Author Topic: My Story Finally finding my peace and myself again.  (Read 725 times)

Offline WhyusTopic starter

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My Story Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« on: June 18, 2019, 11:42:52 PM »
Hi Folks, thank you to all who have supported me on my journey and who helped get me through my "dark Patches". Welcome to my new Thread.

My last Thread was very "nonMLC" as we have as good as NC and that is fine by me. No more complaints about boring threads as all hell seems to open up when I do.
My life is all about my Boys, K, my dog, my 2 Bands, my Suzuki and gigs/Festivals now. Work is not as important to me as it was pre BD, I do no more overtime and I dont worry so much about my Projects. Its only work and we work to live so I just do enough to Keep by bosses happy and dont try to be a Superstar anymore who takes on as much responsibility as possible. I let my colleagues do it now, I just tell them what to do where I would have done it myself pre BD.

Financially I am much better off since XW "left". She always worked, part time but I can see now that she spent ALOOOOOT more than she brought in. We were always in the red, it wasnt much but it was red! Now I can put Money into my savings every month, buy concert tickets, book Hotels and buy vinly records without thinking twice and still have some left at the end of the month which also goes into my savings account.
Its nice not to have the financial worries anymore. Money cannot buy you happiness but life is alot less stressful when you have enough compared to being in the red.

K and I ordered standup paddle boards yesterday for our Holidays, I cannot wait for them to arrive so that we can get on a local lake and practice. It Looks like great fun and ive wanted to do it for a Long time now so I finally pulled the trigger.
The summer can come, im ready for it.

Heres my last Thread
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10832.0
« Last Edit: June 18, 2019, 11:48:24 PM by Whyus »
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept/Tolerate them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #1 on: June 18, 2019, 11:49:26 PM »
Following...
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Silver

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #2 on: June 19, 2019, 01:50:06 AM »
Here.
I'm glad to hear that you got rid of being in the red all the time! Unfortunately can't say the same myself  :o
SUP board sounds great! In fact I am considering to rent or even buy (see why I am in the red??) one for my holiday at july as I will probably spend time at the summer cottage by the lake.
Please share how was it, never tried it myself.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #3 on: June 19, 2019, 02:14:21 AM »
Following along Whyus
It's funny Whyus when 18, 19, 20 yr old boys(ha) say I'm grown now!!!! Well act like it then.
My S18 is the same way. Exactly like you saud my W has saud it so many times, A kid shouldn't have to do that!!!! Boy I tell ya.
I wish I had videos of you falling off that board 10 times before you get the hang of it. Good YouTube material. Ha

Wishing you more peace my friend. Have a good one.

Offline dogwalker

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #4 on: June 19, 2019, 05:39:10 AM »
I’m with you mate

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #5 on: June 19, 2019, 05:55:35 AM »
I'm here as well.  I always enjoy hearing about your rides on two wheels.  My wind therapy on my Harley is something I enjoy every single time!   :D
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16 - his 53rd birthday
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Online Mitzpah

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #6 on: June 19, 2019, 06:01:48 AM »
Hey Whyus,

I guess I need to have a similar talk to my d24! She will be leaving soon to go live in Ireland for 10 months, so hopefully she'll get herself straight then! ::)  She doesn't believe in picking her clothes up nor making her bed >:(, washing the dishes? What's that?

I think I was to blame, I like a clean tidy space and have little patience to wait for the kids to get up off their behinds to do things so I ended up doing it :( If I tried to complain about things, they would say that I was always nagging them and I was sensitive to that kind of criticism post BD.

We see a lot of SUP boards around here - I sometimes think I would like to rent one just to try it out  :) I hope you and K have a great time, they say it is excellent exercise!
M 57
H 57
S 27
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline WhyusTopic starter

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #7 on: June 19, 2019, 06:10:50 AM »
Just another hour at work then its a loooooooong Weekend in Belgium. Slipknot are headlining on my Birthday  8)

I'm glad to hear that you got rid of being in the red all the time! Unfortunately can't say the same myself  :o
You can do it mate, I was lucky enough to have Money over after the house sale, bought some guitars and my Suzuki. The rest is put away for a deposit on a small house/flat one day. XW cant have much left  :o
SUP board sounds great! In fact I am considering to rent or even buy (see why I am in the red??) one for my holiday at july as I will probably spend time at the summer cottage by the lake.
Please share how was it, never tried it myself.
Will do, im looking Forward to it  :D. They are inflatable, €240 each which isnt bad actually.

