Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story Get Through Today

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
My Story Get Through Today
OP: June 24, 2019, 11:56:20 PM
New thread time...didn't have a great idea for a name so I went with what I need to do right now - "get through today"

Old thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10322.0
  • Logged
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1584
  • Gender: Female
  • Mlc- Cake eater for 3 yr now vanisher
Re: Get Through Today
#1: June 25, 2019, 12:14:35 AM
Coming along music cx
  • Logged
Me 52
H53
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1200
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#2: June 25, 2019, 01:27:38 AM
Music

Excellent title. This is a horrible time in your story but you do sound strong and always have good advice for others so once you find your feet again you’ll keep moving forward and living, as Help says.

Until then - get through today.
Rose 🌹
  • Logged
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10516
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Re: Get Through Today
#3: June 25, 2019, 01:39:06 AM
Music,

Coming from your last thread, if you want to write a letter in response as a way to get whatever out of your heart, do so ... just don't send it... .Hold on to it, burn it, shred it, whatever..... but, if it feels right to get it out in that way, then there is nothing wrong with doing it.....

And, I see you are in the MLC vs. Walk-Away debate, right on schedule. We all do that, usually repeatedly.... But, as you noted, since he's also abandoning his kids, it is VERY MLC'ish behaviour and, to be honest, does it really make a difference? If we are to live as if they are not coming back, then it makes NO difference if it is MLC or something else. The result is the same - we live our lives and live them better, we grow, we make progress, we rediscover ourselves. IF it is MLC and, at some point the Mid-Lifer gets their head out of their ..... fog.... and wants to reconnect/reconcile, we get to decide if that is what we want or not.

If "Standing" is synonymous with "Stasis" then there is something wrong. This is a time to be used to do our own work and proceed with our own growth.

This event too will pass... Maybe like a kidney stone... but it WILL pass... and like BD, you will make it through this.... Going Black Hole Dark is the right thing to do for YOUR own emotional stability. He has strung you along with his messages for long enough, making sure you were where he left you and where he wanted.  Now it is time for him to really feel the consequences of his actions and ignoring his bids via WhatsApp is one way. There is no need to respond to his anchor checks. Let him feel whatever he feels when you are no longer waiting at home for him.... That is the consequence of his action....

{{{{{Bear Hug}}}}}}
UM
  • Logged
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 23391
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#4: June 25, 2019, 03:22:42 AM
Attaching too Music, and I'm sorry about his latest antics.  He's still a mess so try not to take any of this personal. 
I think telling him you will no longer be his friend was the exact right thing to do.  Let him talk to his ow about his problems and get advice from her.  He WILL feel his loss.  But these are his consequences.

You are one strong woman. 

{{Big Hug}}
  • Logged
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

H
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2433
  • Gender: Male
Re: Get Through Today
#5: June 25, 2019, 03:27:44 AM
Following along
  • Logged

S
  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 6103
  • Gender: Female
  • Strength and honour are her clothing;
Re: Get Through Today
#6: June 25, 2019, 05:23:34 AM
Agree with others on not sending any response.

Is this an exit affair - who knows?  All that you do know at this moment in time is that your time has to now be focused on you and the children. 

So ignore his whatsapps/texts etc..... You've set a boundary - stick to it.  Initiate no contact unless about children. Understand that this too shall pass.

Say it to yourself over and over - This too shall pass.
  • Logged
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 and still going with no sign of reconciliation.

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 744
  • Gender: Male
Re: Get Through Today
#7: June 25, 2019, 07:19:47 AM
Following along Music.
  • Logged
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1214
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#8: June 25, 2019, 08:54:03 AM
Hi Music

Your thread name caught my attention as that's how I've been feeling for the last couple of days.. I just caught up with the last few pages of your last thread and I can understand why you feel the way you do.. I found out my H was with OW 3 weeks ago.. Up to now I thought it was fantasy and there were not really together and like you, I felt like I was BDed again when I realized she was pretty much in the picture and who knows for how long..

I agree with others, I wouldn't reply to his letter. Sometimes I wonder if they do those things to simply manipulate us or that they are so confused that they do things they feel at the time which then seem to get erased after 10 minutes.. Either way, the effect is the same. We (LBS) see all sorts of "signs" and the hope makes us hang on a little longer.. And yes, in a way we allow this to happen because we want them back in our lives but eventually (after many slaps) we realize we can't take the hurt anymore and we change our behavior to protect ourselves. Maybe that time has arrived now for you, I'm very sorry you are going through this..

I also placed a lot of importance on the reasons why he left... MLC vs WAS.. A few people here told me it didn't make any difference and I couldn't understand how it wouldn't.. But I fully agree with UM now, it really doesn't change anything. They are gone now and we don't know if they will ever come back so we really need to live life like they walked away for good... maybe the future brings an expected surprise. Hugs
  • Logged
H - 43 (40 @BD1)
M - 43 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019
H gets engaged with OW (we are not divorced) - Oct 2019
H "finally" asks for divorce - Aug 2020

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

K
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 5547
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#9: June 25, 2019, 04:50:40 PM
Oh boy--I am so sorry Music. The letter, the WhatsApp....soooooooooooooooooo MLC. What do they call it? Prisoner mode? My H does the same thing. Thanking me profusely for taking care of everything in his absence, as if he is off at war. Well, maybe they are truly. It hits you right in the gut though, I know. And magnified even more when there is communication daily making you believe things are getting better, or that he values you. Easy to fall into that trap. I look at this "move" though not about OW per se. This is a further means to escape, and perhaps another grasp at happy. A place where the kids can visit. Ummm, yeah, OK. B/c it would have been impossible to spend any time with them at any other location before this. No, this is him painting a fantasy picture of happiness that he is utterly incapable of completing. My H is constantly telling me he is going to be a better Father. Going to do this, that and the other with S. But never follows through. I don't believe he can. I think seeing even the kids is too painful for some of these MLCers.

Anyway, sorry Music. This is painful stuff. I do think it is even more painful for them. No that it helps us any.  Hugs friend. How sweet of D to come have a cuddle with you. Sounds like just what the Dr ordered.
  • Logged
Me 49
H 47
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

L
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 8353
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#10: June 25, 2019, 06:08:45 PM
I absolutely love every word that Ursa Major wrote. Print it and put it on your fridge.
  • Logged
trying2bok

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#11: June 25, 2019, 11:05:18 PM
Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I keep re-reading your posts and am very grateful for each one. Humbled that a bunch of strangers will reach out and help - in RL, I don't have this support as the few who do know said I should have left him ages ago now.

Yep, message received re the letter. I think I knew not to reply really and so I'll move on from that one.

KiT - yes exactly, it feels like he's off to war and is telling me things in case he doesn't see me again.

As the dust begins to settle a little bit a few things he said are a bit clearer in my head - lots of emphasis on the financial necessity of this move. He kept coming back to that and in different ways, which is usually a signal that there's some truth in it I think. He could have moved in with OW [or similar] at any point - he has been out of our home for a year [and wasn't home often for 8 months before that] yet it's only now that he's moving. He changed job in Feb and does have less money so he's obviously hung on wherever he was until he couldn't do that anymore - so he's been in a proper fantasy world, floating about where he likes until now. Now he's committed to the OW by moving in to her place - and she's enabled all this by providing it. Given the amount of times he's left her and returned to me, it's a pretty odd thing to buy or rent a place for this man - if you're her, surely? Bit desperate? Sounds healthy doesn't it - he's getting somewhere to live, she's pinning him down? If she's the big love - why didn't he move to be with her last year? He had the money to commute to work [she lives and runs a business 200+ miles away and when he moves, he isn't moving in with her. She'll still be 150+ miles away from the place he'll be living]- he only sees S once a week [and D is at Uni so visits to her are limited anyway].

Well it doesn't matter because if I'm right or not, it's not my problem and whatever he got from keeping in touch with me has gone now. There'll just be him and his choices blowin' in the wind.

Thank you again. What an amazing bunch of people you are.



  • Logged
« Last Edit: June 25, 2019, 11:08:47 PM by Music45 »
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10708
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#12: June 25, 2019, 11:16:14 PM
Music...and how far you have come that you can look at these things with a more detached eye right?

I suspect you're right and that he has financial troubles. And ow has him by the short and curlies. Not unusual for an MLCer. Not your problem of course unless it affects you or your kids. As you say, let him live his choices while you get on with your own life.
  • Logged
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#13: June 26, 2019, 11:38:27 PM
Thanks Treasur - yes, you're right and I've bounced up a bit quicker. Still hurts. Still miss him. But I'm alright.

Ok, ok...and I think I know what I'm going to get here but the difference is that I'm writing this here and not to H.

There's something about this new deal he's set up for himself that is really bothering me - and that it's that he emphasised that this move is financially motivated. I remember a few other things about what he said and the way he said it. It's all to do with money. Now, that's fine on every level. He needs time. He needs space. I get all that but he's entering into a pact with the devil here. When he makes this move, how tied is he going to feel to her because of this alone? Does he think he has no other option because it sounded like it from some of the things he said. Does he think he's burnt his bridges back to me so may as well go with this?

There is a part of me that wants to remind him that he does have a choice - he can come home [spare room obvs] - though the "price" he'd pay for that is no contact with her.

I'm a bit torn by this. I know that going dark is the only thing to do and I should have done it sooner but this feels like something I should say to him before he commits to something that could make a bad situation worse.
I also understand that I have to leave him to his bad choices and that intervention is a kind of "rescue" - what's that quote about the lighthouse {i'm sorry, I forget on who's profile I've seen this} - the lighthouse stands and shows it's light - it doesn't go out into the storm looking for people to rescue.

Arrrgrrrrghhhhhhhh....at least I've put this on here...not contacted H already. I guess that's progress....sort of
  • Logged
« Last Edit: June 26, 2019, 11:39:36 PM by Music45 »
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10516
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Re: Get Through Today
#14: June 27, 2019, 12:09:01 AM
Ok, ok...and I think I know what I'm going to get here but the difference is that I'm writing this here and not to H.

Well.... since you asked so nicely... <whack whack whack> ROFL

I get all that but he's entering into a pact with the devil here. When he makes this move, how tied is he going to feel to her because of this alone? Does he think he has no other option because it sounded like it from some of the things he said. Does he think he's burnt his bridges back to me so may as well go with this?

Maybe to all of the above BUT (you knew there was a big ol' BUT hanging out there, right?) do you think you might have an influence on what he thinks? Can you control what he thinks? Can you change what he thinks? Didn't think so... He very well MIGHT feel tied to her now, obligated, as if he has no other choice. You can present him with a myriad of options and he will STILL believe he "has no choice" (which is clearly rubbish but they can't see that in their fog)

There is a part of me that wants to remind him that he does have a choice - he can come home [spare room obvs] - though the "price" he'd pay for that is no contact with her.

Is that the same part of you that wants to go stick a barbecue fork up your nose?  Seriously, he knows this by your behaviour and what you have previously said to him and, at the moment, the price of having no contact with Schmoopie is more than he is ready to pay...

I'm a bit torn by this. I know that going dark is the only thing to do and I should have done it sooner but this feels like something I should say to him before he commits to something that could make a bad situation worse.

How to look good putting on the Ms. FixIt hat there...


I also understand that I have to leave him to his bad choices and that intervention is a kind of "rescue" - what's that quote about the lighthouse {i'm sorry, I forget on who's profile I've seen this} - the lighthouse stands and shows it's light - it doesn't go out into the storm looking for people to rescue.

Arrrgrrrrghhhhhhhh....at least I've put this on here...not contacted H already. I guess that's progress....sort of

Yes, to all the above.... H is responsible for his decisions and for the consequences of those decisions... You (as the demon-spawn LBS form Hades) can NOT "help" him make those decisions and, to be blunt, anything you try to do to influence his decision will lead to you being blamed for the repercussions...

