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Author Topic: My Story Empty Space

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My Story Empty Space
OP: June 18, 2019, 04:38:20 AM
Hi, my thread number something.

Very quick recap again:
BD at April 2017, Divorce at Jan 2018, after being 12 years together with XW from which 5 years married. D11 and S5, joint custody.
Not standing myself but supporting everyone that make that choice with deep respect.

Thought about how to title this thread and I guess that's what I am in at this moment, some kind of empty space between something, not sure what...
Perhaps call it a limbo between what once which and what my life will become, both in sight, neither more important than the other. Empty space in this case doesn't mean life standing totally still or being a bad place to be in. I believe it is what I need right now. I feel I gave so much for the past already that I don't have quite all the resources I'd need to step into anything new yet. It's not actually a down either, perhaps a little blues anyway. I like to think that it could be too a final stop in my short yet intense journey from shock to acceptance.

Journaling

My dear old buddy, dog called 'E', died a night before yesterday. He was almost 12 years old, but until last few weeks, still in ok shape. Last month was clearly worse, something happened to him and I had already booked vet appointment at monday evening. But it was his time to go. I took him for a walk at sunday afternoon, at evening he started to breath heavier, still he ate some and drank water, got to upstairs with me as he always does when time to go to sleep at evening. It felt that he started to sleep at my bedroom floor and I fell asleep myself. I woke up less than 2 hours ago and saw him cramp and then he just died. I was in shock obviously but understood of course what happened, that he left from this world.

I called to local vet hospital emergency duty and they told me I can took his body to them right away. I texted J, still in shock about what happened and she insisted to come over and drive us to vet emergency. She said it's ok bc she was on holiday and didn't have to wake up early next morning. So we did go and I left E to them and requested they would send him to obduction later bc I have to know what was his cause of death. I believe he got a heart attack or something like that. They also take care about cremation and I got a chance to choose from urn catalog.  I was greatful to J, she was there for me, shared my grief. It would have been even much harder to do that trip all alone. Got home at small hours and fell a sleep for a short while. Called to my boss at morning if it was ok to take a day off and she agreed and understood me very well. Got a little more sleep and time to be alone at home, to put his stuff away, to make a walk we used to do with him, alone, for his memory I guess.

At beginning at the summer I looked E and thought that this might be his last summer, didn't have a clue he would be gone before midsummer. Dog is an animal, but never 'only' a animal for it's owner as every dog owner know. It's time to grieve him now, but I accept that as well, he lived a long and I believe good life. I am thankful for the time we got together, he was part of many stages in my life.

Texted to XW what happened to E, she seemed to be very sorry, genuinely. She promised to tell the kids before I pick them up at sunday evening from her's, but we agreed she shouldn't do it until they are back from their holiday trip, but let them enjoy the trip first. They are having a great time, I got several pics and a video from the beach and the pool. I am glad for the kids they are having such a good holiday there.

I guess my empty home this week symbolizes the empty space in a way too. It's not necessarily bad, even it's sad, it's a phase and part of the process, part of life, so that's ok.


Previous thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10733.0
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« Last Edit: June 19, 2019, 09:52:31 AM by Thunder »
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Re: Empty Space
#1: June 18, 2019, 04:44:27 AM
I'm sorry, Silver.
Still remember when my cat Louis died last year.
I really felt at the time that he had hung on to see me through the worst times and that as I was starting to get up off my knees, it was his time to go. Lou was my h's cat and he had really loved him before so like you I told my still then h who seemed sorry but not really upset if that makes sense.
It is good that we can mourn these creatures who share our lives and that we have the emotional capacity to do so. I'm glad that J was thoughtful and kind to you.
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Re: Empty Space
#2: June 18, 2019, 04:50:40 AM
Aw Silver, I'm so sorry to hear about E.  It's hard to lose a friend like that.  They are part of the family.
I'm sure the kids will be sad too so {{hugs}} for everyone.   :'(

With my last 2 dogs, after they passed away, I put their dog tags on a chain around my neck and still took them for walks.   :) 
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Re: Empty Space
#3: June 18, 2019, 05:00:02 AM
Sorry about E Silver.
I know that was hard my friend. I have a dog that is 15. I know her time is short. I just try not to think about it.
I'm glad you have J too my friend. It helps to have someone that will be there for you.
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Re: Empty Space
#4: June 18, 2019, 06:15:53 AM
Silver,

I am so sorry about E. There is something about a pet that has accompanied us through the MLC times that makes them extra special to us, a kind of "hold" on our own sanity if you will.... I know that when the time comes for mine to cross the Rainbow Bridge (hopefully many years from now), it will be REALLY hard for me.
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Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
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Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Re: Empty Space
#5: June 18, 2019, 06:56:42 AM
Yes sorry to hear this.

My take is that as life moves along many events happen that involve my
children and ex-w.
Both of my parents have passed away and ex's father, her mother is in the hospital with stage 4 cancer.

And then there are the good things like the birth of my grand daughter and now we just celebrated her 1 year old birthday.
Also the marriage of both of my children.
So as life goes along you have to deal with all these events.
The same will be true for you.

Be the BEST DAD you can be and really all the rest will fall into place.
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Re: Empty Space
#6: June 18, 2019, 07:12:56 AM
Sorry about E. It is always a blow to lose our pets.

As I have been at this for so long, I have lost many pets along the way - I have just one dog, approaching 10 years old this year, who has been with us all the way through. She is my daughter's dog, so I guess this loss when it comes, will be felt more by her. I worry a little, though, because d24 is about to embark on a 10 month work/study experience in Ireland and I just hope the dog will still be here when she comes back!

So glad that J was able to support you - I think the worse thing for me has been having to face all these rainbow bridge events alone.

Take care Silver
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Re: Empty Space
#7: June 18, 2019, 10:06:24 AM
Hugs friend. Losing a pet, which is really part of the family, is so hard. I am happy you had J there to support you. And that xw was kind about it.

Interesting that you speak of empty space as I am alone this week as well. S12 is in the mountains with his buddies all week. It's nice b/c I am able to do what I want and not be constricted to timelines. But then, after everything is done, and I am sitting there alone, that is when the "thinkies" come around. Definitely part of the process that I struggle with the most--how to be alone and to be ok with  it.
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Re: Empty Space
#8: June 18, 2019, 11:32:15 AM
I'm sorry to hear that too. I agree with thunder, they are part and parcel as any other family member. I just had a friend lose a cat a few days ago too. We lost our first one years ago, only 3 years old. I have 3 more now and I hope they last a long time.. It's hard letting go, but it's also good to be thankful for the memories.
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Re: Empty Space
#9: June 18, 2019, 01:46:30 PM
Hello,

Sorry about the loss of your pet. I know it is part of life, but that doesn't mean we have to like it. Kind of like the mlc garbage, we accept it, but don't have to like it.

I am glad that you support standing even though you are no longer standing. I am remarried and my stand ended years ago. What brought you to stop your stand?

How do you feel about the current relationship you are now in?

Do you see yourself getting remarried?

Just interested,

Ready
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