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Author Topic: My Story Get Through Today

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My Story Re: Get Through Today
#20: June 27, 2019, 10:09:36 AM
Music....stalking mostly but I second what Rose said!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

K
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Re: Get Through Today
#21: June 27, 2019, 11:01:44 AM

You want him to say to you ‘can I come and stay in the spare room and I won’t see OW anymore’ and he’s just not there yet. So keep your eyes off him.

Rose 🌹

Yes yes and more yes!
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Me 49
H 47
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

M
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Re: Get Through Today
#22: June 27, 2019, 11:15:24 AM
Thanks Whyus - you flatterer, you  :D

Rose...thank you for understanding why I'd even want to try and for your "pondering". It doesn't feel much like he's moving forward or hating me less this week but thanks for laying it out like that. I hate all this MLC shizzle, I really do. 3+ years since BD and still learning and still getting it wrong, lol!

Thanks for stalking, Sam!

More yes from me too, KiT!!

So today, I bought a PINK dress [no hats available but mentally I'm wearing one, lol] and didn't "look" at H...looked at the fluffy clouds in the lovely blue sky here today and saw  a cat on it's back and a dinosaur with a tennis ball!!! I'll take that!

Tomorrow I'm going to see Toy Story 4 with D and SiL.

Thank you again x
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Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

M
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Re: Get Through Today
#23: July 04, 2019, 10:02:01 AM
Just journaling.
Nearly 2 weeks since H's latest announcement and I've barely heard from him. Couple of emails relating to work and something he ordered for the house before. He's seen S for dinner and took D out for breakfast this week. Why he cant see them both at the same time is a mystery but at least he's seen them both. He calls them at least once a day and messages them.
Is it odd to be a bit jealous? I feel mean even writing it. I'd never utter a word to them of course but it stings a bit. D particularly talks about her Dad as if all is normal most of the time. Here's me trying to show her how to be a strong woman and not a doormat, how to have values and self respect and treat others as you'd wish to be treated. Here's her agreeing with everything, getting animated about male friends "stringing her along" yet all the while, talking about her (and I mean the following as literal truths) lying, cheating, disrespectful Dad as if he has done no wrong.
Ok, so there's more to it than that but it doesn't help. Maybe just feeling sorry for myself as H seemed to be calming down a bit and seemed a little less MLC crazy. Shows what I know.
Yes of course I hoped he'd contact me. Yes of course I know that's ridiculous. Yes I know this is a long game and, to have any hope I have to play by the rules. Just cant get the same message to brain and heart at the same time.
I suppose I'm also worried that I've played this wrong. Made my "cant be friends if you xxx" move at the wrong time somehow. I had to have a boundary and I had to enforce it but it stinks.
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Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

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Re: Get Through Today
#24: July 04, 2019, 04:50:40 PM
Oh lovely Music.

I hear ya. I also understand about being jealous and also feel like that. I remember BBHelp saying something similar I am sure and I for sure remember Acorn saying around beginning of 2018 ‘H what about me’ when I think he planned a family day out and not just for the 2 of them. It’s like they act almost normal around the kids and we are left having gone through all of it and still we’re not wanted. But then that’s what those that have gone before say happens and it kind of makes sense for us to be left until last.

You were perfect with your boundary, you didn’t play it wrong you played it right. It does stink though. So has he not messaged you like he was at night? Or did you ignore it so he stopped? Or has he now turned it to the children and using them for contact when he needs it?

Hopefully he’s taking a step back to take two steps forward. You’re probably not ready for him now anyway, as you say he’s lying, cheating and disrespectful so if he wanted back tomorrow maybe you’d actually want more time. It would be nice to think he was turning that way though I know, it would make things so much more palatable.

Is there anything you like about him being gone? Tidier house? Choosing your TV channels? Singing loudly but terribly (maybe that’s just me ha ha!)?

I wish I could properly hug you, you are so strong it’s impressive as this is really really tough. We are all here for you and that’s you got through today.
Rose 🌹
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Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

E
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Re: Get Through Today
#25: July 04, 2019, 11:34:38 PM
Music I feel exactly the same about my Ds (18 and 20) relationship with their dad. I'm very happy he's trying to keep up his relationship with them and that they still love their dad. But I also feel jealous of the (almost) 'normal' relationship they have with him. Same with his family (that I am very close to). It's all so bizarre that they're all having these kinda normal (if less frequent) interactions with him while he and I are in this bizarro world where I feel like someone he just used to kinda know. I feel like screaming 'Can't you see there is something wrong here??!! What is wrong with you people!!!'

