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Author Topic: My Story New chapter.....hope of living, breathing & healing despite never ending MLC

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Further issues with the house. Despite how much of a monster my MLCer has been his actions never seize to shock and disgust me. He has of course outright refused to clear the mess he made or the house. It will cost me more to fight it so will know just have to bite the bullet and get it sorted just so it’s done and I can rid of the house that he’s using to control me.

Not only that but he’s now gone in and removed a fitted sink unit which should not have been removed as it’s part of the sale. His response toy solicitors letter was that it’s not his responsibility (I’m yes it is) to do anything in the house and that he had to remove the sink unit from the outhouse because there was a leak. And that i didn’t turn the electric off when I moved (had to be left on as people were viewing the property) and that I could have burnt the house down.

Now this is what has unnerved me to my core. Shortly before we moved out he kept asking the girls if there was a leak in the outhouse. It made me paranoid that he had access to the outhouse while I was at work (I changed the locks to the house but not the outhouse). I had it checked and there was no leak found. So he could be lying (strong possibility) but too much of a coincidence. What is so disturbing is that IF he did identify a leak and there was a risk of a fire why would he not inform anyone and run the risk of a fire whilst his children live in that house!!!

He now has the nerve to say he will be sending me the invoice for it. This to me is truly psychopathic behaviour- I really don’t know if this is still MLC or that he’s been a psychopath all along despite no evidence of this before?? People often say they become selfish and don’t care about anything or anyone else inc their children. But that they do not do it purposely and it’s not personal. It’s pretty obvious that he’s so determined to get to me and destroy me at any cost. Anyone have any ideas about this??
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« Last Edit: October 03, 2019, 03:03:25 AM by Thunder »

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BS, as I remember your h had a pattern of control and spitting rage post BD. This just sounds like more of the same, like a rabid terrier looking for a fight really. Deal with the practicalities but show him no emotional response at all even in legal letters. Just the facts and a flavour of 'whatevs'.

Don't worry about the why's of crazy stuff or the balance of truth/lies. Right now, practically speaking, it doesn't matter. Let your L deal with as much as you can and recognise than in a years time, a sink won't matter that much in your life. Whereas freeing yourself from his control will....practically and emotionally. The house is the last big concrete thing, I think? And then it is just about becoming the greyest grey rock when it comes to the kids and visitation. Part of escaping the emotional control is as I know you know gradually no longer caring about what they think or why they do what they do. Imagine him in your head as a kind of mangy rather ugly small terrier yapping and trying to nip your ankles.... :)
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« Last Edit: October 02, 2019, 08:29:44 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

B
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BS, as I remember your h had a pattern of control and spitting rage post BD. This just sounds like more of the same, like a rabid terrier looking for a fight really. Deal with the practicalities but show him no emotional response at all even in legal letters. Just the facts and a flavour of 'whatevs'.

Don't worry about the why's of crazy stuff or the balance of truth/lies. Right now, practically speaking, it doesn't matter. Let your L deal with as much as you can and recognise than in a years time, a sink won't matter that much in your life. Whereas freeing yourself from his control will....practically and emotionally. The house is the last big concrete thing, I think? And then it is just about becoming the greyest grey rock when it comes to the kids and visitation. Part of escaping the emotional control is as I know you know gradually no longer caring about what they think or why they do what they do. Imagine him in your head as a kind of mangy rather ugly small terrier yapping and trying to nip your ankles.... :)

Treasure I like the image of a terrier. Unfortunately he just gets worse and is more of a Rottweiler. It feels like his rage towards me is never ending- it’s just not burning out what ever I do- react, don’t react, show kindness, grey rock him, apply strict boundaries- NOTHING is working.

I did in fact return to the property this weekend & spent the day with my 68 year old dad & uncle- cleaning his mess & dismantling furniture. I paid over £200 to have it cleared. I thought he will never agree to pay so I just need to get it done & the money is worth it for peace of mind & to be rid before he does any further damage. It was hard enough returning to that house but I was horrified to find that he had left it in such a mess of course just to get to me. For example he took a freezer from the garage but left meat from it in the floor (he knows I’m strict vegetarian) , took all the light bulbs so I struggled to see the rooms to clean etc etc. All while he was sunning himself on his holiday proposing to OW. The injustice of it all is what I’m finding the hardest. He’s an absolute monster & I have none of the compassion I once had- its all gone! I can’t imagine ever getting that back. I can’t see myself ever feeling sorry for him.

