Author Topic: My Story It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me - and I'm feeling good  (Read 1293 times)

Offline Maleficent

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Hi Enyo, Following along. I can relate to so much of what you have expressed about how you are feeling, and what we choose to do or not do. And it does get difficult to re-detach when they pop up.

I see glimpses of my son in how yours are acting- they are hurt and protecting themselves, and also us in a tiny way. We are nowhere near even a resemblance to reconnecting, but when I asked my son for his opinion about whether to invite H for a big family gathering, or suggest that son ask H's help with his move, he shrugged as if to say why bother. So many different layers of hurt.

Take good care. I am glad it is a new day for you and you are feeling good!
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Offline dogwalker

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Hi Enyo

Snap! I forgot to add to my update last week that S25 moved out 5 weeks ago. His is living with his girlfriend and learning the responsibilities of paying bills, clearing up after himself, washing and ironing etc etc. He seems to be coping ok and doesn’t have so much free time. Me on the other hand seem to have a lot more spare time. The washing machine must thinks its gone into semi-retirement!! Also the utility bills have all dropped and the house stays so much tidier  when I go out to work. I have to admit I did miss him but I also got a sence of achievement when he left. All thro the MLC cr*p I was determined that I would do everything to keep the house and he would be able to leave when he wanted(he has lived in the house all his life) It was a goal and something I was very proud of myself to achieve . Silly I know.. I do feel I can stay or move from here now. The choice is all with me.

With regard to W and me rebuilding they have been fine. They have just left us to get on with it. I think they would have had a similar view to yours but they and everyone can see she is returning back to her old views and ways. The Alien seems to have gone. When we talk and about the time apart and when I have asked her things as to why she said or did things she has either said I don’t remember or I don’t know why I did that I knew it was wrong but couldn’t control or help myself. I have not had a great big Sorry speech and tbh I don’t expect one now. I know she regrets the last 5 years and she is trying to build it all back. I can also see when we get told in the early days they choose someone that is in a far bigger mess then they are. Boy! Did she choose well ?!?!?!? and from that she has learnt to do everything for help. But for know I still take each day as it comes

Take Care DW

Offline EnyoTopic starterTopic starter

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Just updating here so I can keep the timeline.  It may be a ramble!

Since I last updated I haven’t seen or spoken to H.  I think he was still contacting the boys each week but I stopped enquiring so don’t know to what extent. 

Last week S27 (who lives away from home during the week) informed me that H had contracted him and was going up to see him to take him out to dinner last Wednesday.  H also contacted S26 and told him he would be up on Saturday to also take him out.

On Thursday last I travelling down by train to see S27, I was staying the night in a hotel and we were going to Harry Potter World together on Friday – which was great by the way!  When I arrived on Thursday S27 was in a foul mood and I couldn’t get to the bottom of it.  I ‘gathered’ that he and H had had words the night before but S27 wouldn’t go into detail other than to say he refused to be in the middle and if H wanted to talk to me he should contact me directly – he wouldn’t say what H wanted to discuss but just said that he told H that he didn’t care anymore and that H was an idiot for whom he had no respect, he also said that H was concerned that I was not moving on (not sure where he’s got this from), he asked if I was seeing someone and asked if anything changed with me that S27 let him know, S27 said he had told H no as it was no longer any of his business.  This is unusual for S27 as he is normally very measured and respectful, and I thought it was an odd conversation so know I was missing something.  We had a good day at HP world but S27 remained very withdrawn all day.

On Saturday morning S26 was up early – which is very unusual – I had a few errands to run and when I returned with shopping S26 informed that H would be arriving any minute.  At this point S26 was angry about having to go out with him, he was very stressed as he is selling all his worldly possessions to fund his trip to Australia and this wasn’t going smoothly.  He told me he was stressed and ‘Now I have to go out with the ******* (a very rude name which I won’t repeat here’ I replied don’t call him that he is still your father. H phoned S26 from the end of the drive so he didn’t have to call at the house.  Two hours later S26 quickly popped in to collect something before leaving again saying I have a lift to town with dad.  I said so he isn’t coming in then to which S26 replied ‘just firetruck him mum’.

