Author Topic: My Story Beauty into Beast 13  (Read 2143 times)

Offline MortesbrideTopic starter

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My Story Beauty into Beast 13
« on: June 12, 2019, 11:14:56 AM »
Wow guys already on thread 13...what insanity. I think a long time ago for some reason I thought thread 21 would stick out. Getting pretty close!

Previous Thread is:

Well as many of you know today was the day of my Exam. I think it will be my final Exam on my way to my Bs(Hon) degree. Next year is a research project, so I don't think it has one. I was completely stressed out my nut last night, worrying that I hadn't revised enough. In all honestly I only finished the module reading materials 2 days before. I then had one night to create summary sheets, reminds myself of formulas etc.  :-\

I got an early night, and Beast came over at 7:30 am. He was moody and stressing about what to feed the kids, needed a car seat, and wasn't sure about times. ::) I ended up showing him the times on the board, offering breakfast ideas, and just headed out. Didn't have time to deal with it this morning as I had to get a train.

Now let me just add in total between walking to the train station, then from the train station to the test centre...then back again...I ended up walking about 12 km today. So physically a bit knackered.  :o

Anyway managed to get to the test centre, look over my exam summary sheets a bit, and then went in for the test. I am feeling pretty confident because everything I had reviewed was in there! No odd balls were thrown in. I think I might have lost 10 points max so I am feeling pretty darn pleased. I might just have made a Distinction if I am lucky.  ;D

I also got lucky that it was raining. It sucked because I had to walk in it, but I wanted it to rain so that son's sports day would be cancelled and rescheduled. It would have been the first school event I would have missed because of my exam. So I consider both those a return of good Karma.  :D

Anyway I made it back home just before school pick up times. When I got in Beast was chatting asking how it went, and when I walk into the kitchen I noticed he has bought some groceries. All the basic staples, breakfast stuff, kids snack stuff, ham... I never asked him to do this obviously so it was a nice surprise. In all honesty it was a big help as funds were running low with all the travel and such happening right now. I was genuinely grateful at the gesture, almost teary, and I ended up saying thank you and we hugged. I am not sure if I initiated or he did felt right so whatever. ::)

After he collected the kids from school and we went bowling as planned. He paid for everyone, and then bought us soda's as well. To be honest it is unlike him to be so free with his money. I don't know if it is because he has gotten a bit more money, if it is a guilt thing because he is away this weekend, or if he is just being nice. Either way I appreciate it.

We had fun at the bowling. I won the first game, then middle son won the second game. Everyone seemed to really enjoy it, and it was the first time I have been since before BD.

Afterwards it was back home, and he chatted a little bit before needing to get off as it was getting late (he had already been here 12 hours :o). Out he went, I went in to make dinner...then he came back because he forgot something, and gave everyone a round of hugs...this time I got the one armed shuffle hug that he initiated.  ::)

We won't see him again until after his festival. In the rain. In a tent for the first time. He claims just him and BIL, but I know she is going. ::) Whatever. I am sure there will be fun moments, and I am kind of sad that I have never been to a festival, and he is going to his first one with someone else...but also...I know there is going to be a LOT of b!tc#ing and complaining. I won't be missing that. :P His OCD is going to go mental, the tent will likely get soaked and muddy, assuming he figures out how to put it up...and then you got a 16 year old complaining, and 20 something year old girlfriend to entertain who doesn't like the music, and then you...the happiest guy on Earth.  ::)

So overall feeling elated and like a weight is lifted now that my nights aren't confined to study.

Feeling good that I probably got a decent result even though I was really struggling to finish the workload....

Happy I didn't miss son's school day.

Slightly sad about missing out on a new experience with Beast.

Happy I don't have to experience all the moaning and complaining.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline sachat3

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Re: Beauty into Beast 13
« Reply #1 on: June 12, 2019, 12:08:37 PM »
Staying with you Morte
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Thunder

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Re: Beauty into Beast 13
« Reply #2 on: June 12, 2019, 02:19:40 PM »
I'm glad you sounded pretty confident about test.   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Milly

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Re: Beauty into Beast 13
« Reply #3 on: June 12, 2019, 03:11:10 PM »
Morte, you are a star! You are such an amazing girl! Well done a thousand times! You see, I am your other mother!

Reading how you only finished your reading work a couple of days ago and still had to do so much and then how long you had to walk, in the rain, just to get there, my gosh, I know it's just a regular LBS day, but you were taking an exam at the end of that day, with 3 little kids you've been taking care of the whole time, I'm just in awe.

I'm so glad karma arrived at the station on time and allowed for you to not miss your S's sport's day. Oh, for those little wins!

Love also that Beast did the shopping, paid for bowling, and gave you the shuffle hug. Maybe he paid for everything because he was feeling happy. A wet tent, mass public toilets, noise, cold, damp, hmmmm where's the hotel? You're not missing out on this one, Morte. If your H comes back one day, you will do the camping or the concert night, but it will be comfortable and you will both love it.

Hope you get some sleep time tomorrow and maybe a bottle of flush pink Prosecco. If I were there, I would get you one!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Beauty into Beast 13
« Reply #4 on: June 12, 2019, 06:31:54 PM »

Congrats all around.  Nice job on test. Just one small 2X4

I might just have made a Distinction if I am lucky.  ;D

On HS, you have already passed with distinction!

Very nice job with Beast. I think it is such a noce win for you and the kids to have a fun evening together. I am hoping for rain and a lightening strike that takes out all of Princess Skittles toenails and gives her a permanent curl that only a witch would die for!

Have a nice quiet evening and congratulations again.

