Author Topic: My Story The Pink Fridge is my new normal. 5yrs since BD, H different this year  (Read 1391 times)

Offline MillyTopic starter

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So new thread again. Quick recap:

BD May 22, 2014, just passed the 5 year mark and can't believe it. I thought 2 years would be unbearable.

H is a typical high Replayer. He was a boomerang when he first left, coming over often, sitting in the living room watching his sports, occasionally eating dinner by himself in front of the TV, playing with my S as normal. Then he started distancing more and more.

OW moved in with him one year after BD. She moved out here to Italy but she didn't like it so their relationship is more of a holiday one. She lives in London and he lives here and they come and go with times in between without seeing each other. He just got back from London the other day.

In the meantime, I sold my business and family home a year and a half ago. Have moved twice since then. I bought a little apartment to rent out to tourists. I am working two jobs.

The positives: I like the house I'm living in now and so do my kids. It's starting to feel like home. I have work, so although it's not really enough to support myself and my kids, I am finding ways to increase my income.

I feel I've changed a lot since BD. I'm much more patient, less controlling, listen more, don't care so much about stuff and that is making my life a lot easier.

Just after Christmas, because I was cycling really badly, I decided I had to stop wanting my H. I felt I was in denial and that it was holding me back so I forced myself to detach by imagining a big red stop button and smashing it every time I had thoughts of H and OW. I just felt I needed to try really hard to move on and accept a life without him.  It worked quite well. I felt I made forward progress quickly. If anything, it calmed me.

Then in February we had some drama when H used my D24's credit card and charged stuff on it he couldn't pay for and asked me to bail him out. I said no. He went mad. D24 asked me to pay, and so I did, but told her I was furious about it and since then she hasn't spoken to me.

In March, H removed the case against me and D22 for battery. On the same day practically, he opened up a new case against me, asking for €250,000 for money he claims he spent while living with me the last 10 years before BD. This case has still to be deposited in court so it's just a threat.

In the meantime, the last hearing for his separation was held and the judge ruled in my favour and called me 'lodevole.' I am now legally separated. Either one of us can ask for a D at this point and be done in 6 months. I'm not going to do it. It's up to him.

I feel that there are some changes in my H this year compared to the last 2.5 years since we had an awful confrontation in the street with me, D22, H, and OW. After that, he went deep into his R with OW. Seemed to want to do everything to please her including suing D22 and eating the way she wanted him to without salt or vinegar. He has had NC with D22 since then and very little contact with me, only about bad stuff, and very little contact with S14. He was deep in the tunnel and I could feel it.

Since Christmas, we've seen some movement in him. For example, to remove the case against D22, OW had to sign, too, so he managed to get her to do that, whilst before she had been adamant that the case had to go through to the end. Just before Easter, H came and mowed my lawn and tidied up my whole garden, was here all morning. First time since BD and his idea. He came up to the house a couple of other times since then when coming for S. H has also been in contact with my cousin in Rome, sending her and her mother his love and telling them he misses them. First contact with them since before BD.

Last night H took S to the movies and when he came home he drove right up to my front door with his car. It was 11pm. Got out and wondered over to my garden to look at the lawn. He turned to look at me when I opened the door.

And if that wasn't weird, this morning as I'm setting up my breakfast in my little courtyard, who drives up again but H. I ran upstairs to tell S, he said that H told him this morning that he'd come over with his strimmer and teach him how to use it. H wasn't hear that long, maybe an hour or a little more. I made no effort to go near him. I was in my courtyard on one side of my house, the garden is on the other side although there are large French windows on both sides so you can see through in places. At one point, H reaches over the little wall of my courtyard and says hi to my doggie. My doggie was sitting beside me.

I'm going to say it was a touch and go. He's gone now, leaving us his strimmer but taking his lawn mower to mow his own. He was dressed his old way, so very casual. From the bits I could hear as he was talking to S, H seemed a little 'high' as if on cocaine. He would be like this either when he was over eager to play the part of father, or when he was in an 'up' phase of happiness. So maybe he was looking forward to whatever he had to run off and do today. I don't think it's with OW because he wasn't dressed up enough. Maybe just a game of golf, but who knows.

So here we are. A new life that is becoming my normal.




Old thread:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10811.new#new

Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Rising Phoenix

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Attaching milly. You have come so far, it’s amazing, you are amazing. Your home sounds lovely xx
Me 51
H52
Married still, 22yrs
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Online Treasur

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Lodevole indeed, Milly...you and your D22 both as I see from your last thread that she has graciously invited her father to her graduation. She is obviously as lodevole as you even if she does not yet have a pink fridge! And the simple lesson for your h is...drop the awful lawsuit and your daughter extends a small olive branch of possible connection. Time will tell of course if he is wise enough to treat that, and her, with respect. You must be very proud and encouraged about the kind of young woman she is becoming.

And you, what of you? My word you have come a long way in the last 18 months or so haven't you? Even the last 6. And your new home just sounds lovely, like a haven of peace and beauty...and even more important, you sound as if you have found a sense of peace there and a little bit of firm ground for both you and your son.

I posted on my own thread about suddenly feeling as if I am sitting on a hill looking back over the scorched valley of the last few years and it sounds as if you are at a similar point. It is a rather nice place to be with all its imperfections isn't it? We can see thevwood for the trees and look at things with a much calmer more objective eye. I do think as you say that losing so much and surviving the pain brings us to a point where we really appreciate our blessings and worry less about stuff we used to worry about.

And your h? Well, something is moving around in him isn't it as his behaviour is different? Who knows what it is, or where it will take him or if he cycles back to the dark side...but it sounds as if some small bit of him is drawn to your new home....and if it produces nothing more than some improvement in his relationship with your son and either of your daughters, that will be nice. And hey, free lawn maintenance lol...I have this mental picture of you calmly sitting in your beautiful peaceful serene home while your h pops up occasionally for a fix and to show off on your lawn  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online Savoir Faire

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Attaching Milly :)
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online readytofixmyselffirst

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Hello,

Just relaxing this morning before I start the day.

Quote
OW moved in with him one year after BD. She moved out here to Italy but she didn't like it

Really? Just proves a point that she is dumber than dirt. My wife and I loved Italy. Even Venice- when it's not underwater. LOL

But the heart of the matter is this,

Quote
Quote
I feel I've changed a lot since BD. I'm much more patient, less controlling, listen more, don't care so much about stuff and that is making my life a lot easier.

I feel the same here. I've made a separate peace with myself and situation. I don't have to fight to be right. I don't find the need to prove myself at the expense of others. I just want to be at peace. It doesn't mean that everything is perfect, that there will be no issues or problems, but my approach to them will be different.

It's nice to be at peace and I feel that you have reached the same place.

((((Hugs)))

Ready





"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline Acorn

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Attaching, Milly!
May your lawn be always tidy and mowed to perfection without you lifting a finger.  :D

Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Mortesbride

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Following along :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline heroIam

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Following along milly
 :)
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline Anjae

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Welcome to your new thread, Milly.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline MillyTopic starter

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Thank you all for joining my new thread.

Treasur, thank you for your lovely post. I love how you are using 'lodevole' here and there. Makes me laugh. Thanks for saying my D22 is gracious for inviting her dad. I like that thought. I was surprised that she did and glad that she did, too, whether he comes or not. You're right that D22 gave my H a healthy lesson on relationships, if he notices that is. The lawsuit was really a terrible thing to be doing to your own child. H resisted it for a long time, justifying it to his family, to the police chief, and I can only imagine everyone in his circle, until one day he let himself realize that it was wrong. I hope he has enough sight to see how doors are opening up to him now that he is beginning to behave the correct way.

And my home is beginning to feel like firm ground. Good word that 'firm.' Now that I think about it, we were adrift for the last 1.5 years since I sold my home. Adrift is not a good feeling. I know many of us have been in this place, and some are just now starting this place. It's a place of hyper vigilance, uncertainty, confusion but now I'm reaching a much calmer place. Thanks for pointing this out to me. The view from the hill of the scorched ground below is a great visual way to put it. I do think I'm in a similar place. I'm going to say it's a milestone. There is a sense of having reached a leg of my journey and now I have take a break.

Ready, OW is half Italian just like me. She likes places like Milan, but not the countryside of Tuscany. The feeling at peace thing, I wonder if 'normal' people live like this. What caused me to not be living at peace? Was it an issue I had? Or did living with my immature H cause me to become like that? I know that when I was a child, I was like I am now but more so. They say we are always our chore person, I hope this is who I am becoming again.

