Author Topic: My Story Building a better boat  (Read 1024 times)

Online stillbaffledTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Building a better boat
« on: June 30, 2019, 12:36:55 PM »
Time for a new thread.  I posted a long overdue update on the tail end of my last thread.  I'll copy that post as a carryover start to this thread. 

Some of you folks that have been hanging around with me since the beginning (which was 1/1/16) might be wondering about that fabulous pole barn!  For those of you that might not know the back story, my MLCer insisted on dismantling a huge pole barn on our property.   He couldn't divorce me fast enough but made sure that he had one full year after the divorce was final to get that pole barn down.  His divorce was final 7/26/16, a mere six months after he ran away from home. 

He still had a lot of stuff here in the outside storage buildings after the 7/26/17 date and the pole barn was still standing.  In June of 2018 I texted him and told him that anything not gone by September 1 was going to be sold or disposed of.  He decided I was serious and wasted away most of the summer before starting on August 1 of last year removing all his "junk" from my property. 

By that time I figured that the pole barn was going to be mine because he wasn't going to have time to dismantle it.  He was just too busy building a new house for the OWifey!  He didn't finish by September 1st but since he was getting close to having all that stuff removed from my property I let him finish up last fall.  The last thing to go was his precious fireproof safe in October.  He had to hire movers (because I insisted in case some of my ceramic tiles broke when it was being moved) so it ended up costing him a pretty penny to get it moved.  I videoed the moving of it.  It took four guys and a bunch of equipment.  It was quite a spectacle! 

In early November I met him in the parking lot of the convenience store/gas station in our town and gave him the rest of his guns.  Hardly any words spoken.  It was a pretty quick exchange and I just got in my vehicle and drove away without even a "see you around".  I still, even into the fourth year of this new life, don't know who he is anymore.

So.....the pole barn stayed with me!  I put some money into finishing it since he hadn't ever bothered to do that when we put it up.  It now has secure doors and can be locked.  Several members of my family stored boats and campers in there this past winter.  I may look into putting extra insurance on it so that I can charge people and open up a little side business of a storage facility for large RVs and boats.  It's a pretty big building!   

I do still see him once in a while on the highway.  He isn't seen much and keeps a pretty low profile.  I sometimes see OWifey and her daughter around town.  I do my best to avoid them.  I've never spoken to her and never plan to.  In May they showed up at my church as his half brother (the 30 year old autistic brother) was being baptized and my former MIL wanted her other four children present as well.  I was forewarned by his brother's wife that they'd all be at my church and I went anyway!  I thanked her for letting me know because I'd have been shocked to see him there.  He hasn't darkened the door of that church since late 2015.  I figured he was probably way more uncomfortable than I was.  My pastor caught me coming in and wanted to let me know they were there.  I told him I'd already been informed and that I'd just sit on the other side of the church for that service.   

Life has gone on.  The nephew that thought of MLCer as a dad (we lost my brother in 2003 in a hunting accident) got married and has a son and a new baby on the way.   The niece that loved MLCer so much has had two children and has a third on the way.   As each wonderful life event happens in my family I continue to shake my head and wonder what the firetruck happened to that man that we knew and loved. 

It was our plan for me to retire this year.  I will now be working for another few years after having to buy him out.  I still love what I do so that's a good thing.  I still get frustrated and angry at times trying to take care of a house and yard that really is too much for one person to do alone.  I don't have extra money to hire things done and I have relied on YouTube more times that I could ever have imagined. 

My Harley still plays a huge part of my recovery therapy.  I just wish I had more folks to ride with.  In the old days I never rode by myself.  In this new life, I have many times! 
I continue to run a few 5Ks every year so running has helped keep me in good shape.  I'm a regular at the gym and I lift 3 or 4 times a week. 

