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Author Topic: My Story Get Through Today

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My Story Re: Get Through Today
#10: June 25, 2019, 06:08:45 PM
I absolutely love every word that Ursa Major wrote. Print it and put it on your fridge.
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trying2bok

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Re: Get Through Today
#11: June 25, 2019, 11:05:18 PM
Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I keep re-reading your posts and am very grateful for each one. Humbled that a bunch of strangers will reach out and help - in RL, I don't have this support as the few who do know said I should have left him ages ago now.

Yep, message received re the letter. I think I knew not to reply really and so I'll move on from that one.

KiT - yes exactly, it feels like he's off to war and is telling me things in case he doesn't see me again.

As the dust begins to settle a little bit a few things he said are a bit clearer in my head - lots of emphasis on the financial necessity of this move. He kept coming back to that and in different ways, which is usually a signal that there's some truth in it I think. He could have moved in with OW [or similar] at any point - he has been out of our home for a year [and wasn't home often for 8 months before that] yet it's only now that he's moving. He changed job in Feb and does have less money so he's obviously hung on wherever he was until he couldn't do that anymore - so he's been in a proper fantasy world, floating about where he likes until now. Now he's committed to the OW by moving in to her place - and she's enabled all this by providing it. Given the amount of times he's left her and returned to me, it's a pretty odd thing to buy or rent a place for this man - if you're her, surely? Bit desperate? Sounds healthy doesn't it - he's getting somewhere to live, she's pinning him down? If she's the big love - why didn't he move to be with her last year? He had the money to commute to work [she lives and runs a business 200+ miles away and when he moves, he isn't moving in with her. She'll still be 150+ miles away from the place he'll be living]- he only sees S once a week [and D is at Uni so visits to her are limited anyway].

Well it doesn't matter because if I'm right or not, it's not my problem and whatever he got from keeping in touch with me has gone now. There'll just be him and his choices blowin' in the wind.

Thank you again. What an amazing bunch of people you are.



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« Last Edit: June 25, 2019, 11:08:47 PM by Music45 »
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

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Re: Get Through Today
#12: June 25, 2019, 11:16:14 PM
Music...and how far you have come that you can look at these things with a more detached eye right?

I suspect you're right and that he has financial troubles. And ow has him by the short and curlies. Not unusual for an MLCer. Not your problem of course unless it affects you or your kids. As you say, let him live his choices while you get on with your own life.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

M
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Re: Get Through Today
#13: June 26, 2019, 11:38:27 PM
Thanks Treasur - yes, you're right and I've bounced up a bit quicker. Still hurts. Still miss him. But I'm alright.

Ok, ok...and I think I know what I'm going to get here but the difference is that I'm writing this here and not to H.

There's something about this new deal he's set up for himself that is really bothering me - and that it's that he emphasised that this move is financially motivated. I remember a few other things about what he said and the way he said it. It's all to do with money. Now, that's fine on every level. He needs time. He needs space. I get all that but he's entering into a pact with the devil here. When he makes this move, how tied is he going to feel to her because of this alone? Does he think he has no other option because it sounded like it from some of the things he said. Does he think he's burnt his bridges back to me so may as well go with this?

There is a part of me that wants to remind him that he does have a choice - he can come home [spare room obvs] - though the "price" he'd pay for that is no contact with her.

I'm a bit torn by this. I know that going dark is the only thing to do and I should have done it sooner but this feels like something I should say to him before he commits to something that could make a bad situation worse.
I also understand that I have to leave him to his bad choices and that intervention is a kind of "rescue" - what's that quote about the lighthouse {i'm sorry, I forget on who's profile I've seen this} - the lighthouse stands and shows it's light - it doesn't go out into the storm looking for people to rescue.

Arrrgrrrrghhhhhhhh....at least I've put this on here...not contacted H already. I guess that's progress....sort of
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« Last Edit: June 26, 2019, 11:39:36 PM by Music45 »
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

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Re: Get Through Today
#14: June 27, 2019, 12:09:01 AM
Ok, ok...and I think I know what I'm going to get here but the difference is that I'm writing this here and not to H.

Well.... since you asked so nicely... <whack whack whack> ROFL

I get all that but he's entering into a pact with the devil here. When he makes this move, how tied is he going to feel to her because of this alone? Does he think he has no other option because it sounded like it from some of the things he said. Does he think he's burnt his bridges back to me so may as well go with this?