It's funny Whyus when 18, 19, 20 yr old boys(ha) say I'm grown now!!!! Well act like it then.  Exactly!
My S18 is the same way. Exactly like you saud my W has saud it so many times, A kid shouldn't have to do that!!!! Boy I tell ya. Its a disaster waiting to happy mate.
I wish I had videos of you falling off that board 10 times before you get the hang of it. Good YouTube material. Ha
Maybe K and I can film each other or wear GoPros ;D
Wishing you more peace my friend. Have a good one. Thanks, you too.

I’m with you mate
Nice  ;)

I'm here as well.  I always enjoy hearing about your rides on two wheels.  My wind therapy on my Harley is something I enjoy every single time!   :D
Whats not to enjoy?  ;D I spontaniously took the Suzuki to work today so im looking Forward to putting those buttcomplimenting Leather trousers on and riding home  :)

Hey Whyus,

I guess I need to have a similar talk to my d24! .........I was sensitive to that kind of criticism post BD.
Do it Mitz, they Need a Little shove sometimes  ;) S19 actually thanked us for talking to him about it instead of constantly nagging as his mam did  ;D
We see a lot of SUP boards around here - I sometimes think I would like to rent one just to try it out  :) I hope you and K have a great time, they say it is excellent exercise!
Upto 1000Caleries an hour and its fun, what more do you want ;D
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept/Tolerate them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #8 on: June 20, 2019, 01:17:54 PM »
Awesome Whyus! SUP Boards having always been something I wanted to try. Maybe I will now!

Speaking of a$$less chaps......I thought of you biker boys and gals the other day as I drove home from work. A guy on a Suzuki passed me by--I drive fast--at least 85mph. He was wearing a helmet. But, also shorts and a T shirt. Yes it was 105 degrees F that day, but wow. Seemed a tad unsafe. Oh well, natural selection. Gotta love CA.

Have a great weekend in Belgium. Makes me think of beer and chocolate. Yep, one track mind.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #9 on: June 24, 2019, 04:43:15 AM »
Speaking of a$$less chaps......I thought of you biker boys and gals the other day as I drove home from work. A guy on a Suzuki passed me by--I drive fast--at least 85mph. He was wearing a helmet. But, also shorts and a T shirt. Yes it was 105 degrees F that day, but wow. Seemed a tad unsafe. Oh well, natural selection. Gotta love CA.

Ooooo... Road Pizza at it's finest, just looking for a place to happen... Mixed with a bit of Darwin....

All seriousness aside, we have those candidates here in Germany too (Helmet, shorts, T-Shirts, and tennis shoes)  even though their health insurance will drop them like a hot rock on Jupiter for "Gross Negligence."
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline WhyusTopic starter

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #10 on: June 25, 2019, 04:02:37 AM »
K, I and a colleague of mine got back from Belgium yesterday, all safe and Sound but a Little (very) tired  ;). We had a great time, 4 nights in a tent and lots of awesome bands over the 4 days including Slipknot, Slayer, Kiss, Def Leppard, Whitesnake, In Flames, stone temple pilots, clutch.... too many to Name. We rode the big Wheel twice which gives you a fantastic view of the Festival/Camping area.
65-70.000 People every day, no stress, no Trouble, no agro, just everybody getting along and having a good time.
On Sunday the 23rd I realized that my 22nd Wedding anniversary was 3 days earlier and I hadn’t thought of it once! That has to be a small victory for Team Whyus... I'll take that for now.