I continue to come to THS even though I'm not a stander.  Pretty hard to be a stander when your MLCer goes so far off the rails that he becomes somebody's 5th husband!   :o

THS continues to be a place where I know the people that are here are people who really, truly understand the craziness that has happened. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9UW_zPLo1g

Link to old thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10175.0;all
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Online stillbaffledTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #1 on: June 30, 2019, 01:05:40 PM »
Just wanted to pop back on and reply to those of you that responded on the end of the old thread.

CanLetGo - so good to hear from you!  I haven't seen an update from you for awhile either.  What's going on in your world? 

Tyks - I just replied to your post on the Vanisher thread.  It's good to hear from you. 

BeyondBlessed - I can hardly keep up with all the hurdles you're jumping over.  You are living life so large and your smile is so beautiful! 

Silver - I sure hope there's some guy out there who likes to ride (and fish, hunt, run, hike, ski, etc. etc.) that wants to have some fun with little old me! 

UM - I cracked up with your Mrs. Betty-Five-Surnames comment!  I would sure love to get some wind therapy riding in with you.  If you pop over across the pond to see your Mom, I think you should rent a bike and drop in for a couple days for some riding.  I'll meet you down Thunder's way and you can meet two of us at the same time!  In fact, you can give Thunder a ride if she'd like one! 

Treasur - Not too many of us here that get what it feels like to have our MLCer marry the OW/OM.  We're just real special that way!  I sure enjoy reading your allotment blog.  Your gardens look so lovely. 

FN - Hope you are settling in at the new home.  I also hope you're getting lots of golf in! 

OR - A maypole dance in the pole barn?  I love it.  Sure, let's get some EDM going.  Acorn will have all the refreshments we'll need.  And yes, it's big enough for us to get campers and tents set up!

MBIB - Are you enjoying your summer?  Yes, I've been on quite a few EMS calls.  I've not done one by myself yet because I haven't been trained on the county radio system yet, although I did get to talk on the radio on one of the calls as the navigator.  I was scared I was going to mess it up!  Are you doing any running?

Acorn - Sorry you didn't get to drive the combine or sell your lemonade!  But hey, I've still got the pole barn so if I come into some big money I can just buy my own farm machinery! 

SHF - I hope you had a good weekend away.  Your big event is now in the past and I hope you weathered it okay.

Thunder - We really need to meet up in person.   Always glad to have you following along on my threads. 

I posted this on the Vanisher's thread this morning:

Yesterday was MLCer's stepgrandmother's 90th birthday party.  She's been in his life since he was 12 years old.  She is a wonderful lady and I see her often.  I knew I couldn't miss her celebration and I was pretty sure that MLCer and OWifey wouldn't be there.  I was at the party from start to finish as I had to play piano for a part in the program as well as helping with some of the party setup/cleanup.  They never darkened the doorway. 

I will forever be baffled as to what happens to these people in this crisis.   I also don't think all them come "out" of their crisis.  I think some just spend the rest of their lives right where they're at.   :-\



BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Online beyondblessed

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #2 on: June 30, 2019, 04:14:00 PM »
SB, I think more of them will live the rest of their days just as they are right now.  These are the choices they've made, so it is essentially the life they've chosen.  Now, whether or not they choose to remain with the initial AP, if there was one, is really a coin toss because I do believe that could have been literally anyone to get them out of the lives they were so desperate to leave.  Not a solumate situation, but more of a lesser of two evils scenario because God forbid they should merge into a brand new life without some sort of back up plan and buffer to ease their guilty conscience.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #3 on: July 02, 2019, 10:38:43 AM »

 I was forewarned by his brother's wife that they'd all be at my church and I went anyway!



Yes b/c you are one strong person!!!  Love that you still have the pole barn.  Bummer about the combine though--would have loved to have seen Acorn driving it around! ;)

You sound really great SB. I need something like a Harley in my life too--just haven't found it yet.  You've managed to make a horrific and traumatizing time into a nice life with joy and peace. That is no small feat. I don;t imagine there is much peace for the new H of Mrs. Smith-Johnson-O'Leary-Mathews-Freeman-Baffled.  But well, his monkeys. And sad they didn't go to the 90th B-Day. I just had dinner with my inlaws last night. It is my new normal. They are still my family. And have no relationship with my H anymore. This MLC is a sad sad thing!

