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Author Topic: My Story Quarter Life Crisis

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My Story Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#10: June 27, 2019, 02:10:23 AM
Perhaps you could ask a friend to help so you don't need to contact him yourself?
Having lost family, I found that some things mattered tremendously with time. Others not so much, but as these are from your family not your life together, it makes sense that you would want them back. My grandmother died over 30 years ago but I have a Pyrex dish of hers and think of her every time I use it.

I have (I know, it sounds a bit silly) a recipe card from my grandmother for her special Date Roll Christmas cookies. I have transcribed the recipe to another card but I have the original still as well, even if it is yellowed, stained, and barely readable... and I have a wooden cross that my grandparents had as long as I can remember that hangs on my wall.... Grandpa went to glory in 1983 and Grandma in 2002.....
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Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
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BD#1 - August 2015
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Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#11: June 27, 2019, 12:55:34 PM
Not silly at all! Unfortunately my grandmother wasn’t interested in cooking herself, so no family recipe here :)
And Treasur, I can imagine. Any thing can be a trigger or a memory. I think it’s nice because it makes you remember.

The china means a lot because it has a little golden pincer that’s used to grab sugar cubes.
I remember that my sibblings and I played with it when we went to visit my grandparents. We were very behaved and quietly sat at the table. But we had fun pressing the little pincer to open, close and grab different items on the table with it. That little pincer has emotional value.

I think sentiment can be a beautifull thing. My grandmother died a few years ago and I had my piece with it quite soon, as she had felt it to be her time and she believed she’d be seeing her late husband again.
 

But that sad, I have more stuff of hers, that I actually use very frequently, like a wisk. Best wisk I have had. It’s my favourite. Though I’ve never seen her use it or have a memory of it.

I’ve tought about what I feel I should do. And actually I think I’m going to let it rest for now.
I don’t think that he has realised this is in his garage.

After a lot of unclear messages and hurt I cut off communication when I noticed him monstering.
Two times I have made contact since then, for his birthday and for something practical/legal.
I was always polite, made no more comments on ow or put any kind of pressure on him.

This made me feel good about myself as my feelings stopped being about his actions.
That he did this to me did hurt. But no matter what he does, I need to process the hurt it brought with it myself. That’s also why I don’t believe a new relation would fix anything. Or being together with him Tomorrow wouldn’t either. Realising this, brings a form of peace, because I need time.

And now after months of focussing on myself and no pressure towards him. He actually contacted me; no monstering. I don’t tend to believe his words but still, the action came from him.

I keep my expectations low on this defenitely because I feel there is a hidden meaning behind this form of reaching out and I can’t know what that is. Not a psychic.

My path continues just as it was going.

All these small reasons and probably even more keep me from contacting him and asking for a ‘favour’. I don’t want to be needing him to do something for me in any way. If that makes sense.
I feel like he thinks I’m here still. Ready for him.
Then jumping on the first contact he made in quite some time to ask for something to do for me...No I’d rather keep my self worth. I’ll stay polite and respectfull, but as long as he doesn’t grow up and treats me with true respect, I’ll do no more other then just that.

Hope my English is a bit clear, not my first language :)

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#12: June 28, 2019, 12:16:30 AM
And now after months of focussing on myself and no pressure towards him. He actually contacted me; no monstering. I don’t tend to believe his words but still, the action came from him.

I keep my expectations low on this defenitely because I feel there is a hidden meaning behind this form of reaching out and I can’t know what that is. Not a psychic.

My path continues just as it was going.

All these small reasons and probably even more keep me from contacting him and asking for a ‘favour’. I don’t want to be needing him to do something for me in any way. If that makes sense.
I feel like he thinks I’m here still. Ready for him.
Then jumping on the first contact he made in quite some time to ask for something to do for me...No I’d rather keep my self worth. I’ll stay polite and respectfull, but as long as he doesn’t grow up and treats me with true respect, I’ll do no more other then just that.

You are doing very good, I agree there's no reason to change that in any way! Stay on the path!

Hope my English is a bit clear, not my first language :)

Your English is just perfect to me. Not my language either but we get along here just great  :)
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"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#13: July 03, 2019, 03:25:07 AM
Thanks so much Silver.

I feel a bit hesitant with sharing detailed info here.
I’ve always learned what you’ve put online stays so forever.

So I don’t dare to use this as a form of diary.
Obviously I wouldn’t use names or locations, but I don’t think that’s needed to recognize someone.
I don’t think anyone is after me but I feel the need to be carefull.

Even so, I also feel the need to share with people who understand the weirdness of this situation.

I’ve been staying on track even tough he reached out in the form of an excuse (my gut feeling says it was an excuse). I am even planning a holiday trip for in a few weeks :D
Scared about the unknown but it’s exciting as well! I know it will also make be a stronger person, learning not to doubt too much and enjoy myself.
I’ve definitely learned I can’t control everything and going with the flow gives peace and the chance to actually enjoy. It’s very freeing.