Nothing much to report here. H video called S14 a few times yesterday afternoon to check he had strimmed the garden, which he hadn't. He had done a little then had to study. H video called from his house. He was sitting on his couch. I heard the conversation. H was hyper. He said: Did you strim the garden? S:No, I was scared. H: You were scared? (In a mocking tone). S: yes, everything was shooting against me. H: Well you need to dress appropriately with jeans and jacket and boots. You need to do it. You need to do around those oleanders you have, those are nice flowers. If you want your garden to look nice you need to do it. Does your mother want you to do it? What does she say? You need to look after that weedwhacker. It cost a lot. Did you tell your mother it was very expensive? Look at you, what are you doing, nothing? You're just sitting watching TV, you're not even studying. S lifts his book up to show he was studying. Oh, ok, but put that weedwhacker somewhere safe, don't leave it lying about. Tell Mummy that. Ok?

So it was a long list of accusations as far as I can see. He called me 'your mother' so he's in the 'go' part of the touch and go, although called me 'Mummy' at the end. I saw that there was a wine fair where H lives. It's possible he was all excited to go the wine fair and then it didn't turn out to be as great as he expected and then he's at home alone on his couch on a Sunday, and here is Milly in her pretty house with flowers and neighbours she talks to and it's not fair because she caused this mess. It's a possibility.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online Treasur

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Funny, Milly....it is like he is trying to force your son to be the 'man of the house' somehow based on what he thinks of course and filling the void that he created almost. Almost using son as a proxy.

Well, any conversation between them is their business. Out of interest, Milly, what conversation or agreement have YOU made with your son about any responsibilities or jobs YOU would like him to do as part of YOUR shared home and life? Bc actually your h doesn't live there and no longer gets a casting vote does he? If you and your son agree that he will contribute by doing x or y, fair enough. Equally if you decide you don't care, like doing it yourself, growing the longest grass display in Itsly or hiring a handsome shirtless gardener to do it....entirely up to you right? I do like the idea though that your grass is literally greener  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline sachat3

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Attaching

I would say a nice shirtless gardener would be the perfect tonic 😏 but you would have to share some pics of him HA!

No in all serious it’s funnt how they move out, they do whatever but they then think they have some days on the house. It was only the other day Clington walked into my house with his whole tool box ready to fix D7 bed. I normally do these things but I just didn’t have the parts which is where I think Clington saw his opportunity because not only did I not have the parts I wouldn’t have known what parts to get. Strange how they work isn’t it but as I look out of my window and see doom and gloom I’m very  jealous of your gorgeous Italian home!
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline UrsaMajor

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Gotta love those Type A Micromanaging Mid-Lifers, don't cha... or not....

Just goes back t the "their own life is so out of control, they try to control the lives of those around them as compensation" thing.

So, the $24,000 will be "Will H take the lifeline/lesson tossed to him by D22 or will he cock it up?"
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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Offline KeepItTogether

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I would say a nice shirtless gardener would be the perfect tonic 😏

Tee-hee. I quite agree!  And I also am so in love with the descriptions of your new home and village.  So very quintessential Italian countryside which for this (yet another) half Italian here, sounds beyond dreamy.

But of course reality comes in the form of a 50-something man-child I suppose. And wow--the mania. He seemed super interested in what you thought of all that gardening effort.  So strange that they run from us at all costs and yet want to know certain things about our lives still.

What caused me to not be living at peace? Was it an issue I had? Or did living with my immature H cause me to become like that? I know that when I was a child, I was like I am now but more so. They say we are always our chore person, I hope this is who I am becoming again.


I think many of us with the "fixer" quality tend to pretzel ourselves in order to "create" that peace even while living in a not so optimal environment. I think we lose a part of ourselves too b/c we are so worried about making everything perfect. Basically co-dependent. Which I would never in a million years have ever thought I was. But I definitely was. And that is why I think my H's abandonment and betrayal hit so hard. I'm sure it is that way for many of us.

Milly--I do believe your inner core is coming out again. And that will take you even further in your already amazing journey. We get bogged down in logistics--I mean you've had to sell your family home and business, move a few times and then contend with your H's ridiculous lawsuits and other deplorable antics. Any one of those, much less ALL of those things, would rattle someone in the best of circumstances. And you got through it all in a most lodevole fashion.  :D And now with much drama behind you, and having acquired the skills to deal with horrible, awful people, you can settle in even more and focus on Milly, and her amazing children.

Following long my friend, and being inspired to make some of my own pink fridge moments.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Shining Star

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I am here too, and love the idea of the shirtless gardener.  What a good idea - Treasur!
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline Anon

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Still following Milly.   Your story has gotten pretty interesting lately.  :)

Offline Dumbfounded

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Attaching.... I have been working in the yard myself the last few weekends. The work is hard but the results are always so lovely and enjoyable. I think the work we do on our homes generates the energy that we put into it to the outside world. Your new home is probably starting to generate Milly's peace and success... a
new vibe for your H and so he is perplexed and drawn to it by curiosity because he is obviously not able to recreate it in his own environment.   

Interesting that he is trying to coerce S12 to fill the void he himself left.  He acknowledges the void that should not be there.  I wouldn't read too much into it but it is fascinating that he is poking at it a bit.  He is trying to process something in his head.... and that usually sends them off into the tunnel.   
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline stillbaffled

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Count me in as another gal working in the yard....black dirt, landscaping fabric, mulch, tree branch removal.  The chores seem endless outside right now! 

However, I agree with DF.  The work is so worth it and so satisfying at the end of the day. 

Milly, your place sounds so lovely.  I would love to visit. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline CanLetGo

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Following Milly, so good to acknowledge your changes and growth, I feel these same things as you, think life taught me some major lessons as a LBSer.

Your h remains ‘interesting’, never a dull moment on your thread!
Me 45
H 49
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

Offline MillyTopic starter

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Thank you, Sachat, UM, Kit, Shining, Anon, DF, Still and CLG for posting.

Treasur, interesting idea that my H might be putting S in his place, trying to make him the man o f the house. Almost as if he realized the man is missing. As far as what agreement I have with S (because as you say, I can do what I want!), S agrees to cut the grass for me, but it's a flexibable thing. He does it when I need it and when he doesn't have to study. Love that the grass is tall and green here at Milly's! Shirtless gardner, yes, just not H!

UM, yes, interesting he's micromanaging my life from a distance without having any real involvement in it. Just judging that it's not being done perfectly.

KIt, he does seem interested in my thoughts. I hadn't thought of it that way. I just thought he wanted to make sure I knew he had an expensive toy, like showing off to me like that makes him look desirable.

DF, I like the idea that the home generates the energy we put into it. Like everything, I guess.

So yesterday was a crazy day. I started out taking S14 to a tennis tournament a couple of hours away on a beautiful sunny day. We were going to enjoy our day away from the troubles of our daily lives. We're on the freeway singing along to a recent hit, when my car starts making huge noises. I think I've burst a tire. We pull over, but no they're all fine. We take off and the noise goes away, but my fifth gear keeps popping out of its slot. I get worried. As I slow down and change gears, my car makes horrible noises. I finally pull off the road because I'm scared the gears are not going to work and find a mechanic. We are 5 km from S's tennis tournament and have 10 minutes to get there.

In my bad luck, my good luck is there is a mechanic right there. I tell him about S, can I rent a car from you, he has no rentals, can I find a taxi? It will take them 30 minutes to arrive. The mechanic says, look I'll close up the garage and drive you there myself. Your S needs to play his match. So grateful for nice people.

So we get to the tournament. I'm carless and the mechanic won't be able to fix it until next week. I sort out a ride with one of the other parents to get back to Florence. He can't take me home because he has a meeting. S and I get dropped off on a main road and have to find a taxi home, more money. The mechanic just called me to say I need a complete new gear box. Ugh lots of money.

Positive was that I got to meet up with an LBS who used to be on the forum but no longer is as she's moved on and doing well. We had a couple of hours together and that was really enjoyable.

Last night when we got in it was after 6pm and S had so much studying to catch up with. I helped him study until midnight, something I have done with my D's too when they were his age. H was in regular contact with S all day, wanting to know about his tournament, had we left our house to go there yet? were we there yet? S: car has broken down. H: Oh, no. What's wrong with the car? S: Mummy thinks it's the gears. H: Yikes! S: She thought it was dangerous so she got off the road. H: yes.  Later, H: did you get to your tournament? How did you do? Never mind you'll win next time. Where are you now? How are you getting home? Is mummy with you?  How is Mummy going to go back to pick up the car? Hopefully it won't cost too much.

So today I'm faced with these new big expenses. It's been a few weeks that expenses seem to be dropping out of the sky at me and I'm feeling the pressure to get my finances in better order and to make more money some how. It's not a good start to my day today.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline UrsaMajor

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New Transmission/gear box?  OUCH!

Really sorry that happened... NOT a nice thing, that is for sure...
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Treasur

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Really sorry that happened, Milly, but look at you handling it all like a bad a$$ grown up. It is a funny but welcome benefit of this experience that we don't sweat the small stuff and ask for help when we need it, find good kind folks and enjoy the positives.

