Author Topic: My Story The end is nigh  (Read 4181 times)

Online Treasur

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My Story Re: The end is nigh
« Reply #110 on: December 05, 2019, 09:15:54 AM »
I am very sorry, RP. I guess it feels like one more bit of disrespect and self-centredness. And ironic that it coincides with your (now) xh wanting to visit the dog and be in your house. Sigh. My best short term advice is DO NOTHING.....you will understandably have too many emotions for your head to be in charge. No texts, emails, say nothing to your kids, family...talk to the dog maybe lol.

And then pick yourself up, take the gloves off and get your solicitor to take him for every penny you can, every bit of support he has reneged on for your kids, go for the house and full custody with limited visitation bc his track record with his kids is rubbish too and he sent some terrible texts that I hope your solicitor has on file. And in future? Yup, if he did not have the courtesy to tell you he had applied for the absolute, make him wait outside in the cold if he turns up to do fake Dad. Grrr. I don't know if he was a decent man before but he isn't one now....let ow have him.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: The end is nigh
« Reply #111 on: December 05, 2019, 09:20:19 AM »
Rising, I'm so sorry I remember the feeling when I found out his dumb divorce went through and I was divorced.

It's possible he just got the papers too, do you think?

Just know it's not a happy moment for him either.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Treasur

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Re: The end is nigh
« Reply #112 on: December 05, 2019, 09:38:46 AM »
In the UK, Thunder, the petitioner has to apply for the absolute so unforunately he would have known.

What is important to remember, RP....and you probably can't do it now, but you will...is that this foolish weak man threw away years of intimacy and friendship, and his family for a pointless magic fix that will fail. Literally he traded gold for shiny brass. Idk how he feels today...I'm pretty sure he will come to regret his choice in years to come bc ow is no prize is she? And if, like my xh, he does indeed jump into marrying ow that tells you two things you probably already knew but doubted....that ow was driving the divorce bus and he is a weakling. And that a speedy remarriage in these circumstances is the act of a delusional fool who has learned no lessons at all. Oh and as my solicitor said, in the legal trade they call it 'repeat business' bc most of these marriages do not end well at all and ow tend to be vindictive psycho b!tc#es in a divorce....I'd give it five years max...see it as his karma. But by the time it happens, you probably won't care much and will just shrug. Crap choices tend to produce crap consequences in life; it just takes a bit of time to play out, that's all. As you say in your tag line, ow has his balls in a vice...what a happy respectful honest relationship that must be. (You might recall from earlier this year that my xh's owife now controls his text messages and he evidently lets her. I would have hated to be in a relationship like that or to see my then h with so little respect as an adult man. But then I didn't knowingly marry a lying messed up cheater and neither did you. These ow do and trust that some combo of control and their specialness will keep the train on the tracks. Unlikely)

The positive? Which I appreciate is not quite there yet bc of the financial stuff. Events have moved you out of any limbo you were in or any latent desire to be nice to someone who was still your h. It does help with letting go. Your job as an xw who was treated without respect is very limited indeed lol. It isn't what you or your family wanted but it is still possible to gradually see it as a liberation from a really unpleasant situation. I found, without me doing anything at all, that those small drips of caring obligation to a h drifted away when he was an xh. I didn't wish him harm. I trust that life will punch him in the face eventually if there are lessons he needs to learn.  I simply stopped caring so much. It really wasn't my circus.

Oh and another positive? No more need to text him info about the kids as they are old enough to choose to communicate with him directly, unless it is a life-threatening emergency. Bc truthfully he is a deadbeat barely semi-detached father. So one less responsibility for you to have on your list as an xw.

There will be a time when all the mess is resolved and life will feel lighter, I promise. I don't mean that you will never feel sad or WTFish in patches, but you will be off the insane battlefield of MLC and able to retrieve some of the good memories of life before your xh got on the stupid crazy train. Your family may have lost one member, but the core of your family is still there and not going anywhere. Which is your gain and his loss.
« Last Edit: December 05, 2019, 10:06:00 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Gracie3

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Re: The end is nigh
« Reply #113 on: December 05, 2019, 10:19:50 AM »
What a coward and a total piece of $h!te. 

