Author Topic: My Story Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8  (Read 1408 times)

Offline ReallytryingTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« on: June 19, 2019, 04:58:52 AM »
Recap - married 15 years at BD. H left the following year. Discovered that he was in a relationship with his former secretary. They moved in together June 2018. We have a very friendly coparenting relationship. Kids are D-16, S-14.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10588.0


Offline ReallytryingTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #1 on: June 19, 2019, 05:12:31 AM »
This past Sunday was Father’s Day. H texted Saturday evening saying he wanted to get the kids in the afternoon - I of course agreed. My parents arrived Sunday. D was annoyed about going with H 🤷🏽‍♀️.  He cake to pick them up on Sunday. Gave my mom a huge hug. She commented after he left that he looked sad. Said his smile never reached his eyes.

D texted to say there was no point in them being there because they weren’t doing anything. I commented that she was spending time with dad. She said he’s not with us he is eating fast food in his bedroom. What? OW brought home fast food and he went into his room with it. Eventually she asked H if her boyfriend could come over. So for father’s day she hung out with her bf, s played with a friend, while h sat alone in his room? I don’t get it. Meanwhile my folks and I had a lovely evening with my aunt and uncle.

Eventually h texted to ask if it was ok if he let D boyfriend drive them back so that he didn’t have to do it. I of course said it was fine.

Yesterday H texted to ask if my dad wanted to play golf with him today. So he is on his way to get him for a morning tee time.

Drama with D school continues. H and I have been working on that together. He filed a complaint yesterday with the state - a teacher is refusing to give D work from when she was ill.

Before my parents got here they spent the weekend with MIL and SIL - I’m sure ow is not impressed about that. Oh well 🤷🏽‍♀️.  The family bonds remain just as strong as ever.

I keep being told that I’m glowing - my mom even said it. For awhile I was struggling to trust the happy feeling. It’s like I’m afraid the universe will notice I’m happy and slap me down. So grateful for my LBS friends - especially MourningDove, Handpuppets, & Onward who talk me off the ledge or laugh at my shenanigans as needed.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #2 on: June 19, 2019, 05:32:46 AM »
Fast food in his room for Father's Day while his kids are there with him...


THAT sounds like a really happy fun life there now, doesn't it? All puppy dogs, purple Unicorns running around farting clouds of glitter, rainbows and Cotton Candy...

NOT!

And even mom notices the mask....

It really makes one want to shake them and ask them what is SO difficult to understand about their situation.... And why can't they get their head out of their .... fog... long enough to actually DO something about changing it....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Offline Mitzpah

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #3 on: June 19, 2019, 05:41:39 AM »
RT,

You are sounding good!

I hope your daughter's issues with school get sorted out, good that her father continues to be involved. That is one of the things I missed, although, he never used to be very involved with schools even before BD.

I think it great that he continues to golf with your dad, I wonder what ow thinks of that?
M 57
H 57
S 27
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline CanLetGo

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #4 on: June 19, 2019, 08:01:26 AM »
Following rt, Father’s Day sounds weird, but you sound good, doing you, best thing you can do xi
Me 45
H 49
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #5 on: June 19, 2019, 09:52:15 AM »
Coming along.  What a strange Father's Day. Your Mom called it. 
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Online Treasur

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #6 on: June 19, 2019, 10:11:47 AM »
Hmmm, doesn't sound like a magic happy fix to me? Quite weird behaviour actually from a grown man. I suspect we all agree with your Mum....your Dad may come back from golf with a few titbits as often men do talk a bit more openly while doing some kind of activity. Your parents sound lovely  ;)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #7 on: June 19, 2019, 11:47:51 AM »
Jumping on your new thread RT!

