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Author Topic: My Story New chapter.....hope of living, breathing & healing despite never ending MLC

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Treasure where has your post gone?? Im sure I just read it and responded? Perhaps my MLCer’s recent antics have finally sent me bonkers lol. 
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No I'm here...just trying to post less and thought others might be more helpful, so deleted it.
Basically said he's bonkers and into control, your instinct is right and that in future you might share only essential or legally required things by email instead. That you can't stop crazy but you can quarantine it. And yes the police are right...it IS abuse....so you're doing lots of practical stuff already but a little more legal info might help? If you were more detached and not so exhausted of course...and could see the funny side....you could text him relentlessly 'daughter wants to not eat her broccoli, what do you think?' Or 'vanilla or chocolate ice cream? Pls confirm in next minute as they are melting' or 'should the bedtime story be the elephant one tonight?' Not recommending this lol...but it might help your frustration to chuckle inwardly at the deluge of texts you could send..... :)
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« Last Edit: July 03, 2019, 10:46:35 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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BS

Just read your update I am glad you decided not to send that messge.
Just carry on doing what you are doing and send the odd message keeping
 him informed of the girls too, without responding to his accusations, no matter how provoked you are.
And I think its a good idea to get the DV involved

I am sure all this will go massively in your favour when this finally gets to court.....

But please try to have some time to escape all this, its clear your H is getting worse, probably
because he feels he is losing control, because he is, so you need to have some distractions away from the madness and remember there is a life outside of MLC...

And  when you have your monkey braining times, like we all do also remember that
 no-one who is 'happy' would behave like this, your H is in the middle of a nightmare
 most of the time and thats what is behind this behaviour.
So keep moving forward

I read a great quote the other day
'Be the architect of your future, not the prisoner of your past'

xx   


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« Last Edit: July 03, 2019, 11:26:13 PM by 1trouble »
"I can't go back to yesterday I was a different person then"..............Alice in Wonderland

you NEVER know how strong you are, until being strong is the ONLY choice you have"

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BS,

I agree with not sending that message. When I was accused in a similar way, some years ago - I received a phone call from h. which started out badly, full of accusations - initially I tried to defend myself but quickly realized I was just fueling the argument and his projection, so I just said 'look, blaming me is not helping our children, let's concentrate on the issue at hand, how can we help them?', he calmed down after that. Of course, I realize that my h. does not necessarily have narc tendencies and that he was just feeling the sting of things going wrong (I think he was feeling guilty) and he needed a scapegoat  :P  I have found that returning accusations or offering my considerations on his behavior does not get anywhere.

I am sorry that he goes as far as applying to court complaining about untrue things - he is really sick  :(

I would do as you say - let him call the GP and detach and ignore!

I hope you are able to get some time for you away from his shenanigans.
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M 58
H 58
S 28
D 25
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

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Bs. Utter crazy behaviour. I would def get more legal advice of what you need to share as I don’t think a new gp  is co parenting info that needs to be shared. I was under the impression it is more holidays abroad or in my sons case a lip piercing. A gp is a basic necessity. Perhaps a once a month texts re the girls of everything that needs to be communicated with an add on of any changes you made the month previous. That way he cannot change as in the past but you informed the changes that you made. I prob wouldn’t have mentioned blood tests. Xx
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« Last Edit: July 04, 2019, 05:38:19 AM by Rising Phoenix »
Me 52
H53
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

B
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Up date (long post warning)

I haven’t posted for a while for several reasons. Things have been very busy and as usual lots happening in MLC world. The more updates I accumulated the harder it is to come and update my thread. For some reason I thought writing would make it worse and I was avoiding.

Treasure I’m disappointed you deleted your advice as I value it.

Thanks for your response ....  i agree with you if I didn’t have the legal stuff hanging over my head all the time. I don’t believe that the usual MLC rules can be applied when your bound by legal restrictions and scrutiny. I have been to court 8 times and will be 9 next month- within 2 years. I have had no choice but to go to court- as MLCer left me with no choice. It definitely was not to get revenge or out of bitterness for me. I would not ever have put myself through that (it’s a horrific process which made me feel it was me who has left and done something wrong).


