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Author Topic: My Story Get Through Today

S
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My Story Re: Get Through Today
#110: October 19, 2020, 03:47:37 AM
This is sounding very positive Music45.

It certainly bears the hallmarks of early reconnection. 

Having been and still there though - my advice is this. Treat the times he is there lightly, brightly and authentically. 

If he is coming round just once a week reduce any expectations you may have for longer stints until they appear organically.

What I have found is that reconnection is painfully slow to the point of agonising whether it's even worth it. 

From my experience the MLCer will do the right things and then require a breather.  My H lives at home so I see this so often - what works for you though is that your MLCer lives away for most days of the week and so the time you do have can begin to have quality.

No expectations and no demands are the order of the day thus far.

Good one !
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BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 and still going with no sign of reconciliation.

M
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Get Through Today
#111: October 19, 2020, 12:38:54 PM
Thanks so much Song.
Slow is right and yes, it seems he does exactly as you describe...can be here a bit then retreats.
Thank you for your wise words.
He came over today out of the blue. He messaged to offer to pick D up from work. I said no problem. Then he called to see if he could come over earlier then go get her (as he had a conference call to be on). He must have  called en route, as he almost immediately turned up. Then he stayed a bit and even stayed for dinner. He never stays late and I find it quite easy to not push or try and cajole him in any way... I just pick up on his cues if you like. I'm not being a pushover, just treating him like I would my brother or his sister if they popped round.

Hate it when he leaves. Hate it. But I just smile, return the hug if one is offered and get on with it.

Right now, he seems happy with this arrangement. Like he's ok with our relationship as it is and doesn't want more. Ah well.

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Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

K
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Get Through Today
#112: October 19, 2020, 03:59:22 PM
This all sounds really good Music. And you are handling it se well.  It is quite agonizing isn't it? having them home seemingly "normal" only to then leave and go do who-knows-what. This is the challenging part. But it seems like he is moving closer, albeit at a snail's (or MLCer's)  pace. Wishing you continued strength and peace.
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Me 49
H 47
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

M
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Get Through Today
#113: October 21, 2020, 11:50:40 PM
Thanks KiT. Agonizing is the right word, definitely.

Got another insight into my MLCer's world today.
Ever have a feeling you're going to get some news before you get it? I did yesterday then he sits down when he's here and says "can I tell you about something going on with me at the moment". Brain is screaming "Brace! Brave! Brace!" But managed to say just "yes, ok".

Long story short: he's moving to a new place this week. He has been living somewhere that OW was paying for and he was paying her rent. He told me last night that he hopes this new place (in a holiday destination near here) will be somewhere we can all use together in the future. He's loved coming to the house more. The relationships with S&D and with me are very important to him. This will be his own place that will give him the "me" time he needs.
He also said that he stays in a motel when "she wants to use it" i.e the rental place he's in currently. I suppose I should have asked him why? Is their relationship over? But I admit I find it very difficult to bring her up in conversation.
He asked me if I'd go and see this new place he's got. I said I'd have to think about that. I've not been offered (or would have accepted) an invitation to the OW related place. So I'm wondering if this means no OW now.
He then said a lot of stuff about processing his Dad's death. That he wasnt feeling grief the way he thought he would (I said I think grieving is a very personal thing and different for everyone). He said maybe once he had moved, he would get some counselling. We talked about this some more and I said that when his Dad died, his head was a bit all over the place (meaning MLC but not saying it) and that might have an impact. That grief has a habit of coming up and getting you when you might not expect it to.
After more discussion, I suggested he speak to the counsellor who he's spoken to before (during one of his false returns way back and before he went back into the fog and announced counselling wouldn't help).
He messaged me after he left to say he'd texted her already.
So not sure what to make of all this. Clearly some movement along that tunnel but still very much wanting to be on his own?
Maybe the counselling will help unravel that big ball of wool in his head and help him with more than his Dad's death.
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Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

