Author Topic: My Story It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me - and I'm feeling good  (Read 1215 times)

Offline EnyoTopic starterTopic starter

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New Thread – As this is only my second thread could one of the moderators please link and lock my other thread – not sure how you do that.  I won’t bother updating at my history as my bullet points are below.  Had trouble naming my new thread as I am not very imaginative but was listening to Nina Simone whilst walking the dog and this line from Feeling Good seemed to fit.

Dogwalker
Good to hear from you and thanks for the advice.  My dog is doing great – can’t believe she has just turned 3.  Her dog sitters held a birthday party for her (they are mad as hatters!) and sent me lots of photos!   They do this often as I regularly come home to a ‘doggie’ party bag with liver birthday cake and dog treats (for the dog).  They ordered her a birthday cake for me and asked my what sort they should order – I just said one of the liver cakes, but they meant which design - a dog bowl, a bone - a fairy castle – I very nearly said SHE’S A DOG! but what I actually said ‘What would you suggest’ to which they answered ‘We'll order her something pink and blingy - She likes pink and bling’ – so apparently my mud swimming, manure rolling dog is a closet girly dog and I never knew!But at least I know she is well looked after whilst I am at work.

Thanks Acorn and Nerissa for your comments on MLCers relationship with their children.  My sons don’t seem too concerned about their relationship, or lack thereof, with H as they maintain they are too busy living their own lives and not really interested in him or his anymore – something for me to learn here I think.

Well this weekend has taught me two things.  1. I am not as detached as I thought and 2. I obviously have some expectations left.

I was really spooked that H hadn’t contacted me just to let me know that he would be around on Sunday.  It has been at least 18 months since he has arranged something with the boys without just dropping me a curtesy text to let me know what was happening – even if I wasn’t involved.  This weekend I got nothing.  In fact it has been around 10 weeks since I have seen him and even though he spoke to me last week it was just a factual conversation and where he would normally be very chatty telling me about his work, how busy he is etc he just kept the conversation to business.  This is usually a sign of guilt and shame so I knew there was something he was hiding / didn’t what me to know.

Not knowing when he was due to arrive on Sunday, I had arranged to go and meet a friend for coffee in the morning then I would nip back home and scoop up the dog and go over to see my parents on Fathers Day.  I had no intention seeing H.

S27 had already told H he wouldn’t be around as he was playing cricket, S26 stayed out on Saturday night and I didn’t know when he would be back so I just left the house empty when I went to meet my friend. 

Sunday evening I arrived home and S26 was in.  He asked where I had been (I had told him but he hadn’t listened apparently), I asked how long he had been in, thinking he may have spent the afternoon with H but no – they had gone out to dinner then for a beer and H dropped S26 home within 1.5 hours of picking him up.  I thought this was strange - why travel up (a journey of around 3 hours from spa town or up to 5 hours from soulless town) just to spend 1.5 hours with your son then go back - After dropping S26 off H did travel the hour to see S27 play cricket but it was rained off and S27 said that H stayed around 10 minutes before setting off home.

I said ‘Oh did he come up from Spa Town then’ thinking that would be the shorter journey and S27 told me that H planned to move back to Spa Town soon but S26 said ‘No, he has been in the Lake District for a weekend walking and just called in on the way home’.  The Lake District in 1 hour north of my home and even without proof I know that he was up there with OW as her new hobby is apparently fell walking.

This really got to me.  The Lake District was mine and H's ‘place’, the place we ran to for a break and peace.  I have been going to the Lakes since I was small child with my parents who were/are keen fell walkers and even now in their late 80s they still enjoy walking the fells.  I introduced H to the Lakes when we first met and bought him his first walking boots.  He could have taken her to the Darbyshire Dales, the Peak District or even Wales but no he has taken her to the Lakes and for some reason this has really got to me.

So …..
Expectations
•   I obviously harboured expectations that as we have been talking on friendly terms recently that this would continue.
•   I had expected H to continue to try to reconnect with our sons as this was his stated intension, but they have now gone back to being an afterthought, a killing two birds with one stone thing.  This very short visit was only the 3rd time this year he has seen them.
•   That as OW seemed to have been out of the picture for a while now that he may be moving on from that.

Detachment
•   Not as detached as I thought as I was anxious as to why he hadn’t contacted me
•   Finding out he had taken her to the Lakes was like a kick in the gut and I had a bit of a meltdown.  Got over it by the next day and actually it could have been the push I needed to ignore him and his life completely, hence the new title of me thread - still working on the feeling good bit though. 

