Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Reconnecting & Rebuilding 3  (Read 3594 times)

Offline Nerissa

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My Story Reconnecting Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding 3
« Reply #60 on: June 17, 2019, 10:06:11 AM »
Thank you Acorn and Treasur.  These are really useful thoughts. I see my H struggling with how to reconnect with the girls he was so close to and simply not being able to get beyond the superficial with them..

Must repeat the golden  advice not to lecture and advise to myself 1000 times!

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding 3
« Reply #61 on: June 17, 2019, 10:35:55 AM »


For the LBS though, it often forms part of the fallout that we are forced to deal with, bit by bit....family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, neighbours. In a way a wedding symbolises that a marriage is about so much more than just two people....and we find that out as we navigate the destruction.


And this right here may be why so many LBS simply cannot see ever reconciling with their MLCer. The damage is so far reaching. We, the LBS, if we are doing this right, must adapt to this new reality almost immediately--in some case it is a completely new life. Under the very best of circumstance, divorce/separation  cause this shift, and it is ridiculously hard. But when you throw MLCer shenanigans into the mix, it is indeed a seemingly impossible task. But we do it. B/c mostly, we have to.

Acorn--your thought on the inability to transfer understanding really hit home for me. I remember when a friend's father died while we were in college. I felt bad for her but had no idea the massive impact it had on her....until my own mother died.  Then I got it.  As far as H understanding where the kids are emotionally, that one will take time, and my guess it will be quite different with each child. The fact that he wants to learn though is key. B/c if he were closed to it, nothing could get through.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding 3
« Reply #62 on: June 17, 2019, 10:37:02 AM »
Treasur commented:

Quote
There are strange parallels sometimes between how the LBS and the MLCer heal and recover and rebuild I think.

O, yes!  Observing my H is like rewinding the tape of my own journey and watching it.  He is walking such a familiar looking path.  I’m deadly serious when I say that I had LBSC (LBS Crisis).

Nerissa, that ‘superficiality’ is a necessary step and that’s how normal life is as well.  I’m mindful that the degree of ‘superficiality’ is in the eyes of the beholder.

In the beginning of the reconnecting period, it was 100% superficial but that’s the foundation on which a few deeper and heavier bricks are laid.  Even after 1.5 years of serious and consistent reconnecting efforts, I would say it’s mostly the superficial stuff, such as going out for dinner, cinema, etc.   I’m not complaining. Because, if you think about it, that’s how life is without MLC.  It’s lots and lots of seemingly insignificant activities but the crux of the matter is that we are experiencing these TOGETHER.  That’s just normal life happening.  How often do people talk about serious stuff and do intentional bonding activities?  Not very often.  It’s all the little stuff that matters. 
« Last Edit: June 17, 2019, 11:04:58 AM by Acorn »
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Nerissa

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Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding 3
« Reply #63 on: June 17, 2019, 10:47:55 AM »
experiencing these TOGETHER.  That’s just normal life happening.  How often do people talk about serious stuff and do intentional bonding activities?  Not very often.  It’s all the little stuff that matters.

I get that, Acorn, but normal life excludes the major damage.  Do you feel closeness might be restored without addressing with the children what happened, beyond saying ‘Sorry I disappointed you’ or similar, or must something deeper (I’m not sure what) needs to happen?


Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding 3
« Reply #64 on: June 17, 2019, 10:50:16 AM »
Just saw your comment, KIT.  Yes, you are absolutely right.  The manner of reconnecting seems to be tailored to each child.

I’m copying and pasting on here my ramblings re Space which I posted on Song’s thread.  It is part of my journey and I would like to keep it together with all my other ramblings.  Thanks to Song who led me down this particular garden path.  :)

Here it is:

Very interesting discussion re Space.   It’s something that’s been swirling around in my mind and it’s time put some order to them by writing it all down.  I guess this thread is as good a place as my own for that.

I think I understand what you are referring to when you say ‘we both need the space so that we can be authentic to who and what we are.’   My interpretation (as applied to my own circumstances) of your statement is that the nature of Space changes, depending on where we are in our lives. 

Here is my take on how my perception and experience of Space changed.

‘Space’ means different things to different periods in our lives: pre-BD days, the crazy time in MLC land and the period of healing and rebuilding.   It takes on a different character, purpose and effect.  Below is the description of each period.

We each had plenty of space pre-BD in the way you describe your own life, almost word for word.  ‘Space’ occurred naturally because of his heavy travelling commitments, our different interests, respective work, etc.  There were set times for getting together each day that were organically grown over many years.  They were a part and parcel of our habits and customs in our M and family life.  Until MLC happened...

