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Author Topic: My Story New chapter.....hope of living, breathing & healing despite never ending MLC

B
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Thing is that hearing about him and OW doesnt hurt me like it used to and ive come a long way (lets see if I maintain this when they get married) but I still get angry with the blaming and projection.  I haven't yet reached indifference and thats where I need to be.  Im working on it.

Maybe I spoke to soon. Heard the wedding invites have gone out 🙄. I’m not surprised & I am at the same time. Thought he would drag out the engagement & with news of them fighting even more so. I felt a very slight shift in my body when this news came..no where near the impact it would have had on me before. Yet I’m still disappointed I even felt that. I think it may be due to the fact that his kids had to hear it from someone else on the phone, saw the invites (or the envelopes) and had to put 2 & 2 together. Again he didn’t talk to them about it, explain it...nothing. Just let them sit with that news and feel anxious about it. They don’t even know when it is.

I just want it to be over and done with. The quicker the better. It’s literally the last thing left. Unless she has a baby & that would surprise me!

It’s been nearly 2.5 years since BD and I think we’ve had it all. It’s been one thing after another. Just as you recover from one discovery...here comes another one. Having the distance and view of the crazy train from afar is more peaceful for me but my kids have front row seats. Just have to figure out how to get them through this next bit. They don’t remember life before BD so their childhood so far is MLC. It’s sad they can’t remember their dad pre BD as that person was worth remembering.
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C
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Hi Bewildered,

There's so much about your post I resonate with.

I told someone recently the bare bones of my story, a friend of a friend. She said to me 'no wonder you're still struggling - everytime you find your feet a little, something else happens, and you get re-traumatised all over again.'  That's the way it feels, and I understand the wishing for it to all be over, so healing can start.

But that's not the way this works. And if you're waiting for that line in the sand, then you and I will be waiting indefinitely.  There's always a fresh slight, a new injustice to agonise over.

My son was 3 when exH left, so he doesn't remember anything of the life when we lived under one roof.  ExH took him out to dinner at somewhere we used to go as a family, and S came home amazed at the revelation that I had been there with him AND exH once upon a time. Now his childhood memories integrate OW and OB, which I hate to my core, to my very core. 

I have a friend whose MLCer (classic case) ran off completely, abandoned her when she fell pregnant. He has never met his son, now seven. I am completely envious of her situation.  She witnesses my pain and agrees with me that she would choose her situation over mine, ours, any day.

The way I deal with the crapfest we've been handed is to deny is as far as possible. When my son is with me, he is with me 100%.  We don't talk about exH, OB or OW, and if he references them I'll nod and then move the conversation on.  It's probably not the healthiest approach - I'm guessing being able to talk about OW and OB in non-judgemental tones would be the healthier approach, but I can't really. 

I also try to get S to talk to me about any bad feelings he has.  That isn't working out so well. He tends to get overwhelmed and will want to talk about Pokemon after a couple of minutes. I figure I'll keep plugging away and try to be as affirmative around him as possible. Do your girls talk to you about their feelings without you having to prompt them all the time? I imagine mothers of girls have an easier time on the talking front - I see it in his classmates and that's how I find out what happens at school half the time - a girl will tell her mum and her mum tells me!
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« Last Edit: January 27, 2020, 04:31:19 AM by CheerHeart »
The more relaxed you are, the better you are at everything: the better you are with your loved ones, the better you are with your enemies, the better you are at your job, the better you are with yourself. - Bill Murray

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I think that is a very good point about being repeatedly re-traumatised.
In my situation, NC was necessary and possible as a way to stop it....so all I had to do was work through what had already happened lol.

From the other side (ish) of trauma fwiw.
I think the re-traumatising is linked to old thoughts and some of our expectations perhaps. It hurt me if I expected or even hoped a tiny bit that my xh would behave in a way that I thought was reasonable or recognisable or normal by my standards.

Accepting how it actually IS right now imho reduces the risk of being shocked or hurt again by it being JUST like that. Doesn't mean it feels acceptable, just that we accept it at face value as what is.

