Author Topic: My Story Reassembling - modifying the plan  (Read 1410 times)

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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My Story Re: Reassembling - modifying the plan
« Reply #60 on: July 11, 2019, 08:02:00 AM »
This morning, I woke up quite early, but found myself lying in bed just processing a whole lot of emotions that have bubbled up after this latest round of MLCer madness.

I have to remind myself that it is so much better than it was and when I realize the reality is this is how it was virtually all the time for me leading up to BD and then afterwards it is amazing I didn't go off the rails myself.

These emotions are not new or some shocking revelation, as I know I have posted these feelings before after each encounter with the potential crazy. It is after having to navigate D's confusion and my own feelings.

I found myself weeping a bit this morning and it was in part just being worn out from the drama. Being the sounding board for D in addition to my own feelings bubbling up was truly draining. And although I was functioning and back on my feet mentally and physically rather quickly, clearly my mind was working overtime on occasion, even when I tried to monitor it. Yet, I had been able to do this pretty well this time, so I realized it was just more of the physical toll of the other night that is still lingering.

When I was living with the MLCer and throughout the divorce, I was always exhausted. I would often wonder why - LOL. Just this event the other night felt like I had the wind knocked out of me.

I started to process my feelings and some of them are not ones that are very admirable nor and are not in line with who I am, but they bubbled up and I have to be honest with myself. There was anger and frustration. Those are easy to wrap my head around, as they are well within a normal response. I was angry that the MLCer is potentially trying to play games and had D riled up. I am left to deal with D and her many emotions. It is not easy when D has her moments of not only being a normal teenager, but when there is a MLC Xh event, she needs me to be that stable parent more than ever and I want to just run away and hide from it. I never run though and I feel her pain and sometimes am the whipping post, although she catches herself now and works at being mindful.

I was angry that MLC Xh is disrupting my somewhat peaceful existence. My life is far from perfect, but I am moving forward and I felt like he just threw himself into my path and made me trip, which is aggravating.

There was a bit of sadness in that this just continues to filter in from time to time.

The feelings that are not what I expected were some little blips of potential resentment. What if this is the turning point for Xh with this new job? What if he is going to work on himself? I found myself thinking very cynically that he put us through hell and just taking a new job has put him on the right path and if only he had done that before BD. I was mildly annoyed at how D said dinner was fine and her F was civil, although now she has processed which has gone on and is not so sure she trusts him.

I think it is a bit of jealousy that brewed in that I have created this bond with the kids and a fear that Xh is just going to come back into their lives and all will be forgotten.

I know in reality that is foolish and childish of me. Yet, those are those embarrassing feelings to admit, even to myself.

I did not just brush those feelings away, I am owning them and allowed myself to feel them for a bit. And then I did a bit of self assessment and wondered what was driving these emotions.

Do I want Xh to be a father to the kids again - yes. Do I want him back and I know the answer to that is still the same and it is no and only because I have really changed too much at this point. I would like to be civil and to get past this part of my life. I think that is where some of the resentment came in. I have fought so hard to get here and to let him go. What if though, he is getting his life together? Of course, that in reality will not just fall into place magically, as it takes work to repair things.

That is where I really had to push through some muck and  those feelings Treasur referred to as "messy". If Xh is for some reason on the road to working on himself it is a bit jarring. I am just settling into my life - one without him. I am in a good place and have grieved him. And it is not like he necessarily wants me back either. It is in the simplest terms for me the desire not to have more shake ups.

The jealousy is not at all attractive and I have beat myself up pretty good about that today. I know there is no reason to be jealous of him or the potential relationship with the kids. It doesn't change my bond with the kids and it would be nice to not be the only stable parent in the mix. And Xh has a lot of repair work to do there, it won't be instantaneous. So I have slapped myself with a 2x4 this morning.

I gelled it down to the fact that I am confused right now by what is going on. On the one hand, Xh is making progress it would seem by finally taking a job that will stabilize him, perhaps. On the other, my gut is telling me his need to control is still very much there and I am on guard and feel a little uneasy about his intentions.

