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Author Topic: My Story Quarter Life Crisis

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My Story Re: Quarter Life Cris
#20: July 20, 2019, 02:18:18 AM
Urgh, what just happened.

There is yearly festival, which I went to last year with a broken hart. Ended up running into ex and ow.
Not that much of a coincidence as I was walking around all the time, looking for a pain reliever.
It was a very traumatic experience for me. He said so much weird things.

Just last Wednesday, I told my sister I wouldn’t go this year.
I just hate all the drama, and feel like I’m on a good path.
Didn’t go to another recent festival, felt like it would be good to avoid any conflict since I am already dealing with my share of issues to overcome. Felt good about not going.

But my sister and other people said; it’s such a big festival, what are the changes to run into him.
And she had a point, there are thens of thousands people visiting and it lasts a week.

Yesterday I was randomly invited to a ‘party’ from another company in the same building as the one I work at. As I told my colleagues quite late, only one person ended up coming with me.
A female colleague that I only know a little bit. So we went, had some small talk with people.
And you know, I was happy to be out. Enjoying the summer festival feeling. Excited to meet new people that might suit me. You never know, maybe a nice guy as well.

Afterwards we went to the festival. Met up with some colleagues there. Proud that I didn’t let that trauma and those memories stand in my way.
Then suddenly when in conversation with my new female friend. It turns out she is a friend of ow.
Just as I felt safe and had fun.
I rarely drink, but allowed myself to have a cocktail just before then.
Not sure if the alcohol helped. But I broke when I heard she had known about the situation since the day we met a few months ago.
I guess I felt safe at work and safe with my new friends at the festival.
But it turned me around and I cried. She was very respectful, tried to comfort me, point out she has nothing to do with all that and barely knows anything about it. Just that ow doesn’t feel like ex cheated on me. Doesn’t count as cheating in ow’s mind.
But female friend/colleague told me she ‘is on my side’ because she has been cheated on as well.
Guess she doesn’t believe ow that much either. But you know, she is her friend. So I don’t trust her anymore.

Now I regret I broke down there.
I know it’s human, but I was doing so well with the no contact. No way of him to know how I was feeling. And now it depends on how trustworthy my friend/colleague is.

It took me a while to overcome the pain that had resurfaced. Just when we went to a different location ( a place I suggested, because the one my friends did didn’t sound fun) and who was standing there as well, no other then ow :(
My friend/ colleague noticed too and we went to stand somewhere else. I had to regroup my thoughts.
First I felt so sad I wanted to go home. But I didn’t really, there were so many nice people.
I ended up staying with my group of friends all night, who were standing just 5 metres from ow’s group of friends.
I’m just not sure what I should’ve done. I ignored her existence, turned around my mood and had fun.

Met a former crush there too, he was as nice as ever :)
Many men flirting.

Now I am not sure how well my friend/colleague knows ow.
Because turns out she know half of the people walking around.
I try not to feel bad about opening up and showing my pain.
She actually got quite drunk and kissed and pursued a few men to make her ex, who was standing there as well, jealous. I am not like that. I am quite reserved in that context. I feel that ow is like that as well, lose and using physical contact to her benefit. 
Saw ow briefly dancing with a guy as well. Haven’t noticed ex around.

Trusted a closer colleague with my pain and he told me he found her very un pretty, couldn’t compare with me.Was a very nice thing to say of him. Thought so as well to be honest. She’s not a nice person.
I saw her out of the corner of my eye now and then and I truly don’t get what ex sees in her. I know him and she’s not his type. Hurts tough.

I just wanted to have relaxed night out to meet new people.
Don’t think I am going again. It’s always a drama fest there.

Trying to tell myself it’s all ok. Didn’t do anything wrong and made every choice in favour of myself.
Tried to be strong and confident. Didn’t do anything to manipulate ex or ow.

But I know it doesn’t matter. Giving it all too much attention.
But it’s in my head at the moment and I can vent here.
Don’t wanna make it bigger then it is in my real life.
Back to getting back on my path.

Going back to acting indifferent towards people I don’t really know for now.
Sad it has to be that way. When do I know if it’s safe to open up, without it backfiring on me?
How can I make new friends if everyone turns out to be related in some way?




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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#21: July 20, 2019, 02:29:40 PM
Another festival night and I’m not joining.
I feel sad partially because I deserve to blow off some steam.
But after last night I know again why I have been in self protection mode.
And I need to watch myself a little while longer. Take it easy.
Not force myself and get in touch with my feelings.