And yes, Lighthouses do NOT run all over the island looking for ships to rescue, that is a FACT.

And yes, dear Music, it IS progress.... But that is what we are here for....
  • Logged
« Last Edit: June 27, 2019, 12:32:48 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#15: June 27, 2019, 12:23:34 AM
OMG Ursa!  ;D ;D ;D
The first person to come back at me and it had to be you with your gif and your wise words of fire! Lol. You've cheered me up and have actually made me laugh this morning and "laughing" at anything MLC has been impossible for too long this week...
I have straight, blonde hair....now going to go out and purchase enormous pink hat!! This is a much better plan than anything else I've thought of myself re H.

THANK YOU Ursa.  8) ;D


{can't promise won't be back with other ridiculous thoughts from middle of the night LBS thinkiness, lol}
  • Logged
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10516
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Re: Get Through Today
#16: June 27, 2019, 12:34:02 AM
Middle of the night? It's 09:30 in the morning on Thursday on my side of the planet....  :o

that IS the down side of having members all over the world,.... One can get whacked with a 2x4 almost 24 hours per day....
  • Logged
« Last Edit: June 27, 2019, 12:35:52 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#17: June 27, 2019, 12:36:43 AM
Yes, I'm in the UK so only an hour behind you - but these thoughts come and knock in my brain in the middle of the night...that's when they wake you up and seem like a good idea!
  • Logged
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

W
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3568
  • Gender: Male
Re: Get Through Today
#18: June 27, 2019, 12:38:13 AM
Music, go out any buy that hat! Seriously, its summer so its all cool (and women in summer hats are kinda sexy). I bet you will feel great when you put it on  ;)
  • Logged
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1200
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#19: June 27, 2019, 02:00:55 AM
Music

You would suit that hat!

I’ve been pondering your idea about reminding H there’s a spare room at yours. I can see your point. So I thought of shocks sis being told by her H she could stay in their room. She wouldn’t have wanted it probably unless he suggested it now. She got to her own conclusion after her OM moved in with her and you can tell now how certain she is in her decision and that’s what you want from your H.

Acorns words too are always ‘leave him alone’ type of thing.

The difference is really that your H is not at BD and has been in touch with you daily so probably isn’t still hating you which is good. He’s moving forward. If I remember rightly BBHelp got to a stage where he went on vacation with his W at one point and when they came back she had bought a momento for OM! That’s when he took his eyes off her, and completely worked on himself.

So I’m summary (!) my pondering has got to the point of if you say ‘why dont you stay here for free but you can’t see OW anymore’ isn’t what you want. You want him to say to you ‘can I come and stay in the spare room and I won’t see OW anymore’ and he’s just not there yet. So keep your eyes off him.

Rose 🌹
  • Logged
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1676
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Get Through Today
#20: June 27, 2019, 10:09:36 AM
Music....stalking mostly but I second what Rose said!
  • Logged
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

K
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 5547
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#21: June 27, 2019, 11:01:44 AM

You want him to say to you ‘can I come and stay in the spare room and I won’t see OW anymore’ and he’s just not there yet. So keep your eyes off him.

Rose 🌹

Yes yes and more yes!
  • Logged
Me 49
H 47
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#22: June 27, 2019, 11:15:24 AM
Thanks Whyus - you flatterer, you  :D

Rose...thank you for understanding why I'd even want to try and for your "pondering". It doesn't feel much like he's moving forward or hating me less this week but thanks for laying it out like that. I hate all this MLC shizzle, I really do. 3+ years since BD and still learning and still getting it wrong, lol!

Thanks for stalking, Sam!

More yes from me too, KiT!!

So today, I bought a PINK dress [no hats available but mentally I'm wearing one, lol] and didn't "look" at H...looked at the fluffy clouds in the lovely blue sky here today and saw  a cat on it's back and a dinosaur with a tennis ball!!! I'll take that!

Tomorrow I'm going to see Toy Story 4 with D and SiL.

Thank you again x
  • Logged
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#23: July 04, 2019, 10:02:01 AM
Just journaling.
Nearly 2 weeks since H's latest announcement and I've barely heard from him. Couple of emails relating to work and something he ordered for the house before. He's seen S for dinner and took D out for breakfast this week. Why he cant see them both at the same time is a mystery but at least he's seen them both. He calls them at least once a day and messages them.
Is it odd to be a bit jealous? I feel mean even writing it. I'd never utter a word to them of course but it stings a bit. D particularly talks about her Dad as if all is normal most of the time. Here's me trying to show her how to be a strong woman and not a doormat, how to have values and self respect and treat others as you'd wish to be treated. Here's her agreeing with everything, getting animated about male friends "stringing her along" yet all the while, talking about her (and I mean the following as literal truths) lying, cheating, disrespectful Dad as if he has done no wrong.
Ok, so there's more to it than that but it doesn't help. Maybe just feeling sorry for myself as H seemed to be calming down a bit and seemed a little less MLC crazy. Shows what I know.
Yes of course I hoped he'd contact me. Yes of course I know that's ridiculous. Yes I know this is a long game and, to have any hope I have to play by the rules. Just cant get the same message to brain and heart at the same time.
I suppose I'm also worried that I've played this wrong. Made my "cant be friends if you xxx" move at the wrong time somehow. I had to have a boundary and I had to enforce it but it stinks.
  • Logged
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1200
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#24: July 04, 2019, 04:50:40 PM
Oh lovely Music.

I hear ya. I also understand about being jealous and also feel like that. I remember BBHelp saying something similar I am sure and I for sure remember Acorn saying around beginning of 2018 ‘H what about me’ when I think he planned a family day out and not just for the 2 of them. It’s like they act almost normal around the kids and we are left having gone through all of it and still we’re not wanted. But then that’s what those that have gone before say happens and it kind of makes sense for us to be left until last.

You were perfect with your boundary, you didn’t play it wrong you played it right. It does stink though. So has he not messaged you like he was at night? Or did you ignore it so he stopped? Or has he now turned it to the children and using them for contact when he needs it?

Hopefully he’s taking a step back to take two steps forward. You’re probably not ready for him now anyway, as you say he’s lying, cheating and disrespectful so if he wanted back tomorrow maybe you’d actually want more time. It would be nice to think he was turning that way though I know, it would make things so much more palatable.

Is there anything you like about him being gone? Tidier house? Choosing your TV channels? Singing loudly but terribly (maybe that’s just me ha ha!)?

I wish I could properly hug you, you are so strong it’s impressive as this is really really tough. We are all here for you and that’s you got through today.
Rose 🌹
  • Logged
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

E
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 297
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#25: July 04, 2019, 11:34:38 PM
Music I feel exactly the same about my Ds (18 and 20) relationship with their dad. I'm very happy he's trying to keep up his relationship with them and that they still love their dad. But I also feel jealous of the (almost) 'normal' relationship they have with him. Same with his family (that I am very close to). It's all so bizarre that they're all having these kinda normal (if less frequent) interactions with him while he and I are in this bizarro world where I feel like someone he just used to kinda know. I feel like screaming 'Can't you see there is something wrong here??!! What is wrong with you people!!!'

And I HATE that my girls choose to spend time occasionally with H and OW. I KNOW it's only because they feel they won't see him otherwise and because they are also loyal to him and want him to be happy (and he says OW makes him happy). But it still stings. I feel horrible feeling all this. It's comforting to me that other people feel the same.
  • Logged
M: 50 (48 @ BD)
H: 53 (51 @ BD)
Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 21 (19 @ BD)
D: 19 (17 @ BD)
'Extra D': 19 (17 @ BD)
BD (that I didn't recognise as such) Easter 2018
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (45, now 47) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Lives with her. Is building a life with her. Jun 20: H plans to buy a block of land and build a house with her.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1200
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#26: July 05, 2019, 03:54:46 AM
I for sure remember Acorn saying (in her head)around beginning of 2018 ‘H what about me’ when I think he planned a family day out and not just for the 2 of them.

I wish I could properly hug you, you are so strong it’s impressive as this is really really tough. We are all here for you and that’s you got yourselfthrough today.
Rose 🌹

Just re-read this and wanted to add in the bold words to make it make more sense!
  • Logged
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

W
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3568
  • Gender: Male
Re: Get Through Today
#27: July 05, 2019, 04:07:19 AM
And I HATE that my girls choose to spend time occasionally with H and OW. I KNOW it's only because they feel they won't see him otherwise and because they are also loyal to him and want him to be happy (and he says OW makes him happy). But it still stings. I feel horrible feeling all this. It's comforting to me that other people feel the same.

I feel the same and it sucks. 2 weeks ago my nephew (SILs son) invited me to his birthday but I couldnt go. S19 said that XW was going to pick him up on the way, fine. I went upstairs onto the balcony and OM drives up (with XW riding shotgun), opens the car door and S19 gets in. It stung like a motherfiretrucker, this is the guy who was havng a PA with his mam for 6 months whilst None of us knew and they can still spend time with him.
Im sorry but I couldnt have done that, I wish that my Boys had more "balls" sometimes.
  • Logged
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#28: July 05, 2019, 09:11:53 AM
Hi everyone, thanks as always for your support.

Rose, no, the goodnight messages and all stopped the day he dropped his latest nonsense and I said I couldn't be his friend. I've stuck to my side of the boundary and he to his. I've got used to him not living here (been a year now) but finding this no contact harder than I thought. I see the sense of it. I even think I should have done it sooner (ther have been periods of less contact instigated by me because of his MLCish shenanigans) but this last couple of weeks have hit me harder. Not sure why. Maybe because those pesky expectations had crept into my head based on his coming round and having a few meals here again (after not doing that for a year). He doesn't send messages through them. My clinger has become a vanisher for now.
Thanks as always for your support, Rose. I hope your H is passed hurting you anymore than he has already. He sounds like he's doing...ok. So hope it continues.

Evermore, I'm glad sharing my feelings helped you a bit. Its helped me knowing I'm not going mad and that you feel the same. I'm close to H's family too and most don't know anything about all this so when we get together , as we did on Father's Day, you'd think there was nothing wrong.

Whyus, that's tough. Given the distances involved with where OW lives, I'm hoping I never have to go through that. Even H wont be living near her by the sounds of what he said. All mad, isn't it?

Thanks my LBS friends. Don't know what I'd do without you, I really don't.
  • Logged
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1676
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Get Through Today
#29: July 10, 2019, 10:39:02 AM
Music - Despite the shock of the move, I am so impressed with your bouncing back.  This "leaves" are not easy.  Opens up old wounds all over again.  Think of this as time for you to heal and take care of you.  Enjoy your freedom a bit while giving him the thing he claims he needs.  Space and time.  I realized that is the only thing I could do for H.  I loved him enough to give him space and time.

Remember....if you love someone...set them free............now wait for the rest to be filled in at a date TBD!

As for the time with the kids....my H will do the same thing....make time with them as a family and totally exclude me...yet when I am having something at the house and he gets word of it....he "drops" in.  It stinks.

As for H...financial issues....great...hope there are some more.  Welcome to the real world.

Living with OW - Awesome....now he is gonna face reality!  Can't run from her "bad" points anymore!

Is OW getting desperate and pulling out all the cards...could be.  Let her pressure him.  Just sit back and be there to support him when he falls flat on his face.  (don't mean to be mean....I believe they need to fail in some to see the error in their ways)

Keep taking care of you Music!  Love of support here!





  • Logged
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#30: July 10, 2019, 10:55:41 PM
Hi Music

I know that during my fantasy life of jetting off to see om there were things I noticed about him that I didn’t like but the lying fog would gloss over them. However, I think with hindsight, my brain was attempting to bring me back to reality by showing me these things and though the addiction to escape reality and jet off to om was thrilling in the end I think I would have had my awakening even if he hadn’t come to live with me.
It still took a long time but I guess it would be longer if the fantasy was not interrupted by reality if you get what I mean.
The thing to understand as I see it now is it’s very much an addiction and it made me feel something which was better than feeling nothing.

