Author Topic: My Story Reassembling - modifying the plan  (Read 1411 times)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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My Story Reassembling - modifying the plan
« on: June 16, 2019, 08:53:12 AM »
This week has been a bit of a jolt in terms of just life throwing some curve balls.

I was always wired to a degree to adapt to changes. I don't like change as such, and liked my comfort, but I was not one to worry obsessively. My F is the same way. It doesn't mean he doesn't worry at times, but he processes it rather quickly and knows life is full of surprises. I had never really considered whether was this his temperament or something he learned.

Recently, I think because of my own experiences and because I am in fact a lot like him, that it is a bit of both. Some of the skill comes from teaching. You can't approach the students each day in the same manner. One student can change the dynamic and throw off plans so incredibly quickly. You have to be able to monitor and adjust if you are going to be effective.

It is the same with artwork. There are too many variables. You can plan all you want and it might be that you have a technique you have used a thousand times successfully and just one thing can throw it off, like humidity or the manufacturer of the oil paint you use changed their formulation ever so slightly. You learn to adapt and accept some of those surprises.

And life is full of twists and turns you don't see coming. You can plan all you want but sometimes things pop out of nowhere. MLC, looking back maybe shouldn't have been such a surprise - had I known what the signs were. LOL. And even if I had known, there is nothing I could have done to stop it. I would have maybe protected myself sooner. IDK.

But, it doesn't matter. It happened and I am left dealing with the aftermath and trying to figure out a new plan. And this week's surprises may require more modifications. What is frightening and stressful is having to table my worries because the kids need me. I don't always get to process when I need to. When I finally do, it means stepping back and not letting worry take over, which was a skill that started to appear in MLC. Luckily, that was something I pushed out pretty successfully, as for me it doesn't serve a purpose in the long term. The better option is to worry a bit, ask for help and deal with the problem the best that I can and not always in a reactive, attack way. That too was something common in MLC. It often felt like running around putting out fires.

I am at that point again where I may have to modify the path a bit. I am not sure if I am looking at a pot hole or a potential sink hole. LOL. Or it could be that it is not that at all and things will all be fine or it will be better. I don't have enough information yet to know for sure.

So, I have come to the realization that it is like one of my art projects right now that isn't going the way I planned. I have thought about how things might go, but the best thing to do at the moment is to step back, get some more information and then decide what direction I need to go. It isn't always easy to have that type of patience.

I have my Xh to look to for an example of how not to do things - he seems to be still in that reactive mode and that is not effective in the long run and it has to be exhausting.

And who knows, maybe modifying the plan is a good thing. It might lead to even better solutions and things down the path.  :)

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10824.new#new
« Last Edit: June 16, 2019, 10:29:16 AM by MourningDove »

Offline Watcher

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Re: Reassembling - modifying the plan
« Reply #1 on: June 16, 2019, 09:14:41 AM »
Hi Mourningdove,

You always have a lot of reassembling and modifying the  plans on your threads going on. Sounds like a Luke Bryan song. Maybe its code for dirt road cred. IDK. Just an observation.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - modifying the plan
« Reply #2 on: June 16, 2019, 09:37:36 AM »
Watcher - yah, I do seem to have that theme going on. LOL Well, we "country folk" do have to adapt based on the weather. The farmers have been working with spotlights on the fields late at night to get the crops in with all the rain.

With the rain, I in turn trade in my torn work in the yard jeans for my dressier torn jeans and go to French bakeries and drink lavender lattes. LOL

Luke Bryan is not on my playlist at the moment. "Cottonwood fallin' like snow in July" is not exactly my favorite lyric at the moment. The cottonwood is not my friend right now. LOL.

As far as dirt road cred, I am afraid I am more in the gravel in my travel mode, as I refuse to drive down the one dirt road in our area with my new car. LOL. But, tractor pull season is coming up and I know I am going to be convinced I need to go to at least one antique tractor pull this season. Usually, lots of dust there.  ::)

The dog is not happy with all of this rain. She has been aching to go roll in the fresh cut alfalfa field, but they scooped up the crop earlier than normal to save it from the rain and she is clearly not happy. I have gotten several looks that I can only translate to a dog's version of WTF? And then she comes in and "tells me" all about it in her dog mumbling. She is not having it.

