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Author Topic: My Story Quarter Life Crisis

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My Story Quarter Life Crisis
OP: June 17, 2019, 03:15:51 PM
It’s been more then a year now. Since my ex very suddenly and in an unclear and confusing way has walked out of our relationship. We had been together for 9 years. Shared a house and 2 cats. We were talking about buying a house or put that off for the future and spend our money on travelling first. A baby was something we talked about as well. It was an open discussion, no time pressure.
But I think this was different for him. He finally was going to graduate (started studying late), he had my full support. Was thinking about what next career wise and was about to turn thirty.
I am sure all this coming together scared the hell out of him.

In just a few weeks he ripped himself away from me. Fell in love with ow, a colleague, cheated. He confessed after their first night together..
Broke my heart. First of all I gave him time to decide what he wanted. We decided to stay in different places until he did and I had had the time to process the news as well.

Until he broke it off with me. Said he didn’t deserve me. He said he fully realised he never had been worthy of me. He didn’t know what he would do. The relationship with ow wasn’t about her, but everything around her, is what he said. He wanted to move to a different country for a while,..

In the beginning I couldn’t take their relationship all too serious, she wasn’t his type.
But even so he even then kept lying, manipulating, moving out, emptying his home office and most of all kept sleeping with her. It started to consume me. I snooped. My heart broke again and again. I was desperate to just feel OK again. And yes I pleaded an begged. Just couldn’t believe what was happening, not ever would I have believed he was capable of doing this. That was a very big low for me. He manipulated me emotionally. Crying, telling me he didn’t understand, he didn’t know what he wanted,... although I learned that might have been true.

Over the months he went from: not being good enough to, not understanding, not knowing, to I am in love with you both, monogamy is a ridiculous concept. We will be together again in the future,.. to saying I broke it off not him, that I needed to give him the change to fix this, so he wouldn’t lose ‘ the best thing that ever happened to him’. To taking me out to dinner and paying (turned out he kept that from ow). He went on a trip for a few weeks ( without ow) started to unblock me on social media. Meanwhile still being together with ow. I went nuts from his behaviour and asked hem what the hell he was doing and I deserved honest closure.

I didn’t get a clear answer just yet.
I gave up when he started calling me an oppressor. His message back then was so full of hate and anger towards me.
And I can assure you, I wouldn’t hurt a fly.
It started my process of accepting that he is in crisis and I need to give him time.

I went to therapists. They told me I was doing as best as I could and would be fine.
The most frustrating part for me was: I couldn’t understand, there was no logic or love to the story.
Where was my best friend? And why could nobody tell me how the h*ll this could happen.
Reading as much as I could helps me answering this for myself. It’s a crisis, there is no logic.

14 months after BD and we rarely communicate. I broke off communication in a friendly calm matter. After about 7 months.
Contacted him for his birthday and for a practical matter that suddenly turned up. In this last contact I also wanted to give myself some closure and told him I was very struck and hurt at first, but I accept his decision and am doing well. I admit it might have been to influence him, didn’t want guilt to push his running even more. But it is true as well. I am financially in a good place, working 2 jobs and nailing it, have wonderful family and friends. Plus saving up to buy my own place. My self esteems grows again. And my life isn’t about the hurt anymore.

But the wounds aren’t fully healed yet. I do miss him and sometimes this unreal feelings gets to me.

He did answer every time. Even said he was sorry for the way things happened, that it wasn’t the correct way. That for him, he still needs a moment now and then to grasp what happened.

I said I appreciated it. Tried not to make more of it, as That message was very much about him. I truly mourn and need to get over the traumatic experience step by step.
Trying to build myself up and be the best version of me.

This is a crazy, unreal, experience. Really doing all I can to make it as positive as possible.
Not sure of my story helps anyone here, but I’ve been reading a lot on the forum and wanted to share as well.

Baby steps.





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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#1: June 17, 2019, 05:48:22 PM
Sounds like you're in a really good place. Big hugs! It's not easy, at any age or stage.

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"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#2: June 18, 2019, 12:47:23 AM
Hi Essential,

I'm personally glad that you shared your story for it looks a success story to me  :)

My 1st W was what I thought was QLC when she divorced from me, though it may have been so called Walk away spouse stuff too, she wanted to have kids and I was unsure at that time, I was quite immature in that relationship too so I can't blame her whatever it was. That happened at the end of 2005 and at 2006 Jan she filed. Today, we have talked things trough and both apologized what we had to and are even friends with her, not that close ones but anyway I got over it with time. I'm not sure if it matters how do you call it, QLC or MLC, in my opinion (tho I am not an expert in this) they have much in common. I did all that pegging and pleading stuff too and probably just pushed her away with that. That's how we are, it's very human and I really didn't have a clue about age crisis back then, I was just totally shocked and horrified and depressed.

You are doing really good, not only survived the crisis but got the positive outcome out of it, that's exactly what you should do. If you are at same age than he, you have so much in ahead, make this very difficult phase in your life a good basis for all that as you seem to be very capable to do that. You are a strong woman.


 




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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#3: June 18, 2019, 04:32:00 AM
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#4: June 19, 2019, 01:48:27 AM
Thanks so much for the reactions and helpful kind words, Silver, Ready2Transform and OldPilot. I hope you are doing fine!

I truly hope I am being as strong as I can in this absurd story.
I’m reading everything I can get my hands on concerning the subject.

The helicopter view of the situation is what kept/keeps me sane.
The ow matter has cut very deep. I don’t think she is more pretty, smart, talented or anything then me. And still that betrayal, the fact that he wants to be with her, in that way, well that hurt.
I think that might be because I never could image he would. So the concept of him crossing that intimate boundary with someone else was hard to grasp.

But with detaching and reading up on MLC and MLC affairs I see she fits the description of an alienator. I see he is not the same person as I was with.
I think that is what kept confusing me as well the first weeks after BD, I tried to talk to my friend and he wasn’t there.

I think I am quite lucky with the understanding of my environment, but there are people who talk bad of him and so made me feel those 9 years were my fantasy and I am better off. I don’t think thats a nice thing to say to someone left behind. Although I understand they say it out of hurt as well. It can be tough to deal with. And most people are very supportive so all in all :)


I am glad I somewhat found an explanation to how something like this can happen, it’s what helps me have some sort of trust in the future. I was very much disappointed in life, love and relationships in the first months after BD.


Thanks again for the welcome and lots of strength to everyone Today.
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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#5: June 19, 2019, 02:06:43 AM
Glad to see that you have understood it's not about you, that's why comparing oneself with alienator is useless, though we all done that at some point.


The helicopter view of the situation is what kept/keeps me sane.


I love this really bc it is how we should look the situation. Like in depression, it's so easy to turn inwards and get lost, not seeing the big picture or anything good in life, it's like leaving spouse would be the only thing that's ever been important in our lives and relationship with him/her the only thing that matters and since it's gone, life is pointless and unworthy. Further from BD we get the better we see that it's not. Helicopter view may do the same, good for you that you master that as well as help you to see what their crisis is about, not us.
Way to go Essential!
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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#6: June 19, 2019, 02:23:03 AM
Not a lot for me to add. You seem to already have most of the details under control in terms of your own security, both emotional and financial.

He is on his own journey and it is totally on him to deal with it.  There is absolutely NOTHING that you can do to help him or to prod him along. In fact, certain behaviours on our part can hinder their journey because most of what we could possibly do comes across to them as controlling or pressure, regardless of how it is intended on our side.

His fling with OW may last years but it will most certainly NOT be unicorns farting glittery rainbow clouds, puppy dogs and pink cotton candy. Any R that is formed on lies and deceit will eventually have it's own problems (unless, of course, one or the other or both parties are so totally broken as to be able to permanently ignore the elephant in the room...

Meanwhile, you are busy doing you and growing forward in your life... Can't ask for more than that...

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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#7: June 23, 2019, 11:49:50 AM
It’s so great to have support. I don’t think I would have been able to be in the semi-good place I am at now if I wouldn’t have found a logic behind the non-logic.

Thanks so much.

I am feeling OK, as I said: I have a good job, two even. Goals and desires in life. I know I’ll be OK.
But as many experience, there is that hurt. The betrayal. The horrible feeling of finding out you have been lied to. I really felt like a trown away used tissue. I am now: just one of the women he had in his life, world upside down. But when my self value rose again, I really start to see what he has lost. What he has given up. Not anymore just the loss I experienced. Really start to feel he is the loser in all this.

Coincidence or not, after months of no contact he contacted me a few days ago.
When I saw his message popping up I just tought: Well Ok, expected this to happen at some point and I went to bed.

It’s a message saying he has a project near a place I am renting. I am not giving writing the entire message here, but again as everything, after everything, it makes no sense at all.
Well it does in the context of a crisis I guess 😅

I am very positive he is not fully cooked.

Message could have been to reach out carefully or just a check and go.

But as the advise is given: believe none said an half of the actions made.
Well, I think I can safely mark it as some kind of reaching out.
Could be with very different intentions really.

I am proud to say I again just thanked him and wished him the best on the project in a message send the next day, when I had time to answer.

No I didn’t jump in the air of joy. And I am happy for that, because it means I have learned. I am fully aware I don’t and never needed his approval or attention. My life stays the same :)

But go be honest, jep it did take away just that little bit of the feeling I am just a used tissue to him.
It confirms he isn’t in his right mind and I deserve the best as well.
It did confirm the process of an identity crisis and gives me more trust to keep doing my thing.


I gave myself a lot of hugs and pats of the back during all this, to keep detaching and telling myself I’d be OK. Another day, another week, another month, keep staying strong. It’s still not easy and I don’t allow myself to read to much into his message, but somewhere deep inside it feels like the tables are turning.


Keep going everyone and try to enjoy the positive things around you.










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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#8: June 26, 2019, 11:32:08 AM

A few months ago I realised, when going through my stuff, that he still has some of mine.
And not the least. Some china I inherited from my grandmother. I’m sure there is more stuff of mine but I don’t care about that.
It was stored in a garage we rented together en he kept renting to house all of his things after BD.
We were moving stuff out together but stopped when I found out he had kept seeing and sleeping with ow.

This china means a lot to me. But I am not missing it at the moment, it’s an emotional thing really.
I definitely want it back at some point.

When I realised I left it in the garage, I was pretty bummed. But didn’t feel like giving up the peace I have found and still need to be able to leave it all behind me.

I guess he still rents the garage and I’m not sure if he’s aware of what’s still in there.

Not sure what to do.

I want it back one day and for some reason I think I will and I need to leave it all be. For sure after he has let me known, for unclear reasons, he’d be around. He clearly expected some reaction from me.
I definitly can do without seeing him for the moment. Not sure if I can deal with that just yet.

But on the other hand I don’t want to be a pushover and sacrifice something of value to me and since he is in the neigborhoud, he can drop it off without us having to meet.

Trying to set boundaries, but sometimes it’s hard to find what’s more important to me.
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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#9: June 26, 2019, 11:37:28 AM
Perhaps you could ask a friend to help so you don't need to contact him yourself?
Having lost family, I found that some things mattered tremendously with time. Others not so much, but as these are from your family not your life together, it makes sense that you would want them back. My grandmother died over 30 years ago but I have a Pyrex dish of hers and think of her every time I use it.
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« Last Edit: June 26, 2019, 11:38:30 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#10: June 27, 2019, 02:10:23 AM
Perhaps you could ask a friend to help so you don't need to contact him yourself?
Having lost family, I found that some things mattered tremendously with time. Others not so much, but as these are from your family not your life together, it makes sense that you would want them back. My grandmother died over 30 years ago but I have a Pyrex dish of hers and think of her every time I use it.

I have (I know, it sounds a bit silly) a recipe card from my grandmother for her special Date Roll Christmas cookies. I have transcribed the recipe to another card but I have the original still as well, even if it is yellowed, stained, and barely readable... and I have a wooden cross that my grandparents had as long as I can remember that hangs on my wall.... Grandpa went to glory in 1983 and Grandma in 2002.....
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#11: June 27, 2019, 12:55:34 PM
Not silly at all! Unfortunately my grandmother wasn’t interested in cooking herself, so no family recipe here :)
And Treasur, I can imagine. Any thing can be a trigger or a memory. I think it’s nice because it makes you remember.

The china means a lot because it has a little golden pincer that’s used to grab sugar cubes.
I remember that my sibblings and I played with it when we went to visit my grandparents. We were very behaved and quietly sat at the table. But we had fun pressing the little pincer to open, close and grab different items on the table with it. That little pincer has emotional value.

I think sentiment can be a beautifull thing. My grandmother died a few years ago and I had my piece with it quite soon, as she had felt it to be her time and she believed she’d be seeing her late husband again.
 

But that sad, I have more stuff of hers, that I actually use very frequently, like a wisk. Best wisk I have had. It’s my favourite. Though I’ve never seen her use it or have a memory of it.

I’ve tought about what I feel I should do. And actually I think I’m going to let it rest for now.
I don’t think that he has realised this is in his garage.

After a lot of unclear messages and hurt I cut off communication when I noticed him monstering.
Two times I have made contact since then, for his birthday and for something practical/legal.
I was always polite, made no more comments on ow or put any kind of pressure on him.

This made me feel good about myself as my feelings stopped being about his actions.
That he did this to me did hurt. But no matter what he does, I need to process the hurt it brought with it myself. That’s also why I don’t believe a new relation would fix anything. Or being together with him Tomorrow wouldn’t either. Realising this, brings a form of peace, because I need time.

And now after months of focussing on myself and no pressure towards him. He actually contacted me; no monstering. I don’t tend to believe his words but still, the action came from him.

I keep my expectations low on this defenitely because I feel there is a hidden meaning behind this form of reaching out and I can’t know what that is. Not a psychic.

My path continues just as it was going.

All these small reasons and probably even more keep me from contacting him and asking for a ‘favour’. I don’t want to be needing him to do something for me in any way. If that makes sense.
I feel like he thinks I’m here still. Ready for him.
Then jumping on the first contact he made in quite some time to ask for something to do for me...No I’d rather keep my self worth. I’ll stay polite and respectfull, but as long as he doesn’t grow up and treats me with true respect, I’ll do no more other then just that.

Hope my English is a bit clear, not my first language :)

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#12: June 28, 2019, 12:16:30 AM
And now after months of focussing on myself and no pressure towards him. He actually contacted me; no monstering. I don’t tend to believe his words but still, the action came from him.

I keep my expectations low on this defenitely because I feel there is a hidden meaning behind this form of reaching out and I can’t know what that is. Not a psychic.

My path continues just as it was going.

All these small reasons and probably even more keep me from contacting him and asking for a ‘favour’. I don’t want to be needing him to do something for me in any way. If that makes sense.
I feel like he thinks I’m here still. Ready for him.
Then jumping on the first contact he made in quite some time to ask for something to do for me...No I’d rather keep my self worth. I’ll stay polite and respectfull, but as long as he doesn’t grow up and treats me with true respect, I’ll do no more other then just that.

You are doing very good, I agree there's no reason to change that in any way! Stay on the path!

Hope my English is a bit clear, not my first language :)

Your English is just perfect to me. Not my language either but we get along here just great  :)
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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#13: July 03, 2019, 03:25:07 AM
Thanks so much Silver.

I feel a bit hesitant with sharing detailed info here.
I’ve always learned what you’ve put online stays so forever.

So I don’t dare to use this as a form of diary.
Obviously I wouldn’t use names or locations, but I don’t think that’s needed to recognize someone.
I don’t think anyone is after me but I feel the need to be carefull.

Even so, I also feel the need to share with people who understand the weirdness of this situation.

I’ve been staying on track even tough he reached out in the form of an excuse (my gut feeling says it was an excuse). I am even planning a holiday trip for in a few weeks :D
Scared about the unknown but it’s exciting as well! I know it will also make be a stronger person, learning not to doubt too much and enjoy myself.
I’ve definitely learned I can’t control everything and going with the flow gives peace and the chance to actually enjoy. It’s very freeing.

I notice myself sometimes, slipping back in the old habbit of being undecisive about very unimportant stuff, gave me stress and the idea that negative events were caused by my wrong decision. It’s crazy and quite compulsive, def if you know this could be about which cereal box to pick, or which carrot,.. Now I try to just shrug and pick whichever. Thinking: I’ve always tried to choose thinking this small thinking the choice would decide whether things go good or bad and still this happened. I tried to give myself the illusion of control, a bit based on the time travelling idea that laying a rock differntly in the past alters the entire future. ( Now you see that the time travelling theory, in movies etc, consist more out of alternate universes, that relaxes me I guess :P) But I’m rambling.