Shocks sis


Just posting Shock's Sit reply to my question here so I can read it again when I need to - found it soooo helpful. What an amazing thing Shock's Sis is doing to answer all our questions.

Thanks Sam - you are so wise. Please can you follow me round all day and whisper useful things when I need them most? Lol. I can't quite bring myself to think of this latest plot twist as awesome but I know what you mean about reality kicking in. Clearly SSis needed a bit of that in her battle so we'll see. He's not actually going to be living with OW - just in her financial pocket so to speak [renting from her]. He's made his bed...

So, not much to report...H has gone v quiet with me...not even heard from him much about work stuff [we still work together albeit one day a week now and he seems to be ducking that somehow]. He seems to be in a different phase of some kind but not my circus, not my monkeys. He's still seeing S&D so I'm glad for them.
I'm just going about my life - working etc. I'm pretty good at the fake it till you make it thing and I find the more I fake it, the easier it is to make it. I'm ok. I've been really busy this week [doing two jobs] so that has helped.

On we go, hey.

  • Logged
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1676
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Get Through Today
#31: July 11, 2019, 08:32:15 AM
Music...so just renting from her for cheap living....even a bigger awesome because he is just using her to get something he needs. 

You don't need anyone to follow you around.  To me it was just changing my thinking a little at a time.   You can do the same.  We all have so much power through positivity...the challenge is to harness it. 

Look for little things....small positives add up.  Look for blessing.  #1....you are not in MLC.   #2  Your MLC H is off irritating and using someone else now instead of you.   

It hurts to be alone...however, that is also where we get our strength if we work at it.  Not easy but doable.

You got this Music!  Know it and own it!
  • Logged
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#32: July 11, 2019, 09:35:55 AM
You're right Sam. Everything you've said is so right and yes, I'm ok. I've just got that feeling at the moment like when you step into a rowing boat on the park lake...everything's a bit rocky while you adjust then you sit down and get paddling. I'm just adjusting to this new phase. I saw H today...at work...he came and chatted like before...like nothing is different or wrong. I was bright and breezy and chatted as I would to any colleague.

Something is different...cant easily explain it...maybe he's also adjusting to getting in his new boat...though his has a leak.....hee hee hee hee  8) ;D
  • Logged
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10516
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Re: Get Through Today
#33: July 23, 2019, 04:51:12 AM
Quote from: Music45
I even think I should have done it sooner (there have been periods of less contact instigated by me because of his MLCish shenanigans) but this last couple of weeks have hit me harder. Not sure why. Maybe because those pesky expectations had crept into my head based on his coming round and having a few meals here again (after not doing that for a year).

Yep... and because you shut down the cake-eating (as it was) he's off pouting and giving you the silent treatment....

Don't you love the temper tantrums?

At least he's ivil at work.

No, you put the boundary in place when you needed to so there is no right or wrong time.... MLC'ers have to have boundaries given to them because otherwise they will take whatever they can....

  • Logged
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#34: July 23, 2019, 08:53:34 AM
Thanks Ursa. Hadnt thought of it like that. H was  never a sulker, he was always a letssortthisoutanddiscussitnow-er so I hadnt thought of it like that. Then again, this is him in MLC and he probably thinks unicycling while juggling bananas is a great idea right now.
Thanks.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 23, 2019, 10:26:37 AM by Music45 »
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#35: July 23, 2019, 12:57:12 PM
Weirdness continues...

Tonight H came over to take D out for dinner. I've been dreading this a bit because he'd messaged me to say he'd look at a household glitch we have. Last time he came over he announced his move to the OW funded place, so I was apprehensive he was going to leave me with some other MLC nugget. Anyway...he didn't. He called for her and was here 90 seconds tops then fixed the glitch when he dropped her back.
He's now gone off with S for a drink. S having had dinner at home with me. Why H couldn't take them both out is a mystery. S was due back 20 mins after H picked up D. He does this. Takes them out or does things with them separately. Weird. Any idea what that's about?

Anyway..no new MLC nugget drop today. I did my best LBS when he was here (all of 10 mins tops in total). Light, bright, smiley. Even teased him a bit and joked about his household repair. Teased him in front of the kids. He smiled and relaxed a bit. Took the jokes in good humour. Our relationship was based very much on a shared sense of humour so I figure it's no bad thing to remind him of that. I also hope it shows I'm not moping about or grumpy with him re OW.

It's still hard when he leaves. Breath takingly difficult. It feels like we've gone right back again to when he could barely be in the house, barely stand still. He looked unsure about what reception he would receive. Uncomfortable to be here a little bit. I find this v sad. Maybe just a big cycle away for now.

Anyway,  on we go. I'm ok. Just miss him. A. Lot.
  • Logged
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

K
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 5547
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#36: July 23, 2019, 03:52:22 PM
Music--my BD was May 2016. My H has seemed to have gone back to how he was back in the early days too. There was a period of time where he was at the house more regularly and would chat with me and even hug. But now, I must have the cooties again. LOL. I think they go into a phase of re-committing themselves to their choices (full tunnel mode) which cause them to feel extra guilty when around us.

No idea why your H hangs with the children separately.......other than MLC crazy.

Sorry it is hard when he leaves. It is like they leave all over again when we have a somewhat "normal" interaction. I've started just looking at my H as a science experiment now (Milly's idea) and it seems to have helped with that detachment.
  • Logged
Me 49
H 47
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#37: July 23, 2019, 11:17:31 PM
Thanks KiT - Milly's is a great way to think of it...as a science experiment! Thanks for that. I'll picture H in a petri dish from now on! Lol.

Typical isn't it - no actual nonsense from H last night on his visit so my brain made up for it and I dreamt all sorts of madness from him. Woke up this morning having to straighten out my thoughts between what's real and what isn't - you know when you have those dreams and they feel real so you have to be sure you've got it right?
Thanks a lot brain. As if it isn't mad enough in real life without you kicking in!
  • Logged
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10516
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Re: Get Through Today
#38: July 24, 2019, 03:05:08 AM
My 2 Europennies on why he won't go with S & D at the same time?  Too much guilt in the feelz...

See, that is what his happy family USED to look like before he went off and got all stupid and picked up an Affair Down partner... Mom, Dad, 2 kids, little house with the picket fence and a dog... You know the drill..... he tries to avoid those feelings by only going out with one kid at a time, even sequentially... although that makes absolutely ZERO sense...

Actually, H is NOT the Perti Dish.. he is what is IN the Petri dish... <snort>

He is probably relieved that you were joking with him etc, despite OW because that means (for him) that maybe he isn't such a bad guy after all and you are more or less OK with his shenanigans (keep in mind this is the MLC Brain in action)... I mean, the last time he announced anything about OW, he got hammered with a boundary.... Mid-Lifers do NOT like to have boundaries applied to them.... After all, they are supposed to be able to do ANYTHING they want if it makes them happy....  ::)
  • Logged
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#39: July 24, 2019, 03:17:40 AM
Think you're right Ursa. Too much guilt. Also add in a bit of fogged brain not thinking straight etc.

As for boundaries, receiving you loud and clear, Houston. I'll keep that in mind though I'm unlikely to see him for a while now.

I'll let him grow in his petri dish while me and my white coat and microscope do something else more useful.
  • Logged
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1200
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#40: July 25, 2019, 09:26:24 AM
Hey Music

I love the thought of your H in a petri dish! It would be interesting to watch if it wasnt so devastating to live through.  And those that arent living through it cant see it!  Agh!

H is maybe taking the children separately as he is 'single' and taking them both is a bit too 'family' like. As you say who knows but good on you for going with the flow.   

ShocksSis is quite big on the MLCer seeing strength as an attraction in the LBSer so you showing him you aren't bitter being light bright and smiley is as much as you can do so well done.  I know how difficult it is when they leave again especially when not hung around too long, I mean what are these 'better things to do' that they have going on anyway.   

I'm ok. Just miss him. A. Lot.

I hear ya,
Rose
  • Logged
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#41: July 26, 2019, 01:36:49 AM
Thanks Rose...thank goodness for people who get it and understand.

Had a few message exchanges with H yesterday. Mostly work related. Tipped into a couple of comments about the extraordinarily hot weather we had in the UK yesterday but nothing more than a friendly exchange.
Last night he emailed. He knows a couple who he met through a work project taken on since BD [so people I don't know but he's talked about] and he's got quite friendly with them. Tragically, they lost their 18 year old son in an accident this week. Horrifying. Clearly, from H's email which he sent to tell me about this, H is very sad and upset about it. He'd met their son a couple of times . Just awful. I'm only mentioning it because H has not showed much compassion since BD - in fact there have been a couple of occasions when his comments about some things have been insensitive to say the least - at least in this email he showed some real emotion at this awful news.
Things like this make you hug your family and count your blessings so I will be doing that. As for MLC H? Who knows.
  • Logged
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10708
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#42: July 26, 2019, 02:39:47 AM
Yes, it is one of those puzzling things isn't it? Particularly if your spouse was given to empathy or compassion before. Maybe they need to 'relearn' it at one step removed from their own life. Idk.

I know my skin is thinner than it used to be for any kind of suffering or loss. As you say, a normal healthy person sees it as a reminder to hold their loved ones closer and feel grateful for what they have. Funnily enough you have just reminded me of a thing that always puzzled me in my xh's FOO. He survived a fire at 15 which killed an uncle and 17 year old cousin. I could never understand how, as a parent, that would not make you feel so grateful for your child's survival that you would let go of old expectations and behaviours...but that absolutely was not how his parents behaved. His mother blamed every 'failure' to be the son she wanted on the fire...to the point where she tole him that she wished he had died too bc then she would have the memory of her 'perfect' son. His father seemed to feel as if my xh had more of a responsibility to be who/what he wanted him to be, almost like making xh's survival justified in some way. And the wider family simply never discussed it. Awful. Never made sense to me.
  • Logged
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1200
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#43: August 19, 2019, 04:04:38 PM
Music

How are things going with you?

Miss you
Rose 🌹
  • Logged
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#44: August 20, 2019, 12:09:51 AM
Hello everyone

Hello Rose. Just posted on your thread too. Weirdly I feel like you too. I've kept reading posts on the forum but haven't felt able to update my own thread. I'm not sure why. I know people here who are great at laying out their feelings and interactions with their MLCers but I've just not had the will to update my own. I can see how journaling can help too so I'm not sure what I'm avoiding [if anything]. Maybe laying out the truth of things as they stand - which aren't great. Maybe that's it.

Thanks too Treasur for your post, which I've only just seen for some reason. Your exH and that situation. No words. How horrible. Horrible.

So in my world, I have barely seen H. Or heard from him. Or had any messages. Fair enough, after he confirmed at the end of June that he was moving to an OW funded place [not with her - she's 200 miles away] and effectively confirmed they were still on, I told him I couldn't be friends. Now, in the 3+ years of his MLC, there have been pockets of time where we have interacted less but we always ended up sharing messages etc until something else happened. Also he'd pop in at home and had even had a few meals with us. This all ended at the end of June. He's still seeing S & D regularly [well once a week] and talks to them regularly usually [twice a day] but he has kept well away from me and home.
Examples - last week, he came out of his way to drop D home but didn't even get out of the car, he was with S at a hobby club within walking distance of the house last night and didn't pop round to see D. We still kind of work together but he doesn't update me on work stuff like he used to or mention anything about S&D like he did.