I agree you sound wonderful and actually happy😊
I am very happy to read this!  H as usual is stuck within his misery, his own doing of course!
Life is moving right along and you seem to be leading the way!
Sorry D is having struggles. Don’t you wonder how much of this would have gone on for her if H hadn’t lost his marbles?  I’m usually don’t throw blame around at the MLCer but he deserves some blame. Just my opinion but I think he’s about to miss the last train😜

Keep living your beautiful life!
(Hugs)
31

Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline MourningDove

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #8 on: June 19, 2019, 12:46:52 PM »
ReallyTrying - I truly am believing he is stuck. He just can't seem to make that connection that things are not exactly happy in MLC land. Father's Day is so bizarre. Asking to have the kids and yet not spending time with them is just beyond bizarre, but then we are in MLC land.  ::)

As for talking you off the ledge - LOL - while I am not keeping score, I rather suspect we have a pretty good balance there. LOL. Besides, not all the conversations are of the "off the ledge" variety  ;D

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #9 on: June 19, 2019, 02:53:08 PM »
Fast food in the bedroom alone. Yeah, that sounds super healthy.

Sorry about D! But happy a resolution seems to be in place. Glad H stepped up to help in between his bedroom Big-Mac attacks. Happy Father's Day indeed.

Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline heroIam

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #10 on: June 19, 2019, 02:53:24 PM »
I'm still here RT!
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline Shelly7435

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #11 on: June 19, 2019, 04:36:47 PM »
Coming along for the ride
M 53
H 48
M 12 years; together 17 years
D18, S28
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 Now off and on vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #12 on: June 19, 2019, 06:43:24 PM »
Following along....
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #13 on: June 24, 2019, 09:40:56 PM »
Following along....... :)
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline hopeandfaith

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #14 on: June 25, 2019, 03:51:14 AM »
Me too  :)
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D19, D17 and S15

Offline ReallytryingTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #15 on: July 09, 2019, 06:37:35 PM »
Quick update. All is well!

H spent a lot of time with my family when they were here. Even cake over the night before they left specifically to say goodbye.

He took the kids for a several day stretch. They seemed ok. I enjoyed some time on my own. H and I are in a comfortable relaxed place. I’m dating a man I like very much.

Funny story:
H called earlier to ask if I wanted dinner. He had S and was grabbing dinner. Said he was texting me and wondering why I didn’t answer. Turns out he was texting the lady at the car dealership offering her dinner 😂😂😂😂.

Kids and I leave in the morning for a trip home to be with my family. We are all excited.

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #16 on: July 09, 2019, 09:04:17 PM »
Attaching

I feel your pain with the description of D's issues with the shooting and H's reaction.

My two older kids were evacuated from their High School for a bomb threat.  Full SWAT came into their school and they had to be bussed to another High School.  Unbeknownst to me until a bit later, H was on a plane with his GF to New Orleans.  I got a read receipt on my text to him and he NEVER responded.  Not once.  It turned out all okay in the end but was so terrifying in the moment.  To add to it, my youngest went missing during that time too.  He was supposed to ride with the older kids but didn't realize they had been bussed, so he got turned away from the High School by the police who thought he was a walker who lived in the neighborhood (we had done a transfer from our school and lived about 3 miles away).  He had never walked before.  Finally my mom was able to find him along the road walking.

I will never forget how alone I felt that day and how much of the single parent burden I felt.
M-41
H-43
S-19
D-17
S-14
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Has several dating profiles on POF and another but no major signs of anything new.

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #17 on: July 10, 2019, 05:29:10 AM »
So nice to hear you like your H, even more important than loving him in my opinion.

Love the dinner story, woman must still be waiting for the food  ;D
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline heroIam

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #18 on: July 10, 2019, 07:38:19 AM »
Have a wonderful trip.
Happy to hear you and the kids are well.   ;)
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #19 on: July 10, 2019, 10:16:36 AM »
Have a great trip RT.  I once texted S's coach asking him to come out and help me carry in groceries.  :P  It happens. 
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline handpuppets

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #20 on: July 10, 2019, 10:00:32 PM »
Attaching (so I don't lose this thread); my heart is happy for you, my friend. <3
“Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.” -Anne Lamott

Offline ReallytryingTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #21 on: August 08, 2019, 03:15:35 PM »
Its been awhile since I’ve updated. I’m not at work over the summer so I sometimes don’t remember the date. I logged on to Facebook and at the top of my feed was a memory from 6 years ago. Hence the reminder that today would be my 21st wedding anniversary. I looked at the pic for a bit and then I smiled and moved on. I felt a little sad but more because I date that was once so special is now just another day on the calendar. I still feel sad for all that we could have been.

