Author Topic: Discussion Should we tell our spouses we are 'standing' for their return? Why or why not?  (Read 1461 times)

Offline Savoir Faire

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5466
  • Gender: Female
I don't think we have to tell them we are standing - they know.

The day xH BD'd me I told him there was something wrong and this wasn't a 'normal' break-up.  I told him there was something wrong with him and I would stand by him until he was well.  Upon reflection I can only imagine how that statement went down ;D

I started using Google to find out what was actually happening and thankfully found HS shortly after BD.  I also must have told him a little bit about MLC which he was actually receptive to at the beginning, possibly due to his immense confusion at the time which he also admitted to.

XH said to me almost a year later and he was still at home at that time, that he knew I thought he was going to 'wake up' one day and see this was all a fantasy life and he laughed at me with horrible monster and walked away.  He sure was a crazy one :o

During mediation at the courts, my barrister guessed I was standing and the mediator had a 'chat' with xH about the possibility of reconciliation but did not tell him I had agreed to allow this to happen.  He apparently was adamant he didn't ever want to come back.

Almost a year later, xH asked to see me and I met him for coffee.  XH said it was about selling our property but most of his conversation was about NOT reconciling and telling me he was moving in with ow.  I gave him NOTHING.  Didn't tell him I was standing as it was apparent he knew and I just nodded and said, "well, we are divorced" and totally left it at that.  A couple of months later he moved in with ow but I knew he didn't want to.  He told me nothing, I just 'felt' he was following script.

From my standpoint, I don't need to say another thing.  He knows I think it's a MLC and that annoys him to the point of anger at times.

MLCers probably don't know what 'standing' is they just think we wait for them to get through this.  Something tells me they all know exactly where we are and what we are doing and many sense when we are 'done' and contact again if the time is right.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Penelope2018

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 148
  • Gender: Female
Na. Don't think so. I'd imagine they'd see it as you pressuring them. I heard that a lot from xh. Something simple as telling him to take out the trash was pressuring him. Well drop dead then! ;D That's what I thought sometimes. But yeah, I wouldn't utter any such words. That just seems like it would lead to an argument or monstering. Plus for me personally, it would hurt my pride which has already suffered multiple hits canon balls and bombs. I couldn't even cry in front of him. I just didn't have it in me to give him the satisfaction. I did stand for a while after the marriage obviously since we still lived together, but I don't know if I am now or not. I'm just going with the flow. If I can get out of this rut and find someone worthwhile then I'll probably try harder to move my feelings for xh to the little box in the attic where they belong. If he shows up five years from now completely cooked and I'm single AND he hasn't had any kids or done any other foolishness, then we'll see. But I'm not going to tell him a thing right now.
MLC XH - 40 at BD
M - 32 at BD
My grandmother died 12/16
Mini BD - Jan 2017  - Doesn't want to be married to a "sad" person.
BD - July 2017 - spent the previous 3 months in his home country with OW
OW discovered Aug 2017
EA started Dec 2016? PA start unsure
Filed for D - Aug 2017
D - Nov 2017
Married - 15 Y
No kids
Married OW - 01/2019

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 22528
  • Gender: Female
The question here was "Should we tell them we are standing"...has nothing to do with WHY we are standing.

The why makes no difference.  Everyone has their own reasons.

Do you think they should be told is what the poster is asking.

A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline mightymama

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 307
  • Gender: Female
I didn’t let my H know I’m standing.  I have some moments of weakness but I keep it to myself.  I remain polite and friendly to him for our young son but I don’t give details of my life really.  I found if you say too much, even things not about the relationship, they get jumpy and run.  Just stay polite but keep detaching.
Me - 41
H - 47
S - 7 (on the spectrum)
Married for 8 years, together for 13 years
BD - April 6, 2018, H took off ring and moved out a week and a half after BD.
Divorce final - Aug. 25 2019
OW moved in with XH in Oct 2019

Offline AnonTopic starterTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 888
  • Gender: Female
Quote
But
He did choose those things. They were how he decided to deal with his crisis.
Bc of who I am and how I responded, there were lots of other choices in the middle.
But he chose those. I got little choice at all other than to accept it and protect myself.
I may have felt at the time that part of him was panicking a bit, that he has ended up somewhere he didn't plan to be.
But he did choose it. I have no idea how he feels living it.

