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Author Topic: My Story Empty Space

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My Story Re: Empty Space
#20: June 24, 2019, 06:32:44 AM
Silver

Ha ha.

How about XW’s BF?

I am glad you showed the children a photo of E. When it happened with us we all saw the cat after she died before H took her to the vet for cremation. It really helped and I asked S fairly recently again if he thought it helped and he said yes it really helped so I think you did the right thing. Good on you thinking straight in a mini crisis (most things are ‘mini’ now compared with this crisis). 

E 🙏

Rose 🌹
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Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

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Re: Empty Space
#21: June 28, 2019, 01:30:50 AM
Thank you Rose,

Doesn't BF stand for 'best friend'?
Well maybe they are that too now  :o

Journaling

E's remains arrived in beautiful small urn, wish I could post a pic... it's grey, sealed (I think, don't want to open it anyway...) one with painted paw on it. It's funny but getting it was like getting something of him back, well I did literally but you know what I mean don't you?  ::)
I was thinking first about digging him a grave, perhaps to our summer cottages where my primary family's 1st dog is buried too. But thinking again, I think I just keep him at home, with me and us. Have to find a decent place for the urn though, not sure if it took much of a fall to floor to break and having 5 yo energetic child there are obviously some risks in the house  ;D

I've recovered fine from losing E, I wrote to his breeder and told the news, she was sorry of course but pointed that (almost) 12 year dog is relatively old and that most of his siblings have already crossed the bridge. She thanked us for giving him a loving home and I thanked her for co operation.

I'm thinking about getting a new dog already  ::) but that's not something should do in hurry really. There's always the fact that life without dog would be much simpler to me as I'm living by myself every other week etc. Then there's always the puppy phase, which is rather time consuming and tiring as well, though they ARE so cute as puppies  ;D Then again.. having lived with the dog(s) for decades, it's not that easy to be without either, dog person is a dog person and there would be space for a small one at our home...
Life is full of choices and for this one, consequenses will be purely on me (unlike in MLCer's thinking)  ;D

XW has been quite nice to me, which is maybe 'new her' but tbh I sense monster still sleeping inside. More probable explanation is that as we have several mediation appointments coming, regarding where we will put kids to school in the future as she is obviously planning move together with OM (not far but we have to reconsider kids' schools anyway then) she tries to keep things calm between us. That's okay and I really hope we will find a solution to the school subject without having to start fighting about custody. Some may remember that just few months ago we sat at social worker's office at the appointment that XW made and she would want to change primary parent agreement (for her moving plans obviously) as her benefit. Social worker asked me if I agree to do it and I said absolutely not, there is not one reason to me to give up S5's primary parency. She then said that they can't do anything about it and XW broke down right at the meeting... I told then that if she insists having primary parency for S5, after the agreement WE BOTH AGREED an year ago, she has to do it by the court, that I'm ready for it but won't prefer it because it will cost a lot of money for both of us and wouldn't actually improve our relationship as co parents.

That's when social worker sent us to mediation process which has now started, mediator met XW already once and will see me (alone) next week and at august both of us together 2 times. If no agreement is found, she either has to deal with the fact that if she moves, she has more kilometers to drive to take and pick up S5 (who will be 6 when school starts) to/from school, which would be designated by the fact that S5 officially lives with me OR take the whole custody stuff to court which I don't quite think she would do, but never know. I am ready for it if that's what it takes.
So there are decisions ahead with this one as well.
 
I still feel (minor and brief) bursts of anger at times when I see her. Not every time but can't deny the fact that happier she lookes, the more easily all those feelings of how unfair everything was etc. come back. It's stupid in a way bc if she feels good or even ok, she is better mom as well to our kids. But I've been thinking the best way to cope those feelings is not to deny them either, nor try to force them going away. My strategy is from mindfulness concept, I acknowledge the feeling and welcome it and if I'm alone, I speak out loud how I feel, in a neutral but honest way. Usually doesn't take more than few minutes to be good again and able to keep on doing whatever I am doing. It's a good strategy.

2 weeks work and then 4 weeks off! Summer holiday in sight, waiting for it.

Have a as good weekend as possible, all you brave beautiful LBS persons where ever you are.  8)






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"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

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Re: Empty Space
#22: June 28, 2019, 02:45:01 AM
Silver

I thought it meant boy friend and gf for girl friend but you are probably right, oops!

You sound good
Must dash
Rose 🌹
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Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

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Re: Empty Space
#23: June 28, 2019, 02:47:28 AM
BF/GF is normally Boy/Girl Friend.... NOT to be confused with BFF (Best Friends Forever) or TGB/TBF (Toxic Girl/Boy Friends)
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Empty Space
#24: June 28, 2019, 04:43:19 AM
 :o I'll let him stay OM, way easier that way  ;D
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"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

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Re: Empty Space
#25: June 28, 2019, 06:02:59 AM
Quote
.But I've been thinking the best way to cope those feelings is not to deny them either, nor try to force them going away. My strategy is from mindfulness concept, I acknowledge the feeling and welcome it and if I'm alone, I speak out loud how I feel, in a neutral but honest way. Usually doesn't take more than few minutes to be good again and able to keep on doing whatever I am doing. It's a good strategy.   