On the flip side though I am generally happy with where I am in my life. It looks so different from what my original plan was but it is filled with joy.

D is getting ready to start her senior year of high school and after a very tough year seems happy and carefree. She’s gotten a job and has enjoyed spending time with her friends.
S is getting ready to start high school. He’s had a busy summer and is hoping to keep on playing both soccer and baseball.
I have had a fun summer hanging out with friends and getting to know someone in a romantic capacity. I go back to work in about 10 days after 3 months off.

H is visiting his family with OW. He asked the kids if they wanted to go with him and they both declined - and that was before they even knew ow was going. I feel sad for his tangential role in their lives but I can’t fix it. He has to do that work.

2 days from now will mark 5 years since H left. It’s amazing how much we’ve all changed from that day which remains one of the lowest points in my life. We survived what tried to break us and now we are on the other side stronger from the experience. I will forever feel sad that he left but my friend said today that didn’t mark the dissolution of my family instead it was a reorganization. I appreciated that perspective.

Offline hopeandfaith

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #22 on: August 08, 2019, 04:30:17 PM »
I will forever feel sad that he left but my friend said today that didn’t mark the dissolution of my family instead it was a reorganization. I appreciated that perspective.

Very true.  I appreciate it too. I was only recently reflecting on the fact that I am very certain that my relationship with my kids would not be as good as it is if H had stayed at home.  I wouldn't trade that.  We are a tight unit for having been through this together.  There is deep trust between us.

I am so glad to hear that life is very enjoyable for you now. 
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D19, D17 and S15

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #23 on: August 08, 2019, 06:31:56 PM »
Nice update. 

Your kids are busy.   

Are you a teacher?  Just asking because I also go back to work in about 12 days!  I've had to do a few summer school work days so I've sort of stayed in the swing of things. 

I think your friend's comment is perfect. 

Five years and you've come out the other side.  We are strong people, that's for sure. 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #24 on: August 09, 2019, 03:11:24 AM »
I will forever feel sad that he left but my friend said today that didn’t mark the dissolution of my family instead it was a reorganization. I appreciated that perspective.

OK, now THIS is a brilliant piece of insight... I spent the first year or so in "dissolution" thinking before no longer seeing it as the destruction of the family but the creation of 2 families (reorg as your friend so aptly put it)

My kids go back to school on Monday and some districts back in my home area of Colorado started this past Monday so, yep, it is that time of year again...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #25 on: August 09, 2019, 01:50:59 PM »
 A reorganization... I like that. Thank you for sharing.

Our kids are the same gender and ages so I always feel like we live similar lives in that regard. My 21st wedding anniversary is next year.  Sigh.

The disconnect between the kids and Dad is one of most mind boggling issues for me in all of this. The kids don't feel like a priority to Dad (which is crazy) and so the result is the kids don't make Dad a priority in their lives. I assume this will only get worse as they get older and put a set of adult eyeballs on the whole situation and make their own lives and families.

I am rambling... but you sound great and I am glad to hear you have a someone in your life and that you are happy. We have all come a long way.   

 
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Disillusioned

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #26 on: August 09, 2019, 02:53:33 PM »

The disconnect between the kids and Dad is one of most mind boggling issues for me in all of this. The kids don't feel like a priority to Dad (which is crazy) and so the result is the kids don't make Dad a priority in their lives. I assume this will only get worse as they get older and put a set of adult eyeballs on the whole situation and make their own lives and families.
 

Cat's In The Cradle writ large in MLC script.  Sad.  I haven't accepted less than 50% with my D8.  I don't know how anyone can do this to their children.  It does show they are in a crises, though.
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #27 on: August 10, 2019, 12:37:52 AM »

The disconnect between the kids and Dad is one of most mind boggling issues for me in all of this. The kids don't feel like a priority to Dad (which is crazy) and so the result is the kids don't make Dad a priority in their lives. I assume this will only get worse as they get older and put a set of adult eyeballs on the whole situation and make their own lives and families.
 