On the 22nd K and I took a walk to where the bus was parked and she gave me my birthday presents. There were 6 in total, thing really expensive but all were very thoughtful which is amazing. I’ve already started to listen for breadcrumbs/hints as I have 6 months until her birthday and I want to get it right. You girls are hard work, she set the birthday bar high again. :D
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept/Tolerate them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Father5

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #11 on: June 25, 2019, 09:58:31 AM »
You sound like a very thoughtful person I am sure you will get it right!
Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

Offline Treasur

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #12 on: June 25, 2019, 11:49:08 AM »
Ah, we're easy, Why Us....something pretty or indulgent that we wouldn't buy ourselves and something that shows us you have quietly paid attention to things that make us happy. My h was always a great gift giver...big and small...often the nicest gifts were the small things that showed he really 'got' me as a person. Ha ha...makes me thing about an MLC gift catalogue....IC sessions bc the problem is you? A discount voucher for a L? A free tattoo of a monster face? Some tacky jewellery chosen by ow?  ::)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online One day at a time

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #13 on: June 25, 2019, 12:51:31 PM »
Ah, we're easy, Why Us....something pretty or indulgent that we wouldn't buy ourselves and something that shows us you have quietly paid attention to things that make us happy.
Spot on!
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline WhyusTopic starter

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #14 on: June 25, 2019, 11:36:36 PM »
Thank you Father 5, I hope so :_)
Treasur, that was the nice Thing aboput my presents from K, there were a couple of "small" Gifts which I wanted but hadnt bought so she got them for me. It is quite easy really if your eyes are open.

So a Little sign of life from my XW. S19 had gotten his Dates mixed up at the Weekend and was off to a Festival (Dance Music  :o) with his friends. XW took the dog for 2 days, when we got back she was bathed and XW had cut her nails.

I had some SMSs on my phone which I hadnt looked at because I had crossed 4 European borders on the Weekend and always get "info" SMSs from my phone company. They always say the same Thing so I ignored them. When I looked last night, one was from my XW, on my birthday. It said "Happy Birthday whyus :). Have a nice day". OK, its not much and no big deal but that my XW actually thought about me AND acted on it AND wrote in English is massive for her! English was our "texting" language, after BD it was nearly always Business German  ;D. I sent a short Reply and apologized for not replying earlier, she probably was expecting a Reply from me and a Little pissed when it didnt come. I used the rule of 3 there without even trying........  ::)

Dont worry, im not going to go all soft and start looking for signs and $h!te because that ship has Long sailed, Long before I knew it actually  ;D. It was a very Little Thing though which was totally unexpected, no more no less.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept/Tolerate them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Silver

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #15 on: June 26, 2019, 12:14:37 AM »
On the 22nd K and I took a walk to where the bus was parked and she gave me my birthday presents. There were 6 in total, thing really expensive but all were very thoughtful which is amazing. I’ve already started to listen for breadcrumbs/hints as I have 6 months until her birthday and I want to get it right. You girls are hard work, she set the birthday bar high again. :D

THIS seems to be your annual process mate, I remember you wrote about this issue last year too  ;D

S19 had gotten his Dates mixed up at the Weekend and was off to a Festival (Dance Music  :o)
It doesn't necessarily mean that you were a failure as a father. I am sorry to hear this anyway.  :o ;D

I sent a short Reply and apologized for not replying earlier, she probably was expecting a Reply from me and a Little pissed when it didnt come.
So was I  ;D (not really)

You are doing great, good to hear your trip was success!  8)

"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #16 on: June 26, 2019, 12:38:44 AM »
Joining  :)
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline WhyusTopic starter

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #17 on: June 26, 2019, 02:18:46 AM »
THIS seems to be your annual process mate, I remember you wrote about this issue last year too  ;D
I will be doing it next year too :-). Get a Graspop ticket and join us, you will love it!
S19 had gotten his Dates mixed up at the Weekend and was off to a Festival (Dance Music  :o)
It doesn't necessarily mean that you were a failure as a father. I needed to hear that  ;D I am sorry to hear this anyway.  :o ;D Could be worse, he likes metal too. A big "Bullet for my Valentine" fan  ;)

I sent a short Reply and apologized for not replying earlier, she probably was expecting a Reply from me and a Little pissed when it didnt come.
So was I  ;D (not really) You were, admit it. Sorry again though  :o

You are doing great, good to hear your trip was success!  8)
Cheers bro
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept/Tolerate them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Thunder

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #18 on: June 26, 2019, 04:49:28 AM »
Attaching....

