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Author Topic: My Story New chapter.....hope of living, breathing & healing despite never ending MLC

B
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You really can’t make this sh!t up can you!

No you really can not make this Sh!t up! Even after over 2 years I still feel like I’m in twilight zone & im gonna wake up from this nightmare with everything back to normal.
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"You have just entered.....



Also known as the world of Bat Snot Crazy, Tornado Town, and a few other choice Monikers...

If the sale is going through in a couple of weeks, then he is jumping the gun a bit to take his "new and improved" family in there to measure things up...

I think that "disturbed" doesn't begin the describe his state....
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« Last Edit: October 23, 2019, 03:24:36 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

B
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So the house is finally sold!


After trashing the house, threatening to move into it with OW etc it's finally gone.

My friend bought it. Although she was initially my friend, her & her husband became both of our friends. In fact MLCer helped them.buy their home a few years back. After BD my friend obviously supported me & the kids but when she saw him on the street she always said hi to him & was never rude to him. But it was obvious who was wrong as he was flaunting OW. Thankfully she works with me in mental health & could clearly see he was having some kind of crisis.  She saw the massive change in his personality.

Well she made a very good cash offer on the house that couldn't have been beaten. But for some reason (well appart from him having a MLC & being barking mad) MLCer made her an enemy. He's made it so difficult for them to buy it.

 When I moved out of the city he refused to cut the lawn & told neighbour the new buyers could do it with a smirk. Then he took all the light bulbs & a whole sink unit which should have been left behind & trashed it. Now since she's moved in she said he's taken a key to the gas metre, is refusing to give his set of keys back to the agent (girls heard him say to ow that he's not gonna give them back) & went to the property & pissed in the toilet & didn't flush it! What on earth have they done to him apart from having an association with me?? He hates me (we established that a while ago), my parents for making me, my siblings for sharing the same blood as me & any of my friends just for bring my friends!

I of course had mixed feelings about the house being sold. We bought that house with such excitement & anticipation for the future ahead. D10 was only 9 months & D8 was born there. It was where they learnt to walk, talk & play. Soo many happy memories. It was our dream forever home. But after BD it became a prison for me. All I heard was echoes of our old life. I no longer felt safe there- anyone who has followed my story will know about calling the police, changing the locks & the many sleepless nights pacing the house & garden.  It basically became just became bricks & mortar. It also became a weapon he used to control me e.g.- stopped paying bills, would come in the house & disconnect things, was actually coming in the house morning & night whistling & lying on my bed whilst I got ready (wow that was crazy). So although me & more so the kids were sad to see it go- I felt more realif as I just feel a real compulsion to cut as many ties with this abusive man as possible to protect myself.

Well as controlling as my MLCer is I knew there would be repercussions. The day the house sold I got a solicitors letter about the kids. The letter was about nothing really & he wasted so much money sending it. It was due to an error I made about the kids arrangements (first time in over 2 years) & there was no harm done as I made sure they were there at the right time.  But now he won't let it go.  He used it as an opportunity to send me a patronising letter with a whole year mapped out but made so many mistakes!! I've instructed my solicitor to not respond to him anymore as I can't afford it after 9 court cases.  So what happens when you ignore a narcissist- they up the ante!!!

So now I have to go back to dealing with him directly about the kids after using solicitors to communicate all this time. After such a while of no contact I've now realised that he's as irrational & monstrous as ever & still after 2 years & 3 months since BD is prob in the darkest part of the tunnel.

I've just had a conflict fueled text interaction with him. He requested to have the girls on my weekend for his nieces party. He only informed me if it a week in advance & he's known about it since the beginning of September! I bent over backwards to change things so they could go & I got nothing rational back from him & in the end it became my fault that they might miss it- I didn't even say no  :o! If it was important to him & his sister that they be there then she should have arranged it on the weekend he has them as my sister did and he would have asked me when he got the invite or even in court in October. I suspect he forgot & his sister chased him as I got a message asking me on the last day of the RSVP.