Both boys were unusually home for dinner on Sunday evening – then H rang me. 

The gist of the beginning of the conversation was that he was ringing to ‘come clean’ and to let me know that he and OW were taking their relationship forward and that he thought I ought to know and that not ‘coming clean’ about it was making him ill and ‘everyone’ he has spoken to about it has told him just to be honest.  This is what he had met with the boys to tell them but asked them not to mention it to me before he got the chance to speak to me; they had given him to the end of the weekend to talk to me.  I just said ‘OK - but I was under the impression that she was dating someone else’ H was really very shocked to hear this and asked who was spreading this untrue rumour.  I let him know that I didn’t think it was just a rumour but the information I had came from OWs friend who is also her divorce lawyer.  I went on to tell him that she discussed this with me in an attempt to let me know that OW wasn’t all bad, and that she too had suffered (poor thing) and that H had just been in the right place at the right time to support her in her bad marriage but that now she was very nearly divorced she was enjoying a more amicable relationship with her STBXH and also enjoying socialising with her many new sets of friends, all of which are in there late 30s early 40s and was also enjoying getting to know the new man in her life.  I told H that I had double checked with her what she had said and she was adamant that OW was in a relationship with a man who was not my husband and she had also told me that this new man was the same age as her.  H said that’s not true, I should know she's in a relationship with me.  I ended by saying well I suppose you should know then.

H then went on to tell me that he was in poor mental health and was seeing a therapist – to which I said I hope you are throwing good money at it and using an experienced and well qualified one as I suspect you will need it.  In May he bought a flat in spa town but also rented a room in a House Share in soulless town so he could stay there during the week but he informed me that staying in the house share had proved damaging to his mental health (not sure why) and that he had now given up the room and was commuting daily from Spa town.  I got the distance of the commute wrong in one of my earlier posts, it is actually a more manageable (not) 90 miles each way up the M4 corridor and generally takes him nearly two hours each way.  He said he has to leave his flat by 5am and doesn’t return till about 9pm, to which I repeated ‘H that was your choice’.  He says he is considering what to do about his job, they are putting pressure on him, and he was under tremendous stress at work which again was damaging to his mental health - he was at the point where he thought that he would need to take some time off because of the stress levels or leave the job if they didn’t get rid of him first.  He has saddled himself with a large mortgage and even taking into account his large salary with the cost of commuting it seems like he is not exactly struggling but needs to keep this job to keep his head above water – more stress.

He then went on to tell me that I had no idea what he has been going through mentally over the last 3/4 years and that his life isn’t fun ‘like you imagine’, that he is really struggling, I could hear him pouring wine at this point.  I’m afraid I didn’t just listened (not such a good LBS after all) but told him that I had some idea what he had been going through as I had been there too, that the last 3 years had been the lowest point of my life – he said he was in that place now – I did also point out that at least he was living with the consequences of his choices and that he had made those choices without regard to anyone elses needs or feeling – he admitted to having made some ‘very stupid decisions’ – I then went on to point out that I was also living with the consequences of his choices only I wasn’t given a choice, I just had to suck it up.  Justification then kicked in then and he told me he hadn’t been happy for years and had to leave, to which I said ‘So instead of discussing your unhappiness with me you thought that a better option for addressing it was lies, deceit and adultery?’ I know I shouldn’t engage but sometimes I can’t resist a swipe.