I thought I was already ignoring him and just living my life but as S27 pointed out during my meltdown, ‘I know you are getting on with your life mum, but you do sometimes seem to have an eye on dad and what he is doing, you need to close that eye – he will do what he will do anyway so it is better not to know’ wise words.

He then went on to tell me that I should divorce him and find myself someone else!!!  Tempting but
•   This not my mess to clean up - and I don't feel I need to waste my emotional energy on driving a divorce that would be inconvenient for me.
•   If I do decide to file for divorce I want it to be a considered decision on a firm emotional foundation and not a kneejerk reaction to something H has done, or an ‘I’ll show him’ – which we all know would have no effect and wouldn't make me feel any better.
•   I have no need to file as I am financially independent and rely on H for nothing and by not filing I get to live in my lovely house with my lovely garden.
•   If we divorce we would have to sell the house as it is a joint asset, I would however have enough to buy myself a nice house somewhere mortgage free however should we eventually divorce, I would want to move about 40 miles from where I currently live closer to my family and the hills and moving now would increase my commute to work time from 10 mins to around 55 mins adding at least an hour and a hour onto my working day. Alternatively I would need to give up work – which I don’t want to do at the moment as I am enjoying the extra income I am currently earning – I know there are only so many pairs of shoes a girl can wear but I am aiming to reach that critical amount before I retire!

So good reasons for staying put. 

How did I know he was in the Lakes with OW and not just on his own?  Even though H loves the Lakes he has no sense of direction.  If he wanted to (say) walk up Scafell Pike he would have no idea which valley to start walking from let alone where in the Lakes Scafell Pike was in relation to anywhere else – so not gone up on his own.  Nor has he gone up with his new friends as 1. he doesn’t have any new friends, or friends at all really and 2. if he had they would have been with him when he visited S26.

Oh and apparently H has moved into his basement flat in Spa Town (4th move in 3 years)- he has bought this - and he has also signed a lease on a house share, renting a room in a house in soulless town.  He just mentioned it in passing to S26 and this is the first time he hasn't told any of us his new address.

Thank you for reading along
Enyo X

Link to previous thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8688.0
« Last Edit: June 18, 2019, 08:58:24 AM by Mitzpah »
Me 61
MLCer 58
M37 years, Together 39 years
S28 & S26
BD Aug/Sept 15
Moved Out Aug16

Offline Anon

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Attaching, Enyo 😎. 

Offline dogwalker

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Attaching matey.
You sound good and you plan makes perfect
Logical sense to me. I guess the new house
When it comes will need a shoe room too lol

Keep doing what you do.
Take care DW

Offline stillbaffled

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Attaching.

My young adult sons also told me to "close that eye" as well, Enyo.  That was some time ago.  Once in awhile I forget but I've gotten much better about just looking the other way. 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Hi Enyo,

They are seriously .... uhmmmmm .... well, let's just say that the elevator doesn't quite reach the top floor, does it?

Ah, if it were only as easy as S27 makes it sound, right? Of course, then WE'D be the Mid-Lifer....  ::)  Instead, unlike them, we are a work in progress...

UM
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Mitzpah

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Enyo,

I had to LOL at the dog sitters holding a party for your dog! It must be comforting to know that she is well cared for while you are at work.

Nodding my head at your reflections on the latest.

Detachment and expectations - even as far on as I am, detachment is faulty at times. Expectations have all but gone, taken some hard lessons though. I just find it sad  :( that even in non MLC situations, I am devoid of expectations too, makes life a little "blah", if you ask me...  Maybe I have taken a knock too many and I can't even trust myself :P
M 57
H 57
S 27
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline Nerissa

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I’m sorry to read this. All that would have knocked me back too.  I hope you are feeling a bit better. 

Offline EnyoTopic starterTopic starter

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Hi all.  I have been trying to stay off the forum - I have been listening to Russell Brands book Recovery - I think I had become addicted to logging onto the forum in a mindless way, I have decided I need to be more mindful in my life.  Anyway I am just updating here so I have a timeline – my memory at the moment is pretty rubbish, I have a mental list (maybe I should write it down!) of things to do and when I get round to doing them I am finding that I have done it and I can’t remember actually doing it.  This is unusual for me as I always had a really good memory and can conjure up in my mind’s eye visually doing things – I can still do this for some things but missing others - not sure if I am stressed – though don’t feel it, or if its old age catching up, so I am trying to be more mindful.  I have not mentioned this thing about my memory to anyone – or maybe I have and have forgotten!

Well this month has been a lesson in the one of the 4 agreements for me – DO NOT MAKE ASSUMPTIONS!!