So for the first time in over a year I had a rant back. His messages were so rude, controlling & condescending that I really couldn't help saying my piece (it really wasn't as bad as it could have been)! It actually felt good knowing I don't have to worry about what I say due to court. But I'm fully aware of the fact that I've now just fed the monster when I'm meant to be grey rock!!

I'm really going to need some help & reminders on how to deal with communication with him again. I'm not pleased with myself that he wound me up so much or that I responded.  So after sending that whatsapp message I turned my phone off. I saw that he was typing a reply. I wish I could just not read it as he would see that I've ignored him. Do I just not read if?? What if it's to do with the kids?? What do I do?? Help!!  :-[
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As someone else said here, your xh's cheese has slid right off his cracker hasn't it? Good news about the house but what a weird way to behave. One more reminder though that this was never about you.

Suspect you will need some rock solid boundaries bc it is entirely predictable, given his penchant for control, that he will try to use communication about the kids to try to bait you.

Google 'grey rock'? Do not try to be 'nice' about changes he wants...you are not dealing with a sane decent adult, there will be no reciprocity and you are not coparenting but parallel parenting...stick to the absolute letter of the legal agreement, no more and no less, would be my suggestion. Pick a medium eg text or email that works for you. Any abuse or ranting? Ignore. Anything not related to your legal parental agreement. Ignore. Take a look at communication tips on the Out of The Fog website...BIFF and JADE. As few words as possible. Think of it as training a not very bright or pleasant puppy. Pick your boundaries and stick to them regardless of his rants or nonsense. He is your xh after all...you are no longer obliged to give any f**ks at all about what he thinks or feels. Just the legal obligations and the facts.

But you know this bc you are a tough little smart LBS cookie, so you will get there.
The odd rant is understandable but a waste of your energy with Toilet Man.  ;).
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

B
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Thanks Treasure.

I've just woken at 2am after having the weirdest dream- think the contact & like you say baiting has got to me. 

I feel like someone who's woken up with a hangover kicking herself for dpi.g something stupid.  My first thought was "why did I let him bait me?!!!" It was sop obvious that's what he was doing. After doing well for so long I feel like I've fallen off the wagon.  I feel like I've allowed him to make me feel like this. I'm scared to read bis messages because I'm scared of my reactions & how it will make me feel. I'm angry he still has this effect on me.  The communication was impossible- I wouldn't have gotten anywhere even if all I said was yes. It was like he was saying the pink, I say yes it's pink & he says no I said it's blue! Absolutely crazy making!!!

I agree with you about not giving in & sticking to the order. But I have 2 little girls that he's currently using to manipulate & as manipulation tool against me & with others. He told them about the fact that he asked me about the party. They didn't want to miss the party and he told them to ask me as well  >:(! I can't say to them that daddy wasn't really bothered about you going & nor was your aunti as she organised it on a day your with me (although who know what lies he's told her). I'm also angry with his family for just expecting me to give in because they know I'm a good mother & wouldn't want the girls to miss out. So they've manipulated me to. 

The girls were so upset and said they really wanted to go.  So of course mummy bear tries to fix everything as he's put me in an impossible position.

I'm seriously thinking of messaging his sister to say- in future if your organising a party on my weekend it's best you let me know directly.  As I'm more likely to make sure they come than your brother. I will inform her that he did not tell me until this Saturday (in case he lied to her about that). I then intend on sayaying that as you will remember I am a reasonable person who you have communicated with no problem before. And you decided to cut contact with me for whatever reason none of which was in the best interest of the girls & more to do with further burying of the head. I may add that in that time if his mouth has been open your only hearing lies.

What do you think- should I send it? It might make him realise he can't lie & manipulate if I tell her. My reluctance is that it may provoke anger back from her & his family as they're all weak cowards. They can't deal with real feelings or problems- nor can they look at themselves & like MLCer they bury their heads in the sand.