I know they cycle and I'd got used to that - so was prepared to not hear from him after seeing him but since end of June - quite a big change. I'm not really sure what to make of this. Any guidance welcome. I'm not stage watching - I'm genuinely too busy - working two jobs at the moment so apart from anything I don't have time to sit and wallow in this and I'm very grateful. He'll do what he'll do but I find this change significant and I don't know why. He clearly is happy with his choices at the moment. Can't spend time bothering with me.
Funnily enough he's here, as I write doing some work [we wont be working for the same company come Oct 1st] and I've seen him and talked to him a couple of times - he seems ok. "normal", pleasant, calm. No shark eyes. I've got to work hard to interact with him with a smile and an air of "look at me, I'm fine" cos it hurts when I see him now. I do better when he's not around I think as I can get on with life and live like he's not coming back - when I see him it's just a reminder of the H i lost. All that love. All those cuddles. All that support. All gone. All gone now. I know Shock's Sis says they can't hold back that dam forever. I've hung on to that but I think he's clearly doing ok at the moment.

See just now I had to go ask him a work related question. He was in a room on his own on the phone. So now I'm triggered thinking it was probably OW. No reason to think that. Could be anyone

Ok, now I know why I haven't updated for a while. It brings it all home. How much I've lost and how much I still love him. Grrrrrrrrrrr. Will stop cos I'm rambling.

It's coming up to 3 and a half years since BD and he seems further in it than even when I regularly saw the shark eyes and all the other scripted MLC stuff.
I think I could use something, some sign that standing is going to work out in the long term. Something, anything to keep me going. Probably unreasonable but sometimes in life, you just need a little sign, don't you?

 :(
  • Logged
« Last Edit: August 20, 2019, 12:50:02 AM by Music45 »
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1200
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#45: August 20, 2019, 12:58:18 AM
Oh no Music, I hope you don’t feel worse after posting.

It’s probably easier for him not being involved with you. Less guilt etc. He’s doing the easy thing. I’m like you and find it easier when not seeing H and maybe they feel the same. Can pretend easier that they are in their own fantasy film and seeing us reminds them they are not.

It’s hard not having anything from them, no visits texts etc but maybe that propels them along a bit. They need thinking time and get more of it when we are not around so maybe it’s a ‘good’ thing.

If he’s at work I am sure he could be on the phone to OW but more than likely it would be work related to someone else? The more he has to do with her the more chance he has to get annoyed with her I guess.

Its good he is seeing his children and twice a day is quite a lot, he’ll be getting what he got from you, from them. Meanwhile you get nothing. Unfair as BBHelp says.

I’m off to read your note on my thread now, thanks in advance!

Rose 🌹
  • Logged
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#46: August 20, 2019, 12:27:12 PM
Thanks Rose...as always. I'm sure you're right about the guilt. I dont talk to D & S much about their Dad - I havent anything to say. S though does think his Dad is feeling guilty and therefore keeps away. It's such a change in H though - so if it is guilt, does that mean he wasnt feeling guilt all the time from when MLC started until June? 3 + years when he's been a clinging boomerang with daily contact. If it is guilt now is that significant?
Idk the answers to any of these of course. Just wondering, you know how you do? I've got used to the not hearing from him now. What a sad thing to have to write about your husband, hey?

  • Logged
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10516
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Re: Get Through Today
#47: August 20, 2019, 11:58:07 PM
In my opinion, the guilt can be significant IF it motivates them to actually DO something but many times, they just seem to either want to run away again from it or wallow in it in a massive pity party and have a pajama decade..... It really is dependant if they DO something about the things that cause the guilt in the first place, aka remorse...
  • Logged
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

K
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 5547
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#48: August 22, 2019, 02:01:30 PM
Music--my BD was May 2016. My H was a stage 5 clinger for a LONG time. Until he wasn't. I believe they are straddling the fence so to speak for a long time. Then, at around the 3 year mark, they (well most) fully commit to their new lives. So, while it does seem they are pulling away from us, and in fact they are, I also believe they are moving forward in their journey. It is movement. Yes, it's painful b/c it is as if we are losing them all over again. But it is their journey after all.

Hugs friend. You are healing. Slowly. But  this takes much time for us too.
  • Logged
Me 49
H 47
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#49: August 22, 2019, 10:54:21 PM
Thanks Ursa. I don't know a lot about guilt of that degree [I'm pleased to say] but thanks for giving me food for thought.

KiT, thank you. I've read posts where you mentioned the change in your H but didn't think to compare so thanks - I didn't think of it as "movement" either so again, food for thought.

Little update
H was in another city for work yesterday. I knew this from the kids. He called me late on [v v v unusual] while he was driving back. Turned out he wanted advice about someone at work. I was so surprised I offered my insight. Only after the call did I think "hang on. Go talk to OW with your work probs" etc. etc. etc!!!! I'll likely not hear from him again now but if this becomes a habit again, I won't engage with it.
H, it ain't OW for fun and Wife for the tough stuff. No thank you. If you're anchor checking, H, you're gonna need a bigger boat.

 8)


  • Logged
« Last Edit: August 22, 2019, 10:56:47 PM by Music45 »
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1676
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Get Through Today
#50: August 23, 2019, 09:13:31 AM
Music....there could be so much going on with H right now.  It could be guilt.  It could also be OW pulling the strings and he is the puppet.  She is providing him a home...don't you think she will use that to control him.  Look what I am doing...you wifey just tossed you aside.  Blah Blah Blah.

Sadly the MLCers seem to let the puppet masters have control for awhile until they are strong enough to stand on their own.

I also agree with Rose that "thinky" time is good.   They can't think with us around.  So let him go off on his own and see his fantasy blow up.

I know it is so hard to have contact and then loose it...just keep doing what is best for you!  You got this!
  • Logged
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10516
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Re: Get Through Today
#51: August 27, 2019, 07:42:51 AM
Quote from: Music45
If you're anchor checking, H, you're gonna need a bigger boat.

And, for this, you get the "LBS Saying of the Week" Award!

  • Logged
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#52: August 28, 2019, 12:17:06 AM
Ha!! Thanks Ursa!! I'd like to dedicate my award to all us LBS who still maintain a sense of humour against all odds! Lol

Thanks Sam. Good thoughts, yes. Something has changed for certain so you may be right. When he was at home still,ages ago. Can't remember exactly but it was one of his more lucid moments when he mentioned the pressure he got from OW re spending Christmas with her. It was when he was wanting back in [on what I now know was one of his false returns]. I remember thinking then that it was a little insight but it got lost when he went off again. So you're probably right. I'm keeping well out of it.

Thanks guys.
  • Logged
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#53: August 29, 2019, 11:26:36 PM
Saw H yesterday. Long story short: H has been tasked with clearing a number of rooms of company stuff that's no longer needed as the company has been taken over and things are changing. We've worked here together more or less 6 years and for a long time H was the boss. We put a lot into it. Saved a lot of money for the owners by doing stuff ourselves etc etc. It's been a drawn out process.
Yesterday, H was here while I was, clearing stuff out. He was doing his arrogant MLCer thing [except I know him well enough to see that sometimes this is a lot of bluff to hide how he feels]. Got to the end of it and he has to go off to his other job. He comes to say goodbye and he says how sad this process has made him feel. He mentioned all the effort we'd put in to making it work etc. I could tell he was upset. There were other people around and without really thinking about it, I went to give him a friendly "it'll-be-ok" hug [I'm a hugger. I hug my hairdresser so I was not doing anything special for him] - I was going for the sort of thing people do now - a hug rather than a handshake. Except he properly put both arms around me and hugged me hard and for way longer than the normal "hugs friend, see you later" thing. Proper hugged me close.
He even rested his head on mine and then, kissed my hair. He sent me a message later thanking me for "earlier" and apologising for being sentimental.

Now I've been in this game too long to give it any importance [unfortunately]. It did surprise me. I guess I caught him just as a bit of fog lifted? For a nanosecond! It has served a purpose though. It's reminded me why I'm standing.I think I needed that because I have been wondering how much longer I can do this [coming up on 3.5 years now]. It's reminded me that my H is in there, somewhere I guess. It's also good to see that he FEELS something about all this work change. About a year ago or so, he was very disinterested and just hated it all - it was all just about him.

As KiT said...shows some tiny movement in him. Nothing to get excited about but movement all the same. I'll take that.

Back to it getting on without him.

((((HUGS)))) all!!!
  • Logged
« Last Edit: August 29, 2019, 11:28:43 PM by Music45 »
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1200
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#54: August 30, 2019, 04:16:15 PM
Woo hoo didn’t you do well Music!

Such a shame things are changing work wise but I know what you mean about not thinking about the hug. Last night my H was here and I asked him if he wanted a coffee as I was passing something to S meaning I was right next to H so almost touched him gently as i asked. I caught myself and didn’t but it was instinct. Who knew that was still there, sounds a bit like you - in the hug before you realised you were doing it. Glad it was decent and that H texted afterwards.

That’s both you and Sam have had recent hugs! Wonder who’ll be next!

Glad it’s given you a boost, but a realistic one
Rose 🌹
  • Logged
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#55: August 31, 2019, 12:41:56 PM
Thanks Rose. So odd isn't? Journaling about a hug from H. Something that should be so normal but isn't in our world.

Busy_Bee posted this on Shocks Sis thread. I didnt want to hijack that thread but wondered if anyone knew anymore about this? Think I read it somewhere (main site articles??)  but cant recall.  Fits with what I'm seeing with my MLCer so am interested.

There will be time when MLCer will disconnect/ drop off from their previous life completely. 
Normally it would happen after 4 y. mark. Even if he was a clinger he will became almost vanisher..
It has to do something with them being in the darkest place.
  • Logged
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#56: September 16, 2019, 10:47:04 AM
Hi everyone,
Not had much to say about my MLCer recently. He's continued to push away and I havent seen him very much in the last few weeks (once I think). I've had a few emails but work related ones. He's still seeing the kids once a week and talks to them daily.
Today I found out (when I had to call him with a work issue and got the foreign ring tone) that he's gone abroad again. He's done this before but always told  me. This time: nothing. Only told the kids the day before.
He's made no offer to take D away during her Uni break and I've been working two jobs ahead of redundancy but he's b*%%$*d off.
Had a tough day at work and this just really got to me today.
If this is "clinging boomerang" still, it's not the same as the clinging boomeranging behaviour of the last 3.5 years.
Really down today. I know there are LBS with far worse to deal with but this is just hard.

Not much support for my stand in real life.
Any insight or wise words would really help.This is the only place where I know people understand.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: September 16, 2019, 10:56:28 AM by Music45 »
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1676
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Get Through Today
#57: September 16, 2019, 11:22:25 AM
Sorry to hear Music.  So tough when they come and go.  I so understand what you are going through.  The hiding of info...why?  They just get so weird.

You can get through this.  You are a very strong woman and tomorrow is a new day! 
  • Logged
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1200
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#58: September 16, 2019, 12:57:12 PM
Hey Music lovely lady.

Lovely to hear from you but also not. We get you, we hear you, we understand you and we stand shoulder to shoulder with you.

That’s so bad about him going overseas. My H went away for a few days, he did tell us but it’s hard knowing he has this ‘other life’ that seems to be all fun and not needing or missing us. Also who is he with.

All we can do is take our eyes off them and look at ourselves. It’ll have been too difficult to tell you he was going away so he didn’t. Took the easy route, as they do.

Look at the good things, him being in touch with the kids is good. And daily is good. He knows this is unfair on you so isnt in touch so as to not feel the guilt but that only works for a while. It’s a cycle and the longer he’s not in touch the more thinking time he has.

I feel better knowing nothing and then when I hear what he’s up to I start thinking about it all. If you hadn’t had to call him you would feel better today wouldn’t you?!

Please PM me if you need to, you are doing so good.
Rose 🌹
  • Logged
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1200
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#59: September 17, 2019, 01:51:26 PM
Music

How is today going? Hope you are getting through ok.

