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Author Topic: My Story Get Through Today

M
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My Story Get Through Today
OP: June 24, 2019, 11:56:20 PM
New thread time...didn't have a great idea for a name so I went with what I need to do right now - "get through today"

Old thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10322.0
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Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

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Re: Get Through Today
#1: June 25, 2019, 12:14:35 AM
Coming along music cx
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Me 52
H53
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

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Re: Get Through Today
#2: June 25, 2019, 01:27:38 AM
Music

Excellent title. This is a horrible time in your story but you do sound strong and always have good advice for others so once you find your feet again you’ll keep moving forward and living, as Help says.

Until then - get through today.
Rose 🌹
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Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

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Re: Get Through Today
#3: June 25, 2019, 01:39:06 AM
Music,

Coming from your last thread, if you want to write a letter in response as a way to get whatever out of your heart, do so ... just don't send it... .Hold on to it, burn it, shred it, whatever..... but, if it feels right to get it out in that way, then there is nothing wrong with doing it.....

And, I see you are in the MLC vs. Walk-Away debate, right on schedule. We all do that, usually repeatedly.... But, as you noted, since he's also abandoning his kids, it is VERY MLC'ish behaviour and, to be honest, does it really make a difference? If we are to live as if they are not coming back, then it makes NO difference if it is MLC or something else. The result is the same - we live our lives and live them better, we grow, we make progress, we rediscover ourselves. IF it is MLC and, at some point the Mid-Lifer gets their head out of their ..... fog.... and wants to reconnect/reconcile, we get to decide if that is what we want or not.

If "Standing" is synonymous with "Stasis" then there is something wrong. This is a time to be used to do our own work and proceed with our own growth.

This event too will pass... Maybe like a kidney stone... but it WILL pass... and like BD, you will make it through this.... Going Black Hole Dark is the right thing to do for YOUR own emotional stability. He has strung you along with his messages for long enough, making sure you were where he left you and where he wanted.  Now it is time for him to really feel the consequences of his actions and ignoring his bids via WhatsApp is one way. There is no need to respond to his anchor checks. Let him feel whatever he feels when you are no longer waiting at home for him.... That is the consequence of his action....

{{{{{Bear Hug}}}}}}
UM
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Get Through Today
#4: June 25, 2019, 03:22:42 AM
Attaching too Music, and I'm sorry about his latest antics.  He's still a mess so try not to take any of this personal. 
I think telling him you will no longer be his friend was the exact right thing to do.  Let him talk to his ow about his problems and get advice from her.  He WILL feel his loss.  But these are his consequences.

You are one strong woman. 

{{Big Hug}}
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

H
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Re: Get Through Today
#5: June 25, 2019, 03:27:44 AM
Following along
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S
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Re: Get Through Today
#6: June 25, 2019, 05:23:34 AM
Agree with others on not sending any response.

Is this an exit affair - who knows?  All that you do know at this moment in time is that your time has to now be focused on you and the children. 

So ignore his whatsapps/texts etc..... You've set a boundary - stick to it.  Initiate no contact unless about children. Understand that this too shall pass.

Say it to yourself over and over - This too shall pass.
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BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

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Re: Get Through Today
#7: June 25, 2019, 07:19:47 AM
Following along Music.
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"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

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Re: Get Through Today
#8: June 25, 2019, 08:54:03 AM
Hi Music

Your thread name caught my attention as that's how I've been feeling for the last couple of days.. I just caught up with the last few pages of your last thread and I can understand why you feel the way you do.. I found out my H was with OW 3 weeks ago.. Up to now I thought it was fantasy and there were not really together and like you, I felt like I was BDed again when I realized she was pretty much in the picture and who knows for how long..

I agree with others, I wouldn't reply to his letter. Sometimes I wonder if they do those things to simply manipulate us or that they are so confused that they do things they feel at the time which then seem to get erased after 10 minutes.. Either way, the effect is the same. We (LBS) see all sorts of "signs" and the hope makes us hang on a little longer.. And yes, in a way we allow this to happen because we want them back in our lives but eventually (after many slaps) we realize we can't take the hurt anymore and we change our behavior to protect ourselves. Maybe that time has arrived now for you, I'm very sorry you are going through this..

I also placed a lot of importance on the reasons why he left... MLC vs WAS.. A few people here told me it didn't make any difference and I couldn't understand how it wouldn't.. But I fully agree with UM now, it really doesn't change anything. They are gone now and we don't know if they will ever come back so we really need to live life like they walked away for good... maybe the future brings an expected surprise. Hugs
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H - 43 (40 @BD1)
M - 43 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019
H gets engaged with OW (we are not divorced) - Oct 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

K
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Re: Get Through Today
#9: June 25, 2019, 04:50:40 PM
Oh boy--I am so sorry Music. The letter, the WhatsApp....soooooooooooooooooo MLC. What do they call it? Prisoner mode? My H does the same thing. Thanking me profusely for taking care of everything in his absence, as if he is off at war. Well, maybe they are truly. It hits you right in the gut though, I know. And magnified even more when there is communication daily making you believe things are getting better, or that he values you. Easy to fall into that trap. I look at this "move" though not about OW per se. This is a further means to escape, and perhaps another grasp at happy. A place where the kids can visit. Ummm, yeah, OK. B/c it would have been impossible to spend any time with them at any other location before this. No, this is him painting a fantasy picture of happiness that he is utterly incapable of completing. My H is constantly telling me he is going to be a better Father. Going to do this, that and the other with S. But never follows through. I don't believe he can. I think seeing even the kids is too painful for some of these MLCers.

Anyway, sorry Music. This is painful stuff. I do think it is even more painful for them. No that it helps us any.  Hugs friend. How sweet of D to come have a cuddle with you. Sounds like just what the Dr ordered.
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Me 49
H 47
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

 

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