I wonder if your h has started watching Scooby Doo cartooons with his new word Yikes?....and thinks he would have got away with it too if it wasn't for those pesky adult consequences  ::) :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online One day at a time

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All caught up Milly.. I'm sorry to hear about your car. I also get overwhelmed with some of the unplanned expenses at times, I'm lucky that my job covers my expenses but it's the fact that I need to save a lot to pay H off for the house.. One option that I'm contemplating to make some extra money is to rent a room in my house. Not sure if that's common in Italy but maybe something to consider if possible?

How lovely from the mechanic to take you to S's tournament.. I get amazed by strangers who seem so happy to help out when they really don't have to.. And you H..  ??? What's with all the questions? He really sounds like a control freak! Your son seems to have a lot of patience for a teenager. I wouldn't say teenagers like to get grilled with questions..
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline sachat3

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Each time I think about starting my lessons. I hear about things like this. Buses are working fine for now ha
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Mortesbride

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My actual fear there...sudden mechanical failures that drain you for an arm or leg. :-\
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline KeepItTogether

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He really likes the word "Yikes" doesn't he?   ::)

I hate car expenses--sorry that happened. But so thankful you and S were not hurt and that there was a kind soul to get you to S's match!

Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online Savoir Faire

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I hope you get the car fixed and some 'magic' money to pay!

I feel your pain.  My car broke down just before Christmas of course ::)  It was six weeks before I could get it fixed and it cost $$$$$$$$.  I could have bought a new car for the money but would have had nothing to trade in but a bag of bolts.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Rising Phoenix

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Attaching milly xx
Me 51
H52
Married still, 22yrs
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Offline FaithWalker

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Attaching.  Sorry to hear about the car trouble.   :(
M-41
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-14
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline ember

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attaching

Offline MillyTopic starter

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Thanks everyone for attaching and for your sympathy over my car. Savvy, I was planning on trading in my car for a new one this year but now that I will have to pay for a new gear box, I'm going to have to keep my car for a while longer. What a waste of money I could have put towards a new car, so just like you. I don't want anything fancy because for the way my lifestyle is, I need what I call a battle car, but still, I'm done with my current one, much as she's been a great friend to me these past 5 years, but I wanted a new, clean one, a pink fridge car.

Update on my car, it's still 2 hours south somewhere at a mechanic. We are looking for a used gear box to save me money but it looks like it's not going to happen. I'm using D22's little car for now, but Sunday she comes back and she's going to need it. Another piece of crap to deal with, ugh!!

So yesterday S turned 15. He didn't want a party but my girlfriend's birthday is a few days earlier so we were going to celebrate together. She is Spanish, I've mentioned her before because her H is going through what is probably a ML Transition. She knows about the forum and is desperate to read up on MLC, but she can't read English. It's been almost 2 years for her now. Her H has completely withdrawn for her. Will do anything to avoid spending free time with her. Hasn't been physical for 18 months, will come up with excuses like this one:  'Oh, I can't stay during the afternoon because I really want to go see this group of disabled women play basket ball.' 

So anyway, her MLT H called me up and said that although my friend says she doesn't want to do anything for her birthday (she's feeling very down as can be expected. She's about 8 years younger than him), he wanted to give her a surprise party with just a tight group of friends she's comfortable with, and would I help him organize it. I said sure. So Saturday, I was crazy busy going to the supermarket and then getting a present for her between us all, dropping S to 2 different tennis trainings at very inconvenient times, made it back for 8.30pm and ran over to my new neighbours for their barbecue. Trying to GAL you know.

So I was having a lovely time, maybe 15 adults, 7/8 kids, my S out playing ping pong with them at 11pm, when all of a sudden at around midnight my head starts spinning and I think I'm going to faint. I excuse myself and go home (100m away) because I think I've lost track of how much I've been drinking and I'm now drunk out of my brains. 

So after being sick several times, I wake up with a deformed, swollen face. I can't move or I'll throw up. I think I was allergic to something although it all seemed like the usual stuff. The only 'new' thing was one of the neighbours grows her own herbs and spices including spices for curries, so not your usual Italian stuff. Her food was particularly delicious and I had a lot of it, but can herbs give you allergies?

So yesterday, S's birthday and friend's surprise party, I was a zombie. Handed S his presents in the shopping bags they came in, prices attached and everything. Drove to my friend's because I was the needed decoy to keep friend out of the way until everyone arrived. I managed it but slept all through the surprise party and had to be driven home afterwards. What a miserable day. Feeling on the mend today.

So H asked S if he could come over to bring his present. S said ok in the morning. H came and stayed 15-20 minutes, so back in the tunnel and OW probably at home waiting. H played a game of ping pong with S, gave him a really nice tennis shirt and €100. I think this was a very good present for S. Mind you, after H left, S said to me: 'I need to give you this money because Daddy hasn't paid for my Christmas present yet.'

H did ask where Mummy was and S said I was sick, food poising from dinner at the neighbours (at least he heard I'm out living the life). H didn't answer. H asked S what he was doing that day. H knows my Spanish friend. These were people we met through S's tennis the year of BD. H liked them but it's not that he got to know them properly. H then asked again (maybe the 5th time), what day D22 is coming back. S is now used to his father asking him the same question over and over. It's part of this memory loss during the crisis, or maybe not so much a memory loss as not being able to concentrate enough to hold details in his head.

During the day he sent S15 5 Happy Birthday messages, the last one at 11pm. S asked him why so many times. H said: Because it's your birthday all day. So what I take from the messages, is that H is thinking about S often and throughout his day. Even though H is still behaving in a childish manner, it's more contact with S than he's had in the past couple of years.

I just got a phone call from my second L, the one who took care of suing H for lack of maintenance and who protected D22 and I against H and OW's lawsuit against us. So, when I took H to court for maintenance, I won. This was 1.5 years ago, right after the horrible scene in the street with D22, H, and OW. When I won, the judge said H had to pay me €6000 in damages within 6 months, or he would have a 6 month jail sentence. H appealed the sentence, which meant I haven't had anything from winning this case yet.

So my L called to say the appeal date has been set for July 8th in the morning. I won't have to testify again nor do I have to go, but I can if I want. I said as long as nobody will be putting up in front of everyone again, I would like to go. My L says it's just a formality and the judges will rule in my favour again. My L says that at that point, H will have to pay or face jail at home or working for social services. My L says we will need to get together, me, this L, and my separation L to decide how we want to handle this aspect. I don't want H to go to jail. I don't think he has a penny to pay me, but it would be nice if he agreed to give me a little every month. If he doesn't, I think I would quite enjoy thinking of him doing social services. I can't imagine what it would be, but I think it would be quite humbling and a good lesson. What do you think?
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Mind you, after H left, S said to me: 'I need to give you this money because Daddy hasn't paid for my Christmas present yet.'



OMG Milly. That is heart breaking. What a wonderful boy you have raised.

As for H, these are HIS consequences for his bad behavior. I am happy you have such compassion for him, but please, please, please do not try to circumvent things to make his life better. This is his own doing. I know this sounds harsh. But did he not initiate yet another lawsuit against you?  This one is out of your hands. I hope he makes the right decision and figures out a way to pay you. It isn't like you are getting this windfall--this is for his children to whom he has become a complete deadbeat and worse.

Sorry you got so ill. Wonder if it was a quick bug/virus?  But a food allergy sounds very reasonable. Hope you feel better soon.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline MillyTopic starter

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Kit, thank you for your advice. I lay in bed last night thinking about it. I guess my situation is not dissimilar to yours at the moment. Thanks for reminding me that these are the consequences of H's actions. When I think of my H being given 6 months of home imprisonment (don't know the English term), I imagine him telling everyone and his kids that I put him in prison. I know he has already said something of the kind to my oldest D. But after reading your words, I feel I can say, 'No, the judge put you in prison for not paying maintenance.' I know that you're right that I must not make it easy on him, it will resolve nothing. He will carry on in his consequenceless life, and I will struggle to look after my kids and myself.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online Treasur

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I agree with Kit. Keep your fingers out of his life and any consequences others decide to roll out bc of his actions. It may be exactly what he needs to learn some life lessons or to evolve....and his opinion of you will be what it is no matter what you do, you know that.

So, just let it be as it is. Let others decide. Tbh I'd rather you get the cash! But your h may learn more from a less easy outcome  :)

Sounds like it is less about prison but some kind of home tagging order as we call it here in the UK, when someone is fitted with an electronic ankle tag and had to meet some curfew restrictions? Hmm, that will put a crimp in his travel plans and ow's plans if that happens...or indeed if he is busy cleaning toilets somewhere lol...let God do what he needs to do, he might have a cunning plan lol.

On the food allergy? Sounds quite possible...you might want to talk to the neighbour about what kind of herbs or spices were in it - delicious as it was - that you don't normally eat so you might narrow it down?
« Last Edit: June 11, 2019, 01:40:21 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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The swollen face/drowsy/sick to the stomach thing sounds very much like a mild form of analeptic shock from an allergic reaction. There are some  herbs and such that can cause such a reaction but, unless you get an allergy test, the process of trial and error to figure out what exactly it was could be a) long, b) painful, and c) dangerous...