I definitely need to read grey rock stuff & get tougher & better at this. 
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B
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Ok so I’ve been up since 2am. Since my last post I’ve typed out what was meant to be a text but ended up a letter to his sister. I haven’t done it in a while but boy it felt good to get it all out. Of course now with the sun rising I no longer feel the need to send it to her. It started off about the party but ended up being about giving her an olive branch really. I thought maybe that would be the best thing (after I had my rant to her) to let her know that she can contact me directly about the kids if she ever wants to. Maybe I’ll send it one day but today’s not the day. Nor will it make any difference- will just give me more anxiety. I just need a break from it all.

Who knows maybe she or her family will reach out to me one day. More chance of that then xH doing it.

So I made myself a cup of coffee and switched my phone on. I had words with myself that I was being silly avoiding it. They are only words and like you said treasure who gives a flying f*^% what he thinks anymore. I reminded myself that they are just words from a mad man in crisis. Well it really wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be! Considering after a year a half of saying nothing I told him how crazy he was and that everyone else thought he was crazy to 😬. He sent back how- I have no right to make such crazy, venomous, mad accusations and lies and that I always have to have one up on him. Talk about pure projection!!

I’m going to read everything from that website ‘in the fog’ about grey rock as I have a feeling this is only going to get worse. Especially with him losing control and prob more monster with him continuing to pretend his life is all roses with OW.
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Ah, the power and joy of the unsent email/letter.... :)

BS, I'm going to give you a metaphorical hat to try on but please remember that I am a non child owner lol. Others who know more and better can add their wisdom. Try this on....

You might be given to a teensy bit of perfectionism. A lot of mums feel that pressure, I think, and if you do it must be exacerbated in trying to protect your girls from the effects of this s$itstorm for so long. But I would like to invite you to take the Hat of Perfection off bc it may not be very useful and is probably a bit tiring? You are simply not responsible for other people's behaviour or thoughts or actions. Not your xh and not his family. You can't protect your girls from reality, and there is a good case to be made that parents don't help when they try too hard to do that. Breathe out and let it go.

Everyone touched by this situation is now having to adapt to a new normal. This normal includes a legal custody agreement. It also includes the reality that you and your xh have not yet reached a stage when it is possible for you to co-parent in an amicable and relaxed way. That time may come but it isn't here yet, so all you can do is stick to the factual agreement and not react to anything emotionally. Which is good enough....and good enough is a good enough alternative to perfectionism  :)

You call your girls 'little girls' (and I get that they will always be your babies lol and that they are not even teenagers yet)....but I would suggest that you need to find an age-appropriate way of explaining to them how this new normal is going to work. Bc it is their new normal too and they need to know what you expect of them and they can expect of you. I don't know how much you have told them about what has happened or what they think about things but you need to explain the new operating 'rules'. Something like daddy loves them but when grown ups get divorced sometimes it is difficult for them to be nice to each other for a little while so the court helps them out by making an agreement that everyone needs to stick to. That this is what you will do but unfortunately that means that the girls will sometimes not be able to go to parties or do things with Daddy if it isn't his time to have them or with you if it isn't your time to have them. And that includes your neices birthday party which is a shame. Ask them perhaps if they want to pick a nice card and gift to send....let them ask you questions or vent if they need to by all means, but be clear that you and they need to accept and stick to the new rules....and you will not be negotiating with them on it lol.

You can't stop your xh badmouthing you, blaming you or trying to BS your daughters....but tell them the basic truth and trust that they will know over time who the calm reasonable non bad mouthing parent is. (Clue: that's you)

With regard to your sil? Well, you can't influence what she thinks either and I don't know if it matters to you to do anything to foster a relationship between you and his family, or between your girls and his family. That's your call and probably depends on what has happened before. Seems to me that you are not responsible for informing them of your xh's schedule tbh...everyone involved is technically an adult after all, and quite capable of communicating with each other directly. So, you could let it go, do nothing at all, let them think what they want and arrange il family things that include your daughters between themselves on your xh's time. Bc if it is important to the family, they will figure it out.

