Author Topic: My Story The Pink Fridge is my new normal. 5yrs since BD, H different this year  (Read 1392 times)

Offline MillyTopic starter

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So new thread again. Quick recap:

BD May 22, 2014, just passed the 5 year mark and can't believe it. I thought 2 years would be unbearable.

H is a typical high Replayer. He was a boomerang when he first left, coming over often, sitting in the living room watching his sports, occasionally eating dinner by himself in front of the TV, playing with my S as normal. Then he started distancing more and more.

OW moved in with him one year after BD. She moved out here to Italy but she didn't like it so their relationship is more of a holiday one. She lives in London and he lives here and they come and go with times in between without seeing each other. He just got back from London the other day.

In the meantime, I sold my business and family home a year and a half ago. Have moved twice since then. I bought a little apartment to rent out to tourists. I am working two jobs.

The positives: I like the house I'm living in now and so do my kids. It's starting to feel like home. I have work, so although it's not really enough to support myself and my kids, I am finding ways to increase my income.

I feel I've changed a lot since BD. I'm much more patient, less controlling, listen more, don't care so much about stuff and that is making my life a lot easier.

Just after Christmas, because I was cycling really badly, I decided I had to stop wanting my H. I felt I was in denial and that it was holding me back so I forced myself to detach by imagining a big red stop button and smashing it every time I had thoughts of H and OW. I just felt I needed to try really hard to move on and accept a life without him.  It worked quite well. I felt I made forward progress quickly. If anything, it calmed me.

Then in February we had some drama when H used my D24's credit card and charged stuff on it he couldn't pay for and asked me to bail him out. I said no. He went mad. D24 asked me to pay, and so I did, but told her I was furious about it and since then she hasn't spoken to me.

In March, H removed the case against me and D22 for battery. On the same day practically, he opened up a new case against me, asking for €250,000 for money he claims he spent while living with me the last 10 years before BD. This case has still to be deposited in court so it's just a threat.

In the meantime, the last hearing for his separation was held and the judge ruled in my favour and called me 'lodevole.' I am now legally separated. Either one of us can ask for a D at this point and be done in 6 months. I'm not going to do it. It's up to him.

I feel that there are some changes in my H this year compared to the last 2.5 years since we had an awful confrontation in the street with me, D22, H, and OW. After that, he went deep into his R with OW. Seemed to want to do everything to please her including suing D22 and eating the way she wanted him to without salt or vinegar. He has had NC with D22 since then and very little contact with me, only about bad stuff, and very little contact with S14. He was deep in the tunnel and I could feel it.

Since Christmas, we've seen some movement in him. For example, to remove the case against D22, OW had to sign, too, so he managed to get her to do that, whilst before she had been adamant that the case had to go through to the end. Just before Easter, H came and mowed my lawn and tidied up my whole garden, was here all morning. First time since BD and his idea. He came up to the house a couple of other times since then when coming for S. H has also been in contact with my cousin in Rome, sending her and her mother his love and telling them he misses them. First contact with them since before BD.

Last night H took S to the movies and when he came home he drove right up to my front door with his car. It was 11pm. Got out and wondered over to my garden to look at the lawn. He turned to look at me when I opened the door.

And if that wasn't weird, this morning as I'm setting up my breakfast in my little courtyard, who drives up again but H. I ran upstairs to tell S, he said that H told him this morning that he'd come over with his strimmer and teach him how to use it. H wasn't hear that long, maybe an hour or a little more. I made no effort to go near him. I was in my courtyard on one side of my house, the garden is on the other side although there are large French windows on both sides so you can see through in places. At one point, H reaches over the little wall of my courtyard and says hi to my doggie. My doggie was sitting beside me.

I'm going to say it was a touch and go. He's gone now, leaving us his strimmer but taking his lawn mower to mow his own. He was dressed his old way, so very casual. From the bits I could hear as he was talking to S, H seemed a little 'high' as if on cocaine. He would be like this either when he was over eager to play the part of father, or when he was in an 'up' phase of happiness. So maybe he was looking forward to whatever he had to run off and do today. I don't think it's with OW because he wasn't dressed up enough. Maybe just a game of golf, but who knows.

So here we are. A new life that is becoming my normal.




Old thread:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10811.new#new

Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online Rising Phoenix

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Attaching milly. You have come so far, it’s amazing, you are amazing. Your home sounds lovely xx
Me 51
H52
Married still, 22yrs
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Online Treasur

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Lodevole indeed, Milly...you and your D22 both as I see from your last thread that she has graciously invited her father to her graduation. She is obviously as lodevole as you even if she does not yet have a pink fridge! And the simple lesson for your h is...drop the awful lawsuit and your daughter extends a small olive branch of possible connection. Time will tell of course if he is wise enough to treat that, and her, with respect. You must be very proud and encouraged about the kind of young woman she is becoming.

And you, what of you? My word you have come a long way in the last 18 months or so haven't you? Even the last 6. And your new home just sounds lovely, like a haven of peace and beauty...and even more important, you sound as if you have found a sense of peace there and a little bit of firm ground for both you and your son.

