Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Reconnecting & Rebuilding 3  (Read 3602 times)

Offline 9393roo

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My Story Reconnecting Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding 3
« Reply #20 on: June 03, 2019, 05:29:44 AM »
Attaching Acorn  :)
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline Not Your Monkey

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Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding 3
« Reply #21 on: June 03, 2019, 05:55:11 AM »
My cousin was 37 when he had his MLC. He was even more worried than Mr with becoming old. It was his only concern and the one things he keep talking about.

As I pointed out on another thread, my H was explicit about aging issues precipitating his MLC. However, how he has conducted himself during his MLC screams out to be all about his parents' relationship and his father's abuse of him and his mother. If indeed they are running away from these issues, they aren't gong to be talking about them, they are going to be talking about a scapegoat, whether it be aging issues or the fact the LBS didn't buy breaded chicken. In fact, the few times I tried to point out the parallels with his parents he shut me down hard and fast.
« Last Edit: June 03, 2019, 05:57:26 AM by GonerinGhana »
Beware fellow LBSes serving Kool-Aid. You will attract many who will tell you what you want to hear, but it may be very very far from the truth.

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding 3
« Reply #22 on: June 03, 2019, 06:35:18 AM »
Welcome on this thread and thank you for all your comments, Rose, KIT, H&F, FW, Anjae, SF, Silver, POJ, OffRoad, Milly, xyzcf, Nerissa, UM, Morte, Treasur, Roo and GIG!

Somehow the discussion on the characteristics of people with low EQ turned into some musings re the reasons behind MLC.  All good!  This is very interesting, too, so I will join in.

What I observed in H is that his acute awareness of mortality was not the main issue of his crisis.  I had thought it was for quite some time after BD because he often mentioned him ‘getting old’.  Rather, it was one of many catalysts to start him off on a quest to resolve his FOO issues.   Other catalysts include daughter getting married, extreme work pressure and his sister’s serious sickness.  According to him, we are almost 2/3 way through the average life span in our country and that awareness forced him to dig up unresolved issues that he had been suppressing or ‘sucking it up’ all these years.  His words, almost verbatim. 

The ‘age’ issue was merely a tool or a wakeup call that he used to have a go at his FOO issues because he did not want to live like ‘that’.  ‘That’ means that slightly bitter taste on his tongue or that kink in his heart that he could not shake off all his life.  A fly in the ointment.  There was an internal urge within him to resolve what had been hidden/suppressed for a long time since his childhood and he was done pushing them down every time they surfaced. He truly desired to spend the rest of his life in peace with himself. 

The horrendous MLC started because he ‘did not want to live like that.’
Paradoxically, his recovery from MLC started because he ‘did not want to live like that.’

I’m just talking about my H as usual. 
« Last Edit: June 03, 2019, 06:43:35 AM by Acorn »
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Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Nerissa

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Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding 3
« Reply #23 on: June 03, 2019, 06:44:59 AM »
I suppose the decision that they don’t want to live that way is the only stimulus for change possible.  And then the change has to be hard and deep instead of running and reacting.  That takes real insteps pectin and willingness and ability to face up to things. 

My H seems to think that is what he is doing, but he is engaging in a spiritual bypass - going straight to a spiritual Solution without truly addressing the muck and dirt of  psychological issues first .

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding 3
« Reply #24 on: June 03, 2019, 06:50:04 AM »
Following along Acorn

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding 3
« Reply #25 on: June 03, 2019, 07:12:51 AM »
I suppose the decision that they don’t want to live that way is the only stimulus for change possible.  And then the change has to be hard and deep instead of running and reacting.  That takes real insteps pectin and willingness and ability to face up to things. 

Insteps pectin?  You have to love the autocorrect!

I see the following main ingredients required for any positive changes in MLCer that will stick.

- humility (quitting blaming other people for their unease)
- persistence and patience
- quit looking for outside solutions
- courage to do all of the above
- time...

I see what LBS CAN do while MLCer is trying to kick the habit.  I’m speaking from my experience.  One sample.  That’s all I can do, right?

- Quit engaging MLCer.  LEAVE HIM ALONE!  How could he ever work on himself if LBS constantly tapping him on the shoulder to ‘help’ him?  That tapping is akin to jerking on the leash you never dropped.  In these cases, it’s not that MLCer is clingy, it’s the LBS who is.
- listen, if you want to, when MLCer wants to talk.  If he disrespects LBS in any way at all, politely but decisively put a stop to it and then walk away.  Self respect and dignity comes way above listening to MLCer. 

The same old, same old.  Zip, close the oven door and walk away. 
Heck, buy an oven that can only be opened from the inside. 

« Last Edit: June 03, 2019, 07:17:50 AM by Acorn »
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Anjae

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Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding 3
« Reply #26 on: June 03, 2019, 03:40:54 PM »
Thank you for keeping updating on your husband's journey, Acorn.

I see the following main ingredients required for any positive changes in MLCer that will stick.

- humility (quitting blaming other people for their unease)
- persistence and patience
- quit looking for outside solutions
- courage to do all of the above
- time...

Agree.

As for leaving the MLCer alone, I am all for it. Sadly, that does not mean a MLCer will start working on himself/herself anytime soon even if the LBS has been leaving them alone for years.

On the other had, some MLCer whose LBS didn't exactly left them alone, come out of MLC pretty fast (for MLC). RCR and her putting heart shapped stickers on her husband's car when he was with OW so that he knew she still loved him comes to mind. RCR helself says she did many things that go a bit, if not, a lot against leaving the MLC fully alone. Yet, in her case, it seemed to have worked.

One has to wonder about that pesky time thing. How much time is too much time for a MLCer not even start being cooked? 3 years? 5? 10? More than 10? Surely something above 3 years is pushing the envelope, yet, many MLCers are still deep into MLC by then.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding 3
« Reply #27 on: June 04, 2019, 04:32:06 AM »
- Quit engaging MLCer.  LEAVE HIM ALONE!  How could he ever work on himself if LBS constantly tapping him on the shoulder to ‘help’ him?  That tapping is akin to jerking on the leash you never dropped.  In these cases, it’s not that MLCer is clingy, it’s the LBS who is.
- listen, if you want to, when MLCer wants to talk.  If he disrespects LBS in any way at all, politely but decisively put a stop to it and then walk away.  Self respect and dignity comes way above listening to MLCer. 


Heck, buy an oven that can only be opened from the inside.

Great advice Acorn. :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding 3
« Reply #28 on: June 04, 2019, 07:59:01 AM »

The same old, same old.  Zip, close the oven door and walk away. 
Heck, buy an oven that can only be opened from the inside.

And then shove the Mid-Lifer in it...

Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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Offline Not Your Monkey

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Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding 3
« Reply #29 on: June 04, 2019, 10:08:36 AM »


- Quit engaging MLCer.  LEAVE HIM ALONE!  How could he ever work on himself if LBS constantly tapping him on the shoulder to ‘help’ him? 

Yeah, but I think you are giving people false hope that if they simply leave the MLCer alone, the MLCer is suddenly going to start "working on" himself and miraculously recover. Who is to say he will?
Beware fellow LBSes serving Kool-Aid. You will attract many who will tell you what you want to hear, but it may be very very far from the truth.

 

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