Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story New chapter.....hope of living, breathing & healing despite never ending MLC

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10261
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
I would like any insights into when they replace their children? I’m struggling with this the most and the relationship MLCer has with OW’s daughter baffles me. How it doesn’t make him miss his own children or remind him that he no longer has them in his daily life baffles me the most. He really must have switched off those emotions to be able to live that life. Perhaps shocks sis can shed some light.

It is the "Forklift Replacement Syndrome." Instead of replacing little bits and pieces and parts that were no longer functioning, no, the Mid-Lifer replaces the whole lot in one big set of actions, going as far as they possibly can to eliminate their old lives and any reminder thereof.... Unfortunately, this includes their spouse, their kids, their friends and everything and anything else because any reminders of those things also serves to remind them of all the crap they have pulled along the way...
  • Logged
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

B
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 549
  • Gender: Female
Interesting UM. It explains the vanishers. I have no idea where my MLCer fits. It does seem as though he’s replaced us with the complete opposite. He’s of course replaced me with OW and his kids with her kids, and living an opposite life (that’s all text book).
As well as dismissing anyone that isn’t supporting his new life or anyone who may challenge him. Avoidant of reminders of his old life as well. But on the other hand he’s still holding on to the ‘idea’ that he’s a great dad and can’t bear the thought of people thinking otherwise- He was a great dad and person but isn’t anymore.
 

“People become manipulative when they are afraid of losing something of value to them. This can range from fear of losing an actual person or losing a perception that someone has of them”

Even knowing this I can’t get my head around (and prob never will) the way in which he seems to be living a life with someone else’s child whilst not having his own with him. They’re not even just there in the background- he is fully involved- makes their lunches, goes to their school productions and drives them everywhere- bonkers!

Hes still in contact with his family but only if they go along with his rules and don’t challenge him. He isn’t nearly as close to them as he was. Currently hes fully absorbed in OW’s family. I wonder if as time goes this forklift replacement syndrome becomes more obvious and esp after the court stuff is over- it’s possible he will disappear.
  • Logged

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10261
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
He, like my xW, is surrounding himself with enablers.... Those are the ones that do NOT hold him accountable for his previous deeds... Anyone that does is summarily deleted from Mid-Lifer's life..... because the Mid-Lifer does NOT want to be reminded of his deeds or be held accountable for them because that would mean having to face the truth and feel guilt or even remorse about it... By surrounding themselves with the rah-rah-Cheerleading squad, they can ignore or sequester the guilt...
  • Logged
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

B
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 549
  • Gender: Female
So MLCer has announced that he will be proposing to OW this week on their holiday. Showed the kids the ring. In fact told them along with her d9 as of course doesn’t see any difference between her and his own blood. They said they looked the other way but he didn’t notice. So all done in pure selfish, insensitive, narcissistic way. The proposal will be 2 years after BD & 2 months since D finalised. High energy MLCer still going strong with no sign of burn out! Not sure what’s left- I think he’s done it all! Maybe a baby but at 51 not sure she can- well she’s obviously fertile as she has 4 so really wouldn’t put it past her.

I’m not surprised because it’s what I was expecting.

What’s worse is that soon after hearing this news I received a letter saying he’s left the house for me to clear (I live in another city now) and when I moved I took only what was for me & kids, cleaned & left it in a reasonable condition. I singlehanded packed our lives up in boxes and grieved......He ran away. I even left sentimental things like fathers day cards etc for him.

Since then he’s been back in & basically trashed it. Taken the furniture he wants and left the rest for me in a mess. So we were meant to complete on the house by 1st Oct but he’s actually on holiday with OW getting engaged. And whilst he’s away he is expecting me to take a day off, travel back, clear the house which will cost me more than I have, all whilst he’s away & when he returns the house will be sold & he’ll have the money in his bank!! In fact he sent a solicitors letter saying he “insists” I do this. Well.,,he’s not my H anymore or my problem so he can insist away but I’m not doing it 😀! Part of me feels I just should to get it done and sold. But mostly because I feel the need to take back some control & power from such a controlling MLCer. I’m in no rush to sell as he’s been court ordered to pay the mortgage & it’s him that has a wedding to pay for while I’m at my parents. So it will be waiting for him when he gets back 😀

So my neighbour went in the house and took some pics for me. She said it was soo weird how he left it. The kids name letters were still on the wall & it was like he rummaged through everything & just couldn’t bear to be there any longer....so ran again. First time he had to face some of what he’s run from. An empty house with reminders of his old life & pictures left behind of us. I left all the cards & pics he gave me to. So he has actually taken the pics of him & girls but they said he’s cut me out!!!! WTF?!! I know he’s trying to delete me- but to physically cut me out of pics for our kids to see is going a bit far no?? Has anyone else had this? I really wouldn’t be surprised if he sticks a pic of OW in my place- no really! It’s clearly not normal.

So he was obviously not able to tolerate any of those emotions so of course has run further into the tunnel. And in full monster mode with lots of escape behaviours- proposing to OW being one of them.

I had a mini melt down yesterday & shed some tears. I haven’t done that in a while because although I waste my thoughts on him still, I haven’t wasted my tears in a while. A HS friend texted me some great and much needed words which pulled me out of it and got me back on track.