Still having a good time with family and at work. Learning about myself a lot as I said.
Ex reached out two weeks ago, I answered polite with no pressure. Couldn’t quite believe he took the effort and I went back to what I was doing
Now I notice he changing other things towards me as well. (Trying to stay vague here, but believe me, I’m not following him on social media or snooping, I have no idea about how his current relation status is). It are changes he is making, which only I can notice. My feeling says he is thinking about me and wants me to notice. But again, could be anything.
When I saw it it stirred up some relieve ( takes away the feeling I mean nothing to him anymore) but also confusion and anger. Had a good cry and continued with what I was doing. Not showing him anything, he has to reach out honest and in a mature way. IF he wants to get into contact I need this to come from him.

I notice it gives me small expectations, but I am trying to not have them.
I think it’s me processing the (however small) changes in his behaviour.


As I said before, I need him to be mature and sincere. Really not starting a new relation with less.
I came too far to do so.

Good luck Today everyone!
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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#14: July 03, 2019, 04:26:45 AM
Illusion of control is quite typical for us human beings don't you think? It's about feeling more safe I guess, kind of mental effort to prevent 'bad things' happening to us with our choices.
With spouse's crisis which obviously becomes our relationship crisis as well, we learn to let go of things we don't have control on which is quite liberating actually. None of us chose this yet every of us are here for it, and probably none of us have any control on their journeys so why don't focus on our own growth instead of just waiting what may or may not happen! Standing or done, that's the ultimate goal imho.

Focusing in every possible change in his behaviour and actions is very human and understandable. Still my take on it is that you should try to avoid that. More you focus on him, less you focus on you. It's very difficult to not set expectations while trying to read everything they do and in my short yet quite intense LBS history, I misread most of the times anyway. More I tried to understand her actions, words, moods, more confused she got me bc there is no much logic in it. Today this tomorrow that etc. Hope is always good but when focusing on them too much, it tends to turn to expectations insidiously.
 
You are doing good, thank yourself for that and keep doing things for you.


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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#15: July 03, 2019, 04:41:32 AM
Hello,

You are doing fine. I like the fact that you are doing something on your own. I remember my first adventure out on my own and I was so excited to do something new completely on my own. I took a train to downtown LA and watched a Clippers game. Wow, talk about exciting.

You need to realize that you are in control of your life. When we are with our partners, we become attached to things about them and our choices and decisions take their perspective and feelings into account. Like the cereal. On my own, I pick the cereal I want. Now, I think of others and what they would eat as well. Different way of thinking. But it connects us to the other people in our lives.

Now, you only have to think about yourself. Doing what makes you happy. If he reaches out, it is what we call a touch and go. I remember my first one. I thought she was reconnecting. I was so confused when she pulled back. OP gently let me know I had a 'Touch and Go". He will from time to time in his journey, check on  you. To see your status and then disappear right back in the rabbit hole. As long as you have no expectations and allow him to navigate his own waters, you will be fine. If you build up expectations, it can bring all the pain back.

My final note is to share what you feel comfortable sharing. The forum exists to support you on your own journey as you become whole again.

Have a great day and ((((Hugs))))

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#16: July 03, 2019, 10:41:35 AM
Thanks to both!

I had a day off Today and feeling a bit sick, results in a bit of ‘a bad day’ but really not that bad. Had much worse!
Relaxed a lot, hehe. Took the time to prepare the upcoming trip!

Did a lot of stuff for myself in the last year, went to the other side off the world, hans zimmer concert, drinks with friends, new job. But small things as well. The midlife crisis thing is somewhere in the background, I drag it along, the cheating and hurt, the feeling of emotional torture. Sometimes I hate him for it. Sometimes I cry because is miss him as he was and mourn as if he died. That’s mostly when I’m tired or overwhelmed.

But the good news is, it’s in the background. I don’t think about him and ow as much anymore, really try to make her part not that important. Don’t let myself be used or tortured anymore. It used to be all I could think about tough, but that just hurt too much. Understanding more and more about mlc helps answering the hurting questions I had for myself. Aka I took a lot of the emotional pain away myself as to at first I was literally begging him to take away my pain by at least respectfully end our relationship. Its a hard thing to do. Everyday. Giving this a place and moving on.
Easy trap to focus on him again.

I don’t try to be defensive but I think it might have sounded like I obsess over him, checking in.
But I don’t know anything other then actions he takes towards me :)
And even the smallest give me something emotional to concur again, which I vented here.

In the beginning I envied (very naive of me) the people with a mlc’r that didn’t leave.
But I realise I could not take that, I’d not be able to focus on myself and stop trying to fix his issues.

The only thing I take out of his recents actions is that everything I’ve been reading so far seems to match his situation. The BD, the affair, the doubting, bad view on our live together, change of personality, the fog, disappearing, blocking me everywhere, without any reasonable explanation.
And now the weird indirect contact, which indeed probably is a touch and go. Looking if he can still trigger me, get me to contact him or get me angry.

But no worries, I’m learning day by day. Don’t let myself be lured into all the drama again, never liked drama.
Obviously I’m not cold hearted, this does something to me.
I think I do still love him. Can’t know if I could have a relationship again with him tough.
But that’s something to worry about if that option would present itself.


Anyone who reads this and is feeling desperate and in pain. Give yourself time, you deserve to feel OK again and you will. Be very patient and loving towards yourself as if you would to someone else going through this.


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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#17: July 03, 2019, 11:21:09 AM
Sending virtual Hugs.....
Essential,

I am so grateful to read here and I don't feel alone or crazy for caring or even loving someone who hurt me and not only me but our kids. MLC becomes very selfish they become evil monsters.

I am also been feeling down and also taking it one day at a time but is hard especially like you said is like they died we are mourning them. I remember my BD was right after Spring break of 2017 now that I think about it she was distant I still remember us driving and me trying to get her to smile or sing along with us but now I see she was already gone.
The way I explained to my therapist was like me waking up from a horrible accident and we made it but W died. Because that's what it feels like I lost my best friend, my partner in crime, we where like ying and yang. So sad that we LBS have to go through this.

I will be honest I was a stander but so much hurt has happened I ask how can we overcome this. My long time therapist says your Ex w is a narcissist I hate to tell you that and somedays I question can she be a narcissist but I also follow Sis on here who sister was a MLC and she said  MLC and Narcissist have lots of traits but they are not and the only thing why I believe in MLc because it just happened over night and all our stories sound the same. I guess I do pray we at least could be civil because W doesn't want to even see me or even talk even though we have kids.

One day at a time
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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#18: July 03, 2019, 12:17:38 PM
So sorry to read that Jay78

I know, the similarities in the story's, the so called mlc script, helps me place it as well. It slightly helps not taking it personal and not caring so much about the ow. Although even so, this is a hard thing to do and requires daily effort.

I don’t know rebuilding is possible, but everything I’ve read and seen around me says it’s not impossible, very hard tough probably. But if person comes out of crisis as a whole and the LBS took the time to become strong again as well, you never know.
Tough it’s a guess and I wouldn’t rely on it. I think with keeping yourself secure, financially and emotionally as best as you can, you are doing the best you can.

 I’ve read a few posts of shocks sis as well and it’s great we get that insight. Showing how crazy painfully it must be for the mlc. I also believe the narcissism comes with mlc. My ex could have his selfish side, but a narcissist? No I don’t believe so. The crazy thing is he always feared becoming his dad, scared an full of self pity, and just overnight, he did.

Can’t imagine how it must be to have to see your kids go through this as well :(
Stick to the advise; only look for contact if absolutely necessary, stay to the business and do not bring up relationship talk. Do not blame her. Work on yourself, for yourself and the kids, they need you!

I know how much it hurts, we are here because of the same pain :( as you say; one day at the time.





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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#19: July 03, 2019, 11:30:55 PM
Yes it is very hard and painful too, even though you have knowledge and understand it's much about script, not about you etc etc. It's not possible to isolate our feelings and emotions from the facts, we still have to face that all. But it helps to know what it's about and that there is very little we can do about it, but so much that we can do for US.

I don’t know rebuilding is possible, but everything I’ve read and seen around me says it’s not impossible, very hard tough probably. But if person comes out of crisis as a whole and the LBS took the time to become strong again as well, you never know.
Tough it’s a guess and I wouldn’t rely on it. I think with keeping yourself secure, financially and emotionally as best as you can, you are doing the best you can.

Not impossible, I'm glad you found stories that points that to you! Still I would add that if person comes out of crisis and LBS does her/his work AND still wants to reconciliate. I understand very well that standing is a decision and reconciliation is the goal, but life happens and time does it's work, there are some stories also about LBS is done at the time MLCer wants to reconciliate. I'm not saying that should be anyone's goal but it can happen and in a way, if I was a stander I probably would take that fact as quite liberating thought, options for us too, not just for MLCers.



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Re: Quarter Life Cris
#20: July 20, 2019, 02:18:18 AM
Urgh, what just happened.

There is yearly festival, which I went to last year with a broken hart. Ended up running into ex and ow.
Not that much of a coincidence as I was walking around all the time, looking for a pain reliever.
It was a very traumatic experience for me. He said so much weird things.

Just last Wednesday, I told my sister I wouldn’t go this year.
I just hate all the drama, and feel like I’m on a good path.
Didn’t go to another recent festival, felt like it would be good to avoid any conflict since I am already dealing with my share of issues to overcome. Felt good about not going.

But my sister and other people said; it’s such a big festival, what are the changes to run into him.
And she had a point, there are thens of thousands people visiting and it lasts a week.

Yesterday I was randomly invited to a ‘party’ from another company in the same building as the one I work at. As I told my colleagues quite late, only one person ended up coming with me.
A female colleague that I only know a little bit. So we went, had some small talk with people.
And you know, I was happy to be out. Enjoying the summer festival feeling. Excited to meet new people that might suit me. You never know, maybe a nice guy as well.

Afterwards we went to the festival. Met up with some colleagues there. Proud that I didn’t let that trauma and those memories stand in my way.
Then suddenly when in conversation with my new female friend. It turns out she is a friend of ow.
Just as I felt safe and had fun.
I rarely drink, but allowed myself to have a cocktail just before then.
Not sure if the alcohol helped. But I broke when I heard she had known about the situation since the day we met a few months ago.
I guess I felt safe at work and safe with my new friends at the festival.
But it turned me around and I cried. She was very respectful, tried to comfort me, point out she has nothing to do with all that and barely knows anything about it. Just that ow doesn’t feel like ex cheated on me. Doesn’t count as cheating in ow’s mind.
But female friend/colleague told me she ‘is on my side’ because she has been cheated on as well.
Guess she doesn’t believe ow that much either. But you know, she is her friend. So I don’t trust her anymore.

Now I regret I broke down there.
I know it’s human, but I was doing so well with the no contact. No way of him to know how I was feeling. And now it depends on how trustworthy my friend/colleague is.

It took me a while to overcome the pain that had resurfaced. Just when we went to a different location ( a place I suggested, because the one my friends did didn’t sound fun) and who was standing there as well, no other then ow :(
My friend/ colleague noticed too and we went to stand somewhere else. I had to regroup my thoughts.
First I felt so sad I wanted to go home. But I didn’t really, there were so many nice people.
I ended up staying with my group of friends all night, who were standing just 5 metres from ow’s group of friends.
I’m just not sure what I should’ve done. I ignored her existence, turned around my mood and had fun.

Met a former crush there too, he was as nice as ever :)
Many men flirting.

Now I am not sure how well my friend/colleague knows ow.
Because turns out she know half of the people walking around.
I try not to feel bad about opening up and showing my pain.
She actually got quite drunk and kissed and pursued a few men to make her ex, who was standing there as well, jealous. I am not like that. I am quite reserved in that context. I feel that ow is like that as well, lose and using physical contact to her benefit. 
Saw ow briefly dancing with a guy as well. Haven’t noticed ex around.

Trusted a closer colleague with my pain and he told me he found her very un pretty, couldn’t compare with me.Was a very nice thing to say of him. Thought so as well to be honest. She’s not a nice person.
I saw her out of the corner of my eye now and then and I truly don’t get what ex sees in her. I know him and she’s not his type. Hurts tough.

I just wanted to have relaxed night out to meet new people.
Don’t think I am going again. It’s always a drama fest there.

Trying to tell myself it’s all ok. Didn’t do anything wrong and made every choice in favour of myself.
Tried to be strong and confident. Didn’t do anything to manipulate ex or ow.

But I know it doesn’t matter. Giving it all too much attention.
But it’s in my head at the moment and I can vent here.
Don’t wanna make it bigger then it is in my real life.
Back to getting back on my path.

Going back to acting indifferent towards people I don’t really know for now.
Sad it has to be that way. When do I know if it’s safe to open up, without it backfiring on me?
How can I make new friends if everyone turns out to be related in some way?




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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#21: July 20, 2019, 02:29:40 PM
Another festival night and I’m not joining.
I feel sad partially because I deserve to blow off some steam.
But after last night I know again why I have been in self protection mode.
And I need to watch myself a little while longer. Take it easy.
Not force myself and get in touch with my feelings.

You know when some days you are not feeling completely in control of your own reactions to your emotions? And don’t really think before acting on them?

Felt like I had that Yesterday. I shouldn’t have ‘freaked out’ when I heard my colleague is a friend/acquaintance of ow.
I was tired and had some alcohol.
Fixer as I am, I plan to talk to her on Monday. Explain why it had upset me as it did.
So she knows I was overwhelmed by that fact as it came totally out of the blue and I had set my hopes up on a night without any drama our anything to do with ow or ex :/ and it keeps following me, I just a wanted fun night!


Truth also is that I fear ow saw me crying and she’ll hear from her friend that it was about my ex and her. Urgh, I feel stupid. I hate this. All this watching out what I do, who I talk to about what. Who can I trust.
I hate avoiding sincere questions from people that care about me, but are related to ex or ow in some manner.

And why?
I want my life, separate from his choices. I don’t want him to know anything about my current life. I want to have my safe space. To be able to be myself.
And I feel forced to hide it, because as soon as I open up I feel that info is out there for him to pick up on. I just want absolutely nothing to do with this and feel free in my own home town.


I guess I could have that if I didn’t care about him anymore, if I didn’t care about whether I worsen his crisis or not. I hope am I blowing this up and it doesn’t really matter.


I have some friends of whom I know have no relation what so ever with ex or ow.
But I don’t feel like I can bother them all the time with my hurt. And talking about it makes it real again and me vulnerable. A drama queen. Still feeling for a man who doesn’t deserve me or did not want to be with me anymore.

What an emotional torture the MLC’r leaves on the LBS.
And this probable doesn’t even compare with what many of you go through :(

I remember now why I don’t go out a lot. Little sleep makes me very emotional 😭
And I realise the confrontation last night got me back on his rollercoaster.
I am making too many assumptions.

Hope I can pick myself up again Tomorrow.

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#22: July 20, 2019, 02:46:54 PM
Big hugs. It's so hard when the social circles are small. Feels like you're always in a fishbowl on display! Time will make everything easier. Your feelings were very valid. It's hard to gauge how much trust to put into people. Wish I could tell  you that gets easier with time, but boundaries have continued to be an issue for me. Something I am still working on for sure!
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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#23: July 20, 2019, 03:26:58 PM
Thanks Ready2Transform,

I feel I had nobody to talk about this Today.
In my day to day life I mostly can handle it. But sometimes we need someone to tell us our feelings are valid.


I really don’t know any other way then to not talk about it, only with people that I know I can trust and can truly call a friend.

Steadily breaking of contact with his family, although I love them and appreciate their invitations to meet up. I mean, what would I say to them if we met up..

Not talking about it with my own family, they were very sweet and helpful, but the concept of a identity crisis is mostly lost on them. They don’t bring the situation up any more. My mom still sometimes mentions him in a story, very respectful of her. I know they used to hit it off quite all right.

Work is work and I try to be professional.

Therapist didn’t really know how go help me further.
I tend to logic my way out of my questions during therapy and they see it as a healthy way of processing + I am saving up for a house and can really use the money. I want to do this for myself. Get a life again, my own home.

So it’s quite the lonely process.

In what way are you working on boundaries?
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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#24: July 21, 2019, 02:34:08 AM
Never posted this much in just a few days :)

I’ve been going through a rough time mentally.
I am processing something but I’m not sure what.

I saw ow and know more then ever that I don’t really care about her.
They weren’t partying together either, which would’ve been more pain full to see.
I guessed they were still a couple so that’s no change.

Having her friend tell me that ow sees it differently and that in her eyes, they didn’t cheat and did nothing wrong. Well, that just confirms how naive she is and her roll as the alienator.
With her he is the hero, just fell in love. Not a cheating liar.

I know the other side of the story.
He did cheat.
Telling me he wanted to sleep with us both.
Blaming me for breaking it up with him (after his continuous cheating and lying).
Well,.. you know the script.

So what is it that has made me feel so down and as the verge of crying these last days?
Why do these negative thought keep running through me head and am I again focussed on them?

I think maybe it is because I thought I was strong and safe.
And in just a few minutes I broke down in front of somebody I rather didn’t.
I had a very hard time getting myself back together.