As for H and the appeal date, it is HIS farm, HIS cows and HIS male Bovine excrement to deal with... Actions bring consequences and his are coming home to roost and you have nothing to do with it...
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Keep believing

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The  US calls it house arrest. and yes herbs can do crazy things to your body. definately some sort of reaction.  you need to figure out what caused it as the next time you react to it , it could be worse.

Offline Acorn

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Hummmmm, house arrest sounds like just what the doctor ordered.  Sit at home and contemplate how and why he got where he is now.  Community service is not a bad idea either.  Can you imagine MLCer performing service to anyone other than himself?  ::)

One thing I’m sure of.  You will thrive, no matter what the law decides to do with him.
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline UrsaMajor

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Hummmmm, house arrest sounds like just what the doctor ordered.  Sit at home and contemplate how and why he got where he is now.  Community service is not a bad idea either.  Can you imagine MLCer performing service to anyone other than himself?  ::)


One thing I’m sure of.  You will thrive, no matter what the law decides to do with him.

Yep!  Rockin' the Prosecco!
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Maleficent

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Hi Milly,
So much activity lately- something is up with H.  It does seem different. 

I echo KIT on your lovely son---

Quote
Quote from: Milly on June 10, 2019, 09:10:15 AM
Mind you, after H left, S said to me: 'I need to give you this money because Daddy hasn't paid for my Christmas present yet.'


OMG Milly. That is heart breaking. What a wonderful boy you have raised.

The allergy sounds terrifying, I hope you figure out that one soon. And I am sorry about the car. I miss my dull stready life where every day was not fraught with peril.

The appeal date is interesting. It would be perfect if he agrees to pay an amount on a regular basis, but is there anyone who can talk some sense to him? Social services would be a lovely gesture, but wouldn't you still be in the same financial position?  Instead maybe there could be something hung creative in that deal for you--yard work, pay the mechanic for the car.  If they were only rational and responsible....

Continue being lodevole!

BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Online Treasur

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Go lodevole Milly and son!
Hiss boo to whatever the opposite is of lodevole for h and ow types....love the sound of Italian for both love and insults lol......Scadente? Disprezzabile?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MillyTopic starter

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You guys are so lovely and so funny! Love the way you guys have taken on 'lodevole.' Treasur, love your opposites, too. My H is definitely disprezzabile, but he might also be scadente: lacking in something, or going off, as in food!

UM thanks for my gif and thanks for those saying I will rock. That does feel good!

I haven't sorted the car out yet, would love for H to pay for it, but......Like some of you say, I would much rather have money from H than anything else, because I need money.  I will not wave the damages so he will have to choose himself how he wants to go forward the following 6 months of his life: having less money to party it up but supporting his family, or be stuck at home and having to justify to everyone why he can't go out any more? Or maybe worse for him, having to be patient and thoughtful and help the elderly or who knows what. I think the great part will be that he basically has the choice on what happens to him. I know it will still all be my fault in his eyes, but there will be a signature from a judge on the form, not mine. That is if everything goes as planned at the appeal, because you never know around here.

School has been out since yesterday here so S15! is sleeping in these days, tennis every afternoon. It got very hot here all of a sudden, in the 30's every day.

The estate agent lady I've been doing an afternoon of translating a week for, has asked me to go out this afternoon with her to take some Belgian clients to see some properties. This is my first time out doing this and I'm so excited. I worked on my wine work until 11pm last night so that today I wouldn't feel guilty. I have to say that working does make me feel good to some extent. I'm tired today but I don't see going out for the afternoon to see properties as a stressful job, or even a job at all, compared to my RL.

I'm going to wear a pretty (respectful) linen dress and my new flat snake skin sandals.

Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline sachat3

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Your going to look banging Milly!
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline MillyTopic starter

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My S has failed school. He is going to have to repeat the year. He's 6 foot 1, going to be in class with kids a year younger. His friends will go on ahead. The school called H this morning to tell him. H didn't tell us. S talked to me this evening and said he heard that another kid's parents got called to say he had failed and had I received a call from the school. I said no. Then I said ask your dad. S asked him at around 8pm. H answered at midnight that yes the school had called and they'd talk about it tomorrow.

S was crying his head off. Said he was so sorry to me. Said he was soo stupid. He's curled up in a ball crying his head off. I send messages to H. I'm blocked of course. I send message on S's phone saying S is crying his head off and that I needed to talk to him and know what they said. I call, H doesn't answer. I call over and over and over until he finally answers and says yes, S has failed. I said when did you hear? H said this morning. I said and you didn't call me? And he says, I was going to talk to S15 tomorrow. I said you knew this major piece of information and you didn't think you had to call the mother who has been looking after him? And he says, well Milly, if you'd done a good job this wouldn't have happened. I said I've been doing it all by myself. Maybe if you'd helped. He said I controlled S and prevented him from seeing him. I said ok good bye.

I can tell you I'm at my limit. I feel I'm about to have a nervous breakdown. This year is not going the way I hoped.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online Mitzpah

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Oh Milly,

I am so sorry, it is tough to face this kind of thing alone.

As for his father accusing you of not 'doing your job' - pfffffttt!!!

I have had similar accusations - I turned it back on him - I said "Blaming me does not help our child, the important thing here is to support him and that is what I want to discuss." - He realized that the argument was going nowhere and recanted pretty quickly. Not that he was more present or stepped in, just that he stopped blaming me.

Your son will survive this, it may be good for him to learn to focus on what he wants for his life - we learn that we cannot fix everything and that our role is to stand back and be the safe background but he has to to impel himself forward on his own steam.

((((((Hugs))))))
M 57
H 57
S 27
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline KeepItTogether

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Oh Milly--I am so sorry. I know as a parent I would take on ALL responsibility for such a thing. And then my kind friends would remind me that, no, I (you) did everything and the absolute best you could have under the circumstances and this is yet another TOUGH life lesson for all to get through. And you will get through it.  I agree with Mitzpah in that this is a good lesson for S15 right now as far as the consequences of things. Better to learn it now than later when there are more serious consequences maybe?  I am not minimizing this at all b/c I know I would be in a total tizzy over this too. And of course seeing our babies this upset is soul crushing. We never want to see them hurt. And yet, it is these little (and some not so little) hurts that are character forming. And I always say, my best life lessons came from my biggest mistakes. (I suppose one might include H in that life lesson for me? But I digress).

As for H, well, he was defensive b/c he knew he was wrong to block you. Wrong to not call you immediately with the info. And mostly b/c I believe he takes a massive part of the blame himself so he, being the conflict avoider he is, chose to ignore the situation entirely until it came chasing after him in the form of a mama lion who was understandably upset. Him blaming you is complete projection and I suspect you probably know that.

So try to shake it off (his comments anyway), and come up with a game plan tomorrow when you are fresh. I have complete confidence that you and S15 will overcome this  too, as you have already done in so many other  adverse conditions.

Hugs friend. Breathe. You got this.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Rising Phoenix

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Milly I’m so sorry. I know son and you are upset but it gives him a chance to get better grades next yr. it’s not ideal or what either of you wanted but perhaps better grades are better than just about scraping through and as mitz said it may help him focus on himself as he may have been focusing on his father instead. Would school consider a retake due to exceptional circumstances?

As for his father and what he said well that is pure projection and down right despicable to not call you. You have done a fabulous job of raising your son and the man has learnt nothing from his daughters not speaking to him.

You did exactly right I feel, ending the conversation as you know it will have no impact what ever you say.

I hope your son recovers quickly from this blow and passes next yr with flying colours. Xx
Me 51
H52
Married still, 22yrs
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Offline CanLetGo

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I’m sorry to hear Milly, a shock for you all, I’m surprised the school didn’t discuss things with you more rather than just informing the outcome. Also surprised they contacted the father, when you are the primary (100%) caregiver. Also can’t believe he didn’t tell either of you, and projects onto you. I would have been throwing that back in his face pronto, unhelpful, but I wouldn’t have been able to help myself. Does S have future career etc ideas? Will tennis be his priority? It’s a drag having to repeat, but there’s more to life than academia. Maybe his path in life will take a different direction, and he’ll be very happy. Thinking of you, hope the dust settles and you and S feel better about it in the coming days, hopefully this is just another loop in the roller coaster of life, and you find at the end of the day it’s happened for a reason, and something good comes out of it, after the initial shock. Hugs x
Me 45
H 49
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

Offline Anon

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Milly,,, I am really sorry to read the latest goings on.  That's a horrible thing for a basically absentee father to do and say.   You know he hasn't a clue about much right now especially when it comes to his son and the mother who has done everything for him these last 5 years,,, including picking up the shameful slack left by his father.   

Please try to resist taking on this blame.  It is projection,,, pure and simple.   One day he may realize this.   You are amazing, we all know it here and we hope you know it too.

Online Treasur

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I agree and I'm sorry for your son too.