"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Beauty into Beast 13
« Reply #5 on: June 12, 2019, 07:16:21 PM »
Nice job Morte , on the exam. You are indeed a version of wonder women !.

I remember something you wrote a long ( long) time ago. You talked about never forgiving or accepting Beast having an affair. EVER. I remember you being very adamant .  This was before you discovered his baby OW. Then for whatever reason, once the OW was discovered , your reaction was not as you imagined. How do you feel about all that now?  I am just wondering if you believe you could or would attempt to rebuild your marriage , given his "affair".  I believe you are "standing", so the question is odd I guess, but given your former feelings about it, what has changed in that regard? 
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Whyus

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Re: Beauty into Beast 13
« Reply #6 on: June 12, 2019, 11:01:13 PM »
Firstly, Congratulations Morte, we knew that you would totally own your Exam and you seem to have done just that.
To what Barbie asked, I think that is the most natural reaction in the world. I was ALWAYS of the mindset "if my Partner cheats on me then im done, I could not live with it". About an hour after finding out about OM I started to think differently, it was that quick. Thoughts like "why throw away 20+ years because of a couple of months BS?", all These crazy thoughts which are probably LBS script or we wouldnt be here.

Its something you can only understand if you have been there and first Hand experience of being dumped like an old T Shirt .
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept/Tolerate them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018

Offline Music45

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Re: Beauty into Beast 13
« Reply #7 on: June 12, 2019, 11:47:46 PM »
Well done you. On all of it!
Me: 51
H: 51
S:26 D:19 [They're his kids. I'm Step Mum. They both live with us - though D at Uni]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

Offline Silver

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Re: Beauty into Beast 13
« Reply #8 on: June 13, 2019, 12:54:31 AM »
Following along Morte. Congrats for the exam. I remember the relief as I finished my studies in 2017 (which lasted almost 10 years total  :o ::))
Remember to party a little  :)

"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline MortesbrideTopic starter

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Re: Beauty into Beast 13
« Reply #9 on: June 13, 2019, 02:18:08 AM »
Wow guys thanks for all the love and support.  8)

Milly- Thanks Cyber mom! ;D It was definitely a struggle doing it all, but the giant study weight is lifted now for a good while, so I can focus on other things. Nothing feels better than that right now.
Maybe he did pay for everything because he was feeling happy. I don't really know. It was certainly odd for him to be so forthcoming so we shall see. I have always wanted to go camping, the kids keep telling me not a chance...sigh. One day.  ::)

Ready- LBS Distinction huh! Wow.. wonder if we will have a class reunion?! It would be entertaining to see her hair frizz up. But then again all she would be is fuzzy hair and a grin of teeth. That might be quiet frightening to look at.  :o  Kind of like those things from the Stephen King movie.

Barbie- What an interesting question. I was very line in the sand about the physical part of the affair. At the time it felt like....a breaking of something only we shared? Giving himself to someone in a way that only we had shared if that makes sense? I felt like them being physical would shatter our connection. I thought that was the only possible thing in this world that could. I had only had one previous relationship to Beast. I thought a physical affair was the worst thing you could do to a person. It is cowardly, deceitful, and I can't comprehend the 'need' to cheat. I know after I found out it had become a PA I actually could not look at him. I did not want him to touch me. It was literally like he was covered in a germ sheet. Physically repulsed me. I had to get rid of our old family car because I knew she had been in it. And to be honest, if he ever offered me a ride in the toy car today I would never accept it. In my mind she is so disgusting I do not want to be touched by anything of hers. I know that seems silly, she is just a person, she isn't the one who did it...but its like...I don't want to be contaminated by her. :P

Anyway, I then researched, and researched and read...and listened to my gut. I knew this was something bigger than 'my husband had an affair'. This is so much larger and more complex then that. There are a few technicalities....technically he was 'out of the house' before he slept with her. I do not have to worry that he slept with her, then slept with me. Also there is some part of me that makes an allowance for the fact that I was his first relationship, he had never been with another woman...I guess deep down I was always afraid that might become a problem down the line (for any man in that situation)...and perhaps that played a part in all of this. None of this excuses what he has done, does paint shades of grey that might make forgiveness attainable.

The biggest lesson I learned in this regard is 'sex' was not what our connection was ever about. I believed sex with another person would break our connection. I was absolutely sure that the sharing of yourself with another would severe the tie. I am not going to lie that it didn't hurt like a mother firetrucker. That I was physically repulsed by him for at least a year. That I am not sure how I will be able to face being naked in front of him...knowing he could be comparing me to her. But regardless of all that...the connection never shattered. As much as I wished it would at times. Something deeper ties us together and I don't even know what it is.

At this moment in time I am ''standing'' but not still. I am not ''waiting for him'', I am ''going with the flow''. I am moving forward with the things I need to make mine and the kids life better, but I am not actively looking for another person. I do miss having one, but...if I am honest I still love Beast and all I would do is compare them to him. That isn't fair to anyone.

I think I have written before and always known...that Beast will come back. I think the question in my mind has always been...will I still be here and do I have the capacity to forgive him?

Most people who have hurt me in my life...are no longer in my life. No exceptions. Until Beast. Perhaps the lesson in all this for me is what unconditional love really is. Not for someone to have toward me, but for me to have toward others. Perhaps the lesson is to love myself and stop relying on others at all. I guess we shall find out.

Whyus- as you say I have a lot invested. 16 years. 3 kids. I moved to the UK from the USA. Hell I even gave up a scholarship to an Ivy League to be here. I spent years helping and building him up, with him through some bad times, but mostly good. We grew together and complimented each other's strengths and weaknesses. I know and appreciate how rare that is in life. He does not. Hopefully one day he will.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.


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