Can't wait to hear what your plans are for that pole barn. Hugs friend. You are amazing!
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #4 on: July 02, 2019, 11:24:51 AM »
So glad to see an update from you SB!! I have wondered many times about the pole barn. Bummed about the combine tho.

I am pretty sure LB is stuck in his crisis too. He shows no understanding of what he has thrown away or lost... no clue that most people have no respect for what he has done and continues to do.  I couldn't even begin to start to defend a reconciliation with the amount of damage he has inflicted on us with no remorse. I have given him up for lost... taken by the devil or whatever.  Nothing left to stand for. I have no respect for him. 

How they just toss out the people in their life without a second thought will never cease to amaze me. Makes no sense to me at all.   

But I feel your pain about sitting in church with them.  It is an uncomfortable thing... even though we are the ones that did nothing wrong.   
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Online stillbaffledTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #5 on: July 02, 2019, 11:59:11 AM »
Good to hear from you, BB, KIT and DF. 

I know there is always an ongoing discussion on this forum regarding standing/not standing.  Sometimes it seems like some posters feel that if we aren't standers that our marriages weren't that great and that we are just not devoted enough to our MLCer.  I don't know why I've been so bothered lately by some of the posts regarding standing but I guess I just thought I'd take a moment and express my thoughts. 

My relationship/marriage was wonderful.  Or, at least I thought it was.  Now I might be tempted to think that maybe I was delusional in thinking this.  Well, until most of his family, my family, friends that were close to us, etc. also tell me that they still don't understand what happened, it reinforces for me that we were very much in love and that our life together was very good. 

When MLCer married the OW it was absolutely crushing to me.   It was rather the proverbial nail in the coffin. 

I don't judge others here (or in real life) for being standers or non-standers.  I guess I just wish that the implication that those of us that aren't standers didn't have good marriages or don't love enough wouldn't be thrown out there. 

I know I shouldn't let it bother me, especially from anybody that hasn't had their MLCer marry the OP.  I do wonder just how long they'd stand if their MLCer made vows with somebody else! 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #6 on: July 02, 2019, 02:02:16 PM »
I agree with you, SB. I chewed hard and for a long time to work out if I was delusional or in denial. Or indeed everyone else who knew us. In the end, I decided that pretty much my m was as I thought. The missing bit of the jigsaw was that there was a broken bit in my h that I didn't fully get. I suspect he didn't either...until his 'demons' as he called them were unleashed. And then it all just became insane....

Standing for me had two bits I struggled with....giving up on hope for us and giving up on hope for him. The first was easier and quicker....I didn't like it but the reality was that my then h destroyed the core of our relationship and burned every bridge. I knew in my gut that I could never have what I treasured back. That I could never forget - even if I could forgive or explain - that some part of him wanted my death. So I stopped standing for my m first. But giving up hope for his recovery was much harder...felt like I was giving up on him....but it kept me attached a bit and that got very damaging to live with tbh. His remarriage was a line in the sand which killed off that last 1% of hope I think...it was profoundly viscerally shocking to see a picture of it in a way I can't find words to describe...it was tbh an act of madness on his part given his own circumstances. So i stopped standing for anything to do with his MLC life or future. Much as I loved him, much as our m was a joyful good thing for years. NC and thinking and behaving as if my h was dead was the only way I could move forward. Any kind of standing, even a glimmer of hopeful waiting, would have killed me metaphorically. I just had to let it all go and let it be as it was and let God do his thing. I needed whatever hope and faith I had left for me.