I guess I don’t trust myself anymore to be strong enough when I need to be.
I have not as much control over myself as I thought I had gained over this last year.
I didn’t take a deep breath and tried to relax myself and think for a minute before reacting to unexpected news. It was a test I failed.
I also hate that it is possible to create a life where people believe your lies and ex can live in that fake existence without judgement.

Ex and ow still have too much power over me. I feel sad because maybe now they know I still care about it all and it can be used against me. Although I should know that what I do doesn’t matter in how he runs from reality. He’ll find a reason anyway. I just don’t want to make things worse.

And for myself I am sad because I am not as far along as I hoped I was.
Even now I am so focussed on them while so much good things happened that night as well:

I went out, just for me.
I’ve seen my former crush which was nice. He was caring.
People cared about me and comforted me saying everything is relative and I am me and that’s great.
I got a few sweet hugs and random kisses on the cheek here and there.
Met a bunch of new people.
Got being hit on several times. Being told I was beautiful.
I gracefully ignored ow’s existence and managed to pull myself together eventually.
I looked great and I know I am a sincere, talented and good person.







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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#25: July 21, 2019, 05:26:28 AM
Hello,

I know what it is like to be in a small circle. It seemed everyone I knew or met, knew about my situation and I hadn't told anyone. My ex had told a few people and it spread like wildfire.

Quote
I saw ow and know more then ever that I don’t really care about her.

Why should you? She is a symptom of his crisis. Does he behave like the man you love? Does he have the substance or character? That is the man she is with? He is like a Luis Vuitton knock off handbag. From a distance, looks like the real thing, but up close and on examination, you know it isn't the real deal. Let her have him.

I think you did well and it is nice to have others flirt with you just for the self-esteem. You can meet new friends. There are other social groups that are where people meet up to do things together. It is not a meat market or club, but people that want to do things like hiking, cooking, watch a movie, or wine taste as a group. Then you can meet new people not attached to your situation. It will help you detach without being in the same social circle as OW.

The most important thing you posted was:

Quote
I looked great and I know I am a sincere, talented and good person.

That's the attitude that will take you places.

(((Hugs)))

Ready
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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#26: July 21, 2019, 09:50:17 AM
All good stuff you are working on, and you are allowed to have your moments of transition during your healing where you are vulnerable. Don't judge yourself too harshly. ;) Each day is a new beginning, and even though you may feel off about how it all went down, this event too is part of your healing into a stronger, more independent self.

As for my boundary work: I tend to open up fast with people when there's a connection. I am working toward not getting stuck in my 'story' still, even though I'm at a very different place with it than I was eight years ago. My identity is not what happened to me. But sometimes I still wear it a bit much on my sleeve.

One thing I want to encourage you about: many of us, myself included, had spouses that had an earlier breakdown, which lead to a much bigger one down the road. My xH was in his 20s, and we weren't married. I considered breaking it off then, and I've often pondered what kept me from doing it. Those things are actually the same things I've done mirror work on now - inaction through fear of making the wrong choice, attachment, etc. If there is a silver lining in a possible non-reconciliation for you (and I know this is probably not exactly "hurrah!" kind of stuff, but more something to think about), it would be that he might be set to have a much bigger crisis in ten or fifteen years, when you would be more embroiled. I just want to encourage you to keep making those great independent choices and plans and moving forward in a way that will give you a great life no matter what. Clearly, you are a bright and talented person with so much depth, reflection, and empathy. Good things are going to happen for you. Trust.

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#27: July 21, 2019, 01:35:27 PM
Oh wauw this sucks. Just wrote a whole text and it’s gone  :o

Readytrotransformmyself first, thank for the Louis Vuitton comparison.
Will keep it in mind when I cycle again.
It is true, this is not the man I cared for.

It was a rough weekend emotionally, but I do feel stronger now.
I’ve seen the ow for who she really is and she’s a lot less important to me know.

Allowed myself to ‘snoop’, went looking for pictures of her. Knew were to find it from in the beginning, the excessive snooping period. And I look at her different, more realistic.
Not worth to feel bad because of her.. Wouldn’t recommend someone else to do this. But it didn’t hurt me anymore :)
Something shifted.

Ready2Transform, thanks for the support!
I get why you are saying this about a silver lining.
You want to encourage me to be stronger not matter what happens. To know what I want.

But for me, thinking that way actually means for of commitment and would keep my current fear and thrust issues in place.
It might be that he comes out of this stronger or not, it might happen again or not. But this counts for anybody I meet. Now, i am afraid to get into a serious relationship and get to a point were it’s all good and I’ll start to be afraid to lose it all again.
I really need to over-win this fear step by step. And I guess it starts with learning to trust my own judgement again.

But I appreciate your post, intentions and I take all advise seriously.

In what way did your ex h go through a rough time during his twenties?
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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#28: July 29, 2019, 02:17:56 PM
So I went to the festival a few more times and enjoyed myself.
Guess I am not afraid to run into ow anymore. Not that I was keeping myself from doing things to avoid to confrontation, but something shifted in the way I see her.
I think I am gradually stopping to project my pain on her.

I notice too, that I like myself and body more. I am trying to really look at myself and accept who I am. I trust my own decisions now as well and accept when I honestly screwed up and learn to let things go. I stand up for myself. I know more what I stand for and what is important to me. But still learning. Just feel a difference there. Def now I saw pictures of myself 3 years ago and see how fragile I was.
I’ve also gained some weight and feel really comfortable about it.

I am not sure how I feel about ex.
Don’t need to explain here how strange the situation is.
Came across a letter he wrote to me over a year ago. So confusing. Def if I think about all the contradicting things that happened afterwards. Didn’t cry when I read it though.
It confirmed to me that he’s not in a stable mindset.

Do wonder about him as I haven’t seen him in a year.
It’s weird how someone can say they care and still leave you to rot in the pain they caused you.
It’s was all about how he is hurt by it all, how terrible he feels. Well sure, but gee thanks..

As I’ve said before, I notice hem getting closer step by step, very carefully. Since this May.
I am ignoring it as much as possible but ofcourse I wonder about why the hell?! And get some balls!
Grow up! It’s so selfish. If you’ve got something to say, say it. But I guess he doesn’t really know himself.

But again, I don’t let him notice. Perhaps it’s a way to get me angry again, perhaps he is testing the waters. Perhaps he is truly happy and doesn’t want to ‘fight’ anymore. I have no idea.
 As long as I don’t hear ow and he has been split up for a while and he is too much of a chicken to contact me directly I just keep going to leave it lying next to me as much as possible. Still hard though sometimes.

If he does contact me while still with ow, I’ll just be calm, friendly and polite. But no friendship can exist for me.
If he does and ow is out the picture I am willing to listen to what he has to say and will try to be there for him, within reason, if he asks me to.


It helps to try to stop seeing the world as a place of hurt, bad ex, bad ow, hurtful times,..
To seeing it as an experience and an opportunity to love and respect. Sounds incredibly lame. But it’s true to me know.

I mostly naively live in my own world. But I know many people are trying to escape reality. Many around me are doing a lot of drugs. Have highly set defence mechanisms etc. It’s crazy rare to feel at peace with who you are, it would seem.

It’s hard not to monkey brain. I think I could image every possible scenario if I’d leave myself to it.
But I read here somewhere that it helps to shout out the current date out loud when you bust yourself.
And it works, I immediately realise where I am and what I am doing and start to thing about other things that follow that trail of thoughts.
But not Tonight, here I can ramble and vent a bit :)

I wish you all a good night/day.
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Re: Essential’s process
#29: August 03, 2019, 02:11:21 PM
I am leaving for my big vacation this Tuesday! Nervous but mostly looking forward.
It’s a place ex loved and so did I. It’s a big step for me, again confronting myself with a world where he is no part of. But as I have been confronting myself step by step by picking up all the pieces of life that I enjoyed before BD. They were tainted at first, but i think I manage to relate new experiences and meaning to activities and don’t project the pain on them anymore. But small steps at a time and only when I feel like I can take it.

I really want to take the advice to be as gracious through this part of my life as I can.
Walk tall. Trust.
And I notice sometimes I am not as far along as I think I am one something unexpected happens.

I notice ex is unblocking me on social media. But the truth is: I shouldn’t notice he is watching my accounts. He does it on different media, with weeks between actions. The fact that I know means I am looking for it. Although I do it in ways where I can’t be hurt with unwanted info or pictures or whatever. I don’t look on his accounts. But even so.. I am watching for it and he is me.
It’s weird. It’s whats written here on the forum as well. If you look for signs..you’ll find some and get hope. Which can end up in a lot of hurt, again.
So I really shouldn’t. I am ignoring his indirect actions towards me. So he doesn’t know I notice. But I can’t help looking whether he is making those actions and it does get in my head. I can’t block him because then he’ll know I noticed. I rather ignore this kind of asking for attention. But that means I need to be strong enough not to check on them. It’s childish and ridiculous. Very sneaky teenage like.
But I am guilty too...


Doesn’t disturb me in my day to day life or in my future plans. But I realise watching him, in any way, can end up in hurting me. It’s addictive, I think because it’s a form of attention. I am not feeling non-existing anymore. Working on watching less and less.. :( so stupid that I find this so hard to ignore. In a way I am giving him the attention.

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#30: August 05, 2019, 06:13:12 AM
Enjoy the vacation!

As far as blocking H, well, the Golden Opportunity is past (blocking him while you were blocked).

As far as snooping goes, just say No.....
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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#31: August 05, 2019, 10:56:37 AM
Quote
In what way did your ex h go through a rough time during his twenties?

I'm sorry it's taken me awhile to answer this.

My xH, in reflection, has had issues as long as I've known him (we started dating at 17 me/18 him). Could easily be dismissed as needing to grow up, or having no exposure to things - but ultimately came down to the sorts of manic and depressive episodes that landed him his bipolar diagnosis in his 30s.

This major episode in his 20s was more of a pronounced "thing" that even he acknowledged years on that he was thinking in a way that did not match up with his dominant personality. We called it "that thing he went through" even before he was diagnosed bipolar or had an MLC symptoms. Even acknowledging it did not really red flag some of his lighter behaviors that carried on (frequent hobby changes, problems at work, anxiety, abrupt friend changes, etc).

In his 20s he reached a point where he couldn't keep a job. He lost his apartment. His pets were in ill health due to neglect. He was in the military reserves, and failed at an attempt to retrain to a different, more lucrative MOS. He let basic upkeep on his environment and personal hygiene slack. He had abstained from alcohol for many years, but suddenly became a very heavy drinker. He threw himself totally into expensive hobbies and ran up debt. He cut off friendships with longtime friends, while starting up new ones with people that he never would have socialized with otherwise. His appearance became strange (very pale and gaunt) and he grew a weird handlebar mustache that drew attention in public (this was not en vogue for young men at the time. Long before hipsters!) and he would fidget with it constantly, as well as other physical tics and fidgets that reappeared at MLC. My father asked him to move in with us as he was concerned for his well-being (and wanted to attempt to help him grow up for my sake!), and he took horrible advantage, to the point that I broke off our long term plans and told him to seek somewhere else to live (I stopped short of a complete breakup).

It was about a 2 year journey. Some parts came on in a subtle way, which made it easier to detach but harder to just tell him to snap out of it. His family had pictures done around this time, and it's shocking to see how he looks in them, especially compared to everyone else (and FOO issue alert - of course, no one said anything or tried to help!). He was actually quite great on the other side of it for awhile. Went into self-care mode (no doctors, though) and got himself physically and emotionally quite fit for awhile. Then crashed again. :( Not as bad as MLC - more tolerable. We married while he was healthier, which in hindsight, was a mistake. Should have waited longer. It would have made a difference in my choice.
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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#32: August 07, 2019, 01:00:15 PM
Thanks both for your reply’s.
Have been travelling the last day, a bit jetlagged now  ;)

I get what you are saying Ursa.
In the first months, when I discoverd he kept sleeping with ow, even tough he claimed otherwise, I asked him to block me. As I couldn’t hold myself from sendong him. My emotions were all over the place and most self control was lost.
So he did.

He went on a trip for a few weeks (hiking in the mountakns) never showed interest in doing that before by the way.
He started to unblock me. Step by step. Guess he got bored, being away from ow and in nature perhaps made him think a little.
I managed to ignore it at first. But broke down and commanded an explenation for his behaviour.
He totally freaked and said He didn’t know why, but he got this very bad feeling when he saw my messages. And so he blocked me again.

I did block him then.
But it didn’t feel natural. I blocked him out of anger. It’s like he succeeded in making me into an angry and bitter person. So I unblocked him. Which he coudln’t know as I was blocked anyway.

Though mutual friends I kemt deekng info on him on social media.. So I’ve kept away from it for about half a year. To protect myself and have the change to pick up my pieces. Any info broke my heart.

I recently got back on social media and he unblocked me.
I even get notificationq when someone checks certain profiles. And I see that he does.
Just recently this started to happen. So I just need to find a way dor myself to handle any snooping urges. Altough I don’t feel tempted to check his profiles at all. Too many possible ways to get hurt there.

In the current situation, I do feel  acting careless is the way I feel best with.
As far as he know, I didn’t even notice a thing.
I don’t know how I feel about him anymore. So I need time and honest direct contact.
I should tru not to care about this indirect provoking behaviour.
Seeing what happened in the past, I think he wants me to act angry about it.

Thats why I just don’t show any reaction.
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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#33: August 08, 2019, 06:11:51 PM
I’m being tested not to snoop.
Messages keep popping up in my mailbox.
‘Ex has watched your page’
‘See what you missed since you loggged in: ex posted ths’ (in old accounts where I apparently still follow him)I had even forgotten that I ever made the account.
It’s the first time in 17 months this is happening.
Is he just happy or is he screaming for attention.

I guess it doesn’t matter.
I’ll try to stay tough and stick to the 180 list.

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#34: August 09, 2019, 03:32:42 AM
I’m being tested not to snoop.
Messages keep popping up in my mailbox.
‘Ex has watched your page’
‘See what you missed since you loggged in: ex posted ths’ (in old accounts where I apparently still follow him)I had even forgotten that I ever made the account.
It’s the first time in 17 months this is happening.
Is he just happy or is he screaming for attention.

I guess it doesn’t matter.
I’ll try to stay tough and stick to the 180 list.

So,
Step 1) Unfollow him from those accounts... Why go pain-shopping ???  or, in other words, if it hurts when you poke yourself in the eye with a fork, stop poking yourself in the eye with a fork...
Step 2) When you get those messages, you can usually find somewhere in the upper right or left corners an icon or set of ellipses that allow you to configure those kinds of messages... That is where you can turn them off...
Step 3) If all else fails, turn off the PC, go somewhere else and do things where your heart, head, and hands are otherwise occupied.

And you are totally correct... It DOESN'T matter if he is screaming for attention or happy because it has nothing to do with you nor anything that you can control or influence...
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#35: August 09, 2019, 06:05:25 AM
Thanks Ursa.

I was surprised this morning when I got the email.
Pictures he posted, right there. When I even haven’t used the social media app for years (made it for a contest one day). Apparently I am a follower of his.

Good thinking, I unsubscribed from further updates.
I guess I am used to him being totally dark about whats going on in his currznt life.
I probably have to get used to him being back, even on this small scale.
No contact is easy when the person in crisis avoids it at all costs. This seems to turn and it’s new to me.

I think I feel best with ignoring all of it as much as possible. Not take any actions in respons.
Guess I have to start thinking about what my boundary is here or if I can do something to feel better.
I’ll give it some tought.

And about the distractions, that’s going quite well as I am currently visiting the other side of the world :D




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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#36: September 01, 2019, 05:02:30 AM
I do not know how some of you are so strong.

After the info kept coming in trough email updates on old social, I unsubsribed on all of them.

Enjoyed my holiday very much, but it was long enough so I was happy to get home as well.
During my holiday I noticed I felt bad about things about which I actually can do something.
So I told myself to dos so when home and I did. I made some appointments and am excited about it.

Next Tuesday I have an interview for another job (got a bit tired of the flexi job I am currently doing).
Excited as well.

And yet I notice he has been in my head.
Crazy much, like all the time. I’ve been crying a lot and miss him like crazy. I keep trying to tell myself it’s for the best. This emotional torture, I mean.. who does this to another person..

Friday my colleague who knows him told me she saw him and started telling me who he was with.
Perhaps to point out ow wasn’t there or something, I don’t know.
I managed not to engage and the conversation led to another topic.
She know I want no info. But reminding her seemed like a bigger effort then just letting the moment pass.

Now Today, when I am already very down, my mother mentioned she saw on his facebook he is on his way to visit a country we were planning to visit together last year. After everything I went alone back then.
I couldn’t help myself to ask with whom, but she said she didn’t see that.
I just answered her I didn’t know he was going and I walked away.

Just this little info that I don’t ask for.
It hurts so much.

When we were together he didn’t share these kind of things on social media.
Now the least bit exciting thing he does has to be shared online.

I don’t blame my colleague or my mom for telling me.
I keep acting like I’ve moved on, hoping by doing so I will.