You are right Treasur - he did choose those things but not as a normal mentally sound adult person.  He’s very weak as most MLCers are, and easily influenced by the op.  Might even be afraid of the op, (or have Stockholm Syndrome).  In any case, choosing doesn’t mean they make rational or sane choices.  They can’t while in MLC.   it’s like asking a 5 yr old what they want for dinner.  They will never choose the healthy options.     
"This too shall pass.  It might pass like a kidney stone but it will pass."
"Don’t blame a clown for acting like a clown.  Instead, ask yourself why you keep going to the circus."

Offline bluerose

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1452
  • Gender: Female
     No. Do you honestly believe that they care at that point?

Offline DaybyDay1

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 211
  • Gender: Female
This is an interesting question and one I've often wondered.  I think I told my H I was standing in not so many words and in a very roundabout way. 

For example, when I found out he and my son stopped by OW's house one day when they were working, I freaked out.  I know... not a great example of detaching and also a good reason why you shouldn't snoop.  We had a huge text battle and he said it was none of my business if he was with someone else or not and what did I care.  Not exact words, but something along those lines.  I said something about him moving on with his new life but I still loved him and was trying to process the end of a 20 year marriage.  I went on and said more about how it may be easy for him, but I was struggling and that I would love him... until I didn't.  This type of situation probably occurred somewhere around 4 to 5 times in the 8 months he was with OW.  (Btw, he never openly admitted to being with her.  Kind of why I struggle with trust now.  He says they're not together, but I heard that all last year and they were.  Anyway, off topic but I wonder if I'd have been so open to saying those things had he admitted to being in a relationship.  I knew he was, but he never said he was if that makes sense.)

When he came back last September to test the waters to see if I'd be open to reconnecting, he said something along the lines of how he really thought a lot of the fact that I would "put myself out there" during all of this and let him know that I still loved him.  I'm sure he didn't feel that way as I was doing it, and I still can't believe I swallowed my pride like that so many times, but it did seem to open the door to him trying to talk to me. 
Married 1997
BD: 9/14/17
Separated on and off for two years
Latest move home 9/1/19
Working on reconciliation one minute and divorce the next
Two Sons - 20 and 17

Online RedStar

  • MLCer Type: Off-N-On
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 265
  • Gender: Female
  • MLCer is in high energy replay.
First, I'll say that I can't *really* answer the thread's question, since I have no authority on the matter at all. But my feeling, based on what I have read of MLC situations over the nearly 1.5 years I've been put in the LBS position is: generally, no. Especially in the case of cake-eaters. I do think that MLCers need to feel that they have lost us. Part of that is just my opinion, based on secondhand observation of many, many sitches...and part of it is, I realize, my pride.

That's one of the things that makes me respond to DBD's post...

... Btw, he never openly admitted to being with her.  ... He says they're not together, but I heard that all last year and they were.  Anyway, off topic but I wonder if I'd have been so open to saying those things had he admitted to being in a relationship.  I knew he was, but he never said he was if that makes sense.

I didn't ever tell xH I was* standing, although I am another whose MLCer denied anything more than a so-called friendship (it was an EA, clearly, if not more than that) while we were still discussing anything regarding us (the last discussion about us at all was more than 6 months ago). The actual fact is, I don't know what their status has ever been *except* that it is 100% clear that she is (still) the main alienator and that he essentially replaced me with her, albeit with the typically MLC negative comments about her along the way (I may start a thread about this baffling yet entirely common phenomenon). He and I don't communicate anymore other than rare, bare necessity, so who knows. I don't look for info from any source whatsoever.

