Author Topic: My Story Building a better boat  (Read 1025 times)

Online stillbaffledTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Building a better boat
« on: June 30, 2019, 12:36:55 PM »
Time for a new thread.  I posted a long overdue update on the tail end of my last thread.  I'll copy that post as a carryover start to this thread. 

Some of you folks that have been hanging around with me since the beginning (which was 1/1/16) might be wondering about that fabulous pole barn!  For those of you that might not know the back story, my MLCer insisted on dismantling a huge pole barn on our property.   He couldn't divorce me fast enough but made sure that he had one full year after the divorce was final to get that pole barn down.  His divorce was final 7/26/16, a mere six months after he ran away from home. 

He still had a lot of stuff here in the outside storage buildings after the 7/26/17 date and the pole barn was still standing.  In June of 2018 I texted him and told him that anything not gone by September 1 was going to be sold or disposed of.  He decided I was serious and wasted away most of the summer before starting on August 1 of last year removing all his "junk" from my property. 

By that time I figured that the pole barn was going to be mine because he wasn't going to have time to dismantle it.  He was just too busy building a new house for the OWifey!  He didn't finish by September 1st but since he was getting close to having all that stuff removed from my property I let him finish up last fall.  The last thing to go was his precious fireproof safe in October.  He had to hire movers (because I insisted in case some of my ceramic tiles broke when it was being moved) so it ended up costing him a pretty penny to get it moved.  I videoed the moving of it.  It took four guys and a bunch of equipment.  It was quite a spectacle! 

In early November I met him in the parking lot of the convenience store/gas station in our town and gave him the rest of his guns.  Hardly any words spoken.  It was a pretty quick exchange and I just got in my vehicle and drove away without even a "see you around".  I still, even into the fourth year of this new life, don't know who he is anymore.

So.....the pole barn stayed with me!  I put some money into finishing it since he hadn't ever bothered to do that when we put it up.  It now has secure doors and can be locked.  Several members of my family stored boats and campers in there this past winter.  I may look into putting extra insurance on it so that I can charge people and open up a little side business of a storage facility for large RVs and boats.  It's a pretty big building!   

I do still see him once in a while on the highway.  He isn't seen much and keeps a pretty low profile.  I sometimes see OWifey and her daughter around town.  I do my best to avoid them.  I've never spoken to her and never plan to.  In May they showed up at my church as his half brother (the 30 year old autistic brother) was being baptized and my former MIL wanted her other four children present as well.  I was forewarned by his brother's wife that they'd all be at my church and I went anyway!  I thanked her for letting me know because I'd have been shocked to see him there.  He hasn't darkened the door of that church since late 2015.  I figured he was probably way more uncomfortable than I was.  My pastor caught me coming in and wanted to let me know they were there.  I told him I'd already been informed and that I'd just sit on the other side of the church for that service.   

Life has gone on.  The nephew that thought of MLCer as a dad (we lost my brother in 2003 in a hunting accident) got married and has a son and a new baby on the way.   The niece that loved MLCer so much has had two children and has a third on the way.   As each wonderful life event happens in my family I continue to shake my head and wonder what the firetruck happened to that man that we knew and loved. 

It was our plan for me to retire this year.  I will now be working for another few years after having to buy him out.  I still love what I do so that's a good thing.  I still get frustrated and angry at times trying to take care of a house and yard that really is too much for one person to do alone.  I don't have extra money to hire things done and I have relied on YouTube more times that I could ever have imagined. 

My Harley still plays a huge part of my recovery therapy.  I just wish I had more folks to ride with.  In the old days I never rode by myself.  In this new life, I have many times! 
I continue to run a few 5Ks every year so running has helped keep me in good shape.  I'm a regular at the gym and I lift 3 or 4 times a week. 

I continue to come to THS even though I'm not a stander.  Pretty hard to be a stander when your MLCer goes so far off the rails that he becomes somebody's 5th husband!   :o

THS continues to be a place where I know the people that are here are people who really, truly understand the craziness that has happened. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9UW_zPLo1g

Link to old thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10175.0;all
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Online stillbaffledTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #1 on: June 30, 2019, 01:05:40 PM »
Just wanted to pop back on and reply to those of you that responded on the end of the old thread.

CanLetGo - so good to hear from you!  I haven't seen an update from you for awhile either.  What's going on in your world? 

Tyks - I just replied to your post on the Vanisher thread.  It's good to hear from you. 

BeyondBlessed - I can hardly keep up with all the hurdles you're jumping over.  You are living life so large and your smile is so beautiful! 

Silver - I sure hope there's some guy out there who likes to ride (and fish, hunt, run, hike, ski, etc. etc.) that wants to have some fun with little old me! 