Practical things....call the school and be very clear that you are the custodial parent and must ALWAYS be contacted first. That your separated h does not communicate with you directly, travels frequently if there were an emergency, has limited contact with his children and that it was wrong that you and your son had to find out this important information through rumours via third parties. Do not feel ashamed; your h's behaviour as a parent is not your shame to carry. Insist that they write to you confirming that this is what will ALWAYS happen from here on.

Now, you and your boy. S$it happens and this is a life lesson for him. We grow by how we deal with the s$it. When he is ready to talk, help him figure out where he went wrong and what he needs to do to make the next year feel ok. Where the lemons are too maybe? He will have learned by watching you do just that, Milly....as a parent you can help him learn how to find his own grit now.

Does he still want to meet up with his father? Remind him that he can postpone if he would rather? As I suspect - for all the reasons stated here - your h will blame you first and his son second. Any dark thoughts about his own crappy parenting will stay hidden for the middle of the night on his own. You don't have to listen or agree with him of course, just as you did in the call, or validate his BS. do not let him manipulate your mother guilt. Or indeed your son either although to be fair...bc he is a good young human...it sounds as if your son is blaming himself and feels that he has let you down. Hugs. He's a nice young human and he's going to grow into a good man imho. The person who made a cock up here was your son...there may be a bunch of reasons for that but tbh no different from him having a good or bad tennis match is it? You might have driven him to the court but the only person with the racquet in his hand is him. (To be fair, crappy as your h is, the same is true with him...contribution but not causation imho) School is exactly the same as getting better at tennis...maybe help him think about it as if it was a tennis problem? Help him understand the difference between feeling guilty bc he did a stupid thing vs feeling ashamed that he IS stupid....just like tennis which is also a reminder of talents he has that others don't, and that him and Mr Nadal got there bc they worked at it too  :)

And if your son does meet his dad today? Do something nice for you to silence the mummy guilt. Resist blaming your h as much as you can. Listen to your son and try to be his coach so he can figure it out for himself maybe? And remind both of you that the world won't end and you have both pulled through much much worse than this  :) xxxx

PS it will be ok, Milly. Your son will be ok. You will cope with this too. None of us have any doubt about that at all even if momentarily you do x
« Last Edit: June 12, 2019, 11:07:54 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Upintheair

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Now the real test comes Milly. How we behave when there is a tragedy. And how H behaves. Not unusual, that he blames you. Projection, as KIT said it. Try not to be affected by it too much - I know it is hard, but important, because then you can focus on the real problem. I whish you to be able to solve this problem with S, H, and yourself emotionally as possible, and otherwise too.

Up
"Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be attained only by someone who is detached."
Simone Weil
Bd: 03-2015

Offline UrsaMajor

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Quote from: Treasur
Practical things....call the school and be very clear that you are the custodial parent and must ALWAYS be contacted first. That your separated h does not communicate with you directly, travels frequently if there were an emergency, has limited contact with his children and that it was wrong that you and your son had to find out this important information through rumours via third parties. Do not feel ashamed; your h's behaviour as a parent is not your shame to carry. Insist that they write to you confirming that this is what will ALWAYS happen from here on.

THIS!!!

I had a somewhat similar situation in that both S & D's school "assumed" since STBXW and I are separated, I didn't need to know what was going on at the school. I had to put a VERY quick end to that and, over the last years, both S & D's teachers have realized which parent is the one that is involved and pushes the kids a bit... D's teacher especially has noted that D has a LOT more absences when she is with STBXW than when she is with me... (for example) and comes to if there are issues with D in school.... Because she gets answers and results.. STBXW sat at the last Teacher-Parent conference and said to Teacher directly that STBXW was just overwhelmed and didn't have the 10 minutes a day to practice reading with D... <facepalm>

As for H's projection and the accusation that you didn't allow S to see him, that is the perfect chance for "I'm sorry that you feel that way but we both know that is not true."  What a jacka$$  >:(
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
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Offline Dumbfounded

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Oh Milly!! Your poor Momma heart. Killing yourself for your kids every day only to be told you didn't do enough by someone who didn't do anything. Projection indeed. That just stinks for you and S and I am sorry that happened to you both. 

These teenage life lessons are hard Milly but if you have provided S the tools and the opportunity and the help he asked for then you have done your job. It is S's job to do the actual work. And while it may be a bitter pill to swallow, this is not the end of the world. It is an opportunity to learn and grow from mistakes. It is never the failure that counts, it is what you do after that failure that builds character. So be sad awhile and then regroup... what happened? how do we do better?

Nobody knows better how to rise from the ashes than a LBS. 

And yes, do call the school and update the contact information because your H obviously doesn't find calls from the school important. I wonder if he has received other important calls that have not been communicated to you.       
« Last Edit: June 13, 2019, 10:07:45 AM by Dumbfounded »
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

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Offline Maleficent

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Milly,
I am so sorry and I would be furious as well at H's behavior.  I do not understand why the school called H and not you and if they had been giving him the progress updates.

Your son has been on a rollercoaster this year as well.  It gets more and more difficult for kids even without the crises.  My own son was a reluctant student and did not succeed until he learned to own his own success. I hate these terrible learning experiences.  Anything you can negotiate with the school as far as summer session or tutors?

I can just picture your son curled and crying and it breaks my heart.  It is all going to be okay, just not today. 

Sending hugs.
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Offline MillyTopic starter

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Thank you for your very kind and comforting posts Male, DF, UM, Up, Treasur, Anon, CLG, Rising, Kit, and Mitz you can't believe how much your posts have helped me today. Thank you so very much.

I left the house this morning before S woke up. He called me to say his eyes were burning and where were the eye drops. I said I didn't have any and to make some chamomile tea and cool it down. I was gentle and told him I'd be back just after lunch. His voice was so low.

I came back to drive him to tennis. We talked on the 20 minute drive. He said his dad had called him and told him he should change schools. S told him he likes his school and wants to stay there. I said changing school is running from the problem. The problem was not the school. S said he knows. I said I did everything I could, I bought your books, your pens and note books, I paid for your school outings, for your lunches, I scolded you, I sat hours studying with you. I said it's not my fault and it's not even your dad's fault. Yes, life was complicated around you (Treasur) and your father didn't help at all, but this is your fault and nobody else's.

H took S out to dinner tonight. S wanted to go. At first, H skirted around the elephant in the room, talking basket ball and tennis until he reached the matter. H's suggestion is for S to stop going to a science school and go to a languages one instead. Languages is what OW studied so I wonder where this suggestion came from? S hates studying languages, all my kids have hated it. Just because they're bilingual doesn't mean they're actually fascinated with foreign languages, and they all hate dictionaries. They are already tired all day every day switching back and forth between two languages.

My three kids love science and find that side of life easier. (I studied languages by the way, so nothing personal about them). Plus in Italy, a language degree gets you nowhere. Everyone has to speak some English. The cashiers in the supermarket in the little village can all communicate in English and German, so what is S going to grow up to do in life? It's so OW dictated it's unbelievable.

I had an intense day as you might imagine. I went to see my IC. I hadn't seen her since just after Easter. I had been going to her weekly since BD. This was the first gap. I wish I had carried on seeing her. She told me she could have written to the school to explain S's situation and they would have been easier on him. She said she has done this several times and the kid has been spared having to repeat the year and then went on to catch up in his own time. I didn't know this was possible. It's too late now. There are no second changes if they decide you've failed the year here. No appeal, nothing.

H mentioned nothing about helping S with school in the future. He basically ignored the subject. H did ask about D22 again, yes, the usual question: When is she coming back? H asked how she enjoyed her trip to Spain, where she stayed, what she'll be doing the rest of the summer. S asked H is he's going to D22's graduation. S said at first H looked blank, then he said: Oh, I don't know yet. S asked if he was going to D24's graduation. H said he hadn't been talking to D24 much. H asked what Mummy was doing today. S said I was working and that I work a lot now. H asked if I was working at the winery. S said yes. H asked about my little apartment in the village and if it was nice. H asked if S was going away this summer. S said only to D22's graduation in the UK. H picked S up at tennis at 7.20pm, they went for a pizza and then brought him home by 8.45pm.

I was in the garden watering my flowers. I didn't hear the car arrive and came around the corner to see H had stopped to let S out right at the beginning of my little lane, facing me right on. I didn't acknowledge him. I continued to water the plants out the front area where he was. He stayed there for a couple of minutes after S went inside. I don't know if he was looking at me because I ignored him. He could as easily have been on his phone.

H asked S if they could see each other this weekend. S seems happy enough to see him. He has little else to do. In spite of everything, S seems to feel comfortable around his dad. That kind of makes me feel sad for him. My IC said last year or the year before that a kid would rather have a bad dad, any dad, than no dad.

D22 has been very helpful too today. She has been writing to me to make me not worry about it. She wrote to S first thing this morning to tell him it will be alright. She's very sorry for S. She says that S is a good kid, a very intelligent one, and even if he didn't study as much as he should have, he really doesn't deserve everything that has happened to him these last few years. This is  the third school he's gone to in three years, and the third home in three years.