A lot of MLCers if they follow the playbook throw some extreme spaghetti at the wall in search of their new happy I think. And some of that stuff can prod the WTF sore spots maybe. Not just new marriages or new kids but strange hobbies or weird comments or dramatic changes in jobs or homes or priorities. Normal for them. Not normal to us. But accepting that it is their current normal gets us to the place where we shrug our shoulders and care less perhaps. My xh did quite a few things that were nothing to do with our relationship or his relationship with ow that left me a bit shocked. Now - although I don't look for info - I am not sure that anything he did would surprise me much. Getting divorced again? An ow for his owife? Prison for DV? Drug rehab? Being sectioned in a mental hospital? Suicide? Tattooing every inch of his body? Throwing his job in to run away to another country? Nope, none of that would surprise me. Tbh I would be more surprised if he contacted me or any of his old friends and sounded like a normal sane decent adult who knew that the world was not just about his feelings  ::)

Acceptance of how it is works like kryptonite for trauma imho. :)
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« Last Edit: January 27, 2020, 05:00:34 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Hi Bewildered.
I feel the same. I was messaging sachet3 the other day and said that when I feel I making headway moving forward, I get blocked by something ex h has done or refuses to do or avoids. My latest was the house and mortgage. I was looking forward to finishing finances and moving and now I am stuck due to ex h not paying the mortgage correctly.

I feel it is never ending at times. This invisible chain I keep trying to break and can’t seem to be able to do. Xx
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Me 52
H53
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

B
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Hi Bewildered,



And if you're waiting for that line in the sand, then you and I will be waiting indefinitely.  There's always a fresh slight, a new injustice to agonise over.


Hi CheerHeart
I agree there's always something new they are ready to hit you with.  But....WE chose weather we agonise over it or not.  Injustice is the right word and its the injustice that creates feelings of anger and resentment and thats what prevents the healing.  I dont think im waiting for a line to be drawn in the sand and especially not waiting for any kind of action from HIM to help me with that closure as im sure we all know and have learnt from experience, that waiting for that will just lead to more disappointment.  I am working on my healing and I think im getting there so was disappointed in myslef for feeling what I did when I heard the latest news.

Hi Bewildered,


My son was 3 when exH left, so he doesn't remember anything of the life when we lived under one roof.  ExH took him out to dinner at somewhere we used to go as a family, and S came home amazed at the revelation that I had been there with him AND exH once upon a time. Now his childhood memories integrate OW and OB, which I hate to my core, to my very core. 


Thats so hard and its tragic that they are too young to remember pre MLC. However the older they are they feel the same pain of having to watch the drastic changes in their parent. 

Hi Bewildered,

I also try to get S to talk to me about any bad feelings he has.  That isn't working out so well. He tends to get overwhelmed and will want to talk about Pokemon after a couple of minutes. I figure I'll keep plugging away and try to be as affirmative around him as possible. Do your girls talk to you about their feelings without you having to prompt them all the time? I imagine mothers of girls have an easier time on the talking front - I see it in his classmates and that's how I find out what happens at school half the time - a girl will tell her mum and her mum tells me!

My girls also struggle to talk about it.  Its really hard to get the right balance.  Being a psychotherapist working with children I always thought I had to get it right and make sure we didnt avoid it etc but we are all human and make mistakes and have sometimes have to make it up as we go along.  I used to thik that I had to ask abut their time with their dad and OW as otherwise I wouldn't be acknowledging a whole other aspect of their life. What I found out was that they didnt want to relive it once they came home.  They are coping by compartmentalizing and I think thats ok if thats what gets them through.  When they are with him any thoughts of me and home makes it harder for them to be there.  The two environments are soo different that they have to wear a different mask when they are there. What I have learnt is thats ok.  As long as when they come home to me they dont feel they need to wear a mask and they can be themselves.  So when they come home from there I ask how they're weekend was and was everything ok.  They normally just say it was fine and then when they have something to say they tell me in dribs and drabs over the week.  So we dont avoid talking about their dad but dont go out of our way to avoid it either.  I want them to feel comfortable enough to come to me without any fear.  Not sure being girls makes them any more willing to talk as one of my girls is soo different from the other.  What a shame that theyre childhoods have been snatched away.  What ever time I have with them im trying really hard to be fully present (was soo away with the fairies after BD), to enjoy the simple things with them....going to the park, having cuddles on the sofa, watching a movie and just laughing again.  Its these simple moments that will help them and you.
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B
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I also try to get S to talk to me about any bad feelings he has.  That isn't working out so well. He tends to get overwhelmed and will want to talk about Pokemon after a couple of minutes. I figure I'll keep plugging away and try to be as affirmative around him as possible. Do your girls talk to you about their feelings without you having to prompt them all the time? I imagine mothers of girls have an easier time on the talking front - I see it in his classmates and that's how I find out what happens at school half the time - a girl will tell her mum and her mum tells me!