Bs. Utter crazy behaviour. I would def get more legal advice of what you need to share as I don’t think a new gp  is co parenting info that needs to be shared. I was under the impression it is more holidays abroad or in my sons case a lip piercing. A gp is a basic necessity. Perhaps a once a month texts re the girls of everything that needs to be communicated with an add on of any changes you made the month previous. That way he cannot change as in the past but you informed the changes that you made. I prob wouldn’t have mentioned blood tests. Xx
River- I am glad I informed him of all these medical things as that has helped me legally. I did things by the book and by informing him of what is seen as something little wouldn’t be little in court. How I understand it is that if you share PR even though I have custody- you do need to inform the other parent of medical things esp blood tests.  He is essentially accusing me of ‘fictitious illness’ and had I not informed  him of medical issues (however minor) which I do actually believe is the right thing to do as he does have parental responsibility- weather he wants it or not- would not look good for me in court. I know this sounds strange but I feel relief that the blood tests did indicate a vitamin deficiency (which is only minor and not  harmful) and every other time I’ve taken them to drs has led to some form of diagnosis. Although his accusations are crazy, unfounded and irrational- as a human being after a long period of battling and defending constant false accusations you start to feel on edge and like you have to justify yourself all the time- just like the process of gas lighting.

I have spent 2 years keeping one step ahead and my actions have all been led by what is best legally and not by ‘paving the way’ or by what may bring him back. It was and is all about survival and paving the way for me and my girls- protecting us emotionally and financially. As that’s been my priority. Doesn’t stop me from trying to understand this craziness and have been following shocks sis thread which I have personally found insightful and helpful in getting me through the monstering. I’m not silly- I know not to pin all my hopes in one story and tbh at this point in time I am not standing- I’m done and think I was a long time ago. Way too much trauma and damage and more to come. I’m not interested in moving on with anyone else as I dont want anything distracting me from the kids but I’m open to living my life again and seeing what the future holds.

So since my last post,  I have been living back in home town with my parents. The initial relief and novelty of leaving our home, city and life is wearing off and I am missing all these things now. It’s like I’m now grieving as I didn’t have time to before. It’s also hard being back here at the age of 40.

New job is going well and I’m also busy setting up my practice/business  which is exciting. I am totally rebuilding our lives- daunting, terrifying and maybe a little bit exciting.

Been to court twice since my last post. One was final financial hearing. Was the hardest one yet- I was cross examined for 1.5 hours. MLCer was the weirdest ever. He of course lied on oath, acting very inappropriately including coughing all the way through my evidence to put me off (I ignored him) and spent ridiculous amount on the most expensive barrister and solicitor as well (his legal fees are double than mine and he’s spent more on them then what he’s got out)- so yet more skewered fogged up thinking. The outcome was that I got less than I proposed but did ok. I got majority of the house equity and hopefully enough to pay my parents legal fees and buy a small house. I didn’t ask for anything else- no stake to his shares or spousal maintenance. Mainly because I want no link or anything else he can hold over me as power or control. I just want enough to get a home and to live.

July- decree came through! I have struggled to tell people. Although I knew it was coming. My friends say I should celebrate. I don’t see it as a celebration- I see it like I’m a failure (I know I’m not) but just feels like it sometimes. I never chose it- it was his divorce.

Was 2 years since BD in August (seems like way longer with how much has happened).

Marriage between MLCer and OW is on its way I think. He has mentioned it in front of the girls. So have to brace myself for that one next. To me that will be the nail in the coffin between him and his kids and for any chance of an amicable co parenting relationship with me. She remains crazy & controlling- won’t allow any contact between us.

Court in Oct- for kids...again!! He wants what he wants & whatever fits his and Ow’s needs and I can’t agree as not in their best interest at all. I’m going to try my best to negotiate to avoid court but I’m not expecting him to  agree to anything.

So we are pretty much no contact. I only get weird abusive messages which I ignore. I do not initiate contact unless it’s to do with necessary kids stuff which he normally ignores. We do drop off and pick ups at a neutral place and only in the school holidays. He still whistles whenever he comes near me.