Cat's In The Cradle writ large in MLC script.  Sad.  I haven't accepted less than 50% with my D8.  I don't know how anyone can do this to their children.  It does show they are in a crises, though.

Dis,

I was "graciously" offered every 2nd WEEKEND with my kids by STBXW. I just as graciously declined her offer and said they were going to be with me 50% and that was not negotiable. She was quite surprised for some reason....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline ReallytryingTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #28 on: September 05, 2019, 06:20:14 AM »
I find myself in a very thinking almost triggered space right now.

Things have been going very well. I have had a fun and relaxing summer which began slowly coming to an end last week. H bday was a little over a week ago. He came to get the kids. This was the first year in 28 years that I was in no way involved in celebrating his bday. I returned to work that week. On Thursday I went on a date with the man I’ve been seeing for the past 4 months. H asked D who I was with and she told him. He texted me the entire time I was out and even called me once. He texted the entire next day too. So strange. He has taken up yet another new hobby - hunting so part of his texting was telling me all about that.

He asked if he could get the kids on Sunday until Monday. I said sure. He was having a cookout. I felt very left out. I struggled with feeling angry that someone else stepped in and took over my life and my friends. D expressed something similar because she felt like an outsider there. I hate that this experience has made her feel tangential to her dads life. She decided not to spend the night and came home.

H brought S home the following night. I had asked him to get S a haircut for his first day of school. He did not do it. Said they decided to go to the batting cage instead. I was angry and told him that he was the firetrucking parent. He responded with “I’m leaving”. The man I’ve been seeing came over - he knew I was upset and wanted to support me. It ended up being a very emotional evening with him and I felt very close to him and I think he felt the same way. He’s been distant since that which could be adjusting to back to school or all the craziness going on in his own life but the distance triggers me. A leftover trigger  from BD that I am trying to get over.

The kids both had their first days of school. S14 starting high school and D17 a senior. She drove to school with my friend and I fell apart. I cried and cried. So many emotions that day. I’ve felt off kilter ever since. H is out of town and neglected to mention it so I’m left dealing with drop off and pick up of body kids on my own. S school now starts at 7:45 which is way earlier than the 9:30 start from the last few years and it is quite the adjustment.

This morning I was driving to work and felt teary again. I realize that today would be FIL bday. The beginnings of MLC started when he died in 2012. Tomorrow would be my friend bday and then next week is 18 years since she passed away on 9/11. It just feels like there are too many feels right now 😱

Online Treasur

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #29 on: September 05, 2019, 07:13:23 AM »
I'm sorry, Really, so so sorry.
No matter what our head tells us, no matter how much better we have managed to create....there are just times when the sad comes aren't there? Bc we did lose things that mattered even if it was beyond our control, even if we have rebuilt things as well as you have done.

I was just putting together some wine bottles for recycling and suddenly realised that one of them had a picture of my xh on it, part of a joke gift between him and my dad. Hadn't even noticed when I had opened the bottle last month but there it was. And I just stopped and didn't breathe for a moment. That one small bottle carried a thousand things with it...all things that are gone.

I don't like the residual triggers just as you don't I guess but that just seems to come with loss. And old grief. And grief comes from love ofvwhat we lost after all doesn't it? If those times or people had not mattered, we wouldn't get smacked on the nose by the sads. It's normal...all the more reminder really that MLC spouses don't feel that way usually bc they are no longer quite normal.

But I'm sorry and I hope you are feeling better now.

Can't remember, sorry, but are you still choosing to Stand?
« Last Edit: September 05, 2019, 07:42:55 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MourningDove

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #30 on: September 05, 2019, 07:40:04 AM »
Reallytrying - this time of year is especially tough for you with the start up of school. I don't know about you, but no matter how long I have been at this, the combination of being invigorated on the one hand and stressed out on the other, because  we all know that with a new semester and new students there are going to be new balls thrown into the air for us to juggle, it is a lot to navigate. And if those balls thrown into the juggling mix have the potential to be grenades, we have that to contend with. LOL.