What also came out in our talk is that OW is playing the victim.  My very close friend who has seen me through this time in my life has met OW MIL whilst dog walking.  My friend greatly admires this elderly lady who she says is 93, sharp as a tack, a formidable personality and still walks her dog, in fact her elderly dog has just passed away and she has taken on another elderly rescue dog.  When last October this lady started talking how upset she was that her son was getting divorced, that she was worried how it would affect her grandsons and extremely upset and angry she was that the family house was having to be sold (it was her family house) she mentioned her daughter-in-law (DIL), who she hasn’t got a good word for, by name (which is an unusual foreign name) my friend realised she was talking about OW.  She stopped this lady and said before you go any further you need to know that I am friends with the wife of the man you DIL is seeing, she said she did mention how upsetting this whole thing had been for me and my sons and that we too had been collateral damage.  Since then my friend informs me that neither of them have mentioned me or H, in my friends words OW MIL is more interested in her son, grandsons and the fact the house is up for sale – me and mine don’t figure in her thoughts at all, which is not surprising as she doesn’t know me.  Well OW has complained to H that she had been made to feel very uncomfortable by something her MIL had said and she had sited my friend as the source, her MIL has pointed out the extent of damage her and H had caused and mentioned me, OW was feeling upset by the conversation complaining to H that my friend had traumatised a frail old women of 93 and it was unacceptable what my friend has said about her!  H was playing rescuer and pointed out that I need to be more careful when choosing my friends – oh the irony!

There was more to this conversation but it ended with me saying that I had to consider whether I would wish to be in contact with him whilst he was in a relationship with OW – our sons had told him independently that they never wished to see her, when H told them that she (OW) understood this and would wait until they were ready our sons told him that their stance on this wouldn’t change, that she was the women that helped break up our family and that H should think twice before he tried to trick them into meeting her because they couldn’t guarantee what they would say if they found themselves in the same room as her. 

I also finished by saying that I know he is struggling and wasn't in a great place and if he ever reached a point where he needed a friend to turn to then he knows where to find me.  I also have to admit here that during this conversation that I wasn’t very complementary about OW – so shoot me!

So on reflection my feeling is that H and OW may have been keeping their relationship on the down low so as not to upset me and my sons, this means they have not been seen locally together and I think that H wants this to change as waiting for her to do the travelling limits the time they can spend together.  Or he may be feeling that OW is slipping away and trying to cling on.

This morning I have been told, by a completely different source and one which I also trust, that OW is definitely in a relationship with another man, this information has come from her STBXH and interestingly his mother.  I understand that the family are happy that it’s not H as he was the one who broke up their ‘happy’ home.  I found this out by my acquaintance saying ‘I saw H and S26 out on Saturday, how is H handling the fact that OW is now with another man after him leaving you to be with her’, I said are you sure H as yesterday H informed us that he and OW are taking their relationship forward to which she laughed and said ‘that’s what he thinks – still I suppose if you go with a cheater you can’t expect it not to happen to you’.  She is adamant that OW is (well was 2 weeks ago) in a relationship with another man and has actually been on holiday with him. 

My mother is a master snooper ‘so you don’t have too’ is her excuse.  She doesn’t often tell me what she has found out as I have let her know I am not interested but she informs me that according to OWs FB she does not seem to go down to see H and that she is out most nights with friends in fact she never seems to be in.  She has even had an all day party at her home last month there were many photos on FB and H is not in any of the photos on anyones FB – he wouldn’t be as I know he wasn’t there and as H has uses FB he will be well aware that she isn’t at home pining for him.

So Hs declaration to my sons and I could well be him feeling her slip away and him trying to hold on by deciding to visit here to be with her more often.  I also now know that OW is doing lots of endurance events, cycling, walking etc.  You would think that if she had a BF (H) who was also into endurance cycling and with whom you connected over training that you would attend these events together or at least he would be invited to join you and your friends - but no, H has not done any with her and apparently (master snooper again) OW has photos all over FB with her younger friends enjoying these events – she probably doesn’t need an old man around to cramp her style. 

I am actually beginning to feel sorry for him but he has brought this all on himself, think I’ll just continue to get on with my life and wait for him to crash and burn.  If indeed she was seeing someone else but that relationship has now petered out and she is indeed now back with H - it doesn’t bode well for their future does it.