I thought I had a small victory when I ignored his solicitors letter & communicated directly with him about the kids which we actually got sorted in the end- although he ignored my message for 2 days & I had to chase him. But I spoke to soon when the kids told me he completely twisted it saying I was a liar & made up some strange irrational story. Thank god they know who the liar is & I have messages to prove it. There was literally no reason at all as he got what he wanted & so
did I. It was only a minor issue. I think I’m still trying to use my rational brain to understand his jumbled MLC brain.

So the house saga continues! Despite me clearing the property the buyers survey has come back with issues that need sorting. I now  dread to think how we are going to sort that. I have no money left to pay for anything else & I can’t return to the property as I’m in a different city & work. I’m sure he will refuse to do or pay anything. He will use any opportunity to try and cause me pain or abuse me in any way he can and the house is still a means to do that.

More importantly I have court hearing for the kids next Tuesday. It’s going to be a tough one as my solicitor has advised he may get what he wants and that I may want to consider agreeing and avoiding court. I can’t do that as it would destroy my girls so I have to fight it despite the odds. HS friends please send me positive vibes for the day- I need them more than ever. I’m afraid of my reaction if this happens. It will destroy me and I will lose compete faith that there’s any justice in the world. I’m trying to be as positive as I can however and have to do my best to fight it.

I’m afraid that although I’m moving forward and rebuilding my life in a positive way I’m still way to reactive to him emotionally. Treasure I do need to somehow get to the point where I can be grey rock but sometimes feel like I’m going to explode with the emotion. I’m an emotional person and struggle to switch it off. I wear my heart on my sleeve and unfortunately he knows that. I’m so ready to get to the point where I feel nothing.

Can anyone help me with tips on how to be grey rock?

I think it’s clear after 2 years of consistent narcissist behaviour from him that old him is completely gone and has been replaced with a manipulative, selfish, dishonest and to be honest dangerous man. I have no doubt that had he not run away and if I had not gone no contact- he is capable of being physically abusive. I’ve had the emotional, financial and psychological abuse so that’s all that’s left. The level of rage, control and anger when I’m not even around and am not standing in his way of his life is unbelievable to me. Or maybe that’s what’s making it worse as not seeing me  allows him to make up his own narrative and story in his head. It’s verging on delusional.

Oh and he’s put a ring on the hag and getting married next year apparently. Told the girls that OW will be there step mum and her daughter and son their step sister and brother. Also spending all his money from the house sale on extending her house- crazy fool. I’m hoping the engagement will keep him busy enough & he leaves us alone- anyone experienced that?

At the beginning of this I did doubt that he was having a MLC and wondered if he was just a runaway spouse. But he is literally ticking every single box. The one thing he didn’t tick at the time was drinking- as he was as t total for years and years and hated alcohol but of
course he’s now drinking to.
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First of all, grey rock is about what you DO/SAY not what you feel. You're a normal human being, BS, you're allowed to have emotions lol....just not to show them to your xh or other flying monkeys.

The purpose of grey rock is twofold I think.
One is to not give them ammunition. As angry disordered people can create WW3 from a conversation about socks, that means giving them as little information as possible. Bare facts. No commentary. No opinion. No emotion. Ok, yes, Tuesday at 6pm is as far as you go if you can't go NC.
The second is that you become so boring for them to try to fight with or control that they lose interest. Cue big text rant...blah blah, sink, blah blah...response, ok. Metaphorically you starve them out.

I am sending you prayers and positive thoughts for Tuesday, BS.

But I want to add two suggestions that I hope will help although they aren't easy to swallow I know.
Fear makes everything look bigger than it is. Which is why I want you to think of your xh as a yappy incontinent terrier with bad teeth rather than a big scary Rottweiler. Partly bc he wants you to be afraid, mostly bc it is the truth. There is a time when we have to make the mental shift of seeing our spouse as no longer a Labrador, that's true, in order to protect ourselves and you've done that. But it is important too to not make them more powerful in our minds than they actually are. How we think can have a tremendous effect on how we feel and act.

The second - without knowing the ins and outs of the court case other than it is about your kids - is to trust that you and your girls will be ok whatever happens. Bc you will find a way to make it ok. How do I know that? Bc you already have, BS. Trust that even if it doesn't turn out exactly how you want, you will find a way to make it ok and to support your kids no matter what happens. Bc that is the truth. Bc things evolve and we learn as we go. Bc you are a good mother who has done everything you can to support and love your kids through this and you will carry on doing that. You can take that to the bank as an absolute truth imho. Just trust yourself. X
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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First of all, grey rock is about what you DO/SAY not what you feel. You're a normal human being, BS, you're allowed to have emotions lol....just not to show them to your xh or other flying monkeys.

