Author Topic: My Story Quarter Life Crisis  (Read 1075 times)

Offline EssentialTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Quarter Life Crisis
« on: June 17, 2019, 03:15:51 PM »
It’s been more then a year now. Since my ex very suddenly and in an unclear and confusing way has walked out of our relationship. We had been together for 9 years. Shared a house and 2 cats. We were talking about buying a house or put that off for the future and spend our money on travelling first. A baby was something we talked about as well. It was an open discussion, no time pressure.
But I think this was different for him. He finally was going to graduate (started studying late), he had my full support. Was thinking about what next career wise and was about to turn thirty.
I am sure all this coming together scared the hell out of him.

In just a few weeks he ripped himself away from me. Fell in love with ow, a colleague, cheated. He confessed after their first night together..
Broke my heart. First of all I gave him time to decide what he wanted. We decided to stay in different places until he did and I had had the time to process the news as well.

Until he broke it off with me. Said he didn’t deserve me. He said he fully realised he never had been worthy of me. He didn’t know what he would do. The relationship with ow wasn’t about her, but everything around her, is what he said. He wanted to move to a different country for a while,..

In the beginning I couldn’t take their relationship all too serious, she wasn’t his type.
But even so he even then kept lying, manipulating, moving out, emptying his home office and most of all kept sleeping with her. It started to consume me. I snooped. My heart broke again and again. I was desperate to just feel OK again. And yes I pleaded an begged. Just couldn’t believe what was happening, not ever would I have believed he was capable of doing this. That was a very big low for me. He manipulated me emotionally. Crying, telling me he didn’t understand, he didn’t know what he wanted,... although I learned that might have been true.

Over the months he went from: not being good enough to, not understanding, not knowing, to I am in love with you both, monogamy is a ridiculous concept. We will be together again in the future,.. to saying I broke it off not him, that I needed to give him the change to fix this, so he wouldn’t lose ‘ the best thing that ever happened to him’. To taking me out to dinner and paying (turned out he kept that from ow). He went on a trip for a few weeks ( without ow) started to unblock me on social media. Meanwhile still being together with ow. I went nuts from his behaviour and asked hem what the hell he was doing and I deserved honest closure.

I didn’t get a clear answer just yet.
I gave up when he started calling me an oppressor. His message back then was so full of hate and anger towards me.
And I can assure you, I wouldn’t hurt a fly.
It started my process of accepting that he is in crisis and I need to give him time.

I went to therapists. They told me I was doing as best as I could and would be fine.
The most frustrating part for me was: I couldn’t understand, there was no logic or love to the story.
Where was my best friend? And why could nobody tell me how the h*ll this could happen.
Reading as much as I could helps me answering this for myself. It’s a crisis, there is no logic.

14 months after BD and we rarely communicate. I broke off communication in a friendly calm matter. After about 7 months.
Contacted him for his birthday and for a practical matter that suddenly turned up. In this last contact I also wanted to give myself some closure and told him I was very struck and hurt at first, but I accept his decision and am doing well. I admit it might have been to influence him, didn’t want guilt to push his running even more. But it is true as well. I am financially in a good place, working 2 jobs and nailing it, have wonderful family and friends. Plus saving up to buy my own place. My self esteems grows again. And my life isn’t about the hurt anymore.

But the wounds aren’t fully healed yet. I do miss him and sometimes this unreal feelings gets to me.

He did answer every time. Even said he was sorry for the way things happened, that it wasn’t the correct way. That for him, he still needs a moment now and then to grasp what happened.

I said I appreciated it. Tried not to make more of it, as That message was very much about him. I truly mourn and need to get over the traumatic experience step by step.
Trying to build myself up and be the best version of me.

This is a crazy, unreal, experience. Really doing all I can to make it as positive as possible.
Not sure of my story helps anyone here, but I’ve been reading a lot on the forum and wanted to share as well.

Baby steps.






Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
« Reply #1 on: June 17, 2019, 05:48:22 PM »
Sounds like you're in a really good place. Big hugs! It's not easy, at any age or stage.

"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Offline Silver

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
« Reply #2 on: June 18, 2019, 12:47:23 AM »
Hi Essential,

I'm personally glad that you shared your story for it looks a success story to me  :)

My 1st W was what I thought was QLC when she divorced from me, though it may have been so called Walk away spouse stuff too, she wanted to have kids and I was unsure at that time, I was quite immature in that relationship too so I can't blame her whatever it was. That happened at the end of 2005 and at 2006 Jan she filed. Today, we have talked things trough and both apologized what we had to and are even friends with her, not that close ones but anyway I got over it with time. I'm not sure if it matters how do you call it, QLC or MLC, in my opinion (tho I am not an expert in this) they have much in common. I did all that pegging and pleading stuff too and probably just pushed her away with that. That's how we are, it's very human and I really didn't have a clue about age crisis back then, I was just totally shocked and horrified and depressed.

You are doing really good, not only survived the crisis but got the positive outcome out of it, that's exactly what you should do. If you are at same age than he, you have so much in ahead, make this very difficult phase in your life a good basis for all that as you seem to be very capable to do that. You are a strong woman.


 




"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
« Reply #3 on: June 18, 2019, 04:32:00 AM »
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Offline EssentialTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
« Reply #4 on: June 19, 2019, 01:48:27 AM »
Thanks so much for the reactions and helpful kind words, Silver, Ready2Transform and OldPilot. I hope you are doing fine!

I truly hope I am being as strong as I can in this absurd story.
I’m reading everything I can get my hands on concerning the subject.

The helicopter view of the situation is what kept/keeps me sane.
The ow matter has cut very deep. I don’t think she is more pretty, smart, talented or anything then me. And still that betrayal, the fact that he wants to be with her, in that way, well that hurt.
I think that might be because I never could image he would. So the concept of him crossing that intimate boundary with someone else was hard to grasp.

But with detaching and reading up on MLC and MLC affairs I see she fits the description of an alienator. I see he is not the same person as I was with.
I think that is what kept confusing me as well the first weeks after BD, I tried to talk to my friend and he wasn’t there.

I think I am quite lucky with the understanding of my environment, but there are people who talk bad of him and so made me feel those 9 years were my fantasy and I am better off. I don’t think thats a nice thing to say to someone left behind. Although I understand they say it out of hurt as well. It can be tough to deal with. And most people are very supportive so all in all :)


I am glad I somewhat found an explanation to how something like this can happen, it’s what helps me have some sort of trust in the future. I was very much disappointed in life, love and relationships in the first months after BD.


Thanks again for the welcome and lots of strength to everyone Today.

Offline Silver

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
« Reply #5 on: June 19, 2019, 02:06:43 AM »
Glad to see that you have understood it's not about you, that's why comparing oneself with alienator is useless, though we all done that at some point.


The helicopter view of the situation is what kept/keeps me sane.


I love this really bc it is how we should look the situation. Like in depression, it's so easy to turn inwards and get lost, not seeing the big picture or anything good in life, it's like leaving spouse would be the only thing that's ever been important in our lives and relationship with him/her the only thing that matters and since it's gone, life is pointless and unworthy. Further from BD we get the better we see that it's not. Helicopter view may do the same, good for you that you master that as well as help you to see what their crisis is about, not us.
Way to go Essential!
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
« Reply #6 on: June 19, 2019, 02:23:03 AM »
Not a lot for me to add. You seem to already have most of the details under control in terms of your own security, both emotional and financial.

He is on his own journey and it is totally on him to deal with it.  There is absolutely NOTHING that you can do to help him or to prod him along. In fact, certain behaviours on our part can hinder their journey because most of what we could possibly do comes across to them as controlling or pressure, regardless of how it is intended on our side.

His fling with OW may last years but it will most certainly NOT be unicorns farting glittery rainbow clouds, puppy dogs and pink cotton candy. Any R that is formed on lies and deceit will eventually have it's own problems (unless, of course, one or the other or both parties are so totally broken as to be able to permanently ignore the elephant in the room...