And I HATE that my girls choose to spend time occasionally with H and OW. I KNOW it's only because they feel they won't see him otherwise and because they are also loyal to him and want him to be happy (and he says OW makes him happy). But it still stings. I feel horrible feeling all this. It's comforting to me that other people feel the same.
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M: 50 (48 @ BD)
H: 53 (51 @ BD)
Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 21 (19 @ BD)
D: 19 (17 @ BD)
'Extra D': 19 (17 @ BD)
BD (that I didn't recognise as such) Easter 2018
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (45, now 47) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Lives with her. Is building a life with her. Jun 20: H plans to buy a block of land and build a house with her.

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Re: Get Through Today
#26: July 05, 2019, 03:54:46 AM
I for sure remember Acorn saying (in her head)around beginning of 2018 ‘H what about me’ when I think he planned a family day out and not just for the 2 of them.

I wish I could properly hug you, you are so strong it’s impressive as this is really really tough. We are all here for you and that’s you got yourselfthrough today.
Rose 🌹

Just re-read this and wanted to add in the bold words to make it make more sense!
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Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

W
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Re: Get Through Today
#27: July 05, 2019, 04:07:19 AM
And I HATE that my girls choose to spend time occasionally with H and OW. I KNOW it's only because they feel they won't see him otherwise and because they are also loyal to him and want him to be happy (and he says OW makes him happy). But it still stings. I feel horrible feeling all this. It's comforting to me that other people feel the same.

I feel the same and it sucks. 2 weeks ago my nephew (SILs son) invited me to his birthday but I couldnt go. S19 said that XW was going to pick him up on the way, fine. I went upstairs onto the balcony and OM drives up (with XW riding shotgun), opens the car door and S19 gets in. It stung like a motherfiretrucker, this is the guy who was havng a PA with his mam for 6 months whilst None of us knew and they can still spend time with him.
Im sorry but I couldnt have done that, I wish that my Boys had more "balls" sometimes.
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Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

M
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Re: Get Through Today
#28: July 05, 2019, 09:11:53 AM
Hi everyone, thanks as always for your support.

Rose, no, the goodnight messages and all stopped the day he dropped his latest nonsense and I said I couldn't be his friend. I've stuck to my side of the boundary and he to his. I've got used to him not living here (been a year now) but finding this no contact harder than I thought. I see the sense of it. I even think I should have done it sooner (ther have been periods of less contact instigated by me because of his MLCish shenanigans) but this last couple of weeks have hit me harder. Not sure why. Maybe because those pesky expectations had crept into my head based on his coming round and having a few meals here again (after not doing that for a year). He doesn't send messages through them. My clinger has become a vanisher for now.
Thanks as always for your support, Rose. I hope your H is passed hurting you anymore than he has already. He sounds like he's doing...ok. So hope it continues.

Evermore, I'm glad sharing my feelings helped you a bit. Its helped me knowing I'm not going mad and that you feel the same. I'm close to H's family too and most don't know anything about all this so when we get together , as we did on Father's Day, you'd think there was nothing wrong.

Whyus, that's tough. Given the distances involved with where OW lives, I'm hoping I never have to go through that. Even H wont be living near her by the sounds of what he said. All mad, isn't it?

Thanks my LBS friends. Don't know what I'd do without you, I really don't.
  • Logged
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

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Re: Get Through Today
#29: July 10, 2019, 10:39:02 AM
Music - Despite the shock of the move, I am so impressed with your bouncing back.  This "leaves" are not easy.  Opens up old wounds all over again.  Think of this as time for you to heal and take care of you.  Enjoy your freedom a bit while giving him the thing he claims he needs.  Space and time.  I realized that is the only thing I could do for H.  I loved him enough to give him space and time.

Remember....if you love someone...set them free............now wait for the rest to be filled in at a date TBD!

As for the time with the kids....my H will do the same thing....make time with them as a family and totally exclude me...yet when I am having something at the house and he gets word of it....he "drops" in.  It stinks.

As for H...financial issues....great...hope there are some more.  Welcome to the real world.

Living with OW - Awesome....now he is gonna face reality!  Can't run from her "bad" points anymore!

Is OW getting desperate and pulling out all the cards...could be.  Let her pressure him.  Just sit back and be there to support him when he falls flat on his face.  (don't mean to be mean....I believe they need to fail in some to see the error in their ways)

Keep taking care of you Music!  Love of support here!





  • Logged
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

 

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