As for me - I have applied to an new post, I am also building up my contacts so that as I move nearer to retirement I can start working as a locum, I attended a retirement planning seminar yesterday which has given me much food for thought.  Also this week I have started a twelve week personal training programme – after my first session last night I am stiff today and wondering what on earth I was thinking about! – I am going to Tuscany in 4 weeks (soooo excited), my son leaves for Australia in 6 weeks, and my S27 (who will be S28 by then) is moving nearer home on a new work placement so I get to see more of him.  I have jury service in November and a trip to Krakow booked in December.  If I get the new post I applied for this should reduce my working week and I have plans for how I can use this time.  I continue to meet friends for hikes, coffee and meals out (I have been out 5 out of the last 7 evenings) and I am enjoying my garden.  As I told H during my phone call I am not sitting in my rocking chair crocheting doilies while waiting for his return (thanks UM) but I am living a calm, peaceful, drama free but lovely life and I intend keeping it that way. 
 
Enyo X
Me 61
MLCer 58
M37 years, Together 39 years
S28 & S26
BD Aug/Sept 15
Moved Out Aug16

Online Treasur

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Good Lord, Enyo...I shouldn't be surprised by the later predictable unfolding mess of an MLCers life, and yet somehow I still am. Your h (i think you are still married?) is really meeting all the MLC targets and timescales isn't he? A trashed relationship with his sons, mental health problems, work problems and a cheating ow...completely textbook lol...about the only honest thing he probably said was that his life is/has not been fun. But as you said quite rightly, what he has is bc of choices he made.

I absolutely would believe almost anyone about gossipy facts other than an MLCer!

So on your side of the street, having been through hell, you are now getting your mojo back and having rather more fun and your sons are getting on with normal life too while your MLCers life gets steadily worse...albeit entirely unrelated to your choices of course. Yup, textbook....sounds like there will be more drama to come on his side of the street so keep your LBS hard hat on!
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Oh Snap!

Treasur beat me to it....

So, Mr. Mid-Lifer is mentally ill, has been told to pack sand by his sons, is being cheated on by the OW he cheated with and is unhappy in Schmoopie-ville....



I used to do a 90 mile commute between Colorado Springs and Boulder, CO after xW1 went off to loony-ville.... THAT is NOT a fun drive... Doesn't leave lots of time for ANYTHING, let alone trying to maintain an OW somewhere... So, the "rumours" that OW has an OM to HOM (HusbandOM - I just made that one up)  are probably true....

To me, it sounds as if he is spinning the fantasy that they are "taking it forward"(What DOES that mean, by the way? ??? ) in order to mask the reality that he has made some REALLY bad decisions and is about to be dumped with a huge mortgage, a stressful job, a horrid commute, and no Nookie.....

Goes back to the age-old question - How can you tell if a Mid-Lifer is lying? Their Lips are moving!

As for the rest, like Treasur said, he really appears to be following the "How to have an MLC for Dummies" handbook.....

I'm thinking his life is going to be looking more and more like this

so you'll probably want to keep those hip waders handy for a while....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Treasur

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Um's gif made me think that you don't need waders or even a hard hat, but just a nice protected spot on the shoreline where you can sip your beverage of choice, look out of the window at the big waves and rain and be pleased you are not in them! We had high winds and rain here today which did change my plans, but when the clouds opened, I did a 180 and walked to my favourite little beach cafe instead. There is something rather cozy about watching a storm from a nice protected spot  ;)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Nerissa

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Gosh what an interesting update.  It’s funny (funny weird, not ha ha) but your telephone conversation with your H is almost the same as one I had a few weeks ago.  Unnervingly similar. (no ow talk though as I don’t THINK they are an item).