I posted on my own thread about suddenly feeling as if I am sitting on a hill looking back over the scorched valley of the last few years and it sounds as if you are at a similar point. It is a rather nice place to be with all its imperfections isn't it? We can see thevwood for the trees and look at things with a much calmer more objective eye. I do think as you say that losing so much and surviving the pain brings us to a point where we really appreciate our blessings and worry less about stuff we used to worry about.

And your h? Well, something is moving around in him isn't it as his behaviour is different? Who knows what it is, or where it will take him or if he cycles back to the dark side...but it sounds as if some small bit of him is drawn to your new home....and if it produces nothing more than some improvement in his relationship with your son and either of your daughters, that will be nice. And hey, free lawn maintenance lol...I have this mental picture of you calmly sitting in your beautiful peaceful serene home while your h pops up occasionally for a fix and to show off on your lawn  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online Savoir Faire

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Attaching Milly :)
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online readytofixmyselffirst

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Hello,

Just relaxing this morning before I start the day.

Quote
OW moved in with him one year after BD. She moved out here to Italy but she didn't like it

Really? Just proves a point that she is dumber than dirt. My wife and I loved Italy. Even Venice- when it's not underwater. LOL

But the heart of the matter is this,

Quote
Quote
I feel I've changed a lot since BD. I'm much more patient, less controlling, listen more, don't care so much about stuff and that is making my life a lot easier.

I feel the same here. I've made a separate peace with myself and situation. I don't have to fight to be right. I don't find the need to prove myself at the expense of others. I just want to be at peace. It doesn't mean that everything is perfect, that there will be no issues or problems, but my approach to them will be different.

It's nice to be at peace and I feel that you have reached the same place.

((((Hugs)))

Ready





"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline Acorn

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Attaching, Milly!
May your lawn be always tidy and mowed to perfection without you lifting a finger.  :D

Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Mortesbride

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Following along :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline heroIam

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Following along milly
 :)
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline Anjae

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Welcome to your new thread, Milly.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline MillyTopic starter

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Thank you all for joining my new thread.

Treasur, thank you for your lovely post. I love how you are using 'lodevole' here and there. Makes me laugh. Thanks for saying my D22 is gracious for inviting her dad. I like that thought. I was surprised that she did and glad that she did, too, whether he comes or not. You're right that D22 gave my H a healthy lesson on relationships, if he notices that is. The lawsuit was really a terrible thing to be doing to your own child. H resisted it for a long time, justifying it to his family, to the police chief, and I can only imagine everyone in his circle, until one day he let himself realize that it was wrong. I hope he has enough sight to see how doors are opening up to him now that he is beginning to behave the correct way.

And my home is beginning to feel like firm ground. Good word that 'firm.' Now that I think about it, we were adrift for the last 1.5 years since I sold my home. Adrift is not a good feeling. I know many of us have been in this place, and some are just now starting this place. It's a place of hyper vigilance, uncertainty, confusion but now I'm reaching a much calmer place. Thanks for pointing this out to me. The view from the hill of the scorched ground below is a great visual way to put it. I do think I'm in a similar place. I'm going to say it's a milestone. There is a sense of having reached a leg of my journey and now I have take a break.

Ready, OW is half Italian just like me. She likes places like Milan, but not the countryside of Tuscany. The feeling at peace thing, I wonder if 'normal' people live like this. What caused me to not be living at peace? Was it an issue I had? Or did living with my immature H cause me to become like that? I know that when I was a child, I was like I am now but more so. They say we are always our chore person, I hope this is who I am becoming again.

Nothing much to report here. H video called S14 a few times yesterday afternoon to check he had strimmed the garden, which he hadn't. He had done a little then had to study. H video called from his house. He was sitting on his couch. I heard the conversation. H was hyper. He said: Did you strim the garden? S:No, I was scared. H: You were scared? (In a mocking tone). S: yes, everything was shooting against me. H: Well you need to dress appropriately with jeans and jacket and boots. You need to do it. You need to do around those oleanders you have, those are nice flowers. If you want your garden to look nice you need to do it. Does your mother want you to do it? What does she say? You need to look after that weedwhacker. It cost a lot. Did you tell your mother it was very expensive? Look at you, what are you doing, nothing? You're just sitting watching TV, you're not even studying. S lifts his book up to show he was studying. Oh, ok, but put that weedwhacker somewhere safe, don't leave it lying about. Tell Mummy that. Ok?

So it was a long list of accusations as far as I can see. He called me 'your mother' so he's in the 'go' part of the touch and go, although called me 'Mummy' at the end. I saw that there was a wine fair where H lives. It's possible he was all excited to go the wine fair and then it didn't turn out to be as great as he expected and then he's at home alone on his couch on a Sunday, and here is Milly in her pretty house with flowers and neighbours she talks to and it's not fair because she caused this mess. It's a possibility.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

 

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