But I guess it’s not working and I don’t know how to stop this.
I really don’t want to feel bothered by any of it anymore.
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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#37: September 01, 2019, 05:37:37 AM
You don't have to blame people but if it hurts, you need boundaries.
Which means being honest enough to say 'I don't want to hear these things and I need you to respect that'.
Sometimes you almost have to unsubscribe from bits of your relationships as well as unsubscribing from social media.
It's ok to say no. And if anyone thinks different, that is not your problem.
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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#38: September 03, 2019, 12:23:24 PM
Thanks Treasur, you are right.

I could just say, I’d rather not know.
But sometimes I guess I do want to know, In such a moment I forget the perspective I want to keep,  and want to try and understand his actions again. Like a flashback to the first months. Really, I had it again last weekend. I lost myself a bit. Was totally devastated by it all again. Sick it made me.
Couldn’t function, only sleep after taking painkillers for my migraine.

But to be honest, I am starting to learn that my migraines cause me to be emotional unstable and to lose grip of reality. I used to think events caused my migraine, but I realise my migraine causes events. As in: when the migraine is coming up, I make different decisions, I forget about self care, am agitated and sad. In the current situations with ex, it’s easy to spiral and find something to fixate on. Like sickly so.

BUT! After the migraine and a small cry with a friend, talking briefly about my pain. I was able to pick myself up again.
Got my grip back and can happily say my job interview went great and a very exciting opportunity is coming up. I can start working a small bakery and will even be left to keep the shop and kitchen open myself now an then. I felt we were talking on the same level. They liked my personality and want my input and skills. Even tough I am just a beginner.
Super grateful for the opportunity.


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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#39: September 03, 2019, 12:27:36 PM
There you go, girl!
We fall but what matters is that we get up. And each time we fall we learn so next time we don't fall so far or we get up quicker  :)

The bakery sounds like a fab opportunity....what made you want to do that? Had you done something similar before?
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Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#40: September 03, 2019, 12:45:19 PM
Thanks!

Yes, have been learning a lot of valuable life lessons lately.
Emotions pass, that’s one I keep in mind when feeling bad. Knowing I’ll feel better and stronger at some point. Helps getting myself together again.

It really is, didn’t expected it to be this perfect when I went for the interview.
Yes, have been baking and working with chocolate a few years on my own now.
And decided earlier this year to go for a job interview to work one day a week in a bakery. To my surprise they let me start, without experience. Turned out I did fine. But I don’t like going to that place. The social environment isn’t very attractive, I feel trapped there.

Saw this other announcement at a smaller bakery, of which I really like the cakes btw. Send my resume during my vacation and just had the interview. They immediately said they wanted me, but will officially confirm in the morning (had to discuss it with a partner). So I am a bit scared to celebrate fully, but they did say I could set my starting date in my agenda and I was hired.
The amazing thing is that they want me to be a part of it, their baking story. And I’ll learn so much.

As soon as I sign the contract I’ll quit my former flex bakery job as they are business rivals.

Like baking too Treasur? :)
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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#41: September 03, 2019, 03:55:58 PM
Used to but not done for a while...and not your level of skill I suspect  :)
That sounds like more than just a job opportunity but the chance to be part of something rather joyful for you...and we all need joy and cake at times right?
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« Last Edit: September 03, 2019, 03:57:54 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#42: September 04, 2019, 02:56:57 AM
It really is and we sure all do!
We are conditioned to like treats, it’s a reward, addictive. We link it to joy and hapiness.
But it’s also something that brings people together. And the chemistry and creative possibilities just are interesting.

The reason I am so thrilled Treasur, is because I have no real training. They even didn’t ask about the cakes I make at home. They want me, because I am passionate about it and up for the challenge. It makes me feel appreciated for who I am.
So the lesson here is whatever you are interested in: go for it, try it.
I am not the best in anything, but I am good in a lot of things. And have fun.


We all deserve so much better then to be treated like total crap.
And I believe we all know this on some level, but it’s hard to pull away from someone you care about, truly loved. Even when the relation becomes poisonous.

It’s why I am happy I can look back at the last 1,5 year and see pain on one side, it’s been hard. But a lot of Joy, love and growth on the other side as well.
That’s why I know I’ll be totally OK again one day. And some days, I already am.

Today another thing I started tackling.
I had been noticing my teeth were changing. It bothers me a lot from time to time. It has for years actually. But I thought maybe I was imagining it and I just want to be too perfect in my looks.
But the orthodontic agreed. I had orthodontic treatment when I was a teenager. But bad unconscious habits and natural movement from my teeth changed it again. So I’ll be wearing braces for 6 months again, as they offer a life guaranty, it won’t even be that expensive. I am up for it!

I hope I can stay on this positive track for a while!
All these life changing things do give me some feel good hormones.

Have a good day :)



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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#43: September 04, 2019, 04:05:28 AM
Whenever I baked in the past, it was for other people. There is something very nurturing about baking I think, something of love....maybe bc it is not an essential food but an extra. Idk.

Smart people to recruit for heart and passion. You can teach skills but you can't teach passion.

Well, I think you should share a couple of your favourite recipes!
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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#44: September 27, 2019, 12:54:44 PM
Haha Treasur, those recipes are top secret ofcourse  ;)

Well, life is crazy.
A few weeks ago, out of the blue, I am told they have to let me go at my current job. Due to budget cuts. I initially reacted very emotional. But got back on my feet quite fast and am proud to say I am handling it very professionally. I am taking a lot of benefits from this as well.
The hardest past is and will be leaving all these wonderful, sweet, colleagues behind. Although on the other hand my ego has been stroked so much the last few weeks! Apparently I am very liked and appreciated. People keep telling me I will be very missed. Feels nice..

I think the experience with my ex, kinda made this look like nothing. Something I can handle, been through worse.. not worth getting too upset about.

I am starting to feel a bit of stress as I’m not sure what to do next. But I think I need to give myself some time.

My LinkedIn tells me ex keeps checking my profile now and then (even though nothing changed on there for over 6 months) although I noticed he has set himself to private mode recently, so I can’t see it’s him anymore. Guess he finally realised how obvious his secret stalking behaviour is, hehe. Doesn’t bother me too much anymore. Does still make me wonder about the craziness of it all..
He did wish me a happy birthday recently, very clean and polite, which I appreciate, a day in advance. Whether he meant to be early or missed the date, I don’t know. My gut thinks he wanted me to comment on him being early. I guess I can’t know for sure. Still very weird considering the situation, but I do really appreciate it so I politely thanked him.

There is a LOT going on in my life right now.
New second job, stopping and saying goodbye to my main job, looking for something else, started evening lessons twice a week, getting some minor body insecurities fixed, family,..
Life sure doesn’t stand still anymore, THANK GOD.

Challenge for tomorrow: bake the softest Madelines ever, practice my lessons and relax a bit.

Have a good night/day, whatever time zone you are in :)
Keep your head up!

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#45: October 28, 2019, 02:21:32 PM
It’s been over a week since I worked my last day at the job I was fired at.
I think I handled it quite well. My colleagues arranged a whole series of pleasant surprises and it turned out to be a very busy week. I realised I use humor to get me through awkward situations. Although I wasn’t really feeling too sorry for losing the job. I was quite OK with the situation, compared to what happend with ex, this actually was something I could handle. (+ I got paid a nice amount as I got fired after working there for years) I felt awkward for my colleagues, my closest colleague cried and everyone kept acting so sad. Almost as if I was very sick or dying. I constantly made jokes, because I didn’t want them to cry or anything. They sure did make me feel appreciated and still do. I made a lot of friends there, funny enough, only after ex left me in that deep hole.

Talking about him. He is on my mind a lot. I try to tell myself I shouldn’t care anymore. Wonder why my heart still goes out to him.  How I can possibly be thinking we can ever work it out. This is who he is and I keep fooling myself by thinking he didn’t used to be this way.
I miss my funny close friend so terribly much, but was he really?
It’s still so confusing in my head when it comes to him.

He wished me a happy birthday a while ago, a day in advance. I politely thanked him.
Still checks my LinkedIn now and then. And he recently send me a facebook friend request. I didn’t react. It could mean a lot of different hurtful scenario’s, for me. No after all that happened. Just no. I really do deserve better than such a childish approach. So cowardly. He undid it a few hours later.

But I have to be honest here..I am not sure how I feel about this. A part of me wants him to leave me alone and move on. Another part of me yearns for more.
I kinda expected him taking those steps ever since he emailed me in June, with some excuse. The deblocking me on social media, the stalking on LinkedIn, the facebook friend request. Linking my families’s pictures on facebook. It’s all so stupid I know. But last year he hated my very guts.
‘I made him feel terrible’
and now it feels like he keeps silently pulling me sleeve, saying he is still out there somewhere. And I feel there will be more of this, him carefully stepping out of the shadows. i think he’ll keep this up and add more, small steps at a time. Waiting a while and then do something else. But I don’t know his motive until he straight out tells me, so unless he does that. I try to keep ignoring him and tell myself to move on. I try to stop thinking he’ll take more action, because it is making me feel desperate and it’s making me feel less then what I’m worth.

Back to the macarons, taking some time off, jobcoaching, playing the piano and enjoying my friends and family.


Have a good night.

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Re: Quarter Life Crisi
#46: November 08, 2019, 05:00:50 AM
My gut feeling turned out to be right on the fact that he has been checking out my profile a lot lately. Sometimes multiple times in a day.
I am struggling with it. It’s hard not to start monkey braining again.
I feel like I am partially allowed to enjoy that he seems to be thinking about me, after everything.. But it’s a thin line between enjoying it and letting myself get too much hope. I don’t want to be stupid and hang onto his very action.
So after a few days of monkey braining I am trying to distract myself. Not looking at my phone. Because, really, what good does it bring..
I know now he wonders about me and it takes a bit off of the sharp edge that comes with being left like that. but it doesn’t matter how many times or when. As long as he doesn’t step up, it’s quite empty and he is still a jerk to me.

Not having a job at the moment takes away a mandatory distraction.
I feel very free and enjoy my time off a lot. I have time and space to figure out the direction I want to take career wise.
Be with my family and friends, enjoying my process in the piano lessons.
So I try to welcome every distraction, keep taking care of myself and give myself time.
I do feel I am more able to be assertive and go for what I want or what I believe in. I did this before, but less.
I’ve grown very much in that aspect, this past year.
In retrospect, it’s crazy what the effect has been on me as a person, I feel very different. Hurting.. but stronger and I am relieved that I still have a lot of love for others. It’s like almost all my love went to him before and now everyone gets a part of it. I ended up with a lot more friends.
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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#47: December 04, 2019, 07:20:24 AM
Hi all, hope your are doing OK.

I’ve been having a lot of, very small, touch and go’s. I see them as such as it is him initiating these.
It’’s mostly a bit of ‘stalking’ through social media.

As I‘ve noticed these were increasing over time, I started to expect him to take a bigger step. So to speak.
And he did contact me a few days ago.
For the first time since the last time we saw each other, over a year ago, he asked how I am doing.
Followed by asking me for help on something. He asked for related info earlier this year, on which I replied I couldn’t help him.

I have very different feelings about this.

For one part, I feel mad. How can a person, after everything, think it is OK to ask for a favour. To ask me after leaving me for someone else, treating me like $h!te. Still thinks I would fix anything for him. He strongly emphasises that he is sorry to bother me with this but he is stuck with the problem and doesn’t know what else to do, which is why he contacts me. Like really?!

The other part of me thinks it’s bull$h!te. I think his story is valid though. But I think he saw his change to use this as an excuse to contact me.
Just as earlier this year, he used kind of the same excuse. I could’ve helped him out, but realised back then that he can figure it out himself.. And I think the same goes here. I am not the last resort for fixing his issue. If i were in his shoes, I know I could fix it without needing to contact me.

So i decided to answer him (later that day). Politely and following his lead. The problem is related to the stuff I inherited from my grandmother he has in his garage. So i took his taking contact for my advantage and asked whether he still has it.

I was doubting about what would make me feel better about myself. Being the bigger person and give him something that will solve his issue, with the change I feel taken advantage off.
Or trusting my gut feeling that his reason is an excuse and only continue contact when it’s not just because he’s in need. Something that could prove I have learned to stand up for myself. (prove it to me). That’s what I am going for at the moment.

It’s a bit annoying that I can’t go in to much detail here. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that.
For now I feel proud for not just giving in and I have thought about my own needs and acted on those first.

This thing kinda made me think of him like a complete douchebag and idiot.

I wanted to post this here, because I hope to find some understanding souls.









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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#48: December 04, 2019, 07:26:15 AM
Ah yes, the good old "I don't want you in my life unless you can do something for me..."

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#49: December 04, 2019, 12:08:39 PM
Thanks for your reply Ursa.

I don’t feel that’s whats going on though.
I’ve told him before ( earlier this year) I couldn’t help him to find the info he is now looking for again.

Either he is really sure I have that information and I appear to be the easiest way to obtain it, which makes no sense, because I can think of numerous other ways. Or it’s the only excuse he can think of and due to current events, saw to use that one again.

I think he thinks I want him to leave me alone and using an excuse is the only way to well, have an excuse, to contact me. Which is why he emphases on the ‘I don’t know what else to do’ part. He’s saying things like: I know I shouldn’t bother you, or, I am so sorry to bother you with this. While all I need him to do is step forward and take credit for his actions and the inflicted pain. I think he’s stuck.
At least that what my gut is telling me. And I am not sure what that means either. If this is the only way he knows to break the ice he created, well I give him a chance. Because I want to know. But this time I will stay close to myself. I truly owe him nothing.


I guess I’ll see whether he tries to stay in contact or not.
I’m just answering straight forward and polite and only do what I’m comfortable with.
Perhaps I can ‘use’ his sudden kindness to get my belongings back. If that doesn’t happen, that’s fine too. I kind off made peace with never seeing those again.
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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#50: December 05, 2019, 03:42:06 AM
Thanks for your reply Ursa.

I don’t feel that’s whats going on though.
I’ve told him before ( earlier this year) I couldn’t help him to find the info he is now looking for again.

Either he is really sure I have that information and I appear to be the easiest way to obtain it, which makes no sense, because I can think of numerous other ways. Or it’s the only excuse he can think of and due to current events, saw to use that one again.

Or, one other possible scenario -

He has forgotten that he has already asked you before (forgetfulness is NOT uncommon among Mid-Lifers...) and he's come full circle back to you for help because he simply doesn't remember that he has asked you already and been shot down...

Regardless,
Quote from: Essential
I guess I’ll see whether he tries to stay in contact or not.
I’m just answering straight forward and polite and only do what I’m comfortable with.
is the way to go...
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#51: December 10, 2019, 04:28:33 AM
Yes, I find this really challenging. Who am I in all of this? I’ve never had to deal with being treated the way I have been and am learning how I deal with this.

Btw he mentioned he knew he asked before, his timing was off, but he sure knew.

I’ve decided to always be friendly (hard enough thing to do when you feel mistreated) but not help out someone who seems to only care about himself.

He answered he’d look for my grandmothers stuff and let me know.
I then also said I’d check if I could something for his matter as well.

I never got an update on the material, so I didn’t feel like responding on his problem. Not out of hatred, but I refuse to be manipulated into helping or for me to contact him. He needed me, so it’s up to him.

Later I received the question whether I have an update for him. Nothing about me, or my stuff. So my first draft was quite cold.
It would feel good to send it like that, but only for a moment. I’d feel bad that he had managed to lure my anger out again.
So back to my own rules. Gonna wait a bit and then answer answer politely that I didn’t find anything and whether he had the change to check as well. And that I hope he can find a solution to his problem.

I think I’ll feel best with that on the long run.


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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#52: December 14, 2019, 04:41:39 AM
I ended up just telling that I couldn’t help him and that I hoped it would get sorted out.
He replied that’s ok, because he just had found the info he needed.
Then he started about my stuff and suggested I’d come over to look for it or describe what he should be looking for.

This confirmed to me it’s all an excuse.
I politely declined the coming over and described the items and thanked him for the effort.

If an outsider saw those emails, they’d just think: what a nice polite conversation.
I am very glad I trusted my guts here and continued to be strong and think about myself on the long run.
I have been tempted to get angry or tell him off. But again. I’d feel bad about that fast. I don’t want to get sucked in again. That has made me feel awful in the past.
Now nothing really changes and I sleep just as good at night.

 I’d like contact, but within certain boundaries and if it continuous, the excuses need to stop at some point too. i’d need honesty. But for now, I get he would need them. And I try to see him as the scared wounded animal, I feel I want to give him a change to approach slowly and feel like it’s not the time to set a boundary or throw a truth dart. He’d just start spewing again and fall back on the excuse he used for contacting me.
I am not engaging or taking initiative based on these excuses, so without getting real the contact will fade out. So it’s up to him.

My gut feeling might be totally off, but I try to trust myself and follow it. Thinking about my needs, try to take care of my past, present and future self.