The week after H visited (last post) I had an appointment with my IC and (as she pointed out) I cried more in that session than I had in the previous 2.5 years which is when I started seeing her.  Looks like I sort of turned a corner, the rose coloured glasses are off and whilst I have much compassion for H, and I do love him (or at least the old him) dearly I needed to (as Nerissa and Treasur say) ‘look at the reality in the room’.  Over the last 4 years H has been selfish, self-centred and self-focused, he has made choices and taken decisions which have only taken into account his own interest and no consideration has been given to me, our sons, our family or our marriage – all pretty standard stuff.  However because I can relate to some of what H was/is feeling, saw the initial despair in him and listened as he talked about contemplating suicide I feel that I have not properly held him responsible for his choices and decisions but he is absolutely responsible for the way he has handled his hurt and feelings.

20 years ago (my sons were 6 and 7) I had an area of thickening in one breast for which the biopsies returned positive for cancer and I was told I needed a mastectomy and probably radiotherapy, I then had more tests which came back negative (celebrations all round) – the original biopsies were then rechecked and again there seemed no doubt that it was cancer.  In an effort to prove a false positive I had still more biopsies which again came back positive, and I then have about 1/3 of my breast removed.  This all happened over a period of 10 weeks, during which both I and H were sitting professional exams and with two small sons life was extremely stressful, during this period also the wife of one of Hs friends died of breast cancer (34 yrs) and my mentor (for work) collapsed and died (42yrs).  I was one of the lucky ones because the cells in the mass that was removed proved to be abnormal but not malignant.  I then went into a period of reactive depression, eventually diagnosed was PTSD and during this period I had a strong urge to run (escape) which was very seductive, H couldn’t do right for doing wrong and it was his fault I was feeling so very unhappy, he of course was going through his own trauma’s through all this – one night I actually told H I was leaving him that night, to which he simply said OK, I got in my car with no plan except to escape what I was feeling; I drove to the end of the road before realising I had had two glasses of wine and could well be over the limited, I turned round and went home and said to H ‘I can’t leave tonight because I’ve had too much to drink so I will leave in the morning’  The next day H and my mother sat me down and talked to me and persuaded me to seek help which I did and I slowly (very slowly) recovered.  I had another period of depression leading up to BD - again after some pretty life changing illnesses - the difference this time was that I recognised what was happening, knew the problem was within me and again sought treatment – This time it was H that ran!

Anyway…..

After seeing my IC I scoped up my dog and headed for the hills (literally the lake district) and walked some fells.  It felt wonderful!

Whilst walking I made the decision to really drop the rope, what will be will be and I still had a life to live.  I took the decision to no longer mention H to our sons; ask if he has been in touch etc etc.  He is no longer mentioned in our conversations – until that is that H decides to come and visit the boys again which he did last week.  Again he didn’t contact me – which was OK.  S27 said he felt very uncomfortable about the fact that H had let him know of his intention of coming to watch him play cricket, which he did and he sat and watched the whole 8 hours of the game.  H then disappeared off not saying where he was staying and of course non of us asked.  H came to the house the next lunch time to take S26 for lunch (S26 gave me a 20 min 'heads up' of his arrival),  S26 is agreeing to meet H because he (S26) is going travelling at the end of September and will be away for at least 1 year and even though he doesn’t answer Hs calls and is still really hurt he still wants to maintain a link – H is also paying for the flight!!!

I was pretty p*ss3d off, I didn’t want to have to leave my house just so I didn’t need to interact with him but didn’t want him to think I had nothing better to do (read didn’t have a life without him), I was also p*ss3d that he felt he could just come and spend the weekend with OW (assumption) and just drop by the house and ignore all the hurt of the past 3 years!!!  Consequently I was polite but very cool with him, I made him a drink whilst he waited for S26 to finish getting ready and we had a, very superficial, chat whilst sitting in the garden.  When he dropped S26 back off a couple of hours later he stayed around 15 minutes, caught up with S27 gave everyone hugs except me – but I think my body language would have turned anyone away –then left saying he had a long journey back.  Still no mention of the new flat or where he is living.

I am at the moment not looking to file for divorce, this is not purely a 'let him own his divorce' thing, it suits my purposes to stay in the status quo, I get to stay in the house, I am close to work and have a good social life round where I presently live – why change things.  However having read on some other threads I had begun to doubt my reasoning…. So I call my solicitor (who is a friend who coincidentally I met through OW) for an appointment so I could talk over my decisions and make sure that staying in the status quo wouldn’t be detrimental to me future finances.   