I know I will regroup eventually, I just can't today. I think I'm in still shock. I don't know what to do with this information yet.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline MillyTopic starter

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Today, in the car, it dawned on me that my H is probably talking about where he'll be and what he'll be doing with OW once they get old. I mean, that's what couples do, right? They make plans. I hadn't thought about that before and it hurts. I had spent 30 years exactly with H when he BD'd me. I was certain I'd be old with my H. Now he's got someone to replace me in his old age image. He's not going to be alone and the person who will be on the couch with him will be this terribly cruel OW. How can it be allowed in the universe for someone good to spend their whole life with someone and then for a bad person to come along and take over the remainder of what should have been my life? How can that be? Who wrote this book? Why? It just feels so wrong. 5 years on and still capable of having a melt down. This is really one of the cruelest ways to have to live life. What a drag.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Philadelphiagirl

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Milly, sending love and support. I am sorry that this has happened to your Son, you will both bounce back though. My kids have just finished repeating a year as they did not progress enough in the academic year after BD. Neither of them wanted to as their friends moved on etc. but we are now 2 weeks before the end of it and they made new friends and it has gone okay, we are all 3 of us a lot more settled now. Even though the school suggested this to me (and probably would have overridden me should I have not agreed) I did agree to them doing the year again. Then the school contacted my H by phone to ask for his consent and the head got a lot of anger from him and then when their reports came out they had missed a few days of school (nothing serious and all accounted for) and H contacted the head and argued that this was why they were not progressing!

Yes, projection! The head said that he sounded very angry and that she felt like laughing given that he had done zero to help them. It did annoy me last year but now I am just - yes - whatever! It is definitely projection from your H and pathetic that he did not call you straight away and the school should have called you also.

You are doing a fantastic job Milly. It is hard doing it all on your own when you are still coping with everything else. Your H has no right to say that you are not doing a good job, you are there for your Son, you have not abandoned him - nothing else to say on the point. You are still a parent, and a great one at that!

The teachers told me last year that repeating the year would get lost in the mist as the kids got older and this year it really doesn't matter to the 3 of us that they have repeated the year. Would they have had to do it if they still had a reliable Father, no I doubt it - but they don't - and neither does your Son. In the circumstances you and your Son have done exceptionally well to have got as far as you have. All power to you Milly, hold your head high. Take care of you both, PG x   

Offline MillyTopic starter

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Philly, your post came through just as I was about to post this. Thank you so much for sharing about your kids having to repeat a year, too. That is so kind of you. I'm relieved to hear that they integrated and did well so that you (all three) barely remember it happened at all. Thank you.

My post just before Philly posted.

Lately, every time that I am determined to think positive, convinced I'm turning a good corner, I get bashed about the head. Three recent examples:

Example 1: The Sunday burglars broke into my house while we were all in bed, I was feeling happy, thinking this was my new life and it was ok. I swept up my little courtyard, looked at all the flowers I would plant when I had time, and was looking forward to an Easter lunch with friends with my new barbecue. Wham! Less than 12 hours later, my lifetime's worth of jewelry all gone. A reminder not to be thinking of enjoying life or anything.

Example 2: two weeks ago, S and I take a day to drive to a national tennis tournament two hours away, thinking we are just going to wallow in the day and enjoy the moment to the full. We don't even get two hours down the road when my car is kaputt and is still down there. I'm facing a minimum of €1000 to get it back. Of course, the day was not fun after that.

Example 3: Yesterday. I'm buzzing at the thought of my first day out with estate agent lady with her foreign clients to view beautiful houses. This could be my future. One day, S15 will be gone and I will be alone. I would love to work in this sector and possibly have a future business venture with this woman. Finally, something exciting and completely new. Something that would never have happened without BD. I barely get back home, exhausted but satisfied, relaxing for a bit on the couch, when my S comes crying hysterically down the stairs to me. I think he's severely hurt somewhere. No, he just worked out he's failed school.

Without risking sounding pessimistic, but what am I supposed to learn from all this? We are talking 3 examples since Easter week, less than 2 months ago. I can't help but feel that I must never rejoice or feel that life is on the up. It seems as if the moment I might even think that I should be having a happy existence, something major comes down on me to remind me that I am not allowed to have it good, or maybe that I must not presume that I should have it good.

Maybe I'm not explaining myself correctly and am risking sounding like a victim. I just feel that there is a lesson for me here whether I like or not. I might be safer for me not to rejoice in the moment. Maybe it's not meant for everyone. I don't know if I'm the only one who is having these kinds of experiences.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online Mitzpah

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Milly,

I won't pretend to have the answers. I used to have similar thoughts in my life before all this happened. I would be in a lovely situation, maybe on holiday, with all my family and I would feel that maybe I didn't deserve so much happiness, that I was fortunate beyond measure and I would be afraid that it might all end suddenly, after all, very few people had what I had...

And then, it happened, didn't it? I lost that idyllic existence, my beautiful family was torn apart and the life I so appreciated, the dreams of retiring with my beloved were all gone.

I have had to learn to face the losses and hard reality head on, I won't say that I have learnt to dream again - however, I know that my future is in the hands of God and He is faithful.

Milly, you are becoming stronger and stronger, you are helping your children by example.

This way of thinking that you are referring to is what is known as 'stinkin thinkin'  and it really leads to nothing. As to whether your h. is planning retirement at the side of the ow - you don't really know. I suspect he is not thinking at all - he can't even engage with his son in an ideal manner, he seems to be parroting ow's ideas... I know, I have been through this too - the ow in my case is a psychologist, so you can imagine what I used to hear ::)

I wouldn't spend more time thinking about what your h. is doing - concentrate on what you can do and take steps toward your future.

It is not easy when you think you are moving forward and then something seems to pull the carpet out from beneath you, I understand. I think you are strong and soon you will be marching forward, a shining example to your children :)

((((Hugs))))
M 57
H 57
S 27
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline MillyTopic starter

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Thank you so much, Mizt, your post is helping me.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Acorn

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(((((HUGS))))))), my dear Milly...
It really sucks to have all of that happening in a matter of months...
When it rains, it pours.  I get it.  I had a similar situation where one thing after another happened and I asked God, ‘Why me?  What have done to deserve all this?’  After some TIME had passed, I could see that all the problems, bar one thing (my father’s terminal illness), were fixable or did not matter in the long run.

Given your tenacity and can-do spirit, you will feel OK again sooner than later.  I know this for sure because you have proven it time and again.   

Your S is in pain right now but also learning a valuable life lesson - choices and consequences. I was a high school teacher for many years and have seen the repeat kids look beaten in the first week of the new school year and then they adjust to the new normal just like that.  I have not seen any child that failed to adjust.  Kids are wonderful that way.  They let go of the past and move forward.  We can learn from them in this aspect for sure. 

As for your H being a goat, well, that’s what MLCers excel at.  It’s always someone else’s fault.  Don’t pay any mind to his nonsense.  As for him planning ‘getting old’ with OW.  He cant’ even plan for today! 

More hugs, Milly.
« Last Edit: June 13, 2019, 04:21:38 PM by Acorn »
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Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online Treasur

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Fwiw I think your son is showing some real balls, Milly. Refusing to run away to another school, refusing to blame others for his mistakes, refusing to be bullied by your h. Your h could learn a lot from him....tbh you can't play serious sport within a strong mind and I suspect what your son will learn from this will far outweigh the school lessons. I hope you don't mind but second hand, I feel rather proud of your young man  :)

Well, if your h is planning an old age with ow, I guess it will be one where he never eats a decent salad dressing again lol. And any relationship with his kids will depend on their kindness not his parenting skills. All the questions to your son are like a kind of virtual snooping parenthood aren't they? Still all about him really. And I hope your daughter is prepared that he will throw her very kind olive graduation branch back in her face bc it sounds as if there is a fair chance he won't go....we all know that 'I don't know' by an MLCer usually means 'No...I just don't have the balls to say so'.

More importantly, you and the stinkin thinkin...and haven't we all been there.
This experience turns the foundation of our lives to quicksand.
We work so hard for so long to build a new foundation and it feels wobbly for quite a while. And often of course we are doing it while our MLC spouse pops up with more hand grenades or a big hammer to chip away at what we have built.
When life was normal, bad things happen but we have a solid foundation, back up, resources and are used to assuming that normal=it will be ok. But after this experience, our foundation is a work in progress, our back up and resources are less and we know that sometimes it isn't all ok in the end. Or not for quite a while. I suspect that leaves a bit of us with a thinner skin, like a happy dog who still remembers the feel of a stick.