UM - I cracked up with your Mrs. Betty-Five-Surnames comment!  I would sure love to get some wind therapy riding in with you.  If you pop over across the pond to see your Mom, I think you should rent a bike and drop in for a couple days for some riding.  I'll meet you down Thunder's way and you can meet two of us at the same time!  In fact, you can give Thunder a ride if she'd like one! 

Treasur - Not too many of us here that get what it feels like to have our MLCer marry the OW/OM.  We're just real special that way!  I sure enjoy reading your allotment blog.  Your gardens look so lovely. 

FN - Hope you are settling in at the new home.  I also hope you're getting lots of golf in! 

OR - A maypole dance in the pole barn?  I love it.  Sure, let's get some EDM going.  Acorn will have all the refreshments we'll need.  And yes, it's big enough for us to get campers and tents set up!

MBIB - Are you enjoying your summer?  Yes, I've been on quite a few EMS calls.  I've not done one by myself yet because I haven't been trained on the county radio system yet, although I did get to talk on the radio on one of the calls as the navigator.  I was scared I was going to mess it up!  Are you doing any running?

Acorn - Sorry you didn't get to drive the combine or sell your lemonade!  But hey, I've still got the pole barn so if I come into some big money I can just buy my own farm machinery! 

SHF - I hope you had a good weekend away.  Your big event is now in the past and I hope you weathered it okay.

Thunder - We really need to meet up in person.   Always glad to have you following along on my threads. 

I posted this on the Vanisher's thread this morning:

Yesterday was MLCer's stepgrandmother's 90th birthday party.  She's been in his life since he was 12 years old.  She is a wonderful lady and I see her often.  I knew I couldn't miss her celebration and I was pretty sure that MLCer and OWifey wouldn't be there.  I was at the party from start to finish as I had to play piano for a part in the program as well as helping with some of the party setup/cleanup.  They never darkened the doorway. 

I will forever be baffled as to what happens to these people in this crisis.   I also don't think all them come "out" of their crisis.  I think some just spend the rest of their lives right where they're at.   :-\



BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Online beyondblessed

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #2 on: June 30, 2019, 04:14:00 PM »
SB, I think more of them will live the rest of their days just as they are right now.  These are the choices they've made, so it is essentially the life they've chosen.  Now, whether or not they choose to remain with the initial AP, if there was one, is really a coin toss because I do believe that could have been literally anyone to get them out of the lives they were so desperate to leave.  Not a solumate situation, but more of a lesser of two evils scenario because God forbid they should merge into a brand new life without some sort of back up plan and buffer to ease their guilty conscience.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #3 on: July 02, 2019, 10:38:43 AM »

 I was forewarned by his brother's wife that they'd all be at my church and I went anyway!



Yes b/c you are one strong person!!!  Love that you still have the pole barn.  Bummer about the combine though--would have loved to have seen Acorn driving it around! ;)

You sound really great SB. I need something like a Harley in my life too--just haven't found it yet.  You've managed to make a horrific and traumatizing time into a nice life with joy and peace. That is no small feat. I don;t imagine there is much peace for the new H of Mrs. Smith-Johnson-O'Leary-Mathews-Freeman-Baffled.  But well, his monkeys. And sad they didn't go to the 90th B-Day. I just had dinner with my inlaws last night. It is my new normal. They are still my family. And have no relationship with my H anymore. This MLC is a sad sad thing!

Can't wait to hear what your plans are for that pole barn. Hugs friend. You are amazing!
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #4 on: July 02, 2019, 11:24:51 AM »
So glad to see an update from you SB!! I have wondered many times about the pole barn. Bummed about the combine tho.

I am pretty sure LB is stuck in his crisis too. He shows no understanding of what he has thrown away or lost... no clue that most people have no respect for what he has done and continues to do.  I couldn't even begin to start to defend a reconciliation with the amount of damage he has inflicted on us with no remorse. I have given him up for lost... taken by the devil or whatever.  Nothing left to stand for. I have no respect for him. 

How they just toss out the people in their life without a second thought will never cease to amaze me. Makes no sense to me at all.   

But I feel your pain about sitting in church with them.  It is an uncomfortable thing... even though we are the ones that did nothing wrong.   
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Online stillbaffledTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #5 on: July 02, 2019, 11:59:11 AM »
Good to hear from you, BB, KIT and DF. 

I know there is always an ongoing discussion on this forum regarding standing/not standing.  Sometimes it seems like some posters feel that if we aren't standers that our marriages weren't that great and that we are just not devoted enough to our MLCer.  I don't know why I've been so bothered lately by some of the posts regarding standing but I guess I just thought I'd take a moment and express my thoughts. 

My relationship/marriage was wonderful.  Or, at least I thought it was.  Now I might be tempted to think that maybe I was delusional in thinking this.  Well, until most of his family, my family, friends that were close to us, etc. also tell me that they still don't understand what happened, it reinforces for me that we were very much in love and that our life together was very good. 