My monitor and adjust plan, since the pond work is off the list for today, is to throw some laundry in, make a rainy day dinner (not sure who is joining me, could be me or I might have a whole garage full of hungry 20 something year olds here later, that is always a surprise) and I am going to finish that bottle of Merlot I opened last week. Beyond that - who knows what surprises may or may not lurk.
« Last Edit: June 16, 2019, 10:30:01 AM by MourningDove »

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - modifying the plan
« Reply #3 on: June 16, 2019, 04:23:07 PM »
Sometimes, rarely, but sometimes things are said that shock me.

I was out in the garage with S and his friends. I was getting the story about their adventure. Somehow one of the friends made mention of one of their other friend's parents finally getting divorced. It was no secret that this couple never should have married in the first place. They dated and broke up countless times before getting married. I remembered them from high school. I think they were the type that had passionate fights and probably passionate make up periods, but it was a very volatile couple. And yet, separately they were nice people. That did not shock me.

The conversation briefly took a turn to how sometimes people break up and divorce and it is the best thing that could happen. The one friend said to me and S that he never saw Xh's and my divorce coming. It was the comment that came out of S's mouth during this that threw me way off. He said that sometimes people are better off apart and we just no longer got a long.

For a moment I could feel myself bristle. I wanted to react and defend myself a bit, sort of the "that is not what happened". But, I excused myself and came inside, saying I needed to get dinner started. I was upset with my desire to react and also shocked at S's explanation.

S came in to wash his hands and I had no plans on asking him about this. I was mildly confused. It is not that I want to place blame, but I think it just floored me a bit. I have tried very hard to not make the kids feel like they had to somehow take sides, etc., but I must admit this stung a bit, considering I fought so hard to keep our lives in tact.

S stopped on his way back out to the garage. He said he wanted me to know that he knows that is not what happened and if he upset me he was sorry. He explained that it is tough though to sometimes explain to others what really happened, because it doesn't make sense to most people. Why would it? It makes little sense to those of us who go through it. I understood what he was saying and it is true.

I know he and D discuss it with one another and with me. I know they know it was not as simple as "M and D just grew apart or couldn't get along anymore". I know they witnessed enough to have a pretty good handle on how this transpired. And there are their perceptions and things that they don't know.

I realize now that in some ways, the kids are starting to handle it the way I do if it comes up with some people. I don't want to discuss it, nor does it need to be broadcast. I think it made me realize that while it is part of our history, it is something that doesn't have to define us and maybe in some ways, S's simplifying the explanation is a way for people to not dig deeper. They sort of understand the concept in simple terms and it allows him to move away from that particular conversation.

I think the three of us are trying to move farther away from that event in our lives. And it dawned on me that recently the kids have been talking a lot more freely about their childhood and the fun times. I think they are trying to hold on to those memories, but not trying to totally rewrite history.

If it weren't pouring raining again, I would be going for a very long walk. I think a long, hot bath and that glass of wine are in order.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Reassembling - modifying the plan
« Reply #4 on: June 17, 2019, 02:22:55 AM »
I can certainly see why your Son's comment triggered you, a very similar comment was made by my Son too a log time ago, and I was very quick to correct him. He replied with "Well, you and dad were not getting along" and I told him that we got along fine before his father slept with the ow and that he knows that's not what happened.

I think it's just easier to make very light of it for the younger ones as they have no life experience to dip into for a better explanation. Telling people his dad is having a MLC is way too complicated ::)

"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Reassembling - modifying the plan
« Reply #5 on: June 17, 2019, 03:30:37 AM »
Yep, the kids don't want to divulge the gory details to the wide world so they come up with the "stock" answer so no one pries further...

But they DO notice what is going on....

A case in point, S and I went swimming yesterday as the weather was OK for that... It took a bit of convincing to get him off the X-Box but, in the end we went.
STBXW was being a pest and wanting to know how S was doing because he was more than a little bit annoyed with her when I went to pick him up. I texted her that he was fine and that we were going swimming...

About an hour later, guess who shows up ant the pool with D8 and D8's friend in tow? Yep... Then she tells S "Oh! I didn't know you would be here when D asked me to go swimming..."  Now, S knew that D wasn't interested in going swimming earlier because he was there. ...

He asked me later if I had told STBX that we were going swimming and I answered that I had told her about 15 minutes before we left my place.... His response was "Oh, OK. So mom is just lying again.... " :o

The kids DO get the picture, even if they don't want to share it with their friends.
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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Offline Thunder

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Re: Reassembling - modifying the plan
« Reply #6 on: June 17, 2019, 03:50:51 AM »
Isn't that just sad when a kid is aware his own mother is lying to him??  I'm sorry, UM.