S
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Re: Get Through Today
#114: October 22, 2020, 01:31:00 AM
Quote
Long story short: he's moving to a new place this week. He has been living somewhere that OW was paying for and he was paying her rent. He told me last night that he hopes this new place (in a holiday destination near here) will be somewhere we can all use together in the future. He's loved coming to the house more. The relationships with S&D and with me are very important to him. Long story short: he's moving to a new place this week. He has been living somewhere that OW was paying for and he was paying her rent. He told me last night that he hopes this new place (in a holiday destination near here) will be somewhere we can all use together in the future. He's loved coming to the house more. The relationships with S&D and with me are very important to him. This will be his own place that will give him the "me" time he needs.
He also said that he stays in a motel when "she wants to use it" i.e the rental place he's in currently. I suppose I should have asked him why? Is their relationship over? But I admit I find it very difficult to bring her up in conversation.
He asked me if I'd go and see this new place he's got. I said I'd have to think about that. I've not been offered (or would have accepted) an invitation to the OW related place. So I'm wondering if this means no OW now.
He also said that he stays in a motel when "she wants to use it" i.e the rental place he's in currently. I suppose I should have asked him why? Is their relationship over? But I admit I find it very difficult to bring her up in conversation.
He asked me if I'd go and see this new place he's got. I said I'd have to think about that. I've not been offered (or would have accepted) an invitation to the OW related place. So I'm wondering if this means no OW now.

In reverse - no it doesn't mean there is no OW anymore.  Any contact he has with her means she is still in play and may still be on hold.

I would refuse to go and see it if I were you because what you are doing is endorsing his behaviour. YOu are saying it is ok for him to live in OW's place (even if he is on his own - which I doubt) and that means he is getting your approval for his behaviour.  It is a typical "pity me I'm doing what I can but I am the victim here" approach that many MLCers take.  Please don't feed it.
You can simply say " No I don't want to see where you live because it is owned by OW and because you are still in contact with her. Whilst you continue to see her even in a tenant/landlord capacity it is not appropriate for me to endorse what you are doing"

I'm sorry but this is typical MLC behaviour - he wants to maintain the relationship with his children (which on one hand is good but on the other very confusing for them) 
He also wants to keep the anchor checking in place with you.

I hate to say this especially as you may be in the stages of early reconnection but MLCers will continue to manipulate and lie even when it seems they are moving forward out of the tunnel. 

This is what should keep you distanced and keep your contact with him just to the current arrangement - he has to make the choice to step out completely on his own and completely free from any connection with OW before you can morally or emotionally support where he lives.

Sorry to seem harsh but I can see an MLC fishing line reeling you in and setting your present situation back as it will increase your expectations and also your disappointments.
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BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 and still going with no sign of reconciliation.

M
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Get Through Today
#115: October 22, 2020, 01:34:59 AM
Thank you for that Song. You're absolutely right. I've had nothing to do with the place he is currently in.because there's an OW link.
I probably didn't make myself clear - I don't know if the new place includes her in any way. I didnt ask him outright. I should have. I will.

Thanks for grounding me. Until he's OW free, I'm not interested.
  • Logged
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

S
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Re: Get Through Today
#116: October 22, 2020, 02:29:44 AM
Quote
I don't know if the new place includes her in any way. I didnt ask him outright. I should have. I will.

Why would you need to ask? I suggest that next time he asks just mention the boundary that whilst he is connected with her etc... and see what response emerges.

If you ask him outright you may not get a truthful answer and it may cause you more angst than him.

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BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 and still going with no sign of reconciliation.

M
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Re: Get Through Today
#117: October 29, 2020, 05:37:52 AM
Music, it does sound like your H is inching closer. He seems to be thinking about stuff, his father's death, maybe his choice to go live with OW. It's possible he's had a bit of an awakening, or at least one or two of them. He seems to realize he needs to distance himself from the OW, and has put that into action by getting a place on his own. He also seems to realize that his head and feelings are not quite right and that he needs professional help, then he carried through with the action of booking himself an appointment. I do believe he's starting to see some light and is probably in a further stage of his crisis. Can always go right back and try all the Replay fun again as you know, but still, I do sense movement. You are doing so well at being patient around him. I bet it must be so hard to keep your emotions grounded. Hoping things keep improving.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

 

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