Treasur, your MLC gift catalog cracked me up.   
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #19 on: June 26, 2019, 05:50:51 AM »
Hello,

Quote
Could be worse, he likes metal too. A big "Bullet for my Valentine"

No, that's the best thing a father can bring into his son's life.

It is good to hear you are doing so well. You've got plenty of time to get the gifts and believe me, she will tell you what she wants.

Have a great day!

Ready
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline WhyusTopic starter

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #20 on: June 26, 2019, 10:46:05 PM »
Cheers ready, yes im sure she will let me know somehow  ;).
A Little tired today, K, I and 3 friends of mine were at an Anthrax gig in Hannover last night which means that im in work after just 4 hours sleep again. Nevermind, we work to live and dont live to work so ist all good.

I also recieved a WA message from SIL yesterday wishing me a belated happy birthday. It was really sweetly written and apologetic (her S17 had a birthday a couple of days before which stressed her out). I replied "Thanks sis, its all good no worries" with a kiss Smiley and I got the kiss Smiley back.
Have a great day LBS Army.
« Last Edit: June 26, 2019, 11:56:17 PM by Whyus »
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept/Tolerate them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline WhyusTopic starter

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #21 on: June 27, 2019, 11:24:59 PM »
So I think that I have worked out why XW sent me that "Happy Birthday" message.
S21 has created and Instagram account for our cat, she is his cat really and he took her with him when he moved out.
He posted a pic last night and XW "liked" it, with a new Profile pic. She is with OM and she is pouting like a fish trying to hide those damb wrinkles! She used to hate women who took pics like that  ::).
Its so typical, she always does something small but "nice" to soften me up before she does something which may offend me, so typical.
I have to admit that it wasnt easy seeing XW and OM in that pic, it did send me Spinning for an hour or so but it soon settled.
I guess that we never really get over them, this would all have been so much easier if she had met somebody after we had seperated. Instead she is still with the guy who she was Meeting for 6 months before BD, I suspected nothing as I trusted her with my life. I guess they will always be a thorn in my side aslong as they are together.

K is going to a Festival with a GF on Saturday, the line up is fantastic. They are driving later and will come back Sunday sometime. I cant go as I have a Gig myself and we dont cancel once we have confirmed a booking.

Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept/Tolerate them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online One day at a time

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #22 on: June 27, 2019, 11:35:51 PM »
Sorry you had to see that picture.. I haven't seen any of H and OW yet and I'm sure I won't like if when/if I see one... The pouting.. argh! H used to say that was stupid when people did that, he's now with someone who's pouting in 90% of her pics  ::)
I feel the same, if he was with anyone he met after we separated it wouldn't remind me of the betrayal.. Anyway, one hour spinning is OK, you are human and none of this is easy.. Enjoy your gig!
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Silver

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #23 on: June 27, 2019, 11:39:31 PM »
"Pouting like a fish"  ;D I never undestood those pics either, people actually think they're looking good by doing it??  ::)

Though my XW 'met' (read: scheduled everything so it didn't look that bad) OM after we were 'finished', I still don't like seeing them together. That's just the way it is and it's quite logical isn't it?
Even seeing XW looking happy still makes me angry sometimes, even OM wasn't there at all, doesn't last more than a minute or two but still does. Maybe not ever getting totally over it but thinking about my 1st divorce, time did it's work, now after 14 years or so, seeing my 1st W with her H (like in fb) doesn't feel bad at all to me anymore. Took a lot of time but we are totally good with her today.

Have a good weekend mate, maybe have some man time while lady is away??

"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline WhyusTopic starter

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #24 on: June 28, 2019, 12:51:13 AM »
Thanks guys, I knew that you would understand.
tbh, she does seem to be happy with her Young gym nerd. I may be a mask, it may be fantasy, it may be real but it doesn’t matter really does it. Fact it, this is not the type of guy who she would have been interested in before she turned into whatever she is now.
It stung a couple of months back when S21 said "mam is happy now", I replied with "so she wasn’t happy before then?" "that’s not what I meant", "well think before you open your mouth next time, he’s STILL HER AP or have you forgotten already?"...... he went quiet and I left the room before I said something which would have pissed him off big time.

