Author Topic: My Story Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8  (Read 1403 times)

Offline handpuppets

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My Story Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #20 on: July 10, 2019, 10:00:32 PM »
Attaching (so I don't lose this thread); my heart is happy for you, my friend. <3
“Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.” -Anne Lamott

Offline ReallytryingTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #21 on: August 08, 2019, 03:15:35 PM »
Its been awhile since I’ve updated. I’m not at work over the summer so I sometimes don’t remember the date. I logged on to Facebook and at the top of my feed was a memory from 6 years ago. Hence the reminder that today would be my 21st wedding anniversary. I looked at the pic for a bit and then I smiled and moved on. I felt a little sad but more because I date that was once so special is now just another day on the calendar. I still feel sad for all that we could have been.

On the flip side though I am generally happy with where I am in my life. It looks so different from what my original plan was but it is filled with joy.

D is getting ready to start her senior year of high school and after a very tough year seems happy and carefree. She’s gotten a job and has enjoyed spending time with her friends.
S is getting ready to start high school. He’s had a busy summer and is hoping to keep on playing both soccer and baseball.
I have had a fun summer hanging out with friends and getting to know someone in a romantic capacity. I go back to work in about 10 days after 3 months off.

H is visiting his family with OW. He asked the kids if they wanted to go with him and they both declined - and that was before they even knew ow was going. I feel sad for his tangential role in their lives but I can’t fix it. He has to do that work.

2 days from now will mark 5 years since H left. It’s amazing how much we’ve all changed from that day which remains one of the lowest points in my life. We survived what tried to break us and now we are on the other side stronger from the experience. I will forever feel sad that he left but my friend said today that didn’t mark the dissolution of my family instead it was a reorganization. I appreciated that perspective.

Offline hopeandfaith

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #22 on: August 08, 2019, 04:30:17 PM »
I will forever feel sad that he left but my friend said today that didn’t mark the dissolution of my family instead it was a reorganization. I appreciated that perspective.

Very true.  I appreciate it too. I was only recently reflecting on the fact that I am very certain that my relationship with my kids would not be as good as it is if H had stayed at home.  I wouldn't trade that.  We are a tight unit for having been through this together.  There is deep trust between us.

I am so glad to hear that life is very enjoyable for you now. 
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D19, D17 and S15

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #23 on: August 08, 2019, 06:31:56 PM »
Nice update. 

Your kids are busy.   

Are you a teacher?  Just asking because I also go back to work in about 12 days!  I've had to do a few summer school work days so I've sort of stayed in the swing of things. 

I think your friend's comment is perfect. 

Five years and you've come out the other side.  We are strong people, that's for sure. 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #24 on: August 09, 2019, 03:11:24 AM »
I will forever feel sad that he left but my friend said today that didn’t mark the dissolution of my family instead it was a reorganization. I appreciated that perspective.

OK, now THIS is a brilliant piece of insight... I spent the first year or so in "dissolution" thinking before no longer seeing it as the destruction of the family but the creation of 2 families (reorg as your friend so aptly put it)

My kids go back to school on Monday and some districts back in my home area of Colorado started this past Monday so, yep, it is that time of year again...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #25 on: August 09, 2019, 01:50:59 PM »
 A reorganization... I like that. Thank you for sharing.

Our kids are the same gender and ages so I always feel like we live similar lives in that regard. My 21st wedding anniversary is next year.  Sigh.

The disconnect between the kids and Dad is one of most mind boggling issues for me in all of this. The kids don't feel like a priority to Dad (which is crazy) and so the result is the kids don't make Dad a priority in their lives. I assume this will only get worse as they get older and put a set of adult eyeballs on the whole situation and make their own lives and families.

I am rambling... but you sound great and I am glad to hear you have a someone in your life and that you are happy. We have all come a long way.   

 
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Disillusioned

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #26 on: August 09, 2019, 02:53:33 PM »

The disconnect between the kids and Dad is one of most mind boggling issues for me in all of this. The kids don't feel like a priority to Dad (which is crazy) and so the result is the kids don't make Dad a priority in their lives. I assume this will only get worse as they get older and put a set of adult eyeballs on the whole situation and make their own lives and families.
 