Maybe to all of the above BUT (you knew there was a big ol' BUT hanging out there, right?) do you think you might have an influence on what he thinks? Can you control what he thinks? Can you change what he thinks? Didn't think so... He very well MIGHT feel tied to her now, obligated, as if he has no other choice. You can present him with a myriad of options and he will STILL believe he "has no choice" (which is clearly rubbish but they can't see that in their fog)

There is a part of me that wants to remind him that he does have a choice - he can come home [spare room obvs] - though the "price" he'd pay for that is no contact with her.

Is that the same part of you that wants to go stick a barbecue fork up your nose?  Seriously, he knows this by your behaviour and what you have previously said to him and, at the moment, the price of having no contact with Schmoopie is more than he is ready to pay...

I'm a bit torn by this. I know that going dark is the only thing to do and I should have done it sooner but this feels like something I should say to him before he commits to something that could make a bad situation worse.

How to look good putting on the Ms. FixIt hat there...


I also understand that I have to leave him to his bad choices and that intervention is a kind of "rescue" - what's that quote about the lighthouse {i'm sorry, I forget on who's profile I've seen this} - the lighthouse stands and shows it's light - it doesn't go out into the storm looking for people to rescue.

Arrrgrrrrghhhhhhhh....at least I've put this on here...not contacted H already. I guess that's progress....sort of

Yes, to all the above.... H is responsible for his decisions and for the consequences of those decisions... You (as the demon-spawn LBS form Hades) can NOT "help" him make those decisions and, to be blunt, anything you try to do to influence his decision will lead to you being blamed for the repercussions...

And yes, Lighthouses do NOT run all over the island looking for ships to rescue, that is a FACT.

And yes, dear Music, it IS progress.... But that is what we are here for....
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« Last Edit: June 27, 2019, 12:32:48 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Get Through Today
#15: June 27, 2019, 12:23:34 AM
OMG Ursa!  ;D ;D ;D
The first person to come back at me and it had to be you with your gif and your wise words of fire! Lol. You've cheered me up and have actually made me laugh this morning and "laughing" at anything MLC has been impossible for too long this week...
I have straight, blonde hair....now going to go out and purchase enormous pink hat!! This is a much better plan than anything else I've thought of myself re H.

THANK YOU Ursa.  8) ;D


{can't promise won't be back with other ridiculous thoughts from middle of the night LBS thinkiness, lol}
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Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

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Re: Get Through Today
#16: June 27, 2019, 12:34:02 AM
Middle of the night? It's 09:30 in the morning on Thursday on my side of the planet....  :o

that IS the down side of having members all over the world,.... One can get whacked with a 2x4 almost 24 hours per day....
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« Last Edit: June 27, 2019, 12:35:52 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

M
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  • Gender: Female
Re: Get Through Today
#17: June 27, 2019, 12:36:43 AM
Yes, I'm in the UK so only an hour behind you - but these thoughts come and knock in my brain in the middle of the night...that's when they wake you up and seem like a good idea!
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Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

W
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Re: Get Through Today
#18: June 27, 2019, 12:38:13 AM
Music, go out any buy that hat! Seriously, its summer so its all cool (and women in summer hats are kinda sexy). I bet you will feel great when you put it on  ;)
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Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

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Re: Get Through Today
#19: June 27, 2019, 02:00:55 AM
Music

You would suit that hat!

I’ve been pondering your idea about reminding H there’s a spare room at yours. I can see your point. So I thought of shocks sis being told by her H she could stay in their room. She wouldn’t have wanted it probably unless he suggested it now. She got to her own conclusion after her OM moved in with her and you can tell now how certain she is in her decision and that’s what you want from your H.

Acorns words too are always ‘leave him alone’ type of thing.

The difference is really that your H is not at BD and has been in touch with you daily so probably isn’t still hating you which is good. He’s moving forward. If I remember rightly BBHelp got to a stage where he went on vacation with his W at one point and when they came back she had bought a momento for OM! That’s when he took his eyes off her, and completely worked on himself.

So I’m summary (!) my pondering has got to the point of if you say ‘why dont you stay here for free but you can’t see OW anymore’ isn’t what you want. You want him to say to you ‘can I come and stay in the spare room and I won’t see OW anymore’ and he’s just not there yet. So keep your eyes off him.

Rose 🌹
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Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

 

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