Silver, I am going for some wind therapy after work and again tomorrow after breakfast, just me, myself and I. tbh, I think I Need a Weekend without K, she’s great but I Need some me time and a bed with just  my Little doggy  :)
She just skyped me saying that S19 and I can clean the house whilst she’s gone!! I replied "don’t worry, I will obviously do some housework but don’t expect me to spend the whole Weekend cleaning by 30+°C."

As always, after a certain time Little red flags are starting to Pop up here and there. My house is not dirty but it’s not spotless either. Sure K does more in the house than I do but I pull my weight for sure. The biggest Problem is that S19 doesn’t pull his weight, he only does something if we tell him and that has caused a couple of discussions between K and I. He has been good since our last Chat but how Long will it last= I have already threated to throw him out and it’s going to happen it he doesn’t Change. He is 19 now, he’s not a child anymore and I owe him nothing to that extent if he doesn’t pull his weight.
He can live with his mam for all I care, she is the one who "spoilt" him after all!

We played “shark eyes” for the first time with the whole band yesterday!!!!!! It’s going to be AMAZING! I love it and so do the guys, we just have to work on the vocal melodies as they are just, well , rough atm but that’s normal at this stage
« Last Edit: June 28, 2019, 12:55:55 AM by Whyus »
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept/Tolerate them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Silver

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #25 on: June 28, 2019, 05:06:23 AM »
One of the things I have enjoyed after divorce is ME time.
What I have struggled with is to get housework done, not always but sometimes I just think f**k it (weeks when alone especially) and leave all as it is.
Fortunately having kids with me every other week, I HAVE to take care that stuff too. But it's nice in a way too, no one picks me even there's a little mess here and there and it's good that at some point I always get pissed off about it myself and start cleaning  ;D And having J come over regularly helps with that too  ::) Women have amazing effect on us, even though she never says anything even there was a mess.

Love to hear about  the song, mate, make it best one you ever wrote!


"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline gman242

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #26 on: June 28, 2019, 05:33:47 AM »
Hey man, I'm happy you're taking some you time. Honestly, that was the thing I never did before.. I sounded a lot like you guys way back when, before I met W. Going to concerts, playing concerts, someone always had something going on I was going to..

I met this girl before W and I was only with her because she was clingy and dependent on me. Nothing had ever worked out before, even though I always had dates, but there was a part of me that was angry that I didn't have the easy, comfortable, stand by your (wo)man type relationships everyone was settling into. Long story short, I enjoy the clinging and then really resented it.

I broke up with and I swore I was going to be alone and even seclude myself in monastic conditions if that's what it took to get my head on straight. And then I met W 3 or 4 months later. After BD, D and so on, that was my biggest regret ever. Not giving myself time to slow down, think, heal and come to terms with myself.

Maybe for us guys, or a type of guy anyway, it's been easier (and more fun) to turn the volume up to drown out our inner voices. Like the other weekend, I wasn't schedule to be at the airsoft field, but I wanted to use the excuse that I needed to pick up a gun to work on, to get out there, strap on my gear and play a few games. But I talked myself out of it. I spent time with S and myself, instead.

I just read something that said making time for self love / care is really important. I think it's easy to think, yeah, I'm exercising, shooting kids with BB guns, taking care of S.. I'm doing good, right?

yeah, but.. I think you also need to take care of your needs too. Give yourself time to think, really cook yourself a decent meal, fix something that you've been putting off forever around the house. Take care of all those "I should if I get some time" projects.

Don't feel bad dude.. I was all gung ho for weeks.. getting stuff stuff, walking, lifting, taking S to the pool, really slaying the house hold finances, cleaning and now for a week I haven't been able to get off the couch.

It's not easy and at least for me, I'm going to make sure the volume stays down for a while. As a bit of irony, I set up my record player with S the other night and we had fun playing records. He was really into how mechanical the whole thing was and how it worked. I need a good tube pre I think, but it was quality time well spent.