Cat's In The Cradle writ large in MLC script.  Sad.  I haven't accepted less than 50% with my D8.  I don't know how anyone can do this to their children.  It does show they are in a crises, though.
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #27 on: August 10, 2019, 12:37:52 AM »

The disconnect between the kids and Dad is one of most mind boggling issues for me in all of this. The kids don't feel like a priority to Dad (which is crazy) and so the result is the kids don't make Dad a priority in their lives. I assume this will only get worse as they get older and put a set of adult eyeballs on the whole situation and make their own lives and families.
 

Cat's In The Cradle writ large in MLC script.  Sad.  I haven't accepted less than 50% with my D8.  I don't know how anyone can do this to their children.  It does show they are in a crises, though.

Dis,

I was "graciously" offered every 2nd WEEKEND with my kids by STBXW. I just as graciously declined her offer and said they were going to be with me 50% and that was not negotiable. She was quite surprised for some reason....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline ReallytryingTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #28 on: September 05, 2019, 06:20:14 AM »
I find myself in a very thinking almost triggered space right now.

Things have been going very well. I have had a fun and relaxing summer which began slowly coming to an end last week. H bday was a little over a week ago. He came to get the kids. This was the first year in 28 years that I was in no way involved in celebrating his bday. I returned to work that week. On Thursday I went on a date with the man I’ve been seeing for the past 4 months. H asked D who I was with and she told him. He texted me the entire time I was out and even called me once. He texted the entire next day too. So strange. He has taken up yet another new hobby - hunting so part of his texting was telling me all about that.

He asked if he could get the kids on Sunday until Monday. I said sure. He was having a cookout. I felt very left out. I struggled with feeling angry that someone else stepped in and took over my life and my friends. D expressed something similar because she felt like an outsider there. I hate that this experience has made her feel tangential to her dads life. She decided not to spend the night and came home.

H brought S home the following night. I had asked him to get S a haircut for his first day of school. He did not do it. Said they decided to go to the batting cage instead. I was angry and told him that he was the firetrucking parent. He responded with “I’m leaving”. The man I’ve been seeing came over - he knew I was upset and wanted to support me. It ended up being a very emotional evening with him and I felt very close to him and I think he felt the same way. He’s been distant since that which could be adjusting to back to school or all the craziness going on in his own life but the distance triggers me. A leftover trigger  from BD that I am trying to get over.

The kids both had their first days of school. S14 starting high school and D17 a senior. She drove to school with my friend and I fell apart. I cried and cried. So many emotions that day. I’ve felt off kilter ever since. H is out of town and neglected to mention it so I’m left dealing with drop off and pick up of body kids on my own. S school now starts at 7:45 which is way earlier than the 9:30 start from the last few years and it is quite the adjustment.

This morning I was driving to work and felt teary again. I realize that today would be FIL bday. The beginnings of MLC started when he died in 2012. Tomorrow would be my friend bday and then next week is 18 years since she passed away on 9/11. It just feels like there are too many feels right now 😱

Online Treasur

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Re: Crazy Train to Nowhere - 8
« Reply #29 on: September 05, 2019, 07:13:23 AM »
I'm sorry, Really, so so sorry.
No matter what our head tells us, no matter how much better we have managed to create....there are just times when the sad comes aren't there? Bc we did lose things that mattered even if it was beyond our control, even if we have rebuilt things as well as you have done.

I was just putting together some wine bottles for recycling and suddenly realised that one of them had a picture of my xh on it, part of a joke gift between him and my dad. Hadn't even noticed when I had opened the bottle last month but there it was. And I just stopped and didn't breathe for a moment. That one small bottle carried a thousand things with it...all things that are gone.

I don't like the residual triggers just as you don't I guess but that just seems to come with loss. And old grief. And grief comes from love ofvwhat we lost after all doesn't it? If those times or people had not mattered, we wouldn't get smacked on the nose by the sads. It's normal...all the more reminder really that MLC spouses don't feel that way usually bc they are no longer quite normal.

But I'm sorry and I hope you are feeling better now.

Can't remember, sorry, but are you still choosing to Stand?
« Last Edit: September 05, 2019, 07:42:55 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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