Thinking of you
Rose 🌹
  • Logged
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#60: September 17, 2019, 11:43:11 PM
Hi Rose, bless you I'm ok. Thanks Sam too.
I picked myself up and me and S & D went out playing mini golf yesterday and had fun. Today we're out for the day too...making the most of Ds last week before going back to Uni and S having a week off.
Monday was tough at work so that didnt help...as you rightly said Rose, without that, I might not have known where H was and not be bothered by it all. I've worked out that I still have those darned expectations re H...try as I might, they just keep coming back. The only thing I'd say is that I'm not sitting about, I'm doing stuff and having fun with S&D etc.
Not got time to post much right now but I'm ok.
Thank you...as ALWAYS for your support.
  • Logged
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10708
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#61: September 18, 2019, 12:47:24 AM
We do get it...and yes, as you know, it is about those pesky expectations. Which of course are quite reasonable expectations to have in normal circumstances with a healthy adult human.
Nothing wrong with your expectations, just with who you are expecting them from.

It takes a while for that reality to sink in doesn't it? I honestly found what helped most was to have little short reminder mantras in my head that would always deflate my expectation of 'normal'...like 'h is bonkers' or 'h is not the same person' or even 'h is dead' lol. I think I even gave the MLC version a different name for a while to try to train my brain to stop expecting him to behave like the person I used to know  ;)....and I stopped looking at what the MLC version was doing which also helped.

Well done you for getting back up though and making some fun with your family. You are doing more than ok  :)
  • Logged
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

K
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 5547
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#62: September 25, 2019, 12:49:02 PM
My H went from Stage 5 Clinger to almost Vanisher overnight. It was a little over the 3 year mark. I think, like Busy Bee said, they get to a point where they "commit" to their new lives at some point. It is rarely a permanent thing, but is yet another, now desperate attempt, to fill that gaping hole and fix themselves. They have to go through this part unfortunately. It hurts and makes us feel even more left behind when they are off in LaLaLand. But, I don't think it is all fun times wherever they go. And if it is, it is likely drug or alcohol induced. Yes, it is forward movement, but like you, I've found this part extremely painful, especially from a former clinger.
  • Logged
Me 49
H 47
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1200
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#63: September 25, 2019, 02:37:33 PM
My H went from Stage 5 Clinger to almost Vanisher overnight. It was a little over the 3 year mark. I think, like Busy Bee said, they get to a point where they "commit" to their new lives at some point. It is rarely a permanent thing, but is yet another, now desperate attempt, to fill that gaping hole and fix themselves. They have to go through this part unfortunately. It hurts and makes us feel even more left behind when they are off in LaLaLand. But, I don't think it is all fun times wherever they go. And if it is, it is likely drug or alcohol induced. Yes, it is forward movement, but like you, I've found this part extremely painful, especially from a former clinger.

KIT I also find myself in a similar position to this so thanks for that.

Hope you are good Music
Rose 🌹
  • Logged
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1584
  • Gender: Female
  • Mlc- Cake eater for 3 yr now vanisher
Re: Get Through Today
#64: September 25, 2019, 03:18:04 PM
It must be script, I had a boomerang for just over 3 yrs to Vanisher. Committed at that time to other life with ow. Vanished from kids as well. Xx
  • Logged
Me 52
H53
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#65: September 25, 2019, 11:02:51 PM
Thanks so much Treasur, KiT, Rose and Phoenix...

Gosh, yes, certainly seems a familiar pattern then...all at around the 3 - 3.5 year mark our MLCers have taken a turn away...and yes, KiT, it's hard. Really really hard, isn't it? I would never want to compare any type of MLC with another but this is one element of a "clinger" that's particularly hard. They make you think they might come through it sooner maybe, because they haven't gone off in a puff of smoke from the get go.

Urgh! Thanks for reminding me that it is movement, KiT.

Urgh. Again!!
  • Logged
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1200
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#66: December 23, 2019, 11:58:52 PM
Music

Has it really been September since your last post here?

How have things been? How are you? Hoping you have an ok Christmas planned ahead.

Sending you love
Rose 🌹
  • Logged
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10516
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Re: Get Through Today
#67: December 24, 2019, 12:10:22 AM
Music

Has it really been September since your last post here?

How have things been? How are you? Hoping you have an ok Christmas planned ahead.

Sending you love
Rose 🌹

Yes, it really was September....

What is playing in your life, Music? (Pun intended)  ;)
  • Logged
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

C
  • *
  • Newbie
  • Posts: 16
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#68: December 25, 2019, 05:51:16 AM
Sorry I am not music, but our stories are very similar.  Several people have mentioned the three year mark and my story is very similar.  He appears to be moving out of state with OW and her kids, leaving his older kids and grandchild behind.  Is there a tie between boundaries and the three year mark, ie going further away?.  Where can I read more about three year mark as this seems like a different timeline than the usual one, re hearts blessing.  Thanks!
  • Logged

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1909
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#69: December 25, 2019, 06:52:39 AM
Counting - I would like that a well.  Coming up on 3 years in a few months, and further apart than ever.  Seems to be a significant time (3 years).  IDK where to find that info, but I'll post if I do find it.

In the meantime - Music - let us know how you are doing.

Sea
  • Logged
Seahorses have one mate for life...

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1584
  • Gender: Female
  • Mlc- Cake eater for 3 yr now vanisher
Re: Get Through Today
#70: December 25, 2019, 06:57:22 AM
My h cake ate for 3 yrs then stopped speaking or seeing me. Just gone in to the start of 6th yr xx
  • Logged
Me 52
H53
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1584
  • Gender: Female
  • Mlc- Cake eater for 3 yr now vanisher
Re: Get Through Today
#71: January 07, 2020, 11:49:13 AM
Hi music, how are you? Xx
  • Logged
Me 52
H53
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#72: January 21, 2020, 10:23:32 AM
Hello everyone, thank you for your enquiries. I think I'm not getting notifications so must look at that.

I can't believe it was September when I last posted either...but I've been around, reading posts and keeping up to date. Why have I not posted? Well there's not been much to say. MLCer has just continued to do his thing and I mine. There has really not been any change in him that I can see until just recently but I'll come on to that in a second. We have had occasional contact, usually to do with the kids or something work related [we're in the same field though not at the same company]. He has definitely been cycling I think. I'm just getting on with stuff. Unlike last Christmas, I didn't stress it and accepted an invitation to H's brothers as the kids wanted to go. All his side of the family were there...except H. Odd. They all seem to know now that he's not living at home with us but they're lovely to me and include me in everything so...it's all MLC bonkers but it's ok.

On to more recent events. H's father, who was diagnosed with dementia just over a year ago had two spells in hospital. The first [unrelated to his dementia] really triggered a decline in his mental health [which is not uncommon apparently]. After his discharge, he never really slept properly again - waking up at 1, 2, 3 in the morning asking my MiL to do typing or other stuff! Fast forward to two weeks ago and he was hospitalised again with concerns about his heart. Unfortunately, this took a sudden turn and he passed away. We were all a bit taken a back I think, as we'd been so focussed on his ongoing care, as living at home was becoming more difficult, that we didn't really see any physical health problems approaching. Maybe the dementia masked them a bit. I'm not sure. Anyway, while we are mourning his passing, we're grateful that his dementia hadn't progressed to a point where he didn't recognise any of us and his passing was actually very peaceful.

The reason for mentioning any of this about my FiL is the effect it's had on my H. H had stopped visiting his parents pretty much when his MLC kicked in properly. He didn't really speak to them or visit for months and months [maybe longer]. Given the root of his MLC being with his M, I guess that's usual? When his F went into hospital, he stepped up...started calling his M more etc. Communicating more with me and asking me to go with him as he found seeing his Dad in hospital upsetting. I did go with him as I felt it was the compassionate thing to do and helped my MiL. I know there's the whole thing about not doing them any favours but it felt like the right thing to do for me and I can cope with it.
Once his D was back home, H certainly stepped up going to see his parents [often asking me to go too]. I can't say he was much changed toward me in any real way. Still inhabited by an alien.
The second hospital stay meant more visits. He asked me again to go with him and he's been much more communicative with his older sister and younger brother about co-ordinating visiting times and looking after M.
Since D died, it's been pretty much me and H organising things - his Mum has been unwell with a virus and, well, in shock a bit and a bit out of it. His sister is struggling. His brother is better but has two small children to look after too.
H has also really talked to his M. Something he says he's never been able to do before. Ever.

I have seen more of the man I married these last couple of months. There have been times when he has been less the shell-with-alien-occupant that he has been. He's recently asked me to let him know when I get home safe after visits to his M etc. Though I saw him yesterday to sort some funeral arrangements out and he was back to being the detached weirdo he's been for..well...a long time now. I've had genuine hugs from him - back to one armed bandit ones etc.

He mentioned yesterday that after the funeral, he'd like to "maybe go for a drink" with me and talk about his Dad and how he's processing it all [he's coping better than I thought he would]. There's part of me that wants to scream at him that I'm not just here for tough times but for all time...as in that's why we got married. There's part of me that thinks I should tell him he should go tell his problems to OW as he chose her not me...but he may forget this "invitation" anyway so I won't stress too much until/if it comes up again.

So....I'd really welcome your advice on this one. Anyone gone through the passing of an MLCer's parent like this? I'm sure there must be. I know a death can trigger an MLC but that's not the case here. His childhood issues stem from his Mother's "emotional unavailability" and he had a better, though not perfect, relationship with his Dad. Interestingly, while his M has been nothing but lovely always to me, I saw a glimpse of how she perhaps was [there are a number of stories that H and his S have told me]. SiL went to give her Mother a cuddle while I was there the other day. MiL barely put an arm around her and stared into the distance as my SiL got teary about her Dad. My MiL is 81, my SiL is 60. MiL emotionally shut down there and says she feels numb...couldn't even cuddle my SiL. Very sad to see and not something I've experienced ever before.

Anyway, sorry for rambling! Thank you for reading...
  • Logged
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10708
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#73: January 21, 2020, 11:46:54 AM
I don't know how it will impact your h, although I'm sure it will in some way.

Fwiw - as long as it won't damage you - if he follows through on the invitation to 'talk' (and I guess he really means for someone who he knows,somewhere in him, genuinely loves him to listen), I would. We may no longer be able to love them in the same way, but human to human, quiet love still matters.
  • Logged
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1200
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#74: January 21, 2020, 02:08:57 PM
Oh Music I’m sorry about your FIL.

If you can handle it and are happy to do so then having the talk if he remembers is no biggie.

I’m not much use otherwise but I will say that Shocksis said it was a big event that plunged her into MLC and a big event that started to wake her up. But I do think men are different. Who knows though.

So the funeral is still to come?

Rose 🌹

(I think there’s a thread called ‘when someone dies’ or similar)
  • Logged
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

S
  • **
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 73
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#75: January 21, 2020, 04:49:29 PM
Hi Music, my H’s mother died suddenly. He had been awakening and saying he’s coming home (this started with daughter’s graduation looming and he was overseas and became frantic about attending) and I think his mother’s passing made him realise this is real life, this is family, time is passing. Don’t feel bad about your natural compassion, IMO it’s authentic to you. It’s only been not quite a year and we are slowly reconnecting, he is home, OW long gone, but moving slowly. I wouldn’t be surprised if this awakens your H.
  • Logged

E
  • ***
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 166
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#76: January 22, 2020, 06:01:20 AM
Hi Music

I'm sorry to hear your FIL passed away.  MLC makes times like this doubly hard doesn't it.

My H left home in August 2016, he lost his mother in January 2018 and his father in March 2019.

I would say he hit a wall, mood wise, over the summer of 2019 (diagnosed with depression, off work, claiming he is constantly confused), and I think that OW has been out of the picture since this time. 

I got an apology in at the end of September 2019 and since then H seems to be putting more effort into reconnecting with our sons and to a certain extent with myself.  We have had quite a bit of contact since then and I just keep the door open and respond to any contact he makes as I would anyone else, in a calm and drama free way - I really don't like drama :-\

I am not sure if the death of his parents affected his progress through MLC – he hit the wall at the 4 years BD mark around the time that OW went out of the picture so who knows.