*current intentions completely uncertain

Quote
When he came back last September to test the waters to see if I'd be open to reconnecting, he said something along the lines of how he really thought a lot of the fact that I would "put myself out there" during all of this and let him know that I still loved him.  I'm sure he didn't feel that way as I was doing it, and I still can't believe I swallowed my pride like that so many times, but it did seem to open the door to him trying to talk to me.

This is interesting, and something I have wrestled with. Thanks for bringing it up.

I think sometimes that it would be intriguing, if just for information's sake, to poke the mollusc with something friendly. But then my pride takes over and I'm like, "No way." I just can't. Some sources (and some HS posters) believe that reaching out could be a productive thing. But then I also wrestle with whether I'm even interested anymore. There are a lot of drawbacks and risks to being with a person like him, as we well know, but I know that things can also always change. I was with him because there were a lot of good things about him. Same as how it was for most of us here.

The most recent exchange told me, though, that he's still the rude, uncaring alien, and he does not have any interest in me at all. But I have not made any attempts at friendliness either in at least half a year. I am completely mystified about whether to try creating an opportunity or to let sleeping dogs lie and not risk any life complications. :P

One of the things that has struck me this entire time is that, well, although I can't imagine how he really feels, neither can he know what my feelings and intentions are, because MLCers and LBSs both manage our facades in some way. For all I know, he hates his life and misses me badly, but his own pride wouldn't allow him to show that. I don't know. It's possible. (But not probable, given the timeline.)

Sorry for the ramble, if it was out of place. :D

Online barbiedoll

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 2248
  • Gender: Female
Quote
What are the supposed benefits to letting them know if we are standers?  I can't think of any myself but I'm curious.   I've read a few different times, not all here, that if we are standing we should tell them we are,,, but why? 

If we are not standers, should we make THAT clear to them.   Why or why not?
.

I did not and would not tell my husband that I was "standing for my marriage". I no longer had a marriage . It was gone . Initially ( during the time period he was in our home) I am sure that I cried, begged and pleaded with him and did tell him that I was not going to give up etc etc ..   The voice of trauma utters all kinds of reactive words and fears.

Once he left our home and I discovered the OW , I never EVER intended to lay eyes on him again as long as there was breath left in either one of us and to NEVER come anywhere near me again. I  sent him an email ..told him bank accounts are closed, locks are changed, my lawyers name and that I changed his mailing address to his OW's house etc etc.   He needed to feel the consequences of his actions truth-dart.

I never could or would tell him I was standing , it is a free pass that no "matter what he does, I will be waiting " ? .  No , not for me .
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Just Laughing

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 140
  • Gender: Female
A successful Christian stander whose newsletters I receive made it clear to her then-ex that she was standing, loving and waiting and praying for him until the day one of them died. He had moved to another city, moved in with the OW, and was making wedding plans with her… and then came back and remarried his wife. He wrote a bunch of articles and books afterwards, in which he described how what she did made it easier and more desirable for him to come home. BUT, and this is a really big BUT, he was also a serious Christian, and thus Christian guilt was a major factor.

People are different, though. I'm sure plenty of Christian men can compartmentalize well enough to do whatever they want guilt-free, and plenty of non- Christian men who are good guys deep down who would be powerfully influenced by guilt. And of course, plenty of men of all types who might be influenced by love and loyalty, or gain enough clarity to see how much better off they had it with their wife than with the new honey, etc. I guess what I'm saying is that there are different kinds of categories of "men who might eventually return," and so no one pattern we can follow that will work with all of them.

My philosophy with my husband is; keep him guessing. First off, it feels good to turn the tables. But secondly, and more importantly, one of the most powerful psychological tools in the world is intermittent reinforcement (only give the reward part of the time), and that only works if there is some doubt as to what's going on.

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.