Part of what has me more annoyed, I suppose is I was doing well not thinking about Xh and my love for him is different than it was. I have moved past that and it took so much out of me to shake that feeling. I have moved on to other opportunities and have found happiness without him. I think it is in part feeling very much like I did when the X boyfriend showed up earlier in the year and announced I was the one that got away. In fact, it is very much like that but on a deeper scale. It would also explain why I was so suddenly fixated on not being enough as I stood in front of the mirror. That feeling of being disposable.

Luckily, the tears were brief, the mind firetruck did not happen and I pushed through those "messy" feelings. It should be easier to embrace the day and I just have to accept that these feelings may still arise from time to time and are probably very normal in the MLC world. Luckily, they don't linger nearly as long.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - modifying the plan
« Reply #61 on: July 11, 2019, 09:35:36 AM »
S came home for lunch and said I look much more relaxed this afternoon compared the past couple of days. I said I probably would have worked off some of the stress if I had done something physical and walking around the outlet mall was not enough for me.

S informs me that there is more hay to be baled and it is really good stress reliever. I laughed and said I wasn't sure how I felt about being out in 90+ degree weather, high humidity and throwing bales that are 60-85 pounds a piece.

He reminded me how I liked the summer I was working in the garden center and loaded 50 lb bags of mulch. I told him that was true, but that was not the same as hay bales and that was in the height of the MLC madness. I said if I am going to lift bags of mulch now, it will be for my own gardens. That said, maybe that is what needs to happen soon. I may need to do something more than just walking.

Hmmm- yah, I think I can find other ways to get rid of stress. Baling hay is not on that list. LOL

Offline Treasur

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Re: Reassembling - modifying the plan
« Reply #62 on: July 12, 2019, 05:40:09 AM »
Fwiw Mourning, here is how it read to me.
You are still sometimes hypervigilant about ways in which xh might hurt your life...and your kids are a vulnerable spot for you. Understandable bc he did in many ways, but that hypervigilance hangover can sometimes inflate our fears. It's as if some bit of you is worried that others talking about 'waking up signs' makes him feel more of an active potential threat?

And a bit of you feels perhaps unrecognised or unvalidated for all of the tough times when you worked so hard to protect you and your family from xh's destruction. Partly of course bc you often chose to keep a lot under your hat at the time for good reason, partly bc let's be honest this stuff is insane and relentless for a period of time and hard for others to get if they haven't been there. Your kids and family will never really know some of what you did quietly to protect all of you. But they are smart people, Mourning....your daughter is not going to be 'bought' by a few words over a civil dinner from a controlling father she hasn't seen in months. And if he starts playing financial games to stiff you...although worth remembering how crap they are at follow through lol...well, you have sidestepped many of his games successfully in the past and you will do so again and you haveblegal options including some you have chosen not to use in the past.

What I wonder though is if your statement about 'wanting to be civil' is entirely the truth of how you feel even if you say it or think you should feel it. Fwiw I think your most consistent impulse is to stay away from xh as much as you can and to keep him away from anything important to you? It's ok to feel that way, Mourning, no matter how anyone else thinks or thinks you should think. Jmo on the 'messy' . :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Reassembling - modifying the plan
« Reply #63 on: July 12, 2019, 05:42:21 AM »

Hmmm- yah, I think I can find other ways to get rid of stress. Baling hay is not on that list. LOL


If you can't, I'd be happy to offer some suggestions, MD!  Baling, picking up, or stacking hay bales wouldn't be on my list either.  I've done way too much of that.   ;)
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16 - his 53rd birthday
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - modifying the plan
« Reply #64 on: July 12, 2019, 07:37:29 AM »
Treasur - yes, I would agree there certainly is truth in your response.

As far as being civil, I think I should probably learn to separate that in my own mind and clarity. Yes, I do want to some day be able to be civil. I don''t want to be like my in laws and make it uncomfortable. And the truth is, I do still care about the man that my Xh was. Maybe not in the same loving way, but I do care. So, while I don't want to be his best friend again and can't, civil would be a nice change from what has been.

I think the problem for me in that regards lies in that he is still the MLC version from what I can see and I am not entirely sure what the new version is going to be like if he ever transforms, so that is a bit of an unknown and perhaps a fear.