Welcome to your new thread, Mourning!

Sorry about the Cottonwood's, but I'm more sorry they took the alfalfa away from poor doggie.  She was so looking forward to rolling around in them.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Reassembling - modifying the plan
« Reply #7 on: June 17, 2019, 06:37:48 AM »
I'm still tagging along, MD.   

Are you working this summer?  I have so many projects that I'm trying to take care of with the house and yard that I'm pretty sure it'd be easier to go to work! 

After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16 - his 53rd birthday
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - modifying the plan
« Reply #8 on: June 18, 2019, 08:08:06 AM »
Savoir Faire & UrsaMajor - luckily the trigger was not a full on moment of stress, etc that sometimes comes with those things. And, the truth is I have to accept at times that S and D, too are trying to navigate and move past this the best that they can. I don't think S is rewriting history, which was perhaps a momentary fear, but he was trying to move past that conversation as quickly as possible so that he could just enjoy his day. He too has spent too much time in the MLC mess.

I have to remind myself that the kids experienced an awful a lot of this first hand, which sometimes got lost in my own pain. Their experiences might be a be a bit different, but they were affected.

Thunder - the Cottonwood is slowing down with all of the rain, so that helps. It really is lovely to watch fall and accumulate, but it seems I am mildly allergic to it. LOL

As for the alfalfa, it grows quickly so the field already has plants that are filling in. The dog seems to know that as she checks her usual route. She had more of a look of approval last night, although I am thinking she secretly is thinking "we had better not have a repeat of the last harvest". LOL

stillbaffled - I am working at the millwork a few hours a week and filling at the gallery. I had an opportunity to teach an independent study and some classes, but I decided to give myself a bit of a break. I have projects to do around the house that I am looking forward to addressing and I have promised myself to allow for a bit of travel if I can manage it, since the original plan was to go to Europe. I need to still think of that as a longer term goal and not forget to save for that, but I am going to have fun this summer.

The estate issues don't have me worried in the vein that it is all consuming and weighing on me, but it is one of those things that pops up as a desire to move on and resolve these things. It is going to be what it is going to be and I think I just want to know what has to happen. I have learned more and more that to only worry about those things that I have control over. I have handed this over to people who will help me take the best course. Accepting that worrying about how this will fall into place doesn't solve anything.

Yesterday started off on a very odd foot. I got to work and they let me in the building, but shouldn't have it turns out. There was a lockdown for a medical emergency on the other side of the building, but I know people who knew I was going right up to my classroom. I was supposed to be finishing up the final exams with my students. Most of my students were outside in a holding pattern. So, 45 minutes later the lockdown was lifted. That messed up the first period. The second period class fared better, but I have a whole lot of zeros in my book for the final. I am hoping some of the students push forward and finish on their own. It was not a monitored exam situation, but a project, so they had until the end of the day. I didn't check last night. I have everything graded that I had in my possession as of yesterday at noon. Going to be interesting.

I came home to let the dog out before going to the millwork. I checked my email and messages. I saw a name that seemed familiar but I could not place it right off that came into my email, alerting me of a private message on FaceBook. I opened up my account and then it struck me why I remembered the name.

Last year a friend of mine shared a post that unbeknownst was a photo of one of my F's sculptures. That particular post had been shared over 615,000 times. Strangely, the same post was sent to me this year by a friend from Europe.

I am very careful about reaching out to people I don't know on FaceBook, but at the time, this particular post really touched me and I sent a message to the original poster. I shared with him the background on that piece and how a second one was being installed in Minnesota. I was glad that this piece had touched him in the manner in which it did, as it is a memorial piece.

I didn't expect to hear from the man. Yesterday, almost a year later he reached out. He had just seen the message and apologized for missing it. I had checked his FaceBook page before sending the note, as I am a bit cautious. He said he just wanted to thank me for the kind message. He shares this post every Memorial Day and it is now at 650K shares. It was a short exchange, but why this piece is touches him so is because he is a Vietnam Veteran suffering from the affects of Agent Orange. He has never seen the piece in person and is hoping to make the long trip some day.

It was a lovely exchange and he didn't ask to be my FaceBook friend or for anything else. This was one of those moments like when you tell someone to have a good day and you realize that they have changed your day. He said he really needed that pick me up yesterday and thanked me for just being kind.