You know when some days you are not feeling completely in control of your own reactions to your emotions? And don’t really think before acting on them?

Felt like I had that Yesterday. I shouldn’t have ‘freaked out’ when I heard my colleague is a friend/acquaintance of ow.
I was tired and had some alcohol.
Fixer as I am, I plan to talk to her on Monday. Explain why it had upset me as it did.
So she knows I was overwhelmed by that fact as it came totally out of the blue and I had set my hopes up on a night without any drama our anything to do with ow or ex :/ and it keeps following me, I just a wanted fun night!


Truth also is that I fear ow saw me crying and she’ll hear from her friend that it was about my ex and her. Urgh, I feel stupid. I hate this. All this watching out what I do, who I talk to about what. Who can I trust.
I hate avoiding sincere questions from people that care about me, but are related to ex or ow in some manner.

And why?
I want my life, separate from his choices. I don’t want him to know anything about my current life. I want to have my safe space. To be able to be myself.
And I feel forced to hide it, because as soon as I open up I feel that info is out there for him to pick up on. I just want absolutely nothing to do with this and feel free in my own home town.


I guess I could have that if I didn’t care about him anymore, if I didn’t care about whether I worsen his crisis or not. I hope am I blowing this up and it doesn’t really matter.


I have some friends of whom I know have no relation what so ever with ex or ow.
But I don’t feel like I can bother them all the time with my hurt. And talking about it makes it real again and me vulnerable. A drama queen. Still feeling for a man who doesn’t deserve me or did not want to be with me anymore.

What an emotional torture the MLC’r leaves on the LBS.
And this probable doesn’t even compare with what many of you go through :(

I remember now why I don’t go out a lot. Little sleep makes me very emotional 😭
And I realise the confrontation last night got me back on his rollercoaster.
I am making too many assumptions.

Hope I can pick myself up again Tomorrow.

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#22: July 20, 2019, 02:46:54 PM
Big hugs. It's so hard when the social circles are small. Feels like you're always in a fishbowl on display! Time will make everything easier. Your feelings were very valid. It's hard to gauge how much trust to put into people. Wish I could tell  you that gets easier with time, but boundaries have continued to be an issue for me. Something I am still working on for sure!
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"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#23: July 20, 2019, 03:26:58 PM
Thanks Ready2Transform,

I feel I had nobody to talk about this Today.
In my day to day life I mostly can handle it. But sometimes we need someone to tell us our feelings are valid.


I really don’t know any other way then to not talk about it, only with people that I know I can trust and can truly call a friend.

Steadily breaking of contact with his family, although I love them and appreciate their invitations to meet up. I mean, what would I say to them if we met up..

Not talking about it with my own family, they were very sweet and helpful, but the concept of a identity crisis is mostly lost on them. They don’t bring the situation up any more. My mom still sometimes mentions him in a story, very respectful of her. I know they used to hit it off quite all right.

Work is work and I try to be professional.

Therapist didn’t really know how go help me further.
I tend to logic my way out of my questions during therapy and they see it as a healthy way of processing + I am saving up for a house and can really use the money. I want to do this for myself. Get a life again, my own home.

So it’s quite the lonely process.

In what way are you working on boundaries?
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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#24: July 21, 2019, 02:34:08 AM
Never posted this much in just a few days :)

I’ve been going through a rough time mentally.
I am processing something but I’m not sure what.

I saw ow and know more then ever that I don’t really care about her.
They weren’t partying together either, which would’ve been more pain full to see.
I guessed they were still a couple so that’s no change.

Having her friend tell me that ow sees it differently and that in her eyes, they didn’t cheat and did nothing wrong. Well, that just confirms how naive she is and her roll as the alienator.
With her he is the hero, just fell in love. Not a cheating liar.

I know the other side of the story.
He did cheat.
Telling me he wanted to sleep with us both.
Blaming me for breaking it up with him (after his continuous cheating and lying).
Well,.. you know the script.

So what is it that has made me feel so down and as the verge of crying these last days?
Why do these negative thought keep running through me head and am I again focussed on them?

I think maybe it is because I thought I was strong and safe.
And in just a few minutes I broke down in front of somebody I rather didn’t.
I had a very hard time getting myself back together.

I guess I don’t trust myself anymore to be strong enough when I need to be.
I have not as much control over myself as I thought I had gained over this last year.
I didn’t take a deep breath and tried to relax myself and think for a minute before reacting to unexpected news. It was a test I failed.
I also hate that it is possible to create a life where people believe your lies and ex can live in that fake existence without judgement.