As far as most of the other things, yes, it is mind firetrucking at it's very best on my part. The reactive, protective aspect. I realize D won't just be bought and for me it was a huge trigger. A trigger I have to learn to better manage.

I think it is not so much an acknowledgement I need or crave. I know my own truth and my own sacrifices. I think it was just that initial shock of thinking perhaps Xh just snapped out of it that easily and it is all good. Which after coming back to reality I realize is not the case, nor will it be that easy. I suspect it was more of a "you have got to be kidding me" feeling after I have clawed my way back out of the effects of his MLC for it to turn that easily. And of course it hasn't and won't. It was a shock response largely.

I have brought myself to center and logic. LOL

stillbaffled - LOL - yah, you would understand that baling hay, while needs to be done is not as romantic as the movies like to depict it.

My friend suggested maybe I should find someone to roll around in the hay with. I told her I was not exactly sure who she had in mind, but Mr Smoochy best not be on that list of hers. LOL

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - modifying the plan
« Reply #65 on: July 13, 2019, 10:37:45 AM »
My velociraptors keep me laughing and it is how we all have survived this madness. Laughter.

S didn't ask about the incidents this week, but he knew it was a mucked up situation. He feels bad because Xh has been sending him money all along and as D and I have told him he should not feel guilty for his F doing what he is supposed to do and D's issue is not his issue. D is adamant about this and is never upset with her B for the Xh dynamic.

D left early this morning to help her BF's M with his B's graduation party.

S was out the door early as well, so I had a nice quiet start to my morning.

I have the weekend off, so the plans were to really tackle some projects that have been plaguing me. It was a get up, shower, pull my hair up in a pony tail and just get at it morning. It didn't really end up that way, as I was interrupted by Miss Management with a ridiculous phone call, which is not even worth repeating. I was almost ready to just drive over and solve the problem for my coworker because Miss Management was all wound up about it. But, I contacted my coworker who was laughing saying it was not exactly a national emergency.

So, I found myself so wanting to go play outside, but I really need to focus on some things inside for now. One being there was a mysterious puddle on my basement floor just below the heating line that runs to the garage. I have to narrow down whether or not this is a call the furnace repairman or just something else.

I was cleaning the kitchen and the music was turned up. Music that S has been picking on me about as he is convinced my playlist has changed. The funny thing my taste in music while Xh was home was narrower. I tended to just roll with it. Now, I play whatever I feel like playing. S jokes about my angry music, or my mellow music - he likes to just pick on me. His playlist is just about mimics mine, so it is amusing.

When he came in his friends were in tow. He stopped and started laughing. He said to his friends that this was his M and clearly she has enabled "Dad Repellent". I gave him a look and he burst out laughing. I had my fickle radio station on and on Saturdays they play literally everything. Miranda Lambert was on belting out "Kerosene" and then I realized I had on a jersey that would have made Xh's head spin. He was a hard core Red Sox fan. So of course the biggest thing to get Xh going was anything with the Yankees on it got him riled up. S asked me when I became a Yankees fan and to make sure Xh stays away.

I started laughing and said that was really funny and I had not considered that aspect. The truth was we had an event at school where one week we were told to wear different sport team jerseys. My coworker was laughing at me and he said I probably did not own any clothes along those lines. I told him I had several t-shirts from my alma mater. But then somehow there was a bet, and I don't remember what it was about, but I lost. The price of my loss was to wear a Yankees Jersey - my coworker's favorite baseball team. Well, I didn't just show up in a jersey, because I actually had to go to meetings that day, so I rocked a blazer with the jersey under it. It was one of those moments that my coworker laughed hysterically at me saying only I could make that shirt look professional and I told him he was not specific enough in his bet because he tried to tell me that was cheating. He had to admit I had him there.

This morning, it was one of those things where I was looking for something to just wear and that jersey was at the top of the pile. There was no thought to it other than, hmmm, that looks comfortable and appropriate for my tasks at hand.