I do like your sons’straightforwardness.  Your life sounds pretty good.  I don’t have anything useful
To say, but I love UM’s gifs and I’m more excited for the next instalment than I was when Ernie Bishop was  shot on ‘Coronation Street’.  And I was quite excited then...
« Last Edit: August 14, 2019, 08:03:00 AM by Nerissa »

Offline EnyoTopic starterTopic starter

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Hi Treasur.

Yes we are still married. I’ve no intention of filing in the forseeable future, I have checked with my lawyer and just staying as I am won’t affect me financially. I do think maybe divorce is where we will end up but if it were to happen now it would be no more than a financial agreement and I feel there should be more to ending a 37 year marriage than that. I would hope the by that time he would have worked through enough of his problems for us to have a friendship of sorts.  What will happen will happen, in my case there is no need for me to push anything to a conclusion - I don’t feel like I’m living in limbo I’m just getting on with my life.

I also love watching stormy weather from behind a window, and living on the Irish sea coast we get some pretty spectacular weather. Thanks for reminding me about the Starbridge novels - on your thread - its years since I read them when they were first published, I’ve just downloaded Glittering Images to start on tonight - might look at them differently after this MLC journey and I was young and very naive when I last read them.

Hi UM
Great gifs. I would say that me mentioning that OW was seeing someone else it was as if I was confirming his fears but he was in denial and trying not to believe it. I also think he is in for a very stormy time - I get very seasick so really glad I’m not involved.

Hi Nerissa

Love the corrie comment - hate to admit I remember that too. I truely feel that the conversation wasn’t really about telling us about OW - lets face it until I heard she was seeing someone else it was a very open secret. I think it was more that the guilt of what he has done  / is doing was weighing him down and he maybe feels that if he can just discharge some of that guilt by - in his wordhs - being transparent then he’ll feel better about the whole thing, saying to himself ‘At least I’ve been honest’. We all know that isn’t going to work, he needs to work through the whys and the how not just thw what.

I can tell that he is really struggling but there is only him that can do anything about it, I just wish he would just let himself feel what it is he is runnng from.

During our conversation I did mention that he needed to stop looking outward to fill a void inside. He pointed out that before BD (he didn’t use that phase) that he as always swapping his car, looking for something better and that as he doesn’t do that now it proves how unhappy he was. I was tempted to, but didn’t, point out that now instead of car shopping he was filling his even bigger void by excessive exercise, alcohol, smoking, working +++, and the dopamine input from OW. He really needs to read (or listen to) Russell Brands book Recovery, its basically about the 12 step programme but is a really good guideto self reflection. Its also wierd that he claims he was running away from an unhappy marriage, if that was the case you would think that he would be ecstatic now but that is obviously not the case.

Enyo x
Me 61
MLCer 58
M37 years, Together 39 years
S28 & S26
BD Aug/Sept 15
Moved Out Aug16

Offline KeepItTogether

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I agree that his motives were out of guilt. Maybe he thought that if he came clean, he would magically feel better. Nope, still a DB (American slang for liar, cheater, basic a$$hat). OW sounds like a prize too.  Sounds like she is in her own MLC. How quaint.

Your boys sound like they are fed up with H. But oh how sad for them. That they had to bear witness to their F's total destruction and descent into immorality and selfishness. How the kids are affected, regardless of age, is what breaks my heart every single time.

You sound like you are having quite a lovely life too. Tuscany is soon--I cannot wait my friend.
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Milly

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Enyo, thanks for the update. A lot of what goes on with you and your H and what you tell him, reminds me of me and my situation. Your sons sound like my D22. You are very strong, though. What great ideas you have for your retirement. Love how you were out 5 out of 7 nights. I would like to do that, but I'm tired. How boring am I?

I love the sea-ocean, I love it almost more when it's stormy. Watching it from a safe place reminds me of the nightmares I would have as a child but would relive once I was in the safety of my parents' bedroom. Love that image of watching the storm from a cosy café. I want to live where you live, Treasur.

Can't blame you for having spoken your mind, Enyo. Sometimes, we just need to let them hear what we're thinking.

See you soon!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

 

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