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Author Topic: My Story Empty Space

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My Story Re: Empty Space
#70: January 20, 2020, 07:12:14 AM
Hello,

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I didn't remember what I wrote in my last update, reading it now I see that I was struggling especially with OM involved in my childrens' life more and more.

To be fair, I never had OM in my children's lives. My youngest talked to him on the phone once and wasn't that impressed. My oldest never met or spoke to him and has stated she would knee him in the groin if given the opportunity.

In my new situation, I have two new kids. They are both very kind to me and respectful. We have done things together and I have given advice, but I am not their father. It is just understand and being respectful. Then again, their father cheated and left their mother. They have both told me that they love the fact that I have made their mother a happy person and that means the most to them.

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I fear of becoming bitter (maybe I am already) and getting stucked in this. I would love to be able to forgive her, even she never asked that for as she probably won't. That would be a huge step to me to go on with my life. Where and how to get it, I have no idea. Maybe I'd need someone's help with that.


There is a good book called "Forgiveness is a Choice." It is a great place to start. To be honest, I have not totally forgiven my ex either. I have come a long way and like posted elsewhere, it is like layers that need to be slowly pulled back. However, I am in such a good place now that my heart and mind are in a different place.

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What I still hunger is apologize about her way to do it by lying, cheating emotionally me and making me look like bad guy.

To be honest, I never expected an apology from my Ex It is not in her DNA. After the divorce, I have only seen her four times over the past six years. Maybe three phone calls regarding finances or the kids. Then just a few months ago, my Ex called me and told me she was sorry. She said she was sorry for everything. That moved a lot of layers. So, I don't know. It was a step in the right direction and I have felt much better about us ever since.

One thing is that you can't control her at all, and neither can she control you. Now, she is just another person in the world. Her thoughts and feelings about you are no longer valid. My advice is to be a great father and live your life without her in your heart or your head. Put the people that matter the most- your kids, J, and the others that are happy to have you in their lives.

You will be just fine. ((((Hugs))))

Ready



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"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

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Re: Empty Space
#71: January 20, 2020, 08:15:47 AM
Hi Silver, gad to see you back posting.

I hope you can find a way to forgive her. On many levels and it will help you as well. Those feelings of anger and bitterness, although perhaps necessary to allow us to process all that has happened, in the end don't do us any good.

Yes, divorce is really damaging to our children, no matter what age. We just continue to be the stable parent for them.

My adult daughter said something over the holidays that I thought very wise, she grieves the father that she once had and accepts the one she has now. I know he cares about her, but he spends very little time with her, almost none really and that to me still indicates that something is so terribly wrong with them.

Try not to let the "fighting" get to you...it is a few people who ruin it for so many many others.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

A
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Re: Empty Space
#72: January 20, 2020, 10:12:20 AM
((((((HUGS))))))) Silver.

You will get there, given TIME.  You recognize the negative elements (e.g. anger, resentment) you wish to discard.   That, my friend, is a big step forward.  They eat you up if you hold on to them as you know. 

Apologies...  Do I understand you want that from your ex!  I’m quite confident that your need for her apologies will shrink as time goes on, if my experience means anything.  Things (e.g. apologies) that I had thought were important during my H’s crazy time in MLC land, I can hardly remember them any longer.  Your priorities and concerns will shift about until they naturally fall into place, given ...... TIME. 

All the best with your R with your kids and J!

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« Last Edit: January 20, 2020, 10:17:27 AM by Acorn »
My first thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8164.150

My reconnecting thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10524.msg699615#msg699615

Live-in MLCer

Feb 2015: BD. 
Oct 2015: ILYBINILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

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Empty Space
#73: March 03, 2020, 05:18:53 PM
Hey Silver, I haven't been around much myself either.  Good to hear from you!
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M-42
H-44
S-20 (mine)
D-18 (ours)
S-15 (ours)
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17 (told me 4 days before)
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
New GF 2/29/20 (Told me 4/22/20)
Marrying her 4/24/20 (Told me 4/22/20)

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11404.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

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Empty Space
#74: July 30, 2020, 06:00:41 AM
How are things Silver?

Hope you are doing ok.

Rose 🌹
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Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

 

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