Other crazy MLC shenanigans.....T total most of his life is now drinking strong beer to with OW. Also eating beef (against religion) so hes turned his back on his faith to. From what shocks sis says and others insights- he’s still deep in the tunnel with his feelings completely  buried. What I find the hardest is seeing how he has totally taken on OW’s D9. This girls is same age as our girls and is soo hard for them. He’s does  it go anywhere without her. Even to pick up and drop offs he drags her along. He tells our kids that he loves them
equally- how hurtful to them 😡. This child has her own dad. He spends more time with her than his own children and has not spent a single minute with his own girls without her there. It’s common in all stories about being replaced by OW but I haven’t read many stories in which they replace their children??

So yes after 2 years- it’s still like twilight zone for me. Life could not be more different. House, City, job, family, friends.....everything has changed!! Kids are also adjusting to all the change but are hopefully in a better place with more family around them. But they are grieving and with a potential wedding (& the way they were told 😡) they have more to go through as do I.

It was a tough summer (when I didn’t have kids) and had some seriously dark moments but at the same time feel like I now have something to work towards and rebuild with. And have moments of thinking “it might just be ok”. With my new job I’m determined to not let his MLC contaminate my new life- it’s taken enough from me already.
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
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BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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B
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Thanks for taking the time to read my story UM.
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So happy to hear that you have managed to create a new platform to build on and some ways to at least quarantine some things from MLC madness.
Truly that is quite some achievement and I hope you feel rightly proud of it, BS.

Are there still some potential hand grenades to dodge? Well perhaps, that seems to come with an MLC divorce for many doesn't it? But look how far you have come in just the last few months and how much more solid ground you have to stand on if you need to deal with these things.

It's normal I think once we escape the heavy relentless MLC drama that some of the deeper emotions like grief or anger come out. Almost as if we had to shelve them before bc we didn't have the luxury of thevsoace to process them too. And perhaps as we start to build the foundation for a new different life, the reality of what happened, what we survived and where we are now becomes more concrete. But oh my word, if I remember where you were and how horrendously controlling your xh was, you have come a long way  :)...and no one but you made that happen  :)
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

B
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Thanks Treasure. I have come a long way but with some end in sight I’m also worried that the crash maybe coming for me. I’m tired of fighting and although I’ve made huge decisions and strides to protect myself and my children, I’m still held back and crippled by fear and uncertainly. That’s been my biggest issue & one that only I can work through & overcome.

I am trying very hard to start bringing back some positivity and attract some happiness back in our lives as 2 years of misery, heart ache, anxiety, stress and all the trauma MLC has brought is just enough! I’ve had enough of it!

So here we are-  in limbo and although this is much needed respite I’m way to much of an anxious and inpatient person to live in the moment. I’m a worrier and the future is terrifying. What keeps that fire in my belly most days is that determination that I’m not going to let him or his MLC break me. Other days I feel defeated and like there is no light & nothing to look forward to.

I haven’t been able to look back at my old threads as I still don’t feel strong enough but when I think about it I can see how far I have come- thanks for reminding me Treasure. I do remember posting a lot about him coming to the house everyday and the incessant whistling & humming! Wow- I’m glad I managed to get away from that  :o. I’m currently working on really cutting the cord and unhooking from him. I still feel attached- despite the D. He’s still trying to hurt me and to some extent im still letting him. I’m still in ear shot of his calls to the girls and am currently working on removing myself- if I can’t hear it I take that control back. Not sure why I listen at times- maybe to hear any change?? Let’s be honest my MLCer seems to be pretty extreme and very very lost- so all I’m gonna hear is yet more of alien talking for a very long time.

Yes there are still more hand grenades to dodge. Found out today that he has refused to accept any of my reasonable proposals regarding the kids- so back to court we go next month- for the 9th time!!! When you ask about hand grenades do you mean- things that will effect me directly? Im slowly cutting of links with him to control me. I’ve moved cities, financially no longer linked as soon as house is sold end of the month, last court hearing re kids hopefully , no contact but of course he will continue to use the kids as a tool against me. There’s the potential wedding and the rest of the other MLC BS to dodge or protect my heart from.

I would like any insights into when they replace their children? I’m struggling with this the most and the relationship MLCer has with OW’s daughter baffles me. How it doesn’t make him miss his own children or remind him that he no longer has them in his daily life baffles me the most. He really must have switched off those emotions to be able to live that life. Perhaps shocks sis can shed some light.
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