Author Topic: Discussion Should we tell our spouses we are 'standing' for their return? Why or why not?  (Read 1458 times)

Offline UrsaMajor

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During the weeks and months that followed ABD and led to her filing for her D, STBX would often make comments about how we could find our way back together in <fill in the blank> number of years "like <so-and-so's parents> ... and begin reeling off reasons for her D...

I would consistently say that a D is not what I wanted, there were no issues that we could not work through if we wanted to expend the energy to do so, but that I would not stand in her way and it would be HER divorce, 100%.... ...

I would also consistently say that I would not sit and wait for her to decide there was no one better out there so she might as well settle.... I would live my life, that I would never say never but that I would not wait.

Since we have been and will continue to remain bound for at least 10 more years due to having smallish kids, we have a high amount of contact which is allowing her to wallow along without doing any real work on her own issues.....

If I were to tell her that I am standing, i. e. waiting for her to get her head out of her ... .fog... there would be NO incentive for her to heal (not that she has the internal incentive to do it anyway.. She IS a low-energy wallower after all) .... and I'd just be that doormat that she she was used to having....

But more importantly, if I would have told her that I am waiting for her, I would feel morally obligated to wallow myself.. .Instead, I am permitting myself to change, to grow, to recover those parts of me that I left behind on the altar of the marriage...
« Last Edit: June 13, 2019, 05:40:25 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Perfectly said, UM.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Whyus

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Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online Mitzpah

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Speak with Actions not Words

I agree with this.

I have the further disadvantage that "Standing  does not translate well into Portuguese :)"

My h. knows I love him and would welcome him back if he so decided. I have no need to tell him that . If that day comes, in which he may decide to turn back to God and our marriage/family, he will have to express that desire. Until then, I stay in my lane, on my side of the road.

My actions show all that I am getting on with the business of living, taking decisions that impact "my" future and letting all and sundry get on with their lives!

I don't know that telling them or not telling them makes much of a difference, at least that is what I observe in my corner. So, definitely actions not words!
M 58
H 58
S 27
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline heroIam

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Not a good idea.

Hours after BD, I drove to where he was singing in his band and told him I forgave him, to come home, that we had too much to loose.

He almost spit on me when he said, “WE” need space.

I gave him two weeks of space (I must have typed thousands of messages and then erased them), then when he finally called me I begged for him to just see me once a week and I wouldn’t ask one question about what he was doing on his own.

He didn’t even respond. He mentioned something about lawyers and hung up.

Four months after BD, I sent him a message (which I rarely did bc he wanted space) on our anniversary and said, “I miss you and I wish you were home”. That’s it nothing else.
He didn’t respond.

He knew the door was open.

A few months later when we were messaging about something like insurance he wrote,
“you’re really good at making me feel guilty”

Was he F’n kidding? 

I was lucky if I slept more than two hours a night wanting to talk to him. I went from wanting to kill myself to wanting to kill him every five minutes. I was having panic attacks and I was quietly sending him paperwork as he requested it. I never once mentioned where he was, what he was doing or who he was with, and he still found a way to be angry bc I let him know I missed him?

That’s when I decided I would no longer be his doormat.

If he wanted to return, it would be up to him to let me know. They will find a way to twist your words to meet with their agenda. Stand tall, live your best life, whether they look back or not, you will win.


Oh Nah...…..pretty much my story here.
I did let my H know that I never stopped loving him through all this and past years.  I told him I forgave, etc....
He pretty much apologized for everything and said he felt bad I was hurting.  Yea, That was it. :-\   Now he just carries on with his life which most likely includes OW.
So, like you, I decided no more of that.  I pretty much don't contact him at all unless I really really have to about any business related items.  Or to respond to him for a business related question.
I've never flat out said I was standing.  But I have a feeling he knows.  Or at least may know I'm not seeing anyone.
I keep my life mostly private.  I'm not on any social media.  My account still exists on FB but not active on it and haven't been for 4 + years.  (unless it deactivated itself).  I stay off of FB.  Haven't been on since 2014 when BD sh*t came down.  Don't want any part of FB.

And yes to this!!!
Stand tall, live your best life, whether they look back or not, you will win.

“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline Sam I Am

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IMO, telling them you are "standing" is something to be shared when they are receptive.  Doing it during the hardest part of replay when they are anti spouse is no good.  Pressure, control, doormat or however they may see it won't help the situation when they are shut down.

When they get to the point of being receptive....possibly turning back.  Attempting to have some sort of new relationship again, I think SHOWING (as OP stated) you are standing is better than stating it.  Let them see the work you have done.  Let them discover the new person you have become.  You need to still let them do without pressure.

When they get to the point of being ready to talk about things and they are open and receptive, then MAY or MAY NOT be the time to talk about standing.

To me standing actions are:

1. not dating
2. showing love by giving them space and time to heal aka  Leave them alone
3. being courteous when the opportunity presents itself
4. nicely standing up for yourself and not letting them abuse you verbally, emotionally, mentally or physically.  aka  set those boundaries as needed.  Be firm but not snarky!
5. responding appropriately when it is convenient for you.  Sometimes asap....sometimes delayed!
6.  taking care of yourself and bettering yourself for yourself...not for them.  Take the time to care for you so you can be strong for them later.
7.  Thinking things through before responding or contacting....what is the purpose?  What do I expect?  What are the possibly responses?  Is this necessary?  Who is this gonna benefit?  etc.
8.  Being responsible.  Taking care of things to the best of your ability while they are in la la land.
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline heroIam

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Speak with Actions not Words

I agree with this.

I have the further disadvantage that "Standing  does not translate well into Portuguese :)"

My h. knows I love him and would welcome him back if he so decided. I have no need to tell him that . If that day comes, in which he may decide to turn back to God and our marriage/family, he will have to express that desire. Until then, I stay in my lane, on my side of the road.

My actions show all that I am getting on with the business of living, taking decisions that impact "my" future and letting all and sundry get on with their lives!

I don't know that telling them or not telling them makes much of a difference, at least that is what I observe in my corner. So, definitely actions not words!


Yes Mitzpah
Same for me!
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline AnonTopic starterTopic starter

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Quote
(Inspired by something Acorn said on KITS thread).
I have to retract this.  Acorn did say something on KITS thread that intrigued me but this wasn’t it.   Somewhere on a thread I read something about standing that led to this discussion.  Can’t remember which thread now.   Sorry Acorn!
"This too shall pass.  It might pass like a kidney stone but it will pass."
"Don’t blame a clown for acting like a clown.  Instead, ask yourself why you keep going to the circus."

Offline Not Your Monkey

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I think Sam is right about how receptive they may be.

There is a point during replay where it would be like saying "God Loves You" to an atheist. If they don't believe in God, why would they care? They would just think you are trying to shove something down their throat they don't even believe in (in this case, your marriage). They would also have the sense that you disapprove of their current state of mind and may be judging them for it.
« Last Edit: June 13, 2019, 07:16:30 AM by GonerinGhana »

Offline Acorn

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No problem, Anon.  :)

As far as I’m concerned, I neither ‘stood’ nor ‘not stood’.
He had only one pass.  Even then it’s only because I was so bamboozled by the whole thing that I just froze and could not think straight.   

After I recovered my wits, I told him that if he ever falls into it again he knows where the suitcases are.  I told him that was my unmovable boundary as I will not tolerate that kind of disrespect and treachery toward me.  Sayonara, mister, you don’t get to cheat on your wife again and continue to enjoy the comforts of home. 
« Last Edit: June 13, 2019, 07:29:04 AM by Acorn »
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

 

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