It’s not on my mind all the time, but I only talk about it with my best friends, who I won’t be seeing for another week. So I like to vent here.
This is the most contact we’ve been in since I told him I couldn’t anymore with his spewing, over a year ago, handling this is new to me.
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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#53: December 29, 2019, 05:54:07 AM
It’s been a few weeks and haven’t heard anything.
Could’ve figured 🤷‍♀️

I am still proud of the fact that I stayed away from any new drama chapters that were waiting around the corner of the communication.
I stayed cool. Compared to over a year ago, that is a mayor accomplishment.

Somehow he started showing in my contacts when he was online. No idea how he managed to do that and whether it was intentional. But it made for some very unhealthy monkey braining. So about a week ago I swiped up my strength and changed my settings so I can’t be seen as online myself, which makes I can’t see it from him either.
It made me feel watched every time I used the app. it made me feel connected in a fake way. Which hurt.

Met up with a friend Yesterday and had the feeling I had to explain myself.
She was understanding, as always, but didn’t quite get why I’d ever want to be with him again or even be in contact. As he can’t undo what he did.
I said I don’t know whether I want that or not.
And I totally get what she is saying, I’d have said it myself if it was the other way around and I had never been through it.
And it’s partly my own doing, I act like I am OK. It’s what keeps me going. I don’t want any pity or it to be the subject all the time.
She doesn’t know, nobody around me knows how it’s still playing in my head. How it feels like my best friend died and I mourn for that every day.

I think she is a good friend, she wants me to be safe and happy. He must sound like an @$$hole to her and she knows how hurt I’ve been.
I know she’d try to understand if I would go into the depths of it.
But it’s so deep, I can’t even start anymore.
How do you ever explain to someone you believe he is acting out of his mind and character and you still care about that person you made an emotional commitment with even when you yourself don’t know what that love or the future entails?
I know I can’t explain, and don’t want to try. It takes to much energy and feels as defending myself. I’d hate if the whole meet up would be about me trying to explain. makes me feel crazy and that I’m making it all up.
I don’t want to drive myself insane with trying to make someone understand my thoughts and feelings.

It’s all part of the process I guess!
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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#54: December 29, 2019, 11:11:19 AM
Essential:

Attaching and not surprised that you didn't hear anything during the ensuing weeks.

As for your friend...
My best friend hates my H and would be appalled if we were to ever reconnect/reconcile.
But she knows where I stand, and accepts that, even if she doesn't agree.
It's your choice.
No explanations needed.
You know your heart, and you know how you're guided.
That could change at anytime, but for now, rest in that peace.

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Re: Quarter Life Crisi
#55: December 30, 2019, 02:38:57 PM
Seahorse,

It’s hard to keep a clear head. Or better, just try to be in peace with the here and now.
Your answer reminded me and gave me peace again. A text online from a stranger can apparently do that. Thank you.

I read your latest tread and could relate to the always hoping for something and more but that one stuck.
As I dom’t speak of that, it feels like a deep secret.

Earlier when I was getting my niece and nephew ready to go on a small trip my mother looked surprised and told me; ‘ex’s name’ is calling me.
She picked up and I just asked her not to show me to him. Turned out to be a pocket dial as she could only see a black screen (facetime) and hear some distant kitchen cluttering and voices. Not thinking about it too much really. Although it is very weird that a random pocket dial would result in facetiming my mother. Who he hasn’t facetimed, ever I think, and if so, at least a year ago. But this being on purpose would be even weirder. So I’ve listed it as random.

Well, it ended up in a conversation between me and my mom.
I was just thinking about this Yesterday. She doesn’t speak of him much, I think she knows I’m still hurt. But there is this unspoken understanding.
I know she knows I still care and I actually think she’d be totally supportive, whatever happens.
I started the conversation while in the car, told her that he has been watching me online and how I feel he uses excuses to contact me. Haven’t spoken of this with her yet. The call and other circumstances ended up to be the right time for me.

She just listened. Said she finds it all very weird. Also his relation to this girl. She thinks his actions are because they might have broken up. And she never though that relationship could ever last. She didn’t say it to comfort me, I wasn’t acting sad or crying, or showing a lot of emotion really. Didn’t mention ow myself. I said I didn’t want to know. Or at least it be better if I didn’t know anything about his current life.

She wondered why I didn’t give him the info he needed to fix his garage problem. But when I told her I had my pride and don’t want to feel used again. She just was there. That was nice. No judgement. Not towards me nor him.
I know she really liked him when we were together. She also remembered his birthday is coming up.
I really appreciate her being so cool about it. I know she waited for me to talk about it for a long time and I know she’ll keep this to herself and not engage in any way. Very grateful.
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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#56: January 11, 2020, 08:17:40 AM
Two steps back, one step forward.
I snooped again!
Did it within boundaries though. I could’ve gone further.
His family is on my facebook, but I don’t follow their posts. To protect myself from suddenly seeing info that I don’t want to see randomly.
Not sure why I went to look for pictures. I think the biggest catalyst was that he had said it was nice to hear from me and it freaked me out.
What are his intentions?

The aftermath of my snooping-fallback seems to be allright all in all.
He celebrated Christmas with his family as we used to do.
It was weird to see. He looked so different. Vulnerable, scared, tired. That exaggerated fake smile, it looks so painful. My view is bias, but I know him. I trust and follow my gut.
I’ve told a good friend how I feel. This was the first time I spoke about my current standing and didn’t go and explain away. Just said this is what I currently feel and I am following that. That grinned smile tells me again he is in crisis and I want to give him time to sort himself out. Mind you, might be thinking he can go screw himself in about an hour again.

I wasn’t sure to reply his message or not as he didn’t ask a question. I did after my snooping session. I am not feeling very sure about that. But I only said he was very welcome and asked whether he had the chance to have a look for my stuff (as he said he would about a month ago) . Again no finger pointing, no relationship chat. Nothin since then. Been almost a week. Was to be expected.
I felt like he took a risk with saying he was happy to hear from me, guess I wanted to give him at least a reply so he knew that was ok. I knew the risk was I’d get no reply. Need to stop waiting for it now.
No one knows what is going on in his head.



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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#57: January 12, 2020, 03:10:29 PM
Thinking about it and want to get it off my chest.
Somewhere in the first months after BD I referred to the previously shared garage and house as: Your garage and my house. As he was storing his stuff in the garage (and it was rented in his name) and I was living and keeping my stuff in the house. It freaked him out back then. I guess hearing the separation like that wasn’t fun. I remember he also freaked out when I told him my plan to buy a house and make a trip. He claimed that those were his ideas and his two cents of our relationship. Does that matter when you’ve left me 5 months before? Also about anyone makes those plans.

I guess I am constantly thinking and rethinking myself and what I want. Thinking about what this crisis is, going over said things, I know it is part of giving it a place. There are hundreds of things to place and leave behind me.

When he emailed me about his garage he referred to it as ‘the garage’. And so did I as I was so carefully weighing my words, not to upset him. You know after he contacted me. Finally.
But I wasn’t weighing my words in my last email and sad; ‘your garage’ and ‘with you’.
Can’t be sure, might be why he isn’t reacting anymore. I just think I am not willing to weigh every word. The pictures and this silent treatment he has me on again shows me he is not what I need right now.
A year ago I was praying for a sign that I am not truly forgotten. I don’t think I am. I should try to find peace with that and keep the day-by-day advice close to heart.

Am about ready to start a new job and other challenges, trying to stay calm and practice self care. Find peace of mind as much as I possibly can.
Keep calm, keep calm.
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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#58: January 12, 2020, 07:08:42 PM
Hello,

Quote
The pictures and this silent treatment he has me on again shows me he is not what I need right now.

No, he is not and you need to let him wallow in the mess he made. You continue to work on your and your life. Congratulations on the new job. Have you saved and got the new house?

For years, I rethought, and reviewed all my actions and interactions with my spouse. Was there the one thing I did wrong during the crisis that had I done differently would have changed our course? However, I eventually realized I was playing the shell game with my ex and no matter what I said or did, I would have never picked the right cup. She rigged the game.

Your H's actions and feelings are his and he will need to account for them at some time. You can only kick the can down the road so far. While he exists, you live and thrive because you didn't cheat and you didn't break the covenant. He did.

I think you are doing quite well and standing is not about being still, it is about moving forward.

Quote
No one knows what is going on in his head.

Exactly and that is why you need to detach and live your life the best you can.

(((Hugs)))

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#59: January 15, 2020, 11:22:04 AM
Thanks so much for your reply!
I know, need to keep my head straight.
I totally know I can’t do anything that will make him get through this, just need to act on it too. I got the sense that he wanted to make me feel appreciated and I wanted to do the same. I kinda wish I didn’t as I realise this is what they do during a check and go. But hey 🤷‍♀️ Feelings come and go. And I am trying to give it as little thought as possible. Did nothing wrong.

Letting go has different stages as well. That’s what I am learning here.
It’s almost like I am still partially enticed, whenever he checks up on me I am reassured. When he pulls back and is totally quiet I go through a whole process again. It’s like its to keep me here.
Luckily I can say I do see progress in my detachment. For a long time I wasn’t able to look at pictures from the past and now I can. Sure they bring out emotion, but it doesn’t knock me off of my feet anymore.
I had the same thing with seeing a car like his, a girl like ow or someone with his silhouette. It is still there, but definitely less then before.
It’s even come so far that when I see a picture of him from before, I kinda feel like he is such a screw up.

 I notice changes in myself in pictures as I look happy, healthy and confident.

I always figured him contacting me would be the beginning of the end. And it’s not, just a part of it all. Realising this does help me to step away. It’s too heavy to keep doing. Dealing with it in contact is something new.

No new job or house yet! But for the first time since months I felt the motivation to go for a job. And handed in my resume Today.
Lots of candidates, but I am very fit for the function and have strong recommendations. Spend all evening and day on a strong resume, haven’t focussed this long on something since moths ago.
Since losing my previous job I haven’t been able to save up as fast and the welfare system seems to be made to make you struggle and go to their office a few times before you see any financial support. Going by in the morning and that should be fixed.
Looking forward to own my own home, hopefully I can achieve that this year. I am financially getting close!



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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#60: January 21, 2020, 11:15:26 AM
Oh my! I actually got invited for an interview for the job! Next week and got a bunch of ways to prepare myself thanks to my outplacement guide.
She thinks I’d be a good fit for the company, just depends of I will be the best fit out of their current selection. Can’t be anything but myself. But excited! I truly think they do interesting things and I’d like to contribute.
Having made a good resume and motivation makes me feel empowered. I achieved something for myself.

I’ve also had my first test in music theory and I feel, minus some things here and there, it went just fine.
Next week I have to perform two short piano pieces to other students. On a big expensive piano on a stage. Hope I pass the test in staying focused and not freak out!

Ex has answered me about my stuff at his garage.
Excused himself for the late reply, said it was because he had a problem with his back.
He didn’t find my things and discovered a lot more was stolen than he initially thought.
He said: including things that reminded him of the last nine years. (That’s how long we’ve been together.)
And he said that it is sad having to lose memories in such a way.

Thanks to all the advice and my growth I was friendly, empathic and calm. Thanked him for the effort and said I was sorry for his loss and wished him well on his back.
1,5 years ago I would’ve gotten so angry and frustrated with him saying something like that.
Btw, we have been separated for almost 2 years now. I guess time did stand still for him.  ::)
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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#61: January 22, 2020, 02:39:44 AM
THAT is some VERY good news regarding the Interview! I hope that it goes well and, if that is the position that you want, that you get it!

One less thing to worry about, right?

And, once you have done the Interview, even if the end result is NOT a job offer, you will have gone through the process once and know what to expect for the next time...
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#62: February 01, 2020, 01:47:31 PM
Haven’t heard much from ex. Except for his checking my online profile.

Had quite the week.

Piano recital in front of a small modest crowd. But for the first time, it was scary.
I chose easy pieces as I had no idea what the nerves would effect.
I think I played the pieces well, but I can’t really remember. Haha, I went into some kind of panic stage and just wanted to get through and get it over with. But stepping on that stage is big on itself.
A little after I had to sing for my teacher, to check whether I could read ritmes and sing the right notes. It went well, wasn’t even nervous for that!
So I can continue the rest of these music courses with a little bit more confidence. Very happy to be exploring this.

Did the job interview, and left it with mixed feelings.
The interview was not a standard HR interview. He really went into more personal questions as: what was your youth like. What is your family like.
Very little about the job actually. The content of the job seemed different then what was described online.
 took his time, but no idea if he will make a job proposal.
I felt very tired after the interview and got a strange gut feeling about the place. He wanted to make sure I was emotionally strong enough for the job. Not completely weird in itself, but combined with the rest of the interview experience It felt like a red flag to me. But I only got to speak with him.

Immediately after I send in my resume to a different company. The next day I had an interview on the phone.
It felt very professional. Real HR questions and more familiar.
I know someone who works there and she actually recommended it to me.
If they see me as a good fit I can go introduce myself and see whether I see myself working for them as well.
We’ll see!

Just spend the whole day baking a cake for my niece, who turned 5!
A rainbow cake, naturally, lot’s of colour and sprinkles.
Small party tomorrow, I got her a bike. Her first bike with pedals and no training wheels.
I know she’ll be thrilled. She’s great.
Looking forward!

Have a good night!

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#63: February 21, 2020, 11:20:23 AM
Short update time! I don’t visit a lot anymore, even got logged out.

Got the first job, negotiated a while for the pay and started already. I think it will be heavy, but I might be fit for it.
I can only try.

Communication with ex is not just via email anymore. His initiative.
He is very apologetic and spoke about not being able to distinct his feelings or rational thoughts.


Now to enjoy some well deserved uncontrolled eating and staring at my Ipad.

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#64: February 25, 2020, 05:51:37 AM
Congratulations on the new job!

I'm sure it will go well once you get your feet under you and get situated...
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Quarter Life Crisis
#65: February 26, 2020, 11:23:30 AM
Thanks Ursa!

I’ve been told the first weeks always feel like a lot and i”ll get used to it. So I’m counting on that haha.
Trying to take it day by day and be myself.😅

Can’t believe this happened, but ran into ex. Didn’t see him since 2018.
It was a spontaneous thing. Saw someone walking, realised it was him, stopped and said hi.
We talked, for a while, not sure for how long. How we are, what we are doing, about jobs, house.
Told me where he has been living and his new living plans (not with ow), further away actually.

He has been living very close to ow apparently and was going to get some grocery’s around that area too.
Weird thing is, I pass by that area all the time, never ran into each other.
But hey, if he is still lying, that’s more his problem then mine.

I could honestly answer him and say I am doing good.
We both said it was good to see each other during the conversation. Didn’t pay attention to it, but realise I didn’t notice that cold stare in his eyes.
He was actually listening to what I was saying and the conversation kept going, I said I’d leave him to do his grocery’s several times and we spontaneously kept talking. Just said bye no strings, no see you later or all the best.
It was pleasant, but also very weird at the same time. A stranger I used to know very well.

It is what it was. I’m not going to take any initiative, I do feel if he wants to talk more, it still is up to him.
I could’ve kept going but stopped to say hi, that and the fact that I am always nice to him is enough from my side. I’ve shown he can approach me and nothing bad will happen.

🖐

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Quarter Life Crisis
#66: March 03, 2020, 10:52:04 AM
Burgh was sick Today and didn’t want to give in so stayed at work. Why?!

Even though ex has showed no sign of life since us talking irl since so long, I feel this urge to contact him. I won’t, because of many reasons. But it’s a struggle.
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Quarter Life Crisis
#67: March 04, 2020, 01:39:12 PM
So I did anyways. It’s being ignored and I feel stupid.

How is it that when I saw him i felt: meh, afterwards.
Was thinking he’s not even that handsome, smart, talented or kind, I can move on.

And here I am obsessing again.

Trying to forgive myself, it’s completely normal after the trauma and seeing him after forever. Plus I am tired from my new work routine. It’s not even necessarily him that makes me feel this way.

I’m tired, sick and feel a bit lonely :( remembering it will pass too.

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#68: March 04, 2020, 02:15:11 PM
Quote
I’m tired, sick and feel a bit lonely :( remembering it will pass too.

Forgive yourself.  :) Being a bit under the weather and the loneliness does make us ruminate more. Normal human stuff. Everyday is a new start.
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#69: March 08, 2020, 09:23:31 AM
Thanks Ready@Transform,

 those moments do suck. Being tired and going over all worst case scenarios. Glad those are less then before.

I realise he probably isn’t ignoring me, but has put our messages thread in a separate inbox, whole explanation.. I am quite sure as my message didn’t arrive. Could still be he saw it and didn’t accept. But I can’t know why or what. Is he ashamed, does he need to hide..