If you had a good relationship with your sil and il family before, you could do a 'grey rock' version of an olive branch - maybe with a handwritten note included in with a card/gift for your niece - that models neutral adult. Something like 'I'm sorry that the girls can't be there as they are not with xh that day/weekend but they wanted to send this card/gift to neice. We are all still in the early days of adjusting to the new court schedule that we need to go with  but I'm sure it will get easier for everyone with time. Best wishes blah blah'.

But it might be that this raises the bigger issue for you of if you want to have any active relationship with your x-il family at all or if it would work better for you to do nothing. Let xh and his family work it out between themselves. And if x-il family reach out to you directly, you could decide how/if you respond them. It's another layer of loss I know, and complicated by having kids, but it may serve you to let some relationships wither on the vine. Or at least not to take responsibility for them alone. Depends on what you want, depends on your x-ils. Some of us are dropped like hot stones; some maintain a close relationship with ils but that does have the disadvantage maybe of being a window into xh's world or indeed yours for him. Your call to make.

So, summary from a non child owner lol
Stick to the absolute letter of the agreement for now until/unless your xh behaves more rationally and reasonably. No alterations or last minute changes unless someone is dying. He won't much like it and you will lose out sometimes on how the schedule falls, but this is the new normal.
Explain it in an age-appropriate neutral way to your girls with a side order life lesson that sometimes we can't always have things the way we want them but we can always make the best of how things are.
Decide on any communication with sil directly based on what kind of direct relationship you want to have with your x-ils right now. As adults they are quite capable of organising to see your girls when they are with their father which does not need your involvement.

I appreciate that I might be sounding a bit blunt or tough-minded. I just think thatbit is easier to tell the truth, deal with how it is (and let's remember too, that wasn't by your choice right?) and easier to relax on firm boundaries over time than try to stiffen up on less firm ones. Jmo.

Oh and PS...don't be afraid of your xh. He is all spit and vinegar and the worst is well behind you. You survived that, you'll navigate your way round this too  :)
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« Last Edit: November 06, 2019, 01:00:50 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

s
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I’m no expert on this whole MLC journey. So my 2cents may not be as valuable with the exchange rate ha!

But, you say you now have to deal with MLCer direct as solicitors is too expensive. And I fully understand that. But, would it be worth using XSIL as a free solicitor. Have communication with her instead of MLCER. That stops monster and keeps you sane. I agree you should keep the court order. I’m fairly lucky my MLCer is okay to deal with. So if he asks to swap a day I try to accommodate because he has the same with me. I treat him the way he treats me. Yours isn’t doing that. So you shouldn’t. Just my opinion anyway.
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Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

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  • Mlc- Cake eater for 3 yr now vanisher
Hi bs, how are you? Xx
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Me 52
H53
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

B
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Hi all- Happy New Year!

Its been a while since I posted on my thread.  I have been reflecting on why I have struggled to come here and journal recently.  My thoughts are that since the last court case in October (9th one in 2 years) and the house sold end of November; I had a physically and mentally shut down.  I don't mean that I fell apart as I continued to function but I just couldn't verbalise or write anything about my own story and dong so just felt like I was reliving it over and over again.  I was soo emotionally and physically drained from the constant fight or flight response and struggle to believe that the court and legal stuff was over and maybe just maybe me and the girls could move forward. 

SO lets start with me and the girls for once.
Since house sold.....I have focused on sorting out my finances......Ive been working all hours (over 40 a week).   

Its like the perfectionist/controlling aspects of my personality have gone crazy.  I think its to make up for the lack of control ive had at the mercy of MLC.  So I am very focused and narrow minded at the moment on making money (pay back parents legal fees and save up for a house).  I have a very clear plan and its giving me something to focus on.  Heres the thing....there not much time for self care or GAL or mirror work.  Ive given myself a year to save as much as I can and have a goal.  Im building my reputation in my new job and my private practice seems to have taken off.  It seems as though ive directed my anger towards achieving this.  I have the fire in my belly back most days and its like I am compensating for the limbo I was in for so long.  It makes me feel better to have this goal. 