During his crazy time in the middle of MLC tunnel, he created a force field of isolation - Space - from everyone, especially me.  I did not understand this change, so I poked that bubble time and again until I learned from people like you that I must retreat and not try to invade that bubble.   This new type of Space was borne of his primal need.  If he did not have it, he was going to die.  Literally.  It was enacting of his instinct to save himself.  That became true for me as well, albeit many months behind him.

I have discovered in the past 1.5 years of serious reconnecting and rebuilding a changed nature and perspective of Space, which is entirely different from pre-BD days or MLC hey days.  It is now purposeful (each person’s deliberate choice) and imbued with a strong sense of peaceful alone-ness which we both seem to want.  My understanding of Space now is that it is an expression of  ‘I am enough, I’m complete and whole without another person’, and I get similar verbal expressions and vibes from H.   When I want to be alone it has nothing to do with deliberate exclusion of him.  It’s not about him.  And, vice versa.

Sharing common space, time, activities are now our conscious choice to be with another, rather than a habit/custom built over many years or out of our sense of duty.   This is the result of H’s MLC and my LBSC (LBS Crisis).

I do ramble on!

In short,

Space before BD: a natural outcome of life circumstances.

Space during MLC: a necessity for life - ‘To stay alive’, literally for H, figuratively for me.

Space while H is healing and we are reconnecting: a choice.  When we do combine our Space, it’s not because we NEED if but because we both WANT it. 


« Last Edit: June 17, 2019, 11:05:48 AM by Acorn »
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding 3
« Reply #65 on: June 17, 2019, 11:02:42 AM »
experiencing these TOGETHER.  That’s just normal life happening.  How often do people talk about serious stuff and do intentional bonding activities?  Not very often.  It’s all the little stuff that matters.

I get that, Acorn, but normal life excludes the major damage.  Do you feel closeness might be restored without addressing with the children what happened, beyond saying ‘Sorry I disappointed you’ or similar, or must something deeper (I’m not sure what) needs to happen?

I imagined and wished during H’s Replay, that a clear and in-your-face turning point in our R as well as his R with the kids may happen.  That’s all changed now because of what I have experienced.   ‘Sorry’ has been happening through his actions, tears, loving and contrite gazes and hardly any words. 

It’s a whole lot of grey-ness.  Nothing definitive that one can report.  That ‘sorry’ comes like the breaking dawn.  One does not notice if it is now lighter than 5 minutes ago.  It gets lighter inperceptively.  So is this ‘addressing’ his major mess up. It comes in tiny drops and you can’t see the bottle filling up but it does happen over a long period of time.  The only thing that seems to matter is my H’s determination and persistence with the ‘drops’.  I see that he could not get that strength unless he had healed sufficiently.  It’s when he was not so self obsessed about his pain over his issues. Significant self healing first and then onto healing relationships.  I should stop rambling!
« Last Edit: June 17, 2019, 11:06:24 AM by Acorn »
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online Mortesbride

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Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding 3
« Reply #66 on: June 17, 2019, 11:37:34 AM »
Acorn how has your love for your husband changed over this experience?

Obviously I am assuming before BD it was more trusting and naive or such, and now is a bit more reserved and forgiving?

Just curious how you would describe and compare your love for him before and post BD...if you would be so kind.  :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding 3
« Reply #67 on: June 17, 2019, 01:50:39 PM »
O boy, you asked the most difficult question so far, Morte.
Only because it is so hard to describe. 

Before BD, my love for H was something I took for granted.  Didn’t even think about it, I guess.  It was just there.  Now it seems a deliberate and conscious choice.  I love him because I want to. 

It’s lost the glitter of young innocent love.  It’s battle scared, toughened and bears the seal of having passed through the most intense fire of my life.

It is not just spouse’s love.  It’s an amalgamation of that love between fellow soldiers in a pitched battle, fierce loyalty between friends in hard times, the camaraderie between neighbours under a long siege. 

It is wider, deeper, stronger and much, much older. 

Shoot, I wish I was a poet.

Will share more if I can find the words to express what’s in my heart. 