I would say that there are no rules when dealing with a MLCer – at least after the beginning.  I believe kindness goes a long way and I also believe that it is remembered (Acorn talked about this on her thread).  If the invite to go for a drink comes then if it’s what you want to do then go and enjoy the contact.  If you are not feeling up to it just say ‘Really sorry, I have something on then – could we catch up another time’. 

MLC is a long process – there are times that they seem to be working their way through it but also times that they seem to coast, as if they are catching their breath for the next onslaught on emotions they have to work through.   I think you just have keep on doing your thing for you, not put any pressure on him and not ask any questions – reading your thread you seem to do this.  This won’t bring them home - and lets face it if they eventually decide that they do want to come home you may have decided that its not what you want – but at least you will know that you acted out of love and compassion and behaved with dignity and grace – and I am convinced that this will be remembered.

Take care
Enyo X

  • Logged
Me 61
MLCer 59
M38 years, Together 40 years
S29 & S27
BD Aug/Sept 15
Moved Out Aug16

K
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 5547
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#77: January 22, 2020, 09:56:53 AM
but at least you will know that you acted out of love and compassion and behaved with dignity and grace – and I am convinced that this will be remembered.


I wholeheartedly agree. Love and kindness are never wasted. And truly, when one is a compassionate person, that does come back in one way or another. Who knows where H is in his journey. I like what Enyo said about taking a breath after doing some "emotional work" by the MLCer. I've noticed my H doing that same thing. After a "breakthrough" of sorts, he often retreats.  Really, the best thing here is to have no expectations, b/c they all travel this in their own time.

My MIL is also not emotionally available. And her love is extremely conditional. H hasn't really spoken with his parents for a very long time. I do wonder if they will eventually see that this is where their issues started. Who knows. I am hoping for the best for you and H as you navigate this difficult time.
  • Logged
Me 49
H 47
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#78: January 23, 2020, 04:25:28 AM
Hello everyone...I'm so grateful for your comments and support. Thank you for taking the time...

Treasur, yes "quiet love" is a great phrase and I think I've been doing that without naming it. Thank you. It's just difficult when something that was once shared and joyful and mutual is now so seemingly onesided - but love him I do...yes, quietly at the moment.

Rose, thank you as always. Yes, the funeral is yet to come [nobody is looking forward to it of course]. MiL still not really engaged in the organisation of it but getting better]. I looked at the thread you mentioned but it refers to the passing of forum members but thank you for the thought.

Sunandshade, thank you. Natural compassion is hard to show sometimes, to someone who's behaved so appallingly, isn't it? If the process is to be believed though, he's going through something far worse than me. I have to remind myself of this sometimes. Time will tell if this event impacts my H in the same way as yours - it's always good to read a reconnection story[however tentative]. Hugs to you on your journey.

Enyo, your experience just shows how long it all takes...even after big, difficult events like this. Your describing of them catching their breath is very powerful. If you think how the death of loved ones affects us non MLCers and how we have good days and bad days following [for some time], it makes sense to think of an emotionally turmoiled MLCer to take longer still. You're right, I don't question or bring up any "r" talks or anything - I just take him as he comes, in whatever form that is. I find I can do that quite easily now without it being too stressful. I do monkey brain sometimes [I'm human!] but I get over it quicker. He remains the scared cat up the tree. I know he won't come down if I stand at the bottom and bark at him.

KiT, thank you. Agree 100% that love and kindness are never wasted. I try to treat others as I would hope to be treated. Whatever happens, I want to come out of this with my head held high if I can, even though my heart may be severely cracked. I am SURE that my H's approaches through these tough weeks are as a result of previous kindness shown to him before. If I'd lost it with him [and I did a couple of times. Human. Normal. I'm over it] lots and lots, I doubt he'd feel safe to talk to me now.

Thank you all. So much.

Last night, I was driving home lateish for me [he knew I was out] and he rang to chat to me while I was in the car. That's another tiny change in him....toward something like the man I married. He hasn't done that for...well I can't remember...months. Actually probably years.

I am aware through all of this, and especially after reading Enyo's and Sunandshade's experiences, that H's MLC still has a lot of life in it and this is a looooooonnnnnnnggggg road, even from this viewpoint approaching the 4 year mark in April. I'm also aware that he may come through this and still not want our marriage. I am standing though, so I hope for the best in everything and everyone...while planning for the tough stuff!

Hugs all. I'll keep you posted.
  • Logged
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#79: February 25, 2020, 03:20:27 AM
Hello everyone
Just thought I'd share an update as H has revealed a little of what he's been thinking and it might help others to read. IDK...
Anyway, quick recap. H's father died suddenly in January. MiL had a bad cold that week and, with grief and shock added in, was really quite poorly. We were quite worried about her but she came through. As it turned out with MiL's illness and one thing and another, H and I pretty much organised the funeral ourselves. All the meetings you have to have and the decisions to be made etc were made by H and me.
So lots of contact from H. Lots of time together. He was much more "huggy", even held my hand a few times [was very tactile on the day of the funeral - hand holding etc]. Introduced me as his wife [I thought he'd forgotten the word "wife"!!  ::)] . Since the funeral, H has spent a couple of nights with his Mum. He usually asks if I'll visit [usually with S] and have dinner with them. He's done this 3 times now and each time has called me when I got home or was driving home and chatted with me...you know like an H would call his W when away from home. He never normally calls me from wherever it is he's living. He usually calls during the day or when he's somewhere else [if at all].

He said he wanted to talk to me about losing his Dad but, no surprise to reveal that he hasn't mentioned this again!
Anyway, in one exchange of messages, I told him about a conversation I'd had with his Mum [his relationship with her is at the heart of his FOO issues I believe] and she said how proud she was of him. We have looked through lots of family photos [we put a book of remembrance together for the wake] and he said "I'm aware I have some sort of issue that has been with me a long time. I clearly did some fab stuff and experienced many things that were positive but something has stopped me from being in the moment so I've missed the here and now. That's why I look at so many pictures and cannot recall being there at all. I'm so sad about that and the other ways it's affected me. I'm glad to have spent that short amount of time with Dad that I did [he didn't really visit them at all over the last 2 years. Occasional family lunches is all] and can get to know Mum a little better now too"

I felt very sad reading that. There are hundreds and hundreds of photos of family adventures. All sorts of stuff they did together when he was a child. It's sad that he can't currently recall any of that, isn't it?
Other than this, I know he's not [or at least wasn't for weeks] sleeping well. He still comes across as a bit of a [insert rude word of choice] so the alien invader still has some control. He's been MUCH more communicative with his Mother, sister and brother lately. He's been ok with the kids for a while and I can't tell from my viewpoint how their relationships are with him. S particularly is still quite scathing of H's comms with him.

Nothing much has changed with regards to his relationship with me - or at least, it perhaps changed a bit for a few weeks there but has gone back to where we were. Usually get a message from him each weekday. Despite the many extra hugs [with two arms not the hateful one armed type] and clearly needing me to be around for a lot of this, there has been nothing else and, on the outside at least, he remains as distant as before.

I've thought a lot about what Enyo wrote - about the time, after her H lost his parents, that it took him to even begin to communicate better with her and their sons.

I'm going to be honest and have been a bit frustrated with him and his constant mood changes. Not even sure that it's "moods" per se - sometimes it feels like personality changes. I need to think about this and remember not to react to him as I believe he doesn't know he's doing it. He forgets to tell us of changes of plan and things [all usual MLC stuff] and it's frustrated me a couple of times. I need to be calm and remember that this will take as long as it takes. I think, when he was so much more like the man I married for those weeks around the funeral, that I had expectations of "better" and of course, I was wrong. My error, darn it. I'm a little cross at myself but doubtless it won't mean much in the grand scheme.

So it's back to quiet love. Support. Getting on. I would rather be me than my shell of an MLCer H who can't remember the fun and love from all those photos.
 
  • Logged
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10516
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Re: Get Through Today
#80: February 25, 2020, 03:42:42 AM
Hi Music,

Interesting update... Sounds like the passing of H's F has shaken the tree a bit but it is taking time for the nuts to fall out... And, it sounds as if he is having some insight into his past.

Did he react at all to the revelation that his M told you how proud she was of him?
  • Logged
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10708
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#81: February 25, 2020, 03:45:11 AM
Ah, those darned expectations and frustrations lol. So normal in RL, so unhelpful in this not so normal right?

A lot of folks have posted about these patches when you seem to get a taste of something close to the original and/or a reminder of the reality of their internal mess.....a tiny bubble of expectation of something, some kind of shift maybe....and then poof. Must be hard. One of the few times I feel grateful to have had a vanisher tbh. Bc I suppose you have to do a kind of internal reset again. Please don't be cross with yourself though, it's normal and you didn't let your expectations draw you to do anything which added more mess did you? That's more than good enough surely.
  • Logged
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#82: February 25, 2020, 03:55:52 AM
Hey Ursa - good way to put it about shaking the nuts from the tree, lol! Lots of nuts around here but none on the floor! Ha! His reaction was something along the lines of "that's lovely to hear" and then the message I relayed above. I remember thinking at the time that I must remember to say or pass on nice things to him or compliment him as he does [or did] respond to that. I got several messages after that on the same day. I need to remember this, I think - not to just respond to him which I usually do but to occasionally, on merit, say something good first.

Thanks Treasur, I'm over it now and you're spot on: no more mess added so that's good, yes. Thank you for reminding me.
  • Logged
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1200
  • Gender: Female
Get Through Today
#83: April 05, 2020, 03:56:29 AM
Hope you are getting on ok Music.

How is lockdown? Is it you and the kids?

Stay well
Rose 🌹
  • Logged
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Get Through Today
#84: April 05, 2020, 04:10:22 AM
Hello Rose, yes me and the kids. One furloughed from work, the other home from Uni. All well so far.
Lovely to hear from you.

I'll update while I'm here. Any movement I thought H was making around the time of his Father's funeral has slowed then stopped it seems. He was definitely different. More in touch with his Mum (staying with her once a week which of course has had to stop), more in touch with his sister etc.
He has been very busy at work. Setting people up to work from home and monitoring systems etc. He's never really contacted me from wherever he's living. If he called it was always from work, the car or his Mums so now he's at "home" he doesn't call. I still get messages from him via WhatsApp but little else.
Maybe Coronavirus has saved me from what was going to be a touch and go. Certainly feels like it.
He is being considerate to a degree. He's dropped off some bits we needed etc. He checks in with the kids regularly with calls and messages. He's worried about getting ill and the arrogance of earlier MLC times has faded.
Coming up on 4 years this month.

Stay well all x
  • Logged
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1584
  • Gender: Female
  • Mlc- Cake eater for 3 yr now vanisher
Re: Get Through Today
#85: April 05, 2020, 05:09:27 AM
Good to hear from you music, glad you are all ok. Coronavirus has mellowed it seems some mlc a little bit but from what I have read on other feeds, many are still in the tunnel. Only further along the lock downs will we know if there is any movement I think.
Stay safe xx
  • Logged
Me 52
H53
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

K
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 5547
  • Gender: Female
Get Through Today
#86: April 06, 2020, 12:49:02 PM
I'll be 4 years in May. I think many of them start to really question what they are doing, realizing they have not found that elusive "happiness" they thought they were running toward, leading to T&Gs.

Checking in with the kids regularly is also movement.

Hang in there friend. I am glad you have your kids there with you. That does make this situation so much better.

Happy to hear you are staying healthy.
  • Logged
Me 49
H 47
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Get Through Today
#87: April 07, 2020, 01:39:20 PM
Thanks Rising. Thanks KiT. A lot to think on...again!