Add the addition of kids of our own and MLCers who refuse to be an adult, it complicates things.

So, emotions all over the place, especially in your situation with the other things that are rolling around in your head, is understandable.

Have your meltdowns if you need to.

And the distancing - yah, that is a huge trigger for me as well. Ignoring or feeling like I am not even a thought is tough when it involves people I care about. And, it is not something you can explain to someone in RL. It is different than lets say, perhaps that friend you know you don't always hear from and can pick up right where you left off. This is a very different feeling and it is hard to know if it is a feeling that has any merit or if it is a trigger. I imagine with someone you are dating, it would really be a hard one to work through, just from the standpoint that is how many of us were introduced to MLC - that slow, dismissed by our spouses progression before BD. But, we have to step back and remind ourselves that this new person isn't our spouse and do our own checks and balances to see if our triggers have any validity, or is it pure over analyzing. Most of the time, it is the latter.

As far as the MLCer goes - kmt. LOL

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #31 on: September 05, 2019, 03:22:03 PM »
I always found the beginning of a new school year to be emotional.

Feeling left out when your kids are with their dad is also pretty usual.

I have talked to friends who are dating who are happy in their relationships but they tell me it is the same really regarding the feelings they have for their husbands. It's not that they are not happy with their relationship, it's just that they continue to miss their family.

Remember, we never wanted this.

How does one ever feel that this is OK? We can adjust and accept and make a life...but to accept that this is ok or better than what we once had? For some of us, it just isn't possible.

As my therapist explained...it is like a circular "slinky" as we continue to progress forward and sometimes we revers and go backward a bit but we don't go so far back.

I hope yo feel better soon.  ((((((HUGS)))))))))))
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

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Offline hopeandfaith

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #32 on: September 05, 2019, 06:58:06 PM »
I really liked your reply Mourning Dove.  Such wise counsel in regards to the new man and his distancing.

Re: H, I get the sense that he knows that this guy is special and there is a little bit of petulance there.

I hope this latest dip moves past quickly and you find your groove again.  Cos I know that your groove is a groovy groove  ;) 8)
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D19, D17 and S15

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #33 on: September 06, 2019, 01:19:49 AM »

And the distancing - yah, that is a huge trigger for me as well. Ignoring or feeling like I am not even a thought is tough when it involves people I care about. And, it is not something you can explain to someone in RL. It is different than lets say, perhaps that friend you know you don't always hear from and can pick up right where you left off. This is a very different feeling and it is hard to know if it is a feeling that has any merit or if it is a trigger. I imagine with someone you are dating, it would really be a hard one to work through, just from the standpoint that is how many of us were introduced to MLC - that slow, dismissed by our spouses progression before BD. But, we have to step back and remind ourselves that this new person isn't our spouse and do our own checks and balances to see if our triggers have any validity, or is it pure over analyzing. Most of the time, it is the latter.


Wow! Now HERE is some Gospel truth from the Dove......

I have talked to friends who are dating who are happy in their relationships but they tell me it is the same really regarding the feelings they have for their ex-spouses. It's not that they are not happy with their relationship, it's just that they continue to miss their family.

And XYZ makes a very good point (OK, I altered her words a bit as not all of us have husbands <snort>)... this can also be a trigger for those we may be involved with (as in "dating")  I mean, if you look at the fact that, unless we are dating a 50-something year-old virgin who has never been in a relationship before (what could POSSIBLY be a red flag about THAT situation? ::) ) they too are going to have some sort of "baggage" and their own triggers.... and our missing our family could be that trigger for them as well because they know they are NOT that "old" family that we are missing so are they considered "less than?" A replacement? A "gap-" or "Hole-filler?"  So we end up with a mutual triggering society.... <EEEEEEK!>
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Offline ReallytryingTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #34 on: September 07, 2019, 01:51:08 PM »
Treasur I am not actively standing or I wouldn’t date. I have always maintained that if H chose to return and was willing to do the work I would absolutely give it a shot. But I am no longer putting my own life on hold. If he chooses to come back he’s gonna have to work to win me back in many ways.