All of what you described happened. And it was bad that it did. But the other bits of the story were just as real too. The little courtyard of flowers, the friends at the Easter barbecue. The kind mechanic who drove you and your son. The exciting opportunity of a new business venture which seems tailor made for you. The strength of your relationship with your son and his own courage and honesty. Imho, these things will outlast and bear bigger fruit than the short term fear and cost of lost possessions or an old car or a problem with maths. I honestly believe that in a few months or a year, it is the flowers and the kindness and the new business and your remarkable son that will be the things that stick and sustain you long after the burglary, broken car and school hiccup are just a story of 'well, didn't we do well to get past that bit of crap'. How you feel is normal and understandable. What happened to your h and m and family and life sucked...no denying it.

But, maybe unlike you, I have no doubt you will shrug off the fear that creates the doubt that creates the defensive stinkin thinkin...bc it is simply not who you are, Milly. Nor your son or your middle daughter either actually. Pink fridge, flowers and prosecco in the sunshine is your natural default setting and you will get back to that soon.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Dear Milly,

I like what Treasur said about our foundations being a bit shaky as we are rebuilding them and things that we used to look at and think "Well, THAT was a load of hooey, glad it is over" become so much worse and can seem like HUGE obstacles...

For S, yeah, this was the shot across the bow, the warning shot and he has taken it to heart... My S12 got one of those too mid-year (also for math) and it made a VERY big impression on him. Of course, he is in 6th grade so it is a bit different but he had time to see that, yes, it was HIS actions, his choices to play on his phone and stuff rather than study that had a direct impact on his grades and that yes, just maybe mom and dad were not just talking out their butts when they were saying that he had to be more active in his school work... One of those lessons that all kids have to learn at some point, and sometimes the lesson is harder than for others. But, like Treasur said, your S has already started stepping up to the plate by NOT pulling an MLC and running away... despite having the shining example (and even encouragement) of his "father."

Like I have said before, the spate of obstacles will eventually pass... maybe like a kidney stone but they will pass... and once they do, it's back to Milly as usual.

the REAL lesson is not that you shouldn't be happy and look at the good things in life. It is that the setbacks are temporary and that they will not last forever.  There will always be times when we trip and fall but what matters is what we decide to do - stay down on our knees or get up, shake off the dust, maybe put a bandaid on the scrape and get going again...
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Savoir Faire

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Milly, I am so sorry about your beautiful boy.  I am positive these things are sent to make us stronger.  In the earlier days, my H would do one horrible thing a week and I actually read back now and don't know how I made it through, but I did and made it very well.  Now H is miserable living with ow and S22 and I are happy and cozy in our little house together.

I fought like crazy to get to this place of relative peace and you will do this too.  Your son has you to guide him and he will do well.  It's no surprise they have a hard time after their Dad leaves and you are his strength.

your H's horrible comment was his pure projection of what he knows in his heart is because of him.  He is not happy with the ow and time will show this. 

I also get quite angry about the ow sharing life with H now, we had so many plans for the future and he's spending all the time with her and living our dreams with her as well.  I absolutely know this will not work for either of our men, they will fail at these relationships, just watch this space >:( >:(

Meantime, keep being a wonderful mother to your Son, he is going to shine and do well.  He just needs to sort himself out a bit after all the hurt.  Look at this as a new beginning and a chance to show your H what the two of you are made of.

You are a wonderful mother to this boy Milly and your H is an idiot.  It's possible he's jealous of what you have together and lashed out.  What a fool. 

Don't get mad, get even ;)
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Dumbfounded

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I am glad to see your S thinking through the problems and solutions in such a positive manner. Good for him!! We don't make any real progress from our comfort zones and he is showing some real maturity in the face of adversity and discomfort.

I think we really get ourselves in a pickle when we think there is some happiness destination that we are supposed to arrive at where it is all sunshine and flowers everyday. That is not how life works.... life has ups and downs and ebbs and flows regardless of our circumstances. People die, get hurt, leave and get sick and let us down. Our cars, refrigerators and hearts break and we have financial problems, health issues and bad luck and in between we have celebration and births and grand adventures full of sunsets and success and blessing. It is, as always, up to us how we react to all of it. It is our individual responsibility to bring to the joy everyday... to ge grateful and kind no matter the circumstances of our life.         

As for H and OW... hit that stop button Milly. You can not predict the future and you shouldn't even try. Leave H to his mess.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline MillyTopic starter

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Acorn, thank you for your reassurance from a HS teacher's point of view. I have to tell myself that it's best and that there was a good reason for this. I hope it is that my S learns about consequences. I worry that his extreme height will make him look like the big stupid kid and effect his self esteem.

He's only told two friends at the moment as he's ashamed. They will all know on Tuesday when the results come out. I think he's really worried about what they're going to say. I am also a little worried about how the parents are going to treat me: will they shun me now since they don't want their kids to mix with the useless kid.

And Acorn, I did laugh when you said my H can't plan for his old age with OW because he can't even plan for today. That was funny and that's always good for me.

Dear 'Auntie' Treasur, how lovely to say you are proud of 'our' S. I will tell him. Yes, he is showing strength of mind by not running away to another school, especially since he's been given that option and encouraged (as UM says) to do so.

 You also made me laugh at the idea of old age without a decent salad dressing. I see good food as a major ingredient of my old age. I also thought about what you said about preparing D22 for H not grabbing the olive branch. She's coming back tonight so I will be able to talk to her. Knowing how wise she is, she has already worked it out. It's me who still thinks that kindness can have an effect on bad people.

Savvy, thank you for the kind words about my capacities as a mother and the relationship between my S and I. I guess I should know it's all projection with my H but it still gets to me and then I wonder if he's touched a sore spot as in maybe there's some truth to it. But that would be cycling thinking.

Mitz, I'm glad you told me about stinkin thinkin because it makes me feel that there is a solution to those times when the doom and gloom thoughts come. As if I'm in a manual and I'm not a rare unique helpless case.

DF, I hit the stop button and it helped. Thanks for reminding me to do that. And thanks for pointing out that life is full of mostly fixable problems and that's just the way it is. There is is no unicorn filled world somewhere.

It's now 3 days since we found out S failed the school year. He's very down, very silent, no appetite. I'm not worried about this aspect, but these are symptoms of him not being himself. He went out to dinner with H the night after he found out and went out to dinner with him again last night.

H picked him up from his tennis and they went into the center of Florence. They were wondering around looking for a restaurant, and H said I know let's go to the Y.... Bar. This is a causal pizza place that H and I used to go to regularly when we first met. I haven't been back in 30 years but we walk past it at times. H asked S if he'd ever been to it. S said no, but that Mummy had told him that we used to go. Inside H said to S that the tables were exactly the same as they used to be (wooden with a design). Makes me think that not even H has been back there in years. H is here right now, mowing my lawn.

Tonight D22 comes back from the UK. We only have one car now so it's going to be a little difficult. I spoke to the mechanic on the phone yesterday and he suggests I look into trading in my car in the broken state for a new one. So I'm going to have to go to some car dealerships and compare what they will give me for my broken car if I trade it in, compared to the costs of repairing it. Ugh, I hate doing car stuff. I don't understand it at all.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Anon

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Hi Milly - I hope the next few months go smoothly for you.  This string of rotten luck can’t go on forever.   
Quote
I can't help but feel that I must never rejoice or feel that life is on the up. It seems as if the moment I might even think that I should be having a happy existence, something major comes down on me to remind me that I am not allowed to have it good, or maybe that I must not presume that I should have it good.
I think this way too.  My marriage ended just a week or so after I was marvelling at how happy and content I was with the life we had.  I had those thoughts often and now some days I struggle to count my blessings.  If the blessings aren’t obvious, it’s worth it to look deep for them because focusing on them lifts your mood a lot.  There are even some blessings I have now that I didn’t have before bd.

I also get ticked that he gets to have someone,,,possibly into old age while I am left alone approaching my old age.  The thought is gloomy but who knows what our future holds and who might be in it?

Quote
He's not going to be alone and the person who will be on the couch with him will be this terribly cruel OW.
It’s weird, how often these horrible people wind up being the op.   I’ve mused in this in my own situation and I wonder if it doesn’t boil down to sex.  MLCers live in a fantasy world and what fantasy, especially for men, doesn’t include mind blowing sex?   I’ve heard enough about my h’s ow to know that every fantasy he’s every had has been his reality with her.   Not to mention that he sees her as incredibly beautiful, hot hot hot body, dresses seductively so that rarely do other guys lay eyes on her and not drool.  That’s what his brain sees anyway.  She’s 62,,,  To the rest of the world she is just ‘meh’.   

So for a guy in MLC, this might be the only thing that matters and the personality, morals, character are nice to have’s but not a requirement.   I have a book “crossing the soul’s river”, that was written ages ago.   It’s about the male midlife identity crisis or transition but it has a fascinating chapter that is all about them finding the “soulmate”.   It seems to say this stage is necessary and is all about seduction, sex, and sexual fantasies and meeting the 'anima'.  In the end, the soulmate is simply someone they use to help them on the journey across the 'soul's river'.   It’s way to long to summarize but I’ll try to find room to pack it when I visit or at least photocopy the chapter.  In the end, this stage ends with the absolute necessity of saying goodbye to the soul mate in order to continue their search for themselves.  It’s an interesting book, much is perhaps no longer current thinking but it’s interesting nonetheless.
« Last Edit: June 16, 2019, 09:57:22 AM by Anon »

Online Savoir Faire

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Sounds like your son is having a normal reaction to his news.  Hopefully he will be fine in a few days time once he's done some processing.  Don't worry about the other parents, that's their problem not yours, just like your H.