The problem is that im really not sure this is healthy.  I've almost become obsessive about it.  Its like this goal is keeping me sane and keeping me going.  Although I seem to have got past the acute pain and trauma, the sadness seems to have kicked in. Not sure if its even grief and probably more grief  for my life rather than xh. I miss my old life...my friends, my home, my job & my lifestyle.  We are living with my parents still and im extremely grateful but the novelty  and relief of getting away from old town and from xh and being closer to my family has worn off a bit.  Im missing my own space etc.  The kids are to.  They love getting all the love from their grandparents but are missing me.  They are doing great though.  Although they are missing their old friends and life they seem to be making the most of their new life and doing well at school.

Positives....work is going well.  Im in control of my finances and after xh being in control of this aspect for many years in our relationship...ive learnt soo much.  The thought of the future and doing it alone is of course daunting but my confidence is growing.  I bought a new car (another severed link to him) and getting rid of a car that xh chose for me.  I booked a holiday for me and the girls alone.  My BFF offered to join us with her son but I actually said- I would like to do this on my own.  I really need some quality time with them and its getting easier to accept that our family of 3 is ok and that we will be fine.

So MLCer....im really not sure what category he fits in.  Not sure if he is a vanisher or not.  Of course thats impossible with the kids and thankfully although he is not a good father he hasnt vanished from their lives.  However since court and since we have moved (only 45 minutes away) he no longer plays an active role in their day to day lives.  He doesnt turn up for parents evenings, appointments or achievements.  Its sad and recently D10 got an award at school....it was truly an amazing moment.  Xh was invited but didnt turn up.
 It makes me sad but its his loss. 

Ive had minimal contact with him and its been peaceful since the court stuff and house sold.  But every so often I will get an abusive message...mostly blaming, spewing monster.  Recently its been about attacking my parenting.  This is all he has.  He knows that I am doing it all alone and im doing ok...in fact doing great.  Not perfect but good enough and mostly im coping and not breaking.  I can see how much that bothers him.  Ill give some examples as I think it perfectly describes his current state of mind and stage ....I told D10 off on the phone whilst she was with her dad & OW.  It really was something that I needed to tell her there and then and had every right as her mother to do so.  Its called parenting. She knew what I was telling her off for was valid and she actually rectified it. But is a sensitive child and as a sensitive child she cried.  H used this as an excuse to send  me the most abusive message basically accusing me of being controlling and abusing her  ??? Anyone who has followed my story and most stories on here will know how ironic this is.  To top it off he mentioned how both him and OW think this about me  ???.  Again the irony...a woman who allowed a married man to move in with her and her children, has taken drugs in front of her kids and knows nothing about me has no right to comment on me as a mother??  >:(.  Well its yet more evidence that he still uses her as a tool to get to me.  If I was her and was engaged to marry this man, I would be questioning why he still feels the need to use me to hurt his x wife.  I responded (not reacted) to the message but did not acknowledge OW or even mention her.  This week accusations have been related to our D8- that by taking her to doctors for an allergic reaction (confirmed by 2 doctors and evidence sent to him) of making it up.

Thing is that hearing about him and OW doesnt hurt me like it used to and ive come a long way (lets see if I maintain this when they get married) but I still get angry with the blaming and projection.  I haven't yet reached indifference and thats where I need to be.  Im working on it.

Things dont sound like all roses over that end.  I dont know much as my eyes are off him and on me.  Girls however tell me how they heard them fighting.  First ive never had any any direct evidence of this.  Mostly they pretend its all rosy and great.  Perhaps thats why ive had these messages recently.  I really have nothing to do with him yet he still feels the need to vilify, attack and monster at me.

I have reached acceptance of the fact that the relationship between us is dead and that I am not standing for him.  At this point there is no love left as I just cant remember the love I had for old H...too much monster abuse for this lifetime.   Everyone in RL is saying you need to get out there and start dating.  Ive come to the realization that I am no way ready.  I dont have the time or energy and it costs money to date.  So 2020 is really about me and girls and rebuilding our lives.  I have gained some ibs back since living with my parents (getting fed) and so will be focusing on losing it and feeling good about me again. 

xx
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