I guess it’s tiring on one hand, since July 2018 i know to expect him poking me now and then. On the other hand it is comforting, as in: ah I knew he couldn’t just forget me like that.
Every time I go through this cycle of first  being relieved then anxious for more, to forgetting about it and then he pokes me and I go through all of it again. Mind you, it is less intense each time.
But seeing him plus him reaching out to say he is confused.. it sure got me to go through it all again. Dreams, monkey braining, missing him, hating him..

I guess I am coming to a new stage in this, one I didn’t expect as much. I figured him reaching out would be the end of it..
But he is still in his crisis, I really need to remember that, it’s different but that doesn’t really change anything.  I need to stay calm and focused on myself.
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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#70: March 09, 2020, 05:07:38 AM
But he is still in his crisis, I really need to remember that, it’s different but that doesn’t really change anything.  I need to stay calm and focused on myself.

Yes, he is, yes, you do, no, it doesn't, and yes, you do....

But you knew that...
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Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
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#71: March 23, 2020, 05:43:20 AM
First week of quarantine is behind us here.
Started my new job mid February. The colleague who was supposed to show me around fell ill.
So someone else was going to guide me. But he is quite passive in this, I had to be very assertive to get an overview of the company and what I was supposed to be doing. The sick colleague came over especially to give me some overview, which helped a lot.
But she’s not back yet and the currently guiding colleague is also not used to working from a distance. Which requires patience and adapting from my side.

That’s one of my current stress factors.
The other one is the working from home part.
The whole reason why I took a full time job is to get out of here as soon as possible and be on my own two feet again. My own place.
I am very grateful for what my mom does for me. Absolutely. But it’s not easy living back home after years living on my own.
Although I know why I choose this, to save up, I sometimes feel stuck. Not moving forward. Pathetic even.
Going working, seeing people, taking courses, working on my body issues. That’s what gave me confidence and distraction.

After having had a cold and possible lung infection, the doctor obligated me to stay home for 7 days. Not allowed to work and absolutely have to rest to build up my immune system. And to be honest I feel sad all the time. I miss friends, family, people, distraction. I am bored and very lonely. It makes me think about ex non stop.
I really had a hard time seeing how I’d get trough this and got literally really sick from it.

I’m trying to keep my head up, everyone is having a hard time with this. As long as we’re all healthy it’ll be OK. My grandparents have self quarantined so I’m glad they are currently save. But I’m back to trying to get through the next few hours and hoping I’ll be able to see some positives again soon. I know it’s in my own hands but I’m struggling. I think the uncertainty of how long this whole mess will take is weighing me down. I just can’t see me doing this for months.
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#72: March 24, 2020, 02:09:46 PM
Hate to feel like I am complaining, but I am going trough a whole new something here.
My routine, which was my lifeguard is gone. I know I have to rebuild a new one again, but I’m struggling to find one.

It ends up making me confused. Can’t see what’s what anymore.I reached out to him again. Why? I feel socially so detached. I’m lonely and in my head.
I feel the need to ask people how they are coping and everyone is so thankful for me asking and they are all nice. With him saying he yearned for contact sometimes (but claims he knows it’s wrong etc.) made me think: why not? Can’t miss him more then I do and I’m only being myself when doing this. It’s harder for me not to do it. Rising above all he did to me and be considering. But that’s the whole trap of touch and go’s right? Coming closer, feeling the waters, and pulling me all back in again.

I am so absolutely done with this yet I am feeling uneasy.
Thought about blocking him to get some air from hoping he will or will not answer. But I feel that’s an emotional action and i’ll undo it again and he’ll notice it bothers me.
Went on a dating app, nothing for me to be honest.

But the idea of no real life social distraction, in who knows how long, really puts me down.
I am back to crying every day.
I need to find a new way to cope and handle my emotions.
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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#73: March 24, 2020, 04:19:00 PM
I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling down Essential.  Big hug.

I've read your last two posts and it sounds like you've got a lot of new things on, and you're trying really hard. I get that - I'm big on trying too. And also big on falling flat on my face, with nothing to show for my efforts. And then lying there having a screaming fit until I HAVE to get up. and try again.

It sounds like you're exhausted.

I've been unwell the last week - flu - lots of not feeling strong, feeling tired, not myself, and definitely not happy about it. Nobody here to look after me and having to fake energy for my little one. The way I comfort myself is really basic - something like a hot shower (love it), early bedtimes, and cheesecake. A lot of cheesecake.  I'm sure those more well versed in the arts of self-care will be along with better suggestions.

You've been trying really hard to get life kick-started, I get that, I feel the same way too, but feeling like you're not making progress. I hope I've understood it correctly - snot impairs my understanding sometimes. Until you're physically recovered, just stop trying for a while. Let yourself lie down and rest. 

Things will only not get better when we give up. You're not giving up by stopping with the trying now. You're just taking a break. You're in between acts. This is your breathing space. When you are physically better, you will be able to pick yourself up in all areas of your life again.
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#74: April 01, 2020, 01:28:37 PM
CheerHeart,

Thank you for your kind words. Could very much use them.
Are you feeling better?

It had been a lot and especially a lot of change and stress. I never quite realise the pressure that I experience until it becomes too much.
I keep going and forget about self care too. It ends up in me not healing from my cold and many headaches.
When the doctor tells me to rest and not work, I think: well I am resting. I haven’t been out of the house for weeks. But obviously mental rest is a thing too and I am not always sure how to take that rest. Things are sub-consciously brewing all the time with everything that’s going on.

Last Tuesday I reached a limit. Luckily I was able to take a step back on Wednesday.
I told myself to take a break from life and just enjoy that hot shower and fresh bedsheets and small things like that.
Or just the fact that I am headache free and I should take notice of that comfort ;)

The next day ex replied.
We’ve had some back and forward emailing. He’s polite, asks questions. Tells me to take care of myself. That he takes the quarantine very seriously. And it’s not too hard on him as he has been able to practice staying indoors a lot over the last few years. (he really said that) That it was nice to see me. How is my mother. Where am I living now,..
It always takes him two days to answer, which didn’t bother me much at the time. I had a few busy days :) and actually took a while myself to get back to him.

I am still confused about it. He seems to have two sides at the moment. If that makes sense?
More of his old self then I’ve seen in 2 years BUT far from his old self. He dissapears an reappears every so often.
Touch and go’s? Probably.

I am proud that I don’t push, no relation talk, ow is non existent in our contact, I don’t answer something I am not comfortable with him knowing.
And most of all! Ever since he emailed me the first time a year ago, he had some problem which I found easy fixable. Every time I have that urge to just help him.
And I didn’t! This weekend again, he brought up an issue he was having and nope. More then a good luck, that sucks, or something in the like, is he not getting from me. I am not sure whether he is aware of it himself. But I am. I AM a fixer, I do it for a living, I can’t stand people being in trouble or messing something up when I find it an easy and quick fix. And I’ve always done it for him.
When we met, he didn’t have his high school diploma. And he could be so down from anything that seemed like an obstacle. I did anything to help him. Write essays, come up with projects. He has a Master’s now. He actually left just when he did. Imagine how used I felt. Mind you: he loved my help most of the time, we had a lot of fun with it too. Some fights as well.
So I realised it is a big deal for me to let him deal with his own setbacks. I think this is something I need to take with me in any new relationship.
It’s ridiculously hard for me, not to offer solutions or get to the root of a problem to find a solution when I feel it could take away the stress that someone I care for is experiencing. I get stress from seeing someone stress. And I want it to go away.

As we have been together since he was 20, it’s no surprise he never learned to deal with setbacks himself. He got so frustrated and sad over any little problem he could encounter.
After BD he actually said: ‘now everything seems to come so easy and I am not so frustrated over setbacks or obstacles. I just think and fix it.’
Which hurt me a lot, because I would’ve done a lot for him not to worry so much about easy to fix things and always told him it’s not as bad as it seems if he just took a moment to look at it.
And suddenly I had been the reason all along.
Ofcourse I realise that was a quote from him in replay.

It has been two years Today since BD. So forgive me for my rant.
Can’t believe it still strikes me this hard. And I process it again and again and more and different.
Although ofcourse it does. It’s a lot to process.
And it’s true what I have been reading here, I knew a was a patient person.  But my, this is testing my every nerve.

Glad I got through the day and happy to leave it behind me again.

Take care and stay home!
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#75: April 23, 2020, 01:27:04 PM
Have been mailing back forward. At one point it took him 2,5 weeks to answer.
I thought the conversation anded somewhat, didn’t ask questions myself, so I left it at that.
He started to check my LinkedIn again after 2 weeks.
Not much later I received an email on a morning saying he somehow had mist my last answer. He asked a bunch of questions.
I replied late at night, answered his questions, asked an open question myself.

And it has been a week since then.

Had an itch Today and thought I’d risk sending him a Whatsapp, saying I had answered his email, but there might be something wrong with the email tread. The message didn’t arrive, although I am not blocked.
Later I googled what could be happening and some website advised to check whether his phone number is in the right format. i clicked his number and it started calling him  :o I immediately stopped it, but I’m thinking it didn’t reach him and even it if would have, my number’s probably blocked anyways  ::)

Hope I can leave it this way.
If he truly cares, he can check his email properly.
If he’s not lying.. Seems it might be that he is in contact whenever he feels the need for some kind of confirmation that I’m here and gets anxious when some more time goes by.
But I don’t know, it’s hard not to know whether I’m being overly suspicious and he’s just a goof, or whether I’m being used.
So I’m backing off again.

At my new job.
I am at the office a lot, very often only with my boss.
Sadly I overheard him on a phone call. Out of the blue news for me.
He said he is having a marriage crisis, is in love with someone else and that pull and attraction is so overwhelming.
That he is so many years old (you can guess) and he feels everyone around him is living life on auto pilot.
They don’t see how amazing life is. It’s like he’s only seeing it. No one seems to have such deep feelings.

I was just: Staring. At . My. Screen.
Thinking: No way. No way, no way.

He is a mess, living at the office.
Wearing the same clothes all the time.
Escaping in work.

I scraped all my guts together and told him I overheard and knew he was going through a rough time.
And he can talk to me if he needs to.
He’s been super nice to me ever since

But am torn. I see how he is not well. But am disgusted when I think about the people he is hurting.
How I am hurt.
Kinda wanted to scream and say: get your act together.
But we all know that’s not going to work.




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#76: May 05, 2020, 01:09:27 PM
I’m posting a lot, even tough I keep telling myself I won’t anymore.

I’ve managed to actually feel happy again, even though the covid outbreak I have a life and routine that keeps me busy.
Yet Today my head is spinning again.
Stupid me keeps watching his social media. We are not connected, but he started posting publicly. At first I thought it was for my benefit.
I am considering whether blocking him or removing my social media are an option with which I’d feel better in the long run.
As me seeing ow’s presence and her family’s as well was enough to get me down.
It’s a relieve that she’s not in contact with his family on social media. I know they mourned our relationship too.
But I guess that could still happen as time goed by.

It’s confusing.
Quite sure he was visiting ow the afternoon we ran into each other. As his story made no sense. I didn’t want to care. But now my heads going there again.
Crazy that he still needs to lie, even tough he knows I know they got together 2 years ago and probably still are now.

We’ve kept emailing, but he kept me waiting too often for too long. And it was mostly small talk.
I refuse to bring up the elephant in the room and take the chance of getting scold at again.
Decided it wasn’t enough for me.
I kindly re-explained why I couldn’t except his social media invitation: it came out of thin air, hadn’t seen and barely heard him in over a year and I had no idea about his intentions.
And said it had been nice to hear from him and I’m happy he is doing well.

I plan to keep it at that.
I just wish I didn’t care anymore.
I am very much mourning the person I knew and loved.
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#77: May 06, 2020, 04:39:23 AM
I am very much mourning the person I knew and loved.

This makes sense ... The problem is is that he is NOT that person anymore.... He is some alien bug in an Edgar suit that looks like the one your knew but has the insides of someone that you really wouldn't want to have any connection to....
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Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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#78: May 06, 2020, 11:09:47 AM
Thanks Ursa,

I do believe he isn’t who I cared for.
I see it too. His looks, his behaviour..
It’s so uncanny.

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#79: June 06, 2020, 02:37:07 PM
Last weekend was crazy!
Because of getting myself a full time job, my savings are raising faster then ever.
Which made me reach my goal of having saved the minimum I wanted to, to buy a house for myself (and my cat ;) ).

A few days before the weekend a new listing popped up. Good neighbourhood, not too big or small and green surroundings.
On top of that the asking price was really low for the area. Which meant I had budget left to actually renovate to my taste. Although I could also just move in.
After a visit I actually made an offer. It was incredible scary and exciting at the same time. I saved up for this, ever since ex left me. Buying a house has been my goal.

I needed to wait on confirmation and was thrown through a roller coaster of emotions as the owner would take the highest bid. The price kept rising, but still in a comfortable enough zone for me. The longer it took the sicker I got. Nauseated, headache, tired. Until we reached the bidding deadline, it was just between me and another bidder who suddenly (maybe under all the pressure) bid a lot more and I decided it wasn’t worth that much money to me.
But what a day. I could do nothing more then lay down in a dark place with my 3th   painkiller of the day. I hope it was so overwhelming because it was the first time I actually made an offer, after all it’s a huge commitment 😳 and next time won’t be so hard on me.

Afterwards I did realise I actually saw myself living there. My space, to my taste. Didn’t even wonder about what ex would’ve said or thought. And that’s enormous. I have set this goal for myself, I want to do this for me, no matter what. I’ve worked so hard for it!

The whole weekend I have been running around, going through a lot of exciting things. Visiting family (it’s aloud here again, while keeping a safe distance). Driving my bike all across the city.
And suddenly I get a text message from ex. As I was in a hurry and using my gps on my bike when I saw it. I just swept it away and had to keep going. Couldn’t think too much about it as I had places to be and people to see ;).
When I read it I saw or last text was from mid 2018!
The message said something about a misunderstanding, he made a pocket dial to the emergency number and  my number was still linked to it.

Afterwards I though about it and that doesn’t really makes any sense.
It felt like another excuse to be in contact, without actually talking or acknowledging  that he wants to be in contact.
There was no question or anything and I didn’t feel the need to answer, a lot of distractions those days.

About 3 days later, I see he checked my LinkedIn again. But not only that, I see we are no longer connected. I notice I am blocked on all social channels.
I mean why even? We don’t talk through those  channels. And he didn’t have to watch my LinkedIn (of which I get an alert) in order to block me.
I actually think he wants me to notice and it’s a cry for attention.

Sure being blocked stung a bit, not too much luckily. It felt a bit desperate, childish and only proves to me I am still on his mind.
Stupid  of me or not, that night I got curious: would he have blocked me as well on the only channel he actually would expect me to answer, the text message?
I replied kindly on the message from the weekend, even made a small joke. And yes, the message got delivered. Made no notion about being blocked or anything. No reply from him of course 😅.

I talked to some friends and they all said the same: he seems to be struggling and seems to want contact but doesn’t know how to handle this.
But they also say it is up to him to make a real effort, that I’ve done enough.

I’m trying to just stay neutral on all social media things, when he reaches out I am kind and try to be myself. But am not pushing any hard subject.
I hope to show him I’m safe to talk to, but won’t take any bull$h!te or play along with any drama either. It’s a thin line.
Being blocked also showed me how unstable he still is at the moment and I hope that insight helps me keep expectations low.


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#80: June 06, 2020, 02:58:39 PM
Hi Essential-

So very proud of your fortitude to go into that bidding war.   :). I'm sorry you didn't get this one, but I agree you're primed for the next leg of a purchasing race.  I am excited to read the part where you could visualize yourself in there.  Sooo close!  The next one, you will know.  I hope something new is coming through.  If not yet, weirder things have happened and this one could possibly land back as an opportunity for you?

Silly times of the ex with touch and goes.  The things they think of can make no sense at times.  I'm happy you're on his mind.  I hope one day he gets a little bolder to take some more steps forward to talk.  May you get the desires of your heart! Great job staying the course with all these big changes. ((( Big Hugs))) GGG
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#81: June 11, 2020, 02:25:29 PM
Hi Ggg4life, thank you so much for the non-judgemental and supportive message!   :-*

Felt good to read and liked you used the word silly.
Puts it in a less hurtful perspective  :)
It really is silly!

I am reminiscing all the time. But it’s good, it’s part of processing it all. Even tough it can be hard and definitely when I suddenly remember something hurtful.
Or start thinking about how it could even get worse, I try not to go there and tell myself I’ll be fine either way.

Since ex left me I’ve been through a lot of changes concerning my looks. Someone else might not notice it. But I realise I started to be more aware of myself.
I didn’t hate the way I looked and felt sexy towards him, I know he sure thought I am good looking  :)
But I hated my sensitive skin and when he left I guess I had more time and would do anything to feel better. I bought more expensive products and wasn’t scared to ask for advice, to apothecaries and doctors. And I started solving some physical insecurities. I mostly overcame the shame I felt over them.