Meanwhile, you are busy doing you and growing forward in your life... Can't ask for more than that...

Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline EssentialTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
« Reply #7 on: June 23, 2019, 11:49:50 AM »
It’s so great to have support. I don’t think I would have been able to be in the semi-good place I am at now if I wouldn’t have found a logic behind the non-logic.

Thanks so much.

I am feeling OK, as I said: I have a good job, two even. Goals and desires in life. I know I’ll be OK.
But as many experience, there is that hurt. The betrayal. The horrible feeling of finding out you have been lied to. I really felt like a trown away used tissue. I am now: just one of the women he had in his life, world upside down. But when my self value rose again, I really start to see what he has lost. What he has given up. Not anymore just the loss I experienced. Really start to feel he is the loser in all this.

Coincidence or not, after months of no contact he contacted me a few days ago.
When I saw his message popping up I just tought: Well Ok, expected this to happen at some point and I went to bed.

It’s a message saying he has a project near a place I am renting. I am not giving writing the entire message here, but again as everything, after everything, it makes no sense at all.
Well it does in the context of a crisis I guess 😅

I am very positive he is not fully cooked.

Message could have been to reach out carefully or just a check and go.

But as the advise is given: believe none said an half of the actions made.
Well, I think I can safely mark it as some kind of reaching out.
Could be with very different intentions really.

I am proud to say I again just thanked him and wished him the best on the project in a message send the next day, when I had time to answer.

No I didn’t jump in the air of joy. And I am happy for that, because it means I have learned. I am fully aware I don’t and never needed his approval or attention. My life stays the same :)

But go be honest, jep it did take away just that little bit of the feeling I am just a used tissue to him.
It confirms he isn’t in his right mind and I deserve the best as well.
It did confirm the process of an identity crisis and gives me more trust to keep doing my thing.


I gave myself a lot of hugs and pats of the back during all this, to keep detaching and telling myself I’d be OK. Another day, another week, another month, keep staying strong. It’s still not easy and I don’t allow myself to read to much into his message, but somewhere deep inside it feels like the tables are turning.


Keep going everyone and try to enjoy the positive things around you.











Offline EssentialTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
« Reply #8 on: June 26, 2019, 11:32:08 AM »

A few months ago I realised, when going through my stuff, that he still has some of mine.
And not the least. Some china I inherited from my grandmother. I’m sure there is more stuff of mine but I don’t care about that.
It was stored in a garage we rented together en he kept renting to house all of his things after BD.
We were moving stuff out together but stopped when I found out he had kept seeing and sleeping with ow.

This china means a lot to me. But I am not missing it at the moment, it’s an emotional thing really.
I definitely want it back at some point.

When I realised I left it in the garage, I was pretty bummed. But didn’t feel like giving up the peace I have found and still need to be able to leave it all behind me.

I guess he still rents the garage and I’m not sure if he’s aware of what’s still in there.

Not sure what to do.

I want it back one day and for some reason I think I will and I need to leave it all be. For sure after he has let me known, for unclear reasons, he’d be around. He clearly expected some reaction from me.
I definitly can do without seeing him for the moment. Not sure if I can deal with that just yet.

But on the other hand I don’t want to be a pushover and sacrifice something of value to me and since he is in the neigborhoud, he can drop it off without us having to meet.

Trying to set boundaries, but sometimes it’s hard to find what’s more important to me.

Online Treasur

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
« Reply #9 on: June 26, 2019, 11:37:28 AM »
Perhaps you could ask a friend to help so you don't need to contact him yourself?
Having lost family, I found that some things mattered tremendously with time. Others not so much, but as these are from your family not your life together, it makes sense that you would want them back. My grandmother died over 30 years ago but I have a Pyrex dish of hers and think of her every time I use it.
« Last Edit: June 26, 2019, 11:38:30 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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