So I get it, SB. I feel the odd sore spot too if a careless poster makes one of those kind of off hand comments about standing or why are you still here whining if you're divorced or your h/w has remarried...doesn't happen often...but my skin is thinner occasionally. Not a club either you or me wanted to be in is it? But it is how it is. Free hug for both of us I think  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #7 on: July 02, 2019, 02:16:31 PM »

I know there is always an ongoing discussion on this forum regarding standing/not standing.  Sometimes it seems like some posters feel that if we aren't standers that our marriages weren't that great and that we are just not devoted enough to our MLCer. 


Yes I have kind of seen this here too. My take on it? Immaturity. They don't get it. But they will. I am standing. BUT......I am standing for ME.  Only. To heal me, until I am healed. I am not waiting for him to return, b/c I am not sure he will ever. My H is gone. He may as well be married to OW now. They are a couple. I am trying to figure my life out without him in it. I know if he got married right now, it would gut me. And I could only hope to be as strong as you are Still. But I also know if so many former MLCers who did marry their OW.....ALL of whom regret it to this day. And honestly my life would not be so different than it is now. Just me and S12.

Anyway, I hope you know that I would never presume to think that my marriage is better than yours just b/c your H chose to re-marry. That only tells me that he has to marry OW in order to proceed through his crisis. Mine had to completely ignore me and our small child. And treat his other family as if THEY were his only fam, and not us, or his only son for that matter. They are all messed up.

And no matter how strong the M, they will choose their path based on their individual circumstances. Your M was real. It was strong. And it was true love. Until it wasn't. And if anyone ever judges you for the actions of your spouse, and they are here on HS? Well, then they STILL don't get it. This is MLC. All bets are off.   
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Disillusioned

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #8 on: July 02, 2019, 02:51:03 PM »

Standing for me had two bits I struggled with....giving up on hope for us and giving up on hope for him. The first was easier and quicker....I didn't like it but the reality was that my then h destroyed the core of our relationship and burned every bridge. I knew in my gut that I could never have what I treasured back.

Treasur - I struggle with this too.  When I think of what she's done, what she continues to do, the fact that I still entertain thoughts that I might be able to take her back is incomprehensible to me.

The other day, while struggling with these thoughts with my IC, she actually said to me - "So, why don't you buck the divorce trend?  Save your marriage."

I don't know where that came from, or why.  I will revisit with her in a few weeks and try to unpeel that particular onion.  It has spun me, to be sure.  After everything she has heard, I'm not sure why she tossed that in there.   :-[
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #9 on: July 02, 2019, 04:50:33 PM »
SB I have pictures. It was real. I don’t know what happened but I am with Treasur... I had to say he was dead because the person I married does not exist anymore in the world. I am still here because I have friends here that saved my life.. that understand what I have been through...and I can’t imagine my life without them. You are one of them SB. We have survived the unthinkable. We are survivors and warriors..  my job here is to be a lighthouse for those who think they can not make it another hour because I was there once.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Silver

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #10 on: July 04, 2019, 01:20:52 AM »
I don't judge others here (or in real life) for being standers or non-standers.  I guess I just wish that the implication that those of us that aren't standers didn't have good marriages or don't love enough wouldn't be thrown out there. 

I know I shouldn't let it bother me, especially from anybody that hasn't had their MLCer marry the OP.  I do wonder just how long they'd stand if their MLCer made vows with somebody else!

I agree SB, we really, really shouldn't judge any decisions, each case is individual. Nothing is black and white in life.

KIT you said you are standing for you, and I totally get it, respect it very much. I myself, made decision not to stand, for me but for my kids too. Going on with my life is dependable of letting go of XW and in my individual case, it didn't seem to be possible if I would chose standing. I wasn't quite sure about my choice before I understood that can't be "in the middle", I wouldn't be happy nor couldn't find my peace without choosing like I have. If I'm not happy, it's difficult to be good father to my relatively small kids either.

SB I have pictures. It was real. I don’t know what happened but I am with Treasur... I had to say he was dead because the person I married does not exist anymore in the world. I am still here because I have friends here that saved my life.. that understand what I have been through...and I can’t imagine my life without them. You are one of them SB. We have survived the unthinkable. We are survivors and warriors..  my job here is to be a lighthouse for those who think they can not make it another hour because I was there once.

