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Author Topic: My Story Empty Space

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My Story Re: Empty Space
#10: June 19, 2019, 05:17:25 AM
Thank you all, your kind words and support mean so much to me.

Helping, I wish many good and healthy days to your old boy/girl.
UM, absolutely correct. E made my move to my own flat much easier as I didn't have to be alone there at weeks when kids are not with me. He kept me moving at my bad days too, literally, which had a huge effect as I couldn't choose just wallowing alone at home. He was out of MLC reach, represented loyality etc.
OP, I keep your words in my heart. Doing my best.
Mitzpah, wishing healthy days and years to your (D's) dog too and to your cats as well gman. My 1st W had 2 siamese cats at 90s, they were pain in the a** tbh  :o Wish yours let you sleep...
KIT, I recognize the feeling, I am ok when alone, learned to enjoy my own time but at times those thinking moments are tough.

Ready, you asked interesting questions. Not really sure but I guess I made a choice at the end of the summer last year. I had a conversation with XW at parking lot in her car (before my R with J). It wasn't much longer than 6 months since divorce. I asked her if she sees us together again one day. She couldn't answer to it but made clear that she is not willing to risk her 'good relationship with OM' bc 'there is no guarantee that we would succeed if we reconciliated'  :o :o (oh really??) I asked her if she loved OM and she answered 'yes I do, he is a decent guy'.
I said that I heard enough and calmly got out of her car and was really down and confused for the rest of the day.

I guess after that I decided that I refuse to be a plan B for a 'decent guy' he has been together with 6 months. After all we had together. MLC or not, I didn't feel like I could do that and have my self respect and dignity at same time, so I chose me. I decide to be done and to see her as a mother of my kids and try to make as good relationship as co parent with her as I can. The decision was kind of sad but very liberating too. We are free to choose, like they were when they stepped out of the relationship, but we have to choose. Being in the middle is standing still in my opinion.

My R with J has been honest, I told her from the start the situation and never promised her anything about the future and she has been ok with that. She would deserve more than I can give but she has a freedom to choice too and this far she chose to be with me. I told her that I would'n blame her if she walked and chose someone who can invest more into the relationship than I can at this moment for I am balancing between my own space and time and relationship time (no, not MLCish space but space to feel and think whatever comes, space to keep recovering and healing).
This is the only way to go right now. But I like her really much, we are at same level in so many ways and I'm feeling easy to be with her. That's all I can say really, time will tell.

No I don't see myself getting remarried, been twice and that's enough. I'm happy with the rings I already have - the metal one with the cross in it and the silver one. That's all I need.






   








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"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

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Re: Empty Space
#11: June 19, 2019, 05:25:44 AM
Hi Silver, I’m so sorry to hear the loss of your loyal four legged friend...
This, too, takes time to recover from, I’m sure. ((((((HUGS))))))

I’m glad that you are still sharing your story.  It shows your healing process and coming to terms with the new normal.  Thank you for that.

I think you are wise in how you deal with the new R.   What I read is that you are 2 mature independent people that have learned much from your respective life experiences. 

Wishing you nothing but the very best.
God bless.
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Re: Empty Space
#12: June 19, 2019, 05:43:11 AM
Silver - I am sorry to read of the loss of your fur baby.  As others have said, it seems especially hard when it's a pet that goes through this crisis with us. 

Your insight on your relationship with J is good.  I am glad you have been very upfront with her about where you are currently at.   
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Re: Empty Space
#13: June 20, 2019, 12:39:04 AM
Thank you, Acorn. You have guided me since the very beginning, in many ways. Hugs my friend.

still, thank you, nice to see you  :) I have lost your thread, do you still have one?? What happened to pole building? Is mrs 6 Surnames still in picture??

I have tried to get accustomed dogless home. Somehow, after the shock I can already see that this was maybe the best for E. He was rather old and now he lived in good shape almost until the end. And the end was quick, happened at home while I was there and kids weren't, which is good too I believe. It would have been even bigger shock to them. Maybe it's easier for them this way after all though it will hurt them when they hear the news. I myself am fine, it was his time and that's it.  I am letting myself mourn him as long as needed. He lives in my heart for the rest of my life, so much good memories about him and our time together will live on. But I am fine. Will I get a new dog is a tough choice, not perhaps soon anyway but as a dog person I really have used to live with at least one dog at home for very long time so we'll see...

Empty space shouldn't be filled too soon for I believe it has it's function, in this matter too.














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"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

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Re: Empty Space
#14: June 20, 2019, 04:27:30 AM
Silver

You are such a wise Man. I like your recent post and have been sad about ‘E’ but your positive outlook about the children not being there, you being with him and it being quick is the best way to look at it.

As a new puppy owner I know how deep the feelings are and we previously had 2 cats die so I really understand. When our last cat died it was so sad but having to tell the children was the worst part, my then age 8 D said ‘but she’s so cute’ although I had been saying for a while that the cat was quite old trying to prepare them. They needed the day off school and we bought a smaller easier pet that day to help us through. It worked a bit. I also got them a photo of the cat put on a little cushion so they could cuddle that which was well received. I know you won’t underestimate this loss for the children and them getting used to their new normal again.