I love the way you handle the bumps on the road, Silver.
Practising mindfulness is something you and I picked up in our LSBS journey and has helped us immensely.  Like you, I go to it when I’m under pressure of any kind - work and all human relationships.

I’m glad you are keeping up with it as I think mindfulness is one of the best ways to learn to respond and not react, to acknowledge one’s emotions authentically and not bury them, to open the pressure valve on pent up aggravation. 
((((((((HUGS)))))))))), my dear friend.  :)
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« Last Edit: June 28, 2019, 06:07:24 AM by Acorn »
My first thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8164.150

My reconnecting thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10524.msg699615#msg699615

Live-in MLCer

Feb 2015: BD. 
Oct 2015: ILYBINILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

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Re: Empty Space
#26: July 07, 2019, 11:45:40 PM
Thank you Acorn, you are so right about that, we can't run away from our emotions, but we can learn to deal with them. You have done it so well since the beginning, just one of the reasons you are so important example to so many here, my dear friend.

Journaling

I had my first appointment in mediation, which should be focused on concrete plans like where children will go to school if she moves from her current place. I met the mediator without XW, whose appointment already took place. Next appointments will be for us together in few weeks. Mediator emailed us a draft which included what we both want to put in the agreement. Most of XW's lines were appropriate stuff but the last one was something like "no speaking about our divorce anymore as it has an influence on our relationship as parents". I shouldn't "blackmail" or "threaten" her either anymore  :o :o :o That tells a lot of her thinking, since divorce every single thing we disagree about turns into drama in her mind and she starts use words "blackmail" or "threaten" or "preventing her to go on, be happy" or whatever. That's why she had a breakdown at winter when we had appointment in social official. She thinks that she should never have signed a contract about sharing primary parency and that was the worst mistake in her life. Social worker then asked me if I'm willing to make changes to that contract (about primary parency) and I told her that I have absolutely no reason to do that and the only way she can get primary parency for both of the kids is going to court (which would be really hard and expensive thing to do and may just end either way).

Just look this from my view for a while... My W started to seek replacement to me, her H, in her crisis, which included EVERY single phase and script from the MLC -playbook. In very short timeline she found several guys to alienate her one way or another. She told me back then that she can't think about kids in her choices and that they will be ok anyway, as kids always do and people divorce which is normal etc. She knew that my ONLY GOAL was to keep our family together and stay married. She started D process as I found out about her planning to set a date with her dentist, blaming me being paranoid etc. She told be then that she has now right to do anything she wants to and so do I, because that's how she think 6 months thinking time before D can get official is for  :o  I found out about her EA (at least) with another OM couple of months after that, nothing ambiguous in it, and still she denied it all and blamed me being controlling, jealous and paranoid. She opportunistically used my fear and weakness (I snooped her) to entitle her leave AND not that's not all, she made a police report about me too which ended me to pay several hundred of euros to her as compensation - bc I broke the law by snooping her phone.

She "found" current OM surprisingly IMMEDIATELY after our D got official (sure he wasn't involved while we were still married, right??) and the guy stepped into my kids life, in the situation when they should have been given at least few months to adapt to new situation, living in two homes etc. XW didn't care any of that, to her the most important thing seemed to be to "move on" fast. Now they are engaged and I'm pretty sure married too very soon if I know my X spouse at all.  Fine, nothing of that is my business anymore, but as she seems to think that I should sign something like SILENCE AGREEMENT now about everything that happened or let her decide about kids schools etc, however she wants to, where ever she plans to move.

Well... I just don't think so  ;D

It's true that we have got along with all the everyday stuff relating to kids in last 2 months, much better than before. But in the big picture, not much has changed, she still is entitled to do anything and feels free to blame me about anything.

Sorry for the rant, needed to get that out of my system.

 
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"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

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Re: Empty Space
#27: July 08, 2019, 01:37:43 AM
Well... I just don't think so  ;D
Neither do I! She is a dreamer mate!
Sorry for the rant, needed to get that out of my system.
No Need to apologise, its totally unfair for her to ask for you to be silenced, your not a dog  :-\
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Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

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Re: Empty Space
#28: July 08, 2019, 08:09:01 AM
Silver

Rants R us! That’s what we’re here for. And we completely agree and get it.

I still can’t believe she got you charged for snooping.

Well... I just don’t think so

Yip, that just about covers it.
Rose 🌹
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Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

K
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Re: Empty Space
#29: July 08, 2019, 12:23:47 PM
That tells a lot of her thinking, since divorce every single thing we disagree about turns into drama in her mind and she starts use words "blackmail" or "threaten" or "preventing her to go on, be happy" or whatever.

Yes Silver, every time you disagree with her, you mess up her fantasy that ALL will be perfect after the D. She is still looking for someone to blame for her unhappiness. You are the best person for that!!

Please do rant away. The selfishness and hypocrisy of all of this is crazy at times.
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Me 49
H 47
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

 

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