What he did not know was at that moment I was having my own moment of feeling a bit of sadness. The last day of seeing my students at the high school is sometimes hard. I grumble about them and they drive me nuts at times, but some of them hold a place in my heart. And I know for some of them school is the place that they have stability and safety. Yes, I am happy to have the break, but that harsh reality of what awaits some of them for the summer, those unknowns are tough. My life is not perfect and I have my own battles, but nothing like some of them have. I can't get stuck there worrying about them.

The little FaceBook message was one of those moments where I had an opportunity to communicate with a person who had such a positive attitude and his kindness was just what I needed. He is "living" with Leukemia, as he stated and he said it just means embracing life one day at a time and helping others while remembering the ones that died before him.

Sometimes life surprises us.  :)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - modifying the plan
« Reply #9 on: June 19, 2019, 01:18:07 PM »
Yesterday, was officially my first day of vacation from the high school. I am not required to monitor exams, etc. because I fall under the college umbrella. Off the books though, I have plenty to do. I have grading to finish up and submit. I have to go in on Monday to clean out my room and pack it up for the new campus.

That said, I woke up in a mild panic when I saw the time on my clock. I thought I had only 15 minutes to get myself ready and then realized I didn't have to actually be at the high school. I chose to stay in bed a bit longer instead.  ::)

I did have to work at the millwork for awhile, although we are in a weird lull that happens ever so often. I know the job calendar pretty well and know that this is only a very short lull. I went in and jumped ahead on some things, cleaned up some old files, archived some things on my computer and cleaned out emails and such that are completed jobs and accounted for. I got rid of everything that I no longer need. My boss came in and laughed saying he wished others would do the same once in awhile, but I helped Xh for years in his design and marketing business, I have a handle on what information needs to be archived and what doesn't. No need to hang on to emails that are not pertinent. So, with that accomplished my next couple of weeks are going to be very flexible. I will have no guilt taking time off.

My friend and I were going out to dinner before the concert. It was a bit of a battle since I drove and paid for dinner. She was trying to pay for things, and I wouldn't let her since she wouldn't let me pay for the ticket. Her H had sprung for the really good seats, and even she didn't realize until we got there that we were only 6 rows back.

My friend laughed when I picked her up because I was not wearing heels. She knows I wear sneakers, but she is used to seeing me in heels. What threw her was I was in flip flops. It was hot out and I knew the concert venue, even though an amphitheater would get warm, so I dressed in summery clothes and brought a shrug just in case. She is a bit taller than I am. We had fantastic seats and all was good, until the guy sitting a few seats down realized he was in the wrong seat and moved. I stand at 5'3". He was a basketball player and stood at 6'5". He stood the whole concert. LOL. Fortunately, his date, who was my height had him move over a bit so that I could see.

I haven't been to a concert in so long, aside from D's choral concerts at school and some local bands. A full blown concert hasn't happened since just before BD #1. When I was in college I went to concerts all the time. And they ran the gamut in terms of genres.

The last more main stream concert I went to was a Tim McGraw concert when another friend of mine's husband surprised her with tickets, but there was no way he was going to a country concert.

I had to think though which concert I had gone to before that. It dawned on me that it was a year before BD#1 when Xh and I went to a classical concert where I worked and then we were invited about a week later to a launch party for a quartet in the city. It was a spectacular event held at a restaurant that I later found out was one of Xh's and OW's haunts.

None of this is bothering me, as it was more of a moment of realizing how much life was sucked out of me during the MLC crisis years. I was simply existing for a couple of years and trying to keep the kids and I afloat, all the while thinking I could change the course of that MLC.

Last night the concert went on nearly 3 1/2 hours and it was so much fun. I was home by 12:30 after navigating through traffic.

My coworker texted me this morning to give me some news. Our principal resigned yesterday. I am stunned and that opens up a lot of unknowns for my program. It will shake out and I am not worried about my job as such, but it changes some aspects and I have to jump on it ahead of time, because my course will be forgotten in the shuffle, leaving me to scramble in the fall to get it back on track.

My coworker was a bit surprised as I seemed pretty calm about this while the rest of the staff is freaking out. I said it could be that I had already transitioned last night into the "I don't care, because it is summer mindset" (which he knows is a lie - because I am always thinking about new projects for my students and such) or it is because I have had life change and turn on a dime before. This is just life throwing a curve ball. Just means I might have to change up my game a bit.  ;)

 

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