Slow down dude and enjoy it. All you dudes. I think in the long run it does a body good.  8)



Oh man, I feel ya. Kids are tough, teens are tougher. S is 17 and when he was in Colorado, I cleaned the house once and spent 50$ on food the entire time he was gone. He will not do anything he doesn't have to. He tries to clean, but he's not very good at it. Part of it the ADHD, but he's not getting the bigger picture. That's something I struggled with and man.. he's going to get it.  You gotta break out tough dad at some point.
« Last Edit: June 28, 2019, 05:43:26 AM by gman242 »

Offline WhyusTopic starter

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #27 on: June 30, 2019, 11:47:36 PM »
Thanks for the Support guys and also for the confirmation regarding "me time".

On Friday K drove to a one day Festival with a GF, they camped 2 nights in Ks VW bus. I rode aroung the Harz mountains on the Suzuki which was amazing, the weather was great and hardly any traffic. I went for another ride on saturday morning then spent a while doing housework before driving 90 minutes to a gig which I had. It was a wedding (she was beautiful and about 15 years younger than him  :o).
The Gig was Ok, as we had Sound issues. It was an old "Palace" and we couldnt Keep the Sound down as there was too much "hall". Everybody there was totally happy but we have our own Standards and we have been better.

As I didnt get home until 5am, I slept until 12, then did some more housework untill K come home. S19 had also pulled his weight at home as I was away on Saturday, this made me a very happy dad. Lets hope that he keeps this up. I must have hit all the right Corners on the cleaning front as K was impressed  ;D. We spent the rest of the day chillin by 30+°C and live streams of Festival gigs we had seen.

Just another 2 weeks until Holidays, the Countdown has begun  ;).
Have a great weel yall
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept/Tolerate them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline WhyusTopic starter

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #28 on: July 04, 2019, 11:57:06 PM »
S19 signed his work contract last night. His boss and "pate" came to our house yesterday to meet us and explan a couple of Things. He is to start a 3 year aprenticship as an insurance salesman. Yes, they have a bad Name but its a good serious Company and the pay is good, he gets 14 months pay a year for example.
K had asked S19 a couple of days back if he would rather have his mam there and he said "no, I dont live with her so it doesnt effect her. I live with you two." K was clearly moved and had to leave the room for a short cry, they were happy tears.
After they left yesterday S19 said "Im glad that mam wasnt here because she would have asked too many pointless questions and we would have been sat here all night". We all had a Little chuckle because it was so true.
He then thanked us for rocking the Meeting with "proper" questions, just the right dres code, Snacks and Drinks and not embarresing him.  ;D

I am not beating up on my XW with this post, it all came from S19 and Shows again that she is more of a "cool big sister" than a mam to him. I have to watch what I write though because None of this was XWs fault, she doesnt know what she is doing as she is so foggy, its all the fogs fault. The fog made her leave her H, Kids and pets for a Gym nerd who is 15 years younger! It was all the fog and she is innocent!
Sorry for that, I just got slated on another thread for saying "they know EXACTLY what they are doing!". Obviously they dont!
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept/Tolerate them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Silver

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #29 on: July 05, 2019, 12:38:32 AM »
I am not beating up on my XW with this post, it all came from S19 and Shows again that she is more of a "cool big sister" than a mam to him. I have to watch what I write though because None of this was XWs fault, she doesnt know what she is doing as she is so foggy, its all the fogs fault. The fog made her leave her H, Kids and pets for a Gym nerd who is 15 years younger! It was all the fog and she is innocent!
Sorry for that, I just got slated on another thread for saying "they know EXACTLY what they are doing!". Obviously they dont!

C'mon mate, don't give too much attention to that. You know like I do that they are responsible of what they chose.

Hey congrats for S19 and to daddy too! That's great news!
 


"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Online One day at a time

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #30 on: July 05, 2019, 01:18:52 AM »
Congrats to S19!! That's great news.. The fact that he didn't want his mum there is very telling.. It's sad really when you think about it but yet another consequence to her actions..