CheerHeart...i bought mine a worry monster.  I also talk about things in the car when its less intense.  Another thing you can try is the 4 q's....We basically ask each other 4 questions every  night....what was the best part of your day?  What was the worst? What was the kindest thing you did today and what are you grateful for.  This then normally leads to them earning a marble for something good. Sometimes I get 1 word answers and other times it leads to them opening up.
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B
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I think that is a very good point about being repeatedly re-traumatised.
In my situation, NC was necessary and possible as a way to stop it....so all I had to do was work through what had already happened lol.

From the other side (ish) of trauma fwiw.
I think the re-traumatising is linked to old thoughts and some of our expectations perhaps. It hurt me if I expected or even hoped a tiny bit that my xh would behave in a way that I thought was reasonable or recognisable or normal by my standards.

Accepting how it actually IS right now imho reduces the risk of being shocked or hurt again by it being JUST like that. Doesn't mean it feels acceptable, just that we accept it at face value as what is.

A lot of MLCers if they follow the playbook throw some extreme spaghetti at the wall in search of their new happy I think. And some of that stuff can prod the WTF sore spots maybe. Not just new marriages or new kids but strange hobbies or weird comments or dramatic changes in jobs or homes or priorities. Normal for them. Not normal to us. But accepting that it is their current normal gets us to the place where we shrug our shoulders and care less perhaps. My xh did quite a few things that were nothing to do with our relationship or his relationship with ow that left me a bit shocked. Now - although I don't look for info - I am not sure that anything he did would surprise me much. Getting divorced again? An ow for his owife? Prison for DV? Drug rehab? Being sectioned in a mental hospital? Suicide? Tattooing every inch of his body? Throwing his job in to run away to another country? Nope, none of that would surprise me. Tbh I would be more surprised if he contacted me or any of his old friends and sounded like a normal sane decent adult who knew that the world was not just about his feelings  ::)

Acceptance of how it is works like kryptonite for trauma imho. :)

Treasure....yes it all about acceptance.  Once we get to acceptance we let go of expectations!  Literally nothing would shock me about him.  However like you I would be shocked if I saw a glimpse of old XH at this point as ive been exposed to monster for too long now.
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B
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Hi Bewildered.
I feel the same. I was messaging sachet3 the other day and said that when I feel I making headway moving forward, I get blocked by something ex h has done or refuses to do or avoids. My latest was the house and mortgage. I was looking forward to finishing finances and moving and now I am stuck due to ex h not paying the mortgage correctly.

I feel it is never ending at times. This invisible chain I keep trying to break and can’t seem to be able to do. Xx

RP I get the chain.  For me I had to severe all links with him even down to my car that he chose for me. But the invisible chain is somehow still there- of course it will always be there because of our children together.  However even without them I believe the invisible chain would be there.  I initiate no contact with him and its him that always reaches out to me. Even if it is to monster at me somehow he maintains that chain.

RP is there any way you can seek some legal help with this?  Im sure you have explored all possible options of getting out of a mortgage with him?   I remember there was something about you being able to stay in that house until your kids go to university.  Although it will cost you to go to court it may save you in the long run. If you could get an order in place it may mean that he would have to pay the mortgage without it impacting you or your credit. Then you could sell the house in a few years?
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Can I gently suggest that acceptance includes not judging yourself if......?

Quote
think im getting there so was disappointed in myslef for feeling what I did when I heard the latest news.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

B
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Yes thanks for pointing that out Treasure.  Self forgiveness and self compassion is what I need to work on for sure  :)
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