Now I am running around and laughing at the thought of Xh showing up and seeing me in this jersey would in fact send him into orbit.  ::)

S is having way too much fun with this and I am going to let him. We need some laughter.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Reassembling - modifying the plan
« Reply #66 on: July 14, 2019, 05:04:05 AM »
OK, for you I'll come out of my vacation cave for a moment..... But it will be brief....

It's fully understandable that being told what one is feeling, rather than being listened to and having what one is feeling acknowledged and accepted. I've found that, when someone does that to me, it is often projection on their part of their feelings or what THEY think I SHOULD be feeling or they simply are only hearing what I'm saying in order to reply as opposed to really listening to what I'm saying. Regardless of the reason, it is annoying as all get out and discounting.... And really does want to have one break out the 2x4....

The math game - xW1 tried this with me over and over and over.... She'd draw up excel tables showi G what I was supposed to pay her for certain things and invariably leave out the part of what I already HAD paid... I'd correct the math and send them back along with the amount I owed her for real (if any - 95% of the time, I'd have a credit balance). She'd get pissy and threaten and I'd say "OK, go ahead. The numbers are all there." and, in the end, I'd be correct... Again.... But having her name pop up in my e-mail In-Box was a sure way to have me ending up at the Pharmacy buying a package of Antacids.... Even when D29 was out of the house and in college and the legal obligations were over, seeing her name pop up was a trigger although she no longer monstered. I think we become so accustomed to being attacked by them that we have a visceral reaction to them, much like a dog that will never stop flinching at a raised hand, even if the person that caused the reaction in the first place is gone. For example, my mom had a Rottweiler that had been used as a breeding machine and mishandled. Tascha was the sweetest dog one could imagine but one day, I went to their house (this was long after I'd moved out, had done 10 years in the Navy and had returned to my home town to restart my life) and I was wearing Polo cologne. Tascha started barking and growling at me and wouldn't come near me. I took a shower and came back out and she was fine again. Later, we tried the same experiment with my mom's husband and Tascha had a similar reaction but, instead of growling, she went and hid. That smell was a trigger 7 YEARS later....

You've been down this road with xH before and, despite all the superficial indications that he COULD be having some moments of clarity, you know that he still hasn't even scratched the surface of the work needed. One thing to keep in mind is that the MLC'er may decide one day to return but it is OUR decision to allow and accept it or not.

Nothing went the way he planned it? OK.. And? What does that have to do with you, your life, and your kids lives? The results of his actions, his choices, are his to bear, his responsibility, no one else's.

And, once the mind-firetrucking gets stopped, you know that him suddenly snapping out of it and being normal has about the same odds of pigs flying.. If he's had an Epiphany, he still has a long hard slog ahead of him to return to some semblance of normality... and that "normality" is going to be different than the Pre-MLC version. It has to be.

I do have to wonder what the Alpha b!t€# thinks about her Omega taking a real job though..... I know... Goin to Hades.....
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - modifying the plan
« Reply #67 on: July 14, 2019, 06:38:49 PM »
UrsaMajor - MLC math is a whole special formulation, one which I have yet to come up with a formulation that makes any logical sense. But, you are right, it will shake out and it is really just a trigger for me. I am have grown conditioned to the games when it comes to the monetary aspect, so it stands to reason this would set off alarms with me. It is a fight response in me that seems to bubble up when these things arise.

The good thing is unlike in the past, these thoughts don't linger or hinder my days anymore. I would love to get to a point where I completely shake them off, but right now, I will be grateful for a bit of progress in that I am not completely sidelined by the MLCer encounter.

As for the Alpha - funny, someone asked me if they were still together. I really don't know. They were at that art opening a few months ago, but I didn't see them together to know whether they were gazing into each other's eyes or if they were putting on a good show or what. I don't really give it a lot of thought any more, TBH. I realize they are both very broken people and while I have no desire to see them together and I certainly am not about to become buddies with OW, she doesn't rile me up nearly as much as she used to. Xh made a choice and I have moved on from it. Now, if they were to move in together, etc, I might be a bit unnerved and angry for a bit. IDK.