This pretty much describes why I am here too, in addition that this forum and community is safety net to me, even I don't need to jump to it that often anymore. I know it's there and that's huge thing to me.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Tyks

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #11 on: July 04, 2019, 03:09:57 AM »
Sb, I was never a stander and I get what you are saying. Sometimes people say silly things and we have to just take it with a grain of salt. I can only imagine how painful it was for you when your mlcer got married. I often think about that and how I would feel.  At this point I am hoping it will not break me again.

You are such a strong woman and have built a life for yourself that is amazing! After such an ordeal as bd you, we, should all be proud of ourselves and congratulate ourselves everyday :)
Me 49
Him 49
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D16 D19
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

Online stillbaffledTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #12 on: July 04, 2019, 05:57:46 AM »
SB I have pictures. It was real.

Ah yes....the many albums showing either a man who was a consummate actor or one that really loved our life together and loved me.  I still don't know what to do with them.  They just sit on a shelf.  I haven't looked at them for a couple years now.  It's just too hard. 

We have survived the unthinkable. We are survivors and warriors..  my job here is to be a lighthouse for those who think they can not make it another hour because I was there once.

That seems to be the job for a several of us here.  I so agree....offer support and encouragement to somebody who thinks they can't make it another minute, hour, day.  You're right.....we were there and we survived! 


BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #13 on: July 04, 2019, 06:45:04 AM »
Hi Still,

Wouldn't it be great to meet up with UM?  Not too sure about the bike ride though.

I used to want a motorcycle so bad, but now I'm getting a little fearful of them.  I won't say why, because it's a sad story, but we could still maybe do some hiking.   8)

You sound absolutely wonderful!   :)

A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline CanLetGo

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #14 on: July 05, 2019, 12:04:09 AM »
Not sure if I said this on the last thread, but I’m so glad you have people looking out for you. I haven’t got anything exciting to update on my thread, and don’t think I would be able to find it 😂. I’m good, busy with shift work and house, nowhere near the size of yours, but a lot of gardening etc to do! I’ve made lovely new friends to catch up with socially, and lovely man to spend time with when we can. I’m looking forward to 2 weeks in Europe soon, with my D18. Things between my exH are good (I think!), he seems happier and in a good place, spending a lot of time with our kids and building a new relationship with them, which is great. He came over and fixed some things in my house when I was at work the other day, at my D’s request (like their shower which wasn’t working properly, and it’s cold here!), very helpful. We sit together at our sons sport and are very amicable! Anyway, enough of me! How I wish there could be a mega HS catch up, so much respect and warmth for my online ‘family’ 🙂
Me 45
H 49
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

Online stillbaffledTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #15 on: July 12, 2019, 05:44:45 AM »
A mega HS gathering that many could afford to get to, as well as have the time away to get there.  I wholeheartedly agree, CLG!  If wishes were horses......


BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Online stillbaffledTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #16 on: July 12, 2019, 06:14:33 AM »
I was just reading on another thread and something that stayed posted was so impactful to me that I thought I'd put it here on my own thread so that I'd have it for later reference. 

I'm still in touch with a lot of people from both of the forums I was on during and after my hubby's crisis, people who haven't posted in years and years and still aren't, sadly, there are very few that have reconciled.  I wish there were more reconciliations.  I was one of the people who truly believed that MOST would return, eventually.  Many LBS's have moved on with new partners, many are very, very happy in their new relationships and actually see this crisis, as a blessing.  Some remarried and divorced.  Some are simply enjoying being on their own. Some are still struggling. 

I am happy for those few that get reconciliation with their MLCer.  Once mine married the OW I gave up being a stander.  I'm living what's left of my life in the biggest way I can and I work hard every day to put the past in the past and move forward. 

I applaud those here that continue to stand.  I respect them and their choices. 

