Author Topic: My Story The Pink Fridge is my new normal. 5yrs since BD, H different this year  (Read 1393 times)

Offline MillyTopic starter

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You guys are so lovely and so funny! Love the way you guys have taken on 'lodevole.' Treasur, love your opposites, too. My H is definitely disprezzabile, but he might also be scadente: lacking in something, or going off, as in food!

UM thanks for my gif and thanks for those saying I will rock. That does feel good!

I haven't sorted the car out yet, would love for H to pay for it, but......Like some of you say, I would much rather have money from H than anything else, because I need money.  I will not wave the damages so he will have to choose himself how he wants to go forward the following 6 months of his life: having less money to party it up but supporting his family, or be stuck at home and having to justify to everyone why he can't go out any more? Or maybe worse for him, having to be patient and thoughtful and help the elderly or who knows what. I think the great part will be that he basically has the choice on what happens to him. I know it will still all be my fault in his eyes, but there will be a signature from a judge on the form, not mine. That is if everything goes as planned at the appeal, because you never know around here.

School has been out since yesterday here so S15! is sleeping in these days, tennis every afternoon. It got very hot here all of a sudden, in the 30's every day.

The estate agent lady I've been doing an afternoon of translating a week for, has asked me to go out this afternoon with her to take some Belgian clients to see some properties. This is my first time out doing this and I'm so excited. I worked on my wine work until 11pm last night so that today I wouldn't feel guilty. I have to say that working does make me feel good to some extent. I'm tired today but I don't see going out for the afternoon to see properties as a stressful job, or even a job at all, compared to my RL.

I'm going to wear a pretty (respectful) linen dress and my new flat snake skin sandals.

Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline sachat3

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Your going to look banging Milly!
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline MillyTopic starter

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My S has failed school. He is going to have to repeat the year. He's 6 foot 1, going to be in class with kids a year younger. His friends will go on ahead. The school called H this morning to tell him. H didn't tell us. S talked to me this evening and said he heard that another kid's parents got called to say he had failed and had I received a call from the school. I said no. Then I said ask your dad. S asked him at around 8pm. H answered at midnight that yes the school had called and they'd talk about it tomorrow.

S was crying his head off. Said he was so sorry to me. Said he was soo stupid. He's curled up in a ball crying his head off. I send messages to H. I'm blocked of course. I send message on S's phone saying S is crying his head off and that I needed to talk to him and know what they said. I call, H doesn't answer. I call over and over and over until he finally answers and says yes, S has failed. I said when did you hear? H said this morning. I said and you didn't call me? And he says, I was going to talk to S15 tomorrow. I said you knew this major piece of information and you didn't think you had to call the mother who has been looking after him? And he says, well Milly, if you'd done a good job this wouldn't have happened. I said I've been doing it all by myself. Maybe if you'd helped. He said I controlled S and prevented him from seeing him. I said ok good bye.

I can tell you I'm at my limit. I feel I'm about to have a nervous breakdown. This year is not going the way I hoped.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online Mitzpah

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  • How I long for your precepts! Psalm 119:40
Oh Milly,

I am so sorry, it is tough to face this kind of thing alone.

As for his father accusing you of not 'doing your job' - pfffffttt!!!

I have had similar accusations - I turned it back on him - I said "Blaming me does not help our child, the important thing here is to support him and that is what I want to discuss." - He realized that the argument was going nowhere and recanted pretty quickly. Not that he was more present or stepped in, just that he stopped blaming me.

Your son will survive this, it may be good for him to learn to focus on what he wants for his life - we learn that we cannot fix everything and that our role is to stand back and be the safe background but he has to to impel himself forward on his own steam.

((((((Hugs))))))
M 57
H 57
S 27
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline KeepItTogether

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Oh Milly--I am so sorry. I know as a parent I would take on ALL responsibility for such a thing. And then my kind friends would remind me that, no, I (you) did everything and the absolute best you could have under the circumstances and this is yet another TOUGH life lesson for all to get through. And you will get through it.  I agree with Mitzpah in that this is a good lesson for S15 right now as far as the consequences of things. Better to learn it now than later when there are more serious consequences maybe?  I am not minimizing this at all b/c I know I would be in a total tizzy over this too. And of course seeing our babies this upset is soul crushing. We never want to see them hurt. And yet, it is these little (and some not so little) hurts that are character forming. And I always say, my best life lessons came from my biggest mistakes. (I suppose one might include H in that life lesson for me? But I digress).

As for H, well, he was defensive b/c he knew he was wrong to block you. Wrong to not call you immediately with the info. And mostly b/c I believe he takes a massive part of the blame himself so he, being the conflict avoider he is, chose to ignore the situation entirely until it came chasing after him in the form of a mama lion who was understandably upset. Him blaming you is complete projection and I suspect you probably know that.