Well from a very reliable source  ;), it seems that I have been making some wild assumptions with the little (and it is very little) bit of information I have.   Yes OW is getting a divorce and her H has sited adultery (this I already knew) and even though OWs H has told everyone that my H was involved, H is not mentioned in the divorce petition.  I have also been told (though not sure I believe it) that it was never a PA just ‘an affair of the mind’.  It seems that H and OW did reconnect last September but if the EA was back on it seems that H has now been what the youth of today call 'Friend Zoned'.  OW is now free to enjoy herself, she is GAL in a big way and - get this - she has a new man friend who she is enjoying ‘getting to know’ this new man is spending time with her cycling (on cycling holidays as well as at home) and training with her, he is more age appropriate ie closer to her age and he is now filling the role H filled at BD – so it seems that H has been side-lined and probably has been for most of this year.  This of course doesn’t mean the end of OW but……

For the last month H has gone very quiet – I didn’t know this as I have stopped asking the boys if they have had contact.  He has gone so quiet that the boys have actually text him to see if he is OK.

I am not reading anything into this and there could be any number of reasons for this.  He could be depressed (in addition to MLC depression I mean) deaths of both MIL and FIL catching up with him, OW withdrawal, burnt out having worked around 100hrs per week for 3 years and moving house 4 times in that period, be busy decorating his new bachelor pad or even be with another women - though I don’t think he is in a healthy enough emotional state to start a new relationship at the moment.
 
After seeing my solicitor I have decided to stay in my status quo, I am in control of most of my income and just letting this play out should not cause me any harm financially.  I will continue living my life, I am calm and at peace and quite happy just to leave H to get on with it.  This doesn’t mean I don’t have compassion for him because I do, he did look weary when he visited last week and had lost a lot of weight – even the boys mentioned it, hope it isn’t anything sinister!

Anyway the moral of this story is DO NOT MAKE ASSUMPTIONS

Enyo X
Me 61
MLCer 58
M37 years, Together 39 years
S28 & S26
BD Aug/Sept 15
Moved Out Aug16

Offline dogwalker

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Hi Enyo
Its good to hear from you. I'm a little like you and not on here so much these days. But I do log on to read updates from the class of 2015 :-)  I'm not sure what you want to hear from me but if I may just say. Keep doing what your doing. As I have said to you before it all makes logical sense to me. I remember the day I really dropped the rope and wasn't faking it and tbh that was the day I started to heal.

Oh how I miss walking those Fells. Sadly my dog isn't well enough to walk them now Arthritis has arrived so walks are now more controlled. Take care my friend. PM if you just need to chat.
 DW

Offline EnyoTopic starterTopic starter

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Hi Dogwalker.  Thanks for popping by. 

Yes I am very lucky - I can be in the Lakes in around 1 hour. I don’t get up there as often as I should but it is really easy for me to take off on the spare of the moment and get my hill fix.  My dog is suffering with the heat at the moment – even though I try to keep her coat (fleece) short she still looks like a teddy bear - so having to walk her early morning and late in the evening when its cooler. 

You are so right – all we can do is just keep on doing what we are doing.  Really easy to do when I don’t see him or have contact but when he pops up it takes a couple of days to reach detachment again, but the time to detachment is getting smaller.

S26 leaves to go traveling in a couple of months (flight tickets booked) and he plans to be away for at least 1 year, I will miss him – he not only lives with me but he works with me as well.  But I have to say I am looking forward to having the house to myself.  It will be the first time since all this ‘stuff’ started that I can feel that I have no responsibilities for anyone other than myself after all S26 will be too far away for me to do anything – it would take me over 24 hours to get there.  I also won’t miss living with a 26 years teenager though; it will be a relief to open a kitchen cupboard and find a glass or a plate and not have to search his room for them!  S27 will continue to come home at weekends but he does his own thing – I might end up doing the occasional load of washing for him and giving him a lift to collect his car after a night out for him but that’s all - apart from having tins of bangers and beans in the cupboard and bread in the freezer - food of athletes apparently.

Just curious – not that it is something that is happening and maybe will never happen for me – but how are your sons dealing with you and your W reconnecting.  I don’t think mine sons would be too impressed if it happened for me.  Even though they both have contact with H (duty contact on their part), they think he is currently a bit of a jerk and that I could do so much better, S26 can’t understand why I haven’t filed for divorce and kicked him to the curb. 

I hope all is well with you and that you are still slowly rebuilding some sort of relationship with your wife.

Enyo X
Me 61
MLCer 58
M37 years, Together 39 years
S28 & S26
BD Aug/Sept 15
Moved Out Aug16

 

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