Do you think they can sense our emotions? I havent had any contact with him apart from about the kids and have been keeping all emotions out of any communication with him.  However through legal battles (court statements) its hard not to react to his behaviours as it supports my case to articulate his crazy behaviours...but I guess in a way it is showing him im still bothered.


One is to not give them ammunition. As angry disordered people can create WW3 from a conversation about socks, that means giving them as little information as possible. Bare facts. No commentary. No opinion. No emotion. Ok, yes, Tuesday at 6pm is as far as you go if you can't go NC.
The second is that you become so boring for them to try to fight with or control that they lose interest. Cue big text rant...blah blah, sink, blah blah...response, ok. Metaphorically you starve them out.

Im getting better at this.  But messed up with giving too much info in a text about the kids the other day.  He completely used the tiniest bit of info to twist and lie about it.  The message like you say should have been just bare facts- it was 2 sentences when it really only needed to be one.  All the other stuff about the house etc is all through solicitors as I just can not communicate with him- his mind is so distorted and disordered right now.  Im getting more confident with ignoring even solicitors letters.  It annoyed him that he didnt get an expensive response and my solicitor just informed his solicitor that I did not feel it was necessary to send a letter in response and I would be communicating with him directly (partly because we cant communicate like this forever- ill be bankrupt)- he was wound up that I ignore it so he punishes me by twisting my text message and telling the girls I was lying about something when I clearly wasn’t- it’s infuriating.  Im glad the girls know the truth.

But I want to add two suggestions that I hope will help although they aren't easy to swallow I know.
Fear makes everything look bigger than it is. Which is why I want you to think of your xh as a yappy incontinent terrier with bad teeth rather than a big scary Rottweiler.

This is soo true Treasure.  I do need to see him like more of a funny character rather than a scary one. Fear is the biggest emotion holding me back.  I have soo much fear..fear of whats going to happen on Tuesday, fear of being alone forever, fear of bringing the girls up alone, fear of how they will cope and their future, fear of future finances, fear of being hurt again.......

Im a typical sensible Capricorn and ive always had certainty in my life.  Ive always had a future plan from the when I was a child and...I was soo lucky with hard work and determination that I got everything I planned for..my career, the age I got married, had my kids and soo many other thing until it all went wrong and it was ALL thrown in the air by this horrendous MLC hell.  And now when I should be enjoying the effects of all that hard work...Im left with not knowing what will happen next month or what my life is going to look like.  Its terrifying. 

The second - without knowing the ins and outs of the court case other than it is about your kids - is to trust that you and your girls will be ok whatever happens. Bc you will find a way to make it ok.

This is where I just have to have faith that god or the universe has a plan and that like you say it will all be ok. 

Bc you are a good mother who has done everything you can to support and love your kids through this and you will carry on doing that. You can take that to the bank as an absolute truth imho. Just trust yourself. X

Thank you for these words Treasure and the vote of confidence.  Im not the perfect mother and ive made plenty of mistakes, things that I wish I had done differently but im good enough.  And I absolutely love my kids more than anything in this world and will do my absolute best to protect them.  They are what keep me going each day.  They drive me forward and in my darkest of moments I thank god I have them as I really do not know what I would have done in those moments if I didnt have their beautiful faces in my head. 

I am sending you prayers and positive thoughts for Tuesday, BS.

Thank you Treasure and I will keep you all posted about the outcome.   

Ill be glad when its over and the house is sold.  I hope it will allow me to really put grey rock in to practice and take his power away. 

He’s seeking soo much attention from me...negative attention.  Its obvious to everyone around us and like you say hopefully he will get bored when I get better at grey rock and he stops.  I cant wait for that day. 
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« Last Edit: October 12, 2019, 01:17:05 PM by Bewildered survivor »

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Hi BS. I’ve only just managed to catch up on your thread. However one thing that stands out to me is you are a very strong person. You in yourself may not feel strong but you are. Your facing all your challenges head on and I know it reallt is hard to do. Your right you may not be the perfect mother I mean heck who is? However you are a mother that has done nothing but put your children first and despite everything they will remember who was there for them when they needed it. Children aren’t stupid my dear. I don’t reallt have much practical advice to offer you that hasn’t already been said. But I hope things are dying down for you or they are least will do soon!
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Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

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Hi BS. I’ve only just managed to catch up on your thread. However one thing that stands out to me is you are a very strong person. You in yourself may not feel strong but you are. Your facing all your challenges head on and I know it reallt is hard to do. Your right you may not be the perfect mother I mean heck who is? However you are a mother that has done nothing but put your children first and despite everything they will remember who was there for them when they needed it. Children aren’t stupid my dear. I don’t reallt have much practical advice to offer you that hasn’t already been said. But I hope things are dying down for you or they are least will do soon!

Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement sachat3.

Up-date. Long post warning...

9th time in court the other day and second set of children’s proceedings.  Its the most nervous ive been as I was very worried about the outcome.  The outcome could have been disastrous for my children's future wellbeing as MLCer was asking for more than half weekends and extra school holidays.  As we now live in separate cites an hour away (which I had to go through court last year to get permission to move).  So the girls hate staying at OW’s alternative weekends.  They are ignored and not prioritised and as you will know from my story are emotionally abused in my opinion.

So I went to court in the morning with my warrior suit firmly on and ready for a long battle in court like last time of being cross examined etc and having to see xh who I hardly see now. My barrister was the same one as last year.  When she saw me the first thing she said was “you thrashed him in court last time and hes never gotten over it- thats why your back.  Its all about winning for him”.  She psyched me up saying I did soo well in court last time and he came across really badly.  She reminded me that I was extremely lucky to have got a residency order which are very rare these days and permission to move as he was determined to stop us from moving.

So I was more confident and ready.  Well the court then said they had over listed and did not have time for a proper contested hearing.  They said we either adjourn or they had time for our barristers to give submissions and they would give a ruling based on our statements and submissions.  This meant that we couldn’t give evidence and barristers would speak for us.  I was very conflicted about this as I thought if he wins then I will feel like I didnt get a proper trial and was not heard and wouldn’t be able to appeal.  In the meantime we were trying to agree things between barristers outside of the court room. Of course xh wouldn’t budge and my barrister said that his barrister was more sensible this time and was trying to get him to accept my offer which she felt was generous and in the girls best intrest- so she was advising him that she didnt think he would win.

We then went in to court to discuss the fact that we might accept the trial on submissions.  Thats when I discovered it was the same judge as last time.  She remembered us (well couldnt forget as last time was so horrendous and soo long).  She basically was on my side and it came across.  She told xh off (he was apparently fuming that he was spoken to like a naughty school boy..well  :o).  She told him his children were not objects and that they would naturally spend more time with me as their mother and that he needed to think about them more.  She even put my original proposal back on the table- him coming to see them in our city rather than dragging them to OW’s. I was advised to take this off the table as it wouldn’t be agreed before court.

Well I walked out of there feeling very confident that not only would I win but she was going to make him travel to see the girls which would be the best outcome for them.  She totally understood the situation and I think my statement in which I presented everything- the abuse etc with evidence and examples must of helped.  I made my decision to change my proposal and go for trial based on submissions.

Well after that...disaster struck and they had an emergency case in and said they had no time for even submissions and that we had to adjourn and come back next week.  Next weeks hearing would have meant that I needed a new barrister in a week as this one was not available and it would be a different judge- plus the cost of doing it all again.  This was at 4pm and the judges said they were leaving at 5.  I was devastated and in tears.  I asked my barrister as a last ditch attempt to avoid coming back to try and get him to agree my initial proposal.  So she put that to his barrister.  He of course had to speak to OW all through it.  And then at 4.55- agreed!  First time ever!  I think after the way the judge spoke to him and finally having a barrister that was advising him in the right way he did not want to risk coming back to court and losing again.

So the order is agreed and signed in court so he cant take me back to court to try and change it- unless he thinks theres a breech.  Ive been very generous to give him way more than half the school holidays and alternative weekends but I made that sacrifice based on it being better for the girls than having to spend more weekends there.  Weekends when they will want to spend time in their own city, doing their own things with their own friends as opposed to tagging along with his new family.

What a rollercoaster and the stress of it all has just hit me now that its over.

Although I am relieved I really still feels sad.  There are no winners..least of all our children.  I cant believe hes really lost everything including his children who were soo precious to him.  Seeing them at weekends and holidays is not being a proper dad.  He has no involvement in their day to day real life.  He turned done my offer for him to be involved in this because he didnt want to come and see them without ow and her daughter...or she wont let him.  As we know the hardest thing is that he is treated her daughter as if she is his own flesh and blood.  He will be more involved in her day to day life than his own children’s.  This is the most tragic thing.  My girls will never be second best to anyone and I hope one day they grow up and know they are worth soo much more. 