Empty space is a great title, or I suppose it’s really ‘E’mpty Space 🐾
Rose 🌹
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Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

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Re: Empty Space
#15: June 23, 2019, 11:06:40 PM
Thank you Rose,

Love to read how you dealed with your children when you lost a pet. You're such a good mum, my friend.
Yes I guess Empty Space is partially 'E'mpty Space, there are literally empty spaces at where he used to sleep, where his cups were etc.
Surprisingly though, I already have partly used to him not being there, even it's not more than a week when he left. I guess I was readied myself for long time to this, knowing his age.
I even started to have thoughts about new dog, this soon  ::) I'm not going to probably soon anyway, if I ever will but you never know  :)

Journaling

Kids and XW got home from their trip at saturday night. XW didn't tell them about E before sunday morning after a good night sleep they had. Wise choice in my opinion.
At sunday morning D11 sent me a Whatsapp message how sad she was to hear about the dog. As S5 woke up and heard the news, they got video call to me. They asked questions about E, D11 was crying, S5 was very sad too obviously but like 5 year old energetic child only can, few moments later he was already showing me toys they got from the trip  ;D

Kids were supposed to come to me today, at monday after my workday but we changed the plan a little with XW as they wanted to visit me sunday evening already. XW brought them to my place for couple of hours and even offered to pick them up later so I didn't have to drive  :o We talked about E and how it happened, they sat on my lap both and I showed them some pics about E that I took right after he passed away. May sound questionable for some, but I knew it would help them to process about what happened and as the dog looked very peaceful, like sleeping (he was put into his bed with his blanket), I wanted to give that image to them as well. Like it wasn't anything horrible, he just left peacefully. For most parts it was the truth too, there wasn't really a big drama, everything happened so fast. I'm positive I did the right choice to show them some of the pics, I showed few to XW too when she arrived. The visit was good, we had some fun too and I'm sure it's much easier for them to come to our home today when I'm picking them up after work.

So much for E, may him rest in peace, forever loved.

For more MLCish topic, I tested my detachment level a little couple of days ago. I haven't been FB friend with XW and I'm definitely not with OM  ::) For some reason as I was just surfing around in FB, I searched OM's profile. Not much information there for non-friends but I saw him updated his profile picture (which seems to be public) just a day or two ago. Pic was nothing special, very normal prof pic, but for some reason I decided to look if XW had liked it. So I did and of course she was, with heart. After that in comments they even shared couple of sappy 'love you, love you too' type comments. I noticed that it didn't touch me that much, I wasn't like down, but it didn't feel neutral either. That kind of stuff still triggers me, can't say badly or for long time but they still do. Maybe it's only natural for LBS not to wish all the best for your MLC spouse and her/his new partner, I accept that. But have to admit, it would have been really nice to notice no reaction in me at all  ::) Too early for that I guess. XW did have her ring back on yesterday too and she looked relaxed and well. So I guess they are doing fine with each other, thinking of kids, it is good bc she is obviously more relaxed with them too.

I think it is time for me to name OM for something else, bc other man just isn't the right word anymore in my case. Just like I switched MLCer to XW before.
Is there any decent abbreviation in English, how do you call your X's new spouse in general, like in real world, not in Lala land cases?
   

 
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Re: Empty Space
#16: June 24, 2019, 01:39:37 AM

For more MLCish topic, I tested my detachment level a little couple of days ago. I haven't been FB friend with XW and I'm definitely not with OM  ::) For some reason as I was just surfing around in FB, I searched OM's profile. Not much information there for non-friends but I saw him updated his profile picture (which seems to be public) just a day or two ago. Pic was nothing special, very normal prof pic, but for some reason I decided to look if XW had liked it. So I did and of course she was, with heart. After that in comments they even shared couple of sappy 'love you, love you too' type comments.


I noticed that it didn't touch me that much, I wasn't like down, but it didn't feel neutral either. That kind of stuff still triggers me, can't say badly or for long time but they still do. Maybe it's only natural for LBS not to wish all the best for your MLC spouse and her/his new partner, I accept that. But have to admit, it would have been really nice to notice no reaction in me at all  ::) Too early for that I guess. XW did have her ring back on yesterday too and she looked relaxed and well. So I guess they are doing fine with each other, thinking of kids, it is good bc she is obviously more relaxed with them too.

I am not sure if one EVER has NO reaction at all.... even when I saw xW1 after 16 years with her H... 5? there was a bit of a

reaction....
I think it is time for me to name OM for something else, bc other man just isn't the right word anymore in my case. Just like I switched MLCer to XW before.
Is there any decent abbreviation in English, how do you call your X's new spouse in general, like in real world, not in Lala land cases?

Hmmmm ... Maybe ... Twatwaffle? Or in his case, he is H3, right? Third one?
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Re: Empty Space
#17: June 24, 2019, 04:33:01 AM
Catching up, Silver. So sorry about E.
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Together 28 years, married 27
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BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
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My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

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Re: Empty Space
#18: June 24, 2019, 05:30:11 AM
CH (current husband)?
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Re: Empty Space
#19: June 24, 2019, 05:36:36 AM
Thanks UM, PJ, Treasur

Twatwaffle?? That would be better than Other man?  ;D
Guy is not husband yet (at least what I know) but soon to be maybe. So maybe he is STBHOXWFKAMLCER (Soon to be husband of ex wife formerly known as midlife criser).
You can still send me suggestions though, haven't decided yet.

 
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