So try to shake it off (his comments anyway), and come up with a game plan tomorrow when you are fresh. I have complete confidence that you and S15 will overcome this  too, as you have already done in so many other  adverse conditions.

Hugs friend. Breathe. You got this.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online Rising Phoenix

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Milly I’m so sorry. I know son and you are upset but it gives him a chance to get better grades next yr. it’s not ideal or what either of you wanted but perhaps better grades are better than just about scraping through and as mitz said it may help him focus on himself as he may have been focusing on his father instead. Would school consider a retake due to exceptional circumstances?

As for his father and what he said well that is pure projection and down right despicable to not call you. You have done a fabulous job of raising your son and the man has learnt nothing from his daughters not speaking to him.

You did exactly right I feel, ending the conversation as you know it will have no impact what ever you say.

I hope your son recovers quickly from this blow and passes next yr with flying colours. Xx
Me 51
H52
Married still, 22yrs
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Offline CanLetGo

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I’m sorry to hear Milly, a shock for you all, I’m surprised the school didn’t discuss things with you more rather than just informing the outcome. Also surprised they contacted the father, when you are the primary (100%) caregiver. Also can’t believe he didn’t tell either of you, and projects onto you. I would have been throwing that back in his face pronto, unhelpful, but I wouldn’t have been able to help myself. Does S have future career etc ideas? Will tennis be his priority? It’s a drag having to repeat, but there’s more to life than academia. Maybe his path in life will take a different direction, and he’ll be very happy. Thinking of you, hope the dust settles and you and S feel better about it in the coming days, hopefully this is just another loop in the roller coaster of life, and you find at the end of the day it’s happened for a reason, and something good comes out of it, after the initial shock. Hugs x
Me 45
H 49
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

Offline Anon

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Milly,,, I am really sorry to read the latest goings on.  That's a horrible thing for a basically absentee father to do and say.   You know he hasn't a clue about much right now especially when it comes to his son and the mother who has done everything for him these last 5 years,,, including picking up the shameful slack left by his father.   

Please try to resist taking on this blame.  It is projection,,, pure and simple.   One day he may realize this.   You are amazing, we all know it here and we hope you know it too.

Online Treasur

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I agree and I'm sorry for your son too.

Practical things....call the school and be very clear that you are the custodial parent and must ALWAYS be contacted first. That your separated h does not communicate with you directly, travels frequently if there were an emergency, has limited contact with his children and that it was wrong that you and your son had to find out this important information through rumours via third parties. Do not feel ashamed; your h's behaviour as a parent is not your shame to carry. Insist that they write to you confirming that this is what will ALWAYS happen from here on.

Now, you and your boy. S$it happens and this is a life lesson for him. We grow by how we deal with the s$it. When he is ready to talk, help him figure out where he went wrong and what he needs to do to make the next year feel ok. Where the lemons are too maybe? He will have learned by watching you do just that, Milly....as a parent you can help him learn how to find his own grit now.

Does he still want to meet up with his father? Remind him that he can postpone if he would rather? As I suspect - for all the reasons stated here - your h will blame you first and his son second. Any dark thoughts about his own crappy parenting will stay hidden for the middle of the night on his own. You don't have to listen or agree with him of course, just as you did in the call, or validate his BS. do not let him manipulate your mother guilt. Or indeed your son either although to be fair...bc he is a good young human...it sounds as if your son is blaming himself and feels that he has let you down. Hugs. He's a nice young human and he's going to grow into a good man imho. The person who made a cock up here was your son...there may be a bunch of reasons for that but tbh no different from him having a good or bad tennis match is it? You might have driven him to the court but the only person with the racquet in his hand is him. (To be fair, crappy as your h is, the same is true with him...contribution but not causation imho) School is exactly the same as getting better at tennis...maybe help him think about it as if it was a tennis problem? Help him understand the difference between feeling guilty bc he did a stupid thing vs feeling ashamed that he IS stupid....just like tennis which is also a reminder of talents he has that others don't, and that him and Mr Nadal got there bc they worked at it too  :)

And if your son does meet his dad today? Do something nice for you to silence the mummy guilt. Resist blaming your h as much as you can. Listen to your son and try to be his coach so he can figure it out for himself maybe? And remind both of you that the world won't end and you have both pulled through much much worse than this  :) xxxx

PS it will be ok, Milly. Your son will be ok. You will cope with this too. None of us have any doubt about that at all even if momentarily you do x
« Last Edit: June 12, 2019, 11:07:54 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Upintheair

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Now the real test comes Milly. How we behave when there is a tragedy. And how H behaves. Not unusual, that he blames you. Projection, as KIT said it. Try not to be affected by it too much - I know it is hard, but important, because then you can focus on the real problem. I whish you to be able to solve this problem with S, H, and yourself emotionally as possible, and otherwise too.

Up
"Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be attained only by someone who is detached."
Simone Weil
Bd: 03-2015

 

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