I notice myself sometimes, slipping back in the old habbit of being undecisive about very unimportant stuff, gave me stress and the idea that negative events were caused by my wrong decision. It’s crazy and quite compulsive, def if you know this could be about which cereal box to pick, or which carrot,.. Now I try to just shrug and pick whichever. Thinking: I’ve always tried to choose thinking this small thinking the choice would decide whether things go good or bad and still this happened. I tried to give myself the illusion of control, a bit based on the time travelling idea that laying a rock differntly in the past alters the entire future. ( Now you see that the time travelling theory, in movies etc, consist more out of alternate universes, that relaxes me I guess :P) But I’m rambling.

Still having a good time with family and at work. Learning about myself a lot as I said.
Ex reached out two weeks ago, I answered polite with no pressure. Couldn’t quite believe he took the effort and I went back to what I was doing
Now I notice he changing other things towards me as well. (Trying to stay vague here, but believe me, I’m not following him on social media or snooping, I have no idea about how his current relation status is). It are changes he is making, which only I can notice. My feeling says he is thinking about me and wants me to notice. But again, could be anything.
When I saw it it stirred up some relieve ( takes away the feeling I mean nothing to him anymore) but also confusion and anger. Had a good cry and continued with what I was doing. Not showing him anything, he has to reach out honest and in a mature way. IF he wants to get into contact I need this to come from him.

I notice it gives me small expectations, but I am trying to not have them.
I think it’s me processing the (however small) changes in his behaviour.


As I said before, I need him to be mature and sincere. Really not starting a new relation with less.
I came too far to do so.

Good luck Today everyone!
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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#14: July 03, 2019, 04:26:45 AM
Illusion of control is quite typical for us human beings don't you think? It's about feeling more safe I guess, kind of mental effort to prevent 'bad things' happening to us with our choices.
With spouse's crisis which obviously becomes our relationship crisis as well, we learn to let go of things we don't have control on which is quite liberating actually. None of us chose this yet every of us are here for it, and probably none of us have any control on their journeys so why don't focus on our own growth instead of just waiting what may or may not happen! Standing or done, that's the ultimate goal imho.

Focusing in every possible change in his behaviour and actions is very human and understandable. Still my take on it is that you should try to avoid that. More you focus on him, less you focus on you. It's very difficult to not set expectations while trying to read everything they do and in my short yet quite intense LBS history, I misread most of the times anyway. More I tried to understand her actions, words, moods, more confused she got me bc there is no much logic in it. Today this tomorrow that etc. Hope is always good but when focusing on them too much, it tends to turn to expectations insidiously.
 
You are doing good, thank yourself for that and keep doing things for you.


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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#15: July 03, 2019, 04:41:32 AM
Hello,

You are doing fine. I like the fact that you are doing something on your own. I remember my first adventure out on my own and I was so excited to do something new completely on my own. I took a train to downtown LA and watched a Clippers game. Wow, talk about exciting.

You need to realize that you are in control of your life. When we are with our partners, we become attached to things about them and our choices and decisions take their perspective and feelings into account. Like the cereal. On my own, I pick the cereal I want. Now, I think of others and what they would eat as well. Different way of thinking. But it connects us to the other people in our lives.

Now, you only have to think about yourself. Doing what makes you happy. If he reaches out, it is what we call a touch and go. I remember my first one. I thought she was reconnecting. I was so confused when she pulled back. OP gently let me know I had a 'Touch and Go". He will from time to time in his journey, check on  you. To see your status and then disappear right back in the rabbit hole. As long as you have no expectations and allow him to navigate his own waters, you will be fine. If you build up expectations, it can bring all the pain back.

My final note is to share what you feel comfortable sharing. The forum exists to support you on your own journey as you become whole again.

Have a great day and ((((Hugs))))

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#16: July 03, 2019, 10:41:35 AM
Thanks to both!

I had a day off Today and feeling a bit sick, results in a bit of ‘a bad day’ but really not that bad. Had much worse!
Relaxed a lot, hehe. Took the time to prepare the upcoming trip!

Did a lot of stuff for myself in the last year, went to the other side off the world, hans zimmer concert, drinks with friends, new job. But small things as well. The midlife crisis thing is somewhere in the background, I drag it along, the cheating and hurt, the feeling of emotional torture. Sometimes I hate him for it. Sometimes I cry because is miss him as he was and mourn as if he died. That’s mostly when I’m tired or overwhelmed.

But the good news is, it’s in the background. I don’t think about him and ow as much anymore, really try to make her part not that important. Don’t let myself be used or tortured anymore. It used to be all I could think about tough, but that just hurt too much. Understanding more and more about mlc helps answering the hurting questions I had for myself. Aka I took a lot of the emotional pain away myself as to at first I was literally begging him to take away my pain by at least respectfully end our relationship. Its a hard thing to do. Everyday. Giving this a place and moving on.
Easy trap to focus on him again.