That said, it did occur to me that Xh taking the job might not sit well with OW. He is taking a job that he is way over qualified for. Something that would not have bothered me, but OW is very impressed by labels and titles, so this may not set well with her. If this means he will be doing less of his own design work and dropping his remaining clients, hmmm - that was something she latched onto tightly. He was her potential meal ticket to growing her network and launching her own company on his apron strings. It will be interesting to say the least. I am not going to grab a front row seat though - it doesn't interest me that much anymore.

Quite frankly, in my Xh's case the choices he has made and the story he is recreating of his youth is pretty predictable at this point. Unless he really makes a move to change some of the narrative, it is unfolding into a tragedy at best. Since I know how it worked out for his parents in the end, I prefer to focus on my own situation.

I spent today pushing though paperwork and then little annoying projects. I feel somewhat conflicted. I know I accomplished a great deal, but they were the type of projects that it isn't always easy to look and see the progress.

In the late afternoon S and his 2 friends were outside working. I was going to hold off on getting groceries, but as I looked outside the guys who all had been working on the garden tractor were waiting for the paint to dry. Xh had purchased the garden tractor right as MLC rolled in and it was an impulse buy. Like so many other things in that time period, he refused to have it serviced, etc. and let it set outside year round. It needed some TLC. S and his friends have stripped it down to work on the hydraulics and decided to completely repaint it and get it back to running properly. Of course, the conversation is now about if we can build another outbuilding on the property. I have told S that is possible, but I have to deal with the roof first.

As they were waiting for the paint to dry, I heard another tractor fire up and looked outside to see the lawn was being mowed and the weed-whacker was going. I know the 2 young men that help S never get decent meals. So, I told S to fire up the grill and I would be back. I returned with steak and chicken. They decided chicken was on the menu tonight, but apparently they will be here tomorrow and steak is their meal plan. I didn't care.

While I was at the grocery store I didn't anticipate running into anyone at all, as it was an odd time of day and Sunday afternoons are really quiet. Instead, I ran into several people I haven't seen in years. They were brief conversations and we exchanged niceties. The real surprises came when one of my college students happened to be with a group of friends. She doesn't live in the area and was surprised to see me. She ran up and gave me a big hug. She was thanking me for some advice I gave her regarding her portfolio and being honest with her, when one of my high school students came up behind me with his father.

He wanted to introduce his father to me and that I think was the biggest shock of the afternoon. You never know what filters into some kid's heads and he was not a kid who seemed to soak anything up at all. He was nice enough, but most days I was just happy to see him do any work at all. His father commented on how he came home and talked about my class daily and he was grateful I had encouraged him to actually not pursue my class but to go into welding. His father said they have enrolled him in vocational classes and he asked me how I knew that was a better fit. I told him that I grew up watching my F weld sculptures, so I know the terminolog. When a kid comes in regularly talking about working in metal over the weekend and I hear "mig, tig and stick" it is pretty apparent that the kid likes welding.

I had originally left for the grocery store almost annoyed I had to break up my afternoon. When I was putting the groceries in the trunk, I laughed and said that certainly reset my attitude. My S right away noticed my mood was different and he asked what had happened. I told him that in the simplest terms I was reminded of those little moments that sometimes you take for granted.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Reassembling - modifying the plan
« Reply #68 on: July 15, 2019, 02:07:25 AM »
Somewhere deep in my heart of hearts, I'm a bit jealous of your students.... I read about your encounters and wonder what my life would look like now if a teacher had really taken an interest and seen where my strengths lie.... I was always a Band nerd and a book worm so it wouldn't have been Shop class but.... Hmmmmmm.......
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - modifying the plan
« Reply #69 on: July 15, 2019, 03:28:08 PM »
UrsaMajor - I recognize that band nerd and bookworm affliction.  ::) But, IDK - you seem to be in a pretty cool job. I guess my question is if someone had pushed you a different direction which path would you have taken? Is there some other passion in you that needs fed?