MD - thanks for that perspective. In my case I think lots of my issues come down to over analyzing and reading into things. I need to remember any new person is NOT H.

Xyzcf - that’s exactly it. I miss what my family used to be while I’m adjusting to what my family is now.

Hope - I’m gonna get my groovy groove back for sure 😂😂😂

UM - lol. It’s a gigantic trigger fest. The new person may rightly fear that they are simply a placeholder. I guess with all these things it just takes careful and thoughtful navigation to get through each new bump.

Offline MourningDove

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #35 on: September 07, 2019, 04:47:41 PM »
LOL - I only have this perspective because I have had to analyze this more times than I care to admit in my own situation. And it is a MLC after affect.

And, it is not a RL conversation because people assume right away, at least in my experience, that it is an insecurity you have. And, I have found it isn't something that permeates my whole life. It flares up and maybe that is why is such a jarring trigger.

I have found that in a couple of cases it has been warranted - my reaction. I have a friend who is going through her own MLC now and I must admit this "trigger" provided me a chance to step back and see that is what is happening with her. And, like my Xh, she has distanced, yet comes looking for me when she is "bored" now. It was a sad occurrence, but I have in turn pushed myself away from her because my advice and encouragement to seek help have fallen on deaf ears. I have instead come to a certain level of peace in detaching.

In other cases, it has not been as simple to overcome. I have found I require more honesty from people. I don't want to be left guessing and even if the truth hurts, it is better than having that feeling of being ignored or dismissed, because it is a trigger.

RT - Yah, you know darn well I will tell you if that fine wine is turning to vinegar - LOL  ;)

Offline Couragedearheart

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #36 on: September 07, 2019, 05:04:02 PM »
What’s the hurt behind the hurt in the being ignored? Is it the rejection? The not being valued/having your time or presence valued? Is it the abandonment?
I am learning....in tiny incremental measures that my hurt behind the hurt goes back so much further than almost anything the MLCer could possibly do. The first person to abandon me was bio F and I was one....he’d didnt value me enough to stay, to come back, to ever even try to find me...every abandonment or rejection following that one has reinforced my internal message that I’m not worth enough for anyone to fight for or choose me.
All this to simply say...if I can grieve that wound, and I’m working on it, and choose for myself that the message of abandonment or rejection I tell myself is a belief I no longer need or want, I can then write a new internal script to replace that old message...my trigger doesn’t have to be a trigger, all a trigger is after all is someone poking an in-healed wound.
Triggers are after all just a way of highlighting the places we need to heal.
It seems so simple when I write it out that way...
But simple like saying you climb Mount Everest by taking one step after another. 😂
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline MourningDove

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #37 on: September 07, 2019, 06:09:17 PM »
Couragedearheart - IDK. I think triggers are different for each person. I am not so sure in my case there is a hurt behind the hurt. I never experienced any abandonment in my life prior to my Xh. For me, it is more of a trauma response in that being ignored was exactly how my Xh started the MLC path before BD. And it doesn't happen every time I am ignored. This is very different.

I liken it to when I had an accident where a bicyclist pulled out in front of me in an intersection and I hit them. It did not prevent me from driving again and I didn't go into a melt down. I still drive through that intersection, but at times, if a bicyclist is near that intersection, there is a feeling I get. It is not crippling, but it is a trigger of sorts. It is that feeling of a protective wall shooting up and making me pause.

My triggers feel more like that now. That pause and a feeling of not being sure if I should be fearful or if it is just over analyzing. It is about being uncertain within my own self in those moments. That feeling that arose when Xh started pulling the same garbage. And I had been friends with my Xh and together with him for nearly 30 years. It is that little bit of trust being tested in not only the other person, but in my own instincts.