Offline Milly

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Re: The end is nigh
« Reply #114 on: December 05, 2019, 11:42:20 AM »
I'm so sorry, Rising. The D letter is a mini bomb. Mine hasn't arrived yet but it will, and I know to expect it to hurt. I believe everything Treasur wrote in her last post, from the weakness of your H, the OW driving the D, the inevitable repeat business they'll be for his L. And I also believe that once you get over the shock, you will feel lighter. You might even be propelled forward in your journey, helping you move forward better than now. But today is still very hard. I'm really sorry. Hugsxxxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline Philadelphiagirl

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Re: The end is nigh
« Reply #115 on: December 06, 2019, 01:17:41 AM »
RP, just wanted to send you some support and say that I am sorry. The same thing happened to me (and I know has happened to a lot of us here). It truly is the actions of a coward who does not have the backbone to communicate with you. I am trying to sort the financials now. Focus on that now and get the best deal you can for your future and that of your kids. Not sure if you are in the UK, I'm not but my financial proceedings are so if I can help you with any questions about the process I am here. Take care and do something nice for yourself this weekend. Hugs, PG xxx   

Offline Thunder

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Re: The end is nigh
« Reply #116 on: December 06, 2019, 02:06:39 AM »
Treasur,

I get confused about how that Absolut works, sorry Rising.

Here one files for divorce and after both parties agree to a settlement, it goes to a judge, they sign off on it and then both parties get the final papers in the mail.
So we both find out at the same time the D is final.

I guess that's why I was confused thinking he knew when Rising did, not before.

Well it doesn't matter.  I'm still sorry it came to this Rising.   :(

Hugs

A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Rising PhoenixTopic starterTopic starter

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  • Mlc- Cake eater for 3 yr now vanisher
Re: The end is nigh
« Reply #117 on: December 08, 2019, 01:37:42 PM »
Thank you everyone, I have had swings between tears and anger where I hate him and never wAnt to lay eyes on him.  I think I struggle with I am now single when I have been a wife for so long and how ge did it. Ex h as I now have to call him even sat in my living room thurs while I was at work, fussed our dog and all the while my absolute was on the front doormat!! Oh and said little things changed but still cosy!  I mean no empathy for my feelings at all and did the opposite of what I asked him not to do. Blamed me for asking about it. The next day he picked s16 fir college and surprise surprise no house discussion  that he had mentioned the day before.  S16 said conversation strained and just father said he was tired as not slept well.

I replied that the finances can be discussed when he wishes but as he didn’t do before divorce I am in no rush and I leave squarely with him to sort.
I ended text with “shock over, am ok and silver lining is I can now have sex as I’m single and going to have some fun. “
I had no reply but that was a given! Ex h had tried buy kids affections today and checked several times a day to see if I’m online or text ( son tells me) I have not been online or text since Friday and I no longer have anything to say to him, d14 not  having any of it. She refused to go last weekend. She has had enough.xx
« Last Edit: December 08, 2019, 01:39:55 PM by Rising Phoenix »
Me 52
H52
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Offline sachat3

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Re: The end is nigh
« Reply #118 on: December 09, 2019, 09:38:25 AM »
I think the solver lining for you is the plaster is off. It hurts. But it’s done. There is nothing left for him to do.

Life begins after divorce darling.
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: The end is nigh
« Reply #119 on: December 09, 2019, 09:59:49 AM »
I'm sorry Rising. It really is so disgusting the way they do this isn't it?  Just drop us like trash and move on to their next new life, without giving us a second thought. Or so it seems. Truth is, they are in crisis, and (not that it matters of course), are looking for that elusive happiness.  Maybe OW brings it. No? Maybe a D. No? Well onto the next "happy pill" then. They will be lost until they are not. We as LBS are left picking up the pieces of our own lives and our children b/c these MLCers so often abandon every aspect of their former lives, as if that is somehow a logical choice. We would never do that. But then, WE are not in crisis thankfully.

Secretly, I have to say, I do like the text you sent H after the D. LOL.  You are doing so well by your children. They have a strong mama and know they can count on you always. I like to think that this pain is here today  so that we can  fully understand and appreciate the joys of tomorrow. Your story is not over my friend. But your new chapter is beginning and I have high hopes for you.
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

 

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