When MLCer married the OW it was absolutely crushing to me.   It was rather the proverbial nail in the coffin. 

I don't judge others here (or in real life) for being standers or non-standers.  I guess I just wish that the implication that those of us that aren't standers didn't have good marriages or don't love enough wouldn't be thrown out there. 

I know I shouldn't let it bother me, especially from anybody that hasn't had their MLCer marry the OP.  I do wonder just how long they'd stand if their MLCer made vows with somebody else! 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #6 on: July 02, 2019, 02:02:16 PM »
I agree with you, SB. I chewed hard and for a long time to work out if I was delusional or in denial. Or indeed everyone else who knew us. In the end, I decided that pretty much my m was as I thought. The missing bit of the jigsaw was that there was a broken bit in my h that I didn't fully get. I suspect he didn't either...until his 'demons' as he called them were unleashed. And then it all just became insane....

Standing for me had two bits I struggled with....giving up on hope for us and giving up on hope for him. The first was easier and quicker....I didn't like it but the reality was that my then h destroyed the core of our relationship and burned every bridge. I knew in my gut that I could never have what I treasured back. That I could never forget - even if I could forgive or explain - that some part of him wanted my death. So I stopped standing for my m first. But giving up hope for his recovery was much harder...felt like I was giving up on him....but it kept me attached a bit and that got very damaging to live with tbh. His remarriage was a line in the sand which killed off that last 1% of hope I think...it was profoundly viscerally shocking to see a picture of it in a way I can't find words to describe...it was tbh an act of madness on his part given his own circumstances. So i stopped standing for anything to do with his MLC life or future. Much as I loved him, much as our m was a joyful good thing for years. NC and thinking and behaving as if my h was dead was the only way I could move forward. Any kind of standing, even a glimmer of hopeful waiting, would have killed me metaphorically. I just had to let it all go and let it be as it was and let God do his thing. I needed whatever hope and faith I had left for me.

So I get it, SB. I feel the odd sore spot too if a careless poster makes one of those kind of off hand comments about standing or why are you still here whining if you're divorced or your h/w has remarried...doesn't happen often...but my skin is thinner occasionally. Not a club either you or me wanted to be in is it? But it is how it is. Free hug for both of us I think  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #7 on: July 02, 2019, 02:16:31 PM »

I know there is always an ongoing discussion on this forum regarding standing/not standing.  Sometimes it seems like some posters feel that if we aren't standers that our marriages weren't that great and that we are just not devoted enough to our MLCer. 


Yes I have kind of seen this here too. My take on it? Immaturity. They don't get it. But they will. I am standing. BUT......I am standing for ME.  Only. To heal me, until I am healed. I am not waiting for him to return, b/c I am not sure he will ever. My H is gone. He may as well be married to OW now. They are a couple. I am trying to figure my life out without him in it. I know if he got married right now, it would gut me. And I could only hope to be as strong as you are Still. But I also know if so many former MLCers who did marry their OW.....ALL of whom regret it to this day. And honestly my life would not be so different than it is now. Just me and S12.

Anyway, I hope you know that I would never presume to think that my marriage is better than yours just b/c your H chose to re-marry. That only tells me that he has to marry OW in order to proceed through his crisis. Mine had to completely ignore me and our small child. And treat his other family as if THEY were his only fam, and not us, or his only son for that matter. They are all messed up.

And no matter how strong the M, they will choose their path based on their individual circumstances. Your M was real. It was strong. And it was true love. Until it wasn't. And if anyone ever judges you for the actions of your spouse, and they are here on HS? Well, then they STILL don't get it. This is MLC. All bets are off.   
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Disillusioned

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #8 on: July 02, 2019, 02:51:03 PM »

Standing for me had two bits I struggled with....giving up on hope for us and giving up on hope for him. The first was easier and quicker....I didn't like it but the reality was that my then h destroyed the core of our relationship and burned every bridge. I knew in my gut that I could never have what I treasured back.

Treasur - I struggle with this too.  When I think of what she's done, what she continues to do, the fact that I still entertain thoughts that I might be able to take her back is incomprehensible to me.

The other day, while struggling with these thoughts with my IC, she actually said to me - "So, why don't you buck the divorce trend?  Save your marriage."

I don't know where that came from, or why.  I will revisit with her in a few weeks and try to unpeel that particular onion.  It has spun me, to be sure.  After everything she has heard, I'm not sure why she tossed that in there.   :-[
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #9 on: July 02, 2019, 04:50:33 PM »
SB I have pictures. It was real. I don’t know what happened but I am with Treasur... I had to say he was dead because the person I married does not exist anymore in the world. I am still here because I have friends here that saved my life.. that understand what I have been through...and I can’t imagine my life without them. You are one of them SB. We have survived the unthinkable. We are survivors and warriors..  my job here is to be a lighthouse for those who think they can not make it another hour because I was there once.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

 

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