Meanwhile today I had a breakthrough. In the last 4 years, I've lost H to his MLC, my two beloved doggos, my job and my lovely FiL.
Well today I won one back. I was offered a great job having been interviewed on video call...strange times. Anyway...am over the moon.
I came home and told the kids. I told my brother....yet I haven't told H yet. I had a message from him earlier but it was something and nothing and I thought...he's really not that bothered about me right now so I havent told him yet (and I'm off to bed). There was a time I'd have told him all about it and he'd be the first to know...well I shared nothing...not the application, interview or yet: the news.
Strange and sad times.
But I got the job! Finally a win...share a bit of it with me...we deserve it!
Stay safe x
  • Logged
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

K
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 5547
  • Gender: Female
Get Through Today
#88: April 07, 2020, 01:42:23 PM
Yay Music!! Congrats. That must feel so good. And to get a new job in this environment? Super impressive.

Celebrate tonight with your lovely family. A big win indeed!
  • Logged
Me 49
H 47
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10708
  • Gender: Female
Get Through Today
#89: April 07, 2020, 02:36:37 PM
Fantastic news, Music! Well done, you obviously wowed them!
  • Logged
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4207
  • Gender: Male
  • Back to being #1 for my daughters!!!!
Get Through Today
#90: April 07, 2020, 02:58:00 PM
Congratulations and I hope only the best for you!

(((Hugs))) and more (((Hugs)))

Ready
  • Logged
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1584
  • Gender: Female
  • Mlc- Cake eater for 3 yr now vanisher
Re: Get Through Today
#91: April 07, 2020, 09:12:50 PM
Congratulations music in your new job. You deserve it. Fabulous news xx
  • Logged
Me 52
H53
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10516
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Get Through Today
#92: April 08, 2020, 12:58:44 AM
VERY impressed! To score that win in this environment is a BIG deal. Congratulations!  It is a bit of a head-shaker that the first person we'd have told previously becomes one of the last to know, (if they ever were to find out at all).....

I'm in a similar situation because of a merger - position with real personnel authority but xW knows nothing about it and it doesn't concern her anymore...
  • Logged
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1200
  • Gender: Female
Get Through Today
#93: April 08, 2020, 05:15:10 AM
Great news Music especially at the moment.

If I was picking I would also give you the job so they sound very wise!

Hooray
Rose 🌹
  • Logged
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Get Through Today
#94: April 11, 2020, 11:26:28 AM
Thank you so much everyone. Your good wishes mean a lot. Good news for you too Ursa. Delighted for you.
Still havent told H my good news. Extraordinary.
He has properly withdrawn. I spoke to MiL today and she clearly hasn't heard much from him either.
I had a very down day about it on Friday but I'm ok now.
Hugs all. Stay well.

  • Logged
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 744
  • Gender: Male
Get Through Today
#95: April 12, 2020, 10:42:28 PM
Congratulations on the new job Music! Here's hoping it's the start of a long streak of #winning.
  • Logged
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Get Through Today
#96: July 19, 2020, 01:08:14 PM
Hello everyone. Hope you're as ok as can  be.
I've been keeping up to date with posts but thought I hadn't updated for a while so felt I should.

By many measures, I havent much to report....but something in H is different. Something definitely changed somehow when his Dad died. He got into the habit of staying with his Mum once a week and would call me at bedtime etc. So more contact and more like "husband" behaviour.
Then lockdown. Off he went again for a while there. Less contact.
Then last 2 months or so, more contact again.
Since I got my new job, he calls me most days while I'm driving to work. He often calls at the end of the day too. He's been over to the house and gone lots of practical things and is a lot more interested in household jobs/maintenance etc. Given that this all stopped for a good year or so, that's a change.
He's counted us as his "bubble" I think and, given that he's very anti mixing with the public cos of Covid 19, I think he's mixed only with us and not with OW. He's also been here for a few hours most weekends. Again, a change, as he used to go off the radar completely at weekends with me. This said, I'm realistic and he could be very much still with her - odd sort of relationship but then he's in MLC so it may make perfect sense to them. Whatever.

I take this contact at face value only. I know it might stop as unexpectedly as it began. I read Acorn (I think) on someone else's thread saying that she mirrors H's behaviour and I try and do the same. I don't initiate much contact but respond in kind, when he does.
Interestingly, despite this change in contact, when we see H, he's still "odd". Not the H I married. Still always up and cheerful yet oddly inauthentic. That thing you get from MLCers that is unlike anyone else.
Still terrible at remembering things. Regularly not sleeping well he says. Asks my opinion on a range of things but, unlike Keeping It Together's H, not any kind of whisper of regret or affection. All I've had is an occasional two arm hug instead of the one armed bandit hug of the past 2 years.

So...what do you think? Movement? Elongated touch and go?

Whatever it is, I'll just keep on keeping on. I miss him and our relationship terribly but I find I can cope. I work and I parent. I miss being a partner but I'm ok.

Hugs all
X
  • Logged
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1200
  • Gender: Female
Get Through Today
#97: July 22, 2020, 02:11:54 PM
Music lovely to hear your update.

My mind is so perplexed with all of this I am not much use trying to answer you.

He did used to call you every night I remember that, then he went overseas with OW I think and you told him that changes things and so he stopped those late night messages.

His Dad dying does seem to have jolted him, who knows how much yet.

Those messages are keeping you on his rollercoaster somewhat. It’s a tricky balance.

We have always been alike you and I and at this point we have heard almost zero from my H for 4 months and I feel much less that I am sitting with him on a rollercoaster if that makes any sense at all.

I’m really tired but did want to answer you so you it makes some sense. Xx
  • Logged
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Get Through Today
#98: July 23, 2020, 09:11:48 AM
So good to hear from you, Rose. I've been wondering how you are. You're right, I've seen some of this behaviour before from H...not the phone calls so much. I know what you mean about keeping on the rollercoaster but I'm ok with it all. His shenanigans don't bother me so much now - I just take each day as it comes where he's concerned. Thanks for flagging though, it's good to have your perspective.

As for your H. He was also a clinger wasn't he? So 4 months is a long time to hear barely anything from him - I'm sorry to read that but it seems to fit the "pattern" that even clingers have these periods I think? I'm sorry though...for you and for the family. Shows how mixed up they are. Must be very hard. Ties in with Coronavirus too doesn't it?
Thanks for posting. I hope you're ok.
X
  • Logged
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

K
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 5547
  • Gender: Female
Get Through Today
#99: July 23, 2020, 09:33:39 AM
Hi Music. Nice to hear from you. In my opinion, seems like anytime they "change" it is movement. Whether the change is good or bad, just more evidence they are still processing. I like that you take it at face value b/c as quickly as he changes to more contact, he might change to less. I think mine is more of a clinging boomerang. Huge T&G in June, and now has dropped off all contact almost completely--with both me and S13. I did establish some boundaries which I am sure he is not too happy with but it is for my own sanity. And he is likely licking his wounds with OW now. She seems to be ok with having a partial person as her "man." And frankly, she can have him.

I hear you on missing being a partner. Me too. But I have to remind myself that my H isn't much of a partner now. Perhaps logistically maybe? ie: helping with chores and errands? But emotionally and mentally, he is pretty vapid currently. And that cannot be easy to deal with. Thankfully I don't b/c it is exhausting.  How are the conversations with your H? Do you find them exhilarating or exhausting? Or none of the above?

You sound really good Music. Keep going.
  • Logged
Me 49
H 47
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Get Through Today
#100: July 26, 2020, 10:05:12 AM
Thanks Kit.
You're right of course- he's not someone I'd choose to be with right now. He's still so arrogant and he absolutely was not that. Though it's all a mask and I got to see that - he had a big presentation at work (over Zoom!!) and had to prepare a lot for it. I offered a pleasantry along the lines of "you'll be great" and he brushed that off, saying he'd be fine. There was nothing for him to worry about. Really H? Few days later and he messages to say he's feeling nervous about this presentation now!!! So I challenged that and said that as he'd been so belligerent about it, I was surprised at his concern. He admitted he'd been wrong to say he wasn't worried. Good grief!!
Re communication with him, I get more normal - or should I say normal to me- H on messages but on the phone or face to face: Boom! Shields up No.1.
He's more MLC-ish. Odd.
I'm glad he's more in contact, to answer your question, Kit. Exhilarating like when we first got together? Nope. Exhausting? Nope. Can't say that. Though I find I'm on my guard mostly...but I can deal with that. At the moment anyway.
What I can't see is how he'll get from this place on his journey to any sort of reconciliation. He seems "set". But who knows??? If you'd said a year ago that he'd be coming round more etc. I'd have doubted it very much so who knows?

Anyway, as always, thanks so much for your support.
Big hugs.
  • Logged
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Get Through Today
#101: August 11, 2020, 12:45:58 PM
Hello
I sort of have a question here or if you have any thoughts or experience on this one.
My H continues his snail's pace journey through MLC land. He's been pretty consistent with calls and visits for the last few weeks now.
Recently, long story short, we've been working to help adult S with a few issues. S is now seeing a counsellor and is benefiting from that. For a number of reasons my H thinks S might be undiagnosed ADD and, from the reading he's shared and other things, he may be right.
This is not my S's story so I'll leave it there.
H told me today that, as he's been researching, he's wondering if he too might be ADD. He hasn't told me why specifically, only that he recognizes some of the markers in himself and says "it would explain a lot of behaviours that frankly I don't want to live with anymore". Ok H
While I see several things that might link S to ADD, I cannot make the same connections for H....at least certainly not to pre MLC H. I'm wondering if he's searching for answers to his MLC self and behaviours and seeing some ADD characteristics like terrible memory, difficulty staying focused and others and thinking he's found an answer.
I can honestly say that nothing in his pre MLC behaviour gave me any reason to think he's undiagnosed - whereas there's long been a feeling with S that we were missing some key that would help him.
I've tried not to ramble here but I'd be really interested in what you think. It's difficult to talk to H because well MLC and he says he'll get himself tested.
Anyone got any thoughts?
Thank you.
  • Logged
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4207
  • Gender: Male
  • Back to being #1 for my daughters!!!!
Get Through Today
#102: August 12, 2020, 01:31:53 PM
Hello,

Regardless of whether or not he is ADD or ADHD, the item to note is that your H sees something wrong within him. This means he is looking inward for the source of his pain rather than projecting outwardly at those around him.

I hope all goes well with him and especially your son,

(((((Hugs)))) and more ((((Hugs))))

Ready
  • Logged
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Get Through Today
#103: August 14, 2020, 12:33:40 PM
Thanks Ready. That's a very good point.
  • Logged
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1200
  • Gender: Female
Get Through Today
#104: August 14, 2020, 04:32:28 PM
Thanks Ready. That's a very good point.

I agree, very good point Ready.
Rose 🌹
  • Logged
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

M
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3611
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#105: August 18, 2020, 03:58:38 PM
Hi Music, I agree with Ready in that your H seems to realize that there's something wrong with him, although it's probably not ADD or ADHD. Maybe these are just two terms he's familiar with. Maybe he knows nothing about MLC, as most of us didn't either when all this started, or landed on us. I think this is a good thing, a bit like the LBS who starts searching for answers to herself after BD. Hope he keeps at it.
  • Logged
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 107
  • Gender: Male
Get Through Today
#106: August 19, 2020, 06:31:46 AM
Hi music,

interesting that H sees there is something about his processing that is unusual, this must be a good sign that denial and blame are not his only responses to this awful crisis.

 I chime in here only because I work with young people who have behavioural and social issues and have been involved in diagnosing ADD/ADHD for two decades.  I would say that self diagnosis is never accurate, particularly when identifying markers from a list.  Nearly everyone ticks some boxes for ADD at some point in their life, even if it just on their wedding day or before a big job interview.

 To accurately assess cognitive patterns requires a very strict, formal testing process that requires others to describe the regularity of behaviours on 100+ scenarios, (at least here in UK).  Even if the correlation is strong across all respondents it requires expert interpretation about what is a brain function and what is a function of personality and environment. 

It is not always useful for anyone to have the label, particularly when you are an adult, but to examine thought processes and reactions to stress is extremely valuable for anyone.  I hope your H continues to show curiosity about his processing - this can only be good for you both.

