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Author Topic: My Story Get Through Today

M
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My Story Get Through Today
#100: July 26, 2020, 10:05:12 AM
Thanks Kit.
You're right of course- he's not someone I'd choose to be with right now. He's still so arrogant and he absolutely was not that. Though it's all a mask and I got to see that - he had a big presentation at work (over Zoom!!) and had to prepare a lot for it. I offered a pleasantry along the lines of "you'll be great" and he brushed that off, saying he'd be fine. There was nothing for him to worry about. Really H? Few days later and he messages to say he's feeling nervous about this presentation now!!! So I challenged that and said that as he'd been so belligerent about it, I was surprised at his concern. He admitted he'd been wrong to say he wasn't worried. Good grief!!
Re communication with him, I get more normal - or should I say normal to me- H on messages but on the phone or face to face: Boom! Shields up No.1.
He's more MLC-ish. Odd.
I'm glad he's more in contact, to answer your question, Kit. Exhilarating like when we first got together? Nope. Exhausting? Nope. Can't say that. Though I find I'm on my guard mostly...but I can deal with that. At the moment anyway.
What I can't see is how he'll get from this place on his journey to any sort of reconciliation. He seems "set". But who knows??? If you'd said a year ago that he'd be coming round more etc. I'd have doubted it very much so who knows?

Anyway, as always, thanks so much for your support.
Big hugs.
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Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

M
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Get Through Today
#101: August 11, 2020, 12:45:58 PM
Hello
I sort of have a question here or if you have any thoughts or experience on this one.
My H continues his snail's pace journey through MLC land. He's been pretty consistent with calls and visits for the last few weeks now.
Recently, long story short, we've been working to help adult S with a few issues. S is now seeing a counsellor and is benefiting from that. For a number of reasons my H thinks S might be undiagnosed ADD and, from the reading he's shared and other things, he may be right.
This is not my S's story so I'll leave it there.
H told me today that, as he's been researching, he's wondering if he too might be ADD. He hasn't told me why specifically, only that he recognizes some of the markers in himself and says "it would explain a lot of behaviours that frankly I don't want to live with anymore". Ok H
While I see several things that might link S to ADD, I cannot make the same connections for H....at least certainly not to pre MLC H. I'm wondering if he's searching for answers to his MLC self and behaviours and seeing some ADD characteristics like terrible memory, difficulty staying focused and others and thinking he's found an answer.
I can honestly say that nothing in his pre MLC behaviour gave me any reason to think he's undiagnosed - whereas there's long been a feeling with S that we were missing some key that would help him.
I've tried not to ramble here but I'd be really interested in what you think. It's difficult to talk to H because well MLC and he says he'll get himself tested.
Anyone got any thoughts?
Thank you.
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Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

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Get Through Today
#102: August 12, 2020, 01:31:53 PM
Hello,

Regardless of whether or not he is ADD or ADHD, the item to note is that your H sees something wrong within him. This means he is looking inward for the source of his pain rather than projecting outwardly at those around him.

I hope all goes well with him and especially your son,

(((((Hugs)))) and more ((((Hugs))))

Ready
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"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

M
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Get Through Today
#103: August 14, 2020, 12:33:40 PM
Thanks Ready. That's a very good point.
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Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

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Get Through Today
#104: August 14, 2020, 04:32:28 PM
Thanks Ready. That's a very good point.

I agree, very good point Ready.
Rose 🌹
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Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

M
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Re: Get Through Today
#105: August 18, 2020, 03:58:38 PM
Hi Music, I agree with Ready in that your H seems to realize that there's something wrong with him, although it's probably not ADD or ADHD. Maybe these are just two terms he's familiar with. Maybe he knows nothing about MLC, as most of us didn't either when all this started, or landed on us. I think this is a good thing, a bit like the LBS who starts searching for answers to herself after BD. Hope he keeps at it.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Get Through Today
#106: August 19, 2020, 06:31:46 AM
Hi music,

interesting that H sees there is something about his processing that is unusual, this must be a good sign that denial and blame are not his only responses to this awful crisis.

 I chime in here only because I work with young people who have behavioural and social issues and have been involved in diagnosing ADD/ADHD for two decades.  I would say that self diagnosis is never accurate, particularly when identifying markers from a list.  Nearly everyone ticks some boxes for ADD at some point in their life, even if it just on their wedding day or before a big job interview.

 To accurately assess cognitive patterns requires a very strict, formal testing process that requires others to describe the regularity of behaviours on 100+ scenarios, (at least here in UK).  Even if the correlation is strong across all respondents it requires expert interpretation about what is a brain function and what is a function of personality and environment. 

It is not always useful for anyone to have the label, particularly when you are an adult, but to examine thought processes and reactions to stress is extremely valuable for anyone.  I hope your H continues to show curiosity about his processing - this can only be good for you both.

LW
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M
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Get Through Today
#107: August 20, 2020, 11:34:19 AM
Thanks Rose,  Milly and LW.
I appreciate your thoughts very much.
LW thanks for sharing your insight and experience. To be fair, I think from the little that he's told me, H isn't self diagnosing but has researched this and has sought advice but...he's having a MLC so the advice might be coming from Kermit the Frog.
As for labels, I agree 1000%. S has been having some issues and we're trying to work out how best to help him.
As I don't believe H has any concept of a midlife crisis as we understand it here (thinking as I did, before he went into one, that it was a jokey thing about a sports car and a leather jacket), it'll be interesting to see what he makes of his research and where it leads him.
As you've all said, inward looking questioning is better than shouting at the moon.

Hugs all.
  • Logged
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

M
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Re: Get Through Today
#108: August 20, 2020, 03:12:47 PM
Music, there's not much we can tell you that you don't seem to already know yourself. You have a good head on your shoulders. Talking about the little we knew about MLC before BD, except for the jokey sport's car and leather jacket, reading your words reminded me that my H also had the sport's car and leather jacket. He had a short, soft brown leather jacket that looked like it cost a lot and would be beautiful on a 30 year old man, or better, on a woman. So the clichés are also true and part of the crisis. Shame nothing is said about the other stuff, which is the worst part.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

 

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