Author Topic: My Story The Pink Fridge is my new normal. 5yrs since BD, H different this year  (Read 1299 times)

Offline Treasur

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Funny, Milly....it is like he is trying to force your son to be the 'man of the house' somehow based on what he thinks of course and filling the void that he created almost. Almost using son as a proxy.

Well, any conversation between them is their business. Out of interest, Milly, what conversation or agreement have YOU made with your son about any responsibilities or jobs YOU would like him to do as part of YOUR shared home and life? Bc actually your h doesn't live there and no longer gets a casting vote does he? If you and your son agree that he will contribute by doing x or y, fair enough. Equally if you decide you don't care, like doing it yourself, growing the longest grass display in Itsly or hiring a handsome shirtless gardener to do it....entirely up to you right? I do like the idea though that your grass is literally greener  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline sachat3

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Attaching

I would say a nice shirtless gardener would be the perfect tonic 😏 but you would have to share some pics of him HA!

No in all serious it’s funnt how they move out, they do whatever but they then think they have some days on the house. It was only the other day Clington walked into my house with his whole tool box ready to fix D7 bed. I normally do these things but I just didn’t have the parts which is where I think Clington saw his opportunity because not only did I not have the parts I wouldn’t have known what parts to get. Strange how they work isn’t it but as I look out of my window and see doom and gloom I’m very  jealous of your gorgeous Italian home!
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline UrsaMajor

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Gotta love those Type A Micromanaging Mid-Lifers, don't cha... or not....

Just goes back t the "their own life is so out of control, they try to control the lives of those around them as compensation" thing.

So, the $24,000 will be "Will H take the lifeline/lesson tossed to him by D22 or will he cock it up?"
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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Offline KeepItTogether

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I would say a nice shirtless gardener would be the perfect tonic 😏

Tee-hee. I quite agree!  And I also am so in love with the descriptions of your new home and village.  So very quintessential Italian countryside which for this (yet another) half Italian here, sounds beyond dreamy.

But of course reality comes in the form of a 50-something man-child I suppose. And wow--the mania. He seemed super interested in what you thought of all that gardening effort.  So strange that they run from us at all costs and yet want to know certain things about our lives still.

What caused me to not be living at peace? Was it an issue I had? Or did living with my immature H cause me to become like that? I know that when I was a child, I was like I am now but more so. They say we are always our chore person, I hope this is who I am becoming again.


I think many of us with the "fixer" quality tend to pretzel ourselves in order to "create" that peace even while living in a not so optimal environment. I think we lose a part of ourselves too b/c we are so worried about making everything perfect. Basically co-dependent. Which I would never in a million years have ever thought I was. But I definitely was. And that is why I think my H's abandonment and betrayal hit so hard. I'm sure it is that way for many of us.

Milly--I do believe your inner core is coming out again. And that will take you even further in your already amazing journey. We get bogged down in logistics--I mean you've had to sell your family home and business, move a few times and then contend with your H's ridiculous lawsuits and other deplorable antics. Any one of those, much less ALL of those things, would rattle someone in the best of circumstances. And you got through it all in a most lodevole fashion.  :D And now with much drama behind you, and having acquired the skills to deal with horrible, awful people, you can settle in even more and focus on Milly, and her amazing children.

Following long my friend, and being inspired to make some of my own pink fridge moments.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Shining Star

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I am here too, and love the idea of the shirtless gardener.  What a good idea - Treasur!
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline Anon

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Still following Milly.   Your story has gotten pretty interesting lately.  :)

Offline Dumbfounded

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Attaching.... I have been working in the yard myself the last few weekends. The work is hard but the results are always so lovely and enjoyable. I think the work we do on our homes generates the energy that we put into it to the outside world. Your new home is probably starting to generate Milly's peace and success... a
new vibe for your H and so he is perplexed and drawn to it by curiosity because he is obviously not able to recreate it in his own environment.   

Interesting that he is trying to coerce S12 to fill the void he himself left.  He acknowledges the void that should not be there.  I wouldn't read too much into it but it is fascinating that he is poking at it a bit.  He is trying to process something in his head.... and that usually sends them off into the tunnel.   
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline stillbaffled

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Count me in as another gal working in the yard....black dirt, landscaping fabric, mulch, tree branch removal.  The chores seem endless outside right now! 

However, I agree with DF.  The work is so worth it and so satisfying at the end of the day. 

Milly, your place sounds so lovely.  I would love to visit. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline CanLetGo

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Following Milly, so good to acknowledge your changes and growth, I feel these same things as you, think life taught me some major lessons as a LBSer.

Your h remains ‘interesting’, never a dull moment on your thread!
Me 45
H 49
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

Offline MillyTopic starter

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Thank you, Sachat, UM, Kit, Shining, Anon, DF, Still and CLG for posting.

Treasur, interesting idea that my H might be putting S in his place, trying to make him the man o f the house. Almost as if he realized the man is missing. As far as what agreement I have with S (because as you say, I can do what I want!), S agrees to cut the grass for me, but it's a flexibable thing. He does it when I need it and when he doesn't have to study. Love that the grass is tall and green here at Milly's! Shirtless gardner, yes, just not H!

UM, yes, interesting he's micromanaging my life from a distance without having any real involvement in it. Just judging that it's not being done perfectly.

KIt, he does seem interested in my thoughts. I hadn't thought of it that way. I just thought he wanted to make sure I knew he had an expensive toy, like showing off to me like that makes him look desirable.

DF, I like the idea that the home generates the energy we put into it. Like everything, I guess.

So yesterday was a crazy day. I started out taking S14 to a tennis tournament a couple of hours away on a beautiful sunny day. We were going to enjoy our day away from the troubles of our daily lives. We're on the freeway singing along to a recent hit, when my car starts making huge noises. I think I've burst a tire. We pull over, but no they're all fine. We take off and the noise goes away, but my fifth gear keeps popping out of its slot. I get worried. As I slow down and change gears, my car makes horrible noises. I finally pull off the road because I'm scared the gears are not going to work and find a mechanic. We are 5 km from S's tennis tournament and have 10 minutes to get there.

In my bad luck, my good luck is there is a mechanic right there. I tell him about S, can I rent a car from you, he has no rentals, can I find a taxi? It will take them 30 minutes to arrive. The mechanic says, look I'll close up the garage and drive you there myself. Your S needs to play his match. So grateful for nice people.

So we get to the tournament. I'm carless and the mechanic won't be able to fix it until next week. I sort out a ride with one of the other parents to get back to Florence. He can't take me home because he has a meeting. S and I get dropped off on a main road and have to find a taxi home, more money. The mechanic just called me to say I need a complete new gear box. Ugh lots of money.

Positive was that I got to meet up with an LBS who used to be on the forum but no longer is as she's moved on and doing well. We had a couple of hours together and that was really enjoyable.

Last night when we got in it was after 6pm and S had so much studying to catch up with. I helped him study until midnight, something I have done with my D's too when they were his age. H was in regular contact with S all day, wanting to know about his tournament, had we left our house to go there yet? were we there yet? S: car has broken down. H: Oh, no. What's wrong with the car? S: Mummy thinks it's the gears. H: Yikes! S: She thought it was dangerous so she got off the road. H: yes.  Later, H: did you get to your tournament? How did you do? Never mind you'll win next time. Where are you now? How are you getting home? Is mummy with you?  How is Mummy going to go back to pick up the car? Hopefully it won't cost too much.

So today I'm faced with these new big expenses. It's been a few weeks that expenses seem to be dropping out of the sky at me and I'm feeling the pressure to get my finances in better order and to make more money some how. It's not a good start to my day today.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

 

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