In the same breath, I will also respectfully tell a newbie that from a veteran's standpoint reconciliations are not a common theme.
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #17 on: July 12, 2019, 06:46:09 AM »
I agree Still.  Not in a scary manner, but just maybe to let them know this crisis can last for years and even then there are no guarantees.

So try to detach as much as you can, look after your finances and put your focus on yourself.  You can't fix them.
Also R talks will do no good.

This is all hard for a newbie to digest right away, but eventually they will understand.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online beyondblessed

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #18 on: July 13, 2019, 11:39:36 AM »
SB, what you said is the bold faced truth...reconciliations are the super rare oddity, and not at all the norm.  Yes, be tactful when passing along this valuable nugget, but don't dare sugar coat it and gloss over it like it is just a blip on the MLC screen.

You and I are on the same timeline here, and we've seen some real $h!te in that time, haven't we?  lol  We've made a way for ourselves that would make it very, very difficult  for the MLC'er to climb so high to even potentially "find" us again.

While I do hope my xh finds a path to healing, growth and peace, I know it won't be one that leads him back to my door, and I did so purposely.  Deep within my heart, I know I could never be with him again, even if he does come out of this madness.  My view of him has forever changed, and that is something that can never be undone.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #19 on: July 24, 2019, 05:35:36 AM »
Catching up with the new Thread SB....

You KNOW we'd have to all have Black Leather jackets with some sort of firey deathhead logo that plays off of either "LBS" or "HS." We could ride into town and terrify the locals  ;D

KiT/Silver, maybe then "Standing" is the wrong term if "Standing" is only in terms of having the end result of reconciliation. To me, the M that was is gone, dead, finito, basta. By default, it has to be because, even if the Mid-Lifer eventually gets their head out of their .... fog.... they will be a different person, just as WE will be different people. Therefore, any reconciliation is really establishment of a new R/M between 2 people who may look like the former Mr and Mrs <LastNameHere> but, in their core, are NOT the same... On that vein, KiT, I have said the same thing many times, that I am "Standing" for my own healing. I am Standing for my R with ME.  I guess, in the true RCR/HS definition, I am NOT "Standing" then so maybe I/we should be saying we are Healing or Growing... Whatever..... If someone wants to try to tell me that my M was not that strong then as I am not waiting for me STBX to have her awakening, I can only look at them with pity and say


That is also why I never referred to myself as a Stander but rather as an "If'er." and there was a whole list of "If" conditions that would need to be fulfilled for a reconciliation to happen...

SB, like you wrote, the Standers here have my utmost respect and I tip my hat to those who have or are braving the treacherous waters of reconnection/reconciliation. At this point in my life, I am simply NOT one of them.... Maybe that will change someday but that is a big IF... But my marriage WAS strong and full of love... until it wasn't... and that was NOT by any choice that I made...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Offline Treasur

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #20 on: July 24, 2019, 06:29:53 AM »
I agree. Not only with the 'statistic' that reconciliations are not so common, but that for the LBS, we figure out over time what 'standing' means to us or not. And it usually takes a while to figure that out and different folks reach different conclusions.

Put simply, no sane healthy person would want a spouse who behaves as MLCers do. The issue I suspect comes down to whether you believe your 'core' spouse is still in there and how much damage you are prepared to carry to see if that turns out to be so. All of us have different red lines and sometimes they are not always what we think they would be. And tbh I'm not sure that reconciliation is always an easy choice for LBS bc we change too and what a post-MLCer brings to the table may simply no longer be enough for someone. Very personal choice.

I stopped believing that my core h was still in there, no idea if I'm right or not of course, and accepted that I could never be comfortably myself with someone who could do some of what he did. Nothing he might do or say in the future would change that bc it was about me not him. Sad, not what I wanted, but that was my truth and it meant I had to let a lot of things go once I realised that. Which meant fortunately that I stopped standing, in the sense of wanting my h back, probably about a year before the divorce was final and he married ow. I stopped standing for him way before I stopped hoping for some kind of goodbye or kind graceful gesture...that took a lot longer to let go of lol. Still a surreal shock when he got married but it didn't cost me anything that I still wanted if that makes sense.