Ex and ow still have too much power over me. I feel sad because maybe now they know I still care about it all and it can be used against me. Although I should know that what I do doesn’t matter in how he runs from reality. He’ll find a reason anyway. I just don’t want to make things worse.

And for myself I am sad because I am not as far along as I hoped I was.
Even now I am so focussed on them while so much good things happened that night as well:

I went out, just for me.
I’ve seen my former crush which was nice. He was caring.
People cared about me and comforted me saying everything is relative and I am me and that’s great.
I got a few sweet hugs and random kisses on the cheek here and there.
Met a bunch of new people.
Got being hit on several times. Being told I was beautiful.
I gracefully ignored ow’s existence and managed to pull myself together eventually.
I looked great and I know I am a sincere, talented and good person.







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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#25: July 21, 2019, 05:26:28 AM
Hello,

I know what it is like to be in a small circle. It seemed everyone I knew or met, knew about my situation and I hadn't told anyone. My ex had told a few people and it spread like wildfire.

Quote
I saw ow and know more then ever that I don’t really care about her.

Why should you? She is a symptom of his crisis. Does he behave like the man you love? Does he have the substance or character? That is the man she is with? He is like a Luis Vuitton knock off handbag. From a distance, looks like the real thing, but up close and on examination, you know it isn't the real deal. Let her have him.

I think you did well and it is nice to have others flirt with you just for the self-esteem. You can meet new friends. There are other social groups that are where people meet up to do things together. It is not a meat market or club, but people that want to do things like hiking, cooking, watch a movie, or wine taste as a group. Then you can meet new people not attached to your situation. It will help you detach without being in the same social circle as OW.

The most important thing you posted was:

Quote
I looked great and I know I am a sincere, talented and good person.

That's the attitude that will take you places.

(((Hugs)))

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#26: July 21, 2019, 09:50:17 AM
All good stuff you are working on, and you are allowed to have your moments of transition during your healing where you are vulnerable. Don't judge yourself too harshly. ;) Each day is a new beginning, and even though you may feel off about how it all went down, this event too is part of your healing into a stronger, more independent self.

As for my boundary work: I tend to open up fast with people when there's a connection. I am working toward not getting stuck in my 'story' still, even though I'm at a very different place with it than I was eight years ago. My identity is not what happened to me. But sometimes I still wear it a bit much on my sleeve.

One thing I want to encourage you about: many of us, myself included, had spouses that had an earlier breakdown, which lead to a much bigger one down the road. My xH was in his 20s, and we weren't married. I considered breaking it off then, and I've often pondered what kept me from doing it. Those things are actually the same things I've done mirror work on now - inaction through fear of making the wrong choice, attachment, etc. If there is a silver lining in a possible non-reconciliation for you (and I know this is probably not exactly "hurrah!" kind of stuff, but more something to think about), it would be that he might be set to have a much bigger crisis in ten or fifteen years, when you would be more embroiled. I just want to encourage you to keep making those great independent choices and plans and moving forward in a way that will give you a great life no matter what. Clearly, you are a bright and talented person with so much depth, reflection, and empathy. Good things are going to happen for you. Trust.

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"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#27: July 21, 2019, 01:35:27 PM
Oh wauw this sucks. Just wrote a whole text and it’s gone  :o

Readytrotransformmyself first, thank for the Louis Vuitton comparison.
Will keep it in mind when I cycle again.
It is true, this is not the man I cared for.

It was a rough weekend emotionally, but I do feel stronger now.
I’ve seen the ow for who she really is and she’s a lot less important to me know.

Allowed myself to ‘snoop’, went looking for pictures of her. Knew were to find it from in the beginning, the excessive snooping period. And I look at her different, more realistic.
Not worth to feel bad because of her.. Wouldn’t recommend someone else to do this. But it didn’t hurt me anymore :)
Something shifted.

Ready2Transform, thanks for the support!
I get why you are saying this about a silver lining.
You want to encourage me to be stronger not matter what happens. To know what I want.

But for me, thinking that way actually means for of commitment and would keep my current fear and thrust issues in place.
It might be that he comes out of this stronger or not, it might happen again or not. But this counts for anybody I meet. Now, i am afraid to get into a serious relationship and get to a point were it’s all good and I’ll start to be afraid to lose it all again.
I really need to over-win this fear step by step. And I guess it starts with learning to trust my own judgement again.

But I appreciate your post, intentions and I take all advise seriously.