I am now bracing myself for major monster.  Thats what I get every time he doesnt get his way.  Ive already had it.  Got a solicitors letter saying he now thinks the sale of the house is not happening quick enough (hes the one that is sabotaging it and delaying it!) and that he wants to put it on the market with another agent.  And wait for it....wants to move back in to it himself whilst he tries to sell it.  The sale is about to be competed.  We are only a couple of weeks away from it.  we have a cash offer and are paying the estate agent a very reduced fee as I found the buyer before we listed with them.  It then clicked that of course....he is extending OW’s house so will want to move her and her kids in to our house whilst that happens.  Not forgetting that I am unable to apply for child maintenance until the house is sold as it states in the order as hes paying the mortgage!! Can this man sink any lower?? Oh and made me clean the house for him and OW to move in! How on earth can he live in a house full of memories of our life without his own children and have OW and her children there?  Not forgetting that our children would have to visit him at their old house and be guest to OW’s daughter!

Well I checked this out and he can not do this without my permission.  I have made sure the estate agent and the solicitor is aware that I do not agree and that the current sale is going through. 

I just can not see anything waking this man up ever.  He’s practically lost everything.  But of course can not see this.  What’s worse is that in his journey to make himself happy, fill the void and forget his old life...he will now always blame it on me for moving away and him losing his kids.  This will be the new narrative.

My bff said to me the day before court that it will be hard for me to see him in court after finding out about his engagement.  Well its then that I realised i dont give a flying fire truck about his engagement or marrying her.  Its the first time my heart hasnt hurt and the first time I have felt no emotion apart from anger...but thats more about what he is doing to the kids.  Could this mean that I have finally dropped the rope??  Or maybe just for  short while?  You would think that after all the horrendous monstrous things he has done I would have dropped it a long time ago.  I still grieve the old H and our old life but really want nothing to do with this man....OW can have my broken H, my broken furniture and even my broken house....shes welcome to the lot.  As long as I have my girls!

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s
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I think your H is a very very disturbed man. Your barrister was right. He just wants to win and will keep going till he wins something but really he’s after winning a battle and not focusing on the war. There will come a point when his kids won’t want to know him all because he pushed and pushed and maybe won one teeny tiny battle? Crazy! I always think of these MLCers being professor quarrel in Harry Potter. Looks like the MLCer. Voice is the same as the MLCer but really it’s Voldemort. I could understand these Ow fighting and fighting to win the MLCer it it was the old one. The one we met but what are they winning? A man that can ditch his own kids? A man that focuses all his energy trying to beat his ex in court? Yeah good one. Amazing prize that!

BS - you reallt are handling this like a pro!
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Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

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I think disturbed is the right word sachat3.

And just when I think he couldn’t be anymore disturbed than he is- he does something else soo absolutely monstrous.

Latest is that he took OW’s D to our house. Prob so she can size it up for her things 😡. Our girls names are still glued to the walls in their bedrooms! If he is able to live in that house without his kids and with OW’s kids in their bedrooms I would have no choice but to believe this man is absolutely either possessed by the devil or that he is psychopathic. How else can you do that with absolutely no emotion?? He’s currently replacing things in OW’s house but refusing to buy essential things for his kids. I’m trying my best (without any child maintenance) to make sure my kids don’t go without by working 2 jobs etc and he won’t even buy them £2 Halloween tickets. As they were being sold on the day he picked them up from school I wasn’t able to get anymore as they are now sold out. I did not expect (not sure why) that he wouldn’t have bought them. The girls just say that he fobs them off by changing the subject whenever they ask for these things.

When I feel soo overwhelmed with anger I really don’t think I handle anything like a pro. I may not show any of this to him but it eats me up and I don’t like that. I just wish I could get to a place when I think- well what did I expect and just move on as if he doesn’t exist. Having expectations (even the smallest ones) are keeping me stuck. I just need to expect the worst and so when he isnt such a monster (not seen any evidence of that in 2 years) then I’m pleasantly surprised.
I’ll let you know when I get there as I will be celebrating.
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s
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I think the way he’s acting it’s normal to feel anger towards him so honestly don’t beat yourself up about it. I can’t believe he would even want to live in that house but WOW. You really can’t make this sh!t up can you!
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Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

 

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