What standing does mean for me is two things I think. I refuse to hate someone I loved and valued so much for so long. And I refuse to accept that our relationship was any different than I remember it so I chose to treat my h/xh with respect to honour that. And to let him go without venom or more damage that I could control....bc of course I couldn't stop him or the other crazy folks adding more damage. Even though that respect was never reciprocated. Even though most likely my xh sees our shared past quite differently from how he did and I do. Pretty similar to UM probably...I stood until I could heal and I stood for the truth of our shared years by showing respect for it and him. That feels good enough to me.
« Last Edit: July 24, 2019, 06:34:19 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #21 on: July 29, 2019, 02:01:40 AM »
I would like to go back to the pole barn stillbaffled - I'm going to miss the stories of that thing ;D  I was quite happy to hop on a plane and watch him dismantle it piece by piece!  What a saga it was.  I particularly like the part when he came to pick up some stuff and the wooden beam went through the back windscreen of his truck I think?

It seems like a few years ago that story started and look how far many of us have come since then!  I was still a bit of a mess three years ago and had that inside quiver you never quite shake.  It's almost gone now, and I am not where I want to be but it's not over yet and we all know it's going to be alright in the end and if it's not alright, it's not the end, so we trudge on 8)

I'm not sure about the standing thing either, it's a strange term.  I like to think of myself as a believer.  I believe MLC  is 100% a real thing, I believe my xH can come out of the fog, I believe it's possible to reconcile if the LBS wants to and I also believe it's possible to be very happy doing something else other than just focusing on the antics of the MLCer.  I also believe it's going to be forever, just a little bit sad that a good man went bad and ruined the best thing that ever happened to him - our marriage, our lives and that of our children are forever changed due to some very bad choices he made and it's sad his parent's didn't love him as he deserved to be loved so that MLC became something he was always going to experience.

Sigh.............
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online stillbaffledTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #22 on: July 29, 2019, 07:13:03 AM »
SF - yes, that pole barn was a big part of getting this whole divorce he slapped on me finished up.  He left papers for me six weeks after he left in 2016.  It took until November of 2018 to get his stuff off my property.  And yes, the pole barn stayed with me.  Currently I am talking with my homeowner's insurance agent regarding how much extra it would cost to insure for boat/RV storage to take place in it.  I also would have to have some kind of security system installed as well.  It's a work in progress. 

The back window of his truck?!  Yeah, that was an interesting day.  It was a steel fence post and he's the one that threw it in there!  I can still picture it in my mind! 

You are right, SF.  We go on and we live life in the biggest way we can.  At least that's what I'm trying to do. 

Your last paragraph sharing your views about the term standing is interesting.  The term just seems so ambiguous to me.  It can mean so many things in my mind.  I guess in yours as well! 

BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #23 on: July 29, 2019, 07:37:30 AM »
Your last paragraph sharing your views about the term standing is interesting.  The term just seems so ambiguous to me.  It can mean so many things in my mind.  I guess in yours as well!

I think there are more than a few of us in that situation... Sort of like "What DOES that mean to me?" and "Does it apply? If so, how?"
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online stillbaffledTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #24 on: October 12, 2019, 08:18:41 PM »
Well, I think it's time for a short update so I don't lose this thread to the archives! 

Life just keeps rolling along.  It's a lot of work (as many of you know) taking care of everything alone that was previously done by two people with two incomes!  But, I'm a pretty determined gal and I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.   

Sometimes I still wonder what the heck happened to my life.  I've had no contact with my MLCer for almost a year now, when I gave him the rest of his guns that were still in my house almost three years after BD.  I've not run into him even though we live in the same small town.  It would sure be nice if he and owifey would move to another town but it seems that isn't in the cards for me.  So, I just go on living my best life and hope to heck I never have to run into them or be in the same spot. 