Offline Couragedearheart

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #38 on: September 07, 2019, 06:14:23 PM »
Morning dove,
I strive to be at that place...progress not perfection. ❤️
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline ReallytryingTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #39 on: October 06, 2019, 06:06:10 AM »
Interesting that another month has gone by. I realized recently that it’s now been 6 years since BD. I honestly can’t believe how much time has gone by.

My favorite baseball team is in the playoffs. H wanted to take s to the game. It hurt my feelings because he knew I wanted to go as well. I can’t quite understand why us being out in public with our kid is so hard for him (or OW?). Anyway I’m getting much better at letting the hurt go. At not expecting more from him than he can give me. I watched from home with the guy I’m dating. H texted the entire time - so excluding me on one hand but including me on the other. Thankfully the team has moved on to the next round so S and I are going to a playoff game tomorrow.

My bday is coming up. I’m turning 45!  Bdays trigger me because it’s odd to me to not have him with me. This year I realized I was missing my family so I booked a flight home. My brother is sooo excited. Him and my parents are gonna throw me a party. At first h said he was available to keep S who didn’t want to go and now it turns out he has all these plans that weekend that he forgot about. Luckily s can stay with a friend so he won’t have to miss his first homecoming.  But I’m just struck once again by how self involved H has become. No effort to help figure it out. It was all on me to solve it 🤷🏽‍♀️

Things are going ok with the guy I’m dating. Dating has been a huge part of my healing and growth because it exposes where the tender spots still are - don’t know if that makes sense. That person tends to retreat into himself when he is tired or stressed. I struggle to not always personalize that. Putting into practice the adage I learned in counseling “assume neutral”. I find I fear being abandoned or hurt again. The beauty of all this is I realize that though dating  makes me vulnerable again I know that come what may I will survive it.  MLC exposes a deep strength of character that I did not know was there. Recovering from the aftermath of MLC gave me a refocus on living in the moment and finding joy in my life as it is now not in how I thought it would be.

Overall I’m in a good place. A few wrinkles here and there but my good friends here can usually slap some sense back into me.

Offline ReallytryingTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #40 on: October 06, 2019, 06:27:28 AM »
Forgot to add that OW has now been introduced consistently to SIL, MIL and family which initially made me sad. Like somehow I was gonna be replaced. Rationally I know that h is her brother but it still makes me sad - SIL and I grew up together just like H and I did. Anyway when I mentioned to SIL that I was going home for my bday she said “what dates?”  Her next words were let me check my schedule. If I can swing it I’m coming with you. I needed that reminder that I can’t be replaced. Whether h stays with her or not has no bearing anymore on my relationship with SIL who has consistently shown her loyalty to me. She then asked if we’d come there for Christmas.

Offline Shelly7435

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #41 on: October 06, 2019, 08:33:15 AM »
What a kind, loving SIL you have! Mlc is just crazy. Sorry you didn’t get to go to the game but glad they are moving forward!
M 53
H 48
M 12 years; together 17 years
D18, S28
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 Now off and on vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #42 on: October 06, 2019, 04:14:14 PM »
They are such strange creatures. Just floating along like a formless jellyfish in a vast ocean. No real direction or purpose. No accountability for their actions.  It boggles the mind.

I have done a lot of healing these past few years but I am not sure that I could ever heal enough to trust anyone with my whole heart again. There might always be a part of me wondering what I was missing. I can only hope that maybe I will get to a place that I wouldn’t care because I knew I could stand on my own no matter what. Sigh.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #43 on: October 06, 2019, 10:50:49 PM »
You will never truly be replaced RT, you are the queen and she is the wicked witch.  There's no comparison, these ow's are broken and plain broken, needy and controlling.

The family will see through her unless they are as fogged in as your H.  The thick fog tends to run in families, along with stupidity so don't expect too much from them.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #44 on: October 11, 2019, 04:44:47 PM »
But I’m just struck once again by how self involved H has become. No effort to help figure it out. It was all on me to solve it 🤷🏽‍♀️


That always gets me too. Sometimes I want to scream, "How do you think it is fair that I do EVERYTHING for our child and you do nothing???"  I mean, is it the MLC? Or were they always like that?