In what way did your ex h go through a rough time during his twenties?
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Re: Quarter Life Crisis
#28: July 29, 2019, 02:17:56 PM
So I went to the festival a few more times and enjoyed myself.
Guess I am not afraid to run into ow anymore. Not that I was keeping myself from doing things to avoid to confrontation, but something shifted in the way I see her.
I think I am gradually stopping to project my pain on her.

I notice too, that I like myself and body more. I am trying to really look at myself and accept who I am. I trust my own decisions now as well and accept when I honestly screwed up and learn to let things go. I stand up for myself. I know more what I stand for and what is important to me. But still learning. Just feel a difference there. Def now I saw pictures of myself 3 years ago and see how fragile I was.
I’ve also gained some weight and feel really comfortable about it.

I am not sure how I feel about ex.
Don’t need to explain here how strange the situation is.
Came across a letter he wrote to me over a year ago. So confusing. Def if I think about all the contradicting things that happened afterwards. Didn’t cry when I read it though.
It confirmed to me that he’s not in a stable mindset.

Do wonder about him as I haven’t seen him in a year.
It’s weird how someone can say they care and still leave you to rot in the pain they caused you.
It’s was all about how he is hurt by it all, how terrible he feels. Well sure, but gee thanks..

As I’ve said before, I notice hem getting closer step by step, very carefully. Since this May.
I am ignoring it as much as possible but ofcourse I wonder about why the hell?! And get some balls!
Grow up! It’s so selfish. If you’ve got something to say, say it. But I guess he doesn’t really know himself.

But again, I don’t let him notice. Perhaps it’s a way to get me angry again, perhaps he is testing the waters. Perhaps he is truly happy and doesn’t want to ‘fight’ anymore. I have no idea.
 As long as I don’t hear ow and he has been split up for a while and he is too much of a chicken to contact me directly I just keep going to leave it lying next to me as much as possible. Still hard though sometimes.

If he does contact me while still with ow, I’ll just be calm, friendly and polite. But no friendship can exist for me.
If he does and ow is out the picture I am willing to listen to what he has to say and will try to be there for him, within reason, if he asks me to.


It helps to try to stop seeing the world as a place of hurt, bad ex, bad ow, hurtful times,..
To seeing it as an experience and an opportunity to love and respect. Sounds incredibly lame. But it’s true to me know.

I mostly naively live in my own world. But I know many people are trying to escape reality. Many around me are doing a lot of drugs. Have highly set defence mechanisms etc. It’s crazy rare to feel at peace with who you are, it would seem.

It’s hard not to monkey brain. I think I could image every possible scenario if I’d leave myself to it.
But I read here somewhere that it helps to shout out the current date out loud when you bust yourself.
And it works, I immediately realise where I am and what I am doing and start to thing about other things that follow that trail of thoughts.
But not Tonight, here I can ramble and vent a bit :)

I wish you all a good night/day.
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Re: Essential’s process
#29: August 03, 2019, 02:11:21 PM
I am leaving for my big vacation this Tuesday! Nervous but mostly looking forward.
It’s a place ex loved and so did I. It’s a big step for me, again confronting myself with a world where he is no part of. But as I have been confronting myself step by step by picking up all the pieces of life that I enjoyed before BD. They were tainted at first, but i think I manage to relate new experiences and meaning to activities and don’t project the pain on them anymore. But small steps at a time and only when I feel like I can take it.

I really want to take the advice to be as gracious through this part of my life as I can.
Walk tall. Trust.
And I notice sometimes I am not as far along as I think I am one something unexpected happens.

I notice ex is unblocking me on social media. But the truth is: I shouldn’t notice he is watching my accounts. He does it on different media, with weeks between actions. The fact that I know means I am looking for it. Although I do it in ways where I can’t be hurt with unwanted info or pictures or whatever. I don’t look on his accounts. But even so.. I am watching for it and he is me.
It’s weird. It’s whats written here on the forum as well. If you look for signs..you’ll find some and get hope. Which can end up in a lot of hurt, again.
So I really shouldn’t. I am ignoring his indirect actions towards me. So he doesn’t know I notice. But I can’t help looking whether he is making those actions and it does get in my head. I can’t block him because then he’ll know I noticed. I rather ignore this kind of asking for attention. But that means I need to be strong enough not to check on them. It’s childish and ridiculous. Very sneaky teenage like.
But I am guilty too...


Doesn’t disturb me in my day to day life or in my future plans. But I realise watching him, in any way, can end up in hurting me. It’s addictive, I think because it’s a form of attention. I am not feeling non-existing anymore. Working on watching less and less.. :( so stupid that I find this so hard to ignore. In a way I am giving him the attention.

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