Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Reconnecting & Rebuilding 3  (Read 3601 times)

Online OffRoad

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My Story Reconnecting Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding 3
« Reply #10 on: June 01, 2019, 11:40:47 AM »
It is not a secret I do not view MLC as childhood/FOO issues, but as a depression, stress and anxiety issues usually connected with fear or getting old, even for those who are in their 30's.
have you considered if mr J was a mature 17 year old, perhaps he had grown up without experiencing his complete childhood/early adult years.  There are things that experiences in our teens and 20s teach us, and if he was already behaving as an adult, he could have missed those.  Then, MLC rollback. 36 is awfully young to be worried about growing old, but that is jmo.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Milly

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Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding 3
« Reply #11 on: June 01, 2019, 12:16:12 PM »
Joining your new thread, Acorn. Interesting list. My H gets 10/10. I do think I was immature, too, but my immaturity didn't bring out the nasty part in me. I just lacked any boundaries and was a control freak. I do agree with you that the LBS needs to look at her/his self, too, and most of us here, started asking the questions about ourselves at BD. It was our wake up call.

Have a great weekend!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding 3
« Reply #12 on: June 01, 2019, 12:59:51 PM »
Anjae:
Quote
It is not a secret I do not view MLC as childhood/FOO issues, but as a depression, stress and anxiety issues usually connected with fear or getting old, even for those who are in their 30's.
Modify message

I went to see Rocketman last night, the story of Elton John's life until he was about 40.

His father was extremely cold and distant. His mother, totally self absorbed. Some of the hurtful comments she made to her small son made me absolutely cringe. They lived in a nice house, eventually his parents divorced.

Although incredibly gifted, the show clearly shows how no amount of fame or fortune could fill his emptiness. Many times I thought about the mask he wore...he became addicted to alcohol, drugs, sex..severe depression and the stress of being a superstar...yet I could not help but think that his childhood wounds contributed greatly to his addictions and self destructive behavior.

In my own therapy, I too have revisted some childhood wounds that I had no clue had any effect on how I respond to things....

I still greatly believe that something from their infancy and childhood are partially responsible for their crisis. We do not allays know, indeed some children who have been sexually abused often have blocked the abuse from their minds.

It is multi causal but we cannot dismiss the influence of their environment on what happens when they enter into a full blown crisis.
« Last Edit: June 01, 2019, 01:01:14 PM by xyzcf »
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Offline Nerissa

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Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding 3
« Reply #13 on: June 01, 2019, 01:05:16 PM »
A friend of mine leads a fair sized mental health team.  She believes almost any problems people present with may be traced back to attachment issues.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding 3
« Reply #14 on: June 01, 2019, 04:48:27 PM »
have you considered if mr J was a mature 17 year old, perhaps he had grown up without experiencing his complete childhood/early adult years.  There are things that experiences in our teens and 20s teach us, and if he was already behaving as an adult, he could have missed those.  Then, MLC rollback. 36 is awfully young to be worried about growing old, but that is jmo.

No, I have not. He was mature for a 17 years old, not mature as in a 50 years old. He was a normal child and teen. No one prevented him from doing what some teens tend to do get drunk, sleep around, etc. he didn't like it because it was not him. Just like I also didn't like those things because they are not me.


He knew what he liked and did not like. He was not forced to date me, just like I was not forced to date him. We spend 20 years together. During those 20 years he did not like drinking, partying, etc.

What should he had done, do things as a teen and in his early 20's he had no interest in and found stupid? Not all teens or people in their early 20's are into drinking, sleeping around, party life, etc. Mr J could had be a dj when he was younger. He gave it a try for a few months, didn't like it. Didn't like he had to be in a bar or club for hours in the middle of the not, not being able to speak or dance with me, not being able to socialize.

When, at a point, in his pre-MLC job he had a supervision position that required him to be on stand by nights and weekends, which lead to his second burnout and depression, he said he never again wanted to work nights and weekends. He also gave up having a mobile.

His MLC self, on the other hand, went deep into all the things he had put aside of his own free well because he did not like them.

My cousin was 37 when he had his MLC. He was even more worried than Mr with becoming old. It was his only concern and the one things he keep talking about.

Several real life MLCers I know were not in their mid 40's or 50's when MLC started, they were in their mid or late 30's, myself included. Mine had nothing to do with getting old or FOO issues, it was just a bad reaction to the trauma and shock caused by Mr J's MLC.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding 3
« Reply #15 on: June 01, 2019, 10:53:02 PM »
Attaching Acorn....
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding 3
« Reply #16 on: June 02, 2019, 01:17:38 PM »
Beast ticks them all to be fair.  ::)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Milly

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Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding 3
« Reply #17 on: June 02, 2019, 11:09:47 PM »
I sense that having FOO issues only adds to this crisis, although might not necessarily be the whole cause of it. My feeling is that this crisis often comes to someone who is severely depressed and burned out, whether with financial problems, work pressure, no free time, sense that life is passing before they get to the 'good' part of it. The trigger is just the final straw on a load of stuff they were already dealing with. They don't know how to change their situation so they start running like a trapped animal on release. They just want to feel good, and any version of good will do. They will try anything to feel even one tiny bit better than how they have been feeling in this crisis, hence the nonsensical affair, alcohol, DJying, shopping, gym, quitting their good jobs, re-marrying, having a baby. They are feeling helpless and will try anything because the alternative feels like death to them. This is how I see it.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding 3
« Reply #18 on: June 03, 2019, 01:25:38 AM »
To my mind, the FOO issues are at the heart.  THEN comes along a huge stress such as death of a loved one, job change/loss etc., and the MLCers own children are often growing up and the MLCer isn't coping with that very well and they start to feel old and BOOM!!!!! Welcome to the land of crisis :'(
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Treasur

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Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding 3
« Reply #19 on: June 03, 2019, 02:29:15 AM »
Perhaps for some the FOO stuff is not the cause...but it shapes their instinctive coping behaviours in crisis? So they learned to avoid or run or lie or spend money.....different habits for different folks. My FOO probably taught me that when life gets hard, you roll your sleeves up, think of others and try to fix it together. Which did feed some of my own shame probably that I was too 'weak' to do that for a while or simply couldn't find a workable solution. What I had to learn was that sometimes doing nothing, letting go, giving up and accepting it wasn't yours to fix and it didn't matter how smart you were or how hard you worked...but as my FOO stuff was pretty constructive and loving, I can use those FOO behaviours in rebuilding of course. But in my h's WTF crisis, most of them were as useful as a chocolate fire guard and that probably added to my confusion and limbo for a while.  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
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