LW
  • Logged

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Get Through Today
#107: August 20, 2020, 11:34:19 AM
Thanks Rose,  Milly and LW.
I appreciate your thoughts very much.
LW thanks for sharing your insight and experience. To be fair, I think from the little that he's told me, H isn't self diagnosing but has researched this and has sought advice but...he's having a MLC so the advice might be coming from Kermit the Frog.
As for labels, I agree 1000%. S has been having some issues and we're trying to work out how best to help him.
As I don't believe H has any concept of a midlife crisis as we understand it here (thinking as I did, before he went into one, that it was a jokey thing about a sports car and a leather jacket), it'll be interesting to see what he makes of his research and where it leads him.
As you've all said, inward looking questioning is better than shouting at the moon.

Hugs all.
  • Logged
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

M
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3611
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#108: August 20, 2020, 03:12:47 PM
Music, there's not much we can tell you that you don't seem to already know yourself. You have a good head on your shoulders. Talking about the little we knew about MLC before BD, except for the jokey sport's car and leather jacket, reading your words reminded me that my H also had the sport's car and leather jacket. He had a short, soft brown leather jacket that looked like it cost a lot and would be beautiful on a 30 year old man, or better, on a woman. So the clichés are also true and part of the crisis. Shame nothing is said about the other stuff, which is the worst part.
  • Logged
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Get Through Today
#109: October 18, 2020, 10:59:52 AM
Hello. I hope everyone is keeping well in these trying times.
I thought I'd journal as I haven't updated in a while.

H has become a regular visitor. He spends Saturdays with us and has done for a few months now. He also comes over one evening a week and occasionally at other times.
How does this play out re his past MLC shenanigans?
He's decided on some house projects and is working through them. He's ordered materials and done work - last couple of years could barely spend 10 minutes in the house.
- he's being an active parent. Is helping D learn to drive. Spending time with S on hobbies. Listens to them. Counsels them. This after sitting on our bed not long after BD and saying "I can't do any more for them. They'll be what they'll be" (one of the flags that got me thinking something was very off with him)
- he speaks to his Mum every day. Visits occasionally though she's shielding so it's difficult. Last two years, barely had anything to do with them. We lost his Dad in January.
- active interest in my work now.
- we recently got a new puppy having lost our old doggo last year. He's very engaged with this and came with us on a lengthy round trip to pick him up. Was very helpful.
So all that's going on. No R talks. Some "remember whens..." from him but nothing remotely even hinted at re us as a couple. Still a bit of a mask on. Still sounds and acts a bit off. Has to be busy, busy, busy.

There was a thing the other night when he was over for dinner. A guy he's worked with since BD and who's become a bit of a mate called. I know of this guy but haven't met him. The OW has though. H politely explained that he was having dinner with his son and daughter so couldn't chat - that he would call back. I was sitting next to him on the sofa, in my home and he didn't mention me. I was a little upset at this (though I know I don't know the guy, it felt off to be ignored while I was sitting right there). I didn't say anything. Just thought I'd try and rise above. However D and S clocked it and felt the same - so challenged him on it while washing up. He came back to me and apologised. I believe it was genuinely heartfelt - said he didn't think. He didn't mean anything by it and was sorry I was upset. I let him have a couple of truth bombs and made him aware I know she's met the guy. He had the grace to look mortified and said "I'm trying so hard to be better".

So that's the state of play. This extra contact has crept up on me but as I write and look back, I see the movement in him....albeit ever so slowwwwwwwwwlyyyyy.

Puppy is great. Life not bad generally otherwise - though this virus is getting to me a bit.

Hugs all.
  • Logged
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

S
  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 6103
  • Gender: Female
  • Strength and honour are her clothing;
Re: Get Through Today
#110: October 19, 2020, 03:47:37 AM
This is sounding very positive Music45.

It certainly bears the hallmarks of early reconnection. 

Having been and still there though - my advice is this. Treat the times he is there lightly, brightly and authentically. 

If he is coming round just once a week reduce any expectations you may have for longer stints until they appear organically.

What I have found is that reconnection is painfully slow to the point of agonising whether it's even worth it. 

From my experience the MLCer will do the right things and then require a breather.  My H lives at home so I see this so often - what works for you though is that your MLCer lives away for most days of the week and so the time you do have can begin to have quality.

No expectations and no demands are the order of the day thus far.

Good one !
  • Logged
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 and still going with no sign of reconciliation.

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Get Through Today
#111: October 19, 2020, 12:38:54 PM
Thanks so much Song.
Slow is right and yes, it seems he does exactly as you describe...can be here a bit then retreats.
Thank you for your wise words.
He came over today out of the blue. He messaged to offer to pick D up from work. I said no problem. Then he called to see if he could come over earlier then go get her (as he had a conference call to be on). He must have  called en route, as he almost immediately turned up. Then he stayed a bit and even stayed for dinner. He never stays late and I find it quite easy to not push or try and cajole him in any way... I just pick up on his cues if you like. I'm not being a pushover, just treating him like I would my brother or his sister if they popped round.

Hate it when he leaves. Hate it. But I just smile, return the hug if one is offered and get on with it.

Right now, he seems happy with this arrangement. Like he's ok with our relationship as it is and doesn't want more. Ah well.

  • Logged
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

K
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 5547
  • Gender: Female
Get Through Today
#112: October 19, 2020, 03:59:22 PM
This all sounds really good Music. And you are handling it se well.  It is quite agonizing isn't it? having them home seemingly "normal" only to then leave and go do who-knows-what. This is the challenging part. But it seems like he is moving closer, albeit at a snail's (or MLCer's)  pace. Wishing you continued strength and peace.
  • Logged
Me 49
H 47
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Get Through Today
#113: October 21, 2020, 11:50:40 PM
Thanks KiT. Agonizing is the right word, definitely.

Got another insight into my MLCer's world today.
Ever have a feeling you're going to get some news before you get it? I did yesterday then he sits down when he's here and says "can I tell you about something going on with me at the moment". Brain is screaming "Brace! Brave! Brace!" But managed to say just "yes, ok".

Long story short: he's moving to a new place this week. He has been living somewhere that OW was paying for and he was paying her rent. He told me last night that he hopes this new place (in a holiday destination near here) will be somewhere we can all use together in the future. He's loved coming to the house more. The relationships with S&D and with me are very important to him. This will be his own place that will give him the "me" time he needs.
He also said that he stays in a motel when "she wants to use it" i.e the rental place he's in currently. I suppose I should have asked him why? Is their relationship over? But I admit I find it very difficult to bring her up in conversation.
He asked me if I'd go and see this new place he's got. I said I'd have to think about that. I've not been offered (or would have accepted) an invitation to the OW related place. So I'm wondering if this means no OW now.
He then said a lot of stuff about processing his Dad's death. That he wasnt feeling grief the way he thought he would (I said I think grieving is a very personal thing and different for everyone). He said maybe once he had moved, he would get some counselling. We talked about this some more and I said that when his Dad died, his head was a bit all over the place (meaning MLC but not saying it) and that might have an impact. That grief has a habit of coming up and getting you when you might not expect it to.
After more discussion, I suggested he speak to the counsellor who he's spoken to before (during one of his false returns way back and before he went back into the fog and announced counselling wouldn't help).
He messaged me after he left to say he'd texted her already.
So not sure what to make of all this. Clearly some movement along that tunnel but still very much wanting to be on his own?
Maybe the counselling will help unravel that big ball of wool in his head and help him with more than his Dad's death.
  • Logged
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

S
  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 6103
  • Gender: Female
  • Strength and honour are her clothing;
Re: Get Through Today
#114: October 22, 2020, 01:31:00 AM
Quote
Long story short: he's moving to a new place this week. He has been living somewhere that OW was paying for and he was paying her rent. He told me last night that he hopes this new place (in a holiday destination near here) will be somewhere we can all use together in the future. He's loved coming to the house more. The relationships with S&D and with me are very important to him. Long story short: he's moving to a new place this week. He has been living somewhere that OW was paying for and he was paying her rent. He told me last night that he hopes this new place (in a holiday destination near here) will be somewhere we can all use together in the future. He's loved coming to the house more. The relationships with S&D and with me are very important to him. This will be his own place that will give him the "me" time he needs.
He also said that he stays in a motel when "she wants to use it" i.e the rental place he's in currently. I suppose I should have asked him why? Is their relationship over? But I admit I find it very difficult to bring her up in conversation.
He asked me if I'd go and see this new place he's got. I said I'd have to think about that. I've not been offered (or would have accepted) an invitation to the OW related place. So I'm wondering if this means no OW now.
He also said that he stays in a motel when "she wants to use it" i.e the rental place he's in currently. I suppose I should have asked him why? Is their relationship over? But I admit I find it very difficult to bring her up in conversation.
He asked me if I'd go and see this new place he's got. I said I'd have to think about that. I've not been offered (or would have accepted) an invitation to the OW related place. So I'm wondering if this means no OW now.

In reverse - no it doesn't mean there is no OW anymore.  Any contact he has with her means she is still in play and may still be on hold.

I would refuse to go and see it if I were you because what you are doing is endorsing his behaviour. YOu are saying it is ok for him to live in OW's place (even if he is on his own - which I doubt) and that means he is getting your approval for his behaviour.  It is a typical "pity me I'm doing what I can but I am the victim here" approach that many MLCers take.  Please don't feed it.
You can simply say " No I don't want to see where you live because it is owned by OW and because you are still in contact with her. Whilst you continue to see her even in a tenant/landlord capacity it is not appropriate for me to endorse what you are doing"

I'm sorry but this is typical MLC behaviour - he wants to maintain the relationship with his children (which on one hand is good but on the other very confusing for them) 
He also wants to keep the anchor checking in place with you.

I hate to say this especially as you may be in the stages of early reconnection but MLCers will continue to manipulate and lie even when it seems they are moving forward out of the tunnel. 

This is what should keep you distanced and keep your contact with him just to the current arrangement - he has to make the choice to step out completely on his own and completely free from any connection with OW before you can morally or emotionally support where he lives.

Sorry to seem harsh but I can see an MLC fishing line reeling you in and setting your present situation back as it will increase your expectations and also your disappointments.
  • Logged
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 and still going with no sign of reconciliation.

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Get Through Today
#115: October 22, 2020, 01:34:59 AM
Thank you for that Song. You're absolutely right. I've had nothing to do with the place he is currently in.because there's an OW link.
I probably didn't make myself clear - I don't know if the new place includes her in any way. I didnt ask him outright. I should have. I will.

Thanks for grounding me. Until he's OW free, I'm not interested.
  • Logged
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

S
  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 6103
  • Gender: Female
  • Strength and honour are her clothing;
Re: Get Through Today
#116: October 22, 2020, 02:29:44 AM
Quote
I don't know if the new place includes her in any way. I didnt ask him outright. I should have. I will.

Why would you need to ask? I suggest that next time he asks just mention the boundary that whilst he is connected with her etc... and see what response emerges.

If you ask him outright you may not get a truthful answer and it may cause you more angst than him.

  • Logged
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 and still going with no sign of reconciliation.

M
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3611
  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#117: October 29, 2020, 05:37:52 AM
Music, it does sound like your H is inching closer. He seems to be thinking about stuff, his father's death, maybe his choice to go live with OW. It's possible he's had a bit of an awakening, or at least one or two of them. He seems to realize he needs to distance himself from the OW, and has put that into action by getting a place on his own. He also seems to realize that his head and feelings are not quite right and that he needs professional help, then he carried through with the action of booking himself an appointment. I do believe he's starting to see some light and is probably in a further stage of his crisis. Can always go right back and try all the Replay fun again as you know, but still, I do sense movement. You are doing so well at being patient around him. I bet it must be so hard to keep your emotions grounded. Hoping things keep improving.
  • Logged
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.