« Last Edit: June 17, 2019, 01:54:32 PM by Acorn »
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline DaybyDay1

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Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding 3
« Reply #68 on: June 17, 2019, 03:31:01 PM »
Hi Acorn,

Not sure how to explain my question or if you mind me asking here, but I guess what I would like to know is how you handled things during reconnection?  Were you ever so angry that it was near impossible not to make a comment about everything that had happened?  How do you handle triggers?  Sometimes I can just feel the blood pressure rising through my body so it feels like my head is going to explode.  Did that ever happen to you or does that mean I'm not ready to try to connect with him?  I guess maybe it's pretty obvious I haven't learned how to detach.

I read through old texts I sent to my H during the last eight months that we've been trying to reconnect and I wouldn't want to deal with me if I were him.  Granted, at Christmas time he gave me a BIG reason not to trust him and that set me off on a spiral.  I'm only now starting to get over it and look back at the last five months or so of all his efforts.  I know my anger and impulse control problems come from not trusting him and being fearful of getting hurt again.  Did you go through that or did you have the trust first and then build from there?

Sorry!  I know this is as clear as mud.  I guess I'm just wondering if we are even in a position to try to reconnect or if I am even physically, emotionally, or mentally capable of it right now.  I hope I didn't hijack your thread with my issues, but I am really interested in your perspective! 
Married 1997
BD: 9/14/17
Currently separated
Working on reconciliation one minute and divorce the next
Two Sons - 19 and 16

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting & Rebuilding 3
« Reply #69 on: June 17, 2019, 05:18:17 PM »
Hi Acorn,

Not sure how to explain my question or if you mind me asking here, but I guess what I would like to know is how you handled things during reconnection?

I did not ‘handle’.  I tried to appreciate his each positive action and did not imbue them with much meaning.  I was good if he did something positive to reconnect, I was good if he didn’t.  ‘Oh, that’s nice.  Life is good.  Life goes on’ kind of attitude. 

 Were you ever so angry that it was near impossible not to make a comment about everything that had happened? 

No, i don’t recall feeling angry or the urge to comment.  I was past that.  Don’t forget I’ve been at it for a while.  BD was early 2015.  Besides, I was never angry as much as I was sad after BD.  It’s just not my personality to be fuming angry.  By the time H started to reconnect seriously, I no longer had a strong urge to ask questions or make comments on his past behaviours.  I was more or less at peace already and no longer curious about certain things or felt the need to vent about the past wrong doings.   I guess it helped that H seemed to know what he had done was beyond belief.  He was thoroughly disgusted with himself.  I didn’t/don’t need to rub his nose in it. 

How do you handle triggers?  Sometimes I can just feel the blood pressure rising through my body so it feels like my head is going to explode.  Did that ever happen to you or does that mean I'm not ready to try to connect with him?  I guess maybe it's pretty obvious I haven't learned how to detach.

I do write about my triggers here and that helps me.  After a day or two, I don’t even remember what the trigger was!

That anger you have is something you need to give time to resolve.  No, I do not think it is not going to serve your well in reconnecting. Well, in my experience, anyway. 

Not sure if it is a matter of detachment.  Maybe it’s that TIME factor you still need.  I see that your BD date was less than 2 years ago, after all. 


I read through old texts I sent to my H during the last eight months that we've been trying to reconnect and I wouldn't want to deal with me if I were him.  Granted, at Christmas time he gave me a BIG reason not to trust him and that set me off on a spiral.  I'm only now starting to get over it and look back at the last five months or so of all his efforts.  I know my anger and impulse control problems come from not trusting him and being fearful of getting hurt again.  Did you go through that or did you have the trust first and then build from there?

My trust of H is on the rise, all thanks to him.  Trust is earned.  He broke my trust, it’s his job to restore it.  My part in this Trust business is in silently acknowledging his efforts, discern if trust is warranted (it needs to have concrete proof and numerous repetition), and then he earns a browny point. 

You acknowledge your impulse control problems.  I’m wondering if you could use a counsellor to help you deal with them.  Not trusting and being fearful of getting hurt again would not necessarily manifest in poor impulse control.  An expert could help you tease out some other reasons for it.  Just my opinion.

Sorry!  I know this is as clear as mud.  I guess I'm just wondering if we are even in a position to try to reconnect or if I am even physically, emotionally, or mentally capable of it right now.  I hope I didn't hijack your thread with my issues, but I am really interested in your perspective!

No problems, Day.  You are very much in the early days.  You will find the means to address your anger, detachment and so on.  I did a lot of mindful exercises, deep breathing and lots of walks in the nature to reclaim order in my mind.  I also went to counselling for around 9 months.  Not to deal with MLC but to address my own confusion and sadness. 

« Last Edit: June 17, 2019, 05:47:17 PM by Acorn »
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

 

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