Got some difficult moments coming up with the sham wedding and it being rubbed in my face as it’s still very important for H to hurt me. He’s not reached any kind of indifference to me yet- can’t wait for that day! And if anyone’s been following my story will remember that I have had moments of fear and anxiety due to his abusive and unpredictable behaviour. However since I’ve moved closer to my family I have a view from a safe distance. I am going to work extremely hard to be a passive observer and sit back with my popcorn and wine and watch the show (train crash). Just have to equip my girls with the necessary tools to get through whilst sat in the front row. Humour has got to be the only way. Everyone is telling me- he’s just making such a fool of himself and it’s laughable. Esp as she’s such an AD and so after his money.

Watch this space! Although will prob be like watching paint dry
  • Logged

F
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1056
  • Gender: Female
Oh goodness!!!  Why are they so childish, self centered and unable to let go of us completely.  In a normal world, if he is remarrying, he should have no need to rub you face in it.

You are doing great!  Enjoy your view from a distance!!
  • Logged
Married 20 years
Husband is 43
Me-39
4 kids 6-15 years old

BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).
Spring 2019 H agreed to put off the divorce another school year to keep the kids and I from moving back to TX.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10261
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
He "insists" that you do this?



What part of "No." does he not understand?
  • Logged
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10340
  • Gender: Female
Gosh, I wonder if it's a new MLC 'fashion' trend?  ::)
There seem to be a few of us with speedy remarriages on HS now so you're not alone.

Lots of mixed emotions, I'm sure, even though you are focusing on life away from crazy.
See it as their karma...one more set of consequences.
Wouldn't even bother with the popcorn. You win if you shrug and look Whatevs about it. By all means support your girls if they have to show up at this spectacle but tbh in your head I would just think of it like some kind of BS family party. On a positive note, maybe it will distract him from being a PITA to you for a while.

And yup, agree completely about saying no to the house. Not your job is it? Or circus. Unless you want your neighbour to retrieve a few things from the house. Let him do adulting or get his new wife appliance to do it....you're busy washing your hair and GAL  :)
  • Logged
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

B
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 549
  • Gender: Female
Finding Joy- his favourite thing to do is rub my face in it. Right from the beginning since BD it’s all been about getting a reaction from me.

UM- 😂. He used the exact word “insist” and that’s what got my back up. Makes me want to do the opposite & dig my heals in more. However I’ve had a day to calm down and think about it with less emotion (getting news of engagement, holiday with OW & house at the same time would make anyone emotional I think  :o) . I’m not going to do it but I need that house to be sold and to be done with this. I’m going to end up spending more money through L correspondence with MLCer and may end up doing it in the end anyway. So I’m just going to get him to agree in writing that he gets a company in to clear it and split the cost. Yes I should not have to pay anymore and it fills me with rage that he’s paying nothing for the kids, is on triple salary to me, can afford a holiday with OW and a ring but can’t pay for this. Which BTW would have been cheaper than the letter he paid to send me- crazy MLCer! Of course there’s every reason he could still refuse especially after he reads my statement for children court case next month- ruined his little holiday I’m sure  :D.

 I can predict what will happen- OW will console him and wind him up and he will end up refusing. So may end up doing it all myself in the end anyway. As much as I don’t want to give in to his abuse and control- my peace of mind, sanity and emotional well-being is worth more. So may give him satisfaction and a sense of power but it’s short lived.

I’m so sick of being the bigger person! Wish I could be a selfish MLCer just for a short while so I could be selfish and just feel nothing.

Gosh, I wonder if it's a new MLC 'fashion' trend?  ::)
There seem to be a few of us with speedy remarriages on HS now so you're not alone.

Lots of mixed emotions, I'm sure, even though you are focusing on life away from crazy.
See it as their karma...one more set of consequences.
Wouldn't even bother with the popcorn. You win if you shrug and look Whatevs about it. By all means support your girls if they have to show up at this spectacle but tbh in your head I would just think of it like some kind of BS family party. On a positive note, maybe it will distract him from being a PITA to you for a while.

And yup, agree completely about saying no to the house. Not your job is it? Or circus. Unless you want your neighbour to retrieve a few things from the house. Let him do adulting or get his new wife appliance to do it....you're busy washing your hair and GAL  :)


Treasure yes lots of mixed emotions. Being busy with the house and court hearing is probably helping me to stay angry rather than sad. His monster behaviours are driving me forward. But also distracting me from thinking about it. When all that’s done I’ll have no choice but to face it and process it. I don’t think I’ve even processed the D being finalised and now have this to contend with.  There’s a whole lot more rubbing in my face to come. Gonna have to dig even deeper to turn away and keep raising above it. Treasure yes there are a few of us who’s MLCer are high energy and burning through the checklist at top speed. Not sure if it’s better to rip the band aid off all in one go and get it all out of the way. What’s left? A baby perhaps? She’s 51 but I really would not be surprised 😮
  • Logged

B
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 549
  • Gender: Female
Oh & further proof of fogged up brain- he referred to holiday me & girls went on at beginning of the year to a certain city in US to see family as somewhere else completely random, in a different state. I lived in this city as a child, about if my family live there & he’s been there with me. There’s no way old ‘normal’ H would have forgotten the name of that city. I’m pretty much no contact so I do hold on to these little nuggets or direct evidence to remind me of this.
  • Logged

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10261
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Well, you could always "insist" then that any costs associated with the clean-up are born by him or will be recovered from teh proceeds of the sale of the house prior to distribution of funds... THAT ought to get his knickers in a right twist...
  • Logged
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.