get better at detaching from it to. If I isn’t have young kids I would be completely no contact. Hopefully once the court stuff is done (if he ever stops taking me back there) I won’t feel the need to defend myself & I can completely detach & ignore.

Offline Bewildered survivorTopic starter

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Thanks treasure. Some of your questions I don’t know the answer to. I’m not sure if I’ve updated on here that he has actually put in a second (one last year) court application stating that I’m harming the children- yes CRAZY! Although I know I have nothing to worry about I still had to speak to a social worker as if I’ve done something wrong. The problem I have is that one of his accusations on the application is that I make “unilateral decisions” and don’t inform him of things about the kids as he’s still got parental responsibility. I have been told that although I have residency of the kids I have to let him know things (but I’m going check it out properly). So the crazy thing is that- I inform him of anything & everything related to the kids through text  (i chose this way as I have a programme that allows me to get all text messages on a table which I can submit to court) & by adding kids apts to a shared calendar. I actually have an email that I’ve saved from apple saying he deleted a shared calendar which had all the apt’s after accusing me of not informing him of things!! He knows I have this as proof but has accused  me again of the same thing! Honestly- how do I keep my sanity through all this?? Not only is he accusing me, even after I’ve proved them to be untrue once- he accuses me again. He’s brain is seriously scrabbles eggs, Swiss cheese or what ever you want to call it....it’s very messed up.

I am looking into getting an order that may put a stop to the court stuff but not sure I have enough of a case. I’m also going to speak to a support for domestic violence (I never considered it to be DV but was informed by the police that he is emotionally abusing me and it is DV) as they may be able to help me with the legal stuff and act as an advocate and support with court.

Treasure- yes he has a massive control issue. It makes me sad that not once has he been concerned about the kids actual physical or emotional health- he only responds when he finds something he can use as a tool of power or control over me.

I’m not going to take the bait and respond- as nothing in his message needs a response in regards to the kids. He has been told I will only respond to necessary messages about the kids and if they are respectful.

 

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