I’ve gained a bit of weight over the last few years but during the quarantine, so over the course of a few months I’ve put on 5 kilo’s, I’ve always been very skinny and could eat anything without really putting on extra weight very fast.
But with gaining some weight, lots of cloths are too small now or really uncomfortable and I need to look at different things when I buy clothes now. Which forces me to look at myself different  other then before. If that makes sense? I was always so fragile, light and now I feel I carry more weight. Get it? As in my presence counts more now? So I guess my body is just keeping up with me ;)
Although I have to confess it’s a probably a result of comfort eating.  ::)
I do think I really shouldn’t gain more so I did start some cardio exercises because well, that starting double chin and fat on my belly do not need to get any bigger too  :D
As long as I am healhty tough, I’m fine with it. Many gorgeous woman out there that probably aren’t as light as a feather.
Actually glad not to feel too skinny anymore.

Ex has stayed quiet since he blocked me last week.
I do often feel the urge to do something, ask him to go for a walk. I mean he has been trying to contact me, without contacting me directly, for a year now.
I guess I feel sorry for how incompetent he must feel and I miss him. It seems so easy, text, meet and talk.
But I can shake it off. I’ve been nothing but nice towards his attempts. I need him to own it to communicate, otherwise I am fixing it all again in some way. He’s a grown man!
He messed up, he cleans up. And for all I know he is just looking to confirm that I’m still where he left me.
I actually think that’s why he blocked me, surprised I didn’t answer ( his text without a question) and needs me to notice and freak out. He really seems to be going out of his way to get me to take actions towards him.
Not playing that game.
And if I am wrong and he is not in crisis and very self-aware? Well, that would make him a terrible selfish disrespectful person. And not only towards me.
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#82: June 30, 2020, 02:03:54 PM
So he re added me on LinkedIn, checked my profile at least 3 times since blocking me. I accepted the connection invitation.
A friend told me to keep acting normal and accepting makes it seem like I didn’t even notice or cared about being removed before. And I am fine with being connected in a professional way. It doesn’t matter to me whether we are connected on LinkedIn or not, he doesn’t post on there and can check my profile just as well.

Something has started to bother me.
As a form of self protection I started to act like I was fine. And when time passed on I became more fine and it’s less of an act each day.
Yet towards him I feel like I have to keep acting. Not in any direct way and I am not deliberately playing a game. I hate this.
But obviously I notice all his silly actions towards me and I act as if they didn’t happen or as if I don’t see an underlying meaning. i just ignore indirect contact and react breezy on direct contact. This is what I’ve learned to do with this situation. It has given me peace in general. Yet sometimes I wonder whether it still is the right thing for me to do. It can feel very fake. Sometimes I think I am actually the one holding a chance of reconnection back. As he is clearly sending signals. And maybe I am scared to be turned down again, get my hopes up?

And just like that, the above thinking process turns around again and I realise I have many good reasons to distrust him, to protect myself. His behaviour can just as well be seen as manipulative, as incompetent or as scared. Through our little direct contact I didn’t see his old self or consistent behaviour. He still seems as confused as he was after bd. He has endless ways to contact me directly and not just in a creepy way. if there is still an ow, he is cheating on her on some level at least. Comforting one hand. (Karma) but it also would show how sad he has become and I don’t want to be part of a new running route.
I know I deserve someone who wouldn’t make me feel this way. Someone upfront and considering of my feelings too. I deserve clarity and honesty.

I keep going back and forward and so far I’ve mostly landed on the decision that I wouldn’t want or would be able to trust anyone who didn’t find my presence in their life valuable enough to treat me with respect and show and prove to me they mean well. Each time i conclude again that not following his shenanigans is a form of self respect.
Maybe at some point I’ll be so far along in letting go, that I’ll be able to communicate a kind but clear boundary on social media behaviour.
For now I think I’ll just keep ignoring it and stay kind when he does directly contact me.

Any advice? :/


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Quarter Life Crisis
#83: July 07, 2020, 11:05:22 AM
Advice needed.

Please take in mind we haven’t seen each other for almost 2 years. Accept for running into him once.
He initiates contact by asking non necessary practical things, watching my LinkedIn. Told me he is confused at times, but knows he should leave me alone. That he has been home a lot the last few years, that he was sad to lose stuff that got stolen out of his garage that reminded him of our relationship.
I haven’t reacted to any indirect contact, only kind and light messages when he casually sends me something directly.

I keep doubting between keeping this up. It’s up to him to be clear and honest.
Or between contacting him. But even then I am not sure. Should I tell him if he wants to be in contact he can just do so, but not those little pokes he gives me by checking LinkedIn every so many weeks? Should I just ask how things are?

I don’t know whether I’d want to be together or anything, but he knows I can see it when he checks my profile and it begins to feel weird to keep ignoring it. He’s been doing it for a year. Maybe it’s even keeping me from moving on. But ending that little contact also feels like breaking up. And not because I want to, but because it might be the healthy thing to do.

My mind is all over the place on this matter. I want to decide what position to take and feel like now I am just doing nothing because I don’t know what I want to do. Not because I decided to do nothing.


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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#84: July 07, 2020, 11:19:51 AM
Big hugs. Our attachment makes things confusing. It keeps us tied to hope that those "contacts" are leading somewhere, even when it's been a long span of time, and nothing has changed.

Knowing the only person you can control is yourself, and there's no way to predict his actual intentions or why he is doing anything...

What would you making a choice look like? What changes would it make in your daily routine? Is it just a matter of no longer paying attention to these things like LinkedIn viewing (you can make that private so you won't see who views)? Would it involve other things like getting rid of items from your former relationship? What small step could you make in one direction, to feel it out?

Is it validating to have these contacts? What other things could you do to find validation outside of him and his contacts?

What makes you feel peaceful? Where are you most "yourself", with or without this relationship?

No wrong or right answers and nothing you have to share with us. Just things to ponder to help make a choice, because it sounds like you are ready for some change. It takes awhile to really figure out what we want, but stepping in the direction toward something can help move the momentum. I see most people around here (myself included at times) hurting more from stagnation than from the trauma. Big hugs!
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Quarter Life Crisis
#85: July 26, 2020, 05:08:17 AM
Thanks Ready2Transform, those inward facing questions did make me think.

As I’ve said before, I am looking for a house to buy. It requires a lot of patience. For a while I liked the idea of living alone but it also scared me a lot.
My family went on a vacation the last few weeks and I loved it here by myself. I enjoyed the silence immensely and still had enough distractions.
They are back since Yesterday. And although I care for these people, I am feeling sad. I know why I chose to live here. I know it will be worth it when I have my own little house.
But I feel stuck. It might just be how I feel Today, so I try not to pounder in it too much and find a way to turn this day into a more positive one for me. Maybe my baby niece and nephew can come by and we can go for a walk. I am really looking forward to my own place, it’s time to take that step.

A colleague asked me about my love life and I asked whether he believed in identity crisises. He said he absolutely did. So I briefly told him what happened, including the LinkedIn stuff. He asked whether I though we might get back together one day. And I said I honestly don’t know. It was nice because I didn’t have to explain myself, try to convince him or had to know what I want.
Another colleague keeps telling me that ex is just scared and ashamed. I think he believes we will get together again and it just takes a bolder step from one of us. But he supported my choice not to respond to indirect actions and understand why I held back.

A little while ago I decided to text ex, before he could check my LinkedIn again. I simply asked how he was doing. I realised I was very scared before,  to do anything wrong, so I did nothing. Nothing that could make me seem interested or show I miss him, so that I couldn’t get hurt, because I didn’t show any feelings. Completely understandable seeing what happened and what I’ve read about moving on and not engage in the drama.
He did reply and we had a nice conversation  over text. As I was less scared, I dared to bring up the sudden goodby with his family. He didn’t have to engage in it at all. It wasn’t a questions and it wasn’t the main subject. He did though and acknowledged it was sudden and he didn’t handle things in the best way. He repeated later in the conversation that he did things he regrets. I didn’t give it a lot of attention and we texted a little longer. I broke it off because it was getting late and I had work in the morning. We both said it was nice to hear each other and I told him he was welcome to text again, he said he would.

At the moment I just thought: good that was nice, got to go to sleep. Didn’t reread, didn’t let my mind wonder in any way. If he texts good, if he doesn’t well.. nothing changes really.
I feel good about it because I didn’t let fear be a big factor in the moment and I took the initiative and I ended it too, it was my choice. Now, if he gets the urge to check on me again, he knows he can do so directly. I told him he could. I guess I like the though that at least I tried to break this circle that he created.

And yes, during  a bad moment I definitely am scared I only am spurring his crisis on, stroking his ego by being in contact or expose myself to filthy games, untrustworthy people and will get hurt again.
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#86: August 07, 2020, 02:00:16 PM
So a few weeks later and obviously didn’t hear anything.
I had decided to give a dating app another chance. I’ve been on it a few times, just out of curiosity. Talked to some nice guys, but didn’t feel like meeting up.
This time I decided to put on some pictures of myself and put effort in writing a short text.
Just one day back on the app and guess who was on it as well. 100 % sure it’s him, won’t go in the debts of it as I wan’t to stay anonymous, but there is no doubt.
You should know his profile won’t speak to many people as you can’t see his face and the text is in a different language. In the text he claims to be looking for someone to practice the language with. On a dating app, Weird.

As I figured this could mean ow is out of the picture (I know this doesn’t mean the MLC is done)  I contacted him and we chatted well into the night. It felt like he was following my lead and wanted to stay nice.
I proposed to catch up and take a walk. He first acted a bit evasive, which I friendly pointed out and he then acted more enthusiastic and agreed.I told him I would be busy the coming days and week and I’d contact him again.
About 3 days later I suggested a park we could visit, a park where I have no bad memories and never even truly visited so seemed fitting.
He didn’t reply, 2 days later and I felt it was so in polite. I hated the idea of being controlled and although I planned not to respond to that behaviour, Icaved. But in a good way I guess. I told him all I’ve been wanting to say, kindly but honest. Told him I didn’t want to meet this way, that he had given me the impression he’d had liked it too, but clearly showed otherwise now and not in the nicest or most grown up way. That i do have something better to do then try to convince someone who shuts himself off en doesn’t seem interested. That I understand it’s hard, but not only for him. That if he ever want to hear from me, he’ll have to take the initiative and contact me directly, not by checking my  linkedin or all other ways he used. Is said: who has time for this! Wished him good luck and many greetings.

He then did answer not too long later, claiming he only recieves those messages in his computer so didn’t see them yet. That, read this, he won’t respond to the previous text as it was a misunderstanding BASED ON IMPATIENCE. And he asked whatever I meant with the whole linkeidn part.

WOW! That text I wrote was very important to me and he wanted to ignore it as he sees it as me overreacting out of impatience for his majesty? And straight out lies to me.

I won’t type it all here, but I kind off repeated the content. He sqid he could acknowledge itˋs not fun to feel ignored. But that it’s not his fault.
I repeated myself and added I feel like his not being honest and this didn’t have to be as hard.
He claimed that there is not much to be done if I don’t find him truthfully. And It indeed  didn’t have to be as hard;

A few hours later I told him I had prreviously suggested what could help make this easier on me: him being honest and take direct initiative. And asked him as well, how he felt it could be easier.
Again radiosilence now.

At least a held my own and I tried to be constructive. But this is very heavy.
There are unspoken things, there is fear; pain and (a lot) of ego. I feel like he was horrible, in a manipulative way and I needed to stay in my course.
I Realise I easily feel blamed and he brings that out in me. But I start to notice it in daily life as well.
It has shaken me up a bit. I think I’ve been able to make the switch again Today and continue where I left off before contacting him.
I won’ regret it and take the lesson. I take off my hat for everyone who has to deal with a spouse in MLC on a regular basis.



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#87: August 26, 2020, 11:14:03 AM
Hi! Hope anyone who reads this is taking care an healthy.

Here to vent.
I read on the forum earlier about someone who was wondering whether her husband just changed or is going through a MLC.
The answer was time will tell as with MLC you might often be struck by the strangeness of it all and I’ve been struck maaaany times.

As I said a few weeks ago, I got radio-silence again. I tried to let go, which is always the hardest for me to do the first week after being in contact.
I am definitely relearning the: no expectations, advice. Kind of got the hang of it during the first year. Wasn’t expecting to hear from him any time soon.
But now we had agreed to meet up, I expected him to act completely right, I mean, normal.
Hence I had expectations and this entailed no patience.  I found it very disrespectful as he knew I was waiting.
Telling him to only contact me if he could be clear and honest had been on my mind for a while and it just came out.
Not sure I handled it in the most perfect way. But don’t regret pushing back when I felt treated badly.

I am trying not to watch the cooking pot, but start to have the impression he cycles every few weeks. This pattern is starting to emerge.
He never replied on my last message but last week I got a message from him, on another social media channel where we didn’t really talk since 2018.
It’s my boss his preferred communication channel, so I’ve been online a lot.

Ex said something in the lines of: he noticed media files were still attached to our chat, certain media files (he means sexually tinted stuff we used to send each other). He said it was very overwhelming  and he would have to block me or find a way to delete the files.
I answered I appreciated him handling it respectfully, said I don’t have those pictures and movies anymore and suggested to erase the chat.
I mean, he is a media expert! After two years he supposedly finds these images, claims not to be able to remove them and feels the need to let his ex know this and that it did something with him. He never replied to my message from a few weeks ago through different channel. I am not blocked and  he didn’t engage any further. If it’s true, I have no idea whether he got rid of the pictures or not. I can’t even!
Even though  it’s just weird behaviour, I kinda understand thanks to all the info I’ve read. So I am not breaking my head over it.
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Quarter Life Crisis
#88: August 26, 2020, 08:20:29 PM
Essential,

I'm just catching up on people's stories/threads on here, and wanted to just tell you I understand how you're feeling re the confusion. My soon to be XH began his MLC at about 38 so at the early end of the MLC spectrum. I'm not sure how quarter life crisis work but your husband sounds very similar to the standard MLC spouse who acts like a completely different human being. My ex started talking differently ( like he was in college or something) and everything was so different about him that I swear if someone told me he was posessed it would make more sense. It's like he's had a psychotic break or something.

MLCers basically act sans love or empathy towards the left behind spouse. That is the key sign that something is really, really, REALLY wrong with them because think about it this way: if you ( or me) were doing something wrong behind our partner's back- the person that we love and loved for so long- we would act remorseful and empathetic. We would probably feel ashamed and would act apologetic.

MLCers don't. Whatever love they had- no matter how strong- they somehow forget. It's as if they never even had a loving relationship with us. It's the ultimate mind f**k because it leaves the LBS to wonder if they did something wrong. I have been fighting blaming myself for the past two excruciating years, and am slowly realising that there is nothing I could have done to deserve any of this, no matter my extensive flaws.

MLCers def can cycle through phases. It's super frustrating. I'm so sorry your going through this.
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H born in 80
I was born in 83
Started dating in 2004; both felt we were soulmates & kept that feeling for 14 yrs
Married H 2006
D born in 2008
H entered MLC in late 2017
Replay started 2018
H moved out in April 2018; was supposed to be gone a month & focus on getting rest; he instead started an affair w/ 21 yr old waitress
H tricked me into moving internationally to stay w/my Mom in June 2018; he abducted our daughter for a YEAR in a desp attempt to cover up the affair

OW seems to be masterminding everything in his life and looks like she wants a green card.
Little to no contact with MLCer but he encouraged me to file for divorce
What's helping me:
meditation, reading/listening to audiobooks

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Quarter Life Crisis
#89: September 02, 2020, 11:02:57 AM
Thanks for posting BritAmericanMom.

I waited a few weeks and ex didn’t let me know whether he got rid of the pictures or not.
I asked whether it worked and got no reply. I then restated the boundary I had set in our previous conversation, basically said:
‘Notice you have been carefully reaching out lately, I understand it’s hard but I appreciate it when you do. It’s perfectly fine if you don’t want to speak but in our last conversation I mentioned under which conditions I feel comfortable with being in contact and those haven’t changed: direct contact, try to be clear and honest. You did the first one here and that’s nice! But there is no point for me without the rest. So I’d like to end this conversation.’
No reply.
Happy I’ve set these ‘conditions’ as I feel like I am leading by example by being honest and clear, protecting myself, not being a pushover and this without pushing him.

On another note, I went on a date Today 😱 we went for a bike ride. I wasn’t really attracted to him and felt like we are from a different world.
Everything went so smoothly, chatting, meeting up, talking, telling we won’t pursue it, al clear communication, just that on itself was nice.
And I’m really proud of myself for taking a chance, see what happens and gaining that confidence by seeing myself in another light again. ( I was so nervous!)
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Quarter Life Crisis
#90: September 13, 2020, 08:12:28 AM
Taking some more steps!

House: The realtor is going to send some files he is legally obligated to show when selling a house. If there are no big problems, I might make an offer.
It’s got some renovating to be done, very scary but exciting at the same time. Hope I am not taking on too much.