I'm happy you are healing RT. It is such a hard thing to do after all we've been through.

And of course you are irreplaceable my dear. OW has nothing on you, and she knows it.  I love thinking about how jealous she will be when she finds out SIL went on that trip with you! Sorry. I know these things shouldn't cause me delight. But, I'm a tad immature like that.
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline ReallytryingTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #45 on: October 12, 2019, 06:12:03 AM »
DF - I think you do get there eventually. Maybe you don’t trust as easily or as quickly. But I think there is a point where my desire for that connection overshadows my fear of being hurt again. Just this week I had a medical procedure that scared me and I wasn’t able to complete. I was very upset about it. I did not reach out for support as I was going through it. MourningDove reminded me that I didn’t have to carry everything alone. I think us LBS get so good at coping and managing we forget that burdens are easier if shared.

SF, KIT, Shelly - last night SIL sent me a pic of her confirmed itinerary. It really touched me that she’s flying in for the weekend to be there for my bday. She’s staying with me at my parents house. 90% of the time I don’t care but this time I do truly hope it upsets OW to know that even after all these years the bond of sisterhood and friendship between me and SIL is very solid. Since BD we’ve now had my 40th bday, her 40th and now coming up on my 45th and we have celebrated them all together. Kids and I are also planning to go to SIL for Christmas.

In the meantime my favorite baseball team is still in it 💃🏻💃🏻💃🏻

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #46 on: October 12, 2019, 04:35:14 PM »
Sounds like you are cooking up a fun birthday weekend with SIL!!

My D told me the funniest you can never be replaced story. My speciality for the family events is deviled eggs. My nephew loved them!! He would shriek with delight when I arrived with my deviled eggs. It got so I started making two batches. One for the event and a private stash for nephew.

Anyway, D asked me if I could make them for her to take to Thanksgiving at dysfunction junction this year. I said well they are not really a Thanksgiving  thing... how about I make a loaf of pumpkin bread for you to take. She said no... I want to bring YOUR deviled eggs for nephew. She then proceeded to tell me that nephew has whined about my deviled eggs at every family function since BD. So xMIL made them at the last family function and D said they were awful. She said nephew announced that they weren’t as good as DFs. D said there they sat in the middle of the table staring at everyone.

D said the only thing she could think of that would be better would be for the deviled eggs in the middle of the table to actually be mine.

I think the LBS is a ghost at every family function OW attends. And I am sure SIL is not jetting off to celebrate OW’s birthday anytime soon!!

I hope that your medical issues are not serious and quickly resolved. (Hugs) I am glad you have MD to help you carry your troubles.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #47 on: October 14, 2019, 03:05:20 AM »
Make sure you send deviled eggs to every function at dysfunction junction.  Love the thought of those staring at everyone there ;D
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #48 on: October 14, 2019, 03:28:27 AM »
RT,

Yes, it does become "matter of fact" that the LBS just sucks it up, smiles, and keeps on carrying on... and yes, it is VERY true that a shared burden is less of a burden... sometimes to the point that we no longer even consider it a burden... or at least that someone has our back, if you will...

@DF, you could put a half of a green olive with the pimento on each egg to REALLY make it look like an eye... or maybe a googly eye? <heh>

« Last Edit: October 22, 2019, 04:06:56 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #49 on: October 14, 2019, 03:30:56 AM »
Love it Ursa ;D
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #50 on: October 22, 2019, 03:02:02 AM »
Hi RT!
Just catching up. I’ve been awol for some time :-\
So sorry! Hoping to update some but wanted to say hi to my strong friend!
H sounds like he’s aware of his loss and you sound like you feel he’s aware!
What I mean is you can sense he’s struggling and it hurts and confuses you just as much now as it did at the start!
The words “I’m leaving “ coming my H’s mouth can still trigger me😞

Back soon I promise!
Hugs 31
Hurting people hurt people :(

 

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