And on the responsibility topic, don't take it personally. I have followed the discussion but I stayed away from commenting because I don't have any hard stance one way or the other, still trying to make up my own mind! We are all put in an awful position when our spouses walk and we all find our way to come to terms with what happened to our lives. While some of the experiences we go through are similar, we all get to our own conclusions based on our own perceptions, beliefs, conditioning, etc.
You are not wrong and neither are the others, just different ways of interpreting this life changing event we all found ourselves in.. If the others find some comfort in thinking their spouses don't know what they are doing, if that helps them sleep better at night.. why should anyone convince them otherwise? And vice-versa.. I hope you don't feel offended by this comment because it's not my intention by any means.

Have a wonderful weekend!
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline WhyusTopic starter

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #31 on: July 05, 2019, 02:47:05 AM »
Thank you Silver and one day.

One day, I certainly don't feel offended by your comment, I welcome it and your totally right. Im just a Little sensative when I get eaten up for make a harmless comment.
I stay true to my comment though, they dont only know what they are doing, they are loving it! They will/may look back one day with regret but they knew what was Happening, just look at how Long some plan this BS, they go to great lengths to get what they want.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept/Tolerate them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #32 on: July 05, 2019, 04:48:22 AM »
Hello,

Quote
this would all have been so much easier if she had met somebody after we had seperated.

I hold this true as well. My ex has dated others since we have divorced. I guess English Bob wasn't her true soul mate. That doesn't bother me at all. English Bob can learn to tap dance in an Afghani mine field for all I care.

I agree with One Day on the comment. People have to live within their skin and make it through the day with what they can deal with at the moment. The point is whatever it takes to get you to the point to accept, let go, and live for yourself and your family is the important part.

Have an awesome day!

Ready

 
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline WhyusTopic starter

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #33 on: July 08, 2019, 02:19:36 AM »
Nothing to Report about my MLCer or xMLCer. She exists in her Corner of town and I in my Corner, thats it basically. I guess a normal XW from a normal Divorce may have called and asked about the Meeting with S19s new bosses but no, nothing as expected.

K and I bought 2 SUPs (Stand Up Paddleboards) a couple of weeks back for our Holidays. They were of the cheaper Kind which is fine for a beginner, alot of YouTubeing was done beforehand. We took them to our local lake on friday, conditions were not optimal but it was great fun. We both only fell in/fell off once when we got hit by a serious of side waves ,it was too windy really but ist only water afterall ;)
It was such good fun that we drove there again on Saturday straight after breakfast. We done a lap of the lake, took a break and then done another lap. We didnt even get wet this time and I learnt that you kneel when the waves get a Little too much. It worked a treat, Center of gravity and stuff. I thought that only Tools and beginners kneel on a SUP but its just a way of mastering difficult Waters so its all cool  ;).

Once we were done we packed everything into the bus and walked 10 minutes to where our Football/Soccer Team was to Play their first pre Season friendly of the year. The game wasnt great, the manager changed the whole Team except for one at half time so there was no real flow and both Teams were a mix out of the first Team pros and youth Players. It was still good to see some of the Youngsters getting stuck in and also the new Players who have arrived all played.

I am suffering today though, every muscle in my Body is screaming "why did you have to go onto the lake again on saturday and then twice!"  :D Its really a great fun way to get fit as you use your whole Body and ist great for the core apparently. Riding on the open sea will be a totally different game but worst case is that we get wet and look like Tools. I can fortunately live with both  8)

Just one more week at work and I have 3 weeks Holidays, I can hardly wait!
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept/Tolerate them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online Mortesbride

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #34 on: July 08, 2019, 10:34:32 AM »
Count down to holidays are always super exciting. Sometimes you have more fun in the anticipation than the actual trip!

Glad you are having fun paddling around in a lake.  ::) :P

I got myself super sore this week as well but it was from hours of weeding and planting....aka previous man chores!  :P

Garden's looking great though, and now I just gotta figure out how I am gonna build a kids summer house without a power drill.  :o
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline WhyusTopic starter

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #35 on: July 08, 2019, 11:31:25 PM »
Count down to holidays are always super exciting. Sometimes you have more fun in the anticipation than the actual trip!
Your right there morte, I hope that the trip will be what I expect it to be though :-)
Glad you are having fun paddling around in a lake.  ::) :P
Ist great, you should try it  ;)
I got myself super sore this week as well but it was from hours of weeding and planting....aka previous man chores!  :P
Bäh....  I quite like garden work but it has to be done when im ready and not when somebody tells me to do it. Its $h!tety when the Chores would have belonged to the runaway though  :(
Garden's looking great though, and now I just gotta figure out how I am gonna build a kids summer house without a power drill.  :o
Thats an easy one morte......Youtube is your friend as in most cases  ;)
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept/Tolerate them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline WhyusTopic starter