It’s been a long time coming, but I’ve deleted Ex his number on my phone and as a connection on LinkedIn. As I know his number by heart, it’s more a symbolic action.
A step closer to maybe blocking him, when I’m ready. It’s true that if he really cares, I don’t need to keep all communication channels open. He knows where he can find me.
It’s better not to be able to see when he was online.

In the meantime I will keep on dating, it’s been helping me gaining insight in who I am, what I want in life and it’s nice to meet new people.

Taking small steps at a time. But looking back, some huge ones have been taken at my own pace.

X

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Quarter Life Crisis
#91: September 16, 2020, 10:58:27 AM
Hi again,

It’s been a stressful few days.
Still bidding on the house, it’s not easy. Boss putting pressure on me, music lessons two nights a week.
Today a car hit me on my bike. Total fault of the driver, but the whole insurance hassle..
I’m getting tired and can deal less well with stress or pain.

Just saw that ow became facebook friends with ex his dad.
He hated his dad and suddenly he was the first person he confined in after bd, told him about his cheating. My theory? Because he knew he’d not judge him, as he always thought so little about his dad and the choices he made.
2,5 years later and I cried after seeing it though.

I think about blocking him everywhere, her too.
Should I just do it or write something? Or stay my course and do nothing?
Rationally blocking seems the most healthy thing for me. And yet it’s hard to take that step.
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Quarter Life Crisis
#92: September 16, 2020, 11:45:06 AM
With the help of a friend that knows everything. I blocked him everywhere I was able to. She would support me either way though.
No more expectations, no more being available for his touch and go’s. It only hurts me and it has been enough.
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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#93: September 16, 2020, 01:11:12 PM
Big hugs! Probably a very good choice. Congratulations on all of the other great things you're doing, and I'm so sorry about the accident. Be gentle with yourself, soreness can come out of nowhere.
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"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#94: September 16, 2020, 03:56:34 PM
I think you've made a very wise decision to block him. No contact is a form of shielding. You're prioritising yourself over the chances of recovering the relationship with him. It's a good start. Investing in yourself is a sure-fire win. Exposing yourself to hurt to invest in a possible reconciliation - not so much...

It sounds like things have piled up on you the last few days, what with the stress of work, the accident (are you ok? Or was it just damage to the bike?) and of course, the emotional stress from seeing what you saw on FB. It's all coming at different directions. I hope you take some time out to take care of yourself, whatever that means for you. If it means you miss a music lesson so you can rest a bit more, do that for yourself. Prioritise yourself more.

You're doing great holding it all together so far. Good luck with the house bidding.
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The more relaxed you are, the better you are at everything: the better you are with your loved ones, the better you are with your enemies, the better you are at your job, the better you are with yourself. - Bill Murray

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Quarter Life Crisis
#95: September 20, 2020, 12:06:09 PM
Thanks Ready2Transform  and CheerHeart,

I also believe it was the right thing to do for myself in this situation.
The first week after a check-in from him is the hardest, so I try to keep that in mind, I’ll feel better in the long run.
Now that he can’t check-in randomly anymore, I hope to get off this ride. It’s not doing anyone any good.

The accident wasn’t bad. A scratch on her car. My pedal is a bit wonky and a wound on my thumb as my display (electric bike) took off a few layers of skin  as my thumb was pressed against it. Didn’t even fall :)

About the house;
Realtors really try to get every cent out of you. He kept quiet for a bit, probably to test how interested I am in the house.
I didn’t cave and the realtor called me to say the owner was willing to drop the price even closer to my offer.
I know he’s just trying to squeeze whatever he can and will eventually except my offer if I keep standing my ground. I am the only bidder.
The difference is very low though, so I might go for it. I’ll sleep on it before I decide.

Believe it or not, after wanting this so much. I am absolutely terrified to buy the house.
It’s in a neighbourhood I like a lot, actually close to where we lived together. My paint studio is practically around the corner. There are many different cultures in the area, Turkish bakery’s, shops, recreational parks, close to a station, you name it. It’s weird I am the only bidder, but we saw all info and can’t find big problems. Maybe it’s because it has no outside space (yet) and everyone realised they need a garden since Covid-19 quarantine.
It will be project for myself, partially renovating it. I know I might regret not buying it, I’ll finally have  perspective and my own place.
Such a big thing. I am tired and a bit overwhelmed by the challenges that await me. I have to take it step by step and I’ll be fine.

I took a day off as it’s my birthday Tomorrow.
It might be because I am exhausted from a long walk in the sun Today, but I feel blue.
I am turning 30. I am still young, I know! But I am sad ex is not by my side. Other years he wished me a happy birthday. Now he won’t be able to if he wanted to, at least not simply by text or social media. I know it’s better this way. Now I can’t be disappointed if he didn’t this year. I decided that he can’t.

i know I am doing just fine, some rest will make me feel energised again and help to see things clearly.
Good night!
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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#96: September 20, 2020, 02:17:59 PM
Happy Birthday Essential!

Don't think about ex on your birthday. Celebrate you for yourself - look at what you've learned, how far you've come.  It's the start of a wonderful new decade for you, turn your face to the sun and look forwards, upwards. Give yourself that present of a new start.
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The more relaxed you are, the better you are at everything: the better you are with your loved ones, the better you are with your enemies, the better you are at your job, the better you are with yourself. - Bill Murray

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Quarter Life Crisis
#97: September 20, 2020, 05:54:48 PM
Hi Essential,
I'm just catching up reading your thread. It seems to me that you're figuring out how to maneuver his fiasco so well. I feel you have answered many of your own questions. Time will do that.

 Blocking him is something you would know whether to do when the time was right. And it was, and you did!

You may have the desire to unblock him at some point. You will know.

Good luck on your house!!
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Sada
Married 13 years, together 23
Apr 2014: PA discovered, ow 22 yrs younger
May 2014: "I love her & she loves me"
("But I'll always love you the most")
Jun 2014: Left home to live w OW
Aug 2014: Back home. "Sorry, made mistakes"
Late 2015: Ow2 (a couple of dates I think). Monster
  returned for several months 
Today: H progressing thru mlc positively. Has remained
  home and reconciled
Arguments & disagreements very infrequent
Enjoying our time together

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Quarter Life Crisis
#98: September 21, 2020, 02:02:16 PM
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
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Sada
Married 13 years, together 23
Apr 2014: PA discovered, ow 22 yrs younger
May 2014: "I love her & she loves me"
("But I'll always love you the most")
Jun 2014: Left home to live w OW
Aug 2014: Back home. "Sorry, made mistakes"
Late 2015: Ow2 (a couple of dates I think). Monster
  returned for several months 
Today: H progressing thru mlc positively. Has remained
  home and reconciled
Arguments & disagreements very infrequent
Enjoying our time together

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#99: September 23, 2020, 12:24:08 PM
Thanks CheerHeart and Sada!

My birthday started of on a sad note. I fell asleep the night before, trying to figure out my next bid on the house, I got another migraine. So I woke up with the remains of the headache and nausea lingering.
The day got better tough! Enjoyed the last warm sunlight and relaxed in a hammock. Later I picked up my nephew at his crèche and my family bought me sushi and gave me IKEA vouchers and money. To buy nice things for myself when I have a house. I enjoyed it. Took my nephew to the shop (he’s two) and he drove around with one of those mini shopping carts. He listened very well and you could see he loved being able to act like all the other people were.

For the first time in years I did not receive a happy birthday from ex. I like to think he did send it, but noticed I blocked him so left me alone.
I received  a happy birthday from his mom, aunt and Steph dad too. It’s nice to know they don’t get it and at least they still care about my wellbeing and honestly miss me. (I know as they told me).

 I am glad the day passed as I feel pressure to be perfectly happy on a day like that.
I’ve been crying a lot more again lately, I think it’s because I am going through a lot of processing and thinking. Cycles, you know.

Ex his sister posted pictures from their grandfathers 90th (!) birthday. Love the guy. Ex too.
Turns out ow didn’t come along. Never seen her with his family so far.

His sister posts their Christ-masses and birthday party’s,
In 2018 he looked veeery different. Extremely short hair, different clothes. Bright orange jacket and green wintercap. (not colours that match him or he would ever have bought)
End of 2019 he was wearing a jogging outfit (!) and looked tired with fake smiles.
When I ran into him earlier this year, he was also wearing the orange vest with his hood on. Although he did look freshly washed and shaven.
Now in the last pictures, I would say he looks more like his old self, but not quite. It was a warm day and he was wearing a long sleeved shirt with yellow in it (again not his color)
Everyone else is wearing tshirts and summer dresses. He always has been pale, but he look really pale. Definitely if you think about the warm summer we had and the fact he never (used to) wear sunscreen. So has he been spending it inside?
He used to grow his beard sometimes, but can’t grow a full one, he used to have some bold patches on his cheeks. But now his cheeks look completely bald and he only has hair under his nose and chin. Not flattering at all. Doesn’t look like he went to a barber in at least a few months. Didn’t look like he showered for the party. Not smiling in any picture.
He gained weight ( so far for his bragging about how the quarantine gives him the change to work out).

I know I shouldn’t over analyse or even look but seeing it made me realise I am holding on to imaginary things.
I am hurting myself with imagining he is having a good time, when I can’t know that.
And not only that, but I do not love the man in those pictures. It is weird to realise. I love someone with his name and his looks, family and history, but it’s not the guy in the pictures. It’s not the guy who has been contacting me. As if he has a selfish, moody, sloppy twin brother and they’ve switched places.

About the house: Tomorrow I will know whether the owner excepts my offer.
The realtor said he will but we ofcourse need a written confirmation, so I am waiting for that before I start telling people and celebrate!
I give in a bit on the price, but location is important and I already got the owner to lower his price so still a good deal.
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#100: October 18, 2020, 10:13:19 AM
Hi kind people!

I’ve signed the papers for my new house!
Now I need to transfer the guarantee money, I am preparing myself mentally to see that money go.  ;)
I got a loan, including renovation budget, the bank employee stated I can ‘easily’ pay for the loan. That’s reassuring to hear.
It took me over 2 years of living back in the elderly home and saving most of my income.
Quickly after BD I decided I didn’t want to rent alone, but buy. And since then it has been my goal. It’s amazing I am actually finally able to, and doing it!
It’s been crazy and a lot of new information, but I know I can handle it. I am already very proud of myself.

A while ago I wrote about how I blocked ex everywhere. WhatsApp, LinkedIn, Facebook, Email, text, everything.
My decision at that time was because I saw ow had become Facebook friends with his dad. And however meaningless that action rationally was to me. It did still hurt, too much.
Plus my birthday was coming up and I didn’t want to give him any control over that day. So he couldn’t send me anything, even if he wanted to. I just couldn’t take anything from him for a while. 

I did unblock him everywhere again now, except om Facebook. Don’t wanna know.

The thing is, to block someone on LinkedIn, you have to visit their profile to do so. Afterwards they won’t see you did, as you blocked them.
Now apparently, when you unblock them again, they do see your visit from back then.
 I didn’t realise that when I unblocked him. Well, good to know I guess :)

As a result, he watched my profile the next day. Me, not knowing he saw my visit from when I blocked him, decided that I needed to let him know he crossed a boundary I had set. Which was: do not visit my LinkedIn and only contact me directly , being honest and clear.
So I told him: Hi ex, I hope you are doing good. I got a notification that said you visited my profile again. Although you do no harm by doing so, I did ask you not to this anymore as I don’t see how it can be useful? Greetings, Essential.

He answered he said it was a misunderstanding, he only clicked on my profile link, because I watched his profile. He now thinks he understand why I think he is following me.

I mean, really, all those times he check my profile and his lies about it, can be justified with the above? Sigh. You don’t gaslight me anymore ex, I’ve grown and see through it.
Then he blocked me ::) Less then a week later he unblocked me again  ::)

I’ve done nothing towards him since then. Must have been about  a month now. Not sure, a lot going on.

Today I saw new pictures from a family thing from his sister. (not very Covid-proof) if you ask me. He was there, again no ow to be seen. He had a haircut and was wearing clothes from before BD. Not saying it means anything. But something I noticed. Also, during this past time, I’ve been getting to know myself again, how I am now. What I look like and so on. And I realised, we look a lot alike. We’ve had people ask us whether we were brother and sister once. We both found it very funny. But I see it now. Very weird thing to realise  :P ???

Stay safe!



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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#101: October 19, 2020, 09:40:28 AM
Congrats on your house!
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"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

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Quarter Life Crisis
#102: October 19, 2020, 11:20:27 AM
Thanks Ready2Transform,

 Ow actually was at the party. I feel weird. I don’t care and am heartbroken at the same time.
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Quarter Life Crisis
#103: October 22, 2020, 03:11:53 AM
After I saw the picture of ow at his family party and him actually looking more like his old self, I went through a whole rollercoaster.
It totally overwhelmed me. I think ow her face is a huuuge trigger for me.  I was catapulted back to 2 years ago.
I had no idea this could happen and I didn't see it coming. I started shaking uncontrollably. I didn't know what to do with myself and also couldn't place my feelings. It was horrible. All this time I felt like I was leaving it all behind me, day by day. And suddenly I was there again.

I think I also know to with specific moment I time travelled to.
It was when I biked passed ow her house in 2018 and found him sitting there together with her on the doorstep of her house.
I was then also shaking on my legs and he appeared calm and told me he had made his choice, he just couldn't leave her.
Horrible.

I can't believe they are actually still together. And it's very confusing with al the touch and go's he's been doing. Although he seems to be totally back in the tunnel again now.

Up until now I am not fully back on my feet because of what happened.
I try to comfort myself by remembering that it is not 2018 and that I can step away from this. I actually already kinda did.
I will feel better quicker this time and my life is already back on track.


Bringing your girlfriend to family means a big deal for me. Everyone there is the same, there is just someone else sitting where I would have sat.
It's such a weird feeling, because I don't care about her at all. She's not pretty, smart or talented. But she's there.
Of course I don't know the context of their life right now, so I try not to assign feelings to a situation I don't know.
For all I know ow was getting angry for not being invited until now. For all I know he is putting up this facade.
I know for sure his family won't accept her very easily.

Someone from his family, who was there for me in 2018 told me they don't really know her yet and it hurts them to have her there.
She also told me that they feels he is still working too hard. Trying to do too many things.
But the thing is:
he is unemployed. (has been looking for a new job for over 2 years now but kept working at the same place, now his contract ended.)
Follows one evening lesson a week (he has been following the course for about 4 years and is still just in his second year)
and is playing the hero by acting like he is helping his sister, together with his dad (who he used to hate) as she has buried herself in a financial pit again.
 
His family member actually stated he was talking about how busy he is and how much bad luck he is having. And she seemed to buy it, poor guy can't catch a break. No wonder he is losing his mind.

If I look at it from afar, his life seems quite empty. I can imagine it's hard to let go of ow, because if that happens he really has nothing to show for his horrible actions in 2018. The life he wanted and was pursuing, well where is it? The only thing he gained from that choice was obviously the only thing he changed: a different partner. I wonder whether he already realised that nothing became better. He didn't change into the great adventurer he suddenly wanted to be.

He has been super secretive of ow. Apart from the few times in 2018 where I forced him to acknowledge her excistence. He seemed to hide her away again. Earlier this year, when I ran into him. He claimed to go shopping in her neighbourhood. Even then, after so long. When we have no more connection and I obviously knew about her. He still lied!
So I guess that is also part of what hurt when seeing her at the family gathering. He now presents him and her as a couple. This is new to me.

I would absolutely appreciate any help with how to deal with this new 'chapter' and how to navigate myself when I experience such and overwhelming unexpected trigger. I know I need to shine the light back on myself, but getting it there requires a process too.
I find myself too often longing for an update for him. Defenitely now during Covid when there is less social distraction. It's like I am currently set into this cycle he started, of reaching out every so many weeks. I need to get rid of that setting. I Need to get past it and just leave it all behind me. I truly don't want to be part of this story anymore, not like this.

So many of you already dealt with this and I am eager to learn from you.

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#104: October 22, 2020, 10:00:04 AM
Going as NC as you can will definitely help. Maybe time to stop following the family on social media. That definitely helped me not see anything that was a trigger. If you were to ever decide to get back together, you could refriend them then. But that connection with them is not moving your xBF one way or another, and may not really be helping you.

You have so much good stuff going on for you. It's really a great time to make that break and focus solely on that, without any hypothetical situations about what he's doing floating around. It's HARD. Because it's habitual. And it really is traumatizing what they do.

Stayed, one of our great leaders around here, had a fantastic exercise where you wear a rubber band around your wrist, and every time you get the urge to check in on him on social, or a thought that doesn't help you runs through your mind, you give it a pop. That little bit of pain can help be a redirecting reinforcement that brings you back to the current moment. In that, you accept all things as they currently are. I personally went through quite a few rubber bands before it soaked in. ;) But it did.
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"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

 

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