Your H is out mowing the lawn again :o  Maybe it's his processing time.

You and I will be looking for cars at the same time Milly!

I have the car which was the 'family' car, the one I drove the kids to school with and the one xH used to drive to work prior to that, so it has some history and triggers me a bit, so I will be glad when it's gone.  It's also old and needs a lot of work.

It's so hard to have to do all these things by ourselves.  Shows us how darn strong we really are.  I think even if I have a man in my life that I will remain way more independent than ever before as I don't know if I could ever trust anyone so completely again.

Milly, work out what kind of car you want and look it up on the car sales websites to make sure you have the price about right. Don't allow any salesman to talk you into anything you are not happy with.  Go at the end of the month as they need to make a certain amount of sales and are usually desperate at month's end so you may get a  better deal.  It's a good time now because of the end of financial year.  We can do this together Milly, let's put our big girls panties on and go!!!
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline UrsaMajor

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We can do this together Milly, let's put our big girls panties on and go!!!

Sorry... I know.... I am going to Hades...

Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Savoir Faire

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Goodness Ursa, I don't think they are THAT big  ;D ;D ;D  If I turn up to the car yard in those, I'll definitely be asked to leave!!
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline MillyTopic starter

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Anon, all you wrote have been my thoughts, too. Also that incredible sex is maybe the major drug involved with my H and OW. My H definitely has an addictive personality. Hate to think of it, though! Would make it really, really hard to have sex with him again. It would be like going from a Lamborghini to a Fiat.

Savvy, thanks very much for the advice on the car and letting me know about the end of the month being better for a deal. I didn't know these things. Yes, let's get our 'biggest' pair of panties on and get ourselves new cars.

UM, you are going to Hades! But what a laugh you gave me!! So you're forgiven!

Last night H was in contact with S as we went to pick up D22. I was annoyed I guess, and asked S to ask his dad for the money €200 for his Christmas present. This brought on the usual, selfish, MLCer subdued monster. H's answer to S was that he bought him some tennis shoes recently and that I needed to pay 50& of them, so he would deduct the shoe amount from the Christmas present. So still the very immature, money is mine, stingy Replaying MLCer.

I told S this morning to forget the conversation with his dad about the money because it's obviously not going to go anywhere good. S said but if Daddy brings it up again himself, I'm going to tell him that you have bought me everything so far. Then S said but if he doesn't give you the money, I'm going to give you the €100 gave me for my birthday.  S said it in a categoric manner, as is he really meant it.

He did leave a card with €100 in it for D22 for her birthday. She looked at it and went meh. Not because she doesn't need the money but it just comes with such a bad taste.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Man... Every time I read what a twatwaffle H is being, a mental image involving a road trip and a 2x4 comes to mind...



and S saying that he will forfeit his B-Day money to make good on a debt that his F owes....

 :'(
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Rising Phoenix

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Milly, that is so sweet of you son. My daughter is like that. Neither of my children will display cards from their father. They dong get presents from him any longer.

My h has trouble performing sex with ow. She has to get him tablets to aid him. Never had an issue at home. She sent them once on one of his many returns. I flushed them. Cheeky ^<~> asked for them when he left and then moaned that they cost £80 and I had flushed them. I said your lucky as I nearly sent them to ow with a note saying not required here! Cud of bought your kids a present with that money! Xx
Me 51
H52
Married still, 22yrs
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Offline Mortesbride

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Milly I am just catching up on your thread...

I swear when I read post #42 where he said ''Milly if you'd done a good job this wouldn't have happened'' I absolutely wanted to go nuclear on him. How freaking dare he! First of all how can he have any right what so every to criticise your parenting when he is an absent parent?! Secondly at that age your son is responsibility for his own school success or failure. Honestly I can not tell you how pissed off I am at him. Seriously would have laid a smack down all over him for that.

As for post #56 I can see how each of those could drag you down, particularly in the moment. I do not think you are meant to learn to 'never rejoice' or feel life is on the up.

Perhaps example 1 is to teach you that love and memories aren't housed in things. Those memories are forever inside you, with or without the item associated with it.

Maybe Example 2 is a lesson in...sometimes things go wrong no matter how great a day we plan, what is important is how we make the most of those hiccups.

Example 3 you had a fantastic day out, you are looking forward to your future....and later your son is upset because he failed school. Granted as a mom this will upset you, but that isn't your fault or on you. Perhaps the lesson here is to comfort and soothe him, but that you understand these are consequences of his actions not yours.

I think if people give into ''I am not allowed to have it good'' type thinking they fall deeper and deeper into sadness and depression. That is one of the things Beast used to say all the time, and look at him now.

Sometimes we have $h!tety days, or weeks, or months...but it is better if you can focus on the silver lining and relax with the bad. Focus on the fact you had a good Easter lunch and are planning on planting flowers...Focus on getting one to one time with your son on a nice day..... focus on gaining new friendships with this lady....and on teaching your son how to be a man and own his own consequences.

I like what Ursa said about setbacks are temporary and will not last forever. Very true in almost every situation.

I traded in my old car that required repairs as a deposit on a new one. Worked out fine for me.

And Rising that is hilarious. I definitely would have mailed them back with a ''not required'' note.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline GonerinGhana

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I don't think they are all that attractive.

My H started off with nicknaming OW a "bear." And indeed it was an apt description. No offense to UM, but her figure was kind of like that of a brown bear standing on its hind legs, big but with sort of droopy hips. One day I told him "bear" is slang for hairy gay men. That was the last time he ever used the word to describe her! LOL.

The latest animal comparison was "elephant." That one leaves nothing to the imagination and is currently apt.


Offline Maleficent

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Milly, Catching up.  What you said about falling into the doldrums did resonate with me.  It does seem as though we are all in this patch of life where we cannot control anything and wonder what will happen next.  I was also having a dark day.
I took Mitzpah's words to heart about overcoming stinking thinking and moving forward
Quote
And then, it happened, didn't it? I lost that idyllic existence, my beautiful family was torn apart and the life I so appreciated, the dreams of retiring with my beloved were all gone.

I have had to learn to face the losses and hard reality head on, I won't say that I have learnt to dream again - however, I know that my future is in the hands of God and He is faithful.

Milly, you are becoming stronger and stronger, you are helping your children by example.

Your H does seem to be getting closer to your son. And another Milly moment, that in the midst of everything he mows the lawn.

Your son has been on his own rollercoaster lately and I have been thinking that he may be able to use these experiences to build that all important trait of resilience.  And, he is so incredibly sweet about wanting to take care of you with the money--he is becoming a fine man and very protective of his mother.  Enjoy the time with your daughter!
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Offline Puzzled

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Milly, I'm so sorry to hear about your son and how he has taken the news of having to redo a grade in school.  This happens a lot in Germany, too.  I'm not in favor of these school rules where kids need to repeat an entire school year because they flunked one subject.  I hope your son will adjust well next school year and not be too hard on himself.  Our kids go through so much because of their MLC parent, it's not easy for them.

As for your H blaming you?  I guess this is out of the MLC textbook that my H must have read, too.  He blamed me for our D11 being diagnosed with depression because, according to him, I'm so sad about him leaving me, and how D11 is feeling is just a reflection of my emotional state.  ::)

Overall, I have a strong feeling that your H is trying to get closer to his S and D22 these days.

Stay strong, Milly -- wishing you a lovely time with your D22 being home.
Me: 47 (43 at BD1)
H: 53 (48 at BD1)
D: 10 (6 at BD1)
Met in 1995, married since 2000
BD 1: August 2014
BD 2: October 2015, H moved abroad
August 2018: Received divorce papers in the mail unexpectedly

Offline KeepItTogether

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And Acorn, I did laugh when you said my H can't plan for his old age with OW because he can't even plan for today.

I actually had the same thought Milly.  We tend to think they are their "old selves" who may have been capable of planning. But this newer version? Eh, I think not. But I totally understand your feelings. I get down in the dumps like you and think how lucky "they" are to have each other while I am all alone. But, well, they have EACH OTHER.  She is a self-centered, pouting, drama queen who probably can't even drink wine as it will affect her waistline too much. And he is a lying, cheating, abandoning man-child who steals from and sues his own children. Good times.

And your S wants to give you that money in case H doesn't? That is both heartbreaking and miraculous all at once. What a wonderful boy he is! So many truly amazing attributes. This schooling stuff will NOT define him one bit. He will learn and grow from this experience, once he gets over the pain of it all. Hmmmmm, sounds familiar. ;)
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

 

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