I don’t try to be defensive but I think it might have sounded like I obsess over him, checking in.
But I don’t know anything other then actions he takes towards me :)
And even the smallest give me something emotional to concur again, which I vented here.

In the beginning I envied (very naive of me) the people with a mlc’r that didn’t leave.
But I realise I could not take that, I’d not be able to focus on myself and stop trying to fix his issues.

The only thing I take out of his recents actions is that everything I’ve been reading so far seems to match his situation. The BD, the affair, the doubting, bad view on our live together, change of personality, the fog, disappearing, blocking me everywhere, without any reasonable explanation.
And now the weird indirect contact, which indeed probably is a touch and go. Looking if he can still trigger me, get me to contact him or get me angry.

But no worries, I’m learning day by day. Don’t let myself be lured into all the drama again, never liked drama.
Obviously I’m not cold hearted, this does something to me.
I think I do still love him. Can’t know if I could have a relationship again with him tough.
But that’s something to worry about if that option would present itself.


Anyone who reads this and is feeling desperate and in pain. Give yourself time, you deserve to feel OK again and you will. Be very patient and loving towards yourself as if you would to someone else going through this.


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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#17: July 03, 2019, 11:21:09 AM
Sending virtual Hugs.....
Essential,

I am so grateful to read here and I don't feel alone or crazy for caring or even loving someone who hurt me and not only me but our kids. MLC becomes very selfish they become evil monsters.

I am also been feeling down and also taking it one day at a time but is hard especially like you said is like they died we are mourning them. I remember my BD was right after Spring break of 2017 now that I think about it she was distant I still remember us driving and me trying to get her to smile or sing along with us but now I see she was already gone.
The way I explained to my therapist was like me waking up from a horrible accident and we made it but W died. Because that's what it feels like I lost my best friend, my partner in crime, we where like ying and yang. So sad that we LBS have to go through this.

I will be honest I was a stander but so much hurt has happened I ask how can we overcome this. My long time therapist says your Ex w is a narcissist I hate to tell you that and somedays I question can she be a narcissist but I also follow Sis on here who sister was a MLC and she said  MLC and Narcissist have lots of traits but they are not and the only thing why I believe in MLc because it just happened over night and all our stories sound the same. I guess I do pray we at least could be civil because W doesn't want to even see me or even talk even though we have kids.

One day at a time
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A  DAY AT  A TIME,  WITH GOD ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#18: July 03, 2019, 12:17:38 PM
So sorry to read that Jay78

I know, the similarities in the story's, the so called mlc script, helps me place it as well. It slightly helps not taking it personal and not caring so much about the ow. Although even so, this is a hard thing to do and requires daily effort.

I don’t know rebuilding is possible, but everything I’ve read and seen around me says it’s not impossible, very hard tough probably. But if person comes out of crisis as a whole and the LBS took the time to become strong again as well, you never know.
Tough it’s a guess and I wouldn’t rely on it. I think with keeping yourself secure, financially and emotionally as best as you can, you are doing the best you can.

 I’ve read a few posts of shocks sis as well and it’s great we get that insight. Showing how crazy painfully it must be for the mlc. I also believe the narcissism comes with mlc. My ex could have his selfish side, but a narcissist? No I don’t believe so. The crazy thing is he always feared becoming his dad, scared an full of self pity, and just overnight, he did.

Can’t imagine how it must be to have to see your kids go through this as well :(
Stick to the advise; only look for contact if absolutely necessary, stay to the business and do not bring up relationship talk. Do not blame her. Work on yourself, for yourself and the kids, they need you!

I know how much it hurts, we are here because of the same pain :( as you say; one day at the time.





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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#19: July 03, 2019, 11:30:55 PM
Yes it is very hard and painful too, even though you have knowledge and understand it's much about script, not about you etc etc. It's not possible to isolate our feelings and emotions from the facts, we still have to face that all. But it helps to know what it's about and that there is very little we can do about it, but so much that we can do for US.

I don’t know rebuilding is possible, but everything I’ve read and seen around me says it’s not impossible, very hard tough probably. But if person comes out of crisis as a whole and the LBS took the time to become strong again as well, you never know.
Tough it’s a guess and I wouldn’t rely on it. I think with keeping yourself secure, financially and emotionally as best as you can, you are doing the best you can.

Not impossible, I'm glad you found stories that points that to you! Still I would add that if person comes out of crisis and LBS does her/his work AND still wants to reconciliate. I understand very well that standing is a decision and reconciliation is the goal, but life happens and time does it's work, there are some stories also about LBS is done at the time MLCer wants to reconciliate. I'm not saying that should be anyone's goal but it can happen and in a way, if I was a stander I probably would take that fact as quite liberating thought, options for us too, not just for MLCers.



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"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

 

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