Work keeps me busy and I try to put lots of miles on my Harley getting wind therapy.  I run 5Ks, lift weights at the gym, ride my bicycle and stack a whole lot of firewood. I do a little hunting and fishing if I'm lucky enough to have some invitations to do so.   I became an EMR last November and go on as many calls as I can when I'm available. 

I still remain here on THS.  I'm not a stander.  My MLCer married the ow.  I don't have any insight to their life together and I don't want one.  I don't wish him well and I don't feel sorry for him.  Maybe someday he'll turn the corner and realize what he's done and the damage he's caused.  Maybe he never will.   I don't spend too much time dwelling on it. 

I'm still here because this place was my haven while trying to find my way through this nightmare.  I try to offer support, encouragement and wisdom to others who are here. 

For those of you who've been with me for awhile you may be interested in knowing that the infamous pole barn now contains 6 large pontoons, a couple spendy boats, and a couple RVs. I had to get liability insurance and I'm now in the storage business!  I won't be able to retire off the profits but it's a little added income for a few extra things.  I think mostly it just makes me feel great to know that I am using that pole barn that he insisted on taking down (but could never get around to doing) to make a little money.   



BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #25 on: October 12, 2019, 08:36:13 PM »
Nice update SB. I know it isn't the life you expected but it sounds like you're making the best of it. I'm pleased to hear that you're doing well as an EMR!

Congratulations on the pole barn storage business. Nice job turning that into a win!

I'm glad that you're still on the forum. You're a great role model, standing or not, IMO. :)

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #26 on: October 13, 2019, 02:20:45 PM »
Nice update SB. I know it isn't the life you expected but it sounds like you're making the best of it. I'm pleased to hear that you're doing well as an EMR!

Congratulations on the pole barn storage business. Nice job turning that into a win!

I'm glad that you're still on the forum. You're a great role model, standing or not, IMO. :)

Great reply MBIB,
lovely reading your update Still - glad you are still here xx

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Online beyondblessed

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #27 on: October 13, 2019, 03:06:52 PM »
SB, what a fantastic update!!  Turning his left behind pole barn into a profitable return for you.  That is what this is all about.  Taking the crap hand and laying aces.  The MLC'er wouldn't ever be able to do that because it takes vision and inner strength.   They have neither.  They live day to day, wishing and hoping, rather than doing and accomplishing.

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #28 on: October 13, 2019, 06:03:29 PM »
Good to hear from you SB!! Making lemonade out of the lemons is the name of the game!! Glad to see you were able to produce an income from XH’s left behind pole barn. Doing well SB!!
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #29 on: October 14, 2019, 02:53:24 AM »
Well, that is one of the best ways to take a pigs ear and turn it into a silk purse that I have ever seen...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #30 on: October 14, 2019, 03:24:36 AM »
I love that pole barn Still, it's been part of my life for years.  I have a picture of it in my head, along with all the stories of your H coming to 'pick it up'.

Keep posting Still, we all love to hear updates and I would miss you if you weren't here :'(
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Watcher

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #31 on: October 14, 2019, 05:05:09 AM »
I had to look up pole barn Stillbaffled.  ::) It looks like you put it to good use. Congrats.

Offline Maleficent

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #32 on: October 14, 2019, 06:05:19 AM »
Still, great to hear your update. I share the small town woes, but am glad you are able to avoid both of them without compromises. You sound amazing and you have been a great support. Love how you turned the pole barn into a profit-making venture. Six pontoons, boats, and multiple RVs....  It must be huge. Would love to see a picture!
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Building a better boat
« Reply #33 on: October 16, 2019, 04:32:10 PM »
Well, that is one of the best ways to take a pigs ear and turn it into a silk purse that I have ever seen...

Exactly what I was thinking....well maybe not in such a colorful way. ;)  But I love it that you have made use of that old pole barn. You are the poster child for LBS survive and thrive. Go get em!
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

 

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