For me, the band "thing" was never where I wanted to end up. It was a way for me to get music lessons and it certainly nurtured my love for music now and the different genres. I was originally taught how to play the flute in Belgium as a kid. When I returned I was fortunate to have had one particular teacher in band that often set up arrangements from more popular pieces, adding classical undertones. He was a fascinating man and encouraged many of us. In my case, truth be known, I hated band. I loved the people in it, but I actually was a much better solo musician. I was actually very good at solo competitions but was when it came to sitting in a concert setting, trying to filter out the other flute players' parts was much like singing in the round for me. Not my strength. And I really didn't like the mandatory marching band aspect. Our school was a top marching band in the area and I did get to go to many competitions and trips. Despite my daughter loving to joke and say "one time at band camp", I never went to a single band camp.

I put down my flute after high school and it sat in storage for years. I finally sold it to a young woman who was majoring in music and had very little money. It was during MLC and I could have used the money myself. The flute was silver and they don't give them away. I had it appraised and took a third of it's value because I felt it was going to a young woman who would truly love it and I was content with that decision.

My bookworm side has yet to leave me and I have to avoid bookstores. LOL. I have made a vow to myself to not purchase any new books until I move D out of the library and reclaim that space. And I have been cleaning out the books that were Xh's that I have no interest in. In that vein, I am shocked at times what he chose to leave behind and some of those books I will keep, as they are fantastic books. One in particular is a book he worked on when he was working in London for one of the biggest design firms in the world. There are countless things along those lines that I have since used in my graphic design classes. I no longer feel the sadness associated with them that I did. I have just put them to good use.

I didn't have MLC on my mind at all today, TBH until someone at work made the comment to me that they figured they bet I wished things had turned out differently. I think my answer surprised them. There was a time that I did wish and pray and want something different. That was not the surprise. What I said was that yes, in fact for a long time that would have been my answer but now I accepted that it isn't what my path is and it is okay.

It doesn't take away a certain sadness at how messed up Xh is and the situation is, but with letting go and acceptance there is a sense of peace that I feel.

I know that for a long time I tried all I could to stand. I prayed and did all the things I could do to make changes. And for a time, things did seem better and started to feel like they were progressing towards Xh moving forward and us surviving this madness. Then something changed. It is very hard to explain to someone who has not been through it. Many of us who have experienced it have quietly discussed the odd shift we feel. It is when you keep doing the same things and while you are working on yourself you find that you are almost hell bent to make this standing thing work and you are determined to be different and not let go. You pray and fight with the pull that starts to occur. There was a shift for me and it was almost as if the universe was telling me that no, we tried that and Xh is not doing his part, so your path is no longer running with his. The more stubborn I became, the more my world felt out of control. It is an odd sensation. When I finally gave in and let go is when that acceptance came in for my situation.

I had to accept that Xh is not going to come out of this any time soon, if at all. If I stayed on that particular path I don't think I would be where I am mentally now.

It is not an easy thing to tell people because they then assume that you are somehow not supportive of other people standing. And that is not it. What I said to my coworker is for so many of us we realize there is a script with this MLC and a timeline to a degree, but there are so many variables. You cannot assign a magic number to how long it will take or any formulation. There are crazy similarities and talking about them helps us to understand that this is not something that is imagined. The support of others who have been going through this is invaluable.

Do I wish it had been different? I suppose there are moments, but it is not the same. I could have gotten what I wanted and my Xh could have come back, but if he were not progressing, I would have lived life possibly like my aunt and uncle who are so bitter towards one another.

I told my coworker that I have learned more and that sometimes we are so busy trying to make something work that in our stubbornness we miss the other options. And they might not be what we want at the time, but perhaps they are better in the long run.

For me the peace and happiness I feel has filled so much of that sadness. Maybe it is that I have accepted and grieved what was. IDK.

But, do I want the same outcome anymore? Maybe it is that I cannot see it and therefore no longer yearn for it. What I see now with my Xh is a man who simply looks a little bit like the man I was married to, but he is a very distorted version. And I have changed too much. I certainly don't want what was any longer. Maybe it is because I cannot see how you even begin to clear the rubble from that mess. IDK. I just know I am not wanting that solution any longer.

That in many ways is the sad part of all of this. Many of the LBS just wear down and decide we don't have it in ourselves to wait it out and we find another path to follow.

 

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