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #36 on: July 11, 2019, 11:23:26 PM »
Ist my last day at work before a 3 week Holiday  ;). Sunday we are driving to Holland for a night, then a night in France before getting the Ferry for our England/Wales tour.
Apart from the 4 nights at my dads house and a night in Liverpool (Beatles themed Hotel of Course  ;D) we will be sleeping in the bus, mostly on cliffs or next to the beach.

S19 has booked a last Minute 10 day Holiday with a friend and leaves on Saturday, XW will look after doggy for the duration (I have cut her hair and she Looks great)

I dropped K off at the Supermarket down the road last night whilst on the way to band practice and XWs car was parked outside. I wished K alot of fun with XW, she laughed and told me to shut up and behave myself  :).When I got home I asked if she had a nice time with XW and K told me that she saw XW but she didnt see K. I said "let me guess, she looked confused rght"? K laughed and said that XW was Standing infront of the shelf with oils and spices and looked like a clueless 13 year old. You could see the question marks coming out of her head.......  :o. How did I know this and why wasnt I surprised???

MIL/FIL have officially given up the Pub and gone into retirement. They have rented a small garden/alotment just 100m from my house to Keep them busy. Maybe this would be the perfect Location for S19s birthday party! XW surely doesnt want me in her MLC flat and I surely dont want her and OM in my house (though I would probably have to do this just for S19s sake  :-[)

Hopefully I can get some time on the paddle boards tomorrow and later watch my Team Play another pre Season friendly against a dutch Team.

Have a great Weekend all and stay true to yourselves!
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept/Tolerate them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Silver

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #37 on: July 12, 2019, 02:13:11 AM »
Ist my last day at work before a 3 week Holiday  ;).

And my last day at work before 4 week holiday  ;D

Have a great time off mate, your plans sound really good!
Still thinking about buying SUP board myself, it's been really cold for a July so far so not so tempting idea right atm  ::)
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Online One day at a time

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #38 on: July 12, 2019, 02:28:42 AM »
Oh lads, I'm so jealous!!!! 3 and 4 weeks holidays!?!? Can I go too??  ;D ;D
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline WhyusTopic starter

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #39 on: July 12, 2019, 04:53:29 AM »
4 weeks Silver! Awesome dude, enjoy  ;D
One day, I wouldnt have a Problem with you coming along but K might  :D.

Just 90 minutes and im done with work for now  ;D
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept/Tolerate them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #40 on: July 12, 2019, 05:00:35 AM »
Hey, have a great time! 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16 - his 53rd birthday
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #41 on: July 12, 2019, 05:03:06 AM »
Have fun Whyus.
I sure wish I could watch you shaking  standing up on that Paddle Board. Ha.


Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #42 on: July 15, 2019, 07:27:12 PM »
Are your SUPs hard boards or the inflatable kind?  Sounds like you are getting it down.  I've only had the chance to get out on mine twice so far this Summer with the new job, but last weekend we ended up in the middle of the lake between all the boats and the wave runners.  We didn't realize we were out that far but we had a blast (and the boaters, etc were all really good natured about us being out there and didn't run us over).  My left leg though is bruised in 3 spots from thigh to calf.  I don't even recall hurting myself but we were riding some serious waves out there lol.  Yes the trick is to stay on the waves head on, sideways usually ends up causing problems.
M-41
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-14
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Online Mortesbride

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #43 on: July 20, 2019, 10:24:58 AM »
Hope you are enjoying your holiday. :)

OM in your house just about made me barf. I'd take him to a pizza place or something before that ever happened.

But I still think OW has cooties so... ;)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline dogwalker

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Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Reply #44 on: July 21, 2019, 12:56:03 PM »
Just attaching mate.I hope you are having a great holiday.. DW

 

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Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.